Welcome to what we thought would happen. Good morning. How are you? We are so fortunate to have the lovely and talented Fielding Edler with us. Yeah, I met Fielding at her show, which was amazing. Eat, Pray, Fuck at the Improv. And that's. I was like, Geez, actually, it's hilarious. I want to be her friend. I mean, just like, I kind of took Daniel to see. Every person she wants to be friends with. She collects in this room up in her attic. And I've never locked the door.
No, I've been here since. Yeah, Yeah, exactly. I'm sleeping here tonight, but welcome. How are. You? I'm good. Thanks for having me. You brought snacks? Of course I did. So sweet. But we're here. Celebrate. You're headed to Edinburgh? Yeah. Go in Edinburgh with the show. Solo show called Gaslighting is My Love Language. And I think that's the best thing about it, is. Yeah, now it is. And leopard pants. But yeah, that's the feeling. I saw some of your show and it was great.
I think it's going to be. You try to collide with my weird new strain CBD oil but no. Yeah I appreciate it. Laura You're kind of like a wannabe euchre, right? I am. I don't want to be in America. Yeah. What is there to like. You to put up? Either, like, in Ireland or Scotland or I? She texted me saying, I just want to be on a bicycle in Amsterdam like a ferret and like a Danish. Like, yeah, you need to be in and.
I know I have been in my a good friend of mine, Nicole, goes to Lille, lives there, and I've been there on and off about five times. And I just I feel like maybe I'll end up there. But I want to get you a PBS show where it's like Laura's Ireland. I would love. I say you just go to, like, every dive bar, like a walking cigar bucket. Yeah, just I just want to announce a few things. That seems to be a soft pitch right now. I just. Yeah, Yeah. Something like we have. Just go next. Time on Laura.
I'll be a grip. I don't care. I, like, learn how to speak English and then go over there. Oh, God. Like Alan coming to. Yeah. So I said smoking cigars. You smoke cigars? I did smoke. I Well, okay, so I with my friend Troy and there's a cigar bar near the Improv. Have you guys seen this? Like, very like what's a Norman Mailer three? Oh, yeah. And there's a secret room in the back. Oh, cigars. So I being like a, you know, sober a long time. I was, like, being such a loser.
I'm like, my going to get a little buzz from this guy. And I did. Yeah. Cigar business. Card. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Cigars. Now, my dad, you know, I saw him probably, like, eight times in my life, and he had a cigar. Usually he was either eating chocolate or smoking a cigar. And so I just, you know. It's sort of like a Pavlovian thing or somebody smoking. Yeah, I just associate that with a cold, you see, like, Yeah, yeah, I was married. I okay. Cheating on his wife.
So I really I have that's you know, that's the cigars are to me. Well because you know my mom was absolutely yeah yeah all that shit. I mean I don't mean say absolutely but yeah yeah story or. I mean it's sort of an obnoxious set on some level. I mean, I like doing something new. Like I'm all about the new, right? Yeah, sure. I just love indoor smoking. But you're, you're not supposed to, you're not supposed to inhale cigaret cigars. And I always do.
Accidentally. I was, I mean, I was like, besieged aggressively to be like, do not inhale. Yeah. And so I was so I don't even know if I took a little puff but like, do you get. To pick who you smoke with or they just put you in with everybody? They put you in whatever. It's like a like a dating be smoking. Yeah. I mean that's another soft pitch, guys. Yeah. I kind of episode. Well if you're going to Ember or like people that's a smoky place right Like.
Yeah I love cigaret smoke like I love like I'm excited to date a smoker and a drinker. Yeah. Oh, you're. Wild, right? Yeah, I would be okay to do an I.V. with other people. I don't know, but not smoke, share. And maybe even. Colorado. Nice. My friend was like, I had too much to drink. I just have to do a quick I.V., and then I'll meet you. Wow, that's insane. Yeah. Do you? But it was just in the Times, like it's a whole movement of, like, getting the infusion.
It's like, to stay hydrated so you can, like, I don't know, still drinking and not destroy your life. Right? I always loved the destruction. And that's why I was like, Yeah, right. I mean, why are you trying to act? Yeah, that kind of kind of ruins that. Like the whole point of it. Like I'm almost at the point of overdosing. But wait, let me say so. Call the more. My stomach pumping. Yeah, because I'm going to Aspen at the little. It's the weird form of strange form of edging that.
Right. Right. Yeah. Drink something new. Edgy. So, what have you been like? Dating's crazy. We live in Los Angeles. That's a nightmare. Yeah, I actually just took myself off hinge, and I'm like, Oh, really? Cesspool. But I think it's my profile was just so, like, weird and, like, contrarian. But they said hinge specifically is set up for that. Like the palms that they ask you and you can do like a little voice recording. Oh, yeah.
Like basically a soft pitch for yourself or like, I'm an asshole and I eat late at night. I pronounce my name melt. Yeah. Like, and you're like, Go fuck yourself. There should be a high maintenance thing just call it high maintenance. Is a date. Someone who is like a drinker because they inevitably do and like pick out at the end of the. Well, I just want something Like what I want what I haven't had, you know, like I for me, I feel like my next book, like someone's got to check out my marriage.
We were just like, way amped and like, they're, you know, not I mean, he was always on Instagram, but. He was still in the room. Yeah. I feel like too, if you, you know, for me, anyway, each drink lowers the bar. So by the end of a day, you know, it's at my ankles pretty much like I don't you know, what have in common is that we drink but that's okay right. Or just Yeah yeah. So I'm chewing. No, I'm. Kind. That yeah. I was just. Like, Oh. No. Laura story. No, I know. You're enjoying some.
Like, I think we're already on the other side of our friendship. We're already like, kind of breaking up. We like leaving the door open. I'm like. That is so, like, when does that happen? Right? Like, when at the point are you so comfortable with someone that you're going to walk in while they're in the bathroom? I think that's insanity, Right. And I mean, we've we did every mean we said the worst things to each other, like but we never did that. Oh like I think we like, held we Yeah.
If to hold out for some. Hurt my feelings but leave me like don't walk in while I'm taking. Yeah. I feel like because you know. What I mean. I don't even want to tell you. I do want to take a shower with him. I'm like, he looks like a Frazier drove an Uber. I don't think I'm lifting the shower. Wait, did you ever work with Kelsey Grammer? No, you didn't. You were never like a for a Frasier part. No, I was one of the temps on Murphy Brown. Shut up. We have. We talked about that.
You were one of the episodes. You were one of the secretaries because they usually they were there at the beginning of the show. Yeah, I think yeah. Like, I feel like I might hold a record for being in the most things for the show. This amount of time. That's it. That's me. So I call it a cameo, but really it's because I suck. Yeah, You're like, What's her name? Pat Carroll. Is that her name? She's Diahann Carroll. Diahann Carroll. Yeah. Oh, my God. I want to look that up. What was that like?
It was fun. And I think his name is Charles. The guy who passed away recently was the nicest Marine. The guy who played Murray. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. I love the name Murray. Yeah, the cat's name. Or is that or am I? I that with Mary Tyler Moore. Oh, interesting. What was that guy's name? I wouldn't. That's why we in the room. We need a little photo. I love Murphy Brown and Designing Women were like the two shows I watched with my mom exclusively. Yeah. And, like, still had to come out to her.
Like, are you kidding? Are you kidding? I think that was like. It was like Murphy Brown and then Northern Exposure was really like such an adult watching that. That's adult. I just remember loving the, like, pre AIDS Love boat, like slut. I totally I had to go to bed halfway through and I'm like, that's the best shit happens Like. Does the ship dock? I know she's like, is Gopher going to like, Yeah. They're just listing on fire. Yeah, but you had good taste. I was just.
Like, well, I was like the one. It was kind of that was the thing. If I watch from the next page, I could stay up later. And Janine Turner was at that, but. She. Was from, she was from the shitty suburb that I'm from. Oh, what was that? Fucking Bedford, Texas? Am I? Okay, so my friend's parents got divorced, and then the mom had to move to an apartment complex, which was just underneath Janine Turner. So basically they had gone from, like a happy family to like Hollywood. Right? Right.
And then my fucking gay fifth grade teacher who swore up and down, you know what I mean? He played it. He played it straight the whole time. He he was like one of those fags that would be like I went to school with Janine Turner. It's like, I don't know. I didn't really have those street cred. He thought I would with ten year olds. Right. And when I think of all the men that I thought might like women were going to have crushes on crazy, right?
Like Elton John might come around to me at some point. And Freddie Mercury, you know, Liberace. I wasn't that bad. I need to that is one thing I have to say. Feeling I knew that I knew something was up with him. I even remember an interview where an interviewer asked him, So what type of woman are you looking for? And he said, Well, someone nice? Yeah, with a penis. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. And like a little package. Yeah. So you're going off for three weeks to Edinburgh, right?
I'm not doing the full run. Okay? I was scared to death. So when I was, like, pulling up a little questionnaire, I'm like, So just so we're clear, like, I do observe the Sabbath. So I have. A loophole. We love as if I'm Orthodox, you know, that's great. But I'm doing ten nights, which I don't know. Have you guys done that? I've never done anything ten nights in a row. And I'm kind of terrified. No, not terrified, but just like, got to get it to gather. Like, that's something credible.
It's a headspace. Yeah, it's a headspace. I think I tried to get into Edinburgh. Is it Edinburgh or Edinburgh? I don't. Know. I heard. So my acupuncturist just corrected me because we're an out. She's like Edinburgh. Oh is it really. Cool, you twat liquor. I'm like you just putting it on. Yeah but Edinburgh real okay. I think I'm surprised. I feel like you've headline there now.
I think if I tried to get in and I think I think maybe my agent sent a tape and I got rejected and then I kind of didn't try again after that. I just thought, okay. In situations like that where you don't know how to say the name, you just have to say it like Oprah. It's like introducing a guest. You say, Oh, like I. Yeah, I do want I don't know if I know someone's name on a show or anywhere. I'm just like, I'll be like, Buddy or no. Yeah, yeah. People can see through me
when I do. Like, it's bad. It's kind of old. I feel like a schmo because I repeat people's names a lot, but I do it so I can remember, like even in the. Moment I always think is an act of aggression when someone says their name to you in a conversation like, you know, well, you know Laura. Unless like Laura saying it, well, I get like a freeze. So I get like a shiver of displeasure when you say, Well, Laura. Has nicknames. That I call. Over. Everybody has a baby name.
But it's like, well, you know. Fieldy It sounds like you're being sidelined, right? Like a teacher called you out of everybody to be like, feeling. It because it's a gerund and people have to really like say, I mean, I kind of feel bad for my next boyfriend so he wants to say fielding in bed, you know. Well, do you have nicknames. Fifi fears or. Oh I like I feel my friend love. You. So we. Were okay. Your name is already a romcom title. I hate titles that are like Darren's like finding this.
So we were reading a story about these people who are robbing men in Vegas or these women, and it's a non story, but they let them buy them drinks or whatever they, they drug them in and they get them so wasted that they go back to the hotel room and then they like they either pass out or they poison or whatever and then they rob them right there. Security cameras all over Vegas. So what they were doing was taking like the Rolex and inserting it into their vaginas,
right? Yes. Oh, my God. And that's how they busted. The one was that they literally found a Rolex inside of her. And so this is the article we're reading in the newspaper. And the lady's name was Rachel CONARD. Wow. I was like, You've got to be fucking kidding me. Canada is her is the criminals last name. Like, I. Don't know what I mean. Duncan French No, no. Canard means it's like a Romanian. It's like, yeah, Canada is like, dude, it's a. Scam, Correct?
It it literally means, like, a subterfuge. Yeah, like, like, like you're scamming someone with a. Now, I don't know what Rolodex means. No. Right. It's like, Oh, a Rolex. Jesus Christ. I thought you said you put a Rolodex in your vagina. That would be a big connection point. This isn't from the 1980s. Yeah, well, I don't know. She. She robbed a secretary. I mean, if she could do that, why does she has a scam and. Like, go to Ringland. There's apparently I like to entertain people with.
Yeah, exactly. But then my friend Chrissie and I were thinking of like. I found your name. Obvious criminal names like Rachel Kinard. I was like, What? Cop didn't see that coming, right? I was Gary Grifter. No, no. And then she decided that her name was she goes, I'm 53 feet. Yes. All right. I'm going to. I might take you. Did think of your criminal name, but it has to be obvious. But Gary Grifter is my favorite. I'm Gary Grifter. I'm law lifter. I left anything in this room.
Oh, my God. Can we rob together again? Another soft pitch. This is a digital series to take over. Like a bar fight. But yes. Yeah, yeah, you can. Absolutely. The left in the grift. Rare is it that people choose stand up. They kind of accidentally fall into it or it becomes funny later? Yeah. I was interning at the Roundabout Theater and I was just making a joke. How? Like I blew the guy at New World getting coffee, and she's like, You should do stand up. Like the tone.
And I was like, Oh, well, when a Broadway casting is like, Look into it. But I did it and I was not ready and I was in my twenties. So then I came back to it at Williamstown and like Lewis Black, I took a course with him. I had what was the scariest that was doing my set to him with him just looking at me like, Oh. Like I did standup with Lewis in Alaska and it was so hilarious. And he won't I don't think he would mind.
I think he's probably sober now, so I think it's okay to tell one of these stories. We were in Alaska and he was headlining and I was featuring I was middling, I guess they call it. And first of all, when we flew in, we saw two people walk right into a building in the afternoon and then fall over Anchorage. Where are you? In Anchorage? Yeah, places. Nuts? Yes. Keep on. Walking. So it was like, Yeah, gymnastics class we took. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So she's building, by the way.
God damn, this isn't fair. She is a true athlete. She's an acrobat. We took a gymnastics class together, and all they did was lean me against the wall. But I could not fucking do anything, Laura. And she's like, Just do your kip again. Go do your kip. And I'm like, Laura, we're in this together. Win was going to do. Backflips in front of Laura. I did backwards roll and sounds complicated. I look over, I look over, and Fielding is walking on her hand. I mean, fine. Yeah, I. Can still do that.
But I'm not like Mary Lou. Mary Frances calling from the fucking ceiling. I can still fall over. I just keep falling too. And then this woman, like, stacks some mat and leans me against the mats because I can't fucking do anything. So here's the difference in what you just said. The feelings that I can still do some shit. That's true. That at some point she did do some shit. Like that's all I had in my. But I'm starting a sea level, right? I'm ground level. I'm ground zero.
I don't have any like I'm starting in my ward. But then this was the very place that I was talking about. It's like a gym where we could climb a rope and that and feel me and I went there. It's called the Gymnastics Club, right? It's where my kid did club with the gay club with the gay. And by the way, there was someone got there early, set up a video camera doing a round up. I can see my daughter. And I was like, You fucking show pony comment down.
Yeah, I is this the rock climbing, indoor rock climbing thing like Hollywood? This is in Atwater. Okay. No. Where it's like for kids? No, like on Sundays, they're like, come on down and try not to get you know. My boys are. Really well-trained. I would say I. Thought you were very elegant. Oh, and some dance moves. You you do things like you're a swan to dance. You're very. You know, I. You know, I did, you know. Okay.
I took tab classes with a group of elderly women who were like, I guess 70 and up, and they toured and they were amazing. And she goes, Well, you can start out in this class. And anyway, and I thought, Oh, this is so, you know, inspirational. Anyway, all of the women, I was so slow after three classes, they all like, conspired against me and got me kicked out of my class. These all being. I know. They're they.
Oh well, they were like, look how long do we have on earth to wait for this like, slow jack ass to get any. Bad? You see, the improv practice group was like. Okay, fuck them. Left you in the. Yes. Yeah, that's not that. That was so funny because I started to bring cookies and stuff and like, Oh, and, and they were just I didn't even realize I was being, you know, frozen out. And they were like, Oh, okay. What were you all tap dancing to? Good question. They were what?
The first of all, they were okay. They were fast. And, you know, there was I don't know if they had a piano player there. I don't even know what what the music was. I can't. Remember. Oh yeah. That's why I. Know that's so shallow. Yeah, it. Really worked with their little jokes. Yeah. And pick it up, you. Know. And I'm still like, you know, shuffle ball changing or whatever. Shuffle ball change. Yeah. And the boyfriend took us.
We were supposed to have, like, sunset and like, Coffee of Hollywood Forever Cemetery, which sounded lovely. Yeah. Yeah. And but they were closed. I think they were filming. Some of the gates were closed, so, like, right across the street. Is this fucking indoor rock. And he's like, What about that? And this is a few months ago, so still trying to be like, adventurous, right? There's like, sure. And first of all, it's packed, right? There's all these sweaty, gross
people. Oh, no. First of all, it's something they love. Oh, yeah, I can't even imagine it. It's very vibe they make you go through a demo with, like, a person who works there, right? You go through a quick training course and literally I'm like, on the wall and she's like, the left foot. I'm of the right foot. She's like, No, the laugh. I'm like, I'm 41. Oh, yeah. That's like the documentary. The Dude Who Didn't use a Rope. Did you guys see that? No, He.
Just climb Shit. Dude, he climbed that high a sheet where he's like, I'm going to do this without a rope. No. Or crampons in the thing. Yeah. And this one, I mean, I think he. They studied his brain like he's off. Yeah. And then he got, he got to I mean, I think he says he's on the spectrum because he gets to the top and then he goes, I feel elated. This is very this is exhilaration. And you're like, Dude, I know where you We cut you off with the Lewis Black story. Did we cut you?
Oh, oh, oh. Alaska to Alaska. Because I had a dad there on the Lewis thing, too. I want to hear you're okay. So, I mean, I'd say we were we both did great, but it was always kind of cold. Kind of. The room was a little bit weird each time. And then on our last night, we had a really good show, both of us. And he bought the audience a round of drinks. And then these drinks were called duck farts and they were like four different kinds of shot.
And he, I think he didn't realize that everybody is a bit of a drunk or, you know, dry drunk or whatever. And I think there were maybe 200 people in the audience, maybe. Wow. And everybody, I think, probably had two shots. They were completely hammered. And at the end, that was his entire check. Oh, my. God. All the winning. Yeah. Yeah. It's because when we got back to New York, he had to borrow money. You know? And I went to anchor.
I was on my way to Denali, but I spent one night in Anchorage waiting for the train. And it was I remember the rose of Roseanne Barr. I was like, I want to watch that. And I was in my hotel room and that was over at like 11:30 p.m.. I was like, Well, I should go to sleep the train. And then but the sun was up. It was the summer nights I look over like, Well, that's fucking crazy. I should, I'm in Anchorage, let's go out.
And so I went out on the streets and it's broad daylight at midnight and everyone who was normal before was now crooked. It was like the weirdest thing. Yeah. And that's what I saw. I first caught my eye was all these people just laying in the grass and laughing. I was like, Whoa, yeah. And then someone was in the street. Lorne Like, just laughing. And then there was a car that came, and then that's when I was like, What the fuck is happening?
And the person in the car goes, they open their door and go get the fuck out of the road. And then they fell down. Oh yeah, it was if it. Landed in. Wrong. Nudge, it was so crazy. That's crazy. I was just trying to go to a corner store and get a beer or something, which they don't have. Like, you can't just buy beer like that. So then I just went to a bar where a Vietnam vet came up to me. He was in Alaska for like a bucket list trip. His friend had terminal cancer. Oh no. I go and I go. I go.
How's the trip? Because I hate it. I want to go. He's from Florida. I want to go back to Florida. And I go, What have you done? He goes, We've been whale watching. And what kind of what kind of whales did you see? He goes, Oh, no. Brown ones. Oh, I don't think there's like. What's the brown one? He showed me Vietnam like bullet wounds. And it was wild. That sounds like. True. People are. Fucking. I feel like this could be a moth. Yeah, this sounds like. It as much as we are. Yeah, I know.
I feel that way now. I'm like, to sum up America with two words memory foam, and I hate that so much. That is any kind of advertising boost to anything. Like, where did I Sweat last? Right? And make a hole in the bed on a pillow? It's fucking disgusting. That's what. My God. Now, with memory foam there, those are shoes and everything. And so blows. Every sponsorship we get. I never thought about the like it takes us through Amsterdam. Oh no. Ireland. It's like Laura. Ireland.
Laura is taking us through the cliffs of Moher sponsored by memory foam. I'm telling you, that could be a thing. So. Okay, you said you did stand up, then you weren't. Ready for it. I wasn't ready. And then you came back to it. And so I did. Where did you go? Uh, I did the improv thing, and I did a solo show, so it was really like I started like I went to the Neighborhood Playhouse, so I did Coke Fridge app, which was my solo show and friends. So hold on.
Wait, this is so you're going to end with a solo show. How many like shows have you produced? This would be my third solo show. I feel like I didn't do stand up until I was like 38. Yeah, it's out here, but I've had improv and acting and writing and then I watched it. My friend just bomb at the Improv like it was, and. It wasn't me. It was I thought. It was Terry Moran and I was just like I said, I was the point in my life where I'm like, Come at me. Oh, name names. Yeah, that's great.
That's okay. Yeah, that's fine. But my friend was like, teaching in classrooms. I'm like a class nerd. And so I took Leslie Will's class, and then I just did standup. Yeah, but it was helpful because I feel like I'd had this kid, so I was like, I just. I started months pregnant, so I'm like, No one's going to throw a pumpkin at a pregnant woman. And I mean, well, I go to Texas. Maybe they will. And so then it so I found it later. But what was nice is that I felt the improv was helpful for sure.
So when you're like pregnant, having a kid, like, is that why you're just like, screaming from the inside? You're like, I have to do something like. And then like, yeah, it was. I mean, literally it was like, you're not going to take over. Like, you're, you've. Already been a cock block. Like, All right, I've told the story so many times, but like, I got someone's like, you want to do nonthreatening, attractive club patron and magic.
Mike Yeah. So I was like, and literally the casting directors like, Channing Tatum is going to give you a lap dance. Wow. And I was like, And I just in my morning pages that day and I was like, See, I was open. Yeah. But I get to the set and they see that I'm ten weeks pregnant and the cunt on the headset. The second it is like she's not going to be able to get thrown and work on the fire. And I'm like, Oh, I didn't have a plate of pasta carbonara like, you know, So she literally was a cock.
BLOCK. Oh, that's remarkable. Yeah. You're going. To be able to tell that at, like, the graduation. Wedding. I know she that she's like, you're not funny and you need to derma plain and your pores are big. Oh, Ouch. She's mean. Wait, how? See, this is thing. That's why I don't have kids. Because they're fucking mean, too. You're like, Yeah, you know what I mean? Tell me. But she's not nice. No, she's not. She's sweet to everyone, but no, she's horrible to me.
My friend has like a six year old and a four year old. And we were talking to just about this. That the mean shit that she says, She's like, Oh, they call me fat all the time. And she goes, Here's the thing I know, which is heartbreaking, But she goes, The thing they don't know is I'm keeping track of every meeting. They say, Yeah. You got to love that in a dossier. I mean, I actually just put codes on everything.
Yeah, she went through my texts and she goes through my Instagram and she's she literally goes, Are you stalking him? You're like a stalker. And she was right. Yeah, she knew that I was. Too. Mm hmm. I'm like, this was a wake up call. That's the one thing is it's like, never leave a paper trail. Never. I think that's the only thing Donald Trump ever. Got, right? Well, you know. He never paid no paper. I mean, just I have to put everything in a safe. You grew up in Manhattan. Yeah, right.
I feel like that makes the person more savvy about, you know, everything about performing of I mean. You'd think so. And, like, all I did was just, like, spend my entire nineties at Limelight with someone doing coke off me. Like, Oh, I remember. And the way I like that. Right? What did you go see shows with parents? You know, I feel like one of the best about my mom is she took me to Broadway shows since I was four. So I remember seeing like awesome Yul Brynner in The King in a Maze.
I remember it. Yeah. Which was crazy. So yes, I saw a lot. So that was incredible. Where in the city did you grow up? Upper East. Oh, that's cool. Oh, it is so cool. I mean, well, I like keep that on the DL really people, because I have friends who grew up in like the West Village. I mean, that's. My favorite restaurant is on every side. I do a it's on my. Parents go there. I love I. Will. I'll go. I'm never going to one. I love doing one of the best meals I ever had in my entire life.
And I remember my friend who was vegan and they had a dish for her, but hers was shitty. It wasn't the best. And I was like, I. Can't go vegan to do. It. Not there. Oh yeah, but I did because the place, the endoscopy place where Joan Rivers had her fatal procedure is close to that. I love this. Well, obviously it was. It was a journey. I went and spit on the endoscopy place and then I went and had lunch. It doing. Was crazy. There you have it. But I you know, I was there. I haven't seen you.
And I was wondering when we can get this out, if it's too personal. But I was wondering if you went to Harper Simon's party. I did. And. Oh. I kind of. Grew up with your. Show. Yeah. I feel like I knew a lot of people who lost her virginity to Harper Simon. Oh, my. And I made out because he lived in the App Store, which is 79th and Broadway, where the only that my thing is they were like, Why don't you walk on a ledge? Lizzie Yeah. So I would walk on the ledge.
Edge of the building. Yeah, I did. Where? What were you trying to prove? I exactly bring that up in my next EMDR session. Okay. But yeah, no, I. He was like this very almost Gatsby, like, fit this figure assignment. Like, there's a few figures in New York like that. Yeah, I'm just having flashes of you walking on the edge of a building. Like, that's very Jim Morrison of you. Like, right? Funny you should say that is I saw the Doors movie twice in the theater.
Well, and then my Matt Jones, the guy was like, cheating on my boyfriend with him, like, on the roof of the car. And he's like, I am wild and free guy. And I was. Like, Get out. My. Yeah, we go to church every Sunday. But it wasn't like that oppressive because it was Methodist, but it was so like fucking they had to get out of bed every Sunday, which was rough. And one time our minister had this, it was don't do drugs sermon.
But his whole core of the story was that he saw the Doors final concert, and even to him as a fan back in the day, it was like Jim Morrison was bloated and out of his mind and sat on the edge of the stage and just stared into oblivion. And that was like the trauma of all the drugs. And I was just sitting in the pew like, That sounds awesome. Yeah, I. Can't wait to see the. Coolest thing I've. Ever. Yeah, we should all hope to end on the toilet. Well.
It was an. Elvis. No, no, I know. He. I don't know. He did. Yeah, I finished. She was in a bathtub or toilet. I feel like either way, if you're. If you die. If you die in a seated position, like a good for you. Right. Easy on a. Life with a phone and relaxed. Yeah. I'm stoic and elegant. Yeah. You just kind of keel over. It's the whole. I'm tall, right? Yeah. If I just fall over dead, I'm going to have, like, a head wound. I'm going to knock a vase off. I'm going to. Both of you.
I mean, I. Know it's going to be clumsy. Yeah, it's the only good thing about being Madonna's. I have moments. Well, no, Now she has your face to soften the blow, which is fine. I know. Every time I bring up now, everyone's like, Oh, God, You. Know, I. I support it. I like Madonna. Yeah, but you're the perfect actress height, by the way. You're five two, right? Yeah. Every actress out here is five two. You have to be small. Yeah. And every actor is five six.
But they have five. Nine. Right? Exactly. That's what I see, Laura. That's why we're not movie stars too tall. I know. We have to write. We'll have to write a movie about tall people. Tall people from the neck up. Yeah. It's not ordinary people. No tall people. Ever. Because we. Do you wear heels? Funny you should say that. I said I'm still nursing a really boring knee strain because I was like, I'm going to get these quirk hot. I'm divorced. Let's get out. Yeah, do it. Yeah, I'm.
That's not to bring up gymnastics again, but I also she goes she's. Down on a trapeze. Yeah. I would find out when she's six all around. The physical superiority. Well, you've been on trapeze. Yeah. Have you done the I swing from the trapeze and grab the other trapeze. Yes, I did that. Have you. Oh, no. But I know the dude grabbed the person. I was really impressed with that shock. Shock of taking my hands. But right now, no. I just broke out into a sweat. I'm like, you know, I use.
I'm like, braggart. But hold on. Just. Okay. This is one of my biggest fears is because it involves structural failure, which is my biggest fear. But then it's like I can fuck up my shit all day, right? And I can be okay with it. Yeah, it's been someone else fucks up my shit. I'm going live it, right? Yeah. So trapeze swing, you're swinging, right? And it's totally that person's decision to when to catch you, right?
If they're the receiver. Trapeze. Yeah. And then you're either a professional instructor, which is what he was. Or when the fuck do you end up on a trapeze without the. Yeah. Why does that. Because you're making it sound like just lands. Well, I'm waiting. To go to. Edinburgh. You're on. Absinthe and then you're going to be on a. Trapeze. So you do? In Ireland? I do a circus. They have no net. Europeans are psycho. Yeah. I won't let. Laura's leap of the Edinburgh leads to absinthe.
Every road leads to. Absinthe and then fuck. And Fielding's going to be there. But Lizzie, Brains is going to kick and be like, Look, I can walk on the side of a building, right? Look at me. I'm still cool. But I do want to dissect that for a second. So you're on one trapeze. We did this for my kid and they looked at me and I. Of course, I had to be like I was a gymnast, which I shouldn't have said. Right? It's gradations. It's level. So first you do it and then you do a backflip into the net.
Just that's the first fucking mark. I know. And then, of course, my dad's watching and I feel like Jane Fonda in or in on Golden Pond. Yeah, she's like, Daddy, I'm going to do the Die Hard was like, Look at me, Dad. It was like in my mind's eye, like I have a total aneurysm and then I'm. But what was cause I think I was having an out-of-body experience because I think it was like, I know that I can't completely go to a hospital. There's a net. So what?
The worst thing that happens is I make a fool of myself. Sure. So he, like I see him chalk up. We have the, like, matrix eye of the tiger going go and catches. Your hands or your. Wrist. So you have to do it. You have to time it perfectly. So there's this alchemy. So right when he's there, I'm here. It was like this thing where you just. Give yourself things you. Give yourself is like a complete surrender. I was like, If only I did this more in my relationship. It was a metaphor.
For, yeah, therapy. I would have grabbed him anywhere I could like. Yeah, I know. Daddy has to grab you. Oh, I see. So you're just like, you're your lady in waiting, and you're just like, hopefully. No, you know, like when like a cat falls out of a tree, you're like a squirrel doesn't make the branch thing. That's me, like, scraping. I think you could do it. I think my arms are too long.
In fact, I remember telling Fielding, and this is like one of my favorite memories of us first meeting, I was saying, Yeah, my arms are really long. You know that. And then I. Then I went like this and took my arms out of my sleeve. She goes, Oh. It's was like a parlor trick. I was like, Jesus, you're so gorgeous. What? I. I No, no, no. That's my thing. Laura could be like a dancer. We. You were a dancer. You were. I think you were doing Graham Technique and Martha Graham in your previous life.
Oh. Oh. Yeah, sure. In a previous life. Definitely. On this one. I see you as, like, an indoor smoker in Paris or something. Yeah, like she's wearing ballet slippers around the house. Yeah, ballet slippers are on. Yeah, totally. We. Did you ever look cigaret lighter? You never did. No. You did. It. I think I did a little in my twenties because one of my temp jobs was being a telemarketer and I pretended to smoke to be next to this guy. Oh, my God. He would have vowed to smoke.
And I'd only jab when. You go to bed in smokers, you like American spirits and you weren't even in here. Yeah. What were you selling? Oh, jeez. I did so many things to be next. I was in no time. I'd done that. Really well in high school. I took a rifle club to be on the ground next to guys. What? Okay, wait. Wait for Jesus. Can you imagine? Who was the telemarketer? The heartthrob you had to be near? Yeah. Oh, God. He had a fake name because he was in a band. Everything was at a telemarketing.
Hello? No one, Marvin. Oh, Amos. No, but he was also in a band. I think his name. His fake name was Dictate. Oh, that's clever. Yeah. And so, I don't know. I guess I'll look at his Twitter handle. I think. I ever knew what his real name was, because. I was a telemarketer. Also, when you're teenager and stuff. But we were selling long distance and everybody there was like a coke addict. It was. Why? Oh, yes, because my friend was we were teenagers, but she was the one experimenting with stuff.
So it was like we worked there for a week and she had everybody rat it out. So but it was while the company changed names like three times within a month, I was so shady. Who knows if it was okay. Yeah, you were. So I would hang up on people because I felt so bad about interrupting their lives. So I would just immediately hang up on them, which translated to low sales.
So then they put me in like the inferior market where you're calling non-English speakers and I like poor people anyway, that was the best because yeah, you could, you couldn't take a lunch break, but you could take a smoke break. Oh. That's so funny. Everybody was yellow. Did you ever have any jobs like that? I did a really funny job I had was I was like, No, I'm tired of being a hostess. I can do more. Yeah. So I was trying to, like, furlough, like my acting skills.
So I played a fake patient for medical students at Mount Sinai. So Destiny Alexis was a promiscuous Hispanic asthmatic and had her attitude. And also Sarah Edelman, who was going for answers about the breast cancer gene, And the woman came in at the end and goes, hey, let me just just a quick note. Yeah, just we just need you to be more sad. The news you're getting isn't good. And they're like, I don't I mean, if you can cry, I mean, you don't have, but just. I don't. I don't really believe you.
You were so. High. I was $16 an. Hour, and I'm getting. No, you can tell me. My parents died from, like, Lufthansa. And I was like, I can't cry. I mean, I. Can't cry. Either. I can't cry. And I remember feeling I mean, just being so in honor of this woman, in this acting class in New York, I was in gatekeeper and she could cry at the drop of a hat. And I was like, She is so amazing. And I remember we became friends. And at that point I was like in my twenties.
And she said, Well, what about your sex life? And I said, I've never had an orgasm because that's why you can't cry and that's why you can't. And I was like, What? And she said, You had me convinced that I can't act the. Same, nor Desmond, who is giving you, is acting like. This weird therapy from this place? Yeah. No, She had me convinced that I couldn't act because I couldn't have an orgasm, and I was like, Oh, that's why I didn't get the wheelchair commercial, because I can't go.
She was a crier. I'm sorry. I don't. Know. People who can cry so easily, like, I know there are a lot of people who can, but I don't totally trust. It's a weird mechanism, isn't there? Yeah, I think I'd have to be punched in the back, right? I'd have to be decapitated like my liver had to be cut out. What's. What's your medical actress name? Destiny.
Destiny. Alexis. That's good. Yeah. And by the way, you would see, like, I'm like, Oh, you're going to be an atrocious doctor, like in the in the eye. And they do this, like, leading questions, which now it actually, like, I always think about it because they'll be like, So you don't have headaches, right? Oh if they. Do, yeah. They prompt you. It's almost. Like that's leading. The witness.
Leading the guy and other ones would just be like, just like really present and calm and I'd be like, Can I get their number? Like, I actually would like a gynecologist. That's like when a guy says, Do you like my big cock? I guess, yeah. Do you have another one that's leading to win? Yeah, right. You're like, I mean, it's medium. No running a Rite Aid for a magnum like, chill out. Yeah, I just started looking. I just. I'll get back to you dirty talk. It's just all these rhetorical questions.
That's why I need it, right? I'm here. Like, do you talk dirty? I'm like, I don't. It's like. Yeah. You're trying to bait the audience, right? I don't need feedback. I'm doing great. I find it confusing, self-congratulatory, and also, I don't know. I know I feel like it's been I'm authentically like. I like. I like to talk. Yeah, yeah. I just. I feel like. I mean, I feel like you would talk sometimes about, like, tell me what you'd want to do to a woman. Mm hmm. Yeah. And I'd be like, Right.
I want to share that with you. It's personal. And I'd rather you were a woman, right? Right. Yeah. You watch porn, you're just you'd she. Fuck, right? Yes. I think I told you this story, but I had sex with this woman who had a truck, and we were outside outdoors. We were fucking in the truck, and. But she would only talk to me as truck. Oh, my name was Betsy. And she would say Betsy or Betsy like that. Or Betsy once. You know what
I mean? The last woman. Say was, I think it may have been, but the funny thing was she was she was actually super fine, but she was just wild. It was one weird, crazy night. Betsy, having a gas leak going. Betsy knew Betsy needs a belt change. Betsy needs a dental dam because. She broke all the rules. It was like someone I worked with. It was a neighbor. It was all the stuff. She wasn't. I'm sure like, I wasn't her boss or anything. She was just wild. And she had handcuffs, all this great shit.
But at the end of it, right in the morning, she she gave me the key to the handcuffs was going to hear Keep that. It was like, Oh, wow, what a souvenir. You know what I mean? And then I left and on the back of her door hanging was a Ziploc bag of about 20 more copies of the key. There were more identical copies of the keys. And that sounds like a hey, nothing special. So it's kind of. Jewelry that she's a hoarder. Yeah, I. Know. They have names for everything.
I mean, like when you're in a bed, would you have a name for it? It was. All Betsy. It was just Betsy. Oh, that's always Betsy. Yeah, because the sacks started in the yard because we were drinking on the porch. That's right. Yeah. Yeah. So then it was like, I like your truck. Her name is Betsy Gray, and then Flash flood or whatever. Wow, that's crazy. But it was that's when I was like, I'm dealing with a head case because she would be like, it was like I was fucking the truck and saying, Yeah.
It's weird when you're like, This person actually might be bonkers. The sex isn't worth it. Yeah. That's a guy named Matthew I found. I changed his name to seven, okay? And I was like, whatever. And I. I'm not surprised. I know what you are such a loose cannon, weirdo. I That's the best evolution. And seeing what happened to the people you had sex with, right? Living long enough that it's, like, 20 years later, you're like, Oh, my God, I. Just found out someone died of natural causes.
And I'm like, Then I'm getting old. Yes. Oh, wow. He just died. And I'm like, John Hoffman. Mm hmm. So someone it was not to the life of I'm not, you know. Yeah. I mean, to death as. A celebration. Did have a life size Gumby in the corner of his room. Oh, my. God. While you were fucking. I would see the Gumby wash shaved cock, totally shaved and Gumby and all these things. You're not worth me. Getting on the five was. Gumby, like, super. Hairy. I'm like, I was in a romper.
I was like, What do you. He's yielding. I told you about the. The animation. Person. My favorite story you've ever. Told me I was. I'm not going to say where it is. I was. I was just thinking about. I was doing stand up and then I guess it was, you know, booty call. And I thought I was in the wrong place because I saw the backs of two people in the window. And I was like, as I got up to the second floor and then I fell backwards down the steps. God damn, I know all I do.
That's like becoming like foreplay for me falling. And by the time, unless I fall down the stairs. I hurt myself down the staircase. Then you can come on my. Face, right? No wonder you've never had an orgasm. You've never been in like a fire drill or run mine. But it was so crazy. So I got in there. Well, first of all, he looked out the window and saw me fall down the stairs backwards. And then he goes, Are you. Are you all right? And I said, Yes, I'm all right.
And I said, Well, I thought maybe it was the wrong place. And he said, Why? And I said, Because of the people in the Senate. No people. Anyway, get in there. And he and his life size. Count Dracula, count from Sesame Street count. Oh, the count. Yeah. Yeah. And Miss Piggy sitting together. Look. But they're life size. And my friend Dave was teasing me. I'm going to fuck you one time to three times the count counting. And I was like, Oh, my God.
But remember when the count got to his number, he would climax. There's lightning and thunder, right? Oh, yeah. He would get to like eight would be the number of the day. Be like eight. Oh I. St unpack. Yeah. And then he was. I never thought about that. He was. So why you. Are so. Smart. Yeah, that's. Why. Mags, wait. Daniel, as a Wikipedia, of all things TV and film, did you? Well, you're blowing my mind with me. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I mean, literally.
Okay. I'm not going to be the same after I. No, I want to hear. It's like saying Snuffleupagus wasn't here. Right? Oh, wait a minute. Well, yeah, well, he's a fucking metaphor. Hello? Yeah. Yeah, or what? Well. He was on board, but. Well, for his huge trunk. Let's start with that. Oh, but he always hung out with Big Bird. Because he's Big birds. Imaginary friend, i.e., his closeted gay Hello. Oh, you're not the words non-binary big birds. Gay he way. He's
non-binary. Yeah, I'm. Kidding. I hate this century. Thank you. Thank you, Thank you. Yeah. Big Bird is closeted, and that's why Snuffy, he's imaginary. The only person can see Snuffy is. Big Bird because of okay, what we thought would happen. One of the topics that I'm really kind of fascinated with is patents, TNT patents. It didn't were patents that did work. And this I wanted to share it's it's called the electrical bed bug x2 Dominator patent. It was a patent that was made in 1898.
And I'll just read this real quick. This invention relates to bedbug exterminators and it consists of electrical devices is applied to bed studs in such a manner that currents of electricity will be sent through the bodies of the bugs, which will either kill them or startle them. So they will leave the bedstead. The electrical devices used consist of a battery induction coil, a switch and a number of circuits leading to various locations on the bed. Now, what could possibly go wrong?
I mean, that's amazing. Fascinating. Yes. Hopefully. Like, can you clamp it to your nipples? Yeah. Turn this into a breeze. There's an electric ocean. Did you see that? Oh, my God. There's a dead body. That's a different one. This is the. This is the improved burial case. What the fuck? Yeah. Okay. The nature of this invention consists in placing of the lid of the coffin and directly over the face, the body laid in there. And God, this language, a square tube which extends the coffin.
What is the point? Because a lot of people were buried alive back then by. Oh, my. God. Yes. What? What do you mean? Should a person be interned before they die? He can on recovery to consciousness, ascend from the grave and the coffin by the a ladder. And if they can't ascend to the ladder as illustrated in the photo, they can ring the bell, thereby giving alarm and thus save himself from premature burial and death. Fantastic. How much of a problem was that? I know what the ubiquitous it was.
It they used to have bells near where a person was buried so that they could like ring a bell. If they could, like, dig themselves out, they'd ring the bell like the fog, maybe. What if you couldn't hear the bell? I don't know. If you couldn't afford a bell. Ha! What if the bell stopped working? Oh, my God. Okay, but seriously, like, why couldn't they just wait one more day before they should do? I don't know. I guess back then, like that was in the 1800s, the.
Body taking up so much space, they couldn't just, like, Hang on to it. There was that news story just recently of. Right. The Lady. It was in a different country. But she they were at her funeral and she was knocking on the coffin and they opened up and she crawled out. Yes. Yes. Yeah. But then the bitch died like seven days later, right? Yeah. I'm like, well, what's the point? Right? I hope she maximizes those seven days. No, she just watch like the Love Boat again.
She felt like she found the last hours. This is fascinating. If I could method all over again, I would do it with Captain Stubing. Right? He was. And Vicki? Well, Vicki gave that. Oh. She was so cute. Wasn't she adorable. Yeah. Yeah. Method of preserving the dead. And it's just how to keep the dead body like maintained. And you'll know they're just ahead a box. Wow. But you're supposed to fill it with water. I think that's a hair treatment. I used to get the straight men.
And because Larry would be like, you know, that's the the chemicals they use on dead people. Oh, well, it it was it would straighten. And when I would, you know, being like my own, like anti-Semitic beauty tirade, it was like, let's take the curls out. So it's like an embalming fluid. Yes, exactly. We used it. My friend Art and I were trying to think of themes for, like, a really fun funeral parlor and was like, Come get bombed at the mall. Adorable. Yeah. Like, your body is somebody to us.
Oh, yeah. Daniel, that's crushing me again. To make it fun. I forgot. The other. It was good, though. Okay, I don't want to out you, but I just saw your cell phone case, and I think it has mouse ears on. Yes. Are they Mickey Mouse ears? Maybe. Are they Disney? Well, all I think just general glittery mouse ears. Okay. Are you a Disney person? No. Oh, you're not. I taking my ungrateful kid Robo eating and she's like, this sucks. Like, get me off this fucking boat. So I'm like,
That's funny. Bait and switch. So I was like, Let's go to Koreatown and just buy shit. Yeah. So it was one of our best afternoons. Absolutely. She's like, Mommy, I think you should have this case. So everyone, it's a real conversation starter. You like it? I thought that was cute too. I noticed that. So you're not. We should. All go. A Disney fan. You're just culturally appropriate. A Korean. I I'm just a glitter person as the my stripper today.
Well I live in Chi-Town and I'm just above town and did you go to the mall where they have like the disco show and all that stuff. So we have to go. They have an arcade. I love it. Yes. And there's a bar in the arcade. No way. And a bowling alley and a karaoke place. I'm obsessed with arcades. I mean, not too. I have the highest score. The temporary hair salon in Pac-Man. Thank you. What the good Lord. Well, you can cut that part out. No, no. What's your go to? What's your what do you.
I mean, in Pac-Man that's going on, my bio, my I mean, I think I had 7000. I mean. Yeah, that's. What I mean. What's what do you like to play at the mine. Oh I just anything racing. Oh I did the Fast and the Furious and they have a malibu edition and I killed like 100 people. I was never on the road. Yeah. How? But the best thing about next time you go with your daughter, Do you ever have Korean shaved ice? No. Have you ever had it? But she loves. Holy shit. So that's what it is.
It's like, well, you pick your flavor. You can be strawberry mango, like I chocolate kind of stuff. So it's that on ice, which sounds super gross. No, no, it is amazing. It sounds delicious. They're just Korean championship. Okay, Fucking delicious. Thank Or so mi so mi, which is ice cream. And then they shove a fish shaped cookie in it, and you're supposed to eat it with the fish. Oh. Yeah. So me. That's what I said. Thank you. So tell me. Tell me. So I said that you have.
I need a drink to bear any more of these puns? Amaretto saw a round of Amaretto sours. You guys, because we were talking about artists earlier and how people are philanthropists. There is an amazing organization and it's need which stands for nurturing Independence through artists development. And you can buy amazing art. Nyad Art Dawg, I bought a lot of paintings and a few sketches, a little sculpture from them and. You're helping disabled artists and also you have a piece of art.
You have great taste in art. We're really do. We're in Laura's house. Yeah. Every room. Is exquisite. Festooned. I know. Yeah, well, that has a lot to do with Nyad. Nyad archive. God damn Cigarets. Yeah, you are. You will. You know, it's a great organization. Yeah. Paints too. I paint. Are you artistic? I don't pay. I mean, hello. Oh, yeah. Well. I. I mean, I collect stickers. That's how you do. I do. Got a sticker. Planet group. No. That's a thing. Sticker.
So it's in the pocket of my Jacket Cajuns podcast. Yeah. And I'm so obsessed with stickers, I go But Jacki, somebody else has done stickers, and she's like, Are you insane? And she was like, Can you save it for the podcast? Nobody as an stickers. Yeah, No, no. I have a bunch from the eighties. Yeah, me too. Like, you remember, like the Troll and Scholastic's school books. Yes. And you could just order stickers. Yeah, I have a bunch of those. I have zoo Zoo stickers. Oh, my God.
I know my mom. Scratch, sniff, puppy dog. My mom put stickers all over everything for me today. And every little cats and little dog. I can't send a letter without a sticker on it. So it was hard to go back to it. But have you been to die? So the Japanese dollar store? Yeah. Well, first. Of all, that's perfect place to. Go. It's so fun. But it's not a dollar. Everything is a dollar. 75, of course. But have you seen their stickers there? So you do. Oh. Do you have to go?
I all I want is a puffy sticker and just a working drummer. Boyfriend. So they're like, Oh, that's what does every drummer say to his girlfriend in the morning? Thanks for the ride. I'll see you after work. How are this morning? That's all. I love that time. And that's your type. You are Travis Barker. You want know I don't like Travis. Okay, But you're a mix like word I. Those are the only two drummers I know. I mean, I would take a graphic designer with, like, a meth addicted stepkids. Is.
Yeah. I mean, no, because that's a job of drummers, not just because it actually is a whole section of my show. Because that's all I did. Like when I was in New York. Sure. Drummer But they're always the best looking. But I. But they weren't even in backup. They weren't even a backup drummer for like, a bar mitzvah cover band. This wasn't even a real drummer. But drumming is hot. It's not good, I think. I think it's more like balding character actors.
I still seem to be circling. Oh, it's really. Paul Giamatti. Wait a second. This guy, Stanley Tucci. Is that really? No, no, no. But, you know, drummers are hot unless they're practicing in front of you while they're driving an Uber. I also we talk about this. You know, there's somebody we were I guess it was an Uber, and this guy had drumsticks and he was he was driving and with a drumstick hitting the dash of his car, like keeping a beat or whatever it was just to let us know
that he's a drummer, right? Yeah, of. Course. Well, that the meth addicted son of the graphics. Yeah. You're talking about that goddamn Corvette. I tried, I. Yeah. Oh, my God. I like him being like, Let me just do the, like, stage directions of my screenplay. I drive you to Echo Park. Oh, yes. That's my favorite thing about. And I only. I only noticed it in L.A., where you're in an Uber and there's a they're playing a song you've never heard before. And I'm like, This is their music.
Oh, yeah, Yeah. Where they're trying to, like, audition themselves, things like that. Right back to the like, I guess you're type A your if we're going with the Stanley Tucci that that era, even though when I. Am balding sober character I just. I, I in Ziering from 1981. Oh yes. He was my. So I came. Out here in the summer before like I guess after freshman year in college and I was like, I just want to see Steve say. Yeah, I got your number. Yeah, that's great because I do.
I did have that fucked kind of frat boy, but he's right. Yeah. We're in a teenage bedroom right now. In 1993. I mean, he, you know, he's psychic. I know. Well, Daniel knows I'm. Actually freaked out by, you know. Everything. You're unbelievable. It's like. You're like, Yeah, yeah. Texas is the nicest thing. You're the smartest Texan. Texas on the planet. Freeze your brain. And to another level of frequency is called it's it's not nirvana, but it still is anti.
So my college boyfriend was from Houston. Texas. I do know I just rewatched a lot of nine or ten of first season. I'm going to call it the temple of my new detail. That's that's that's that's a great title. Temple of my mine. And what are you doing? A haiku in front of us. Oh. I know. I can't count that high. Is that you do love the count? I One, two, three. Thunder and lightning. Max. That's how I'm going to orgasm. I know, right? That's the next orgasm we all have. We just have to start
shouting the counts. Well. The three of us be in bed together. I know, but if Laura can't orgasm, she just keeps counting. Right? I love. I know. We just have to find a flight of stairs. I can now that Garrett's in the room. Donna, we missed you. Go through your. Room. There are all kinds of things we didn't know, and we needed the heterosexual voice of reason. Yeah, I'm not calling you that. We just need something close. Yeah. Yeah. It's the best. So when do you ship out? I ship out. July 29th.
And then I'm giving myself a couple of days just to have the cricket in rhythms to sleep. See, not be a total narcissist. Be like, let me support other shows and see what's going on. And then third through the 13th. So Fielding, tell us the exact day of your first show and where it is exactly so people know what. That's fine. I really appreciate you have seen it. Preview August 3rd in the meeting room with just the tonic and it's going to run through August 13th and it's 7:00.
So get your like late afternoon snack. You can still like hit the I don't even know where the fuck I know when I caught the fourth bridge. I don't. Know where the fuck people go. Yeah. Have you seen the place? I mean, is it on the website of what it looks like? Yeah, I saw it. So that's why I gave myself some kind of, like, very kind of interesting rooms to mimic that room because it looks like a conference room at Deloitte. And to me it's very bare bones.
I mean, but I'm psyched to get some clamp lights. Yeah. And like, you know, a very fancy shower curtain. I can go a long way. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And my and my iPhone case. Yes. I feel like this isn't Disney. Yeah, isn't Disney. I'm talking about the performance space or. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, it's very barebones. I know, But what about what did you mean about the show? You can either hang it up as a curtain or you can wrap a body in. It depends on how the show goes.
Someone may know if someone buries me alive. Yeah. If I get buried alive. And it just. It's like what this could cause New York, you know? Thank you. Well, we'll send a bell. You can put it down. So I might just get me out of air. Laura, come rescue me. This is like I'm going to blow my brains out. Give me a fucking bell. Buried alive. I went to rescue. That was great, right? Yeah. I'm going to be. What's tapping you? Are you kidding? You're the guy. I called you from Atlanta.
I was like, I'm going to. I did a 30 minute set at a bachelorette bridal party of just in the mid-afternoon, and they are nobody heard a word I said. And it was 40. It was 30 minutes. So 20 minutes. I got the light and I was like, I'm just going to and end it right now. And then flip my well, how many. How many people were in the party like watching you? It was just like it's just they have a lot of people.
Yeah. Anyway, and by the way, hate producers who said there was like she did 20 at the top and it was another 25, then 32, then I'm supposed to do 40. And by the way, I get on stage. Nobody likes me. Yeah. We're done. Yeah. What's the question now? I was. Done. I know. They've had their wine spritzers and now it's like time to move on to. The Calgary. I'm like, I was on drown. Myself and soaking tub. Kind of bachelor party bachelorette parties. They're awful. Awful.
My friends were having anniversary party, right? They rented a house and all the friends are there. I was like a friend anniversary, which is always a sign that the marriage is in trouble. And then other thing was they were like, We want you to do a SAT. And I was like, Fucking No, no, you're no, no, I did. You're our funny friend. Yeah, it was so weird. I was like, Well, yeah, I'll. Give you Venmo, you 50 bucks. So you're not even. It was just it was so crazy. I was like, What are you all like?
I couldn't imagine that their relationship was so bad that they needed my support. Leaning on me for that shit. But yeah, terrible. I did it. Yeah. Fielding at Low has been a joy to be with you. She'll be a joy again. Best day of my summer. Thank me. I'm okay. So. But Edinburgh is of the third to the 13th. Through the 13th. I have one more date of. August. But I will. This will be out by then. It doesn't matter. But yeah. And then hopefully I bring it back here.
But I might just be in a coffin with a pal. Like, what's that? Sounds like I think lunch is ready. It's coming. It's coming from Cork. Oh, my sister Char, there's some bells coming from. Here, and I don't feel. I love you guys. Thank you. Thanks for having me. That was so much fun. Okay, Bye bye.