There's the continental breakfast downstairs. Mm hmm. But they have a waffle iron there that you're supposed to pour it into. Oh, shit. Yeah. And, you know, presumably clean up after something nobody ever does is. It's like the men's room. But I. It's over. And then they just have a pitcher of, like, batter. Oof! Batter. It's such a bad idea in every way, because it seems like somebody get burnt or. Anyway, there's a literal, like, hot surface. Yeah. That's like the children are in line for.
So by God, welcome to what we thought would happen. I'm Mark Kightlinger. And we're here as a hot summer day in Hollywood. Oh, yeah? How are you? Fantastic. I start off with a very boring waffle conversation. I was reading this thing in the Daniel Webb Press. You know, all I do is read The New York Times online. And I'm out of subtitles. Does everybody watch it? Sometimes. Now it's like a thing. I like Italian horror films French. One word interesting. Stuff.
Plain old English speaking television with subtitles on. Oh, know. Yeah. It's like a. Thing. Hmm. Uh. I need subtitles and glasses. And glasses for the. about to go get you some glasses. That's it. I realized that on the plane because I. The person in front of me. Mm hmm. I always try to see what they're watching. Mm hmm. But I couldn't see. Uh. I was like. One of my favorite pastimes is to see who in front of me is watching Fox News in public.
Oh, right. People do. That. I'm sure my mom should be an anchor on that show. I would love to see the pilot report. Well, but she watches 24 hour news channel now. So she's really good at getting the bad news out to me. Fast. Yeah. But sometimes she mixes things up, like I think with other things she's watch like Did you see that thing about the gang in Mexico who killed seven tourists and stuffed their bodies in seven trunks? And it's like, no, but I've seen seven Brides for seven Brothers.
Of a drunk. Yeah. Good. In the adaptation. Well, the news I read today is that Newt Gingrich came out hard against drag queens. How? Why are evil. Ads so ridiculous? I know, but love that kind of discourse. Yeah, You look at it like drag queens are the end of the world. And who cares about him? Oh, people do. That's the thing. He's in business. I seen Seven Brides for seven, brother. Yeah. And have a feeling that some of those brothers didn't care if they had brides or not.
At least three of them. Are they locked away on a mountain or something? Yeah, pretty much. Well, they're on a mountain, But Howard Keel, who's an incredible singer. You know who he is, right? Well, had he has the same birthday as you, April 13. He does? Yes. How do you. Know? It's cause I look this stuff up. How do you know how it goes with you? That's great. Yeah. Um, it's one of the gay brothers. Yeah, well, no, they're all straight, but, you know, they're all probably. MGM is MGM.
Yeah, I. Think. Yeah. Yeah. You watch a lot of old movies? I do. I watch a lot of old TV, which I feel like old movies hold up better than old TV. Mhm. Well, probably. Yeah. Because it's not like a long series. I was watching Japanese anime on the plane. Mhm. With subtitles. Wow. And I couldn't tell if it made me look immature or cultured. Hmm. A cartoon or something. Because people look at you. Look at what you're watching on airplanes
like. Rome. I would think, you're just right where you're supposed to be. Like you. Late thirties, forties, watching cartoons. Yeah. That's like eating a bowl of cereal. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm hmm. Hmm hmm. That's the only thing that makes me feel like. a cis male is eating, like, bowls of cereal for, like, one of the primary meals like Lucky Charms is so hot. In my house. Okay. Oh, yeah.
I, I at least go through the motions of eating something healthy like I'll have granola in the, sort of in the afternoon when I wake up and then it's straight to Diet Coke and chips right up for them. Of different hours than each other. I know. Such a night out. Were you ever a bartender? No, but I probably could have been. I'm always up in the middle of the night. In the middle emails from me. I love the hours that I get. Emails from midnight or 1 a.m..
Yeah. Oh, I'm just, you know, looking up stuff online or I find a news thing and then go down a whole on that. Oh, How was your. Did you go down a word? Well, I did, and then I got pissed off about it. The fuckin submersible. Yeah. Yeah, I. Took that journal I didn't, like, go on a ship, but I was, like, in for the drama of the story. Yeah. And then I was mad when it was over. Mm hmm. It was like a good TV show that didn't have a second season. All right?
And then I got mad that they swept me into the whole thing to begin with. on that very story, I was thinking to myself, I'm so morbid because when they said they found, pieces of what had imploded, I wanted to see. Oh, yeah, I'm a ghoul. Yeah, Because did you see the headline? It was like they found like, roommate. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was my first thing. I was like, well which are whose are. Yeah. You know, or who put it. when we see remains, kind of, you know, are looking our chops.
But then I think of, you know, like I guess a classic movie, although was 1990 was Remains of the Day and how romantic. it's a morbid curiosity. I'm fucking more but I just want to know. Mhm. Curiosity. I'm like well into it. you know, the, the James Cameron quote like, you know. His whole, all his interviews were so good. I know, but what a jackass. Because it's like, how does that help anyone? Well, this could have been avoided. Yeah. Thanks. Right.
Especially because he's loaded. Yeah. It's like, good Me like. Well, everybody on that was loaded. Right, Right. Nobody cares about them. You're right. I mean, you're kind of right. Person to elicit sympathy from poor people. Right. The poorest person on there was a teenager who was probably too thin. Oh, sure. Yeah. Is So that's a sad story. Did you hear? Well, his mom switched seats with. Then she was supposed to be on the thing. Uh huh. My son was so excited that I let him have it. Like, um.
So I think she has the criminal motive. Oh, inheriting all that money. And I get. I want to share with the kid. I guess the aunt said that he did. The. The didn't want to go. The young kid didn't want to go. His son. I mean, didn't wanna go. That's toxic masculinity. Yeah. Whoa. Yeah. Impress your dad. But also, everybody's rich and such a straight guy. Like we can do it. Mm hmm. And then now they're, like, obliterated, obsessed with, like, what physically happened.
fact that it was an implosion. An implosion? That's enough for me. I was pretty happy, but I'm not happy. But you know what I mean. I feel satisfied with that. I like to tell I like to remind people that the Challenger incident was not an explosion. Mm hmm. Of vaporization. Ooh. Mm hmm. Wow. You see the like, it looks like fire and stuff. Right. Just like the chemical reaction, like the color and the, uh. But it's a vapor is what you see. Not like. Oh, that's incredible. I didn't know that.
So they vaporized. Wow. Slammed into the Atlantic is what happened. Right. there's no serenity in the final moments when you're in front of an accident where the exact same thing happens. Mm hmm. We should have known better, or you're out of right there. Yeah, right. Oh, of doing the exact same. Thing, Right. James Cameron's an asshole anyway. You know, schadenfreude is the German word for, you know, what it is, right? It's it for delighting in other people's misery. Right?
And then there's a new social scientist word called Freudian Freud, which means to try and be happy for other people. Right. To actually find. The. Area for it's Freudian. Freud. Okay, explain the concept. Okay. To take delight in another person's good fortune. You know, like where your friends are, be happy. Yeah. And so, anyway, I have invented a new word called false on Friday, which means being false. Happy for someone else.
Like faking your happiness for when someone does a really good job or makes a lot of money. I think that's half of being in this business. Yeah. Your new. washed on Friday and Friday. Are you German? I'm half. What's the other half? My mother. Uh, she's sort of the same thing. My dead father. No, he was. He was a Lithuanian Jew. Kightlinger is my mom's last name. Gotcha. Yeah. So, anyway, Faust and Freud. Are you there? Oh, give me an example. Have you committed for. Of course. Thank you.
Well, not this week, but I was standing around, you know, when I was working on the show a while ago, and there was one of these producers who directed and produced everything, and and he was saying his son just finished, grad school, and now he's directing a pilot for like succession two. And I said, Oh, that's ironic, but I bet you must be so proud. Second generation. That's great. That's so great. You know, that's my my fault. I'm so happy for it. That's great.
But I don't sound quite that phony. Well, no, I was gonna say, do you feel like you can translate the bullshit in front of that successfully? Because I don't think I'm. You can read me when I'm lying. Yeah, I think people know they're not being authentic when I'm congratulating. I can if I could do the, Faustian Freud, if it's fast. Oh, congratulations. I got to go get a coffee. Does that come from The feeling like you need to commit false ten fraud?
Just being fake happy for someone because you're with other people standing around what's the real feeling you have? I would imagine it's, jealousy. Anger? Yeah, You could be fake happy for them, just for the hell of it. But really. I guess any time it looks like someone got a job that might lead to them never having to work again. Mhm. Right. Like it's such a good job, such a good paying job that they could like, retire on their uh. And I've really low stakes for what retirement looks like.
That makes me angry. Oh, I'm actually like, Well, good for you. Uh, after work again. But right. When I commit, first and foremost, the first. False, it's like false. Like the word false. False. And then I'm saying false. forged in Freud, Faust and Freud. Boston. Freud. A fortune. Were you having this conversation with this person? You're like, I need a word for the way I feel right now.
No, I was just thinking, like, how, you know, there are a couple of other people standing around, just thinking, that's so great that he was able to get a directing job because you've done you know, it's I think it might be name recognition and not that he is so good in it. I was just in a room. I was in a green room with two people who are more successful than me, but they're not like mega movie stars yet, but they're doing very well.
But they did one of those like it's a small room, but they still do one of those things with the angle, their bodies. So like, you're not in the. Earth. Station in a small room. Uh huh. Very small room. And then the two of them had a kind of a normal back and forth about how, you know, what are you working on? But then they were both talking about how hard standup is now because everybody's crazy. Uh huh, you're not. But they're like, so lucky that they don't have to do it anymore.
Yeah, but it's just so nice they don't have to do something. Oh, great. Hello? The only other person in the room is the one who, at this show, begging and clawing to get 7 minutes. I. So that was one of the things. Or what's the reverse of like, I don't want to be happy for you guys, and I want to isolate myself in the conversation. I just thought, well, if they're going to make up being happy for someone like that, that's good for your own brain. It's good. I can be truly happy.
If it's a friend of mine that I've known forever or even for a short while, because knowing that they're working means I can borrow money is good. That's the thing. You're only celebrating people who are in your work. Or, you know, or but also like the best thing is when all your friends are working because then you can bitch about it together. Right. genuinely do celebrate everybody because I think it's bad karma. And I'm like, if you start hating on everybody, then you're going to.
But that isn't true because most the people I know that are successful are huge haters. Hmm. Maybe I'm in the wrong business. it is such a great time to be a woman with all these amazing movies representing us. Like, no hard feelings about a woman who is paid to sleep with a young guy so he doesn't have to go to college. virgin and Barbie, which is great because then women can start dressing like dolls.
Barbie and joining 23. Yeah, and there is just this article about J.Lo wearing the Barbie shoes, which are these high Lucite shoes and there is a J.Lo Barbie, I guess. What if I open the door and there are tons of J.Lo? Barbie's in there. Yeah, and I'm trying to be cool with this. I was hiding behind a closet. But anyway, she was unwilling. Grace. and I walked into this kind of side office on the set, it was like a supply room type thing.
Uh, and sometimes I went in there just to, you know, blab to the set designer and have a nip, have maybe a little, you know, a pre-show, drink for good luck. And anyway, I walk in there and she is there with her handler. There's no one else around. fully dressed, or she had, like, leggings on, and her her handler was helping her put on a skirt over her leggings and I walk in and they freeze like I'm, you know, an intruder. And and I just said, Oh, hi.
writing for the show and her handler steps in front of her like, like to cover her like she's guarding the president and then and then says back to J-Lo, It's okay. She works here. And I thought, what did they think I'd be doing? I had my lanyard on. I'm, you know, in my office attire. What did they think? I like that he had to double clarify that you're not a threat. And it was a she. Was like, oh, the handler was this. Yeah. Are his.
Pictures like I. Mean, No, no, no. I'm sorry I leaving know but yeah it was a. She couldn't hear you because you were the Brazilian. I guess if you're not if you're underneath her dollar amount, she can't physically hear you. But just the look of anger and. And shock. Yeah. And I was like. What are you doing in this room? Yeah, they had Mega guest stars. Oh, yeah. They had amazing guest stars. Who is on their Cher.
Madonna right there. No. I was on the show that week, as is Nurse Sheila, the same week that one of the times that Cher was on and I was kicked out of my dressing room for Cher's wig. So did you get access to the wig? No, I. That's why I had to be kicked out, because the wig needed its own room. I don't know what I. Maybe that. I think it's in her, you know. Yeah. That her wig needs its own room. One wig. Hmm. Hmm. And it just sits in a room on a mannequin.
Yeah. And what I took from that is I'm not as valuable as a hairpiece. Uh huh, Yeah. As a writer, actor, whatever. Anyway, but you are. Oh, you were an actor. Yeah, I just. I was in there. She shared Tiny. I think she was. She was in heels most of the time, but yeah, she wasn't, that tall. I think she's deceptively tall. Oh, really? Yeah, but did she have, like, a huge. You know what I'm saying? When you're like, walking in is that Monday morning and like, Oh, my God, there's,
like, a guest star. Mm hmm. Who had the most noticeable presence? I think for me it was, because I was such a fan. It was Gene Wilder. Oh, my God. Yeah. Yeah, that's. Huge. And I was actually, like, too embarrassed to meet him. was in the, writer huddle for new jokes. You know, I ran in a couple of bits for him and he did them. my thing was like Nana's change purse or something crazy like that to name a changed person.
he was so funny and so amazing, like doing his kind of really neurotic kind of thing. Like, well, I don't know, you know, his old shit. It was sort of when Laraine was sitting here. Uh huh. Very hard for me not to ask 100 million questions. Oh, in the episode I still do. Oh, that's like, like a third of what I was trying it like, Oh. I'm going to have to check it out. I don't listen to podcasts.
But Gene Wilder's where you're not like you try to squeeze in like one Gilda Radner Question Is it a death about someone's dead wife? No, I That didn't even dawn on me. No, because all I'm doing is thinking about, like, how funny he is. wanting his approval or something, I guess. Yeah. Okay. I'm going to forget. Who was it? Who was the blond guitarist on SNL forever? gee. Smith. Yeah. Do you know that that was Gilda Radner? Some crazy. After that, she went to Gene Wilder. Wow, that's nuts.
Yeah. One had a really great hair and one had notoriously fucked up. Oh, right, Right. They're two polar opposites. Yeah. So. Okay, so my admiration of the people we get to work with Is no Freud. It's not schadenfreude or anything. It's. Or whatnot. False. And Freud. Uh huh, uh huh. Right. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's a made up word. I think you could say it anywhere you want. Yeah. It's the legitimate happiness of something. What's that? Oh, that's.
called Freud and Freud and that's a made up word of last year from these social scientists, I guess. Now, see, this is the problem. It's like I'm old enough, I'm fucking for you. Do you see, like, a journalist on television who's younger than you know? What the fuck are they talking to the news for? Oh, right. one time I was just watching, you know, a local news station thing, and I noticed that the weather person was dressed like a cocktail waitress. Yes. Oh, okay.
So what? You and I are addicted to one channel in particular? Mm hmm. It's all about the weather person, huh? But, yeah, she's always dressed for the club. Yeah. It's the weather. And it's $0.09. M right. Now are like, get ready shots. Mm hmm. Yeah. Is this news? She's the Weather person. Mm hmm. like, if it's the bumper, like, let's check in with the weather or the full forecast. She has an amazing, like, emotional character arc.
If it's a five second bumper or anything, she starts out like really chipper and excited to tell you the news and she's got vocal fry to you like this. So sometimes that happens. And coming up next is the weather. She's like, I can't wait to tell you how it's going to be know every time. Oh, I love someone. It's the full segment, right? Yeah, it's to deal with.
She really starts out perky and then there's a middle ground, um, where she's just kind of, like, confused as to what emotion she's supposed to portray. And by the time she gets to the Inland Empire. Yeah. The high desert culture. And she'll tell you more about it later. Oh, it's amazing. And I'm like, you know, she is like a second City or Groundlings, like, Oh, right. Of fame on TV a different way, which I feel like that might be me.
I might just like ten more years and like 100 more pounds, and I'll just be like the entertainment reporter on cue think I'll be the person climbing up to the top to jump off. A woman was spotted on the KTLA tower today. I can do everything that crazy men do. I did. Rewatching all of the submersible I did rewatch a night to remember. Have you seen that? No. The 1958 Titanic movie. Oh, no, I didn't. You have. Oh, my God, I should have. Because I was so angry at the James Cameron Titanic movie.
First movie? Yeah, I called that high cheese on the high seas. I was so angry, I was sitting with my then boyfriend. He was crying and I was looking around to see if anybody else was as mad as I was about the fucking bagpipes and everything. It's like, Come. On, that fagot friend Johnny Martinez. May he rest in peace. He cried. We saw it in the theater and we looked over and he was wiping tears from his eyes with this shirt. So was my. Boyfriend. He never lived it down. And he's dead.
It was. It was like you. How can you cry this? And it was when the ship was like a wreck. Yeah, like coming down. And the man. Oh, yeah, the fucking. It was so manipulative. It's like James Cameron put an onion through your, you know, to your eyeballs. People lost their minds with that. Oh, it's a little lost. Especially in the nineties when media was a little more concentrated. Like when Princess Diana died, the world lost stock of money. Yeah, like Titanic came out.
It was the same weird, like saturation. Yeah. You couldn't get away from it. Yeah. My favorite is a joke. People always ask Joan Rivers, like, do celebrities that you talk about? are they often about what you say? And the one person you always bring up was Kathy Bates. Never spoke to her again because the Titanic sank. If she had to go, Yeah, you should watch the night to remember. just like classic old movie where everybody everybody's talking with that. With that weird accent, and.
They call it Is it Continental? Continental? Yeah. With the Continental. Right. But overacting, it's really good. Mm hmm. the special effects are, you know, not good. really like older horror films because There was a time, I think, in like the eighties and nineties when it was, it was almost like a wink to the audience. Like the audience, like the actors were kind of saying, like, I know this is cheesy, but I have a mortgage. Yeah. And yeah, Have you seen who makes zombie?
And then years later they make zombie too. there's a sequence in the New York Harbor or whatever where there's a zombie fights with a shark and the shark is real in the shoot. Oh, wow. That's like a real fight with, like, a bull shark or something. Not a shark, but. well. Here is my point. I watched The Vampire Lovers million years later. Here's my point. The vampire lovers and these women were truly good actors.
They were they didn't have amazing lines or anything, but they made it Kind of believable. They were. Trying to sell. It. Yeah, but but I mean, I think that they were subtle. That was what I meant something to me. And and I watched this other one where this woman was screaming and she had such a weird scream that it kind of seemed funny. Like, it didn't seem horrifying. It was like she burping. And I was just like, what the. So there's some porn, gay porn. I don't know where.
It's like, if you want, like, rough, like a rough sex scene. Yeah, but like they're having sex. And of my friend watching this video of this guy and it was like kind of an older man and like, a younger man was rough, but it was like. It was like a farce. No way this could be real, because the guys, it's like the sexual activity they were doing was not that brutal. Mm hmm. And then they put the guys like. Like on the coffee table and shaking all the, like, faces off.
Oh, my God. The curtains and the curtains, like, fall off the window. Like, it was like the reaction from the actor was not. It was way more violent or just kind of actual, like, acts. Mm hmm. It was so comical. I was like, This looks like a blooper. But so funny. Bracing on the dinner table just to hold it for support. But like, the candelabras are falling over. I was like, I was believing that. Do we. Should we have a porn review segment? Yeah. Other people do that.
Probably like seventies eighties porn. Yeah, my thing. there was this one, I guess it was an eighties porn. And I really liked this woman's role. She was a real estate person and she walked into this guy's house and he was just getting out of the shower, coordinate a robe on, and she said, I'd like to buy this property. And he says, It's not for sale. Then his then his, his robe comes up, you know, just flies open or whatever.
And she said, Well, with even if I don't buy the property, if I, could be on top of a cock like that, I've still made out. And I was like, wait a second, I've gone to business school. You're no closer to owning that property. I'm sorry. Go ahead. Have you seen Once upon a time in the West. Mm. You have. I always talked about this movie, Right. She hasn't. Seen it. Kevin. Oh, my God. you just asked, my grandson in, in, in, in this, in the assisted living center.
You just asked my grandson, who actually my husband nodding yes. And so that's why I wanted to confirm. That I don't want any more applesauce. I don't want any more applesauce. For the record, I didn't just override law. As I'm sitting here across from you. Wait, did she actually. Because she doesn't know Clearly you. Seen a lot. Of who. Oh, Christ. So I can. See when I read it. Anyway, there's a beautiful actress in it. I think she's Italian.
Hmm. But there's something about when she speaks, it looks like her voice has been over. Oh, right. Quite match. Something about she's not missing. Right? When the voice doesn't kind of fit the face or the person. Yeah, they're outside it. Clearly, the voice sounds like it was prerecorded indoors. Oh. Yeah? Yeah. Weird. Disconnected. Yeah. because it is a spaghetti Western. Wow. Watch that. Yes. The longest movie. And I can't explain why, but I fucking loved it. I would. I would love that long.
It's like. You know. I've just assume I don't like Westerns, you know, because I also feel like the horses are being hurt and or whatever. I just don't like it. Yeah, Yeah, they definitely were. And, you know, in roping, cattle and all that stuff I don't like or sheep I would prefer that they would rope each other. And this always is back to horn. I know, I know. I'm sorry. Ah, well, anyway, But I love loved. The good, the bad, and the ugly. Oh, well, then I guess. The music, everything.
Then you're going to love once. Okay. Is like a the whole soundtrack is a harmonica. It's. Oh, this is personal music. I hate westerns because they're boring. Mhm. When I was a kid on the weekend. Right. This is back last century when you didn't have cable and you just had like a handful of channels. Mhm. And there was something about weekend programing Saturday or Sunday afternoon programing. That was all. Gunsmoke. Yes. That's all I can think of. Right, right, right.
And then they would follow it up with, like, Diff'rent Strokes, which was never. Right. that gave me the. Mhm. Abandonment of westerns. But also westerns are dusty. Yeah. Everybody's dirty. Right. I couldn't handle that. Dirty everybody. And. there weren't any roles for women except for the madam. So there's some kind of. She does play this like woman bride kind of thing. Mhm. Contagious about it. Which means she just gets all the money. Oh. Okay. But so did she. Okay.
I guess we will definitely watch. Movies long enough. We'll be like, goddammit, how does this. No, I wanna. We were, we'll go smoke a joint. Watch it right now. After this though, it really is like every scene is like a painting. Okay, I'm going to I'm going to say something, and then I want you to first and Freud it to me.
I'm happy for, Harry and Meghan for being able to just make it here in America on their name recognition, but also, you know, to to come here with what, millions they had and keep going. I'm happy for them because they came here with what millions they had and immediately plunged it into ill thought out attempts at media. Right. That's a great. Thing. Right now they're just like us. How they're related. That's so. True. way we're playing the game shot in our fashion.
Yeah, well, finding true joy is Freud and Freud okay? In somebody else's good fortune. I am happy that they were called grifters by the people. Did you see. That? I love that. No, that kind of thing. Because honestly, Nobody wants to hear from them, which is hilarious. I think people do want to hear from them right. But they're the least somehow interesting people in that whole inbred family. Mhm. I know it was more fun when here it would play of the fact that his dad wasn't Prince Charles.
Right. That was fun. Cause he looks like the bodyguard. Well, they had mentioned that King Charles is a distant relative of Vlad the Impaler. All related to each other. Right. Yeah, Because if you read Nicholas Alexandria, there's a family tree that shows that. And I think that especially the English and the Russians were kind of way more incestuous. Is this the romanoffs that you're. Yes. Okay. Yeah. They had all the beautiful daughters. Right.
okay, so when they were getting taken over, they were subsequently moved from a palace to smaller palace to a house to house. And then they were murdered. Wow. In that evolution of being taken away from their power. the mother stole a bunch of the jewels and sold them into the girls. Oh, right. Yeah, Yeah, yeah. So they could like to take them. But then when they were taken to the basement to be shot like a firing squad, momentarily, the jewels were just like bullet proof.
Oh, they say that they, shot him. Mm hmm. Filled with smoke. Uh huh. Basement. And so they were waiting for the smoke to clear and like, the girls were still alive. Incredible. Oh, I love that. There. Right. But then they had to, like. Wow, their stories not. Yeah. With their story and, like, rasputin's the best, because he had that whole minimalist, like, outfit thing. He just wear a robe. Was he? This is Sarah, I forget how they found him.
I think he sold himself as, like, a. Yeah, like a healer. Mm hmm. Alexis the son. Right. So the whole thing was they need a sign. Mm hmm. Daughters. And then they finally had a son who was, like, a hemophiliac, which you may as well be gay. I can't think of anything. And so then he was so unhealthy that all the lineage rested on him, Right? Oh, right. Constantly sick, like, had to be put down, feverish, sick and all that kind of shit.
So delicate that somewhere in there Rasputin was called in and was like, the only thing that could heal the kid. Huh? And also the mother was sold hook, line and sinker that this was the only guy that could help her kid. Uh huh. So she bought into this stuff. So it was kind of like he was in there working. But then people started thinking that he was like, manipulating theory or had entranced the Czarina. Ooh, I like that. Exactly.
So then he grew because this was back in the day when they were like. I'm surprised they didn't put leeches all over him. Just people love that they did that. That was the thing. After all, items were exhausted. Rasputin was the only thing he would like. Hypnotize the kid. Mm hmm. You know, he would use, like, mints or whatever. Hmm. So everybody thought he, like, bewitched her. Mm hmm. But then he would go out in the brothels and just get hammered in like, we like this dog. Yeah. Oh, of course.
In those days, everybody thought that the Czar and Tsarina were like, God chosen people. Mm hmm. So then that flew in the face of their, Like God, like. Oh, because they have a wizard. Saving their kid. People inside the palace were working against the family because just of that alone. Uh huh. Then the World war going on was where the public fell against them. Mm hmm. So there were lots of things that led to the fall rescue, which was kind of wire
fell down from the inside. Well. He's gonna saying they tried to kill him, like, 100 different times. You heard that? No, they tried to stab him. Poison him, shoot him. Uh huh. He's running away from the palace. He jumps in a river off a bridge because they're chasing the guards, and he doesn't die from any of the poison, stab wounds or bullets he dies from. He doesn't even drown in hypothermia. Oh, amazing. Then he drowns. Wow. Incredible. He thinks he really wants to win. Sure.
But he's just wearing this, like, long black robe. That's a kind of like old man is. I want to. I was thinking about you. wearing a cape? I feel like look great in one. But I look great in the Cape. We might have to bring it back. Both of us. Uh, one moment. But it seems like When King Charles or. I can't get used to. That or any. But I mean. Okay, well, well, but for a tribe that allegedly, pushes their feelings down and everything everything they say sounds like they're wearing a cape.
It sounds so overly dramatic, like, don't you think he says to his sons, don't make my final years of misery. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And in Kate Middleton was saying, Please don't destroy your brother. And it's like nobody says destroy in a in real life. Medieval scene or. Yeah, I honestly when I wear a cape, it's like I really feel like the true me. Hmm. Yeah. You know how people. They're like, when I'm on stage, I feel like it's the only time I'm happy or. Mm hmm.
You know, our music is going, and it's like wearing a black cape with a red inside and a high collar. Mm hmm. Couldn't be happier. Well, you could be a magician. No, that's why you have to get the high. Oh, okay. High point. You want to look only vampire. Oh, okay. Here's the problem with being a male in your forties. Is that anything with shoulder pads, you look like a magician.
Anything. Uh. I was wearing a blazer for dinner, and I turn the corner and they start clapping and fucking pull a rabbit out of. I couldn't believe it. And they can clap. Oh, yeah. I look like. Wait a second. Were you wearing a cape or. No, no, just shoulder pads. Yeah. Wow. Were you at the Magic Castle? Because maybe it's not his fault. Have you. Been? Yes. Oh, yeah. Gear was I you assholes listened to. So I find out that the new book is in here, so. Okay. I feel like I was there, wasn't I?
There for, like, a stand up show, you know? You know what? Both of you. Both of you. Both of you. Young, nasty brats. I was in the parking lot because we did a show with Tammy Jo. Oh, Pandemic, right? Yeah. Okay, So everybody get off me. Just come up today. way. Okay, but did you go inside the castle? I feel like I was in the lobby, wasn't I? Okay, now you think it's really funny. Geir Garret sitting here laughing, like, is she going to be able to figure out where she was last year? Okay, fine.
I think Prince Harry and see, Prince Harry is just like Prince Charles will always be called that no matter what. They're fucking Tiger. Oh, right, right, right. I think they're hilarious because their whole thing was they want to be, like, kind of left alone. Right, Right. They never stop talking about fuckin podcast and they interview Oprah. Oh, right. And the worst was the interview with Anderson Cooper. I didn't see. That. Oh, it's the movie. And he's fine.
But like, the two things that are happening in that conversation is a Anderson Cooper's a gay man. It's crazy hard on for dead Princess Diana, which all gay men. Okay. He also has a crazy heart, um, for her leaving gorgeous son, Prince Harry. Right. So he's mocking her weird middle ground where he's, like, giddy. Yeah. GROSS Right. You know, because first of all, Prince Harry is, like, kind of handsome, right?
I don't know if I've ever liked him one way or the other, but I decidedly did not like him when he abandoned Kathy Griffin. Oh, precisely. And I'm so happy she's back. I don't even back. Yeah, it shows again. Yeah, Yeah, that's the thing. Game. in media. Yeah. Ah, so. And I understand because gay men are so afraid, You know what I mean? Like, anything could fall apart and, like, because nobody likes us. But it's that kind of betrayal where you're like, Hello? she's your gateway.
Yeah, she's your. Yeah, she's your personality. Yeah. It's not the other way around. Yeah. You need her more than she needs you. Yeah, we're just the balls listeners. Uh, in that moment, I thought her with the fucking Trump mask was a spectacular moment. Hmm. Genius. See, I don't think. Okay. I don't think that was a genius thing. I think that. Strategic. No, no. But I mean, I think it was kind of impulsive, if anything, you know. amateur and impulsive. Yeah.
But that's what that time was like. Right. Still couldn't handle that. He was gonna be the president. Mm hmm. And he's a horrible person, so just watching it in action. All right? Yeah. Yeah. I loved it coming from her. Right. That held up a bloody hand. Yeah, Like. People don't like her, so it was tripled the amount of hate that came her way. Yeah, Yeah, that was too much. And I think it was, especially him being a rapist on top of everything else. it's like. Don't give him any ammunition.
Right, Right. It's like, don't give his fucking sick breed of followers something else to burn. Right. Because she's perfect for them. Yeah. Light on fire, right? No, Kathy Griffin is singularly is like her whole thing in Survivor. Yeah, right. Like, pull yourself out of her own fire. I went antiquing, and. I'm so damn jealous. I can't even fall in Freud on how I feel about that. I have to just. You have to. Not in Freud, have you on that one. And that makes me schadenfreude. Right.
Compulsion for me that gives me the shot. Yeah. So I went to a huge antique store in Nashville. Mm hmm. And it's really exclusively to the Carolinas. Oh. Is he southern or is he okay? Oh, geez. Oh, is that Carolina? Oh, okay. Everybody gay? Because they'll just be talking and all of a sudden they're like, got down with that nice. Mm hmm. I think he's gay, though. First of all, it's a huge antique store, and you wouldn't know how big it was from the outside. Mm hmm.
But then once you get in and it's like I'm talking, like, Disney glass figurines from the fifties behind a glass case. Kind of. Oh, okay. Really? Old piece of furniture, princess Diana. Magazines like that. What magazines were like. But just everything. Mm hmm. And I found a bell. That the window? Mm hmm. It's a music box. Mm hmm. The rings. And so when they turn. Oh, I can't believe you found this with two country bears. That work. Country bears.
One of them is eating I walked in the salad, and when I got to the register, he was still eating potato salad, and. And it's on to go over how he found that bell. And then the other one just, you know, it's not a bell. Like I'm holding my. Mm hmm. And then they sell me. They're like, it's made by and I have to turn to sterling Silver. Mm hmm. And I don't know what spices I get. What is stuff? And they go. They make teddy bears. Know it. Live until you've heard of fuckin Carolina Gay bear.
Say, teddy. Bear. Oh, amazing. Amazing. It was great. I was like, I couldn't tell if they wanted to fuck me, sell me something or vote against me because I'm gay and they're not. You know. I think you are in good company. I think they liked you, and I think they were probably Southern gay. So. So do you think that Goldilocks and the Three Bears. Let's talk about. It. This is the vision in their antique store, right? Right. Like, are you going to buy something or get out?
Yeah. Yeah. And she and the three bears were just upset that she, like, kind of messed up the pillows on their bed. Yeah, she flattened the pillows on our Victorian sofa. Mm hmm. I think it's. I think you found it. Yeah. Right. She just kept touching all the shit and then left without buying anything. Yeah. Or passed out in the baby bear's bed. And then in those doors. Right. It really was one of those things.
It was like if the power went out, I would be fucked Well, over an hour, more on my way out. Wow. I want. Did you take a photo of any of that stuff? I mean, no, I. I have to go back there. Well, I don't know why I'm talking about her so much, but there was, like, a real Princess Diana. Like a doll. Mm hmm. And there were, like, every toy you've ever come across. Mm hmm. And she was, like, all in it. They're all playboys, huh? Jessica Hahn Cheese, Which I wanted to buy. But every time it's like.
I see. I hate to possess porn because I feel like I'm going to be in an accident, and then that's going to be the major identifier. Yeah, And then everybody. Oh, my God, He was straight. Jesus, What a phony. I Okay. I got the host for Hemophiliacs, which was an amazing job once, and he is a strange but sure complementary way. And he's very professional on and not light on conversation but is aloof. Hmm. He's really into his wig. Oh, my God. His hair.
Yeah. No, but he kind of does the same set every night. He plays with the audience a little bit. Uh, you know, sick show, last show of the whole run. And he gets up and he never called. Said anything about I was a host. Hmm. Give it up for whoever the feature was and give it up for your host, Daniel. And was offices and everything. And he was. What if Daniel wasn't gay and then nobody said anything else he was. That would be the most offensive act in history. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. I hit the floor.
I was like, What if I was just appropriating the whole culture? Right, Right. I want that to be my scandal. That's amazing. They found there was like, does Michael Jackson sleep in an oxygen tank? Mm hmm. But, like, there's Daniel Webster next to a woman, and there's, like, this weird National Enquirer photo, like, through a window of me just in, like, fully clothed next door. he's. Right winger. That would be. That would totally be. No one would think
that would be strange for me. But they said. Oh, yeah, yeah, that was like my life in college. The, uh, I was going to say that Michael Jackson, the oxygen thing, I think he was in an oxygen oxygen. I'll forget I was and say like in a children's ward four in the ICU, but that was it. It wasn't a tanning bed. There is a photo of him sleeping in like a tank. Oh, really? Or something? How cool. You ever watch? Do you know anything about Ed Wood or even just. A little bit.
There's the Tim Burton biopic, right? I'm like, Sure. Did you ever watch his old, like, plan nine from Outer space or. Uh. Yes, I think I've done. I did. I did see Plan nine. A long, long time ago. Dana Gould has the actual. What is it, this UFO? Yeah. Yeah. And he has Vampire's Fingernail. Oh, right. Yeah, It was vampire, which is really strange. Mm hmm. Like wide nails. But he has a he may have more. Mm hmm. Yeah.
There's the violent years, which is like, it's a fifties movie about, like, Renegade. Oh. And there's one where they. Presumably. It's like all these girls as young teens around a guy in a convertible. Mm hmm. The segment ends. It's like the movies, like four vignettes, but their segment ends with them. Like getting vamp. Oh. Slowly creep in on the guy in the convertible in broad daylight as it fades to black, where they just suggest that he was sexually assaulted by a band of girls.
Nice. Mm hmm. What, you know, typically happens in sexual assault cases of gangs of when up. Right? Right. Okay. Daniel, have you ever called into a radio station because you wanted tickets or wanted to win something that they were offering? Is it calling into stations? Old fashioned people still do it, do they? I have no. Idea. One of my friends, Stephanie Cox, the first Stephanie Cox ever met. She's won Justin Timberlake concert tickets twice. Whoa. Into a radio station.
Mm hmm. My. They would call in to the radio station to you could announce the top ten CB, like coming in. And this is Daniel from Fort Worth, Texas. And coming in at number eight is Cyndi Lauper. Right. Oh, my cousin. Got me into it. So we were calling to do that. But I was too young and stupid. I didn't know how many of the bands were so on tape as me saying, Here's Metallica. Ha, Fantastic. It's like, I can't say that name. Oh, that's fantastic. I have. And it was.
Oh, calling, calling, calling. Brian. It would ring right? There's no busy signal. Sometimes it just rings into infinity. Wow. One, we have to have Paula Abdul on the show because she. Is. Well, she's good friends with a friend of ours. But God, are you serious? Mm. She just. I tagged her in a happy birthday post on Instagram, and she message said things like, uh, Daniel Webb in 1992 would have jumped off a cliff. That was all I ever needed in life. I think he still probably would.
She's made such an impression. She loves you. Well, I want my first concert with Paula Abdul, and I made my own pink shirt with all of her songs. Titles written all over it. How cool do you still Do you still have it? That shirt. I think it might be somewhere at home, but I have my concert tickets, so. All right, Why don't you have your parents send it out and we'll get I. Yeah, I feel like an asshole veejay. Like we're going to get her out here. Daniel. What a question.
Have you ever called into? I have. And I have never won it. But I remember, when you said that your the prize was you got to read the, you know, the top ten or I won a poetry contest in high school, And the prize was. I mean, if you won for best poem. What the, local news station would read your poem. and I actually had two poems that won, and they did it for like two weeks of kids, different poems, you know, or whatever. And I was really happy with the way he read it and everything.
And I was eating breakfast with my mom and, and we're listening. And I said, Well, what do you think? And my mom said, You know, it was good. But I think people like poems that rhyme. Mm hmm. Oh, no. Good job. You know, you're so talented or at Let's not even fuck with the content of your poem that it didn't write. Mm hmm. How'd that make you feel? I was furious because I just thought, you know, first of all, I've always been on some kind of speed or another.
I was on I was on DEXA Trim, and I wrote that poem in 2 minutes. First of all, that shit makes you write. That's a trip. Or just being any kind of speech. You're like, You're fucking Shakespeare at that moment, right? Right. Oscar Wilde. Are these bombs? I found them. I've actually found because I was putting away some stuff and my mom is pretty much sent me everything that she had saved of mine.
it's one of the poems was about like a one was about drinking with friends or getting into a car accident. Like, don't do this because this. One, then maybe. No, but it was more like, look out, look. Out. Fuck you, fuck you. We know we have to have, like, a reading. Okay. Okay. No, I don't want to get. You're so delighted with it. And then this. No, calm down. Look out, Look out. I have. I have.
I can equal this because I have, like, poems that I wrote in, like, the fourth grade that I can bring. Okay. Have a poet. Okay, Our next pen. Okay. We'll have a poetry reading. I love that. A high school. Poetry? Yeah. School. Yeah. Okay. Hundred percent. And guess what? My fucking poems rhyme. Oh, God damn it. You should be my mother's son instead of me being my mother's son. I'm. I've been true blue. Everything rise. Oh, mine are about like a ghost. Oh, well, that's clever.
That's at least that's clever. Always like there's something spooky in all my. Uh huh. Moon And the wind is always doing something. I hope it was that caliber. The wind is doing something windy. I can. It's Texas. We had minor printed on the kind of paper we had to tear the edges out. Yeah. Uh huh. Yeah, yeah. And I think because there's an epic poem. Huh? It's like a full weather forecast. There's the full moon is going on. That's amazing.
Still, I think, because I didn't want to break up the sequence. It's still in the connected paper. Made a tear. The paper right from each other? Mm hmm. Like, connected. And were you. Did you get any praise? Like, about the. Ah, I definitely. Your teacher probably really liked you. Your English teacher? Yeah. Okay. Think to my parents, they were already mortified how my wrists were. They're like. And he writes poetry like. How much worse could this get?
And my guess why I'm going to start comedy haha, I'm going to be a drag queen. Oh yeah. No, my father was supportive, but I think it was like, Are you going to turn this the. You know what I mean? Right? I know one person in my life who's like a famous poet. They are a firefight writer. Now. Who was. It? Her name is Susanna Follett. She was in Texas. Okay. And together called Show Me Tiger. Oh, and she's very funny, like great writer. But she made a name for some of the poetry community.
But it's like. You know, I have. Pamphlets for the. Rest. I have one friend like that. And I think and she's professor. Her name is Denise Duhamel. Denise Duhamel. What were the things you tried to call for better radio station and stuff where you tried to call for what it is? Yeah. Oh, my God. I think I. I tried to get tickets for the the really awful rock movie, the Led Zeppelin movie. The what. The song Remains the same was that the movie was called. Like Spinal Tap. No, no, just for a movie.
Nobody came to our fucking town. No big bands came to Jamestown. They just. No. You had to go to Buffalo. Yeah. Yeah, we'd have to go to Buffalo. To see who you were. Like in a white rock? Yeah, actually, I saw the police. We drove to see the police, And that was pretty amazing, except we were on ecstasy and I had taken too much, and I was just the whole time I was staring at the ceiling. We had shitty seats anyway, but. There is such a thing as too much ecstasy.
Yeah, my too much ecstasy, unfortunately, took place when I was in, like, a massage circle. Mm hmm. Do you ever go to theater school? Did you ever, like, go to college or university? Oh, sure. But I knew nothing of that. I never took theater classes, remember? They're very touchy. Feely. Uh huh. A massage. So We were all good. We were all on ecstasy. And some of the grand idea was like, Well, let's all sit in a circle and more like, rub each other's shoulders. And that's when everybody's night
went to shit. Everyone said, Wow. Wow. I remember. I was like, We're sitting. I was trying to enjoy the brutal shoulder massage. I was getting. And I remember going, What is that? Huh? And around the person was right shoulder was grinding their jaw. Oh, man. Here it yeah, Everybody had a horrible line. There was a fish album being a live fish album on cassette being played like everything and the Too Ecstasy. That's it. Wow. So you were too high at the police? Uh huh, yeah.
One time I took mushrooms and I was at a Tori Amos concert by myself. Mm hmm. Which is way more fun than his own. and I remember I was sitting at Red Rocks, and that's how I've been someone I had a college class with in Texas. Taps me on the shoulder. I was like, Yes. She goes, I just like sitting over here all by yourself. Would you like to come join me and my friends? Huh? First of all, I was high shit on mushrooms. So the the synchronous city, the coincidence of, like, seeing someone I know.
Oh, huge. Sure. Crazy. So then I go join her friends who all hate Tori most and can't stand concert, and they're just shitting all over the show while I'm on. Like, you know, I'm on another planet. Mm hmm. Oh, it was rough. I was at the Staples Center for It was like, kind of. NBC had given some of the writers and producers tickets, you know, box tickets at the Staples Center. so I was there, you know, some of the writers in this one room, and we were watching John Mayer.
And first of all, he was saying, I'm sorry, I'm not, you know, probably going to leave California. And everybody it's going, you know, like he's kind of announcing that, you know, he's not going to stay here anymore. And I was like, Fuck you, get out. Good. Go, go, go. I was okay, whatever. And and I felt and that was me completely sober. And then this friend of mine, one of the writers, someone great, said, you know, those brownies are pot brownies. And they said, Get out.
And so I was like, This could actually be a good concert. So I started taking, you know, eating the brownie. and they were really delicious and small. So I had like three. Okay. And then I was suddenly completely out of my, you know, just laughing at myself and just completely laughing about nothing. I was like I was having my own party. I was so happy with my own company. And so I went to the ladies room because I was kind of embarrassed. So I was thinking, I keep getting looks.
Oh, and that's another thing. I think when you're with a lot of people and someone says, Are you okay? Right? They don't care if you are okay. They're just saying you're making a fool of yourself. You're embarrassing me. That's what are you okay? Means you're embarrassing yourself. Okay, So anyway, I went to the ladies room because I, you know, was not okay. And then. And there was an exec in there. B male exec. And we had a couple said a few things to each other, and I was like, stayed there.
I was just giggling to myself and I was washing my hands and I left. And then I didn't want to go back in to to the room because I thought I was being, you know. Yeah. So I sat outside the ladies room and I had my head down. I was kind of just laughing because I thought my big plan was going to say I had a headache, I don't know what. And I just had to sit in the dark over and this other female exac comes out of the bathroom And then it was just kind of weird. Are you going back in?
And then I just start laughing to myself again and, and say, Have you ever tried drinking from the bowl? Oh, and then I'm crying, laughing at myself. And she just gives me a look like, Aha, like a fake, a little laugh. Like, how. Can you do an executive to say something funny? Yeah. Yeah. Comedy. Exactly. At first, that's the last thing. So, okay, we have a lot of our design poetry reading. Uh huh. We have to at least watch one. Yeah. And a what? And a western.
Yeah. Let's. Let's do that. Okay, cool. what? What, what, what? We should have, like, a poetry competition where the listeners vote. This poem is the best. Or the worst. Yeah, Yeah, exactly. Exactly. I would love that. Sure. Okay. Oh, this is so fun. Yeah. Okay. I love you, too. But.