But anyway, she was And the reason she was adopting it was because the eye wanted it. Right. So she said yes, The dog was on antibiotics and the eye actually just recessed and normalized or whatever. So then we got this normal looking dog and then like a couple weeks later, the other I got fucked up. Oh. And it happened to me. It was like Betty Blue. Is that why you name it? Penny Blue. Did you poker out your dog? well, originally I was on the list. He had me up with one.
And his name was Buddy. Mm hmm. And it wasn't those folks that you were just talking about was a different group. And I think they definitely bait and switch. Yeah, cause I. Was like your little buddy. Mm hmm. It's exactly what I wanted. I'll take him. And they said, Okay, great. He'll come tomorrow. And then they were like, Mm. The lady who's fostering him. Yeah. To keep him. But we had, um, Lois and Phyllis, who are the age and. You know. But we have a human boy. Really?
And so then this other group, like, a week later, approached me, So I was going to name him Buddy. I was excited for Buddy. Buddy has a son, Benny, that I love. Oh. Oh, Lots of tears of concern. But have. To go to a bunch. On this tour, though, whereas she's playing like 80,000 people. Or so. That's insane. It's a. Great show. Ah, hands down. I mean, I thought Elvis. Elvis was my first concert. Amazing. He was in Rolling Stones. Oh, it's. But the Rolling Stones, like, right from the front.
Okay, we. We have to introduce you. Okay. Okay. Hi. Welcome to what we thought would happen. You've been talking to a very special guest, Jamie Briggs. Who's amazing. Jamie is not only an incredible comic, she is also a top selling real estate agent. And just an all around amazing person. And when I met Jamie, we were at the free clinic. And let me I'll just.
Just and I don't think you mind me saying that we were waiting to get tested and Jamie had just gotten out of a bad marriage and I had just gotten fired from the Harvey lobby for sniffing glue. Yeah, but. That was my hobby. And you just can't do it during office hours. Wait, what kind of glue? Airplane. Glue? No, not like the rubber cement, remember? Oh, my. Yeah, it's heaven. Didn't really get around the mountain. Drugs. Oh, no. Yeah. But what would get you there? Yeah.
What kind of horse? Who would get you? All I know is everybody who scared the crap out of me when I was in, like, junior high. And it's been a big push at that time to be real. Well, it was maybe. Yeah, it was the original regulars coming around. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. They were like, Oh, I found out. Lose all of your intelligence immediately. Well, it was very much like eighties and, like, the crack scare. Oh, yeah. Everybody with crack. And it was like when we all did crack pot. Yeah.
Oh, I know. I didn't. I was so afraid about pot. I didn't smoked. I was 16. So pot really got me. The reason I didn't smoke more pot. I'm tremendous in accounting. Oh, okay. When I was in high school, I didn't smoke that much because I read an article that it caused your hormones to be off balance and it would make you more masculine. Oh, wow. I think that's a great way to. For you're going. To get hair. Yeah. Don't want it like that. Honestly.
Even as a as a like a teenager when I started my knuckles, I would shaved my fingers because I wanted feminine hands. Oh, wow. My life was like, I'm not ready yet. I need I can have man hands, but I should have just been smoking weed. Yeah, exactly. So there was a there was another, like, old world deterrence, right? Like cornflakes were supposed to reduce your sex drive, so you wouldn't masturbate. Oh, my. God. But that's like an old joke. Saltpeter in the rations.
Oh, yeah. Oh, no, no. But. Oh, yeah. That they did. Yeah. They didn't have, like, a horny army or a gay army. Is that what it was? They wanted them to alter and. We need to bring that back. Saltpeter. There are too many people, too many people on the planet. So salt people. The thing like maybe it's just a. Placebo. Yeah. Yeah. I don't even what is saltpeter literally is more salt. Well, now it's my trans name. Oh, my God. What was I just thought of? Oh, yeah.
My new drag queen name is Maureen Layer. Nice. Beautiful. I love that. Gentle, classy. But very. She's very mysterious. Come into the room or leave her room without a cloud of smoke. Or be names. Oh, I love her. So good. Yeah, I just. I go sometimes just because I want to wait. Where are they? The L.A. Derby, huh? I haven't been since before COVID. Uh huh. They played and played. They skated at a place in Echo Park. Yeah. And I used to go sometimes when my daughter was in high school.
She was in a punk rock band, and sometimes they would play, like. Halftime. Yeah. Oh, wow. I saw Exene Cervenka do the national anthem. Amazing. A benefit. And Ed Asner was weird, which is the most punk rock thing that's ever happened. That's. That's crazy. Equally, there was a roller derby in Austin. Wow. You can play the halftime, which a lot of my friends invented.
But the one guy, he was a total punk record studio was he also played the trumpet and he was playing the national anthem at the roller derby. And it was the next gig in the studio was like, Hey, how was the gig? It was like, I kind of thought that I was like on the national anthem. I was like, Yeah, pretty important part of like, was it like the rockets red glare part is like, that's the part, huh? Your trumpet got purple Barbie. Yeah, air fart and the microphone. But now roller derby.
they used to be real teams. Are they real teams are now. Is it like wrestling on wheels? Okay, in my opinion, it's super fun. It real? Mm hmm. He tells me different. Be on wheels. Oh, cool. Usually that's a demographic of women who are really athletic. I'm really excited about it. There's a lot of camaraderie. And. I don't think they make very much money. No fun. The hard fall. Yeah, fall. And my tickets. And how do you win? I think. Is it like a race? Yeah.
Yeah, it is a race. Okay. They knock each other out and everything. I used to watch on TV. Oh. Something. Right. I don't think there is fear. You're just racing to knock over. That's how bad I am. Yeah, I don't know. I don't either. I love the idea of it. I don't know what it is. Exactly. A punk show, right? Yeah, right. I just go because they're like Helen Skelton, like. Yeah, yeah.
Oh, It's just awesome and kind of liberating the way that punk rock can be Sure at the intersection, like a Venn diagram of punk rock and roll. Oh, sure. I love to roller skate things. Amazing. Yeah, all. That. And you know, there's now a women's hockey league. You're kidding. Me. I'm not kidding. How fucking great my one sport was field hockey, and the only thing I could do. You told me about. This was. Very private school thing. Well, this is just.
This is just upstate New York, Western New York. It's actually a white, trashy thing in our school. No. Yeah. Because we always just in mud. We could hit people with sticks in the mud. That's what it was. And I really like that. Pig that thought. Yeah. You know, Asner read children's stories, which is. Yes. So you can go. In to this little they had like it was around Christmastime. So they had like a little Mr. Mrs. Claus cottage. And you could go in and listen to Henry's stories.
And I think there might have been young people there who thought he was just a nice. Oh, yeah. You know. We in elementary school, like Santa Claus would come visit the elementary school. But in Texas, he. We went in a helicopter. Wow. Santa's Mrs. Claus. There's usually a Rudolph and a frosty. Everyone you knew the demographic of your neighborhood. Like, were you in a wealthy neighborhood? No, not at all. Well, here is the thing. It was that we knew the people playing.
They went to our church, So like, huh? Watering down, you know, she'd be saying, Hi there. I was like, This is kind of like Georgiana. And she just winked. Oh, how cute. Really blew the suspension of disbelief. So I was like, It's a lie. Yeah, no one's a back up. Yeah. It'd be like, just pretend it's, uh. Relax, Jamie. I was like, they're lying to us. They're. Because when you're an only child, you have to do all the work.
Oh, my God. Like, you have to break every, superstition or all of that ritual. You have to. Yes. And then there's no one to even, like, conference with. Like, do you think it's real and all that? You're basically doing all the emotional labor for your parents. Mm hmm. Whilst. Ha ha ha. Who were you popular in high school? That's a good question. I think it was probably in a popular. Uh huh. I'm not sure if I was personally popular. Um, feel. Like in small town high schools,
the popular girls really aren't liked. Mm. They're bitches, like, Oh, she's a popular girl. Not like, Oh, I love Jamie and Laura. They're popular. Uh huh. Oh, yeah. I think I was one. Of those. Also in our school, was the cheerleaders and the jackets. They were the most popular. Yeah. What is the jacket. Of female jock? Oh, I saw that. Yeah, Yeah. There's just one. And it was Jackie Jeffries. Mm hmm. She played football. The only girl on the whole show. Her? She. No, she was out there.
I don't know. I think she, like, played. Well out there. Yeah, that's really. That's really cool. Her name was Rhiannon. And she got real mad if you even tried to singer a Fleetwood Mac. I have. I'm the only person at the school who knows who we were. Oh, I interrupted you when you were telling us that you saw Elvis. Um, and. Yes, I'm an only child. Yeah, My parents got tickets to see Elvis in, like, 1973. Mm. Fresno. Wow. Wow.
And of course, like any American kid, I was obsessed with Elvis, and my mom was like, Oh, that would be fine. That's nice, because the Elvis, like, I mean, I like Elvis enough. You know, my mom ripped those opera glasses out of my hands. Ha ha ha ha ha. And it was like when they still did the, you know, bump boom. Oh. When he walks in was if they had at that point. No. Oh, wow. He was certainly not slim. Mm hmm. He was like, you know, a good looking, larger Elvis, but not like he got.
Yeah. Yeah. Was it, like, white? Oh, yeah. How did it start with it Caught in a trap. Oh, yeah. That's. We started with a camp worker. Not sure, because, you know, I don't remember what he started with. Okay. Do you remember him wiping his sweat onto silk handkerchiefs and throwing them into the audience or silk scarves? Yeah. And I was like, That's disgusting. Yeah. Yeah. Like, I don't know, it's disgusting or not. Ha ha ha. I just thought genuine a few years ago, but it was. Oh, wait,
who sings? Pony? It's genuine, right? I don't know. Anyway, Yes. And he did the same thing. He ripped his shirt off. Mm. there was no sign or form the anchor was he ripped a shirt off. He did pushups over a towel. They laid a towel and say a push up. Then he wiped his body on it and then he stood up and his height man picked up the towel and threw it into the audience and the towel was disintegrated by ravenous fans. Could God. But I do, Yeah, 100%. And this was just a few years ago.
People wanted his. Yeah. So what was the voted Elvis was to you at that age? Were you. I just thought he was really important. Ha ha ha. Yeah. And I thought because I'd seen all the Elvis movies and we had all the Elvis records on vinyl, of course. Yeah. Yeah. So I just thought that he was just a super important person. Yeah. And I mean, this is interesting, though. I mean, we talked about this a little bit before. I wasn't raised by my biological father, so who. Was Elvis? But it's funny.
Because I knew that Elvis had been sent to the Army. I knew he was overseas. Mm. And, you know, when you're a little kid, you just put things together, don't. It may not even matter. Uh huh. And I knew that my biological father had been in the army. I know what that meant. And so I would just always look at this picture of Elvis in his GI uniform and be like, I bet that's what my dad looks like. Oh. Yeah, you. Can call them my dad. But I'd be like, That's what my father looks like. Like that.
Yeah. And my mom sort of disparaged Elvis at one point because there's a cover of a record and he has very pale hands, very lovely manicured nails. Yeah. Fingers like me. Oh, yeah. I wanted. And then mom was like, Well, not a man. Oh, yeah, that's too pretty. Wow. Security it's nice that you had, like, Elvis to choose from. I remember my mom always had a lot of boyfriends, and I didn't realize until I was probably about five that the ugliest one was my dad, And I was like, That's the one.
That she cried. Look what I have to look forward to. Look what's going to happen to me. Is a dominance I. Man. Please. I mean, this is ridiculous to say I love, but people know this from animal husbandry that it's more the mom than the dad. Oh, really? Even in horse breeding and stuff like it's more the mom and. Dad got my face and my mom. Yeah. Thanksgiving, right? She was up in her pajamas baking early. And we have the same hair now. Everyone is there. I don't look at them so very.
But even the fucking cowlick. Uh huh, Yeah. Yeah. So now we have the exact same know every day, but we. Okay, we got Brian Miller's eyebrows. Coming out of it. I love her. Yeah. Okay. We just went to the Rock Roll Hall of Fame and because of I was with Margaret Cho, so we had access, so we got to go to the ball. Have you seen. I? My, my daughter's been. And they told me about it and they got so excited because they were like, they let us in for free.
And if you're a touring band or a touring musician, you do get in for free. Oh, wow. They're really like music friendly. Exactly. But they took us to the vault and they showed it. They opened this closet and there's just clothes hanging on, right? Like, it's just very unceremonious. Jimi Hendrix is in there. She's on the thing, right? Everybody's in there. But then she pulled out. And the only reason is that it's Elvis's guy, like the real thing. Some things you can't even take pictures out.
Right? Right. And they won't even let you because the estates. But they don't want to let anyone know they even exist. Oh, yeah, it is. So you couldn't get. And then the lady's holding it, right? Like you can't touch it, of course, and things. But I got close enough to sniff everything and it smells so good. It's like, musty. Like some kind of. Now I wish I was looking for like, a. Like an aqua Velva. Just like Florida Water. But it was like. It was. It was I was that close to it.
And I was like, my grandmother loved Elvis and I was like, channeling her. I'm like, we made it. Like, know how. To. Do. This evening. She was like, Really? It stop long? It's kind of awkward. Green like suede or velvet. It's like she.
Always wonder with stuff like that because, you know, guys are asked for stuff sometimes like, can you donate something to something and always wonder, Do you give the thing that you really wore or do you give the thing that looks nice that you wish people would think you wore? Like when someone asked for a favorite book? MM Do you give the one that's really your favorite or the one that you wish was your. Favorite. Person you wish were? Am I the only person that has this?
No. No. Physically loaning someone a book or you just you. Look at what's your favorite book? Theoretically and real. Mm. We'll be like, Oh, do you have something to donate for this? And I'll be like, Oh, yes, of course I have this very stimulating piece of literature, or I'm like, these pulp westerns that I'm crazy about. Like, those are the ones I really. Was angry that where you go. A little bit, the more. Uh huh, yeah, yeah. Old fashioned like that. Jane Willis Yes or no?
Yeah. I think my favorite book has been the same for 25 years. Well, it's Clarice Lispector Apple. An apple in the dark. The Argentinean writer. I'm just remembering. I don't think anyone. Has ever smart. Answer. no one's asking what my favorite book is that I think anybody thinks I read. Well when. I can. It was always The Stranger, which is now like. Wow. I know in this age that mass shootings, I need to think of a. More. Yeah, I need a better book. Right? You're like Catcher in the Rye.
In The Stranger? Kind of. Yeah. It's that. Yeah. I need to think of like a Where's Waldo. Hunger and I were smoking pot. I always like to watch, like, Italian horror films or just something, you know, from the sixties or seventies. And it said, I you know what? I don't want to read. You can't read subtitles. I just finally and Right. I just watch for the first time ever what their view of the Oh damn. Never seen it. Yeah, well, I was addicted to those books. Okay. After Phoebe was born.
Yeah, because I spent all my day like Duffy's and. Mm. And you're just so sweet. Sweet, sweet. All day. The minute she would fall asleep, I would rip. Through those books. Uh, and then I had an analogy that you know how those books work. Like the vampire can read everyone's minds. Mm. Everything. Animals, people, they can read other vampires minds. Except they can't read the minds of the vampires that they need. Oh, wow.
And, you know, Anne Rice wrote a lot of those books in answer to her grief over losing a child. Oh, I didn't know that. Oh, that's right. Yeah. So I felt like it was an analogy like, you can't have the one relationship that's the most important to you. You can never really know the person you made, and that's what it feels like to kids. Hmm. Like this person is so important to me. I would gladly die for sure, but gladly die for this person. Mm. God, I don't. Understand. Ha ha ha ha ha.
I want your happiness more than I want my own breath. Ha ha ha ha ha. You just want me to be miserable? Ha ha ha. Yeah. Ah, funny. Yeah. Yeah. Homoerotic. Oh, the woman movie. Oh, I was. I was on the fucking floor. I was laughing because. Yeah, now. It. Yeah, it seems really Overly dramatic. Almost broad. Oh, I've never watched it. I've never seen it. It's so. Good. It's like one of the greatest ever camping. Oh, no. Well, I got to say, how old were you when you said.
I mean, I was a kid, but I really, really believed it. Like, I was really into. Oh, for sure. But now it's like a love story. Yeah. And with a samurai sword. Yeah, but now I watch it and I can't stop laughing. It's a funny movie. Uh huh. Oh, we're. Yeah, we're having. I'm not. I'm not a Kevin. I don't know why Kevin Costner just seems boring to me. I guess he is a good actor, though. But there was a short part of history hot guy. Oh, yeah, I'm sure. Manly, dude. Yeah, Yeah, sure. Yeah, yeah.
Handsome. Yeah, Just got it. When actors start directing. Yeah, that's when they. Would think Robin Hood. We can all. Yeah, yeah, in pandemic, I didn't realize how much I was going to I was doing my taxes, but I was going to get massages. I was like, oh, it's probably in hindsight, I'm like, oh, because I had no contact with anybody. Yeah, I was trying to seek it out. But at the time I thought, you know, my back aches and I'm got this free time.
But now I realize I was like, Yeah, I would fucking you needed it. I needed to be, like, held by some stranger. Mm hmm. Well, I think we discount how much that's needed by people because it can be very isolating to just be like, Oh, I go to work and I go home, and I know I did that for a really long time. And then you go, Oh, wait, this isn't healthy. Yeah, I'm not really out there in the world.
I would actually, like, offer to babysit for friend's kids cause I just needed a person who needed me for a minute. Mm hmm. We braid your hair. Well, we watch Snow White or whatever. Oh, it's nice. Yeah, Now everything's great. But, you know, and you two did something. You both of you have another thing that I admire you both for. You both did something that I cannot imagine ever doing. You were on a cruise ship. with 100 or more strangers for several days. That would be like thousand.
that would be my nightmare. what cruise are you. Oceania. Four? Were you just cruising Mediterranean? No, I wasn't working. That seems fun. Yeah. But also a little bit hellish because you have to read the room. And the room has a thousand people. Yeah. And they talk. That's good. Oh, for sure. They know it's not a show. No, it's very different. It's not like, Oh, this club is going to be like this and this club is going to be like this. It's like people from all over the world.
Yeah. Yeah. Well, mine were gay cruises, so that really narrows it down. Okay. And then they always put me there's different kinds, but they always put me on the older man cruise. Like the last one. The average age was 68, which is fine, but, like, I can't call myself old. I'm 41, you know? Yeah, they get offended by that. But. but you went to Greece and you went I mean, what you talk about a little bit. I was just curious because I haven't really talked to you since you got back about that.
I was super excited to do it. Like a couple of years ago, my friend Kathy and I were talking about like what we wanted to do and She would want to go on a big cruise, their husband, and he wasn't feeling so well. So she's like, Would you want to go? And so my whole life. I want to go to the Parthenon. Oh, yeah. I just I mean, you see it, you think about it. It's like this imagination. Sparks. Hmm. I can actually fly there. Yeah. Yeah. So that was where we kind of started.
Like, we want to cruise. That is going to leave us in Athens for a little bit. And then we just ended up on one that was like 28 days. 21 Oh, yeah. Because when we first did it, we were like, Oh, we'll go for two weeks. So we made the reservation. That's what I've done then. Koven Oh damn, yeah. so we kicked the can a year and then we kicked it another year. By the time we went, I was like, Well, you know, this might be the only time in my life I'm going to get to do this. Let's just go do this.
Yeah, we did it big and we started in like Barcelona. We went to like some French islands, Italian islands, you know, Rome. You know, I. Talked. About this at I'm cab. Right? Right. I'm sure we did. Talking about. No, I think you may have. When did you go? A year. This July. So it was I think you were about to go. Yeah. Mm hmm. Just as good as. Wow. Then I thought it was going to be, but just as good. Mm. Some things are better. Some things were weird. I mean, it was a weird.
It is weird to be, like, at the dinner show. Yeah. No offense to these hardworking performers, but you know what I mean. That's so weird. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, so it was like a dance cabaret type thing or. Oh, and those. Guys have to work really hard. And then the next morning, they basically have to be your escort to the, you know. The spice market, right? Yeah, right. Oh, they weren't working hard, but some of them could really sing, and some of them were really good at taking us to.
The Spice Girls are nice, you know, there's a lot of older people. Mm. Oh, whippersnapper. Oh, sure. And one thing I love about was ah, tons of people from Florida just smoking. There are. Oh damn. And they had like special areas where you could smell. Yeah. So I was like really good. Yeah. Yeah. you know, not all the time, no longer, but you know, it's like I give it up a lot and then I kind of have a couple.
When I was on the cruise, I felt like, well, I don't know if the general, the retired general from Florida and I are going to smoke some or a cigaret. I've got two words for you, maritime law. What happened? I didn't know you could smoke Cigarets. Oh. Wow. And does your friend who went with did she smoke? Huh? So you and. You. Were on opposite sides of the ship. Okay, sweet about it, but I yeah, I so I feel like oh. Cigaret the casinos, that's where you can smoke. Oh, my God. I loved it.
The casino. Yeah, because, you know, people try to dissuade you from taking cruise. They're like, Oh, you're going to hate it. It's just a floating buffet. And I was like. Wait, I love I love casinos. I had no idea there was a casino. I think you have a bad impression. I do, Rightfully so. But here's the thing I I hate because it's like a cruise ship with gay guys. So the people are trying to fuck and stuff like that. So when you're fending off and as. Kind of like, yeah.
Yeah, oh, yeah, no disrespect, that's the community, but it's like I just wasn't the mood. So art equally like performing. I love a buffet, but the one thing I love to do is like smoke some weed and just stare at the open ocean. That shit for a day. We need our own boat. Yes, I think a lot of. Yeah. And no. The thing I loved about it was it was forced downtime, literally. Yeah, that's true. You get on the internet. Mm hmm. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Nobody knows anything about it.
I mean, you just are laying in the sun with a pina colada. The one thing that fucking whipped me back to Earth real fast was like, day four on the cruise where you have no service. And then all of a sudden you get wanted. The first text message you've gotten in and out of days is AT&T saying you've exceeded your limits and you. Have $1,000? Yeah. Are you? Oh, well. I had to get real middle aged lady on. Feel because I mean those days ha mean. Yeah I did the. Same thing checked my coverage.
Yeah I covered a card to hang out. I don't know where we are but I know that we're covered right. Oh, and I mean. That's funny. My daughter was on tour once and they crossed some crazy ass maritime border. Wow. Like some water in the ocean where her coverage laps. Oh, jeez. The AT&T was like, that's going to be 50. Yeah. Oh, sorry. Yeah, yeah. There's just don't serve me there. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. They should let you know that.
Yeah. Madonna's writer, which is excessive because she has a huge. I've heard that. The best is Grace Jones is sort of a killer writer. It's like the best champagne, oysters. And then the thing is, where do you open an oyster with what's it called? Sucker? Yeah. So included on her writer is an oyster sucker. I knew. That. Yeah, you. You're kind of. Highfalutin, actually. I love a good shark. You're a woman of the sea. You know, oysters.
Yeah, but, uh, Madonna has one of the weirdest things is 20 international landmines. What? I'm like, that's why we don't pay roaming. She's Madonna. 20, 20 international landmines. Wow. What kind of online gambling shit? She like that? But to me, I'm like this probably a money saver in the longer term. If you're in Sao Paulo and a they're trying to call Rocco back home. I love the idea of a writer. Being able to say. I want this kind of sparkling water. And with this also the fact.
You hold back, it's giving a writer to you or you. I've never had. That. I've never had one either to tell you. I've had people say like, What do you want for lunch? Yeah, but I've never. That just because again, why do. You want more? Like, what would you like in the fridge? Yeah. Can I tell. You a really good time? We started really fast, so my friend worked at Amoeba in S.F. and he was. He had two phones and it was Mrs. Waits getting back order LP records through Amoeba.
So my friend's the one who's transacting the deal. So he's got Mrs. Waits on the phone and the distributor on the other phone, and he's doing the middle talking. So there's a lot of dead time. So he's just eavesdropping on Mrs. Waits and what she hears. This time I'm making lunch. Where do you wanna go? No time. I'm not making pancakes. What do you want? I'm having a turkey sandwich. Tom. What do you want for lunch? Tom, you can't just have. Pancakes all day. There's this argument with Tom.
Oh, that's so funny. In the background, which I thought was the kind of the Tom Waits I want to. Ha. Right. Yes. If you haven't made your pancakes. Yeah, but she's also his muse and like, I think she's done a lot for his work, so maybe she doesn't have to make it really warm. Did you read Rickie Lee Jones Last Chance Texaco book? No. It's so. Good. I did take Phoebe to see her when she played at the echo stage, and we got the full Rickie Lee Jones treatment.
So I said, It is beautiful. Oh. And a lot of it is just growing up in L.A. and they're not going, but coming up in the seventies. Yeah. A lot of Tom Waits. Well, it's funny cause we took one of these friends eighth grade. Mm hmm. Hey, Rickie Lee Jones is playing at the Echo. I got tickets. Do you remember? The mom was like, Oh, well, that would be great. So we got there at like eight the show since it started like eight. But it's music, so like, doors are at eight. Right. Down.
00 my friend goes, You know, we need to go because she has a test tomorrow. And that's when I knew that I was either the best mom in the world or the worst. I don't care to test you. Just go, Yeah, you just, like, walked back and forth across the stage. I mean, she sang and it was awesome, but she was also like. My God, on stage, I'm terrible. Ha ha. Ha ha. And I thought I loved her. Yeah.
Nina Simone would never she was never on time to perform because her whole thing was she won't perform until she thinks the audience is ready. Oh, that's so great. 30. But she's like, No, they're not ready. Like, she the anticipation that she would build up right was her metric for when she should take the stage. I saw Madonna at the will Turn. Show. During that tour where she wasn't taking the stage like 1230. Oh, God. And I knew it was going to start late. That's too late.
But I got there at like ten and I had to pop it out. Peaches and I slept through most of the show, God through Lady. It was for me. Well, she showed up late, which she was on Will and Grace. She showed up late to a table read an hour and a half, and let everybody wait and said, Well, you know, I know I'm really late, but tough shit, I'm Madonna. And I was like. What is? I wasn't there. I would have said, You're so fucking lame. I wasn't there, though, but the other writers told me about that.
They had to wait that long. Apparently, Robert Redford has a reputation for always being. Why? My friend told me they know you don't understand. Like, really late. Really late. And I was like, I don't get it. And then I saw one of those photos, you know, that people give to people in their own show. And it was to a friend of mine from Robert Redford, and it said, Dear Don, sorry about the weight. Oh, my God. And I was like, Oh, my.
God, It's like a thing. Yeah. Anybody who's worked is like, No, it's a big deal. It's more than a network. Like, it's way more than. And what's he doing? Is it like a TED talk? What does he do? What is he doing that you're waiting to see? He meditating or. I'm a habitually late person, but it ultimately comes down to I am just distracted. It's like I'm like keys in the door, ready to lock it. And I'll be like, Oh, look, my Fender. Rhodes. Into such a gift to yourself. Like, if you are.
Yeah, like, oh, the grace that is me. I'm bathed in grace and that never happens because I never let myself. Yeah, yeah. I finally, in my forties, have aged out of. Oh, just one more beer before I leave for. Or. I'll just have an I an. I really want to organize that. Drawer. Yeah. Yeah. That adrenaline. My friend calls it cleaning the fan before finals. Oh shit. You won't do. And then you're like, have to do a task that you desire less. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what?
I've never really cleaned this whole thing with a toothbrush. Yeah, exactly. Now, yeah, I feel like I'm always kind of in my head about something like. It was crazy. I had a dream about a boss at a show I was working on asked me my opinion, and that would never happen. So that's a fucking dream. And then I said exactly what I thought. And then the really crazy end of the dream was, Laura, you're right. Which I call the three most beautiful words in the English language.
Yeah, it might as well be you. Yeah. Someone asked my opinion and I gave it. No. Yeah, you can feel that as a as a female, that. Do men ever ask your opinion? It's always a trap. Yeah, they might ask it, but as a way to prove how little you understand. Yeah. I have a series of jokes that I thought were funny for a while about like listening to music with men or reading books with men. Sorry. You know, I am one, but I constantly say men are the worst because we are.
And sometimes going to catch myself being a man in my mind doing. Oh, it's okay. Guys will like recommend something to you, and then they'll be like, Did you listen to it properly, properly. Properly. Love it. Uh huh. You didn't listen to it, right? Yeah. Oh, my God. Oh, okay. So you don't say, Oh, you're right. They're amazing. And I of. Math rock is so. Yeah, so love. And then I really like the Grateful Dead a lot. Really? Oh. I mean, back in the day, I was so good.
I would go see them whenever I got the chance, not follow them like some people, obviously, whenever. And I'm from Northern California, so I got a chance to see them quite a bit. And I love the Grateful Dead. Mm hmm. I don't want to defend the Grateful Dead. I'm like. Yeah, you don't. Yeah, right. I'm saying the different Tori Amos. Yeah. Oh, she has. The same psycho. Following. Yes. And there's a certain type of young. Sensitive man. Yeah. Hi. Uh, addicted to dream. Yeah. I love you for it.
Yeah, but it's like a very small club. I have a tiny story about the Grateful Dead. My mom and I were looking at colleges in Syracuse because I was trying to get into as I knew how. School of Journalism. Journalism. Yes, I knew how. School of Journalism. I can't even say the word. And but I got invited. But it was too expensive anyway. But on our way there, there were kids, you know, like probably, you know, teenage, 1920s hitchhiking.
And my mom picked up this kid and because we were already kind of on the campus, it's a huge campus. and he got in the backseat and my mom said, Oh, so what do you do? And he goes, I just I follow the dad. My mom looks at me like, Oh. Like he's a Yeah. Yeah. I love it. And I said, It's a band it's the Grateful Dead mother. Isn't that cute? Picked up a hitchhiker. Well, it was a kid who's kind of we're kind of like, in the campus. Like, it's a huge, huge campus. So we were kind of like.
Like on the main street guy going through door. She sounds kind of open minded and. Yeah, yeah. I'd be like, lock. The door. She was, but I mean, yeah, it was like, yeah, he was a, you know, a young college kid. We were driving to the grocery store with kids and my mom's Subaru and we're just turning the corner on down the street and it's like, it's Texas. The rain just started off and on, so I'll never get There's this poor woman.
She's got two grocery sacks and she's getting obliterated by the rain. Right. And just and we all see her and my mom bleeding heart. She's like she asked us, we're little kids. We're four and six maybe. And she's like, Is it okay if. I give that lady a. Ride and we're kids? We think this is like a stranger danger. And I. We now just imagine this monster getting in the car and freaking out. Oh, yeah. Oh. Oh, I can still see that woman. Oh, you're walking.
Well, you kids not to talk to strangers and then teach them to. Pick up a stranger. And help them. Yeah. You were. There was a no win situation. Yeah. What? Walk the. Okay, This is my mom. Not a crazy person in general. Mm hmm. One day I came home from school right after The Exorcist came. And I knew. And my mom was Catholic, and so The Exorcist seemed real. Mm hmm. Mm. Which is so silly. Mm hmm. Time. My mom was like, Oh. Wow. It's going. To. She invited saying.
Well, I had. Oh. You should find it in like, I was like, Oh, my God, you gave me all of a Christmas last. You're like, Oh. And so one day I'll be really funny. When I was in the third grade and I came to the front door to, like, come towards the door, like she was a zombie, would put her eyes like, rolled her eyes and. I was there. And I got super freaked out. I'm an only yeah, my mom. Shut up. And I, I grabbed a book off the shelf and, like, raised it up like I was going to throw it at her.
And she immediately goes, Did you just raise your hand to me? Yeah. Like I was like. You're acting. Like. I was just. Kidding. Oh, You can't mess with little kids. I know. They don't know. I went through a phase of being Kerry White to my mother, kind of just like. Like whatever. You're not going out because I was like 12 or 13 going out, drinking water. and I whatever she'd say, it's a sin. Mama, you're not going to drink. I know it's a sin, Mama. And she was like, Are you going to drink?
I out, Like Natalie Wood from Splendor in the Grass and Clean. That was torture. Oh, my God. It's so unfair. I watch it. I watched that with my mother. We both were crying. Oh, it's so unfair. Yeah, Unbelievable. Horrifyingly unfair. Oh, I know. She should be with him at the end. Oh, it's so terrible. And then. I feel bad for the. Italian lot. Yes. Oh, yeah. Always. She was beautiful. She understood what was going on. Oh, man. You. What was your first you talk about? I was in the Rolling Stones.
What was your first concert Was Elvis. Elvis was my. First classic. Roman. The first one I paid for with my own money was Huey Lewis. Oh, no. I'm telling you. Showmanship. Yeah, okay. Why not? Yeah, with a name like that. Have you seen Dwight Yoakam? But it's not sexy. You know what? I. I wound up going out with the news, the whole band, and. No, no, I'm kidding. Yeah, no kidding. I was just saying, like, what? Is there sexy about any of that?
And Garrett and I, we went to the Cruel The Cruel World concert, and I thought Gary Numan was amazing. And, you know, he played in cars, you know and and I said, Are we going to yell out Gary It's like an accountant's name. Gary Yeah, I do. I had Gary play least sexy. Oh, know Gary Numan, Gary Numan, my accountant. Gary Numan and Gary Numan. Yeah. Well, I'm saying. Rick Martin sure has a lot of stories about meeting Lucille Ball on.
Airplane. Oh, damn. He knows it's her when she she can see him elbowing her husband going, Gary Here is the worst name. Oh, yeah. No. Those interviews were so good. She didn't mince words. She was like Elizabeth Taylor. You know, sometimes I'm a little bit nasty about somebody, but very rarely. Oh. Yeah, I've just enjoyed it. And Lucille Ball was like that person was a dirty cousin. I ha I love it. So it's not like, oh, first big tour, went to Black with. Amazing. Laying open.
During country music when. She was wearing her. Cowgirl. Yeah. Have you ever. Incredible. Notes of, like, Katy Lane's first album? Oh, hell yeah. And it's like, thank you. Every country legend ever who helped her record country music. Yes, like Shadow Land or what is the fucking album? It was her. I know of years. It was her first record. Yes. Have you heard it? No. And I don't even know what she's doing. You mean she's. I thought she was always doing country ditches standards.
She did some stuff with Tony. Oh, right. A lot of like rockabilly stuff. Mm hmm. Album All about smoking weed dedicated. To the cigaret. And then she. Yeah. Did you do a Christian album now? Never. I know she said she was a lesbian first. When she first came out that she was interviewing somebody said, Do you think you sacrificed a lot or did you give up a lot of your country music audience when you came out as gay?
And she goes, No, no, no. Those people have listened to me since they found out I was a vegetarian. How? That's so funny. That's sodium smart. It's great. It's on their radio to see Dwight Yoakam at the Universal Amphitheater. Wow. That's up been. It's it's at Universal Studios. It's now was the Gibson. It was the Gibson the Universal. Oh, it's like a bunch of different It had a million names. Yeah. I support Sears Tower. Mm hmm. It's like Garrett said it last week.
He was like, I saw whatever, being a Coca-Cola star. Black. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Still Staples? Yeah. Yeah. It's Staples. Man. I think I fell in love with him in Sling Blade. I really did. Yeah. No, no, but no, no. Dwight Yeah. Yeah, It was Dwight Yoakam. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Oh, I was so well done. Yeah, But Vaughn actually said that he had seen him on that tour, and, like, basically turned to his partner, who I think was. Angelina, maybe.
Oh. Oh, that person needs to express themselves through art. Like that person. Wow. Like, let's face it, Porter Wagner. Yeah. Yeah. Not that she's not an authentic person, but what you choose to put forward is kind of a shtick after a while. Yeah. When she's having a bad day. Yeah. And even people who do that do that as a shtick. Terrific. And she was so good in 9 to 5. I mean, she's a good actress, too. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. In her life. Oh, yeah. I saw her Life is like her Christmas.
Oh, did we talk about this or. I was. I went in full drag and. And she. Loves. It. Oh, the whole town. Yeah, but there's also a weird. Not weird, but there's also a strong Christian element to it. Oh, right. Sure, Sure. But in Texas, you have this strange conundrum of Christian lesbians where they're like plaid and, like, silver crosses and stuff, but they're a little judgy against the gay men who trying to get it right. But. But. And saying, Oh, to this day. Oh, my God. And I'm sorry.
I got us off the track for the thousandth time. Will you tell me about the to the Dwight Yoakam tour? And it means. Oh, well, yeah. I mean, it was when he did the Streets of Bakersfield and. Oh, yes. It. It. And Buck Owens came onstage and when I was a kid, I thought Buck Owens was like, Jesus. Oh, yeah. The position in my. Family is amazing. That song, If You Fall out of love with me, don't let me know. Oh, Lyric. Incredible. look, I can play.
I mean, his guitar player, Don Rich, like I was one of those little kids that was, like, crazy over. Like, Larry McNeely. Who was Glen Campbell's? Oh, man. You know, your parents are. And how when you're like, I'm going to marry Larry. Uh. Well, they were the part of the Wrecking Crew. Right. Well, Glen Campbell was part of the OC. He got famous. He had his own band. Okay. You guys were amazing. Yeah. I mean, Buck Owens had a great band. The Buckaroos. Oh, Merle Haggard. Actually, this is funny.
Merle Haggard married Buck Owens ex-wife. Oh, Bonnie Owens. Oh. Shit. And she actually wrote some of Merle's early hits. Oh, wow. Hear her on the early sun singing harmony. Wow. Damn. I would love to know what was up with that. And they were still friends afterwards. Oh, really? I just feel like the world. So good. My friend's grandfather. I'm not sure if you're still with us, but we hope you're using the theme for our song. Who's getting Trolled? Oh, yeah.
Her husband's grandfather was the pedal steel guitar player for Bob Wills. Jeez, I. Found out he's like the James Brown of bluegrass music type band. Yeah, some band. It's almost like being in the military. Wow. And legend in. I think he was there when he got all of them back for the final recordings. I'm terminal.
Like, it was one of those things where I had known this person for a few years before I learned that I was like, The first thing out of your mouth would be, Hello, my name is Aaron and if I don't steal guitar by Robot. I got to meet J.D. J.D. Manase, who was sweethearts of the rodeo. Oh, and it's always funny when you meet somebody like that, because, of course, he has a lot of fans who don't know what he looks like. Oh, and maybe don't even know his name.
But you grew up listening that music and you love it, but you don't know until you know. And I got to help him like, Wow. Oh, my. Leave it at the helm of your garment. Huh? But I think also in the old days, when you listen to music and there wasn't a phone or anything else that maybe television is trying to do, but you would really just look at the album. Oh, and oh, yeah, maybe, you know, I do. Yeah. They had those huge catalogs. Mm hmm. And you can see, like, who produced what record?
Oh, wow. Going to the track and. Ha ha ha. You bet. The producer, like, oh, if he produced that record, then maybe this one or I used to have a theory that Emmylou Harris sang backup on a record or any harmony at all. It was amazing. Uh huh. Job in the best possible way. Oh, really? She wouldn't touch anything unless it was good. Uh huh. So I bought a lot of things based on that.
Or even if you look at like, you know, James Taylor, you know, those records, Linda Ronstadt with The Good Band, those guys are. All You both are so, like, smart and and insightful from such a young age. I feel like I kind of just skimmed over everything. Like when I was in school or whatever, like, well, yeah, I had friends, but I mean, like, I would I buy an album because I heard some guy like, did or, my hang was the arcade in the mall, the Red Baron Arcade.
And I would never go into depth about anything like find out who anybody would be like, Oh, well, he likes that, so I'm going to get it. And I remember this one time I went to Puerto Rico. My mom and I were sneaking around to meet my father there. Oh, really? Yeah. And trip to Puerto Rico? Yeah. Yeah. And there was this really cute guy that I met who was like the tourist, you know, photographer in one of those booths. And he took our picture, and I was.
We're kind of joking around with him, my mom and I, because he was really cute and his name was Keke Henry. And, um, I wound up seeing him afterward later that day, because my mom said, Oh, well, we're staying at those. I mean, my mom practically gave me away, you know, so she could be with my dad alone for a couple of seconds. And she was, Oh, yeah. And then I remember at one point he said, So do you like foreigner? And I said, Yeah, Do you like me? Oh, my. Like, what a fucking hick, asshole.
I was. He goes, What do you mean? Like, I'm the foreigner. I'm in fucking Puerto Rico. Yes. Do you like me? So. Oh, my God. Oh, my. And I think he laughed because he's. I was 16. He was probably like 21. I think he laughed it off, but. Oh, my God. He was so handsome. Did you guys. Gloss over something really fast as that you got into journalism school? Mm hmm. You couldn't go because it was too expensive. Yeah, They were going to let me into a different program.
Um, I kind of had the money for that. But it took two years at least to get into the program I wanted. And I didn't have the money to actually get it, you know, to wait. And you I didn't know you had a journalistic streak. Um, well, nothing really. I just wound up. I went to Fredonia State for a year that was. And then went to Emerson and transferred to Emerson. End of year journalism. Yeah, pretty much. And plus, my dad was a real asshole.
Like, at that very trip in Puerto Rico we were talking is what would you like to do? And I didn't want to say anything about like that. I wanted to be a performer or anything because I knew he'd shoot it down. So I thought it sounded smart to say, I think I'd like to be a broadcast journalist. And he said, Do you know how smart and attractive you have to be to do that. For a fucking act? And then I said, Well, look what I had to work with, you know, because he's so ugly.
And I ran out of the room and he goes, Yeah, I ran with no God, that was even I think that was a little bit before that. Yeah, I just ran into the bathroom. My mom ran after me to say, I don't know why he said that. He I think he doesn't realize how awful he sounds. And and my mom said like that he didn't speak to him after that. My disease is I'm like, super smart and beautiful. Oh, it would have been okay to see if it was true.
Yeah. Yeah. you know, and it could be, you know, we didn't really know but people being bipolar and stuff and, you know, he's not the best guy if he's cheating on his wife and kids with my mother. So the organization of making a full on trip to Puerto Rico, which I'm sure you're like, we're going to a different country. It's like you're like,
you know what I mean? Yeah. Oh, I even had to think, well, you know, he said, okay, ask me something specifically, because I would always ask about my brothers, half brothers and sisters. They didn't want me to know anything. And he said, Ask me something about me specifically. And I said, What do you tell your wife when you go to see my mother? And that was the end of our relationship. Again, I have like, I really have a way of sticking my foot in it.
I'm doing it it I'm doing it at my job now, to. Know. That that you're a parent and you're not ready to answer some of those questions. It's your fault. Yeah. Mm hmm. Your kid is going to snap at you with the thing you're most pained about. Gosh, yeah. I always thought that writers who had kids, like, at a certain point, your kids going to be like, I'm not. What are your characters, Dad? Oh, yeah, Yeah. Just like I'm not one of your patients. Yeah, exactly. So it's totally natural to say that.
And, you know, your kid is going to basically say, I hate you. Yeah. You have to be, like. Depressed. You're a stand up comedian and a writer. Was that something you've done before or after you had kids? Oh, after for sure. So how did that come up? I think I fall into comedy. I do. Yeah, I am. You know, obviously, over your life, like I did, like writing, I got my degree in journalism from Chico, who not too. Well. Fantastic. I didn't know that. I didn't know that. Okay. Oh, nice. Mm hmm.
so I wanted to be a writer of some sort, but then, you know, life happens to you and you get different jobs or whatever. So I kind of think about that much. And sometimes it's always hard to know. And you married an asshole. She's too nice to say. Her husband was a terrible, terrible, abusive dick. Yeah. All right. So we. Yeah. You know, you know, a man's fist gets in the way and then you, you know, and get out of the hospital.
And then when that was over. Mm. I found myself with a lot of relaxing free time. My life got very pleasant. Good. Pleasant is sometimes boring. Mm hmm. And so I was looking for something that would be exciting and fun. And I got one of those emails because I followed bad. Oh, okay. Mm hmm. Online. Because I'd been to see a couple shows and loved it. And so I got one of those things from Beth. It was like, you know, do you have a creative voice that you would like to explore through this class?
She did this writing class, and I don't know. That may be fun. I kind of sweat through it. And then I got another mean, some friends sent me like an inspirational meme that said, What would you do if you knew you couldn't fail? I was easy standup comedy, and then I was just at my desk job, like typing away. And I went. Wait a minute. Yeah, if you would do it and you could do it, why aren't you trying? So I went to Beth's class. It was the first day of the class was on my birthday. Oh, ago.
And you were June 1st. Okay. It was a monday, so I was like, Oh, my God, I'm on my birthday. So I asked my friend if she would go with me. And she did. And I it it was funny because you had to do 5 minutes of original material. Wow. Then she did, like, you know, 10 minutes of critique. Mm hmm. And not since, but that night I killed. Of course. That's the. First one. The first one? I mean. There's a high up that I was like, I'm going to do this for the rest. I think you are a natural, though.
I think you really are a natural. Because I've seen you on stage and you're just. You're so comfortable and smart and funny and it's just. Yeah. Yeah. Super fun. And I loved it. And then I over the course of that class and the next one, because I signed up again, because good enough, it we became friends. Mm hmm. And then I started helping out and then. Right. And a couple of times, like, somebody wouldn't come. And so I got to take their spot.
And then I started doing that kind of the the end spot would clean up spot or whatever. But I would do that spot. I loved it because I got to reference back and harken back to what other people had said. And I also got to hang out with people like you guys, which that's the whole reason to do it in the first place. Shows like Around town and stuff, because I'm of that community cause I don't want to hang. I'm so anxiety, I just have to do it.
And I think a lot of people don't have to do Yeah, yeah. Or I'm just nervous actually. But that show in particular on camera is like, I do like to hang out and like fraternize and watch and like, support something about it. It's such a positive atmosphere too. I think it is really, you know, with and Beth really, she's an incredible host. You know, she kind of, you know, brings it in. But but closing that closing that show after doing stand up for such a short time is pretty amazing.
And you've you've closed every show since since it went to El CID, right? Yeah. So for it, I was on the group. Yeah. That's amazing. I love it because, you know, everybody's so fun and I think I might be lazy sometimes about writing. Mm hmm. I think standup in some ways is a perfect thing because you have the fire under your butt. Like, if you have to do 15 minutes, you actually have to write something. Oh, yeah, right. and if you don't, it gets really exciting. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I, I found something that feels really dangerous. It's not the worst thing that could happen is that I bombed, and I certainly have. And then I go home and rewrite my stuff or it goes great and it feels amazing. And then you get whatever endorphins you were looking for in the first place. Mm hmm. So it's been awesome. And, you know, my kids are super supportive of it. And I like the people I met. It's really great.
And of course, a couple of times, you know, see weird stuff happens, but that's just getting out there and living in the world. So, yeah, I'm very grateful. What was what was a really goofy thing to have a weird thing like you have been heckled at the UN camp, Have you? No, no, no. Then cab for a while, like before COVID especially, I was going around town doing like, you know, all kinds of any place I could get on a show. Mm hmm.
And a couple of times, like at maybe out of town games or whatever, was like traditional comedy. Mm hmm. They're like, Hey, remember? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Super skilled with that. But I did a show at Pappy, and Harriet's near Josh's. Oh. Oh, I didn't know about that. And I want so badly, it still gives me hives. Just think about it was on stage. It was hot. It was in November. Inside the heaters on. Mm hmm. And I started sweating because it wasn't going great. Mm hmm.
And, you know, my uncle jokes in my work up there where people were wearing, like, matching hunting outfits. Oh, shit. In the front. Row, you know, no offense to them in the crowd, it was me bringing that material to Pioneertown. Mm hmm. And so I sort of sweat, and it wasn't going great. And so when I left the stage, I just went out the side door off the side of the stage, which goes directly outside. Mm hmm. Know if you've been to parking here. It's this big roadhouse.
It's big, wide expanse. Mm hmm. So I had to walk all the way around. It was like, 12 degrees. Oh, shit. I was freezing. And also. Oh, and I. Went inside the front, and I went into the bathroom, and this little older lady was there, and she goes, Okay. Oh, uh. Oh, no. Oh, yeah, I think I'm okay. And she goes, Well, I really liked your nesting bulls, Joe. The where can we see you next? Work in there. Our fans. See you next.
Performing at the Leonard Nimoy Theater with Cabaret Show on December 16th. Fantastic tickets to the UCLA website because it's part of their series. And so I feel like a real girl. Oh, that's amazing. That's really cool. That's awesome. It's going to be fun. I think so. And Beth Peters always puts together a fun group of people. That's how I met you all. And I'm so grateful for her. She is definitely. She's awesome. Yeah, well, she was great on our show, too. Oh, yeah.
I'm so glad I get to see Jamie. Okay, so. And your new love is waiting for you, so we're going to have to say goodbye. Yeah, I forgot about that. Okay. Okay. Thanks, Jamie. My