Spilling The Pregnancy Beans: When To Tell

your coffee order every day. You're that excited. I get it. But there are questions you might be asking yourself to even before the p on the home pregnancy test has dried, like should you tell everyone right away or hold off for a month or two or three? Should you tell selectively at first? And if you do, how can you be sure those you tell don't tell everyone else? How

should you break it to your boss? And when? And even is there a fun way to announce the big it's still very little news that you haven't even thought of. Today is all about spilling the pregnancy beans. And we're here to talk about the who, what, when? Where and how of sharing your very special baby bulletin. I'm here with Emma. Hey, Emma, hey, mom. So Emma, I'm going back seven years uh at least seven right half? Yeah,

oh that's right eight years ago. So yes, so was I. And we were in the parking lot at Whole Foods and I was trying to find a spot and it's hard enough to find a spotted Whole Foods. But the your your cell phone rang and you answer and you're like crying and screaming, like out of control, and I practically went like into another car. So that was the moment you found out you were pregnant with with Lennox.

But you know, okay, but truth be told, I had IVF with Lennox, so that was a long road and I had that was like a two week wait after you get I don't remember what it was when they when they put the embryo inside of you. So I was on like high alert for a few weeks. And then I went and I had the blood test. So then you have to wait another like six five six hours. So when I found out, I was like, okay, oh

my god, I was I flipped out. I freaked out, and you know what, there could not have been a better person with me than you, because I was so happy. And I know normally people would say, oh, I wish my husband was with me, but not the most case. But yeah, so I'm really glad that it was you.

It was such a special moment, especially because you know, you wrote what to expect and it's come and you delivered the proposal while you were in labor with me, and then you found out I was pregnant and it was just I don't know, but it was a really exciting moment and I couldn't have been with a better person. And I don't even remember if we went a Whole Foods after that. We didn't, probably we did it. I

was like freaking out. I wanted to get home and tell dad, and I thought I also guessed the baby daddy too, but I was really excited to tell daddy. No, I don't, daddy, And when was weren't your being spilled in on the jumbo tronic Times Square it was announced I was pregnant and that was such an incredible moment. It was on all the news tickers like CNN, MSNBC, Fox News, all of them, and it was in magazines and that was a lot of responsibility. You know, that

was a lot of pressure. You Yeah, that's true. It was a little more public than my first time. My pregnancy with you was such an oops and it was so unexpected. I think we were in such a state of shock that I don't even remember how we told anyone. But the one place that I couldn't share was with the health insurance company because back then pregnancy was a

pre existing condition. I we had just gotten married. Eric had health insurance, but I didn't, and so we had to completely fudge the dates so that I would be able to get on his plan, because otherwise I wouldn't have been able to get any coverage. So you gotta do what you gotta do. Yes, back in those days, you did. You definitely did, so, you see. I mean now everybody's making their announcements big time. I love seeing

these announcements on Instagram. Like my favorite is when somebody posts like a dog or a cat or a couple of dogs reading what to expect when you're expecting because they're gonna be big siblings. Or sometimes they're reading what to expect when mommy is having a baby. My change the cover. It's amazing. Yeah, no, it's it's it's super cute. Do you have favorite Instagram announcements that you've seen, Well, yeah, I go down like the rabbit hole on Snapchat and

um bunny the bunny hole. Um. I love gender reveals, like I can sit there and watch gender reveals all day, and I love the announcements. I think it's so exciting. I love you know, you know me. I love a good dog announcement. I love when dogs get married on Instagram. Anything that has to do with animals, I'm in. But how did you make your announcement when you were expecting Sevy on Sevy? You mean it wasn't introduced on Times Square, Poor Sevy because it was it was a Chile problems.

You know. I didn't say this, but when I found out I was pregnant with Sebby, I didn't think I could get pregnant because I had i V the first time, and so when I took my friend made me take a test and I was like, oh, it's gonna be negative. So I threw it to the side, and then I

go back a little while later and said pregnant. So then I freaked out and I was excited to tell my husband my well at the time, I my fiance, and so it was interesting because the first time I was with you, from the second time, I wanted to tell me the daddy and then I called you crying, of course, I mean, how did you announce it? On

what to expect? We did a picture, um where it said what to expect when Emma's expecting again, and Lennox was reading the book and um, I was with my my husband or my fiance at the time, and we were in your bed. Awkward for everyone. For everyone. The good news is the baby was not conceived in your bed. But um, yeah, I can breathe again. Yeah. No, it was Vegas and that was really cute. It was a really cute idea. I was in my second trimester when

we announced it. So let's take a quick break, and when we come back, I'm answering the biggest questions you have about spilling the pregnancy beans. Okay, mom, let's talk about spilling the pregnancy beans. We always here wait until twelve weeks to tell anyone. What's the real rule here? You know me? I mean the first rule is as usual, there are no rules. There are only rules that you and your partner decide on together, and hopefully you'll be on the same page with that decision in or maybe

you can negotiate a similar page. But there are a lot of things that you can think about in making that decision, and the first one is did everyone and their mothers know that you were trying to conceive? And are they going to be asking every two seconds if you've succeeded, and especially if they know about when your period usually comes because you've been keeping them that updated like clockwork every month, well then you might want to share.

But how you're feeling matters too, and not just how you're feeling about the pregnancy, but how the pregnancy is making you feel. So if you're constantly excusing yourself from meetings to pee or to puke, or you're turning all shades of green when your mom puts your usually favorite chicken dish on the table, or your friend orders the sauteid salmon, or your coworker dishes out chili in the break room, well let's just say you might have trouble

not spilling the beans. If you're always spilling your breakfast and your lunch and your dinner something else. Are you a social drinker. Will everyone notice when you order your jack and ginger without the jack or pass on the wine, that you're always ready to have passed your way? Well, something seems fishy to your friends when they suggest poke

a and you look panicked. Well they wonder why you ordered your burger well done instead of your usual rare, and why you asked if the blue cheese on the side salad was pasteurized? And how good are you at keeping a secret? How good is your partner? How good are you at white lies? If someone catches on? And

then what if you're early to the show. What if everyone seems, at least to you to be staring at your swelling belly, even if it's more bloat than bump, Or noticing that you're suddenly favoring flowing dresses instead of skinny jeans and crop top, or that your newly supersized breast can no longer be contained by the buttons on your uniform. Well, they think you've been hitting the carbs a little harder than usual, or just know that you're pregnant.

And finally, the most serious consideration of all, the one that keeps so many expecting couples from sharing the news right away. What happens if the pregnancy doesn't stick? What if you lose the pregnancy after you've already told everyone.

Some parents worry about jinxing themselves and their baby being, especially if they've had a loss before, and some want to be sure they see a strong heartbeat on the ultrasound before telling, or even until they hear it, or until they get the first trimester screen results back, or even after any diagnostic testing is done. Many just want to pass safely into the second trimester with maybe a few extra weeks a good measure, And there's no right

or wrong answer here, just what feels right for you. Yeah, I actually I think with Seby, I waited until after we did some like is a genetic testing, Yeah, and then when the doctor said he's good to go, then I felt safe to or ready to spill mob beings. Okay, So what's the right time to announce it? Work? Who are you supposed to tell? And what does it mean

for your rights as an employee? So? Okay? Again, no rules, I mean there might be some policies and regulations that you have to look into, depending on where you work and where you live, and that might take some digging in first, But in general, timing can be pretty tricky, and there's no universally perfect time to blurn out the happy news, especially if you have a hunch that your boss might not be quite as happy about the news

as your family was. Right, how family only or unfriendly your workplaces is definitely going to factor in, So for instance, you might be less strussed to share if management has, you know, a recent record of supporting pregnant workers and new parents, and how you're feeling again is going to

influence your timing. So if you're too tired to lift your head off the desk and you're spending more time hovering over the toilet than at your workspace, or you're skipping out on meetings because of doctor's appointments, you might want to let the kitten out of the bag sooner, especially if gossip is one of your company's chief products and you're worried that your boss will hear it at the water cooler instead of from you or on social media.

If you share your your news on social media, those at your workplace might spy the announcement before you make it public on the job, and that would not be a good thing. You definitely want to tell if your job isn't or won't be pregnancy safe, like you work with hazardous chemicals or with radiation, or you do seriously heavy lifting, you'll need to request the transfer or change of duties as soon as you can, so of course

you've got to tell early. On the other hand, you might want to hold off on sharing if you have a performance or a salary review coming up, because it's inherently unfair. But the reality is it's hard to prove that you've been passed up for promotion or raised just because you're pregnant, even though technically technically that's the law.

Before you belly up to your boss's desk to spill the pregnancy beans, know exactly what your rights are, or at least what your rights are supposed to be, And I am going to preach here pregnant women and parents in general in the US have fewer rights than anywhere else in the world. And that's before we even get

to maternity or family leave, at least paid leave. So check with HR or in your employee handbook for specifics at your workplace so you know exactly where you stand, and also as coworkers who you can trust to share their experiences. You don't have to tell them that you're pregnant,

just that you're thinking ahead. And you know, who knows, maybe you'll end up organizing at work with the rest of the parents to lobby for better parental perks and at the least you may be able to get some insider info, tips, tricks, and and find out what pitfalls to avoid. And it's something that we women do way way too much. But try not to start off your announcement with an apology. You do not have to apologize

for being pregnant. You have every right to be pregnant. Instead, approach that desk with a plan in hand, a smile plastered on your face, and using confidence that you will be completely up to mixing business with both pregnancy and parenting. And I know, I'm just like me. You didn't have to make that big announcement because we both work at home.

I know I didn't, but like now, after hearing this, I was, I'm like so prepared to So I need to go get a job where I can make that announcement get pregnant because I'm ready now, I feel confident, I feel ready to go tell my boss thanks, Mom, Are you ready to get pregnant, or just tell your boss that you're pregnant. I'm ready to do it all because you're right. You don't have to apologize for being pregnant, and you have every right to be pregnant. I love that. Yep, yeah,

there you go. Okay, so, mom, but what's your advice for telling your first child that they're getting a sibling. I wanted to tell Lennox the day I found out I was pregnant you and though you wasn't recommended necessarily, um, but I I got after my second trimester and I got the okay from the doctor. I got a giant box and put a pink balloon and a blue balloon, put it in there, and I said, okay, Lenox, here's a big present for you. Open it up and two

balloons came out. And I think he was expecting in a real present because he was what five, So I think he was excited but also semi disappointed that like a giant actual lego didn't come out. Boons. But I think you're gonna have a baby brother or sister. He's like he was happy, but again, I think I kind of blew it with the the idea that he was yet yeah, well, learned from my missive and learn next time. But you know, this is another case where there just

really aren't any rules. I am going to say, when you consider timing, you have to consider that for a young, older sibling, especially, and Lennox was already five. But you know, nine months is still an eternity. I mean, it's an eternity for us. It's hard for us to wait that long, but imagine how long it is when you're two and

nine months is practically half your lifetime. Seriously, yeah, no, really, And and even for little who are a little older like Lennox was, you might feel more comfortable like you did Emma, waiting until you're sure everything is well with the pregnancy, or you might be so excited that you just can't wait to share the news. And a lot of parents these days make their little ones part of the pregnancy announcement, especially on social media, and it's so

super cute. Just remember that a one or two year old doesn't have the slightest clue what having a baby means or what being a big brother or sister is all about, even in the most abstract way, and they certainly don't get why everyone is saying there's a baby in mommy's belly. I mean, that's kind of a lot to swallow. And by the way, did mommy swallow the baby? Is that how she got how the baby got in

her belly? So yeah, even if you share the news, and again there are no rules about the news, keep your expectations in check because a toddler or even a preschooler is not really going to be able to process the baby news. And he's going to know that something's going on and something exciting and all those balloons and everything, but he's probably not to understand in a meaningful way what the celebration is all about or the photo ops.

So of course you will. You'll know what they're about, and you'll love sharing the precious results and I'll love seeing them. And one of my I love this one. Recently, I saw a one year old in a chef's hat falling a recipe for baking a baby bunt it. I thought that was just so cute as I made what to expect post it. That's amazing. Yeah, make your day and make my day and tag me at Heidi Murkoff please, she lives for this, I do, I do, you know,

Just keep in mind. Also, the toddlers and preschoolers have really fleeting attention spans and they can overload pretty fast on the baby stuff. So as you, as you progress very very slowly through pregnancy, definitely mentioned the baby here and there, and encourage the older sibling to kiss the baby belly and talked to the baby and sing to the baby, and start reading books about babies and about becoming a big brother or sister. You can buy a

baby doll to practice on. Just don't go all baby all the time unless that's what your older child seems to want. Like Emma, you totally wanted to hear about the baby all the time, but maybe Lennox not so much, because otherwise they're going to reach baby saturation point long before the little bundle arrives. Yeah. I think I have a tendency also just to go like overboard on things, and I think, um, yeah, I think. And so I think Lennox probably was like over the first day. But

you know, he was a good sport. I I think I I bought a doll um and I made in practice. But he's he's an amazing big brother. I think that he was at the perfect age because he understood as much as he possibly could, and he was really helpful during my pregnancy, so I got lucky. Okay, So should people post pictures of their ultra sounds? Are their privacy concerns? I definitely don't have any privacy in my life and I'm okay with that. However, I have never posted an

ultrasound photo while I was pregnant, only after. But that's just me. Oh see, I find that surprising. Yeah. No, I felt like I wanted to keep one part of this secret, like I would talk about my discharge, but I wanted to keep my my baby a secret. Yeah, So there are no rules here. This is is just for the two of you to decide. And you're the ones who made the little sprout that you're contemplating sharing on social and it's your comfort level that matters, not

anyone else's. And maybe you'll be comfortable sharing if your accounts are private, and my ears is so not private, and maybe you'll be fine with the entire world having access to your blurry baby being unfiltered, and that's okay too. Don't feel pressured to post, and don't feel pressured not to post. Just make sure you're on the same page. If you're choosing to be an open book when you're expecting with your partner. Don't post without your partner's consent.

Please don't do that, And make sure you block your name and the doctor's name and the facility's name from the ultrasound image if you don't want them disclosed to the public. And you know, speaking of consent, some do worry about getting the baby's consent, and of course that's really it's difficult to obtain because there's no app for

that in utero, no docu sign for fetuses. But it's a completely valid point, and it's why some parents choose not to post photos of their little ones even after they were born, and especially not in their birthday suits, because if you think about it, pregnancies nine months babies grow up in a heartbeat, but the Internet is forever. Well yeah, okay, on that, you know what I mean. I have posted naked pictures of both my children on

I blur out the business. But um and also now you know you say that, but it's interesting because now I need to get consent from my my seven year old. He's like, no pictures, don't take my picture. I have the same problem with Lennox yeah. And then you know, one thing that I hear a lot about, especially on on social media, is that a lot of times parents don't agree on what's okay to post and what's not

okay to post. And it's hard because one of them wants to post, Oh I'm pregnant, and the others like not yet. So I mean, it's it's it's a little touchy. Yeah, that's why you gotta you gotta make that decision together. I know, I know you're doing the heavy lifting and the delivery and all that stuff, but he gets the sadness. He does. What are the benefits of finding out the sex of your baby? And should you tell anyone when

you find out? I mean, of course I did. Look, I did every single thing I possibly could to like find out what it was like. The second day, I did the ring test, I did the baking soda, urine test, everything, and they were all wrong. The Chinese counter wrong, the ring test wrong, the baking soda wrong. I was on Share. I was gonna have a girl. But also, you did the your symptoms were different, weren't they? Yeah? They were. I was I was wanting sweets. I was like, oh,

I'm having a girl. No, No, it's funny, Mother Nature. It's funny. But we did the big reveal on what to expect live with Lennox and that was fun. We have to probably bribe Lennox to to do it, but yeah, yeah, I probably did. I bribe Lennox for everything. Not my best parenting advice. Yeah, but you know, here's the thing, and you know this is coming. There are no rules there.

I mean, there's a case for both sides, and really only you and your partner can decide which side that you're on, whether it's team pink or blue or or team question mark. So what are the benefits of finding

out the gender? Well, clearly there's the retail angle, and you can buy out the girl's department or you can buy out the boys department, though of course it's true the boys can wear pink and girls can wear blue, and browns or grays might be more your style, do m anyway, And let's face it, no baby looks good and yellow and white ends up staining yellow with spit up anyway, So so so much for white. And finally, practically speaking, newborn wardrobes are less about the style and

more about the washability, comfort and easy access. To the poop desk, and you can just ask any second time parent about that. Yep. As for nursery decord, it's not like bunnies or giraffes or monkeys or genter specific I mean, don't tell bunnies or drafts or monkeys that I said that. But still, but if you are super committed to princess themes for your baby girl, no matter what, you're probably gonna want to make sure you're having a baby girl

before you commit to the princess theme. And guess what, your baby is actually going to be rooming with you for the first six months at least, maybe up to a year, because that's what's recommended for safety's sake anyway. So it's not like there's a really a major rush to get the nursery all dolled up or fire engined up. Now of course, yeah, knowing Sabby loves a good fire and Jesse does. But you thought you were having a girl,

so you have the princess all plan. Okay, okay, you know the other The other thing that knowing the gender makes easier is picking the name right. So some names work for both genders, and you might already have a list from column boy and Calumn Girl. But the bonuses you get to say he or she when you're referring to the baby instead of it all the time, which isn't exactly cozy. And of course it's hard to do

a gender reveal without knowing the gender. Some would call that a definite plus one less thing to plan or produce because gender reveals these days have become serious production numbers. And I actually love like you do, m I love watching them on on Instagram. You know, Oh my gosh, are my favorite thing on earth to watch. I can watch them for hours, hours hours. They're reaction from family members and then sometimes people are disappointed. I live for

gender reveals. Sorry, and the toddler you know who was wanting a baby sister starts crying with it's a baby brother. Yes. So when it came to Eric and me, we decided to be on team Green both times and go for the baby surprise like we were going to find out when the business end popped out, And of course we

guess wrong both times. What are the odds? But I still think for me, there are so few true surprises in life, which is why I'm always a little extra excited when a mom tells me, we're waiting to find out, or she tells me it's her and her hobbies, a little secret, the one that they're not sharing with anyone, not even me. I feel like surprises are are coming back somewhat a little bit, but of course that's just

based they are unscientific study. They stressed me out though, because once gonna post their pregnant on Instagram, literally like, I'm like stalking them until they tell the gender, and then they like are like, I'm gonna be surprised. I was like, what about me? I want to know what it is, But I mean, I guess it's not about me. It's about that good point. Okay, a good point. And up next it's helped me, Heidi, And now it's time for help me, Heidi. We're all answer you're pressing pregnancy

and parenting questions. No hold barred, no filter allowed, t am I, no such thing. We're all moms here or dad's and chances are if you have this question, other parents have it too. You're not alone. Motherhood is the ultimate sisterhood, and we're here to help a sister out. So Emma, who needs some help today? Okay, So this comes from a listener says, help. I was so excited to tell my family the name we picked out for our baby, and they hate it. I love the name,

and so does my husband. So now what do we do? Will they get used to it once they meet the baby, or do I have to change it? What do I do? God? People, filters, filters, people. Here we go again with one of my pet people, peeves. I am not sure why I've got my theories. There is something about a belly or a baby that brings

out the busy body in everybody. For some reason, even people who are usually pretty disciplined about minding their own business suddenly can't manage to They feel free to weigh in on waking and food choices and birth choices, and of course, baby names. Those are always up for debate, except, of course they aren't, and they shouldn't be. Of all the many personal choices that a pair of parents make,

choosing baby's name is probably the most personal. It's not something other people, even people you're close to, people you love, get to vote on unless you've specifically asked them to vote. And I've been asked to vote plenty of times, but

operative word asked. And this is even more personal for me and for Eric, because after we shared Emma's middle name with our family, my own mother wrote a page long letter to me telling me all the reasons why we had picked the wrong name and how disappointed she

was that we'd picked it. There was more than a little subtle pressure to change it, and Eric and I were so thrown by this, plus I was so hormonal and reading its sobbing in my hospital bed, that we actually ended up adding another name to the birth certificate, one we didn't even like, to make her happy and to avoid more family drama. To ist credit, Eric resisted. I felt like I didn't have a choice. I felt backed into a corner, and I just I didn't have it in me to push back after all the pushing

I had just done. But it was how our choice all along, and in retrospect, I wish someone had told me that, besides Eric, so that I could have felt better about sticking to the original name game plan, so I wouldn't have caved. And we never actually used the name,

but it was there on her birth certificate. You know, some people say the baby's name themselves, and plenty of parents I talked to wait until they hold their baby to name their baby, and I know parents who have stayed undecided for days, in one case, three weeks okay, that was my sister, just to be sure they picked the one that fit their baby. Bundle to a tiny tea.

Some parents settle on a name and then last minute changed their minds, maybe because something more meaningful came along, or they suddenly realized that their baby's initials spelled out something unfortun in it, or found that the first and middle and last names didn't sound as good once they were strung together out loud. Now, in our family, Eric has always been in charge of naming babies and eventually dogs.

We actually named Whyatts. Site still unseen and gender still unknown, but only after Eric backed out of the name he had previously been stuck on and I had previously agreed to. And this happened at thirty eight weeks. That name was Winston, and looking back, Wyatt is so not a Winston, but of course that's probably just perception, because he's been Wyatt since he was born, and we would have loved him

just as much if he had been a Winston. Of Course, admittedly, Winston probably wouldn't have been as much fun to play with, like when why it was a baby, we wouldn't have been able to call him Wyatt or say why it be quiet or why you're a riot. Still, the truth is everyone who loves your baby will end up loving your baby's name no matter what it is. And if they don't, well, I'm not gonna say what I'm thinking. They will still love your baby. A baby by any

other name still definitely smells as sweet. You know. I actually brought this topic up recently with my Facebook bombs, and I was surprised, though I probably shouldn't have been, to hear so many stories just like this one, and like my story, really too many to count unthinkable but unabashed name bashing, a mother in law who left the table in tears when she heard her future grandson's name, an aunt who volunteered, oh, let me know if you decide to change that, and a grandmother who said you

can't name your baby that period and left it at that. And for the record, this isn't my choice to make either. But here goes opinions from the Peanut Gallery about your peanuts name maybe her full, but they ultimately shouldn't matter. You made this baby, You've carried this baby. You'll be nurturing this baby and raising this baby. You and your

husband get to name her. And what's more, the only person who gets to change the name that you've selected besides the two of you is her when she's eighteen. But of course she won't change it because she's gonna love it too. I mean, honestly, I hated my name for a long time. I wanted to be named Michelle from Michelle Tanner on a full House. But I mean, I guess that's another story that isn't remember when I told you I want to change my name to Michelle.

Thankfully I hadn't because I'm I'm happy to be Emma now. So when you say she'll love it too, it's gonna go yes. But the guy knows you weren't eighteen when you settled on that. I mean not, I know, I was like ten. I love the name Michelle, right, Michelle Obama, But I do too. But I am just glad I did it change it because I like Emma too, but

I didn't when I was seven or ten. Whatever. So you guys out there, whenever and however you decide to spill your pregnancy beings, whether you want to tell the world or just tell your mom, or not tell anyone at all. You do you, This is your choice, this is your baby, this is your business. You make that decision. There's no right or wrong way to do it. Whatever makes you feel comfortable, whatever makes you feel happy, and you know what. And some people don't even tell until

they're in the hospital and give and give birth. Some celebrities do that and like, you are my hero, How did you do that? How did you pull that off? But you know what? Whatever works for you? Who babylf my baby belof I need you, Oh how I need you. Thanks for listening. Remember I'm always here for you. What to Expect is always here for you. We're all in this together. For more on what you heard on today's episode,

visit what to Expect dot com slash podcast. You can also check out What to Expect when You're Expecting, What to Expect the First Year, and the What to Expect app And we want to hear from you. Connect with us on our community message board or on our social media. You can find me at Heidi Murkoff and Emma at Emma Being w t E and of course at What

to Expect. Baby Love is performed by Riley Biterer. What to Expect is a production of I Heart Radio from more shows from I heart Radio check out the I heart Radio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows. In my Arms, what on? Just stay Nija Nieda, Baby, Baby Loam,