Mom Guilt

we do for our little ones, it's never quite enough. No, today's moms didn't invent mom guilt, but we have gotten really, really good at it. We feel guilty about everything we do and everything we don't do. Today, Emma and I, both Guilty of Mom Guild, are taking on this beast of an emotion to figure out what's normal, what's not, and what we can do about it, with the help of our best resource of all, So What to Expect Community, Sarah, What to Expect Community Director is joining us again with

questions and insights from our amazing moms. Hey, Sarah, Hey Heidi, Hi Emma, Hi love h So excited to be here again, especially with this topic of mom guilt, which we see impacting moms in so many different ways. We posted a call out on our Instagram and in our community to see what's affecting moms today. So we found out a lot. Yeah that we probably mostly knew. But one thing is that mom Guild actually starts before you officially become a mom.

For a lot of women were over thinkers, over analyzers, micro managers from way back. And so we come up with a birth plan and when things don't go according to plan, and by the way, we do have to rename the birth plan because unless you're writing in a pencil, it's so not going to go down that way. Anyway. We can't control the birth of our baby. But sometimes moms feel guilty about the kind of birth that they end up having. I mean, Sarah, you you've probably heard

a lot about that in the community. Yeah, definitely. I mean, I think there's so many times where you think, like you said, you have a birth plan, you're going to have a natural labor, or you end up having an epidural or even a C section. Yeah, and this isn't new. I have to say these sections were considered by mom's. I would get these pained letters saying I had a

C section, I failed myself, I failed my baby. I failed my partner, as if birth were a test said you could pass or fail, which of course it is not. You know, a successful birth is one where the mom and baby are both healthy, you know. Honestly, for me, like when I was in labor of Sebastian, like five weeks early, I was guilty that I failed him by my body failed him by having him come too soon, and I was like, I ruined his pregnancy experience. He doesn't get to stay inside me and stay safe and

warm in there. I felt guilty literally in that hospital bed, which I had zero control over, and I felt that guilt like it was my fault and your water brook, so he had no toy, my water brook. There was nothing I could do. My body was doing it for me, and that was hard. So another thing that we heard a lot about just in this never ending wave of mom guilt was around feeding. That was something that a lot of moms said they're having guilt around, whether it's

like breastfeeding or all that. And Emma, I know I've heard you talk about that a little bit before. Yeah, So for me, I wasn't able to produce milk, so I felt like I was failing as a mom in like the eyes of society. At least, my whole goal was to breastfeed. I didn't buy bottles, you know, I didn't buy a pump. I wasn't prepared for like what my body was going to throw at me. I felt so much guilt for both kids. On my second one, I felt guilt not only for my son, but also

I felt like I was failing my husband. So it was just a lot and the worst part I'll never forget. With Lennox, I took him to one Mommy and Me class and I quit that day because everyone pulled out their breast and I pulled out a bottle of formula, you know, and I felt like, oh, they're totally judging me. I'm there's something wrong. Yeah. I think that's so common with the mom groups because I felt the same way, like I could breastfeed with one baby and not the other.

And then they would have like special sessions where lactation consultants would come in and help all the breastfeeding moms, and I would just like, I want to go cry in the corner. Yeah, exactly. And of course, as we always say on what to expect, there's no shame in the feeding game. So that's something we always have to remember. I just had mom said to me on Facebook that she hated breastfeeding both times and she's now pregnant again with her third and she's feeling guilty that she doesn't

want to do it again. I had another mom who just told me yesterday that she was racked with guilt over the struggles she was having with breastfeeding. Listened to our breastfeeding podcast, which you guys can all go back and listen to, and felt so much better. And I feel like this is one area where guilt is pervasive, but it shouldn't be. Yeah, and then of course there are moms who who hate pumping and they want to quit pumping. They feel guilty. Emma, we had to do

an intervention with you to get you. Just lost my nipple from mastitis. I had some mistitis so many times, but in that case, I was just on a mission to make milk, regardless of the consequences. So another major theme for our moms are difficulty around childcare and the time spent away for your little one. So many moms

said going back to work working too much. It starts with like the base of feeling guilty about work in general, and then just every day there's something tied to that that you know, makes moms feel like they're not doing enough exactly by the way. You can feel this way working from home, and a lot of moms have been working at home. In fact, I kind of think that it's it's in so many ways harder because you can't

separate your two jobs. It's so hard. And then there's also you know, guilt around sending kids to daycare or whatever childcare that you go with. I think every decision is is really tough along the way you question am I doing the right thing? Yeah, when I'm working at home, I'm in computer and Lennox like, hey, can we draw? And I'm like, oh god, I have to do this right now. So I feel guilty like I can't give

him that attention because he knows I'm here. So yeah, it's almost harder when you're at home because it's like double guilt, you know, and it's hard. It's hard to come part mentalized. And with daycare, you know, if you find good quality daycare, there are a lot of pluses there. Kids get a lot of social interaction that they otherwise wouldn't. They also beef up their man system. But they are very, very resilient, and we have to remember that. Yeah, I think, Emma,

what you said about that double guilt. Like you said, Heidi, so many moms are working from home now, and it's just like another level when your child is right there looking at you, like, Mom, why aren't you paying attention to me? Versus if they're actually outside of the home. Exactly, all right, So let's talk about parenting guilt in general, because we had so many moms right in with different forms of that. Basically, there's a million different ways to

feel guilty. Oh my gosh. Well, Sebastian is like a walking e er. Visit the first time when he was like sixteen months old, I was letting him play with bottles like he was giving them to me, and he dropped it and slashed his leg. I had to call them one one one the ambulance, and I felt so much guilt. Yeah, well, what I mean, seriously, what are you gonna do? Bubble wrap the guy? But like Lenox never had one stitch in knock on wood. But like Sebby's like a walking shows that you don't need to

feel guilty about this because it's more about Sebby's personality. Yeah, he's just a real go gether exactly. Lenox is a little more cautious. Yeah. I think it's hard to you know, whenever your kids get hurt, like my son broke his leg and I was the most traumatic thing in the world. Like, it's just whenever your kids are hurt, it hurts you, like you feed their pain, like it hurts so much, and then you have the guilt on top of that. Yes, also we you know we talk about feeling anger when

your kids won't go to sleep. I mean, who can't relate to that, like when you're just so exhausted, Oh my god, Yes, I can relate to that. What about guilt over the pandemic and it's impact on kids, you know, they feel guilty that the kids aren't having the normal social interactions. I am saying this the other day. Semis to his whole life has basically been inside during this pandemic. The first real year where he's like alert and cognitive of like life like what's happening has been inside And

I feel bad. But again, kids are resilient, yes, yes, and they are getting more time with you. Yeah, and they're handling it. Better than adults are. Okay, so this is a big one screen time mom guilt, both having kids watch so much and also you yourself being on your phone. One of our moms said she feels guilt around letting kids watch TV while she gets things done, or specifically while she's making food and you know, her

baby's crying or whatever. You know, I think this happens all the time, right, Yes, I mean, honestly, it's hard not to feel guilty when your baby cries. But the reality is you are a mother in the real world where tours have to get done, food has to get made, and eating. You have to eat and sometimes I can't wait, and that's important, yeah, or shower. I feel like it's

a sign of the times in a sense. I felt guilty for a long time about screen time for them, but now this is what's normal as the years go on, like technology is becoming such a focal point of life. And I think that what Sevy is watching on his iPad, he'll watch things in Arabic, or he'll watch things like they're educational, and I really do notice him repeating things that he learned from his app. So if I can't give him that full attention that he needs in that

moment at least he's learning something. It's a balancing act, right, Like you're like, Okay, I need to have this time, but how much time? I feel like I take it day by day? Yeah. Yeah, And of course there are days when you need to rely on that more than other days, and that's totally fine. So another topic that I know we want to talk about is sibling and the guilt around siblings, which I think is never ending,

never ending battle. Right, Oh my gosh. Yes. My favorite story is that I got went into labor with Sebastian and it was the morning, and I was like, Lennox has to go to school, he has to have a normal, normal morning. So I literally sat there with constractions, making him sausage, making him breakfast, and then I insisted on driving myself to the hospital in labor. Don't do that so my husband could take him to school so he could have a normal day. And I drove myself to

the hospital. Like who took you here? Was like I took myself. They're like oh no, no, no, no, no, no, so god, so nut, so nut. Yeah, I know, so understandable, but so not true. And a lot of moms worry about having a second baby and how that's or third baby, and how that's going to impact the relationship with their first baby. I had a mom on Facebook say that she feels guilty about not having enough time for her

first baby. Totally normal, or I remember you had a hard time thinking about loving another baby as much as you loved Lennox. And I tell the some moms all the time, you love them differently because they are different with different personalities, but you love them equally. There is enough love in your heart. I think a mom on my Facebook page summed up what so many moms feel,

and that's never feeling good enough. Something else that someone said on Facebook was she goes to bed every night thinking about all the things that she should have done different or better. That's the kind of guilt that we need to let go of. Always think about tomorrow. Go to bed not thinking about what happened during this day, because this day is over, you know, Tomorrow's another day. We have so much pressure on ourselves, but we have

to remember limited of our species. Right, We're humans, hu moms if you want moms, and we do have superpowers, but we're still only human and we can always try harder, but we won't ever achieve perfection or even anything approximating perfection. And I think that's really important to remember, Emma. Remember what we used to say when you guys were little. We would say, what's the best you can do? And I can do the best I can do? The best you can do is the best you can do, and

sometimes you would just say best best. Another thing I wanted to bring up the moms run into and their babies start to grow into toddlers, so if you're not there yet, it could be coming. Is feeling guilty about having your own meltdown, so losing your temper or yelling or feelings of resentment. Oh, I do that ship all the time. Afterwards I say I'm sorry I yelled, and you know he has a lot of big feelings because

they need to know that you're only human as well. Yeah, and they need to know that when you lose your temper, you apologize and all it's good and a more positive approach actually, instead of feeling guilty about yelling is to take a beat. Take a beat, as you said, apologize, hug, do something together, because sometimes guilt itself gives you, like the perfect excuse not to do something positive because you're already feeling guilty about it. But in fact, you can

put a positive spin on it. You can use the guild for good because guilt is inevitable. I mean we all have it, but a confessed or if you allow it to build up, so you know, instead try to turn it into something positive and break the cycle instead of just like sitting on it and letting it ste We also ask moms where they find comfort and support from, like when the mom guilt comes on, and they really

had some great answers. So many of them said they talked with their friends, family, other moms they trust and use that as an outlet. And who do you go to for support? My mom? None of my friends have kids, so it's really hard. Sometimes I go to social media and then I feel like some of my followers I've kind of connected with, but usually good to my mom or your dad, Oh my dad. Yeah. We heard a lot about supportive husband's right. One mom said her husband

told her you can't compare yourself to other moms. You don't know what their struggles or challenges are. Oh yeah, that's wisdom, that's wisdom, and that's what we're talking about. And her own mom also told her, you're the best mom for your kids. That's a really important message because nobody is better, nobody is better at parenting your children than you are. You are the best mom they ever had, literally moderately. And sometimes our moms say that obviously they

need to just talk to their therapist, right. I love to hear that because it's so important to know when it's too much to handle on your own. Sometimes a mood disorder that hasn't been diagnosed or hasn't been properly treated, you know, can exacerbate the guild and that's really hard to get over on your own. And that's when you know, you should know to reach out. And and that's one positive step that you can take. I've done it, yeah for sure. And you know, someone said it helps to

know other moms feel this way too. That's that's why that is so helpful to me. If someone has the same thing, you feel immediately better, Like it just gives me this like blanket of comfort. Another positive step that mom has talked about was baby hugs. I would argue hugs in general, but that that can help you get over a lot of those feelings. Any negative feelings, you just melt into hug And I also want to empower you to realize that not all mom guilt is a

bad thing. Well placed guilt, the right amount of the right kind of guilt, is actually good for you. I mean, if you think about it, emotionally healthy people will always feel some guilt. Children feel guilt, you know, when they do something wrong, they feel guilty about it. That means we're raising empathetic little people. Because when we're empathetic and we can put someone else's feelings ahead of our own, that's sort of the foundation of guilt. So that kind

of guilt is not a bad thing. That's what nurturing actually takes. And it can in many ways make us more productive, you know, better citizens, more responsible, and in a way it's kind of fundamental to being a good parent. But when it consumes us, it can actually become counterproductive, Like I can't be good enough, so why bother trying? You know, that kind of guilt or if at least present on that, I never have time for myself, So

I resent my kids and my partner. So I think like breathing else and whether it's screen time, whatever, it's about finding balance. Like anything else in your life, and especially in your parenting life, one of the best things that we can do to feel better is to do something nice for ourselves. Yeah, so we asked our moms what was one nice thing that they planned to do

for themselves this week? And I love these responses. Some of these ideas feel like really small things, but you know, as busy moms, like you said earlier, Emma, just getting a shower is like a big wind sometimes. So I'm going to go run through the list and we can kind of talk about our thoughts on this. And this may or may not be intentional, but the first one I have on the list is going to Target for one hour dangerous for Emma heaven. Yeah, except for my

credit card, but oh god, that sounds amazing. Just to like brows, not the toy section. A lot of our moms said that they do just to kind of take some time for them selves. Is to paint their nails. Really brings you so much happiness, right, just yeah, and it really does, but also helps with anxiety. It's kind of like the paint by numbers things like, it's just like soothing. Oh that would be soothing. Yeah. I did

a paint by number of myself. Oh my gosh, you can get these paint by number kits of like photos. And for our anniversary, I got the first picture I sent Simon. It was a super sexy selfie and I painted it paint by numbers. It was literally the most relaxing moment I've had this year. I was so sad when it was over. But it's so easy, Like you can get one of your baby and just paint it.

It's amazing. That's so cool. So we also have on the list taking a bath, and then a lot of I said, a lot of women said washing their hair, showering, But like a bath is like the ultimate, right, Like bath, that's the treat. How about going for a walk. And I feel like you're big into doing the family walk. Yeah, but I take walks with my kids, Like I made a sting we time because I don't think you know me time. It always has to be just me, But it can be we two if it's really fun and

relaxing and a family walk and be that. Maybe not with Sebby, but with Lennox it's not relaxing at all. Next wants to talk about video games the whole time and they want me to put them in trees. It's not that relaxing. Don't you love pretending you're interested in video game talk? And God just go off and like really, no way, Yeah, totally. I got a lot of comments

that said wine in all caps past the wine. Another one we had was taking a nap, which is so hard to do that every single day, every single day when Sebi naps because I am tired and I nap for like thirty minutes and I'm good. That's so good. And then another one on here was reading, which I just a lot of times I like to listen to audible or podcasts. I mean, that's pretty much my reading time. I think. I don't know what about you guys. Unless there's pictures like a magazine, like my mind will be

too racing and going places that doesn't relax me. I had to read what to Expect when You're expecting to her because that was the only way to true. And then also someone said just going to her therapist was you know that me time, which kind of love to hear that. Right, Going anywhere let X is when I pick up Lettox, I have to get in there an hour early to get in line and that's a great me time. I listen to podcasts, I score Instagram, I'm by myself, I'm my own little world. It's great. And

it's literally just picking up my kid. And often you call me or you call dad. Yep, Heidi. What's your final word of advice for mom's listening and for yourself for dealing with mom guilt? The bottom line is mom guilt is part of the job description. My mom had it, Your mom's had it. You don't need to overdo mom guilt to be a good mom. You gotta cut yourself some slack, right. You are the best mom your little I've ever had. So give yourself a big round of

applause and a big self hug. We're all in this together. Who baby belove, my baby love. I need you, Oh how I need you. Thanks for listening. Remember I'm always here for you. What to Expect is always here for you. We're all in this together. For more on what you heard on today's episode, visit what to Expect dot com

slash podcast. You can also check out what to Expect when You're expecting, What to Expect the first Year, and the what to Expect app And we want to hear from you connect with us on our community message board or on our social media. You can find me at Heidi Murkoff and Emma at Emma bing w t E and of course at What to Expect. Baby Love is performed by Riley Peter. What to Expect is a production of I Heart Radio. From More shows from I Heart Radio check out the I Heart Radio app, Apple podcast,

or wherever you listen to your favorite shows. In my arms right, don't You Stay? Knija Knija, Baby Boo, Babyl