Bonding With Your Baby

brand new baby. Or is that the easy part? While bonding last a lifetime. It doesn't always happen in a single magical moment. We expect the experience we see on TV. You know, the heavens open up, angels sing. Your baby feels as though she were born in your arms. That's how comfortable you feel holding her. She looks up at you, your eyes lock in a heady gaze, and you're a mom in love. And for some moms that's exactly how it happens, instantly, magically, But for a lot of moms

I've talked to, it goes more like this. After a long labor and delivery, you're physically and emotionally drained, a wrinkled, puffy, red face. Stranger is placed in your arms and she won't stop crying. Sure, you relieve that it's over, but over the moon, you're just not feeling it, or feeling much of a connection to your baby at all. The truth is, bonding is not a one size fits all experience.

Every woman is different and every bonding experience is different, And most of the time, normal is what's normal for you. So Emma's here with me, and she had her own unique bonding experience that I'm sure many of you moms out there and dads can relate to. So, Emma, what were your expectations? You played with dolls until you were I think fourteen, No judgment, no judgment at all. You were born to be a mom, much more so than than I think I was. So what were your expectations

and what ended up being your reality? Well, first of all, it's really comforting to know that my mom isn't sure she was born to be a mom. Well, I I've more than made up for it. But for the record, for the record, it's it's funny because I mean I kind of assumed I would be a mom, but I never actually, you know, set my sights to it. It was somethin that was going to happen eventually and then but when it happened, I had never held a baby before.

It was not something that I was necessarily prepared for. How about you. For me, it was a little bit of a tough experience because I had literally the whole world rooting for me, and I felt like I was running a marathon with people like high fiving me the whole entire way. My pregnancy with Lennox was announced in Times Square. It was on all the news tickers at the bottom of it, like CNN, MSNBC, Fox News, everywhere

daily everyone was covering my pregnancy. It's a lot of pressure, especially when it's your first pregnancy, because you were you were the baby who started what to expect right your mom was what to expect. It kind of come full circle. I thought when I gave birth, it would be like a Hallmark movie. I would look beautiful. First of all, it was not a good time when I was giving birth. Was not a Hallmark movie. My expectations, I guess we're not fulfilled. With Lennox, I fell in love pretty fast.

I was like, Wow, I love this baby. But then my whole experience with breastbeating kind of took me away from that. One of my favorite stories about Lennox's birth, and I don't even think I heard this until later, but the nurse ended you Lennox, and you have this like panicked look on your face and said, what do I do now? And she said, I just love him. That's my favorite story of a love that. I said, what do I do? What do I do? She's like,

just love him? And I did. And if there was ever the right thing said to somebody the moment, that was totally totally perfect. It was so perfect, and and that that sort of helped you make that connect kind of could breathe. Yeah, because all you really have to do is love your baby. But does that always happen? Done? Dune done. Yeah. So with your your second baby with Seby, you were so excited, you know, about the pregnancy with Simon, because I had a man that I was in love

with who was a partner. It was a different experience and so but ironically was it a better experience the pregnancy yes, mm hmm. But then I remember Sebastian came five weeks early, so during my labor, I was freaking out, not only because I was concerned about my older son feeling like I was ruining his life, but also the fact that something could be wrong with my baby. He's coming way too early, so I was stressing about that. I wasn't having the opportunity to fully like embrace what

was happening. You were across the damn country on a plane back, but we made it back at ten centimeters. We did it. I literally had like all these things, all these obstacles, So I remember so clearly when they gave me the baby and they put him in my arms, I was literally thinking, Okay, can someone take him away. I don't want to hold him. I don't want him. And that's a really hard pill to swallow. That's a really horrible experience. You didn't feel that same Did you

cry with Lennox? Cry? Both of them? But I think that was just like a natural body action to pushing out a giant head. Yeah, but when he was born, you didn't feel that much of anything. I didn't feel that initial bond that I think that I was expecting to feel. And it was my second rodeo, so I knew, I guess eventually I would feel it, but in that moment, I was like, can I do backseas I don't want And then they actually took him because he was a prey.

I was relieved in a sense because I didn't have to hold him and take care of him because his lungs weren't fully developed. They brought him to the nick you and I think that was also detrimental to my bonding experience because I didn't get that skin to skin. I didn't get that one on one feeling with him where it was just like the two of us. Even though he's been in me for seven months. We had that bond, But the second he was out of me,

that bond like evaporated. M Every mom responds differently to the birth of her baby, and truthfully, like, I don't happy cry. So I didn't cry when any of the babies were born. Not Mary, I didn't cry when you got married. I was super happy, but I didn't cry. But what about your emotions? Okay, that's a very different situation. I'm a crier. I'm a happy crier. I cried, but it was more like a whale like FML helped me kind of cry, like I don't know, I don't want

it any more. Moment. It wasn't like a happy cry, which you see a lot of people you know, on TV or movies when they get birth their happy crying. It's like a beautiful, organic moment, and mine was like a fml moment. Honestly. Also, you you had this fear all throughout your pregnancy with Zebby that you were going to ruin Lennox's life. Lennox was five already, you had spent so many years alone with him, and here comes another baby. So how did that affect your bonding with Seby.

I was a single mom for a long time. I didn't have a great relationship with my ex husband when we were married, he was never home. So I write Lennox was like my best friend, my partner in life, my partner in crime, everything. So for me, I think it was a little different than maybe other moms because we had the super intense bond. I had met my current husband, ever husband, only three months after we met. We got engaged. A few weeks later, I got pregnant.

I got pregnant after knowing him for four months. And so Lennox got thrown into this, and then he got thrown into that. And even though Simon's literally the best husband and father in the universe. So honestly, I was feeling an immense guilt about what I was doing to him, although in the end it turned out that it was the best thing that's ever happened to him. When I was having horrible postpartum depression, it was not good. And didn't you feel like you were letting Simon down? This

was his first baby and he wanted to celebrate. He was so happy he was bonding with the baby. That was probably for me the hardest thing, because all I wanted my entire life was to have this happy, close knit, perfect little family, and I finally had it, and I didn't care, and I felt so guilty because he was over the moon. He was taking care of the baby when I didn't want the baby near me. He was changing diapers, he got up with the baby. I was

just want to sleep. My rock bottom point was when we were driving and I said to myself, if we crash and I die, I'm happy. I don't care. That was my rock bottom. That's that's postpartum depression. That was horrible. Yeah, I had horrible postparm depression, and that that complicates the whole bonding absolutely, But I think that it was embarrassing that I had had this wish my whole entire life and I got it, and then I I didn't appreciate it.

And that's also feels bad when you don't appreciate something that people would kill for. People want babies, And then I have this other baby that I conceived naturally in Vegas. What happens in Vegas doesn't stay in Vegas. No, it does not. And I had it and it it just wasn't what I wanted in that moment, and it was awful and it was embarrassing. I felt I felt embarrassed that I didn't feel a bond. Everyone kept asking on an Instagram like, oh, my gosh, you must be so

happy your baby's here. My gosh, how happy are you? How much do you love him? You know, it's a social media is a mixed blessing because it gives you that support when you need it, but it also increases the pressure that you already have too much of. But you know, looking back, what do you wish you knew about bonding with your babies? I think that to know that it does get better, it's not permanent. I was so far gone, and you know, with my first one. I think that if I had a magic ball to

look into the future, site Emma, You'll be okay. I think I would have trusted that. But with postpartment depression, you can't. You can't. You're not thinking, you're not You're not rational, and it's not your fault. This is your fault. Nope, And I can say that you do come out the other end. Those clouds do pass. And I finally met my baby when he was around five six weeks and it was the best meeting of my life. And by by meeting, you mean that you actually made that love connection.

I made that love connection. And now looking at him, he's just turned too and I'm like, I love you so much, I want to eat you. And and I did get that feeling which I didn't have. Moms feel guilt for everything, but I feel guilt now because I hated him. You have to give up the guilt, you have to let it go. Nom that's true. It comes with the mom. Isn't the mom job description? So guilty for everything? I think you said that bonding it's not a marathon, right, This is what I've gathered. When it

comes to bonding, It's not a sprint. It's not a marathon. It's a jog, you know. Sometimes sometimes it's a brisk walk, you know, or a stroll, a stroll, a leisurely stroll. But you'll get there eventually, you know. And I think it's also important to keep in mind that there's not really a finish line because like everything in parenting, it's a process. You know, it's a process that takes a lifetime.

There's ebbs and flows and ups and downs. Let's take a break and when we come back, we're breaking down what to expect when you're bonding with your baby. Okay, mom, So these are the biggest questions about what to expect when it comes to bonding. Can you explain bonding physiologically and psychologically? So mother nature does help you become a mom and a lot of obvious ways, but in a lot of ways she can leave you hanging. That hormone oxytose,

and you may have heard of that. It's pretty standard issue. It's the love hormone, the bonding hormone, and in theory that should do the trick. So it's all physiological, right, So out pops the baby in floods, the maternal love and all of those instincts you've heard about. Dogs and puppies know exactly what to do, Lion moms and cubs know what to do. So aren't those instincts supposed to kick right in? That's what we hear. It's incredible how in nature it seems to be so so easy and precise,

but in humans it's a little more complicated. So this love hormone oxytocin your body makes it during pregnancy and especially after delivery, and sometimes they give you a shot of it to help speed the contractions of your uterus after birth, so it can come back down to size. And in theory, it's supposed to open your heart as soon as your baby is on your chest and fill it all the way up to the brim with love. Right, That's what we always hear. But emotional and physical factors

can obviously interfere with that love connection. So if you have a traumatic delivery or an emergency c section, or maybe you had an early birth that you just weren't prepared for and baby has to be rushed to the nike you or maybe you're just not feeling it because you're tired and you're overwhelmed. That was certainly the case with me, and bonding ultimately happens, but it takes different forms and it follows different timelines, So it's different different

ways of expressing your emotions. You know, even if you have those emotions right away, you're not necessarily going to express them in the same way. We're conditioned to expect things to happen, to go down with a happy cry, with the flood of love and instincts, but it doesn't necessarily happen the same way in different moms. Okay, So what happens if you can't bond right away with your baby? What if they have to go to the Nike you or you have an issue delivering and you need some

medical attention. What happens then? And that happens a lot. Twelve percent of bursts in the US are pre term, but also babies who are full term can end up in the Nike you, you know, especially after a c section. So for whatever reason that you can't be together right from the start, and it could just be that you're so so tired that you need somebody to take your baby just for a minute so you can get some rest. But there's plenty of time to make up for that.

There's a lifetime of loving ahead of you, and a late start doesn't mean that you've necessarily lost that opportunity anymore than a head start. Like I had that head start, I snuggled you at my breast and and it still didn't necessarily seal the deal right away. But and what's great now instead of just being holed up in their isolate babies in the Nike, you are, once they're stable, are able to do skin to skin even the tiniest little premies can do and guru care if you keep

your baby close to you and snuggle your baby. And that's whether the baby is pre term or full term doesn't matter. That skin to skin contact is so beneficial. It helps baby grow and develop. It leads to better sleep and better feeds. So that's something you can do at any point. And it may take more effort if your baby's in the NIKEW or you're not together right from the start, but it can definitely happen, and it will happen, I promise you will happen. So how can

bonding start before the baby is born? How can you get a little head start on that action? So the great thing that we know now we didn't always know this. Once in a while, I would feel completely stupid talking to my belly when I was pregnant with you and put. The interesting thing is that babies can hear from the

six months in utero. So when you to your baby, you sing to your baby, they hear voices that are outside of you, outside the uterus, So they'll hear dad talking, they'll hear an older sibling talking, they'll hear the damn neighbor's dog barking. And as a result, babies are accustomed

to the sounds that they've heard in their environment. So if your baby has heard, you know, sirens screeching all the time, because you live in New York City like you did, they don't startle as much as babies who have never heard them before, who live in like a peaceful little country village. But you can start bonding with your baby by rubbing your belly. Your baby can actually feel that, and they might even respond with a little kick.

And when you feel your baby kick, you know, just give that little foot or that little butt a little massage and that it's so cute, And that's the beginning of bonding. It's the beginning of bonding for an older sibling. If they rub your ellie or talk silly to the baby, that's the beginning of bonding for them too. That's important to keep in mind that even from the very start, you can get close to your baby, make that love connection.

I think a lot of moms feel pressured to do the extra stuff, you know, the super stimulating extra stuff. But it's really tis yeah, but it's but it's so not about that. It's about the basics. It's about the skin to skin, it's about snuggling and cuddling, it's about all kinds of touch. Massage. Baby massage is a great way to relax your baby, but also to relax you when you feel stressed. And talking to your baby, singing to your baby just like you did when you were pregnant,

and even reading to a newborn. A lot of people say read to a newborn. Newborns don't understand what you're reading, will neither do bellies. But it's good for both of you. It helps develop that bond as well as the love

of reading. Ultimately, that's the goal. Wearing your baby. There's actually research that shows that babies who are worn more cry less, and I would say the reverse is true, that their moms cry less because they're having that close connection that suites your baby because your baby is used to hearing your heartbeat in utero. But research has actually shown that it minimizes postpartum depression. It's not necessarily a

treatment for postpartum depression, but it can definitely help. Another way to bond with your baby right from the start is eye contact. That's so simple. Just looking at your baby instead of your phone ps can make all the difference because your baby is looking, your baby is looking back at you and not necessarily responding. That's what makes bonding initially so challenging for lots of moms. And we heard the mom who said until they started to form personalities,

or I've heard a lot of the time. When my baby started smiling, that's when I started to feel that connection, because it's really hard to connect with a little someone who just makes all kinds of demands but never actually responds in any way besides crying. And once they start making those connections with their eyes by cooling, by smiling, that can make really all the all the difference. What are some ways that a dad can bond with their baby. Well,

in fact, it's all the same ways. For Dad's, pregnancy is more of an abstract concept, even more than it is for us. And it's pretty abstract for us, right we're carrying a baby around for nine months, but you know, you feel a kick, those kinds of things, but it's really hard to believe there's a baby inside of you, you know, when you see the ultrasounds. Yeah, maybe so,

but it's a stretch. And then for dads who don't do that heavy lifting, who don't feel the kicks from within, they feel them on the outside, but it's not the same, definitely not the same. It becomes hard to do bonding until they do that initial skin to skin. And I gotta tell you, there's nothing that a mom can do that a dad can't do just as well, if not better, given the opportunity, and skin to skin right from the start is the first of many, many, many opportunities because

Dad's release oxytocin. A few people realize this, but Dad's experienced hormonal changes during pregnancy, so they experienced the surges and estrogen and the drop in testosterone, and that is nature's way of bringing out the nurture and the male of the species. It happens all throughout the animal kingdom is partially the hormones, but it's also getting close with your baby. The snuggles, the talking, the singing, the eye contact that helps dad's release that oxytocin, that bonding hormone.

My husband said that he knew I was pregnant, but until he like saw his child being born, it didn't hit him. It didn't know. And unfortunately be has Sebastian went to the nick you Simon wasn't even allowed to hold him for a few days, but when he did, he was so excited to do skin to skin. But he got to experience that and you know, bond with him and that bond with him, and that was really special. So I think that's really important to do. Dad's can bond with the best of the moms. He bonded better

than I did. Yeah, and in fact your father did as well. But it just it shows the power of dad's bonding potential that it's not just moms who can bond with their babies, far from it, but also people who adopt their children. They bond with their babies. So it doesn't necessarily matter if you gave birth to the baby exactly, and it can happen at birth or it can happen. You know, you adopt your baby, when your babies three months ago still bond and when week come back.

It's helped me, Heidi. And now it's time for help me, Heidi. We're all answer you're pressing pregnancy and parenting questions, no holds barred, no filter allowed, t am I, no such thing. We're all moms here or dad's and chances are if you have this question, other parents do too. You are not alone, Emma who needs help today? Okay, So this comes from a brand new mom who says she's struggling

to bond with her brand new little one girl. I feel you, she writes, I just had my baby, a baby that I was so looking forward to having, and I totally don't feel like a mother to her. I'm certainly not bonding with my baby like I thought I would. Well, this definitely could have been me. I think it was me. I remember coming home from the hospital, but all walking through the front door of our little apartment with you in my arms, and suddenly realizing they gave me this

baby to take home. Why would they do that? What were they thinking? And I was looking around for the instructions and I couldn't find them. I hadn't written the book yet. I remember my first Mother's Day so vividly. Emma. You were about a month old, maybe a little bit less, and we went out to brunch with the grandparents, and I realized, suddenly, wait a second, this is Mother's Day, and I'm a mother too. But it was such a disconnect,

it was so strange, it was so implausible. I saw my mother as a mother, I saw my mother in law as a mother. But what about me? Why did I not feel like a mother? So I feel this mom. Sometimes it's a matter of experience, or of course lack of it, which was definitely the case for me. You got to remember, this is the only job, and definitely the hardest job, that you get no training for, zero

training for. Boom babies dropped in your arms, and you're suddenly supposed to know exactly what to do and how to do it. Now. Sometimes moms who have had a lot of experience with babies, because they're older siblings, or they have nieces or nephews, or they did a lot of babysitting, they feel more comfortable grabbing the mommy mantle. But not me, because I never did any babysitting, And in fact, the first time I held a baby in my arms was the first time I held Emma in

my arms. And it takes time. Sometimes it just takes time. It's a process. Getting to know your baby is a process starting to get your baby, knowing what each cry means and how to tell the difference and how to respond because at first they all found the same. All those cries sound the same, but they all mean something different, and that's something you start to get. And then you start feeling confident breastfeeding or burping or rocking, and you

start getting your mom legs. And even if it's love at first sight at first snuggle, and especially if it isn't and if you don't click instantly for whatever reason, and there are lots of reasons why you might not make that instant love connection, it can take weeks to feel legit. As a mom. That crumbling of confidence can leave you feeling less than, especially because there's so much pressure on us to feel something more than even though to your baby, and this is true, to your baby,

you're the best mom he or she has ever had. Really, literally, as long as you feel a gradually deepening connection, you're starting to feel attached a little more. Day by day, night after night, you will get there, and before you know it, you will be rewarded by that first smile, that first coup meant just for you, and that will

tell you all you need to know. While you're waiting for that love connection where your baby, do skin to skin with your baby every chance you get both of these released the bonding hormone that we talked about oxytocin, make eye contact with your baby. And like I always say, and this is my best advice of all, stop and smell the baby, because they don't smell that sweet forever. And you'll suddenly if you stop and you pause and you just look in your baby's eyes, you'll suddenly realize

that baby in your arms is actually yours. Now. That said, if you don't feel gradually more connected, if you feel deeply anxious, or or if you feel sad or angry or disconnected with your baby, call your doctor or midwife or the pediatrician and get screened for postpartum depression or another postpartum mood disorder right away. Don't wait for me. It was close to six weeks before I could look at myself in the mirror and actually see a mom.

And even then, because there was colic involved, it took me a lot longer to look in the mirror and see a mom who actually loved being a mom. So give yourself and your baby time and definitely cut yourself a lot of slack. Lower that bar, then lower it some more. Don't put pressure on yourself to perform as a mom. There's way too much pressure on mom's anyway. Remember there is no such thing as a perfect mom, only human moms, which we all are. Who babylf my,

baby loof? I need you, Oh how I need you. Thanks for listening. Remember I'm always here for you. What to Expect is always here for you. We're all in this together. For more on what you heard on today's episode, visit what to Expect dot com slash podcasts. You can also check out What to Expect when You're Expecting, What to Expect the First Year, and the What to Expect app. And we want to hear from you. Connect with us on our community message board or on our social media.

You can find me at Heidi Murkoff and Emma at Emma bing w t E and of course at What to Expect. Baby Love is performed by Riley Peterer. What to Expect is a production of I Heart Radio From more shows from I heart Radio check out the I heart Radio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows. In my Arms, what Don't Just Stay? Leja Needa, Baby Baby, Who