183. Zero Hour: The Hidden Holiday

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And welcome back to Zero Hour, the show where your questions and ideas inspire off-the-cuff investigations. I'm not sure that investigations should be truly... Off the cuff, Alabaster? Well, how else could detective work work? Well, you're supposed to research leads and get warrants so that you're not breaking the law in the name of the law. Our first question.

is from a patron named Dante C. Who asks, what if Alabaster Zero did his own detective podcast? Oh, now I see what's happening. Well, thanks for giving me my own show, Dante.

Wonderful. Thank you, Dante. Yeah, but before things get too mysterious, I have a shout out for Elias, age nine, and his brothers, Benicio and Lorenzo. Are we doing shout-outs on my gritty detective podcast? Yes, Alabaster, we are. Okay. Then I got another shout-out. For Miles, who just turned five, happy boy later birthday. He's the five-time champion of the Kindest and Caring Award. And he always says yes to adventure. And occasionally he moonlights his Black Panther. Oh, and I...

I've got a shout out for Wells, age six, who loves unicorns and play dates. Send this, Henry, age five. Thank you, Henry. And then there's these brothers from North Carolina. Oh yeah, Nathan, age nine. And Owen, age eight. Thanks for those greedy true crime shoutouts. They had nothing to do with crime, really. Now let's get into our first investigation. Do you want to spend another summer stuck at home? Hey, Jim, how's your back?

Uh, you know. I hear ya. Leave the small talk behind because Disney and Pixar invite you on an out-of-this-world adventure. Engaging hyperspeed. This is awesome! On June 20th. Welcome to the community. Prepare to be conquered! I just got... Follow me. What is this place? These are the lava tunnels. I am not fireproof! Disney Pixar's Elio. In theaters June 20th. Tickets available now. Rated PG. Parental guidance suggested.

All right, which of our cases will we be telling them about Alabaster? Telling them? At the very least, they're coming with us. Excuse me. What, am I just gonna sit in a studio and talk at them for an hour? That's lazy.com slash about me. The me being a lazy person. I understand. Sort of.

So while we walk to the scene of the crime, let me tell you a little history of the holidays in What If World. Is that really necessary? Of course it is. The show's called Zero Hour because I charge them zero dollars for an hour's work. worth of Detective Podcast. It's not because your name is Alabaster Zero. What? That could have worked, actually.

What am I going to do with all these business cards? Oh, never mind that. Tell us about this mystery. Well, I don't know what it is. See, sometimes a what-if question is hidden out there in what-if world. changing things around without us knowing and the only way to find out is to follow the clues to solve the mystery. Oh that's good banter. I like how you just picked up where I left off. It's not really good banter when you call out the fact that we're bantering. Why not?

People shouldn't be ashamed of their banter. We're trying to talk about the mystery question. Right, right, right. Well, our only clue is that this question comes from a listener named Matilda. And it involves Alicorn and the Wattesian holiday known as Halloween. Of course, we don't celebrate Halloween in What If World. No, instead we've got an entire month known as Spooktober. It's an entire month of spooky holidays.

Like Swap Heads Day. Oh, and Treat or Eat, that's probably the closest to your Halloween. Oh, that's right. But Treat or Eat Day got cancelled. Sadly, it did. Maybe that's our first clue. Oh, wonderful. So why don't we skip ahead to the scene of the crime? No, no, fair release. It's called Zero Hour, and it's a 20-minute walk to the scene of the crime. So I'm gonna spend the next 20 minutes talking about the history of what-if-ian holidays. That sounds tedious. Thank you.

Alabaster, who's going to be editing this podcast, by the way? I thought maybe you, because you've got magic and a computer. So I could say take out parts that were a little boring, perhaps? I mean, if you can find any birds.

So What If World's very first holiday was called First Holiday Day. They called First Holiday Day First Holiday Day because it was the first holiday that anyone ever came up with. And they came up with it on the first day that anyone ever imagined a What If World. Now the second holiday, let me check my notes here. Oh yes, quite predictably, the second holiday was called...

Holiday after first holiday day. Now there are a lot more holidays to talk about, and maybe we'll cover them on the way back. Fascinating stuff. I definitely... Probably might not edit any of that out. A strange choice of words, Verilys. Only if you think about them, but let's think about this case now. You said we're at the scene of the crime? That's right. Look around. We're in the middle of the street. I see that. But what don't you see? I don't see anything, really. Exactly.

It's treat-or-eat day in What If World, and no one's out there treat-or-eating. Pixicato told me it was cancelled this year in many parts of What If World. Cancelled or stolen. Oh, she did say canceled. She found out at school. Then school's where we start. Then why'd we just walk all the way out into the street? Because it's a podcast. Gotta keep things dynamic. Now as we walk to the observatorium... That's not where she goes to school. Yeah, but it's closer. And while we walk there...

Let's tell everyone about the storied history of Traderie Day. So another 20 minutes about the history of an imaginary holiday. Exactly.

We gotta get to that full zero hour. That's fine, go ahead. So when edible things first came alive on What If World, there was a big problem with people trying to eat each other. That's why they came up with Treat or Eat Day, where people give each other non-talking food rather than eat- one another it all started after the first first holiday day celebration celebration they were celebrating the celebration naturally because they didn't have that many holidays to celebrate back then

A young detective named Alabaster Negative 62 noticed some people had been getting eaten. So she decided to invent Detective Day so that she could investigate. Got to 12 years later. Oh my word. And that's why those concerned with grammatical correctitude call it the holiday in which we give treats to others in order to prevent said others from eating us. Day. Fascinating.

If you applied yourself to your detective work, like you did to holiday history, you might be... Exactly as awesome of a detective as I already am. Quite. Well, we're at the observatorium. Let's do some detective work. These hallways.

Strangely empty and the doors seem to be creaking more than usual Do you know Well, let's see if we can find Professor Abacus Pigrew. Pigrambler, would you stop? That please, Alabaster. We don't want the zero hour to get too long, do we? Oh, that's right.

I've had 45 minutes of historical narration. That means we've only got a few minutes left to solve the case. If I want to do my 10-minute Pinochle bonus segment at the end of each episode. Pinochle? It's a guard game I've never learned to play, so... I thought it would be fun to learn it on the podcast. You know, just to fill out the hour. Verilice, Alabaster Zero, thank goodness you're here. I accidentally turned the foundation of the building into pudding.

And now we're slowly sinking into the ground. Ooh, you have a microphone. That's right. Am I going to be on a radio show? Uh, no, a podcast. Oh, drat. There's no time for that, Abacus. We gotta find out what happened to Treat-or-Eat Day. What? It was cancelled. Do you have any idea why? Why? We all got a note saying that how people eat other people and then spit them out as part of the celebration is a really unhealthy way to spread germs.

But listen, we are literally sinking. But that doesn't make sense. Well, I was trying to conjure a pudding cup, but I used one of the wands that someone had mysteriously chewed on. Someone other than Fred the dog, because of course he said that he didn't chew on them. And anyway, then, there was pudding everywhere! No, no, no, I mean, people have been eating each other and then spitting each other out every treat or eat day for centuries. Why would we suddenly change the tradition?

Traditions sometimes change to suit the times. I personally didn't like all the eating and spitting out. All right, well, the earth is about to eat us because the bottom of the castle is pudding. We're sinking. You see out that window? That's the ground. It used to be the sky. Abacus, how did you find out that the holiday was cancelled?

I had a note delivered to me. Can we please get out of here? Alabaster, he might have a point. You are up to your knees in pudding right now. And who brought you the note? Oh, I don't know. Some alicorn. Alicorn? Wasn't the T-Rex Express? No, it wasn't. Come to think of it, that is strange. Good pudding. I agree. About the strangeness or about the pudding? About everything.

It is good, Rudy. Okay, I'm going to ask, right or right, to teleport us out of here. That's okay by you two. Indubitably. You're welcome. Spry. Whoa! Is that Abacus's hat? And Alabaster's sunglasses? Yes, they have sunk underneath the pudding. It's a long story, but could you... Alright, you know I can.

Thank you, Sprite, all right. Oh, look. The observatoria must have hit bedrock and stopped sinking. So it's just a little lower than before. And it's full of pudding. Well, thank you two so much for solving my mystery. wasn't really a mystery so much as an emergency. If it's on a detective show, it's a mystery. Speaking of which...

Sprite, all right, can you teleport us to the northwestern-southeastern pole? All right, but then I gotta pick up Pixicato from soccer, so you two are on your own getting home. But Sprite, it's in the middle of nowhere. Was that? I can't hear you over the bitter winds of the northwest and southeastern pole. Yes, and I actually didn't want to be teleported here. I've got some pudding to eat. Okay, have fun. Bye.

Alabaster, why did you have us teleported here? I'm following a hunch. Yes, we can all have lunch. I've got pudding for everyone. Oh, that's about enough. Thanks for the protective bubble for release. Yes, well, we have about an hour before we freeze. That's okay, because we've got even less time before the end of the zero hour.

Oh, zero hour. Because you charge people zero dollars an hour to solve their mysteries. See, Verilys, he gets it. But his name is Alabaster Zero- And we're here. The Alicorn Cove. Why are you licking the snow? Just as I suspected, it's snow. What a brilliant detective. But with a distinct hint. Of stolen holidays. And you can taste that in the snow? Don't question his methods. I sort of wonder if he's making it up as he goes along. Of course I am, Verilys. This is a podcast.

Who, who, who's there? That was not the voice of an alicorn. Look, but there go the alicorns, flying after every corner of what it worked with little letter carrier bags strapped between their wings. that is adorable abacus you're a civilian you should stay back and let us handle this but i'm a wizard You know what my magic can do. All the more reason for you to stay put. Come on out, Santa Fant. The jingle is up. Oh, it's Alabaster.

And Fair Elise. And you must be, um... I'm Abacus P. Grumbler. We know each other. We're both ancient magical beings. If you say so, Mr. Grunty.

Come have some warm cider and roasted peanuts. Not before you confess, Santavent. You stole treat-or-eat day, and you're trying to steal all the holidays. Alabaster, you can't just go making wild accusations like- Well, in a manner of speaking, you are correct. Wow, I am sorry, I- How did you know? Weren't you listening to my monologue about the holidays? Oh, uh, yes. Which is how I know that Santa fan does, um...

takes. Uses alicorns to deliver ideas and take what ifs back to the northwestern southeastern pole. Every ifmas. Of course, it's so simple now. Why'd you do it, Centervant? Why'd you still treat or eat day? And I have a question for you in response. Of course he does. Why do you celebrate the holidays?

That's easy. No work, no school, presents, candy. And sometimes dressing up. Well, I think you've answered your own question then. Because the holidays were too awesome. You just wanted everyone to celebrate Ifmus. A holiday about ideas.

Can't eat an idea. Well, now you're on to something. See, a holiday is an idea. There's no reason for one day to be different from all the others, except for an idea that we share. What was happening? Where's that music coming from? Fairleys, can you edit this out? No, it's bleeding through the microphones. I'm afraid we're stuck with it. For crying out loud. And the ideas we feed, they grow.

The happy ones, the sad ones, the funny ones, the angry ones. Oh, and people have been worried that treat-or-eat day wouldn't come this year. There were too many what-ifs about the holiday, so it had to change.

It's not gone. I didn't steal it. Everyone's just taking some time to figure out how they can enjoy an old tradition in a new way. You're monologuing on my podcast. It's really hard to stop him. So if the holiday... look a little different this year let it be your chance to try something new maybe you'll love it maybe you'll think it stinks

That's not as important as sharing something new with the people you love. Wonderful, a cryptic answer. Tell us how to make the holidays fun. I can't. Of course. Why not? Because no stranger can tell you how to celebrate with your loved ones. We aren't strangers, Santa Fanta. Every one of you has an interest. Your own special way of looking at the world. We went to...

So brainstorm some ideas and pick something out. We were roommates, if you recall. Because we can make any activity fun and inclusive with a holiday spirit. I gave you that red hat. huh i remember an old wizard giving me a hat but it was in a different color i'm pretty sure it wasn't hey i'm doing an inspiring speech here i think we need to solve the hat mystery so take back trick or eat

Figure out a new what's giving. Make an ifmus you'll never forget. Here, I found a picture on my crystal ball. Ifmus 1304. You're wearing that hat in red, and I just gave it to you. That's not me. It's a giant snow white woolly mammoth in a red hat! Okay, it's me. I know that! I thought instead of treat or eat day, we could change it so we just play tricks on each other. We could call it treat or trick instead of eat day.

Well Abacus did you like my treat or trick instead of eat day trick? If I'm being honest Not really. Oh, are we at the part of the holidays where we're very honest with our loved ones? Yes, yes. Well, you're my best friend. You're my best friend, Santa fan. It stinks we aren't seeing some people for the holidays this year. I know. But I feel good having a cry about it. Me too. I'm all stuffed up. Well, I guess we solved the mystery. Okay.

I think we've tried enough traditions for one day. Yeah, but did we find any fun ones? Not really, but I had fun not finding them together. Me too. I kind of want to go celebrate treat or eat day with Tabby Tallulah. And I really want to get back to Sprite or Right in Pixie Cato. I wish there was a magical being with a fleet of alicorns that could... Fly us home. It's called a miracle of alicorns. But can we fly one home? Yes, one should be back in about 30 minutes. Oh, perfect.

That means we can start on the next episode of Zero Hour. I think I'll call it the mystery of the new traditions. And I'll spend the next 20 minutes thinking out loud about fun things I might do with Tabby Tallulah. Uh... I could brush her. I could comb her. I could try to give her a bath, but that never works very well. Get off grooming, Alabaster. I could brush her teeth. She hates that. Yeah, maybe I'll do that the day after the holiday. Ooh, ooh, ooh. I can air out her litter box.

Are you getting all this, Verilys? Oh yes, of course, yes. Capital ideas all. We could name the capitals of What If World, yes. I think there's only one so far, but there's probably others. Absolutely unendearable, Alabaster. You're welcome. Well, Dante and Matilda, I hope you enjoyed your story. And we'll play Matilda's question for you right now. My name is Matilda, and I really like alicorns.

And I'm seven years old, and my what-if question is, what if Santa tried to take over Halloween? Bye. Bye. I'd like to thank Karen O'Keefe, our co-creator. Craig Martinson for our theme song. And all you kids at home who know that even though the holidays change, you are imaginative and hopeful enough to make them wonderful no matter what. And until we meet again...

I'm going to start playing Pinochle. No, no, you're not serious. It's what the children want, Farrelly's. Yes, yes, I'll keep rolling then. Keep Pinochling. Keep Pinochling. This is what