¶ Understanding Dependent Attachment in Men
Welcome back . I'm your host , martin Perdomo , and this is your ultimate guide to understanding what it truly means to be wealthy AF . And today I'm joined by Adam Lane , and Adam is a renowned figure in the realm of personal development and relationship , known for his transformative impact .
With years of professional experience as a licensed psychotherapy , he has honed his expertise as a highly sought after attachment specialist and personal coach here . Adam , welcome to the show . It's a pleasure to have you here and I'm excited for this conversation , thank you so much I'm looking forward to this too .
You know awesome , brother who people who change the world are my favorite people to help , because it makes everybody better around them as well .
Absolutely , absolutely . My friend told let's get right into it . Man , you specialize on attachment relationships , I think it's what you coined it . But I want you to tell us what does it mean to have a dependent attachment ? What does that mean specifically or particularly to men ?
So really quick attachment . So attachment theory . It talks about the skill set you learned as a child , through your parenting , through your family , as a little kid . This is how I will get my needs met . This is if I'm safe , this is if I deserve love .
You learn that mindset and that skill set as a kid and you carry it forward in your adult life and you don't change it unless someone grabs you by the nose and makes you change it because you believe that's all you're ever going to get . So once you hit adulthood , plenty of guys in their early childhood they form this dependent feeling on other people .
They don't believe they deserve to be loved . We call this nice guy syndrome . Dr Robert Glover calls it . I've worked with him before on this project as well and nice guy syndrome is anxious attachment style . You become very dependent . You're terrified of abandonment . You have imposter syndrome . You feel like a fraud .
You will always be trying to please other people . This wrecks most of your adult life . It wrecks most of your relationships and you will go from one relationship to the next hoping that you will get some sort of validation .
When you say attachment and you needing validation , can you give us a picture of what that means and what the characteristics of that man is ?
I work with all kinds of men for Emory Walker Life and I remember recently I had an executive come in and top of his game C-suite executive , big corporation and on the inside he truly believed the only worth he brought into his relationships was what he could do for other people .
The moment sales numbers dipped or the moment his department wasn't working perfectly , he was utterly terrified that other people would abandon him , they'd call him out , they would turn on him , that he'd be outcast .
This man was very wealthy , by everybody's standards , very , very wealthy , and he was so petrified every time things weren't perfect because he believed that was the time people would finally abandon him . I had another client opposite problem . He didn't believe he was the problem . He had more of what we call avoidant attachment style .
He didn't believe anybody else would ever truly care about him because he didn't feel other people were capable of caring about him . Every time there was a problem he had to solve it alone .
Every time there was an issue he had to figure it out and if he was ever short on anything , if he was ever imperfect , he was petrified that other people would turn on him and rip him apart . This man had oh my goodness , he had hundreds of millions of dollars in the bank . He had so many houses .
He'd been married three times , because , of course , that kind of behavior is not going to give you a healthy , happy marriage . He had been married multiple times and he came to me on his third marriage with a $9 million prenup on the line , trying to fix his attachment .
It is fixable , and that's the number one thing I want to put to everybody out there at home right now is it is fixable If any of these feelings are resonating with you . It's a skill set and a mindset you learned , which means you need to learn a better skill set and a better mindset going forward , but otherwise this will haunt you . What ?
does it mean when a man is super wanting to please his woman at all costs ? I know a lot of men this way . I've seen a lot of men . I actually used to be that guy that was peace at all costs . Whatever my wife wanted I would do , and I'll share the story with you real quick .
One day I'm in my pool , in my yard , and my wife comes and I'm just by myself in the pool . The kids were small . My kids are big now , they're all adults now . And Adam , she comes on to the deck of the pool and she says I got to talk to you , and you know that's the dreaded . We need to talk , right ? I'm like all right , cool .
I'm in the pool with she's on top of the deck and we're talking and she goes I got to tell you something . Every time I'm really not happy , she goes . I'm like why ? I couldn't , I couldn't stand . You got the nice house got pulled . You got the kids . You don't work . You got everything you need . I couldn't understand this .
She says to me I feel like you're not your own person , you don't have your own personality . She was like it's not a bad , it's not . You just do things because you want to please me , you say yes to me . If I want this , you say yes . If I want that , you say yes . You never say no to me . And I could not understand this Adam or the life of me .
We've been married now 21 years , been together 27 years . I could not understand this for the world of me . And that was the beginning of my breakthrough and I was like you tell , I lost it . I went into baby mode and how could you say that ?
And you , every woman , I thought in my head , every woman wanted that and I'm grateful for her because she was expressing to me what it actually she needed in her feminine , her feminine energy , what she needed for me as a man . I mean , I don't want to go into the whole story , I have my breakthrough from there . But what advice would you give to that guy ?
Because I know a lot of guys like that . You know , we're not taught . It's like oh , I just want to make my wife happy and happy , wife , happy life . Excuse me , but I think that's BS . I don't buy into that .
That's horrible advice . Absolutely . You're speaking my language because one of my good friends that I grew up with same thing . Right , the research shows about 50% of American men now have attachment issues 50% . We don't talk about it , but it's half of the population having this now . One of the guys I grew up with his mother and father came here from Mexico .
He was born here . He grew up with this tough as nails mom good mom , but tough as nails . What translated into when he was a kid was his mom was always stressed . She was warm , but then she was rough , and then warm , and then rough and warm and rough . What that taught his brain as a child was I'm not safe because I keep making mom angry .
If I make her angry enough , maybe she won't love me anymore . I better make her happy all the time and be constantly tuned into her mood and all the time . Don't only think about her mood and keep her totally happy all the time . What happened is he couldn't , because it wasn't his fault , but his brain thought it was . His brain craved this hormone
¶ Finding Purpose and Values for Men
called oxytocin . Oxytocin is that the love hormone that mom gives you when you're a kid and that you're supposed to give to your partner when you grow up , it's holding hands , it's talking , it's love , it's love making , it's everything . When we have that anxious attachment , that dependency , we are chasing that hormone . But we're also petrified of being abandoned .
He grew up and he got . I remember his first girlfriend . I remember meeting her . She was vicious , she was mean , she treated him like garbage . She made him the butt of jokes and then she would be really , really kind and loving .
When he would get hurt emotionally by her behavior , she would flip around and then keep him on the hook and be really good in bed and really good in other areas , but then would treat him like garbage . It was this constant back and forth and I'd said , man , what are you doing with this woman ? Like , why , why , why didn't you put up with this ?
And he'd say , well , what do you mean ? This is just how it is , this is how women are , this is what his mom had trained him to do . And so here's , here's , here's what gave him his breakthrough . And here's here's what I trained him and taught him is my good friend . I said , buddy , if you act like this , you're being a child to an inconsistent mom .
Now , there's two things that's going to happen there . One you're either going to get an inconsistent woman who is going to be happy because she can control you , but she won't really be happy because now she has to control you and that over time she'll disrespect you and then cheat on you .
Or , number two , you're going to get with a good woman who does not want to be up here above you and doesn't want a child . She wants a man . In no way are you going to be happy .
So what you've got to do is challenge that belief from childhood that you have to make women happy at all times , at any cost , because you are not a child anymore and women don't follow children , women follow men . So he did just like you . He had to step into his own honor code and figure out who he was .
He had to find his mission in life , as you have found yours . He had to chase his purpose and on that road meet other men who were full of purpose . And as he did this , the respect he got from women in his life went up and up and up , until he broke up with that girlfriend , thank goodness and then found a good woman who wanted to follow him .
She respected his mission , she respected his principles , she respected his character and said I want to follow you and enhance your mission and make your life better so that you can reach higher and help more people . And that was his change . That's the story and that's what men out there need to hear .
That's great . That's a great insight you gave my friend . I've had a couple of other guests on my show where we're talking about this topic and it's you mentioned it . You know , secure men have a purpose , have a mission . They're clear on who they are , they're clear on what they want .
I could speak for myself and probably you , probably , as a man I probably would guess that you might have a similar experience that it took some time for you to figure that out . It took some personal development . It took some reading . It took some you getting grounded on you , like saying , hey , man , this is who I am .
What advice are you telling men to figure out ? How to get grounded , how to create those values , how to find their mission , how to become that man . Because when I was that younger version of me , when my wife came into the pool , I didn't have that .
It was an aid in me , it was a gift God gave me that I had inside , that I wanted better , but I didn't know how to express it and I didn't know how to fully materialize it .
So one quick point on that and then we'll weave right into some practical skills . The reason that men are taking so long to find our purpose and find our code is that we are in a crisis of masculinity . Masculinity has fallen apart over the last five decades and it has been basically reborn .
First it was a tiny little baby fledgling under women , and women controlled the new masculinity , and then it became a juvenile masculinity . Men pleasing women turned it into men , becoming angry teenagers in essence . I look at , for example , the Tate brothers right now . Get as many big cars as you can and sleep with as many supermodels as you can .
That's all that matters . Look at me , flex , look how big and mean I am , and that's the message of juvenile masculinity . I believe we are on the cusp of a renaissance , a rebirth of mature masculinity , men like yourself who are leading other men to find that purpose .
So , number one if men out there are feeling like you don't have a purpose and you feel ashamed , that is the reason that line has been broken . So it will take you longer to find it than it took men in the past . So how did men in the past find it ? They found their purpose through a couple of key places . Number one personal sovereignty .
You cannot do good for other people if you have no sovereignty over yourself . That includes finding places where you are afraid and challenging those fears . Finding places where you are ashamed and finding solutions to that shame . Number one thing I want to hit here men , your feelings are useful data , but ultimately they also don't matter .
Your feelings will tell you a lot of wrong things from your childhood that are not true , but they are useful data to tell you if you are in pain and if you're in a bad state . That needs to change .
If men are depressed , depression is a natural response to a bad setup in your life and you need to change the setup in your life so you are no longer depressed . Anxiety is another kind of pain that we can feel , or the anticipation of pain . You are anticipating pain from a variety of areas , perhaps in your relationships , especially .
If you fix your approach to life , your anxiety and depression will diminish , just chemically . The serotonin , the oxytocin , the GABA , the vasopressin , all of those the brain chemicals will begin to change and we can go into those that need to be .
So here's what you need to know Find where you're in pain and understand that there is a part of you , a future version , that is no longer in that pain . Once you recognize that , then it is clear steps that you must take to reach that self . Yes , your principles . Find your three core principles .
What I tell men is this find the places you feel most ashamed of yourself . Find the moments that have made you most unhappy . Find the places where you have felt most like a fraud . What did you violate ? Did you lie ? You broke honesty . Did you break your word ? You broke integrity . Were you harsh to someone who was hurting ? You broke your compassion .
Did you shy away from a challenge ? You broke your courage , right your loyalty , your perseverance , your strength , your morality , your creativity , your freedom , your sovereignty . What are your three core principles ? Figure them out and write them down . Put them on a phone reminder so that they hit you in the face every morning .
I am a man of this , this and this . The research is clear that if you say I like these three things , you have a 30% chance of following through . If you say I am a man of and make it your identity , you have an 80% chance . That's in the morning . At night , you set a phone reminder .
Did I uphold my honor today , or my values or my code , whatever you want to put . You set that about an hour before bedtime and you reflect on it for two minutes . The goal is not to shame yourself or feel guilty . It is to say did I uphold them ?
And if I did not , what should I do different in the future so that I can do it more accurately and more consistent ? That's step number one . Step number two mission this is I've done this with men who are in their 80s . I've done this with men , boys , who are 12 years old , and it resonates .
You need to change the lives of three people around you , just three . And if they change three , that's nine . And they change three , that's 27 . And they change three , that's 81 . You have this glorious ripple effect that goes and goes and goes . You've got 120 people that change from you , out from that ripple . Now , that could be three children .
That could be three people you mentor . That could be three people you teach really important skills to . It could be three people on this podcast . You've got three people , but it could be three people in this audience whose lives you changed forever .
Right , three people , and then three and three and three , and everything you stack on top of that is more , but that's 120 people whose lives will be fundamentally transformed by how they interact with you and what they learned from you .
You can have what's called a united legacy , where all of those people are healthy and flowing and work together and build a new system that makes the world better , or a fractured legacy , where they are miserable and broken and depressed and separated and distrust each other in the world gets just as crappy as it is now .
So your legacy and your principles are your driving force as a man . Everything after that is just skills to make those things stronger . Okay , I need to improve my legacy . Let me teach , let me gather communication skills . One of the best skill you can learn in the world is communication skills to communicate with other people .
Relationship skills , attachment If you cannot connect to other people securely and have a conversation with them and build a relationship , you cannot achieve that three ripple effect . You'll have zero at the end of your life and you'll be depressed and miserable because you had no impact . So fix your attachments so you can connect other people .
Your purpose will be found in your relationships and your impact will be honed by the character you build through your principles . Those are the things I want to hand to men . What do you think of that ?
Dude , you can't tell you that any better . That was amazing . That's really really good . My next question for you
¶ The Evolution and Impact of Masculinity
within that , when you started your statement to answer that question , you said masculinity has been under attack for 50 or 60 years . Can you tell me more about that ? Why ? How ? Because I feel the same way . I have my own theories , but I like to hear your thoughts on that . Oh yeah , World War .
I'll be really quick , but it's a slow burn . World War I destroyed a generation of men , those who died and then those who came back broken and damaged , and the ones who were left had to haul butt to try to pick up the slack for everybody else . They broke , they fell apart . It's called the lost generation .
And after that came the dust bowl and the Great Depression and families leaving their farms for the cities . It was the first time in 1920 that there were more families living in the cities than in the farms . They were forced to do this . They broke their safety nets , their family , their connection , all the bonds , all the extended families .
And the parents went into the cities and worked 16 hours a day and the average work week was anywhere from 80 to 100 hours per week for the average factory worker . Until Ford came along and built the 40-hour work . He got sued into the ground by other people who said he couldn't do that . But families were destroyed , destroyed and they barely survived .
And then they had to fight World War II and their parents is called the greatest generation . So quick brother . Families were destroyed because of the 40-hour work week . No , no , no , because of the 100 hour work week , also because of all the deaths . The meat okay , okay okay . War got it , got it .
Wars from the dust bowl , from from suicides , from families falling apart , people walking away . Dad , I think , up masculinity broke and broke . It did everything .
Men masculine men did everything they could to uphold society and they died and died and died and got ground down into the dust and Eventually there weren't many left and women had to step up into that role to try to take over in the home . Women became very masculine around that time and very depressed as well .
The 1950s they started coming out with mama's little helper and and drugs to try to help women calm down their nervous systems in the home , because they were over Overclocked from running a home alone endlessly over and over and over every day and having no contact with their husbands and trying to manage the kids .
Very masculine women emerged from that to try to keep the family intact and Women can do that , but but the long term they shouldn't have to . It burns them out really hard . Then you have the baby boomers who came along and said my family didn't understand me , they didn't give me love , they just yelled at me , they were mean .
The boomers are currently tripling their divorce rates in their 70s and 80s right now , because they Never learned how to love . That's where we really see broken attachments . Starting is this it ended the transmission of love and connection from parent to child around that boomer generation . They got well .
Then they had their , their first set of kids , the gen X and Gen Y , and they were deeply confused about how to live . Their parents were angry . Their parents broke up . They didn't know what to do . Gen X is still like , very confused , trying , just quietly Working along in their life .
The boomers went off and said well , screw that , I've messed up my first family , but it's probably their fault . Anyway , I'm gonna have a second family and make them tougher . Then they had the Millennials . The Millennials have never seen a functional family system , not really They've heard about it .
The boomers have yelled at them largely about you know , you owe everything to your family . You owe everything to your parents , but your parents , oh , you've nothing . We raised you to 18 and kicked you out . You have to go make your own way . We won't ever help you , but you better be there to help us .
And Millennials got furious , furious at the boomers and pushed back . And now we have Gen Z who they ? They essentially live in what is a broken culture . We people keep waiting for the collapse to happen . The collapse has already happened .
The family already shattered , masculinity , ground into the dust and died , and then women picked up the masculine torch and raised a generation of men who had no masculine guidance . So we have Gen X and Millennials raised with no concept of what it means to be a man , and they were just sheltered under women .
Now we have late Millennials and early Gen Z's who are big , swaggering juvenile Masculinity where they're trying to copy and retake and get nine Bugatti's and 15 girlfriends and that's a juvenile masculinity of I won't be controlled anymore .
They're trying to regain personal sovereignty , which is excellent , but they are denying what personal sovereignty is supposed to accomplish . Men are not designed to simply walk into this world , be personally sovereign and then die without accomplishing anything .
Personal sovereignty is the foundation for then offering Shelter and protection and provision and guidance to everybody else that you allow to shelter under what you have built . That's the second half of masculinity . A mature masculinity steps into its role as as that caretaker , as the provider , as that leader , as as that . That that is our next step .
Masculinity is already being reborn Everything you have said here . Your listeners at home they're resonating with that and and I hear it in you you are rebirth of mature masculinity , stepping forward . Your wife called you to the quest and you stepped forward into mature masculinity to become that man that you need to be , and that's beautiful
¶ Vulnerability and Leadership in Relationships
. That is the story of masculinity and it is coming back in a big way man , this is such a great , such a great episode .
I'm so glad that you're here , you . I listened to one of your recent episodes , adam , in your podcast , and Love your podcast , by the way . Good stuff , man . Guys , check out his podcast .
I wish you knew podcast .
I wish you knew podcast . There you go great , freaking podcast guys , go check it out . You were having a discussion there and you made a statement that so Resonated with me . Man , it just like man , that's good . You said you can be with your spouse , you can be Vulnerable without being weak , and I was like , holy shit , that's freaking power .
Power right there , please , please , because I figured that out , but it took me a minute and I'm gonna share story with you in a minute once you explain that to us . That just happened to me this morning , but can you explain what that means and the art of that , please ?
and it's so . It's so simple . You already displayed it during this episode . You already did when you said I want to tell you about when I was a nice guy and my wife came out and she told me I am not happy and it's because I was not living the way I needed to live . But what did you do next ?
That was you being vulnerable , and that's where most men will stop and they feel ashamed and they feel sad and other people are confused and don't know what to Do about it , so it makes them feel bad . But you didn't stop there . You stepped into that and said so here's what I did .
I stepped forward and I grew and I became this man they needed me to be and let's talk about that . I'm using this information to lead us into the next step . You shared for a purpose .
Here's the difference is men at home You're probably hearing be vulnerable and you imagine falling on the floor , crying like a child and somebody having to comfort you , because that's what most men wanted when they were a kid and didn't get they were not comforted the way they needed to be and they also weren't picked up masculine guidance .
They weren't picked up and said okay , it's okay to cry . It's okay to hurt . You need to find the next step after that happens . Right , there's beautiful line from from the play Macbeth when Macduff , his family , has been murdered by Macbeth and the Prince , and everybody comes to him and says look , macbeth killed your family .
You need to come get revenge and kill them , kill him for your family . And he has beautiful line that I've never forgotten . He says I will deal with it as a man , but first I must feel it as a man . And he allows himself to grieve . And then he gets up and leads a campaign to take down the tyrant Macbeth .
But first he has that moment where he feels it . That's vulnerability . Vulnerability is Pollution , focused sharing . You share something deep and painful , but then you move forward with a purpose and say this is what we will do about it and this is what it means and here is the next step for us to get stronger .
That is the kind of sharing that women crave from men . That is the kind of sharing we , as men , must do with each other . Otherwise we can't share solutions . That is what men are supposed to do .
So powerful man . I love that story used about Macbeth . So this morning we are , we're planning a big move . We have some big things and big changes in our life that we're going through and I understand now in my 40s , the difference , that I'm very different . I am not a woman .
We think differently , we behave differently , we respond differently and my wife responds totally different to the same situation than I do . I understand that now , as I'm all good . So she tells me I feel that you just don't care . She tells me about as a pertain to the kids . Kids are grown and I said honey , thank you so much for sharing that .
I'm really grateful that you are sharing what you're feeling with me . So I learned that strategy years ago from a therapist , a marriage counselor , because I want to create a safe space for her and I want you to know that we are just processing this thing differently . And here's how I'm processing this .
I look at this stage in our life where I'm raising men and , as much as I love for the kids to be close to us , I have to raise leaders that will lead their own home , and I cannot do it if I am carrying them and babying them , because one day they're going to have to walk in the shoes that I'm walking in .
So we're processing this thing a little differently . Yes , do I want the kids close to us ? Absolutely do I want . This is the stage . The difference is that I'm looking at this stage in our life , that this is the stage where the kids are taking off and they're creating their own lives . This is where we are . Do I love them Absolutely ?
That doesn't mean I don't love them , babe . That just means that I have a different perspective of the way I'm trying to teach my boys , especially my boys . I have three boys and a girl . I can't teach my boys by constantly telling them come and stay home with me . I got you , I'm going to take care of your bills , I'm going to pay for your car .
Can't do that , babe , because one day they're going to have to be in my shoes and they're going to have to lead their home . I can't teach them that if I'm coming from that space . Love you dearly . Thank you so much for sharing . I love them , but I love them in my own way .
I'm trying to raise men and I'm trying to raise leaders , men that can lead their homes . Not that I don't love them dearly . I'd love for everybody to be close Absolutely .
When I shared some of our future visions and I said we talked about this stuff and you know that the vision that we have big land and multiple houses and this is a vision , a dream that we have , what we can have in kids . Ultimately , it's not up to us , it's up to them . They have their own life . What happened ?
And the story is when I left you're married for so long . You say I love you to each other . You've been married 15 years . Your wife will say I love you , babe , or whatever , but there's a special I love you that you know is coming from a different place . You know what I'm talking about , adam .
This morning she said I love you , but it was coming from a different . It was that special . I love you like thank you for leading , thank you for being who you are . You know what I mean . I felt that from her and I wanted to share that because I wanted to know if that's what you meant when you said being vulnerable yet not being weak , 100% .
There's two things that you did there which is fascinating . One is , yes , taking the time to stop and take the counsel of that woman who's beside you the ear advisor , that right and to listen to her , the person who's got her ear to the ground , the person who's connected with the kids and their emotions and she's bringing you data and information .
You stepped in , you listened , you didn't collapse into it , but then what you did second to it was just fascinating and I have to train so many men to do this is you shared context with her for something that wasn't building a solution on the spot .
It was so that she would understand , and this is something that women rave from men , and I have men come in . I had a gentleman come in maybe six months back .
He ran his own business amazing at sales , incredible business owner , just phenomenally wealthy and his wife , 20 years , could not stand him anymore and it was about to divorce him , Not because he was bad , but because he was so closed off . She couldn't dig thoughts or opinions or ideas out of him and he would share nothing with her .
Don't worry , babe , I got it . Don't worry , babe , I got it . Don't worry , babe , I got it . Things like that , just shutting her down . And you must , as you did , share context with the woman in your life so she understands what you're doing . Keep in mind that women want to help enhance your mission because it's their mission to , it's their legacy to .
You're building it together . That's what they have hitched their cart to your horse for is to co-create a legacy with you . If they do not know what you're doing on the inside , what you're thinking , what you're building , if they don't understand why , then they are your vice president , 100% in the dark .
They're the first mate of your ship , and you won't let them see the charts . They don't know where you're going , they don't know how long it's going to take , they don't know how to manage the crew . They don't have any idea what to do . You're just telling them to sit there quietly and let you do everything , and they don't want that .
A good man leads his wife by showing her what's happening , by speaking with her , by taking her counsel again not collapsing into her , but by listening to her and then helping direct her into that shared mission together . That's what you did and that's why she gave you that special . I love you .
That's a skill that men must learn if they want a good marriage .
I 100% agree , man . There was a woman that taught me this too , my friend . It was a woman therapist . I'm really thankful for her because I've had my challenges .
I've been 27 years , 21 years , marriage , having to have figured this stuff out , got kicked out of the house multiple times for doing baby things , just being immature and not being able to take conversations . I mean 10 years ago , 15 years ago , that conversation would have gone horribly wrong .
I would have gone on super defense mode or you don't understand me , you just being a mommy , I just would have been super defense mode and I would not have known how to articulate myself and create that safe space for her . Here's one thing I've learned is to create a safe space for your woman to challenge you without you feeling offended . That's an art .
It took me years to create that safe space because there was so much attack attack if there was any criticism . How does a man create a safe space in their relationship for their woman to help them be a good help mate for them ? Because I found that my woman is my biggest cheerleader and it's my biggest motivator .
If I have the right setup , when your woman is by your side , you know , man , you feel like you could take her on the world right . Nothing can stop you .
I love this . I love this so much . I had a male client come to me about a year ago and his wife was constantly at his throat , questioning him on everything . I will say she wasn't wrong on some of the things , but she was going really extra hard , more than was appropriate . He was about ready to divorce her because he said she's the problem .
I sat him down and I said well , let's talk about this . How have you responded to her challenges throughout the course of your marriage ? He said well , I used to just be silent . Then I told her I didn't like it and I pushed her away , and now I just kind of yell back at her when she does it .
I said well , okay , if your woman has joined you on your journey and you have , essentially , you've hired a vice president of operations here and she is supposed to work under you , you have given her a job to do . She is now coming to you ,
¶ Leadership, Marriage, and High Value Men
the president , and asking you for information and asking you for guidance and getting clarity on vision . At first you were just quiet and said nothing until she walked out of your office . Then she reached a point where you were kind of barking back at her and telling her not to think about it and to just go sit in her office .
Now you're actively yelling at it . Why do you , as the president of a company , think this is the right way to run a company ? Would this bankrupt your company or would your company be great ? He said no , Adam , this would bankrupt my company . I said okay , how do you run things with your second in command at your office at your company ?
He said well , no , I'm very clear . We have meetings . We have meetings every week . I update on what the vision is . I update on how we're going forward . They report to me on things that aren't well . They challenge me on areas where my any stopped . And he froze and I said yes , because that's their job . And how do you respond to them ?
And he said I thank them for it and I talked to him about it and we build a plan to address it and the company gets better . And I said that's what your wife is angry at you for is you have spent 20 years with her treating her like garbage for doing the job you hired her to do . So he said well , what do I do ? I said two things .
Number one make sure that your woman is actually the kind of person who wants to help you on your mission . Make sure she's not out there to destroy you , right ? She's not just trying to direct you . She doesn't have massive personal problems . She has decent attachment . She's actually there to care for you and your children . He said well , check , Check on that .
She's great finances , she's taking care of everything I've given her , she's great with the kids . It's just between us where it's awful . I said okay , so you've got a good woman . The problem is you , Okay . Number two , treat your wife exactly the way you would treat your second in command at work Same level of respect and gratitude and attentiveness .
You don't collapse and make them the leader , but you don't beat them up for doing their job either . Start treating your woman like your right hand , like your second in command . Give her tasks , Thank her for doing them and if she brings you problems , really dig into that problem .
If she's bringing you problems and showing you issues that are happening in the family , that means that she does care and that means that you need to attend to that . She is your second in command . She is the person who is there to help you and assist you and advise you . If you are punishing her , punishing her for doing the job you have hired her for .
You are a bad leader . So new rule for men at home If it would bankrupt a business , it will bankrupt your marriage . If it would make your business flourish , it will make your marriage flourish . Lead your woman , give her those tasks , invite her input .
If she's bringing you those problems , Listen Really , take them in , Ask questions , Understand what's happening , Find solutions . Show her the man that you are . That will build your marriage .
Man , I love that because you're talking about leadership . You're talking about really being a leader . I got two questions . I want to be respectful of your time
¶ Essence and Role of Masculinity
before we go . In one of your podcast episodes you were talking about , there's this theory and we talked about Tate a little bit here on this podcast .
You mentioned them a few times about high value men and what it means , and I like for you to give your take on that a little bit here , because I think it all kind of encompasses together what is with attachment theories and , mr Nice Guy , what is your definition of a valuable man , of a high value man , in your opinion ?
I hate this concept on the internet of high value man is high value because he has cash , he is hot and women want to sleep with him . That's not a high value man . That is a man who has a bunch of resources and gets a lot of attention , but that may not be a man who leaves a lasting impact that improves the world around him .
Keep in mind that the purpose of masculinity , we're not created in a vacuum . Man didn't just walk up out of the sea one day and say , all right , here I am , I'm a man , I'm going to go , get a bunch of money , drive a fast car and sleep with a bunch of women . Man came about . He is a leader . He is here to govern with love and care .
He is here to lead his wife and provide shelter and safety so that she , in turn , can lead and nurture those children who , in turn , will grow up and become men and women in their own right . We have personal sovereignty .
A high value man learns throughout the course of his life personal sovereignty so that he is truly the master of himself and his fear does not control him , for example . But then he uses that personal sovereignty to shelter others , to build something , to create something , he becomes what I have called a Hammurabi man .
Hammurabi was the leader of Babylon and he posted throughout his city pillars with the laws of his city . And if you wanted to live safely in his city you simply had to follow these rules . And if you followed these rules you would be safe . And if you broke the rules , the discipline was listed on the pillar of what would happen .
So everybody there was governed by his code and everybody there was kept safe by his purpose . Back to the beginning of this conversation , we had A high value man maintains personal sovereignty and cares for others through sheltering and providing so that they can grow into the best versions of themselves . That is a high value man .
That is so powerful , adam , that is so freaking powerful because there's , like you said , that misconception on the internet cars and money and houses and it's like , okay , as a man , do I want to be around you if you have all of those things but you have no integrity , you have no self-control , you mistreat women , you don't protect the elderly , you don't do
the right thing , you don't keep your word . I could care less how much money you have , I could care less . Dude means nothing to me . All of that means nothing .
If you stand for nothing , if you have no integrity , if you don't stand for what's right and you don't do what's right and you don't stand for something positive , well , whatever positive means to me or that individual right . So to me , that whole high value man thing that's online , it's a hoax . It's a hoax .
I want to ask you , what advice are you giving to the Gen Zers , these really young guys , man , that just they don't have that masculine guidance ? They're being told it's okay to be whatever you want to be . It's okay if you want to cry , it's okay if you want to be this , it's okay if you like . Look , you and I are both grown , mature men .
Here's what we know right . Here's what I know as a man . A man feels most as a man when he is providing , he is being useful , he is contributing in a positive way . Now , that's not an easy thing to do . That could be contributing in your household leadership , just doing those things .
When society tells you it's okay to just be playing video games all day , it's okay To wear a dress and act like a lady , these young men , I think intrinsically inside their soul they know it's not okay . I believe that because I'm a man , you're a man , we , we know that doesn't doesn't make us feel right .
We feel most like men when we're doing the hard things and the hard things are those things that we just talked about when it's uncomfortable .
Modern men are more alienated from each other than men have ever been throughout history , and men are designed to share Solutions together and to build things together . Men thrive together , but we're more separated than ever .
I was reading some recent research that says two-thirds of young people report in high levels of loneliness and One-third of young people report so much crushing loneliness every single day that they wish they were dead one third . So young men today are more alienated but ever been at any point fairly in history .
Now couple that with the fact that , like I said earlier , we are living in a post societal collapse . We are . They may not look like it , you can still get McDonald's and you can still watch Netflix , but the society itself has collapsed . So , gen Z guys out there , you are living in the rubble of better civilizations . What has happened throughout history ?
When men face that circumstance ? Let's give men a quest . Okay , rome .
Rome was founded by men Wandering around in the wilderness with nowhere to go , and one man , as the legend goes , declared the village of Rome to be a new place and Pulled in every foreigner and every Wanderer and every outlaw he could find , and they banded together as men to build a new place for them .
And Then they expanded and expanded and grew and became one of the mightiest Empires the world has ever seen , so that two thousand years later , we still build roads the same way that they taught taught us to build . Our armies are structured the way they built them .
Everything is built on the back , in many ways , of the Roman Empire here in the West , and it started with a bunch of lonely , unwanted men wandering in the ruins and the wilderness . That is young men's quest today is to band together with other men who are desperate desperate for your brotherhood .
You become a masculine man and you connect with other men and you sharpen each other and you find the pathway forward for everybody . That is your quest and you will find brothers on the way .
Love that . I love that . Thank you so much , my friend , for for coming on the podcast and sharing so much Insightful wisdom and all of these nuggets you shared with us . Thank you so much .
My final question is is there something I didn't ask you , that I should have asked you , that would provide value To myself and my listeners , that you haven't shared yet ?
Really good question lonely young men or men who just can't find a woman to love you , if you're afraid of being alone forever and that no woman will ever want you , women respond resoundingly to strong , authentic masculinity that comes with direct communication and a desire to protect and shelter others with integrity .
If you have that , you will pull in more female attention than you will know what to do with and you can build a family and you can build friendships and you can stop being lonely . And to make that work you must fix attachment issues , which it's almost certain that you have . One and two chance 50-50 .
Fix your attachment so that you can live securely and confidently and you will be a person who draws other people to you because of your Couldn't say it any better ?
my friend Couldn't say it any better . That's awesome . That's awesome If people wanted to connect you . They wanted to find you . They wanted to join your tribe . They wanted to bring you on as their coach . Where do they find you ? How can they connect you ? Connect with you , adam , give it to us please .
I am online at adam lanesmithcom , my website . You can find a Ridiculous amount of information on my YouTube channel , where I am at attachment Adam . I'm also at attachment Adam over on Instagram . I am at Adam Lane Smith on Twitter and I'm even on TikTok as at attachment bro for the younger generations .
You will find all of that information All over those websites and all over my personal website . For coaching , I have a private mentorship community . I have the attachment bootcamp video course that shows you how to fix your attachment and 10 clear steps . I have books . I have everything you need to make this next step in your journey .
Do not hesitate , invest in yourself and move forward as the man you need to be .
Awesome guys . Make sure you go check him out . Really appreciate you guys listening . Adam , thank you for coming on . Make sure you guys follow his content and your podcast . I don't think you mentioned your podcast . Go check out his podcast . He's got some good stuff there , guys . So if you're listening to my podcast , that means your podcast listener .
Make sure you go hop on over to his podcast and If this information resonates with you , go check his out , because he's got some really good stuff there . Make sure you check out that episode . I really enjoyed that episode with you and Sarah on High value man . I can remember high value women or something like that .
You guys Labeled it , but I found that episode really interesting . A couple others , but that one was really cool . Guys , make sure you go over there and check out his podcast . Good stuff , adam . Thank you so much for being here . My friend really really appreciate you . Thank you for having me here . It's been an honor .