Tit Snake

might just miss it. I was so relieved. Um, last night my friend sent me a message just like off and talking about her daughter's Valentine's and I was like, oh, right, that's the thing. I have to do that now. There's so many things to do. Um, So I got Brinson like four dollar Valentine's from the CVS, but on my list for a while, I knew. I knew that that's something we would have to do, not the day before. I can't count on him to write twenty one names

in a single day. So so thank you for doing that. And boy, we had time to do it today because Brent has a fever. Yeah, fun stuff. I stay at home all day. It was very easy. He's not super sick. He loves TV. You watched he watched Pinocchio, and then he watched The Emperor's New Groove. Then he watched Robin Hood, and he watched Fox from the Hound, And then when I got home, Maven was watching Wally Well. Then he watched Rattatui and then he started watching Before Are there

in this day? That's like the longest day. He watched five full length movies. We also into the bank. We went to the store I don't know actually, and we got all of his Valentine's cards prepared and written and folded in an envelope. I don't think there's that many hours in a day. You know, if you make TV a priority, it's really incredible what you can do, you can accomplish if you really stay set your mind to it. Um. Well, Brent's reviews are in. You know what his favorite movie

of all those was? What? I guess you don't remember a single one. I remembered two of them, Um ratati um. It was Robin Hood. Although I think maybe I asked him the question before he watched Ratty, so you might be right, Yeah, I might be so brin after ten days of um, what's it called antibiotics? Is im me at least sick again, just just a fever. It's probably my fault because I did take them outside the home yesterday, so I don't take them out the walls. That's where

that's where it happens. I will say. Our kids get these little fevers that are not that bad compared to like, I feel like everyone I've been talking to seems to be getting the flu or something really gross this year, and we've knock on would managed to avoid that. We haven't had anything terrible. You just had some gross rashes and ear infections and things just tigo and double in tigo. I don't know how to say it. I don't know how to say it. Anything double ear infection, inexplicable vomit

what that happens fairly recently with may Ben. But Britain boy, he is sick, like he was so like sweet, you know that kind of sick where he just gets tired and he just like wanders into where I am and then sits dound next to me and just like stares at the wall and then slowly just puts his head down on my leg. I'm just like brit not coming in to give a monologue. Yeah, he like wakes up monologueing. He's like, today is Monday, and we're doing this even

when he doesn't want to go. No, I don't want to wake up because today's day four in this library, day when that was yesterday, and I don't like pe and don't give me one Friday before he's opened his eyes. Yeah, but tonight he crawled into bed with me and just fell asleep before bedtime. So I know that he is thick. That in the hundred one temperature he had all day m hmm, and he didn't go to the doctor, did eat food. It was like one point zero did he

eat food? I packed him a lunch and so he had his packed lunch, but he did not eat very much. I kept just trying getting water, and you had a little. He had some dinner. But he's this thick boy. Maven's

just stubborn. She um, I didn't tell you this, but like I don't know half hour ago, hour ago, she woke up or never had fallen asleep, and she's like making noise in there after crying a lot when you put her into bed, and then I went in there and she was like she keeps saying this like pouty thing where she's like just won't move and like doesn't like and like. And so she walked over her pajama drawer and she opened it and just kept kind of doing that, and I was like, what do you want?

And she like, I wanted to put her pajamas on? And I was like, okay, fine, because you because we put her to bed in her clothes, which are comfortable clothes, she's wearing out of it. There was basically jams and Britain was already in bed till the lights were out when we came up. Anyway, but I don't know if she had, like, I feel like part of her just like didn't feel right, not in her pajam It was it was not a regular routine. It's like, yeah, she's

very into that tactile experience. Both of them want to want to tell you how things work. Yeah. Um, for dinner tonight, I played We played a trivia where I gave them both math problems. You would have hated it, but I loved it. And up, Matt, Maven's pretty good at math. What kind of math problems were you? In? Two? She figured it out. I mean she has to look at her fingers and put them together. But she's I mean,

that's math. She figured it out. That's you know, I don't know if you know this, but putting up fingers and put them together. For our listeners, what Peters explaining is if you put up your finger and put them together, that's okay. For example, three plus two, hold three fingers up on one hand and two on the other, and then just push them close to each other and then you'll see that there's five fingers. That's really all math is. Math is math is fingers. Um. Cool? Yeah, what else

happened this week? I feel like I'm living in such a blur now, although I think our things have finally started to settle down around here a little bit. You're back, I'm back. You tell us about your book, your whirlwind book release party, really great being away from really great whirlwind. I I had fun. We had a really great book party at um this lesbian bar and babes babes um and what else. People who are like people are when of them away, are always like, so do your kids

to see you? Do you really miss your kids? Like stuff like that, And I was like, no, it's two nights. They barely noticed him gone, Like I because I sometimes get home after bedtime from work. It's like, doesn't register to them that I've been Oh they missed you. Um, they tell me all about it. They tell me how much I am not suitable for their needs. What did they They usually don't register, though, I feel like, what did they say? I want? Mommy? They love you the

light of their life the world. And I get it because I feel the same. Thank you, that's all you acknowledge. Um, But well, maybe hold on, can we talk about the fact that you got a tattoo? Oh? Yeah, Well I got a tattoo while I was the way and Maven says that it's not a tattoo because when she feels it, it's flat, and she said, that's nothing. That's not a tattoo. Um. I explained to them that it's permanent. And I said,

what's permanent mean? I was like forever? And then Brin like like see him piecings together like mommy chose to have a thing on her arm forever. Then he goes, but when will it wash off? Like it doesn't it's a real tattoo. Well, it's funny. So the tattoo I got. Um. For those of you who don't follow me, on Instagram. You'll have to buy the book. You'll have to buy the book. But it's it's it's an illustration from me

and Jackie's book. There's no manual, honest and Cory wisdom about having a baby, and it's Um, it's based on the Benjamin Franklin political cartoon of the Colonies when it says Joe join or die. But ours it's a snake that's chopped into thirteen pieces like the Colonies, right, yeah, yeah, but our version has a bunch of boobs all over it. So it's a lady snake. Yeah, it's it's got little eyelashes. And when Brin like, what my sister is asking about it?

Brenn kept trying to explain it, and he was like, she was like, it's a cut up snake. It's a cut up snake. Like, he's not wrong, He's not wrong. It's a cut up snake. Um. The weird thing is is that you and Jackie told me about the tattoos while recording last week's podcast, and it did not register in my brain that that it was a real thing. Yeah, you thought it was a joke. No. For some reason, I think I was just so wrapped up in the

tech and the recording. Yeah, you were a little like detached last week as we're we I think we're all very tired and trying to record remotely the telephone has a delay. Um, but yeah, it was fun until Jackie sent me a picture your arm and I was like, mhmm, Yeah, that seems like something Beth wouldn't tell me about until it's over because she doesn't want my opinion on it. And that's fine. Yeah, it's the most you thing you've

ever done. Well. The thing is, sometimes I even though I know I don't I'm not going to consider someone's opinion. It's very hard two listen to people's opinions. Oh I know, I mean I don't know. I under I know that about you. I can't say that I understand it because my brain doesn't work at all. I need validation. But

there's no judgment. I mean I think I used to judge you feel like you said in a like a recent episode where you're like, I just don't think about what people think of me, And I was like, I feel like it's not entirely a woman thing, but I do think it's not. It doesn't help being a woman that everyone expects you to care about their feelings all the time, and so I feel like it's sort of a privilege that you don't have that wired into your brain.

On a deep, uncomfortable level, it's totally different. I don't remember the context of me saying that, but it is a lie. If I if I said I don't care what people think, but I think I can let things go,

I can let more pass through me. I'm working on it, You're doing it, doesn't I think what doesn't help is that I really am like I can feel what people are feeling in any moment, regardless of what they're saying, and it's really hard to tune out of that and be like I'm just like great, I know you are judging me. Um anyway, sometimes I just like to do stuff without talking to anyone about it. Because what did you did you think that I would not want you

to get a tattoom. I don't think I didn't think you would say that. I think you would be like, well, it's a thing you can do, like it would there would be like imply judgment, Like when I texted when I texted you the photo of it, you texted back and said, I love you. And I was with Jackie and she was like, what did he say when he showed him? And she I thold, I told her what he said. Then she laughed because she was like, it's just so implied. It's like, I love you in spite

of this thing. Either way. Texted that to me and you went you want to know? Went through went through my mind? What I said. There is nothing I could say that won't be interpreted that way. So my reply I was like, I want to I Beth didn't tell me. She's going to assume that I'm judgment all about this, so I'm literally just going to it in the most positive way I possibly could. I liked the reply, but

it was just very funny. I know that's so. I mean, that was my intention is to show you that I support you, but I understand it might have come across this mar my flesh. Um I support yeah, um yeah. There There would be a different time in my life where I think you told me at one point you think my game tattoo a long time ago, and my reaction was like, why would why would Why did you

want to do that? Because I wouldn't. But I'm not you, yeah, and you're not me We've since had to discuss a lot of things about my body and what how I wanted it to go down with my own body. What we've had to to Aldren. Oh, yes, yes, we have talked about yours about my body have been the subject of much discussion. I thought about it more than I had at one point in my life. Yeah. Um, well,

it's a funny. It is a perfect tattoo for you thematically, Um, it also looks really cool and then you look close and you're like, oh, this is absurd. That's got like a bunch of little titties on it. I'm sorry, that's how I want people to look at me and be like, this looks really cool. Oh, this is absurd. I'm really uncomfortable with how many times I've said the word titties tonight. What a terrible word. Well, how else do you describe snake breasts? Well, as Jackie said, it's a tad snake

and there just what it is. I think it's funny. It's funny that like a lot of people like whenever you're kind of a woman doing anything, whenever you're kind of a woman doing anything, men like to come over and observe the curiosity of women. And so when I was getting the tattoo by Jackie's mom friend who was really cool tattoo artist in Richmond, these guys would wander over who worked there and just like inspect the tattoo and then not say a word and walk away. You know,

they're thinking it's na Yeah, they're like tiss snake. I think I was really thinking it tonight, Like I was like, I feel like I don't know if it was this tattoo or what, but I was out tonight and I felt like these guys were eyeing me in a weird way, and I was like, oh, it's like it doesn't matter how like grotesquely feminist anything you do, men will somehow reinterpret it as like an invitation for them, like they're you know, like it's just it's just like there's something

very confused thing about first of all, breasts on a reptile, but breast on a snake, which is which is our thing? It's very phallic. Yeah, it's a big penis a snake. I don't think a snake is your thing? Is snakes are associated with like Eve and like evil women, Medusa. But you can have that too. Fine, we can't even be evil anymore. Fine, you can be evil. I'm just saying.

It's very phallic a snake, but it's also it's a it's a flaccid penis, So it's evil and angry and we and then you put boobs all on it, and so it's it's a symbol. It's a symbol of emasculation. That's what how they read it. I was going for I don't believe anything I'm saying. I'm just going for it anyway. Um, it's really turned me into very very sexy woman. And now it's time for do you know what they said? What they're saying? Do you know? Do you know what they said? Um? This is where we

dropped some quotes from our kids. That's where we dropped some quote them. Um, so my sister was here and I was in the other room, and Brynn was like getting himself a drink or something in the in the kitchen, and we heard like a clatter, and then he goes, why do I always get a problem with cups? It's very true. That's I call I call that character, Uncle Bren. What's it? What's up with me and cups? Yeah, that's been happening a lot where he pulls out a gallon

of milk that he's not strong enough. He doesn't understand that two inches of milk is a different weight than a full gallon of milk. Right, He's just it's like he's a child, so it's almost like he's five. He's so bad at it. Yeah, it trys crazy. Um um, Yeah, that's all I had for that quote. Say it again. Why do I always got a problem with cups? What do I always got a problem with cups? That's his first album right there. Yeah, they're going hard on towards

independence these days, they're going hard toward independence. Yeah, in their own ways. Um Bryn, Oh gosh, I don't think I already talked about this, but you know, he's it's dawning on him that we're moving, and he's blabbing to everybody about the fact, because you know, we're moving to Brooklyn. Oh you didn't hear we're moving to Brooklyn, m A. And um. We visited his new school. It's a smaller

school and every there's a lot of kids sick. When he went and visited, and he noticed that the class had like eight kids in the class and there's only one boy. And he was so scared. I didn't think you really registered that. But later, no, I think he registered it because you set it out loud in front of him. You really his class is only going to have like two boys. No, no, no, I never said it. He I said that after he brought it up to me. This is a while ago, because he started saying, am

I going to be here for this birthday? This my friend's birthday? And he goes, well, I'm only going to have one friend that the boy. And I was like why, and then it dawned at me, the oh there was one bull that class, And I selfishly want him to be in a class. Holy girl, Well, I mean I want him to have like being a boy is like an important thing to him in this moment. Yeah, you know, I don't want him to have no boys in his class.

I just like the heavy ratio. It's gonna be the thing, you know where it's so we have no idea what this mix of kids is going to be. And it's going to be a smaller group, um because it's a newer school. So the older grades, um, which is when he goes up to second grade right now, uh, is smaller. So there could be you know, four boys in the class. I was in a class when I moved to Minnesota,

I was in a three, four or five class. It was a weird like progressive mix them all up to teachers had grades one through five, and one class had one two and half of three, and the other class had the other half of three and four and five. And then you'd they'd switched teachers during the day. It was just a sort of it's called continuous progress. So you had they were like and a one and a two and one to learn. Uh no, you were with the same two teachers for five years, and it was

this you know, that's a bad idea. It was a bad It didn't work for me because there were three boys my age and ah, and so I remember going home crying every day because the girls made fun of me. Very traumatic childhood. You've had, um. They called me Petriot, the portable party. I think we've discussed this on this podcast. The trauma of my childhood the incredible. I don't want to continue tie about it because I know it's so hard.

Free I'm strong now, Okay, Petrie. It's probably two days of my life that I stretched out as the whole into the whole year, it's really become a defining moment of your life. I um back to the topic of our children trying to express their independence. Maven has asserted herself this week in her desire to grow out her bangs. That's right, mom, Like, she wants to look like me.

I'm like, I'm weirdly shocked by this because I remember deciding at like age five or six that I was done with bangs and I wanted to grow them out, and I thought they were like baby ish, and so the fact that Mayven is having this epiphany at three feels like very mature to me, And I'm like, how

are you so aware? Like she's been trying to She's been talking about getting rid of her banks for a while, like every haircut, and she thought we should cut them off, and then we've explained to her over and over again that you have to grow them out, and she now she's determined to do that. Like she's like, I don't want bangs, I want to look like mommy, which is very flattering. Yeah, well, I don't think it's it's not the she doesn't associate them with being baby ish. No,

that was my baggage, my bank. I mean give it a couple of years and she'll get there, but by then that that's how long it takes to grow banks. I am like, part of me is like, oh, she looks so cute with bangs. But I also am like' so impressed that she has an opinion that I'm like, sure, grow out your banks, um. But it's just so funny. It's just so maven that she's like so aware of this at three. I don't know how it came up, Like one of us must have asked her at some point.

I think it's just the process of her, Like when I was like trimming her bangs and stuff and talking about her bangs, she like this realization that not everyone has banks. Boy, I went to a bad barbershop. Yeah, our kids got some not great haircuts. They're fine, They're fine. They're not straight or even better than what our kids looked like before they went to get their haircut. They

look good, They're fine. I went there and this place this happened to me before, where I made a reservation and then I showed up at the right time an appointment rather and uh, I waited an hour. I was like, why did I have an appointment? And then I watched, so I didn't make one. I just showed up and

they're like, yeah, go ahead, you're next. It was eleven o'clock that we sat down as this smaller kid was finishing up, and then this family arrived and they had an eleven o'clock appointment and they said, okay, just wait and there's one barber. Um. I get it though, like when you're in the kid's haircut business, it's got to

be like feast or famine. And so there's like most days of week, no one's walking in there, and then all of a sudden, there's all these tired parents running in on a Saturday morning and like they're like, yeah, yeah, I just come in now. We'll try to squeeze you all in because that's their payday, that's when they cash in on kids. But they have zero customers. Are that

no one's going, we'll try to squeeze you in. They just said okay, great and they gesture over and I just hear this parent, this couple next to us, being so stressed, like did you make an appointment at eleven? Yeah? And then both these people ahead of this like, yes, should we go have lunch and come back. I'll go ask, and he goes, if we go to lunch, and they had to explain if they go to lunch and we

come back, will we have our place? And this woman just kept being like, yeah, you can come back if you want. And they realized like, oh this, he's not making any promise. No one's gonna make any effort. Another couple came in and they were like, oh, is it gonna be a while? Can I come back at And she goes sure, And that was like so many people are gonna walk in and people did? I saw exactly. I respect that the like that she's like, this is my business model. You you either accept it or you

don't see. The thing is that it's not even that deliberate. It's just, oh yeah, each haircut takes fifteen minutes. I haven't noticed that all of them take thirty five mm hmmm, I don't know. And then Berne Guy's haircut and I told this woman, I was like, sure it was shortened up the sides in the back, let's we can keep the top of the longer. He's got a lot of

cow licks. And she goes okay, and she does the back insides and did not touch his bangs, which went down, passed into his eyes, and then I realized, oh, this woman does not speak literally a word of English. You know, she's tired. She's making like twenty bucks of haircut or whatever. I don't know. I gave her a good tip, but then I was I had to be like, hey, could you do the bangs? And I felt bad because the couples almost their turn. It was stressful. Well it all

worked out. M That's how I feel this week. Well, I think, you know, something's going on astrologically. And then today was the day where you could stand a broom on its end because the gravity was so strong according to NASA or something. Did you see that what people on social media were like standing brooms like on the bristle end, like upright and they would just like stand

because gravity stronger. I don't know. I never, like, I just saw people sharing pictures and then I never during the course of the day saw like the original source material. So it could be a total scam or it could drill. You're just describing the Internet, aren't you. I am? But boy I am. This next segment is called would you Knows? It's where we present each other with parenting hypotheticals. Okay, Beth, you ready for this. I've written to would you know scenario?

I warn you it's very stupid. Okay, So this is the future. Maven is a full grown adult as his brit. But Maven comes to you and says, she she gives you the news that she found out that she's unable to have her own children. Um, she's wait, she gives me the news, she tells you. Um. And so she's jumping on a new fad that's happening, you know, because it's twenty thirty five ish around there, um, which is

cloning has become a big thing. Okay, So she's twenty three, and let's say she's thirty Okay, okay, and cloning has become normal. Seven years from now, cloning becomes completely normal. Yeah. It starts in like two years, and we all freak out about it, and then enough people do it and we're like we're just like whatever, whatever. Everyone's a clowne. Their clones are like egg egg accounts on Twitter, and we're like we're people to just the new avatars. I

love the way this world is going. So Maven tells you she's very excited. She comes up and goes mom I'm going to be a mom and um, I'm having a baby and I've decided it's a clone of you. Wow, And she's looking at you expecting you to be excited. This is what scares me about her love of me sometimes, as I'm like, I'm like, did I train her to be this way? Like? Am I this much of a narcissist? That I made her think that she's supposed to be

obsessed with me? Do you know what I mean? Like, that's like because you don't even you don't even know that your natural mode is hard to get so our kids are are thirsty for your presence. Yeah. Um, but I think if she had to clone me, like and I'm this, this is twenty seven years from now, I'm fifty, no, sixty one. And that was really impressive actually that I just did that math. I didn't check it. It just sounded about right. Okay, So I'm in my sixties. I've got,

you know, any thirty years left on this planet. At most, I like cloning a new me. It's not going to be me, it's going to be a new person that happens to share my jeans. I gotta say, so far, you're taking this pretty well. I Here's where it worries me is that I am not an ideal genetic specimen in terms of health and wellness. Um, you know, like, but you made it to sixty one, so you and I look great. I mean it's implied, but in this scenario, you look great. I do because my daughter is like,

I want to raise someone who ages like that. Yeah. Um, but seriously, you look you. Every day i've known you, you're You've looked more beautiful than the last continued. The thing is, my body is so beautiful, but it's not holding up right overall. You know, allergies, thyroid cancer, it's seasonal depression. It's not like three year old of me things you do it just vibe well. Yeah, but on the inside, UM, I don't. I wouldn't like in the future where we have the ability to clone people, I

wouldn't necessarily wish these genes on to someone. Yeah, but that's not why she's doing it. Yeah, I mean it would be weirder if she owned herself. Boy, what that's something that would be weirder. Weirder. I think I'm gonna I'm gonna do it right this time. My parents sucked it up and I'm gonna raise me the way I wish I had been raised. There's part of me that's into it because like raising Maven, I see so much of my face in her and some other characteristics in

terms of like personality traits. But like watching her grow up makes me like it feels like I'm I learned to love myself in a way that is difficult, where like I'm like, oh, like those cheeks are cute, Like that's like, that's a cute person who looks like me.

I guess I don't look disgusting like like, it's just as a woman, I feel like most of us are just so trained to be like, well, everything about me is wrong and bad and should have been fixed and like so to see a smaller version of yourself like and to love it on unquestioningly, Yeah, to love it like, I think that would be an interesting exercise and like, if that's part of my fate on this planet, I guess I'll hear. Oh boy, that's the ultimate therapy, is

to raise your own clone baby, to realize that you're beautiful. Yeah, because of course we would look at a lot but wonderful. I mean, you've watched the episode of Disney pluses Encore where they make they hold up a hedge, So okay, so you haven't watched Encore. They remount us high school production of a Way thirty years later with the original cast, and so it's like a high school reunion where they come back and do the show and it's a perfect concept.

But they do this segment where they hold up a picture of themselves from like high school or they like imagine high school and like what would you say? And everyone always just starts bawling. But this is the ultimate version of that. My friend Annie is starting a website where women or anyone can write letters to their former selves. Um. It's coming out in March. I think it's called Dispatch

from the Daybreak. Um. And I've read some of her samples from when she was doing the letter collecting and it's like so emotional, O my god. Um, Like I read this one from this woman I know who was writing to her pre sober self and it was just like, I don't know, it's like such a powerful reminder of like how much we change over the course of like ten twenty years or whatever. Like it's just like, oh, like things felt so horrible at that point. And then

you get through it. Yeah, oh my god, it really is because I you watch it's exactly that segment of the TV show where you watch these people with their eyes closed and they're doing this like thought exercise. Like I look next to you and there you are in high school and you're right there that old haircut, and everyone just immediately with their eyes closed, like starts sobbing sobbing, and it's like, what what do you need to tell yourself? And everyone has the perfect thing to say, because no

one knows that person more than they do. And it's it's this like they're self deprecating but earnest, and it's not self congratulatory, and it's not self pitying because they've like because they've like personified themselves. Uh, it's this weird. It's so hard to mock. Yeah, it's beautiful. Yeah that's the word I ask playing for. What is the word? You know? Hard to mock? Beautiful? Um, so let's say may even does you're like, okay, great, have have my

clone baby? Ah, so you'll you'd see that clone become an adult and it would look exactly like you. Yeah. I would always be saying like confusing things to her like like in the guise of the those like letters to your form herself, like like it's okay, and she's like, no, it's fine. We all have like universal health care, and like like, no, listen to me. If Tony Miller invites you to the Hollywood video, don't go gamema, what are

you talking about? Hollywood Video? When I moved to New York City, there was a Hollywood Video three blocks for me. That's how long do I remember? Hollywood Video? Yeah? Blockbuster? Remember Blockbuster? I worked there for three summers. Great job. I just tried to remember the name of my town's independent video store, and it's gone. I was just about to say, you had legitimately a far off look on

your face. I was envisioning it in my mind, that warm feeling but going into your like a local, dingy little store. We had Hotline Video and we had box Office Video, and I would get him mixed up and I would sing the Blockbuster song for Blockbuster song. You to be Blockbuster video. Wow, What a difference. But I would sink box Office video, which is wrong, not that I'm thinking about it. Blockbuster video. Wow, what a difference difference from what your parents videos. Oh you know what

what I'm calling it. We're going to bed. Um. Yeah, there's been another episode of We Knows Parenting. Um, we're going out of town next week, so some I don't know. Oh. Check out Peter on the latest episode of High Maintenance on HBO. He has a very brief appearance. Blink and you'll miss it, baby, But don't blink and you'll love it. Don't blink for the whole episode and you'll love that. I'm there and I look like the guy, and that's

how I got the party. By my book, We Knows Knows what the title of the book is, That's what I'm saying. The title of the book is, there's no manual, honest and glory with him about having a baby. Where were you I books right now? Um, Please write us an email, send us some advice, ask us a question, send us so would you know scenario? Tell us about yourself,

tell us about a current parenting victory or failure. You can email us at we knows pot at gmail dot com, or you can leave us a voicemail at three four seven three eight four seven three. Find us on social media's Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, and We Knows Pod rate review, subscribe, rate my book on Amazon with five stars five stars, and say this book will destroy your lack of baby knowledge. Great, yeah, say that, Say that, and we'll see you next time, babe.