Stomp! Stomp! Clap!

are hearing the words that I'm saying. Yeah, that's so funny because I edit this so I hear that song every single week, literally never. If you've wondered where does that awesome theme song come from, it's made of State Mates of State, which I said this on the podcast before, But we're we're Mates of States fans back from our college days. We always have been. And when I was in college or just out of college, the female half of Mats of State, I think, what's her name, I

don't know, Carrie Wrong, I don't know. Um. She had a blog about like touring around with their kids, and I was like, actually found it really inspirational to be like a creative person can have a career and somehow make it work with children. They're married, they have kids, and they still do their thing. Yeah, they still do their thing and they let us use their themes. So they let us se themes. The story is incredible because we were sending you know, the folks over at the network.

We're like, hey, what do you want your theme song to be? Well, write it for you and Ago, Well, here's a bunch of music styles that we like, and we sound up a bunch of mates State and good old Chuck Bryant as tonal examples. Yeah, we said, here's the sound we're looking for. Everyone's favorite podcast host, Chuck Bryant from Selfishnell movie Crush just said, Oh, I'll just ask them. Of course he knows them. Of course we didn't know, and they they let us use it. Yeah,

that's the story of the theme song. Life is like a box of chocolates. You know what sometimes did you ask you'll get the chocolate? Well, it's called manifesting folks. Folks. Folks. Um, we started, we started using folks, and now we have to use it for the rest of this podcast. Alright, folks, alright, folks, what happened in this weekend? Are week in parenting? What happened in this week? So we're finally back in our home. We talked about that last week. No, yes, oh my gosh,

yeah we recorded here last week. Okay, but now we're like settled, and the bathroom is so nice. The bathroom is great. The lovely woman who UM comes twice a month to clean UM was very impressed with the bathroom. Yeah, she liked it. When she Yeah, she was like, oh, And I was like, she's so happy to clean a bathroom that doesn't have a rotting window sill. She's so happy to have a bathroom that's clean. Uble She's like, oh, you want me to clean this duct taped tile? Great? Um,

thank you. Yes. So we didn't mention this so long ago. This we knew that this bathroom. But there was a little soap dish in the tile wall of the shower and one day you put your foot on it to shave your legs, which is a reasonable thing to do, and the whole thing just ripped out of the wall. And so the solution was white du duct tape to cover the hole for three years and literally really all of the naked baby photos of our children over the past five years have been with a mildowy tile behind

them and the duct tape tile. The duct tape was surprised lasted a surprisingly long time without getting gross. I replaced it, probably replaced it twice, yeah again instead of getting it fixed. If I have one piece of advice for people for being poor, it's find the money for a duck team. Um. Yeah. Now the wooden window sill inside the shower that just was in the corner of the of this piece of wood, it was mostly as soft as a blanket. This would because it was completely

rotted away and causing a leaf. Because a blanket what a weird anoug is a blanket not soft. I feel like we've covered the state of our bathroom before, so we can move. Do you want to hear how I got to the logic about blanket because I was like, that's too soft, and then I was like a memory foam, and I was like stop too weirdly, Okay, So then

I said blanket. We so that happened. Um. Our Christmas presents are mostly packed away, although of course the box we shipped back some of our presents from Chicago and of like five boxes. The one that got lost was the one that included very expensive gift cards. Um can who knows what else we lost in there. We'll just never remember, at least the book some pantowels fancy soap.

But so my dad went to the post office where from which I mailed the boxes, because he has my same name, and I knew exactly what time I sent them, and I had of it from my credit card and the other boxes, and I was like, well, they can find the tracking number because they know exactly when we send it. Nope, they don't do that. No, of course they don't. It's the United States Postal Service. That's why they give you the long receipt and they circle the

thing and they say, this is your tracking number. This is now in your hands. But the thing that's crazy is the that data exists very easily in their system. Oh you mean the United States Postal Service has not hired Harvard's top data collectors to connect their systems. And you want bigger government? Is this what you want? Yeah? I do want bigger, want more post That made me sound a lot more Republican than let's not get on this bath. So our kids had second Christmas. Your parents

came down this weekend. My parents came down and um, they had some breaks is used in the last are They had a drop in the shop. Luckily it was not a huge deal. They got taken care of. Um. But we have a lot more presence. This is what's kind of stressing me out right now, is like as a virgo who's always scanning my surroundings for flaws, the we have too much stuff again, and we need to get rid of stuff. And I know it's just like to swear through all the toys is just such an

annoying chore. I secretly throw things away. I just do it. I don't tell anyone. I do that too, But like it needs an overhaul. It's we're a way, We're yeah, it's overdue. It's just there's just so much stuff. It's like, I think, what's frustrating, like for a lot of people. And I don't think our family is particularly bad about this. It's just that there's so many people who give you stuff.

But like I think our generation is like less likely to own a home, like a physical home, and like don't have as much space and don't have like like there are is a little more conscious of the environment, and our families still give us presents and you don't. You can't be like, hey, stop giving us things like it's hard to it's it's all still very very nice. It's nice, love it, but it's just as a sum total, it's so much stuff. The next day you're like, I

have no more cabinets. I mean someday, I guess we'll have like a playroom, but it still feels like more stuff than children can enjoy. Oh, the entire blanket is falling off the wall. Wow, did you see that happening? Yeah, after you started screaming about it, I could see it. I can see it dropping if you're just kind of a little echoly or around Beth. Because the incredible sound installation system I have, which is literally hanging blankets all

around us, we sound like a mess. What we're actually doing really well, everything we're good. Um, literally have a new bathroom that we've mentioned nine million times. Okay, so we my parents came. Oh so then on Sunday, my parents had to hang out because their car was being repaired because just classic family thing, their brakes started to fail.

It's such a classic family things. It's not classic my family thing that on the one day they're coming here, their brakes would stop working on their cars, so they like, um, they had to get their car fixed, and so they're barring our car. And then I took the kids after you left on Sunday to go to work. I took the kids to their hotel nearby, which has an indoor pool in it, which we know about because your parents stayed there and we went to that and so yeah,

but very warm. It is in that scenario, in like an indoor hotel pool that clearly like everyone is coming by, like just USA pool. I feel like I want there to be way too much chlorine. I mean that is that's their safety net, just kill everything. Yeah. I'm not usually like a big germophobe, but in that scenario, let's or not either. But it is. It's not like the pool ice woman every day. It's like a one time visit to like the most used pool in town. I save that pool for a long long time and it

really dried me out. Yeah that's part of the fun. But we took them to the pool um, which they love. But of course when we got there, the floor was wet. There's kids in the pool and Brin just like walking a little too fast, his heel just like skidded. He fell backwards, slammed his head into the ground and was crying, and it was like, I mean his butt hit first, so I was like, I don't think he has like a cushion, but it's like not something you ever want

to see happen to your kid's head. And then he calmed down and he seemed fine, and we played in the pool for a while, and then we're getting out of the pool and then Maven just standing there like barely even walking. She does the same thing and slams like the side of her head into the ground, what like just really hard like slams, and it's just like,

oh my god. And then she's like crying and like, you know, and I've talked about this in the past, how when we're with our families, they're not like as tuned into kids needs as we are. So while I'm trying to comfort throw me into that, well, I just think people who don't spend every single day of their life with our children are not as aware of their

quirks and videosyncrasies. So that's happening. And I'm looking over at Bryan, who like, because when this happened with Brint earlier, Maybe is just like stumbling around, and I was like, can you please just sit down like for once, you know, Like I'm just like they're both idiots. And so then well, in scenarios like this where I'm like, oh, great, people's

lives are in danger. Um, so then I'm conforting maybe, And while this is happening, Brin is like walking around and I was just like trying to comfort maybe, and my mom was like giving me a play by play of how she felt, and I was just like, can you watch him? Like he's just like wandering like and it was fine, he didn't fall, but I was just like,

I really thought this story was going towards a third fault. No, there wasn't a third fault, but I was just like, that's the scenarios that I find very frustrating in terms of just like you stupid kids, like just stop moving

for one second. It feels like in a video game, we walk into like a field of land mines and I'm like, okay, hey, you guys, there's this thing, and then they're just like blonder, like they're just it's like giving a kid a computer with a game of mind Sweeper open and just saying, hey, guess where the minds are. But I'm not going to explain the word. They just start clicking everywhere. It's like buying ice cream when my husband is home and expecting him not to devour it.

When I'm not like, well that's you, that's on you. No, you've told me as the victim. It's my pahl. Yeah, I said, don't bring ice cream into this house because we're all going to feel bad for different reasons. I don't I don't have any control. You're right, No, one shouldn't be held accountable for their own actions. I have an ice cream addiction and you don't respect that. You know what it's it's certainly back to not having enough

space for anything. It's circling back. Yeah. You know, my parents sent me that big tub of all my stuff, like from high school and stuff, and they're like, time for you to take this. We can't store it anymore. You mean like ten years ago? No, this was Yeah, it was like that we had less space and you know, they have a humongous house with a giant basement with a lot of space. I was like, I'm not going to complain but I think they can hold onto it until I have space. But I still don't have space.

We'll never have enough space for them parents. No, I just mean boomers belongings. Belongings. You mean our belongings that we're expecting our our boomers to hold on to us forever. No, I'm not expecting anything to be held onto um. And I don't have neither one of us do I don't have a lot of stuff from No, we have a lot of stuff, but it's not like from our childhood. I'm nostalgic for nostalgia. Nostalgia, i'd I'm nostalgic for things that could be nostalgic that I don't have anymore. What

I don't know. Actually, don't ask me to defend what I just said. I have no idea. Forget it. I'm sorry. What's um um? Oh boy, oh boy, it's okay. You know what it's We finally have a decade with an identity. You know what I mean? Wait, I forgot to actually tell you, like the best story of the week. Okay, Well, let's not look ahead to the year quite yet. Then go ahead. I'm sure you had something very important to say.

I'm not um, but I'm trying to find I was tweeting this that this week, but um, trying to find the streets. The So Bryn had a played it yesterday and his friend, one of his close friends, was over and they're like, you know, just saying weird stuff to

each other. I think, here's what I think happened. Brynn got a new book with extinct animals, and in one part there's like this weird marsupial tiger thing, um, and he I think maybe they were looking at that with like the baby's coming out of it, and one with the weird backward facing butt pouch. Yeah, that's the craziest thing I've ever seen, by the way. So Bryn's friend comes into the bedroom where I am and he walks in and he goes, when you were pregnant with Bryn,

did he come out your butt? And I was like, uh no. And then and then Bryn came in there like, well did you come out your but belly? And I was like he came out of my vagina? And like it's just like I have to be honest about this, um. And then they said like so many insane things over the course of the play date. So I overheard Brent's friend talking to him and he goes, do you guys celebrate New Year's And Brent said, yeah, we do. Oh, wait,

no we don't. And then and then at one point, Brinna was playing with him with his new X Men toys and he said he kept he keeps insisting that all the X Men are bad guys. So yeah, brand does. And his logic for this I think is interesting because it kind of like explains a lot of things culturally. Brin is like, all the X Men are bad guys because everyone's mad at them. And he's right that in the context of the show, everyone is prejudiced against X Men.

So I understand failure of the definition of bad guy or or he's his empathy is off both. I think he's just picking up on the fact that he's like, in this world, no one likes X Well. I think it also like bad guy doesn't necessarily mean what it means. But the other thing he said is that he said Professor X doesn't have any powers. Okay, that's that's that is very wrong, right, And then it made me wonder if you watched like an episode where he's like losing

his powers or something. I don't know. Um, it is a far more abstract concept to be like telepathic doesn't have any powers for a five year old Ian Wolverine is clear the band's got claws. So then we have this new bathroom obviously, and Brian was showing his friend to the bathroom and he showed him the new lock on the door and he goes, there's a lock here in case you need privacy. And his friend pulled down his pants and his underwear and said, yeah, I do

need privacy, and then he closed the door. Does it look like I need privacy? Never gets old to me that are all of these kids are like I need some privacy and then can you come wipe my butt? Um? Maybe it is obsessed where she has to go to the bathroom and she goes, Daddy, I have to go potty and I don't need help, and I need privacy and I need you to when I'm done, but I want to flush the toilet. Yeah. She does a long monologue every time she has to and I just go.

Sometimes she says I do need help and I don't need privacy, and she just like mixing. She's like, what do I feel like? Yeah? But either way she feels like she has to give us a long update on the status of going potty. I have one more important thing to say before we have in this segment, which is last last week. I did have one last thing, which is his friend later said Donald Trump is a mean president. We don't know if he's going to be fired or not. I thought that was really smart. I've

been avoiding the topic with brand altogether. I know our kids don't really understand it. Our kids don't know who the president. I feel with Brandon would be cannan worms because he will start saying much more. That's exactly why. Because he's going to start saying things as if he is the authority on it. I'm like, that's the problem with our country. And then he gets create he has creative license with it like you, and all of a sudden he's saying things like a man can't marry a man.

You really made it sound like that's something I say, no, but it's something our son has said. Now it's time for did you know this Holy crap? We got big news. It's a new segment. Crap. This segment is called holy crap. Okay, we we feel bad because we're very honest on this podcast. I feel like we've been hiding something. There's really been a very big topic that we have not been talking about, mostly because we didn't want to tell our friends just

because we didn't know what was happening. We wanted to know it's really happening before we had everyone's input an opinion. This also just realized we said a bunch of stuff in the first segment that we're active basically lies. What we were just talking about space and how someday we'll be able to deal with it. That wasn't lies. It wasn't a lie. It was misleading. Okay, Well, the news is that we're buying a house. We're moving. We're moving,

We're moving back to Brooklyn. Holy holy wrap the jolly holy cow. It's yeah, it's crazy, but we're s could be. Yeah, we've been stressed about it. We've been processing that it's really happening. I still don't fully in my mind, believe that it's happening, but theoretically it is happening. We've gotten the contract looks good. Everyone loves to hear about the legal detail. It's it's really been a big hole in the podcast, and that really all I'm thinking about is this,

and then I have to think. I can feel like, well, I can't talk about that, so I gotta think about something else. Yeah, it's been consuming us. Um, but we so we're moving into a property that requires a lot of renovations, so we won't be moving until the fall. So now we found a new thing to be stressed about. So tonight to make this about parenting. I told our kids about the move, yeah, and really specifically, well, yeah, we've told them about it a little bit. Um. I

showed them their new home. I talked to I also talked about schools, and I saw Brin realize that he was gonna not be living near his friends anymore, and he got very sad for one second. Well then instantly he says, like we've talked about this, is like we're going to get a home and then we're probably gonna have to switch schools. And Britain always says not until I'm done with kindergarten. I mean, not until I'm done with first grade, then we can move. He changed it now,

not until Maven's done with the first grade. Oh yeah, he keeps like upping the auntie. He was like, m just a little bit longer UM so that's gonna be hard, but I think he's young enough that he will instantly forget that he lived here and everyone he ever knew.

Um yeah, well, hopefully we'll keep in touch. I feel like it's classic that, like like when you're just about to leave somewhere, it starts to get really good and like our bathroom is done, and then like we had this like crazy like sixty degree weekend, so we're outside and I was like actually able to have real conversations with like two different neighbors who have two different moms who have kids Brind's age, like separately, and I was like, oh,

like I'm having a good time talking to them, because like usually when i'm running too them, I'm like running to work or something, or I've had toddlers and I'm just chasing them and I can't have a real conversation. It's like you're like finally get to this point where

you're like I can like talk to these people. And up we moved to the suburbs away from We lived in Brooklyn for a long time and then we had a baby and we got we got out of Dodge and moved to the suburbs and had a baby and knew nobody, and you don't meet people until your kids in like kindergarten, and then you start meeting other parents

and having play dates. And like, we're right at that point where we're realizing there are friends to be had, and we're doing the reverse commute, the reverse exodus of what everyone else does is that they have babies in New York and then they moved to the suburbs when their kids start to go to school. So we everyone we know and want to be around, we'll probably immediately leave Brooklyn as soon as we get there. Oh my god, our friends aren't allowed to have Um that's the rule, friends,

that's the rule. Friends. Um So yeah, that's exciting and um stressful. Oh um. So schools is the big thing. Let's gonna say, it's the big thing that that I'm now not stressed about, but it's a big thing I have. We have to figure out. You gotta check out the public school, you gotta check out charter schools, gotta check out private schools. We gotta check out all these options and then be like, what's good, what's closed, what's possible?

It's overwhelming. When do we have to apply? This was the thing it's our home renovated in time for the school year to start. I didn't are We did not think we would ever live in New York City ever again. Um And before I know, you didn't, I mean I didn't really believe we would be able to do it. Yeah, neither did I. This was your idea. And when you told me, I said, get out of here. Then I

screamed at the top of my lungs. And really, every single time we have a big life change, like a move, I say, hey, I think we should do this thing, and presenting you with my research and thoughts and you say that's crazy, You're insane, that would never happen. It's a bad idea, you stupid idiot. I will say. We had some real big fights, but there was we did

have a really good conversation that I felt great about. Um. Um, where like, you know, you are very thoughtful and you think through things, and this is something you thought through. And I'm also like sort of obsessed with home, like the place I live in is very important to me. Yes, actually, after this I saw the bathroom got done. I'm so excited to not be a part of this renovation. I'm

excited to see what you do. I like the work share we've sort of gotten into, which is like we we can be cced on emails with people where like I tell them what's what in the vision and like what needs to be done, and then when they start asking like how we're going to pay for things, I'm like, my husband will talk to you about that those details, Dr mister wallet over not that like like numbers, yuck, talk to this guy. I just I just find that

part so boring. When people are like and now we need these contracts signed and notarized, and I'm like, m no, Um, I'm gonna go find some snacks. Yeah, I'm like, I think the walls should be blue, and I'm like, where does that go on the spreadsheet? I'm in the colors column. Yeah. So, um,

dramatically unrelated topic. But last week we we talked a lot about the band five for Fighting, and I said, We've got a lot of comments and emails and text from friends about that, and I just want to I want to acknowledge that, Um, I did not sing the correct song when that Superman song, I was like, oh no, when you started singing it, it was like not what I was thinking. But then as soon as someone starts singing a song, you can't picture any other song in

your mind. And that's just that's small, that upper that small, that up har um five for fighting. The tone of five for fighting. The band could not match the concept of five minutes penalty for fighting? Less? Was that a convoluted way to say that something? Again? So like the concept of five for fighting, like five minutes five been a penalty for fighting in a hockey game. That concept You think the soundtrack of that concept is is moll

that up bard? That's small? Apply you think it'd be more like a d top kick Murphy type of what are you telling about? You're saying theoretically the soundtrack for sitting in a penalty box. The band five for fighting the name of the band, right, But that's one of their songs, right, But all of their songs, it's this one guy, it's not even a band. All of his songs are like these real sweet piano singer songwriter things that that couldn't be further from the aesthetic of hockey.

Am I wrong? Am I crazy? Everything's an illusion? Peter Our children like to listen to a band called Queen because they sang a song called we Will rock You. That is ostensibly a hockey anthem of sports events, and yet it is sung by a queer icon. Uh you know what, Beth, that is an excellent point. I think five for fighting is the opposite of queens. We Will rock You. Our kids were, oh, wait, this is something funny that have that it completely forgot, which is when

Brent's friend was here. He was like, hey, Sirie play, Oh funk, what is the song. It was like, it's not that. It was not we Will Rock You. Why did that start playing? Did you put that on? No? You? Okay, so you said, hey Sirie, right right, But I didn't say play we will rock you. We were talking about it earlier. Okay do you guys? Yeah, stop we can't. We don't have the rights for this. Stop it. It's too long. Oh this is a disaster. Wait so okay, so wait wait that made no sense. So I was

trying to remember the song. So he kept your custing this song by Imagine Dragon and he was like it was just so funny to see like a five year old. He kept going, hey Sirie, play Believer by Imagine Dragons and it was so funny. And then he would just dance hey, Sirie stop. So oh my god. Oh yeah, so it's that song and it's like those things. So they he was dancing to that so enthusiastically, and then Bryn would try to think of a song, but he only knows like one song off the top of his heade,

which is we Will Rock You. So then they were just alternating back and forth between those two songs. So then when his friend's dad came to pick him up, they all insisted on like dancing to a full song in front of him, and they were like, they were like, we have to request this again. And then they're all like dancing and jumping on the couch and they looked so ridiculous. Um, they had really all of them had

really funny dance moves. Um. Yeah, last time we went over to his house, there was another boy there, maybe it was there. She didn't want to participate, but they got a full band. They had a microphone, guitar and conga and it was real cute. Yeah, it was. Yeah, they were very funny. Brin one of my favorite videos. If you'd like to visit my Instagram and scroll all the way back to when Brin could barely talk but

still talk to nonsense words all the time. There's a video of him at requesting a song because stop stop clop, and I'm like, what do you stop? Stop cop stop stop cop sumptom quap. I'm like, what do you want? It was stump stump clop, and I figured out that all you saying stump stump clap, and he wanted me to play we will rock you. Stump stump clop, stump stump clap and figuring that out. It still feels like one of the great dad accomplishments of my life was

so satisfying. Stump stomp kwop by sometimes clap, that's how should be called stump stump quap. I think you're going to tell them to scroll back and look for the video of Maven playing ukulele when she's like one years old. How old she's like too. She's doing her little foot tap pretending to play. Oh yeah, I'm standing plinking it's hard and she's standing next to me trying to tap

her foot like me. Boy, she's so cute. I rediscovered this video on my sister's Instagram this week of the Brenn and Maven when they're like two and three or like littl er. They're so little, they're like one and two, and they're like feeding her friend's dog and they're so adorable and chunky, and they're clapping because the dog's eating food. And then Brin is so excited that he goes to hug Maven and like tackles her to the ground and

they're just they're so adorable and round there there. I can't I never had siblings that close to in age, and it's only two of them, so I feel like they are going to be close in a way that I can't relate to well that I feel it feels

very similar to me and my brother. To me, because me and my brother were almost exactly two years apart in Britain, man or twenty months, and it's just like there's something about that closeness where it's like the two of them just can't imagine a life without each other, you know. And then you're just like that person you're sibling dynamic with, that person is just such an enormous part of who you are, you know what I mean,

likely boy, and it's it's gonna be different. Like my older brother is like three and a half four years older than me, and my little bit of six years. And so there's all these phases of my childhood where I'm close with this one and that one, but it's not the same. I feel like it's being so close. Yeah, oh boy, we gotta we gotta move. Of we had to move, I like, yeah, we're not going to move for at least six or seven months, but I'm already

stressed about moving. Well, that's all the stuff that we need to throw away because this apartment is too cluttered. Then it's also like, wow, we're gonna have more space. Yeah, but it's like we're never gonna wish we had that stuff. There's just too much stuff. It's true. I feel like we're gonna get a way bigger place and then before you know it, it's just full of stuff. Well, the basement of this house currently is a horder level of just absolute garbage. It could be worse. It's just not

organized in any way. It's just someone was like and none of the lights work and anyway, it's fine anyway, Wish us luck, wish us luck. Um, you can send housewarming gifts to know we know spot at gmail dot com. Please never do um yeah, um, so yeah, so we will. We can stop lying to you. Now, stop the lies. It's happening. I guess now we have to tell everyone. I didn't know this was happening, but now the secrets

out and the whole world knows. Yeah, I mean yeah, I told sure if this deal doesn't fall through, it's true if we don't sign this, I was just waiting until we sign the contract. But we're a couple of days away from that. Anyway, fun stuff we talk more about. The contract has been we knows. Holy crap, that's there's an announcement. This next segment is called Listeners Want to Knows. This is where we take questions and comments from you guys.

All right, um, we have an email from a listener. Um, Dear Beth and Peter, apologizing advanced for the super long email, but I was wondering if you had any advice or know of any resources for coping after a miscarriage. I'm thirty two and this would have would have been my first pregnancy. I knew I was pregnant right after Thanksgiving, but didn't tell my husband until I was five weeks because I wanted to surprise him with the gift that

hadn't arrived yet. Uh darn, Etsy and mail delivery. When I told him, he was so excited, as was I. Our lives had changed forever with the news. I had had spotting since implantation and more one sided pain, but the doctor did a scan and saw everything looked good. In week four. Halfway through week six, though, I woke up to what looked like a period and got scared. Called the dock and they were able to see me

that afternoon. We're able to see a heartbeat, but it was too slow, and at that time the doctor couldn't tell if it had just started beating or if it was the beginning of a miscarriage. They told me to go home and keep an eye on my symptoms and if things got worse to let them know. They gave me the outs of it would be a viable pregnancy chance of miscarriage. Christmas Eve, I had a miscarriage at home, just five days after the last visit to my doctor.

My husband was there to help me through the pain and motions of it all. I called my sister, who is currently pregnant with her first child but it also had a miscarriage before that, to have a little more support from someone who's been through it. I told very few people about what happened, but didn't feel much better after shockingly being told things happened for a reason and what will be will be didn't make me feel like I had any relief. My husband has been struggling with

it also. He said he didn't have enough time to process everything about the pregnancy before was over. He said it was like someone handed him a picture of the light at the end of the tunnel where he knew the endpoint was a baby, but it was still the beginning, but then someone took the picture away, uh, soon after he got it. The time of year also didn't help with the stress and emotions because all during Christmas I kept seeing everyone's beautiful bumps all of her Facebook, and

it brought back all my emotions. Anyway, I don't know if you guys had any advice or words of wisdom. Thanks guys, love what you do. Bethany Wow. Um. First of all, we're so sorry to hear that happen to you. Um. I I don't know if I have like any like amazing advice for her, aside from just like trying. I think anyone who's going through anything like this should make as much space for themselves as they need to process and grieve it, and it sounds like she's doing that.

And I think, you know, if there's particular triggers like social media, that she can let herself off the hook for that or you know, events like she you know, she doesn't. Yeah, I feel like social media wa be particularly unhelpful. Yeah, and it's not. You can't always really predict where the triggers are going to come from in your life. But um, yeah, I think she should, you know,

let herself feel her feelings and be upset. And I think it's good like that she sent this email, whether she wants to be more public about it or not, I think talking about it with whoever you're comfortable talking about it with is really good to help you move through and process what happened and acknowledge, because they think if you're not acknowledging the weight of something like this then how it's affected you, then that keeps you more

stuck there and the emotion. Yeah, and it's and I'm I am sure as as she described this email, that that people around you also, you know, don't don't necessarily know how to support you because it's not simple, it's not a thing, it's not a thing to be fixed. And so I'm sure you're getting a lot of as you mentioned those like everything happens for a reason. Yeah, And people say some stuff all the time to everyone

about things that they don't realize are super triggering. And I think that's why sometimes I think it's not that you know, it should always like, not that you shouldn't expect people around you to make space for you, because you should, But that's why sometimes I think it is good to just like take a break from people in situations that might be draining for you and just like take care of yourself when you're in a vulnerable position.

And it's a it's it's I would imagine, and I have not, We've been fortunate enough to not go through this, ah. But how confusing it is because this is this is a you know, ah, you're grieving the loss of a person that you never met, and so this this person exists in your in your head and we you know, when when people are pregnant, when we are pregnant, you of course can't help but invest in this this this baby that you have and that you're going to have

with them. Yeah, and and even you don't know them yet, but suddenly you lose them. You lose that that person that you've developed, that you've invested, you've built a relationship um with somebody that you've imagined for the most part, and it's you still go through a grieving period, but

you can't. Yeah, I think I think people in our culture are not taught to be patient with theirselves when they're vulnerable or being like when they're sometimes we all are turned into a mess, like we're just not like we everyone should get a pass at some point to be no longer relied upon, or to have bad days or to you know, like just things get bad and you're allowed to just acknowledge that and like let it

envelope you temporarily. And I think it's especially true for women, but it's also true for men in the sense of like this toxic masculinity thing where it's like the fact that it's hit her hitting her husband hard. I think like people would not necessarily expect that or consider that. It's like there's it's a weird double edged sword because like people expect men to be so tough, but then they're also so much more sympathetic to men in certain situations.

I remember reading the Facebook post of this man I know who's grieving his teenage daughter, and how while while they were grieving so many he said, seemingly so many more people would come and empathize with him, and like sort of like, I think, because we see women in these sort of caretaker roles that sometimes we sort of just assume they'll like suck it up and hold it together. But then in other ways we also expect men to hold it together and not express emotions that are not anger.

You know. It's just like very complicated. Yeah, and I know that I've been guilty of this, and it's yeah, my impulse has always been too fix a problem, you know. And so I think when when I've had people around me who just have grief or are just have gone through something sad, especially when I was younger, you know, I'd go into that mode of like, well, here's what

you gotta do, you know. It's just like and it is that mode of here's here's how you get through this, as in now I'm older and wiser, and and no at least that like, oh no, it's worth it's not my problem to solve, and this is not a solvable problem. This is just something it needs to be experienced. Yeah, we're not really comfortable in our culture with like sitting with painful emotion. It's not like it's not acceptable like everyone's supposed to like rush off and do something or

drink something or you know. Like yeah, but also and also not everyone grieves the same way and what people who are grieving, I don't always know what they need, and it's it changes moment to moment. And so yeah, well, one thing that I think is really interesting, I can't remeber if I talked about this, but um, the same man I was talking about who lost his daughter, had sort of a blog on her. She she had cancer

and she died from cancer. And then he was posting on there's sort of like a caring something website where you can give updates on people and some I think

some people continue to update after their death. And it was actually really nice to hear him thoughtfully reflecting on his experience because it's such a dark period that people don't really talk about out and he was talking about how they and his wife were working with a therapist and how that's really good because people are so just like spent during that period and can really use like any help they can get, and he was talking about how they're when you're grieving, you lose some of your

like executive function ability, like your your day to day processing. You can't You're just like not you're kind of just like sunked out in a weird way because obviously you're just in a state of shock, but then also you're like dealing with the most stressful thing ever and a lot of times people are trying to execute a will and plan a funeral, and like it's just like there's so much on top of you while you're in the

state where you can barely function. And then he was also talking about how there is there's this really interesting thing. I had to find the blog and I get share it, but I can't remember the link. It was like a very random, like psychologist blog, but there was this thing talking about how when we when something bad happens, we

resort to one of several coping mechanisms. And so when you're in a state of prolonged grief, where your your brain continues to try to solve the problem, you start to cycle through coping mechanisms, and so you might like fixate on one and just like keep attempting it over and over again. But it's like, you know, all of all of your normal coping mechanisms of like you know, I don't whatever like go eat food, drink like you

know whatever, thing like I'm trying. There's like I think like hyper productivity is one for some people, like you know how some people they're like they gain a sense of control from like workaholism or whatever they need to have something to do to And I do feel like sometimes you almost see that with people who are like the second someone dies, it feels like they're like starting like a charity or like they're like put pouring themselves

into trying to make a meaning of the death. And like not that there's anything wrong with that inherently, but so I feel like I understand that that, like the feeling like you have something needs to be done. Yea. And yeah, it was just really interesting how like it was. I think he was talking about how it all played into like why when people lose a child, their relationships

tend to fall apart like very often. And I think when you have two people whose brains are trying to process all of this and who are sort of flailing and like trying to make sense of their lives and like just making erratic decisions and being like sort of out of it, like it's just so overwhelming, and yeah, that you have to find a new It makes you confront what has meaning because when you suddenly lose something, ah that it was very meaningful for you, I feel

like that meaning needs to get redirected to something else for some people. Yeah. Um. And so it is also that like, oh, I'm going to do something about this because it needs to have been for a reason. Um. Yeah, I mean, or you become like nihilist, Like I don't know, there's like a lot of ways, sort of like a

very specific thing. Um, but yeah, it's like that's why you know, people should be gentle with themselves and hopefully they have people they can turn to and talk to, and um, you know, I think in situations like this, it's like, you know, it's kind of like you know, you almost want to liken it to like having a newborn, like when your brain and you're like when your body is like physically and mentally preoccupied with something, like it's just it's going to consume and impair you for a while.

And if you're like if you're functioning at like a d plus like that's good for where you're at right now, you know, like it's just like you don't need to be like you can phone your life in a little bit temporarily, and and and people trying to support that person. Yeah, more and more I've realized that like being there for somebody, um really should mean just that is just being around as opposed to I'm here for you? What can I do?

What are we gonna And it's hard not to try to solve it, like when especially when you see someone in like deep pain, like it's really that's all of our knee jerk reaction. It's like what can I get you? What can I do? Like you know, um, I'm working on listening. Obviously, I'm relating this to myself. I'm too afraid to ask people questions and um yeah, but the sometimes suppecially can do feel like that's really bad. Yeah. Yeah.

I have a friend recently that I went through a negative thing and I'm so so practical and I'm like, okay, great, here's the you know, here's here's what we can do and all that, and and then later this person told me he's it was like, you know, I sort of wish you just told me like, yeah, that sucks. I'm sorry, And I was like I sort of skipped that and and went right to the it's going to be okay. I'm like, yeah, you know what, it sucks. They said that to you. I wish you'd told me that sucks. Yeah,

very politely, but it was very honest. I appreciated it. I was like, yeah, I skipped that and I went straight onto the looking ahead. Yeah. Well, sometimes you have to feel people out and it's hard, like you have to take a beat to be like, is this person in a place where they want to here it's going to be okay? Or do they want to hear that sucks? Sometimes like sometimes they're trying to move through and they do need someone to be like it's gonna be okay.

Yeah that's me. Oh my phone just said it's fifteen minutes to bedtime. That's me and I need to work on the just saying that that sucks. Yeah, well we all do. Um, well, thank you very much Bethany for writing in. Um yeah, thank you for sharing that with us. Um we're we're we're thinking about you, and uh we sent you all of our love and support and UM, I don't I hope you hope you have the space and the people you need. UM to give you what you need when you need it, even if you don't

know what it is, Well, that's gonna do it. This week this is another episode of We Know His Parenting. If you would like to send us an email, UM, share some advice, send us would you knows parenting hypothetical situation? You can email us a we knows pot at gmail dot com, or you can leave his voicemail at three four seven three eight four seven three nine six. Find us on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram at we knows pod and rate review, subscribe, give us those stars we love stars.

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