Is This Interesting?

She's with her boyfriend and she's like, you know, we just like to hang and experiment, like and he is he playing the bass? Yeah, something like that. Oh, he is real serious. And she's like the fox went down to the avenue and said, but it's so confident and so embarrassing. She has no idea how lame it is. It's perfect. It's maybe it's not unlike you, who I know exactly how lame I am? Yeah. Anyway, parenting, parenting, parenting, that's what we're doing every day, every second. So are

we our kids are bad lately? I don't. I think it's just the stress of everything, right, now they're not. I was gonna say, the last two days have been market different, positive compared to the terror that you speak of. Yeah, well yeah, I mean there was a bit of a melt on yesterday because we went to Brooklyn and had a big fun day and they got real tired and melted down a bit. But overall great, Yeah, I mean,

they're also very adorable. But I had a very funny story from the other night, which is Naven was having a huge tantrum and she was like, I was trying to put her in pajamas, so she's like naked and angry, and um, I pulled some pajamas out of the drawer and she was so mad and she wanted to put them back in the drawer. Um. But instead of throwing them back in the drawer, she Marie Condo rolled them back up very angrily and carefully and then put them

back in the drawer. And it was because we've like we started rolling up the kids clothes because it's just easier to see every But it was just so funny to watch a three year old do an angry Marie Condo careful. I was like, wow, this is really my daughter. Yeah, well she that's how she thinks folding happens. That's how she sees me do it, and angrily, Yeah, I don't want to do this folding. I'm going to roll it. It's just so funny. I love opening those doors and

seeing all those little close burritos close. Yeah, they do look cute, all their little clothes. It's like it's like looking at a sushi display. Although my cousin told me once that she doesn't fold her kids clothes at all because kids clothes are so tiny. She just throws them all in the drawer. And I was like, that makes sense. That's what I used to do until you made me watch Marie Condo. Yeah, and then I got into it.

Marie Condo, who I have to say, stole my whole system for my clothes that I've been using for years. I actually don't really do a burrito. I do more of a flat Um. Yeah, well she doesn't do burritos, but for small kids clothes, I do what kids close, I do a full role. She's also way more careful about the way she does it, like she can kind of do it into like lay it on its end, but kind of in a triangle. So it says standing up, even if you don't have the other clothes to sandwich

in place. And I'm not that particular. I just like to be able to see everything. Yeah. No, I've gotten really down where I had a folded outward and in a certain side so that when it's in there, you can see what's printed on the shirt, because the first time I did, I do it all inward and you don't know which shirt is which. Oh I see I have a nearing hotward for years. This well I'm catching up. Um yeah, we is this boring? Is this interesting? This

is fascinating? Everyone loves it. My friends and I, um we. I've said this before in the podcast, but we use this app called Marco Polo where we send each other videos and you can it's kind of like chatting with people, but you don't have to schedule a time to FaceTime. You just leave a video message. And so I do this thing whenever I whenever I feel like I'm rambling onto along, and I suddenly realized that no one wants to listen to this, I will be like, is this interesting?

And then we all just started doing it. Like anytime someone starts trailing off, they're just like, is this interesting so funny because I'll walk by and hear Marco Polo is going, and I've heard that phrase a lot of time. Yeah, it's just like a nice note dissolve, like I think, because I think when you hang out with other like comedy type people, it's like hard not to be constantly aware of like whether you're creating good content. Do you

know what I mean? Like life? Yeah, well, because I've used I've been in marco polo groups with other people, like bigger groups, and when you're with people who do are not like people you know from like improv or stand up or whatever, they're like people will just ramble for so long sometimes like and you're like, this person is not editing themselves at all. Like it's just this person has never watched a four or five minute video of themselves doing improv, that's for sure. Anyway, Um, I

lost my mind this weekend. Yeah, but emotional things going on, very busy but very exciting stuff. But ah, so I did my trick show on Saturday, and I was in an emotional state. Um, I've been arguing with you a little bit that day, but I also had sweet things going on, and Bryn told me me a lot that day. Yeah, I mean, we don't need to get into it, but no, we'll get into it big big things and but also really positive things. And Bryn told me that he was

thankful for me, and it melted my heart. So I went to go do an improv show in this just mess of emotions. And I go out on stage and at the Magnet Theater there's a little side section for overflow seating and some there are some people sitting there and two of them just had hot nachos and casadilla's out on their lap, just eating a full, smelly meal. And normally that stuff stresses me out. I'm like, oh,

these people are not self aware. They're going to be distracting during the show, and I'd worry about it, but instead I just turned to them and I go, you can't eat in here. You gotta take that out. You have to take that out. And I started yelling at these people and they think it's a bit and they're like, well, that guy told me I could take get in. Who's putting the house manager? I go, no, he didn't. His job is to make sure you don't bring a foot.

And I yelled and I made them to put the food away and I was joking, but I also legitimately was making everyone in the theater uncomfortable. And then I apologized and I joked it off, and then we started the show, and I was so annoyed at them, and then they're also happened to be that type of people that two seconds in they just started talking to each other. Wow, does this relate to what we're talking about? Where are

we going this? What? I don't know how they started talking and I stopped the show and I got three inches from this guy's face and I said, you need to shut the funk up or you need to get out of here. And I really shamed him insane um, but he stopped talking. Who goes to the theater theater sits with their feet on the stage and thinks that I can't hear them when they're just chatting away. The point is I had my students the next day say that it was very uncomfortable what I did, but that

they said it was a very good show. The first four minutes were very uncomfortable. But you know me, this is not character. Please don't do that again. Father, This is not in character for me. No, but you you have this like white man confidence when you get to you get to a certain level of anger and you're just like, I deserve to be hurt. Like it's just, um, I deserve to tell that guy to shut the funk up.

And I did, and I have no regrets. Don't go to a show and talk idiots, don't go to the theater. Don't bring smelly nachos into theater and then talk. Well, maybe they thought it was like an Alamo drafthouse. They did. I mean, they thought it was like a stand up show where they're going to be drinks and tables. And I'll tell you what. They had a great time, and they thought it was really funny that I was rasing them. They didn't know that I hated their guts. They had

a great time. Yeah, boy, I thought this would be a fun story and I just kind of angry. But I still don't understand how it really relates to what we were talking about. But I think it relates to comedians know how to edit themselves. And so I decided to ramble on. You're like, I'm a comedian, I have something to say. Let me prove to you how I can edit myself. I'm self aware. Is this interesting? You're the opposite of this. Is this interesting? My version is

this is interesting, not a question? This is interesting? Um, yeah, anyway, our kids are crazy. I also think you know, it's we've been trying to deal with a lot with our lives, our bathroom renovation or holiday lead up and works ship, and our kids have not gotten out of the house enough, out of the apartment as much as they should. And there I think we had we've had spent a whole week inside waiting for a toilet to arrive. Yeah, which it has all that, We have everything we need for

this reno patient renovation. You've done all this work and I and you look forward to taking credit for it in one way or another. You don't even let me finish because I was just about to do the exact opposite of what you accused me of, which is to say you have done all of it. Um, I've helped

only where you've asked me to. Well, I'll tell you what is giving me slight anxiety about it now is that I ordered these tiles online and then their cement tiles and they showed up and they're very thick, like over half an inch thick. And I don't think that's an issue. But at this point, I'm so tired of dealing with the renovation that I'm like, I'll just go or like, I'll buy the cheapest floor tile on Friday if I need to. If I find out that the

contractor is like, we can't work with this. But they're really cool tile. They're very cool. But yeah, but it's a small it's a small chance that it's like seven down the train and we'll find out soon. The floor might be three inches above all the other floors, but that's not even They're going to put a little legend. I talked to the guy. I've talked to a guy about this, and I feel like I'm getting a lot better about talking to the guys, do you know what

I mean? Like, I just i feel like I'm becoming this person. That's just like if I'm confused with the guy, gonna be like, what do you mean? What's that? How does that work? What's going on? Like I'm just gonna I'm not gonna get pushed around with these guys. Yeah, there's no need. You're in charge. I don't want to give you what you want. So okay, guy, you work for me. Um, listen, guy, you work for me. Okay, but please only palets on in front of my building, arauil,

I will be in tears. How many pallets did we have to throw away? Any three palelets? Is the answer? Toilet didn't come on a pallet? Yeah, toilet came on the random guys back his back. A man trotted up with a toilet upon his back instead. Have you ordered yonder toilet? Come hither? Um? The home depot guy first all hump de bow mostly great. But I didn't deliver the toilet when they said they would. I called them

and somebody figured it out. The guy it was the last delivery, and so instead of bringing the truck, he just threw the toilet into his car and drove on over. He's like, it's faster on the highway with us, and he just comes carrying this super heavy toilet. Um. And I was like, is this an insurance issue if something happens in his personal car? And that's as much as I thought about it. Is this interesting? No, it's a useful phrase. I am definitely gonna start using it. It's

a good cover. It's a good cover if you have a constant inner monologue of low self esteem. Um, I do it a natural version of that by talking louder. Yeah. I teach a lot of improv classes, which has not been good for curbing rambling, because you have sixteen people that have to listen to you and are there to listen to you and want to listen to you, so that I wouldn't necessarily say they're there to listen to you. They're there to learn how to do impronise. You don't

think those two things are related. I just I there's a feminist rant that I've been. It's been on my been needing to get off my chest all week, which I went to the dentist this week, and it's just I'm just so tired of certain things like in like just happening over and over again in my life. And like I go to the dentist, This very nice dental hygienist woman who works there, spends half an hour cleaning my teeth, being nice to me, talking to me, she like,

you know, explaining things. Um, she's like, you know, a young mom. Whatever. Then the it's time for the dentist to come in and give his little inspection so we can hear him talking the other room, and she goes and checks on him multiple times, but he's very engaged in man splaining teeth to another patient and just going on and on, loving the sound of his voice. And as the dentist of man splaining teeth, Yes, what is

his job to explain teeth? Yeah, it's literally his job to come in in man's plain teeth at the end, after this woman did all the work and then he and he probably makes three times which he makes, and it makes me livid, and so I have to we have to wait for him in the other room, literally like ten fifteen minutes that he's taking just talking about

teeth with this person. And then he comes in, you know, glances at my mouth, pokes around as like re explains what this woman has said about teeth decay and leaves, and I'm just like I did. I didn't even need that man in my life. I had to wait for him for him to waste my time. This woman has already done all the work, like I don't. It's it just makes it's so the layers of annoyance, the fact that he makes probably so much more money than her.

It's like I I just walked through the world and these things make me feel crazy because it's like because like every industry, every industry has like designations, like different roles, and they're like, well, the person who runs the office is lower on the totem pole and they get less money. Like, um, I hear what you're saying. You also would love to be the dentist. Well, I mean, I've been in charge of a lot of people who do things for me, and so I empathize with the person that is not

doing the day to day. I've done all the day to day. I also don't know enough enough about it being a dentist. I'm sure any dentist listening would have a lot to say about that. Um. See, that's the thing as as a white man, you intrinsically assume that he's more important. Um. I would assume that a person who is a full dentist um has skills that the dental higgenist does not are I don't know. I'm sure he does, but I don't think it warrants the level of importance and pay that he is getting up of.

I think what it when it matters is when there's something wrong, and that's probably the difference. But you go in and it's fine, and his job is a coming and go all right, yeah, nothing to add. But then as a society, we put our focus on having people for when things go wrong, and then we don't create prevention plans for a variety of issues. I think dentistry is over a kill on prevention. I don't need to floss. Floss is a fucking scam. I'll tell you last time.

I want the dentist not. This is not to invalidate your experience. I had a different one with the there's a dentiligenist there that I love and she's my regular person and she's great, and uh, but she wasn't there, and so I had this other, sweet young woman who was the most condescending pat She was just like, yeah, well you know about flassing. Let see if a man was saying that to you, you would have been like,

he's right, No, fine, I don't care. The result was I've had a million dental hygienists before my life, and I've never had negative feelings towards any of them ever, because who gives a ship, They're doing the job things. They mostly male, No dentifligens. I almost exclusively been women. Do not put sexism into my brain. This is the one dental higienist that I've had a negative thought about, and I despised her. I could not hide my hatred as she cleaned my teeth. She just so slowly and NonStop,

like you know, these things matter. You know you think it doesn't matter, then you've gotta you gotta, you gotta foss and you gotta. I do think I do agree that the prevention of the dentist is a little bit overkill. I think they're blowing it a little bit out of proportion,

but that's the job. But also I am amazed at their ability to think and talk about teeth day in and day, because I feel like I'm putting on a performance when i'm there, as though I think about teeth a lot, and I'm like, yeah, you're right, teeth, sure, canines incisors because they're always re explaining the most basic aspects of tooth aging, and they're like food gets stuck on the teeth, especially those ones in the back, and I'm just like I have to act like I've never

heard it before. But like, also I'm interested in agree, Like I'm just like, yeah, totally. Like I will say, though about eight nine years ago, I hadn't been to the dentist forever. And I went to the dentist and this another general highgienist said, have you um received our toothbrushing tutorial? And in my head, I did a major eye roll and I'm like, you're not going to teach me how to brush my teeth? And I was like, um, I don't know, and she goes, great, let's do it.

And she puts up some fake teeth and the toothbrush and she starts starts showing me the best way to brush your teeth. And I'll be damned, I learned something from it. Uh. And since then, every time I go to the dentist, they say, your teeth are immaculate. My favorite thing is my dentist high gentist. I do like said, if you told me that you did floss, I would

have believed you. That's how good I was brushing. And I have that woman, the previous woman to think and I wanted to say, oh, you're not going to teach me someone I don't know, you be open to being not knowing? Well. The woman that my dunetle high she was like, been, you've been flossing and I was like, not as much as I should. And she was like everyone says that, and I was like, yeah, because I don't want to get caught in a lie and I don't floss enough. None of us do. Well, that's so,

but they can't really tell. That's the thing. The time before, two times ago, I finally decided I'm so sick of lying to the dentist. So she goes, how often do you floss? And I go never? And then she said, Wow, if you told me you flossed, I would have believed you. And it was the most validating thing that has ever happened. Okay,

but here's the thing. I think this is another one of the lies of Western medicine, is that we place all this importance on brushing our teeth and cleaning them when realistically, I think our diet has a way big

or impact on what's going on with our teeth. Um, let me just say in college, when I went home for Thanksgiving and had eleven cavities, I'll disagree with you on that one, because there's a way to do it wrong, and it's to be scared and alone in college and have a mountain dew every night and be shoddy with your brushing. I literally just said, diet has a bigger impact. So you just proved me right by saying you had a mountain dew every night. Well, and also I didn't

brush well. I think drinking like sugary beverages. I thought you were saying what you put in your stomach matters more than what you put on your teeth. I think it's both like you have sugary stuff like hang on your mouth all the time, but also your body. I think when you're coding your insides and like chemicals and sugar and not like the actual food nutrients doesn't help. It doesn't help your body's ability to recover and fight

infections and things like. Yeah, well, after three hours in the duchess chair getting all those services filled, I stopped drinking soda forever and I've had no issue since. Is this interesting? Interesting? And now it's time for did you know? This is where we share something parenting related that we've learned from something we've read or seen or dreamed. Elizabeth in uh So, I want to talk about an article from the Atlantic. It's called stop trying to Sorry, stop

trying to raise successful kids. You gotta give credit to your sister who sent this to my sister sent um the subtitle is and start raising kind ones, and um, it's just sort of a cool explanation of why you should not be so focused on achievement for your kids and make sure you're um, you know, praising them for kindness and reminding them of that. It says, kids learn what's important to adults not by listening to what we say,

but by noticing what gets our attention. And in many developed societies, parents now pay more attention to individual achievement and happiness than anything else. However much we praise kindness and caring, we're not actually showing our kids that we value these traits. And then they talked about this cool study about how kindness is actually decreasing measurably in Americans.

It says, in one experiment, a sociologist scattered thousands of what appeared to be lost letters to in dozens of American cities in two thousand one, and again in from the first round to the second, the proportion of letters that was picked up by helpful passers by and putting the mailbox declined by ten percent. When the same experiment

was conducted in Canada, helpfulness didn't diminish. I think that's a really interesting that Canada is not declining in kindness because I mean, especially if you look at our politics right now. UM. And it also goes on to say that UM kids born after are less Oh. It says they they are just as likely as their predecessors to believe that other people experiencing difficulties should be helped, but

they feel less personal responsibility to take action themselves. I thought that was a really interesting an interesting year to draw line in the same decision. They're less likely to give to charity, but I'm also like, because none of us have any money anymore. Yeah, I mean, also they're younger and don't feel responsible yet. I do think that's part of it, but it sounds like, I don't know, I'd be interesting to see what that data is coming from,

well one of us. One of the stats that I found really interesting this was when asked parents, uh like of parents said that the thing they wished most for their kids was for them to be kind and respectful people. And when kids were asked what their parents, what the kids thought the parents thought was most important, the kids said it was like achievements. Yeah. Well, and it's interesting.

So the authors of this UM said they also noticed sort of a parenting trend to sort of train kids towards more towards confidence, and it said in some parenting circles, for example, there's a movement against intervening when preschoolers are

selfish in their play. These parents worried that stepping in might prevent kids from learning to stick up for themselves and say that they're less worried about their prospect of raising an adult who doesn't share than one who struggles to say no. But there's no reason parents can't teach their kids to care about others and themselves, to be

both generous and self respecting. Um. And they also kind of explained that It said that that emphasis on toughness is partly an unintended consequence of the admirable desire to treat boys and girls more equally. Historically, families and schools encourage girls to be kind and caring and boys to be strong and ambitious. Today, parents and teachers are rightly investing more time and energy and nurturing confidence in leadership

and girls. Unfortunately, there isn't the same momentum around developing

generosity and helpfulness and boys. The result is less attention to carrying across the board Yeah, there's this weird thing and you see it in different types of education, and it weirdly, it makes me think of these sort of anti bullying education which I a lot of think a lot of those I think are super misguided because they're all focused on that like standing up to a bully as opposed to making kids recognize, uh, the bully in themselves.

And that focus on generous generosity and kindness to empathize with people is a more positive thing than the like stand up for yourself. That's sort of like, I'm not going to intervene. You've gotta be tough. Yeah. Uh. I will say this article makes me worried for our son, like I feel like we have not He's sort of a naturally selfish, attention loving person and we have not

necessarily done enough to promote him being more caring. Um. I will say, I've I've spent a lot of time with him talking about this because I'm very aware of this. There's a lot of our conversations where you know, I'm I'm I'm kidding him to go, well, talk about how do you think people feel when that happens? Doesn't it feel good to help people? And this the last two days. Something that I have really been happy is seeing is

our kids being nice to each other. Um. And there's a really interesting part in here where they showed a test where when if you forced a kid to share, they will be bitter and not like you. But if if you make it their choice, if you give them the option, a kid who gives a goldfish to another kid from their own bowl gets a hit of satisfaction. That is uh, that is like empowering to them. And it's I've seen that in our kids, like when Maven's like,

I give them these cups tonight for dinner. And Maven saw that she had this blue cup that Britain normally has, and Britt had a green one if so maybe didn't care because if it's not paying, she doesn't care. They call it the helper's high. Yeah. And Maven sat down and she goes, brand you like the blue cup? Would you like the blue cup? And he gave She gave him her cup and he switched and she and goes,

thank you, Maven, You're welcome, and they're like, my heart melted. Okay, but you're still using an example of Maven being nice to illustrate why Bruna's well, he has been doing things like that too recently, and you know, like, maybe would you like to hold my hand? He came out of daycare the day was do you want to hold my hand? And it held it and then he just stopped in the yard and gave her a big hug and said like you're my sister or something like that, and he

was proud of her. Do you remember though, a couple of weeks ago when he was saying really nice things to us and he was like, I love you, daddy, And then he was like, I'm being nice, so I don't get on the naughty list. But well, the example I wanted to give was like the other morning when you and I were in a fight and then you stormed off, and then I was very stressed out and

crying in front of her children. Mayven came over and gave me a hug, and Brin stood up on the bed and decided to try to do some pratfalls to cheer me up. And that's why I feel like I was like, this is not really what I want. It's not really the comfort I'm looking forward on. The empathy, he's a little bit more like my dentist. No, well, both of those. I'm those both make me so happy to hear um because it shows emotional intelligence. They both know that somebody is in pain, and it uses always

a little more self serving. I mean that is how I would do it. I would distract and try to cheer you up, whether that's good or bad. He was like, oh, I'm walking, Well, what the bit Now, I'm gonna punch myself in the face. Wait what and then he punches himself. It's almost really good, but it's not quite clicking. No, it needs work shopping. Well, something that the big lesson in here for me is that, oh, of course again it's modeling. You can tell your kids things, but you

need to just show them. And the first thing I thought of, like, sometimes you know, and everybody does this, but I know that we've been guilty of this where we sit around and we're talking and then we just we start ship talking people like not a ton. But I've been in moments where I realized we've just spent like an hour ship talking people, and our kids have been listening to us. Really, you and me, Yeah, well there's usually somebody else here, who are we I don't

feel like we do that much at the time. We don't do it a lot, but this has happened, This happened once before or at the end of it, I realized I was like, Oh, I really wish a brin is too old. I really wish he hadn't witnessed any of that. And it's I don't think this is a big issue with us. But that was an example of like, I don't want him seeing me do that. Yeah. Well, they gave a good example in the article where they talked about, you know, you don't want to need to

like badger your kids into being nice. But they were like when they come home from school, instead of asking them what they did that day and what they achieved that day, asked them if they helped anyone? And they the authors this husband and wife talked about how they over time asking their kids at the end of the day like did you help anyone? It made their kids start looking out for opportunities where they could like share

a crayon or do something. And it also is really interesting. Um, the article goes on to make a point about how being helpful actually does make people more successful. Yeah, that was fascinating. Their statistics to back that up. Yeah, a lot of statistics it said, boys who are rated as helpful by their kindergarten teachers earn more money thirty years later.

Um It said students who care about others also tend to see their education as preparation for contributing to society, an outlook that inspires them to persist even when studying is dull. It's it's kind of a nice explanation because

we talked about the helpers high. It's like, doing these things it improves your mon mental health, it makes you happier, and then that's naturally just going to make you better at everything else you're doing, and connecting with people and working like it's just good for all of us when we're nice. I relate to I think the times i'm happiest, I mean, there's a real selfish part of me where I want to be in charge and I want people

to think I'm great, But I'm more interested. I want people to see me as somebody who cares about other people and who is helping other people. I want people to if people look up to me. I work with a lot of people are younger than me, so I'm an authority figure and there's a different kind I feel really good about that position when I feel like people see me as somebody who's sticking up for them, who's who's kind and encouraging, giving people opportunities I'm proud of.

Like I know what that feeling is, and like that's what I want to model to my kids. Yeah, I mean I feel like I am a nice person in my day to day like I do, like if I spot an opportunity to be nice, I'll attempt to go for it. But I don't think I do that in front of my children. And that's what concerns me is Like I mean I did, like I did have to tell Burn the other day he was making a huge mess with the croissant at the coffee shop, and I was like, we cannot do this. People work here and

they have to clean this up. You can't make a huge mess like this. But I don't think that's the same as like him seeing me be nice. Yeah, And I think that is the main point of this article is the be nice to people is not as effective as one modeling it being nice to people in front of your children, um, but also when talking to them, it's it's more effective in that storytelling element that like, hey, what is something nice you did today, who did you

talk to, who did you play with? And getting them to naturally go back to that social place in their head to tell the story and to re examine it through the lens of kindness. That sticks because they can actually come back to those moments and recognize them when they happen again, as opposed to a theoretical hey be nice. And I do think Brent is nice, and he's like one of the most social kids in his class, and

he talks to everyone. I just don't think he has the same thing as much as mayven of like just being tuned into someone else's pain or like needs. But well, yeah, I mean I understand that. But we're very much talking about the difference between you and me, where where you know I'm a little more oblivious to two people's pain In a certain way, I worry less about people because I can be distracted and not focused on things, and

you notice everything. Um, but when I do notice, it matters to me as much as it does to you. And the Brindan Maven are similar in that difference. Perhaps from what you told me about his parent teacher conference, the thing I was most proud of was when you the teacher said that Britain plays with everybody. Yeah. I was like, yeah, I want my son to be that kid. Yeah, is this interesting? This next segment is called Listeners want to Know. It's where we take questions and comments from

you guys. It's called listeners want her Nose. But I'm just going to be a ship dentists. Yeah, I went. I didn't go to to seven years of semantics school to not get the title right. This emails feels incredibly appropriate to read because it literally just came into my inbox. It's an update from our dear friend Susan. Um. Susan wrote in recently about asking for potty training help. Um boy, I don't know that we gave any great advice, but she wrote back the subject line is update on my

shitty kid pun intended. I haven't read this yet, so this is a cold read. She's still shitty literally. Thanks for the potty training advice. We are taking another break and I will try to just follow her lead and let her come around to it when she is ready. But I still refuse to put diapers on her, so she is in pull ups all the time now. After listening to Peter talk about Brent's epic meltdown in Target. I wanted to share a few things that have been

helping in our household. One, have you read The Whole Brain Child. I've been slowly waking my way through this book and it's been very helpful and explaining why my child is a psychopath sometimes and how to deal with it. He gives a bunch of techniques to help our kids integrate the more compulsive quote unquote caveman parts of the brain with a higher, more rational brain. My two my therapist recently gave me this parenting technique. Instead of asking why,

questions like why are you crying? Ask what are you feeling? Help them might identify what they are feeling and problem solve what to do when they feel that way in future situations. Obviously, this should be done after they are calm three sitting, setting clear expectations and consequences, and sticking to them. This is like parenting one oh one. But I am the worst at this, so I eagerly gave into my three year old's tantrums, but I'm working on

suffering through them and sticking to my guns. Peter did a good job of this in Target. Thank you. I'm not sure. I just pulled out the guns too fast, but I stuck to them. I'm not sure if any of that is helpful, but figured i'd chair. I wish these kids came with instruction manuals because I have no idea what I'm doing. Well, you should buy there's no manual parenting pregnancy book written by Beth Nowal. One more thing,

What are you getting the kids for Christmas? Susan? Um, we have gotten well, I've gotten better at sticking to my guns with them. Baby, you did it tonight. Great. Maven was in there going mommy mommy for twenty minutes. At least I know her games and you didn't. You didn't give in Um, yeah, sorry, I just blanked on what she was saying before the listener was saying. But for the um our dear friends. Susan had several things

to say, and I will review them. But first let's go backwards, Shelley, what are we getting the kids for Christmas? We are getting them the okay, so x men, well, my parents might get them. Next, I suggested X men to somebody as well. Okay, well, okay, they're getting Checkers. May even is getting a my little pony glittery toys that she insisted on having because she saw the gift for her cousin in the closet, so that's the only

thing she wanted. Um Brin is getting one of those little science toys of like a human body where you can pull out all the organs, which I'm excited to

discuss organs with him. Oh my gosh. We discussed organs in bed tonight because I read a Oh yeah, I was in the bedroom while you were doing bedtime with them and reading a sex book or whatever, and I just kept here ring them maybe and kept going a girl with a ween er, and then she would and then they would giggle a lot, and then later she would go a penis and they were super giggly, and so I got them in bed by going, you want to read a butt with books? I'm sorry, I flipped

that you want to read a book with butts? And they said yes, and then we got heavy into anatomy. They were really into it that I overheard them have a conversation last night where Brynn was like, yeah, I have a wiener and like he was like, man's like, what's that whole? I don't like, I really don't know what they were showing each other, but like it sounds

like I don't well. He started talking about butts at some point in here too, and he was there like he was like, you just have a butt with another pe hole and I have a wiener And she was like, very self important. Much of my fan dentist. Um, who's the real dentist. He's being a real dentist about it. Uh. I just want to say that my best friend's dad is a dentist and he's the nicest man in the world. To keep going, I've just been feeling guilty. Man's pleaning

isn't about niceness. Oppression is not about being polite. I just wanted to defend the one dentist I know. I just feel like you fundamentally misunderstand how oppression works. I'm not trying to invalidate your experience. I just want one person to know that I love them. Okay, I'm sorry, keep going anyway. That's that's the end of the story. I explained testicles to Brandon tonight, and I realized he had never heard anything about them. This is another thing

I overheard from them. You were like, You're like, you're screwed. Um has these balls in it, and he's like balls a lot of screwed um talk. Well, just realized like the earlier the night he kicked me in the crops in a way that genuinely hurt and I realized he and I was like, bring, you just kicked me in the crotch and that didn't mean anything to him. Well, because we need to teach him more empathy. Well he doesn't.

I don't clearly hasn't gotten hit in the crotch in a way because he's like why why is that a problem? I have had moments lately because he gets in this like punchy mode where he starts like jumping on you and pinching and stuff where I sometimes get so frustrated that I will like lightly slap him or do whatever he's doing to me to just be like do you see what that feels like? Like they're just like because

he's so annoying. Um not, I don't not like really hurting him, but it doesn't even know for the record, this isn't nowhere close to a real hit, but scrapping around on the bed. I just occasionally want to remind him, like, you are hurting someone I know you don't believe the words I'm saying or seem to care. Also, you can't actually hit him because but you do it so light that it's aggressive enough that he's like whoa. But then it's fun so he wants to do it more. Yeah,

he really can't win with him. Um. So that's what we're geting for a Christmas. So there's there's three points in here that we should we should react to. Uh, setting clear expectations and boundaries. This is the thing we've talked about a ton. I think we've been really good at that. Yes, I think we have both improved in our weak spots except for target. No unerstand my target because that came out of nowhere. But not laying down

the law. I have been much better at just sort of going with the flow and not putting my foot down immediately. And you've been excellent at not giving into them. Thank you. Um. The second thing is the instead of the why are you crying? You know why questions don't work? Oh remember what I was going to say, The thing about describing your feelings are Brand's kindergarten class does this

a lot. It's like a big part of the curriculum as they talk about different feelings going into different categories. So there's like the zones of emotions. Zones emotions. Yeah, it's like feeling frustrated or whatever. There's four colors. It's funny because I asked Brian about something that happened at school. He was talking about kids like laughing at him or pointing at him or something, and I was like, how did that make you feel? And he was like disappointed,

And I was like, that's such a funny. The clear way of him describing well, the word disappointed connects right back to target, because you know, he screamed and he screamed, and it was horrific anyway in there, and he was punching me, and I was keeping calm, and I was joking with the people looking at me. And we get out of the store, and as soon as we got into the park a lot, I lost my mind and I like put him in his car seat and I

drove away. And then then when he started kicking the seat and he threw all the animal crackers around, that's when I slammed on the brakes and I turned around and screamed at him more aggressively and angrily and rage filled than I ever had before. And then we did tell this entire already on the podcast, but calm down, got to the spot and turned around. Then I tried to like have a serious conversation, but I was still

so enraged. And the first thing I said to him with such intensity is that I'm extremely disappointed in him. And ever since then, he has been using that word to mean like I'm in rage. It's like the worst word, because it was the worst thing was ever happened. He just flips everything. He's constantly trying to discipline me and threatened me. It's really how about this? That's how he

starts everything with how about this? Yeah, He's like, well, how about if you punish me, then I will do this, And it's like, if you don't do what I say, I'll get all the chocolate I've started too. If he starts negotiating, I did you hear that that? That's my alarm that says it's fifteen minutes at the bedtime? Is that interesting? Is this interesting? Um? The second he starts negotiating, I pretend like he's not there because I can't believe how many times I fall into the trap of god

negotiating with him. But I really connect with this. I've had really positive moments with Bran and Maven if you do it at the right time, not when they're in the heat of like what's something emotional, but as they come down making don't ask questions like yeah, like why are you crying? What's the problem? They don't have answers for that stuff, but instead give them a leading question that connects to their emotions. I'm like with Brandon, like,

you're feeling pretty angry? Huh, and he goes yes, And then if he actually responds to that, I know we can we can veer away from the current thing and talk about how we got there. Those are really good parenting moments. I agree. So I agree with this. Maven is really resistant to that though, because she knows she's being manipulated. Have I tried to talk to her or like going to be like, oh, you're feeling rough? She's like, boy, the one the one to three magic with with Maven

Brandon really works. The first few times we did one to three and then he got punished. One to three w works with brand with may even you start to do it sometimes it will work now, but she's so residential. She was being so bad the other night like she was. There's like so many things. She wasn't listening, and it's like threatening so many things. And then finally I was just like, should I throw your princess box away? It's the only thing that works is the threat of throwing

away all of her sparkly pink toys. Trying not to get to that place now, I don't want to. It feels cruel. But when she's been fighting bedtime for like twenty minutes, I'm not many times, Ah, she is getting mature enough to understand consequences. I mean she's three. That's the problem. It's bad though, because then when I have to say stuff like that to her, Brian chimes then and he's like, I'll go throw it away? Should I Like, He's like, you're not helping, Brian. He's like, oh yeah,

I can continue to throw out rules. Um. And to your first point, Susan, I have not read the whole brain Child, but I want to. Now you've sold me on it, and can I just have curiosity? She refuses to put diapers on her, so she puts her in pull ups. Are pull ups diapers? Um? Yeah? Not according to kids of that age. It's true. I don't want to I don't want to yuck here. Yum, Yeah, she loves pull ups, but I don't you know what, never mind, this is the victory. You stick to your guns. She's fine,

it's fine. You stick to your guns. As I said last week, when she looks back on this time in two or three years or later, you will forget all of you will have completely forgotten when or how you potty train, and none of it matters. As you can tell from last week or whenever we read that email, yes for advice, I was like, boy, I had opinions about this at one point, yeah, but not anymore. This

has been another episode of We Knows parenting. If you would like to send us an email give us some great advice, like Susan, you can write us an email we knows Pod at gmail dot com, or you can leave a voicemail at three four seven three eight four seven three nine six. Find us on Twitter, Instagram, and

Facebook at widows Pod. Rate review, subscribe on iTunes, and preorder my book There's no manual, honest and gory wisdom about having a baby And I want to also plug Beth's book um order preorder it on Amazon or wherever by it for somebody for Christmas or Hanukkah or another holiday for next year, because it's coming out in February. Yeah, you won't be able to give it to them until February. But I could give them a nice card that said

I preordered you this book. You could do that and we'll see you next time by Is this interesting