S3:E13 Ryan Anderson's Unabated Pursuit of Family;The Threefold Connection

Good morning , Ryan , for me , and good afternoon for you . How are you today ?

I feel like I've got a purpose to try and help people , so that's why I do as many podcasts as I can speak up , hopefully be relatable , have a nerve with people , tell my story a great inspiration to others to show , no matter what you've been through , to still do your best to have a good life and make the most of it .

At that moment I was upset . It kind of just ticked all boxes that I was an outsider . When you're young , a teenager , majority of us just don't deal with our problems and we just , in my case , just go out and have fun . I was out partying .

You've got more distractions than when you're older and that's the reason why I've only started to talk about I'll deal with my problems currently , when before it was just lots of distractions as a couple of mechanisms , mainly the party inside to alcohol and drugs .

That I didn't fit in context for our listeners , because I think that it's important .

So growing up in a white area , I wished I was white and now when I'm older , I'm actually quite happy that I'm tanned and normally lots of people like to be tanned going on sunbeds or going on holidays . The culture was another part .

I was brought a Muslim but I kind of drifted away from that religion and when the area you don't grow up in isn't Muslim or the same culture , you kind of it's natural just to want to fit in when you're younger and add so many obstacles of not fitting in . Yeah , that was when you're young , you just crave to fit in .

Yeah , the family was kind of scattered all over the place . So when you look at other , it's all just comparisons . When I looked at other families , the family was in the same city and some families are closer than others . So you just constantly comparing yourself and wanting to fit in .

And yeah , it was embarrassing when my family stood out and then say , for instance , the accent my mother's English and I got a Scottish accent . So when you're young you'll make fun of that . Yeah , as I said , also my name as well . My name was a big concern for me .

I was born , I was given the name Rashid Abufad Omarini in 1819 and changed my name to Ryan Anderson and I also had a nickname called Pesci . So I'm going to change my name . It's like a new life and you kind of have different identities which can be quite confusing when you get older .

And on top of the skin color type , there's also some racism that can happen in bullying , which is quite hard to deal with when you're young . Yeah , it's just a part of growing up really and kind of accepting myself now or doing my best .

And you and I have kind of talked a little bit about this . What did you do at that point ? Did you go and share that out , or did you hold that in ?

I went back to Scotland and I was homeless and I just got off at the job and got a flat and started my own life and I was that ashamed of what the information I knew that I kept seeking it for 12 years . I did keep in touch with my mother . She cares for me .

She's been fantastic , but she's the only person I'd have a conversation with about adoption with . But to everyone else the word wasn't mentioned at all and it was forgotten about .

Later you kind of think you're helping or you're trying to lessen the blow or to deal with it when you're an adult , but that's not the case . The truth needs to be told as soon as possible . Yeah , so that's secret . So going up , being embarrassed , being trying to fit in , that was the biggest weapon to someone that they could use to bring me down .

So I wasn't giving anyone that ammunition , I was keeping that close to my chest and no one knew . So keeping that secret was a big deal to me . Yeah , I was really kind of pissed with my mind towards the past current years . It was bringing me down . So that's the lesson learned to not try not to keep secrets . Try not to keep something , talk about it .

And when I did do that , things started to get better and I started to feel accepted , which is nice .

And then the same thing happened a year later , and blurting that out was in that's obviously the bottle getting full right to the top , and , yeah , that could tell that I'm for me . It was killing me , and I also tried to go to counseling as well , and I just walked out . So the timing is most important .

So when I was ready to this date , I can now tell anyone in the street about my life story to my best friend and get others to open up . Best of you to say thanks . I really need to have that conversation , or when I like having conversations with people .

People are drawn to me to open up and if it's encouraging people to open up , then I feel like I'm doing a good job .

Can you share a little bit about how you started your search and what that means to you , Because it's a very interesting story ?

So I grounded . I did have an idea that I would give alcohol and drugs a break and that's what happened . It started off in a month , two months , three months , six months , then a year , and in that time I'd done loads of self-development stuff .

Tried to see me do oil , support groups , yoga , meditation , all the things , cold water therapy all the things that are good for you . I was just experimenting and , yeah , couldn't travel anymore . So then I finally my biggest achievement created a video telling my life story , opening up , and that's led on to so many opportunities . Like yourself , to the podcast .

I love meeting people and open the door to the adoptee community , but it was a very slow process . When lockdown happened in the UK , it was out in March and I finally opened up to the doctor in May and that was an hours conversation talking about my adoption and then I felt great .

And then that led on to my first counseling session Remember the year before I walked out . So this year I was able to do it and that was felt great . And then that led to support groups not speaking and being very fragile , to then being friends with everyone .

So , as you can see , over the two , three years when we've been involved in this adoptee world I call it you can see how much I've grown . But when before I was that person keeping this my life , I think that a close book . And now Um , out here talking to anyone and everyone .

Coping mechanisms have been , you know , alcohol and drugs , and we know through studies and sciences and these types of conversations , that is a common thread in adoptees as well , and so I appreciate it and I just want to honor you for opening up about that .

And , um , I know personally , when you do delve in too much , then the down days are darker and darker . In my case , it's always important to try and tell everyone to have a balanced life , and I've got friends that , um , who are years clean , got friends who are months clean .

I've got friends who want to get clean and are struggling , and I've got friends who are able to , who have found their balance and don't suffer from mental health . So it's important to realize that each person is different and , uh , yeah , I always preach to try and find your own balance . I've been trying to work on that myself .

I'm setting a good example and , uh , receiving a lot of nice messages to say that they are , that people are going to do the same . I really appreciate that .

I loved that perspective when we were talking Uh , can you share that a little bit more ? Yep .

The family is six , Um , but then it's obviously spread out over the 30 years later and they've got children themselves . So they looked after me for three months .

Well , my mum had my parents had to come to the UK and then go back , so I'm very , even though they were three months in my life , I'm so thankful for them and they remember me from 30 years later and I went to visit the .

So there was two parents who have now passed away , and then there was four children , and one of the children they were very close to me .

She wasn't able to have kids , so she then grew an attachment and when she , when I met up with her 30 years later back in January , she was , um , so , so pleased to see me and she phones me every day and I don't think I have it .

So she phoned me just to see my face and tries to communicate , and she's got a big smile on my face and then I just keep replying to say I'll be to Morocco soon , I'll come see you soon , so she's so happy that I'm alive and kicking , really yeah . Then I got my DNA family and as much I want to find anyone in my family .

A lot of people when they were searching , they go . I want to find the mum , the mum's number one . Some people want to find the mum or the dad , Me . I want to find the mum , dad and the uncle cousin Stamping into anyone , because the results on the DNA sites the highest match of a third cousin All these people have .

Whenever I match with someone , I send them my story . They're all blown away and they're all . No one's got any information from me . They're like wow , what a powerful story . Nice to meet you , cousin . They can help as best as they can with my search and If they can't help me with my search , they're Accommodating .

So when I go into Morocco I met some of them and they're treating me like family , which is very , a very nice feeling .

I used to lie and say I was born in Scotland and now I'm actually proud of being Moroccan and Also my mother was English and so I've got the Scottish , don't like the English or some of them , so I was quite a bit . It's about a touchy subject . I felt touchy subject to be proud of England , yeah , and Moroccan .

I was kind of hating Morocco and now I love the country that was growing up , just because I wanted to be Scottish and I wasn't . They three countries Morocco , scotland , in England I've all got an association with them . But but at the same time I don't fit in with them .

So when I'm in Morocco , I feel like I'm Scottish , and when I'm in Scotland , I feel like I'm Moroccan . And when England when England , I feel like I'm Scottish .

Um , so it's basically as an adoptee , trying to figure out where you're fitting , and in some days I'm fine with it , but can be a bit frustrating , for example , being in Morocco not understanding language .

. But I want to bring us back to your Moroccan story and your search . You mentioned that in doing some of the DNA testing , you are actually connecting to you know , further down the food chain if that's the way we want to look at it family members , you've got a big hill to climb in order to get to your Potential biological , you know , first level family .

How are you feeling about that ?

But If I ever get any information , or if I ever get the information that it's not positive , how will I react ? I've always dealt with that . I'm going to cross that bridge when I come to it .

But yeah , there's been lots of obstacles on the way , trying to nearly get infaudited by people and lots of false hope , messages to say I found your mum , and then there's not . And everyone's hopeful and we're all told to say we believe God will find you'll be reunited . Insha'allah . That means God's willing and it's very nice receiving all this positive hope .

But it's down to me to do the work . And the second time I was in Morocco it felt like I was in a film . I was going around with my I've got an Arabic version of my story showing everyone in the street , in the hotels and the taxis , trains , and I walked along the beach myself . I spoke into the police . They're all .

You see all their eye and facial expressions when they hear my story and they're excited and they've never heard of anything like this , just having the guts to go up to all these TV stations . Hello , will you take my story and can be quite exhausting and it's an adrenaline when nothing comes of it or it's like picking yourself back up and starting again .

But I've only been to Morocco twice searching . Each occasion was five days , so it's not a lot of time really . So in my next attempt I'll plan to go to Morocco . I'll plan to go for longer and see what I can do .

But yeah , this kind of halted me regarding a career and then and then that can then make you feel lost in life , but then those days where I enjoyed doing it , I go . This is my purpose . So I kind of stuck between what direction to go . Something's happened just recently in Morocco , yesterday , which has got me thinking .

There was an earthquake condolences to anyone affected by that and it did make me think . Imagine one of my family was part of , were affected by one of my friends who's helped me so much . He lives in Marrakesh . His house has been destroyed and that does make you think about life . Try and live life to the full and appreciate what we got .

I don't know if I , as an adoptee , would have the strength that you have , Ryan , to literally go to another country and randomly ask people , share your story and ask people if there's anything they might know or could help to disseminate your story , or you know just the strength that takes to do that and I wonder if you feel your strength yourself .

But then on the flip side , I have had lots of positive messages to say it's an inspiration , it's go for it . Yes , other adoptees saying Ryan , you went to a country you don't speak the language on your own and you're searching for family . I've not managed to do that and these people are in their 50s and 60s .

Obviously I'm in my 30s searching , but yeah , so I'm quite a thrill seeker . So this is kind of like an adrenaline that there is thoughts crossing in my mind go am I doing the right thing ? And yeah , I start just with a trust in the process because it's kind of like self development . I feel like if I don't search , I will regret it when I'm older .

I need to search when it is important to search when you're ready , because I always think why did I not want to search when I was 18 ? And that was because there was lots of distractions at that age and I wasn't mature enough . So now you should get older , it's natural . Less distractions Only because I've not settled ?

Yes , if it's the one thing that's on my mind every day I wake up , then that's my answer . I kind of want to trust the process and believe , with a lot of attraction , that something will come of this , and something has come of it . Every time I go to Morocco I've met lots of people and they're like you're my cousin , you're my friend .

So if I don't find anyone , I've still got them and that's the person . I am out there meeting people .

It's called the Oak and it is by Lord Alfred Tennyson , which for most of us we can't even think about who that is , and I know this to be very old . But it says live thy life young and old , like young oak , bright in spring , living gold , summer , rich then , and then autumn changed , sober , huge gold again , all his leaves falling at length .

Look , he stands , trunk and bow , naked strength . I ran across this this week in preparation for us talking , and you were one of the top five people I thought of when I read this , and so , as we're closing , I just want to see if you resonate with a couple of things .

One you are , in my eyes , an oak , and I appreciate again you coming and telling us your story and being very raw about the ups and downs and the peaks and the valleys , and I think when I was listening to you today , the things that I took from the discussion are , in summary , be aware of your mentalness , because it's a long road and there are a lot of

ways you can work through and help and do self-awareness . I think that was one of your main points . I also picked up on adoption , community connection and that is my advocacy Just making connection with other adoptees and being able to be in community .

And even though we are oceans apart , we still have a common bond and we're also , you and I , ages apart and I still understand what you're talking about and you understand what I'm talking about . So there's not a huge disparate boundary in the community , it's a supportive community .

And then the one that is a little hidden and I really want to bring it out is you didn't talk about rejection in the search , the potential of rejection , your positivity of I just want to search until I find what I find is encouraging , and I want to thank you for that , because I sometimes am concerned . We spend as adoptees a lot of time worrying .

We sit in the worry space and stress ourselves out over the potential of secondary rejection , and you have not done that , so I appreciate that .

It's kind of just putting your own spin on it and a positive mindset . Yeah , I kind of . I agree in all the points you said regarding the adoptee point , and whenever someone tells me they're adopted , it feels like I have an instant connection with them . Obviously , they got their back .

When I go to all these groups , lots of people say these groups are where I feel they understood , because some adoptees can't have their conversations with the partners , with the parents , with their families , because they're the other half , say something triggering , but when they come to the groups , everyone's understanding and when there's a bunch of us together , loads

of powerful conversations are happening and people come away feeling positive . So if that helps , then we should encourage lots of adoption podcasts , films , books , articles there's a whole range of stuff , even face to face meetups , online support groups .

I make it my job to make everyone aware of what's out there and message me and I'll tell you all my knowledge . It's like I'm a networker and because when I joined the community I wasn't aware of any of this stuff . And now things are getting better , but it's taking time .

It's hard but I always want to try and do everything with a smile on my face , kind of joking around person always up for a laugh . So I'm trying to do everything and spread positive energy .

I have watched it . I love the fact that you're putting yourself out there . So thank you again for giving me this opportunity to help spread your story and share your truth and your lived experience .