Extra Duties as Assigned Suck!

That will not only leave you feeling like you're watching a comedy special , but wondering how the American educational system endures and , who knows , you might just pick up a little nugget of knowledge along the way . Attention students I mean listeners the stories in this podcast are told from the host's personal and versical point of view .

All names and identifiers have been omitted or altered to protect identities . Now get to class and enjoy the show .

Hello listeners , welcome to the very first episode of Vice Principal Unauficed , the podcast that shares wacky , wild and sometimes woeful school stories that happened to an educator who finally graduated I mean retired after working in K-12 , public schools and private universities for nearly 40 years . Who is this educator , you ask ? Well , it's me , your host , lisa Hill .

I'm a former teacher , school counselor , college professor and vice principal who never planned on having a career in education but , thanks to my dad God rest his soul . I did , yeah . More on that story later . Anyway , the strange and sometimes heartfelt stories you will hear come from my memory bank .

I know what you're thinking a person can't remember four decades worth of stuff in detail . Well , I kept some notes , for a diary type thing . Why , you ask . Well , folks , after a few years into my first teaching gig , I couldn't believe some of the things I was experiencing . My college classes definitely did not prepare me for what happens in a real school .

I think I should have asked for a refund . Of course , my tails won't ever use real names or locations . I mean , even if I didn't totally like working with a person , I still had some respect for them , kind of so tales won't ever use real names or locations .

I mean , even if I didn't totally like working with a person , I still had some respect for them , hmm , kinda . So I won't use names and I know that what I'm sharing with you is from my lens . But I gotta tell ya I see my life in scenes like a TV show or movie .

I mean , I did grow up watching shows like Bewitched Laverne and Shirley Carol Burnett , the original Saturday Night Live . I just see the humor in what's in front of me . Hell , I laughed out loud the day of my father's funeral , but that's a story for another day . Okay , where was I ?

Oh yeah , I'm calling this first episode of Vice Principal on Office extra duties as assigned suck , though I wanted to call it . Being assigned job duties you weren't hired for is like getting an unexpected bonus , except instead of money you get a whole lot more work , because that's what happens when you take a job as a K-12 educator .

But that title is way too long to fit in this little podcast description space , so I just better jump in and tell you a little bit about how my career in education got started .

Some of the extra duties I was assigned to do throughout my career and I believe were definitely outside my teaching contract or college training and a little life lesson my career taught me along the way .

Don't worry , I won't get too teachery on you , but that teaching shit kind of gets in your system after you do it day in and day out for so long , whether you want it to or not .

However , I do want it to be known before I get started that I was nothing like some of those mean and boring teachers and principals you may have encountered when you were a student or have seen in a movie or TV show , you know like that mean principal , miss Trenchbowl in Matilda . My school is a model of discipline .

Use the rod , beat the child that's my motto and lock her in the chokie . Hey , I tried . Anyway , believe it or not , corporal punishment used to be a thing in public schools . I will never forget my very first faculty meeting . The principal gathered all the teachers up and locked the door to the room we were sitting in .

I found this a really weird practice , but I soon learned that the man who loved to be in charge always locked the door so he knew who was late to his stupid meetings . He led with fear which , by the way , is the worst thing any leader , no matter what they're leading a country , a business , an office , a school , a team could do .

Don't lead people by using fear . Just don't do it . Why ? Because no one is following your arrogant ass . Trust me , I got a PhD in this leadership stuff . Now get this . During that faculty meeting , the teachers were told the law had changed and staff could no longer paddle students for misbehavior .

But that arrogant ass of a principal said he was totally okay with teachers continuing to display their paddles in their classroom so that they could scare students into not misbehaving . This was the mid-1980s people , so there was some really twisted thinking when it came to student discipline . As for me , I never purchased a paddle .

Okay , let's see who else from the movies oh yeah , principal Rooney from Ferris Bueller's Day Off . You remember the guy ? He had thinning red , messy hair and a bad mustache and he'd sweat all the time His suits were all sloppy . Bad mustache and he'd sweat all the time . His suits were all sloppy .

He would stop at nothing to catch his student , ferris Bueller , breaking some stupid school rule . Tell you what dipshit . If you don't like my policies , you can come down here and smooch my big old white ass . Hey , I'm not the best at impersonations . I was a music major , not a theater major .

Anyway , as for Principal Rooney , now he's a great role model for children . Come to think of it , principal Rooney reminds me a bit of my old high school vice principal . God rest his soul . The dude used to stand on the second floor of the gym , peering out the window that overlooked the student parking lot with binoculars .

The students never knew when Mr Vice Principal was going to play . I spy with my little eye Always pitied the kid who decided to be the dumbass that day . Mr VP always seemed desperate to catch someone in the act of misbehaving and for what I don't know , Maybe he earned points toward his year-end bonus for every kid he threw in detention .

Oh , who am I kidding ? There's no money bonuses in public education . About all you get rewarded is a donut or a cookie , and that can't cost over $2.99 . I'm not kidding , this rule exists , and don't you just love how our government strives to keep K-12 educators ethical .

Clearly , my impersonations need some practice , so let me give it one more try with Cameron Diaz's character , miss Halsey from Bad Teacher . Oh , now please tell me you've seen Bad Teacher . I mean , the antics in that hour and a half movie about sums up what I witnessed in a 38-year career .

Seriously , miss Halsey being a money-hungry , potty-mouthed , pot-smoking teacher yeah , that kind of sums it up . Money hungry , potty mouth , pot smoking teacher yeah , that kind of sums it up .

Oh , honey , when I first started teaching , I thought I was doing it all for the right reasons Shorter hours , summers off , no accountability and isn't that why all teachers choose this profession ? I have no idea why I gave her a southern accent .

So unfortunately , there are lazy , crazy , not-so-good people who worm their way into working in a school setting and unfortunately they stay way too long . I once caught a group of middle schoolers walking around the halls , knowing full well they should have been in class .

When I asked them what they were doing out of class , they said that the sub fell asleep in the back of the room after a movie started . So they took advantage of the opportunity . You gotta give them an A for effort , and I wasn't mad at them . I mean , kids are only as good as the adults , right ?

As for the sub , I checked out the kid's story and , yes , the classroom lights were off , a movie was playing and she was asleep in the back of the room . Of course we didn't ask the sub to come back , but she did get a full-time job teaching at a different school .

As for me , of course there have been many times in my career that I have desperately wanted to behave badly towards some autocratic administrator , terrible teacher , snippy student or problematic parent , or , better yet , I just wanted to crawl under my desk for an afternoon nap , as the bad educators do in movies and sometimes real life .

But the whole integrity thing always gets in my way and keeps my dark , twisted thoughts tucked away in some little corner of my brain .

Now I want to tell you a little bit about how my career got started and the fun school duties that have been assigned to me , which , by the time I'm done , may leave you asking why in the hell does anyone want to go into education , let alone teaching ? Good question , my friends . Good question , good question .

You've heard me say that I worked in education for 38 years , which I think is a long career , especially when the job requires you to work with children . When I started teaching , there weren't even any computers in a school . Hell . The world wide web hadn't been invented yet . That's the internet for you , youngsters . And get this .

Teachers still smoked in schools . I had a teaching partner who actually smoked in their office . Then again they could also be found napping in their office on this extra wide counter .

I never slept at school . I thought about it plenty of times , but I never did it . I landed my first job when I was barely 22 years old , just four days before school started . Not a whole lot of band director jobs in the 1980s , if you know what I mean , but not knowing who was more desperate the school , my parents or me . I was elated to have a job .

I didn't even think to ask about the salary , I just knew I needed a job . The school needed a band director and my parents needed me to be off their meal ticket . So look out , school cause , here I come . The school paid me $450 once a month for doing something I thought I knew how to do but really wasn't ready for .

Yeah , I did go to college , and college gave me a diploma and the state gave me a license , but nothing could have prepared me for the real world of teaching children day in and day out , in a system that was run by a bunch of good old boys . Wait what ? Yep ? Most school administrators were men who were likely former high school coaches .

These guys never really succeeded at teaching , so they became school administrators . Watching them try to lead a school was like watching a clique of washed up high school football players who thought they were still cool , even though they never were and still weren't . Not to mention , their idea of leadership was to manage the school from the sidelines .

You know what I mean . Yell a few plays , pick on the meek pout when you lose and stay in your office with the door shut , creating new plays without seeking input because you're in charge Whatever assholes . Anyway , I didn't realize how sheltered my life had been up until that point .

My parents had instilled in me that I could achieve things I set out to do in life . I could remove barriers , find solutions , but once I was out on my own I had to step back for a moment .

I was this young , energetic teacher full of ideas and eager to create things that would support my students , but my first principal always pushed back on my ideas and suppressed my work . The idiot would attempt to mansplain why my ideas couldn't happen . I found it hurtful and frustrating as hell .

He made me want to quit , but I knew my parents would be disappointed if I threw in the towel so early in my career and , being somewhat competitive , I was determined to stick it out .

Despite his dumb ass , would you believe this moron actually had the balls to write my year into evaluation that the dress I wore to graduation was not dressy enough to direct the band . Mind you , there was no frickin' air conditioning and I was the one who was going to have to tear down the equipment after the graduation ceremony was over .

It certainly wasn't going to be my teaching partner who smoked and slept in their office during the day , and to think my 20-something sons complain about adulting in today's workforce . They have no idea . So before I move on , I want to take a moment to say that I am incredibly thankful for the women who pushed for change before the 1980s .

I can't even begin to imagine what they went through . I mean seriously , I never would have survived the early expectations of 19th century teaching as a woman .

I mean no dancing , no marrying , attending church , teaching all grade levels , handling all discipline , cleaning the schoolhouse every week , including window washing oh hell , no , I barely cleaned the windows in my own house . Wait , wait . You know what ? Come to think of it , my career has been a bit like teaching in the late 1800s . Eh , more on that later .

Good lord , education takes forever to change . Anyway , I'm also grateful for the women and men who continue to push for change today . Luckily , I became an adult woman in the 1980s so women could have their own credit card , participate in school sports , work outside the home and obtain an education .

But being a woman in the 1980s also came with a buttload of sexist comments from every direction . Change happened , but good God needed change is freaking slow . It's like karma , in fact . Who is karma ? Where does she live ? And , for the love of God , why does it take for freaking ever for karma to show up to teach someone a much-deserved lesson ?

That bitch always seems to show up quickly if I put my foot in my mouth . But what are you gonna do ? Persevere , I guess , which I did . As you can see , I saw through the bullshit of the good old boys club very early in my career and figured out how to play their stupid game .

And , lucky for me , I was also fortunate to find and marry a wonderful man who has always supported anything I wanted to try . I also became a mother of boys . I can play Power Rangers , kick a football and cheer on WWE like no other . That's entertainment , wrestling for you novices .

Of course , my husband and sons also attended concerts with me , watched women's basketball as we cheer on Caitlin Clark , so I guess things do change for the better .

Now , where was I ? Oh yeah , here I am , almost four decades later , loaded with unusual school tales , most of which I witnessed firsthand . Some of my stories will make you laugh or perhaps make you cry , while other stories will leave you scratching your head , saying there is no way that story is true . But , listeners , I kid you not . These stories are true .

In fact , I thought about calling this podcast . You Can't Make this Shit Up but I didn't want to get a lecture from my 90-year-old mother , lisa Ann . Sorry , mom , but a lot of shit happens when a person works with children age 5 through 18 for 38 years .

Because if you think working in a school involves walking into a building and sitting at a desk all day while students shuffle in and out in orderly fashion . Sitting at a desk all day while students shuffle in and out in orderly fashion , think again , folks , think again . Seriously , working with children ain't for the faint of heart .

How bad can it be , you ask ? Well , while the majority of adults are eating lunch with other adults during their lunch break at work , oh , and probably sitting around a table . I did stupid lunch duty at every school I worked at , standing . Yes , I said stupid . Why ? Because lunch duty is a very gross and smelly experience at a school .

Think about it Herding kids in and out of a cafeteria within 30 minutes so they can eat something warmed up dumped from a box . And healthy kids act my ass . Have you had a school lunch in the past 15 years , yuck . And what's weird is , the healthier school lunches and breakfasts have supposedly become in schools , the worse shape American students have become .

What the hell is up with that ? Kids were in better shape when school cooks were allowed to actually cook with real salt , sugar and fat . Of course I have my theories on this , but more about that later .

Anyway , I also did bus duty , hall duty , covered study hall , substituted for teachers , secretaries , custodians , and worked in buildings with no windows or air conditioning . Yes , an even more smelly experience , especially with middle schoolers . Hold on , I know what you might be thinking Most schools were air conditioned before the turn of the century .

Well , I hate to tell you , but public schools don't always have the money in their operation budget to keep up with the times , and the business world , which was mostly filled with grown-ass men , have had air conditioned offices since the frickin' 1960s . Even school administrative offices have been air conditioned , but not the classrooms .

In fact , there are schools today that do not have air conditioning . I worked in a school in the mid-2000s and I still had no windows , no fan and no air conditioning . Well , I had a fan , but I had to bring it in myself . Regardless , I'm sure I ended up smelling as bad as the middle schoolers . Anyway , what else did I do ?

Oh yeah , I supervised detentions , which happened to be one of the easiest , calmest things I ever did in my career . I also supervised football games , volleyball tournaments , swim meets , musicals yes , I said musicals .

Those musical parents can be rowdy when fighting for their front row seat in the auditorium so they can see that Fruit of their Loins , war Roll , a slightly off-key song for the audience . These parents are kind of like those in the Music man . I love that musical . Thank you , meredith Wilson . If you haven't seen the Music man , I'd highly recommend it .

Anyway , toward the end of the musical , the band made up of the town's boys attempt to play Beethoven's Minuet in G on their shiny new instruments and they sound awful . But the parents jump up from their seats praising their child , no matter how crummy the performance . School musicals are kinda like that .

Ugh , and I can't forget school dance supervision , ugh , school dances .

I hate school dances Longest three fucking hours of my life Standing in a hot , humid cafeteria or gym , scanning over a makeshift dance floor , looking to nab dirty dancers or a drunkard amongst hundreds of horny teenagers who are literally jumping up and down while screaming the lyrics to some song being pumped out of a couple crappy speakers that are owned by the

cheapest DJ the student council could find on their limited budget . Fucking school dances , and kids these days do not know how to dance . Granted , I never did the waltz or a tango at a school dance , but at least dancing in the 80s required some swaying and a little footwork .

I mean , have you seen Kevin Bacon in Footloose Today , teenagers just jump up and down for three agonizing hours . I mean literally jump up and down and talk about smelly , though luckily , high schoolers have moved out of the Axe body spray phase , but still ugh Though .

I have to tell you , when I supervised a school dance , I often found myself feeling like Marissa Hargitay's character , olivia Benson in Law and Order . I had my school badge , my earpiece attached to my walkie-talkie , a breathalyzer waiting in the office for the first perpetrator , and I wore a suit . However , I couldn't pull off Mariska's heel black boots .

I tried to wear heeled shoes once to a school dance . The aftermath was brutal my feet and ankles swelled . I couldn't walk for the rest of the weekend , so I stuck with my good old tennis shoes after that , which , by the way , shoes are a whole nother story I need to tell you about someday .

As for the suit , I kept wearing those , oh , let's see , I did a lot more . You know , working in a school requires you to wear many hats , most of which you never went to college to learn . I emceed a show , choir concert , and actually sang a duet with a colleague . Well , I volunteered him to sing a duet with a colleague .

Well , I volunteered him to sing a duet with me before he could say no , we sang , I Can Do Anything you Can Do Better from Annie . Get your Gun . We were a little competitive . Anyway , I'm not sure he's ever forgiven me for that one . It was probably because I sang better than he did . I mean cause I could . Okay , moving on , let's see what else .

Oh yeah , I organized graduations from setting up the stage to tearing it down . I mean literally setting up the stage . One time a fellow teacher and I had to crawl under the makeshift stage to hook the damn thing together so no one would fall down when they walked across it .

I'm not sure where in the hell the custodians were for that one , and I listened patiently and I mean patiently , even though I was repeatedly told throughout my career at my yearly evaluations to work on my skills of patience . What the fuck people ? I have a master's degree in counseling . I mean I listened intently to those needing to be heard .

I never raised my voice once to a screaming or crying teacher , administrator , cook , bus driver , nurse or secretary . Yes , all those types of employees were in my office screaming or crying at one time or another while I sat patiently listening to their woes . God help me .

Luckily , most of those people thanked me once they got through whatever type of tantrum they were having . By the way , I never yelled at a colleague , student or parent Never . I may have yelled in my head , but never out loud . Okay , I only yelled across the cafeteria if it looked like a kid was going to get hurt , but I used my mom voice .

I raised boys . I have a good mom voice and I always checked on the kid I had to yell at to make sure they were okay , and afterwards I always told the kid I was not mad at them because I wasn't . I never wasted energy on getting mad at a kid . Kids are dumb . They have zero impulse control and look at our world . They have terrible role models .

It would be very hard to be a kid . Today , adults , we got to do better .

And , of course , I met with hundreds and hundreds of parents to talk about all sorts of things through the years , and one parent who should have worn underwear or zipped up their pants before sitting down in front of me , or zipped up their pants before sitting down in front of me Role models , right ? Yeah , I'm not kidding on that last one .

Like I said , yeah , can't make this shit up , sorry , mom . As for the parent needing to invest in a new pair of pants or underwear , I could have handled that situation in multitude of ways . I chose to take the high road as best I could .

You see , I never knew what a school day was going to throw my way , and this was one of those days that I could never have predicted . The man was actually the grandfather who , by default , had to raise his grandchild . He didn't do a very good job the first time around , so he was going to try harder with this one .

He struggled to get the kid to school and he knew that if he didn't get the kid to school , he would be arrested for his grandchild's truancy . While I wanted to burst out laughing I mean , the man's penis was showing . I kept my eyes focused on the man's face and together we came up with a plan of support for his grandchild .

A colleague and I actually went to the man's apartment and helped wake this kid up on days when the guy couldn't get the kid out of bed . The kid , by the way , used an old backseat from a car as a bed that was set up in the living room . No wonder the child was tired . The kid never hesitated to get up .

Once we got there , the kid would pop up off his makeshift bed and run to the bathroom , still wearing his whitey tighties , and get changed . Oddly , he was never embarrassed . I think he was a little relieved that someone actually cared for him .

Of course , my colleague and I would always give him a little breakfast and a drive back to school after his grandfather thanked us . So while as crazy as this story sounds I mean a guy walks into a school with his penis showing Now that's the start of a bad joke , don't you think ?

Anyway , I believe most educators do go above and beyond to help kids find success beyond the classroom , and working in a public school can be tough . There's a reason teacher contracts add the phrase duties as a sign , because if every future teacher knew about all the little extra duties they'll be required to do , who in the hell would sign up ?

Then again , I stuck it out for a long , long time . And no , I don't care what Ms Halsey said , it wasn't about June , july and August . I'm not sure why I stuck it out . It sure wasn't for the retirement gifts . Oh wait , if you didn't know , I retired twice . The first time I retired , I met the state's requirement age of 55 .

And , me being me , I had a new job within three months . Maybe I did like working in education , who knows ? But I do know I can't wait to share more stories with you . Well , kids , the dismissal bell is ringing , so until next time on .

Vice Principal on Office , push in your chair , put your name on your paper , be kind to your classmates , put your phone away and use your indoor voice , or not . I hope you enjoyed the first episode of Vice Principal on Office and the story shared as much as I enjoyed sharing with you . Thanks for listening and remember life is short .

So you got to do the best you can to leave the world in a little better place than it was when you got here and , of course , for the love of God , try to see the humor in life . I promise you it's more fun and a little easier to get through the itch with a smile on your face .

Trust me , I'd be an expertly ripened bartender , you know , like a vintage whiskey , but with an extra bite , if I hadn't smiled through the egg . Catch you next time on . Vice Principal on Office . Next week on Vice Principal on Office .

Join me as I open up my history book to provide you a brief and humorous history lesson on the American public education system and how changes needed in this system can take a long , long time and are often driven by people who have no training in K-12 education whatsoever , which can be maddening for those educators and for the long haul .

Trust me , you don't want to miss it . Hey , students , I mean listeners . Thanks again for tuning in and if you've enjoyed today's show , please leave me a review . It really helps grow the show . And don't forget to hit the follow button so you don't miss an episode . Trust me , you don't want to be late for this detention .

And , listeners , if you've got a school story of your own that you'd like to share with Vice Principal and Office , I'd love to hear it . Just head over to my podcast website and fan mail or email me your story and , who knows your story , might even get a shout out on a future episode . Thanks so much for listening and for your support .

Vice Principal and Office is an independent podcast with everything you hear done by me , lisa Hill , and supported through Buzzsprout . Any information from today's show , along with any links and resources , are available in the show's notes .

So if you want to do a little homework and dive deeper into anything I've mentioned , head over to my podcast website and check it out . And a big thank you to Matthew Chiam with Pixabay for the show's marvelous theme music . And , of course , a huge shout out to my mother .

This podcast is for the purpose of entertainment only , like the recess of your day , and not a platform for debates about public education . Though you never know , you could learn something .

And just a reminder that the stories shared in this podcast represent one lens which is based on my personal experiences and interpretations , and also reflect my unique perspective through humor . Named states and places have been changed or omitted to protect identities and should not be considered universally applicable . Until next time , keep laughing and learning .