¶ Discovering Core Values in Midlife
don't tell me how to think . That is . I can follow all the rules , I can work in a job , I can be in a church , I can be under someone else's authority None of that is really an issue . But just don't tell me how to think .
I've learned to embrace the word old . I'll be 67 in June and , yes , I am old . I am outstanding , limitless and divine . I am outstanding , limitless and divine . I am old . Hi , I'm Linus Woods Mullins and I love to help women to vibe , to be more vibrant , intuitive , beautiful and empowered in midlife . So come on , let's vibe .
You know , we're at a time in life , especially in midlife , where we're just probably questioning everything , because things are so different and things are happening to our bodies , things are happening to our families , things might even be happening to our career .
Maybe we've decided that this is as far as we want to go , or we've decided we wanted to go in a completely different direction , or maybe we want to go one more rung up that ladder . But regardless of where you are right now , for sure this is a time of change and today I have with me someone that I think can help us kind of put things in perspective .
She is the intentional optimist I'm so glad to have with us , andrea Johnson .
She empowers executives and founders to lead authentically with conviction and confidence , and I think that's so important as we begin to age and move forward in midlife , that we do so with a certain conviction and confidence , and I think that's so important as we begin to age and move forward in midlife , that we do so with a certain level of confidence , because
after all , let's face it , we've lived a long time and there's nothing wrong with saying that . In fact , you know what I've learned to embrace the word old . I'll be 67 in June and , yes , I am old . I am outstanding , limitless and divine . I am old At times . It all depends on your point of view and how you're going to look at this process .
So I asked Andrea to join us today to talk about that , and she talks a lot about core values and how it can help people to be more impactful leaders and to show up more impactfully in their lives . So , andrea , welcome to the Vibe Living Podcast . It's wonderful to have you here today .
Oh , it is wonderful to be here today . I'm ready to sit back and listen . Keep going .
No , we're here to listen to your wisdom . You know , when people think about core values , of course they always tie that to corporate America if you've been in corporate America or other kinds of things from a professional standpoint . But why is it that core values are important from a personal standpoint ?
Well , linus , I think that it's important for us to remember that there's a difference between the things that we value and the principles that we value and who we are , and that we inherently have value in ourselves . And when we talk about core values , I make a very clear distinction between anything that's inside me and anything that's outside me .
So you're right , the conversation right now is big in the corporate world and all about the values that an organization might have , but I like to distinguish between them and say that those are more of their mission and vision .
They take the values that they want to live out , the principles that they want to represent , and those are the ones that they want all of their staff and all of their employees to kind of get on board with and say I'm going in that direction . That's really good for a team .
The problem is when we take that and say , well then , okay , lynn , my core values have to be something that I want to pursue . But I differ . I say no , your core values are who you already are . Your core values are the principles and the priorities that you've had , quite frankly , from the very beginning . I was the I was my .
My mother always said you were the quintessential strong-willed child , and then , when I discovered my core values and understood who I am as a person , I realized no , no , no , no , I'm just a free thinker . I just don't want to be told what to think , and so that's what I do .
Is I help put that definition in place , to kind of offer the opportunity for people to stop living by someone else's standards and start living by our own ?
And what an excellent opportunity to do that in midlife , when you're in that process of self-evaluation anyway , because I don't know one midlife woman who's not even if they're evaluating how far they want to run from the idea of having to evaluate being in midlife . You're all in a process of assessment . So where do you start ? Where does one start ?
Because , you're right , our core values are many times tied up to expectations of what we think everybody else thinks it should be , and it's not so much core values from a personal perspective . So where do we start ? How can we begin to understand what our true core values are ?
Well , I started , I'm 57 , so we're almost 10 years apart .
Well , I'm your elder .
Yes , ma'am , I will respect that . But I started back with the Franklin Planner System and this was back in the mid you , too , mid-90s . Does this look familiar ?
The little six-hole ring binder I went through I think it was right after Covey bought out the Franklin Planner System and I went through Stephen Covey's book and one of the things it had me do was to look at my governing values . And this was the place I started back in , like 1995 , almost 30 years ago , and my very top value was freedom .
Now , back then , as , like a 20-something-year-old , I said I am not controlled by anyone else , by money or time , and I have no job .
Spoken like a 25-year , but now , as I like we talk about midlife for me , when I turned 50 , I had an adopt , an eight year old adopted son , cause I went through menopause a lot earlier than a lot of people and I had just lost my mother and I said you know what I need to figure out what I stand for ?
And as I started looking at how I wanted to show up , I realized in going through some work with I'm a John Maxwell speaker , trainer , coach and disc consultant .
So as I was going through some work for that certification , I realized I didn't really know what I stood for , and it's not so much the things that I wanted to choose to stand for , it's the things that I am . And so doing that work , figuring out what my core values were , helped me decide the direction I wanted to go .
And so when I start working with people and like on a podcast or a radio show or something , one of the first things I say is the best way for you to start looking at what your core values may or may not be is number one what has really angered you in the last week or two , and does it keep happening , right ?
Is it something you get angry about every single time , right ? Or is there a person that comes into your life and , as they enter your circle , it's like , oh there they are , you know . So look for patterns .
This is , if you're not going to do like specific work , this is an idea , just good place to start , or the opposite of that one is what brings you ultimate joy , what is it that just makes you light up ? And do you see patterns for those things showing up ? Because I've discovered that , absolutely , and I will stand on this .
It's going to sound sweeping , but I've discovered that every single decision , every reaction , every laughter , every joy , every triumph , every tragedy and every like absolute meltdown I've ever had and that you will ever have is somehow tied to one of your top core values .
It's either being honored or dishonored in a specific way , and if we don't know what those are , then we're going to continue to have like all of these ups and downs and ups and downs the last thing we need in midlife , when we're already in transition with our bodies , with relationships , with jobs , with some things that we , I think , many times just use as ,
like , our identifiers . You know , like I am a , this , you know , or I'm a nurse , or I'm a doctor , or I am a lawyer , or or , you know , I'm a mother .
Those things all change and if we continue to not look at our core values , then that is also volatile , right , and the more volatile everything else is in our lives , the more that becomes something that just you know , like fried green tomatoes .
I don't know if you remember in the movie where she just hits the car and says I have a bigger car and better insurance . You know , it's like we hit those moments where things get a little out of control , so stepping back and saying , well , where are the patterns ? That is a really good place to start .
Yeah , that's interesting because once again , that makes sense for someone going through this midlife process to stop and take stock of things like that . And what I also hear you saying is that what our core values might have been when we were in our 20s and 30s , that they might very well change when we get to our 40s and 50s .
So how do you begin to understand what your core values are , especially if you thought you already knew ?
them . So I'm going to tweak what you said a little bit , because it's easy for us to hear me say , well , freedom was the thing at 25 , but now it's this . But what I've discovered too and I work with my clients and kind of make sure they understand is that we don't ever really I don't think we ever really change them , I think we just clarify them .
So for me , at 25 or six , whatever this was , freedom was my top core value , and now I would describe it as freedom of thought or autonomy of thought . Like , don't tell me how to think that is .
I can follow all the rules , I can work in a job , I can be in a job , I can be in a church , I can be under someone else's authority None of that is really an issue . But just don't tell me how to think . That may not be your core value , it may not even be in your top 10 .
But for me , my husband has learned that he doesn't say to me so wouldn't you agree that right ? He doesn't start a sentence like that anymore . He starts a sentence with what do you think about this , right ? So I don't think that truly we change .
I think that we become more aware of them and we kind of dig down deep and figure out them and more clarify them . But getting started is like when I work with people and I have a free download . When I work with people , I help them to take a look from .
I have them step back and say , if there were five people in your life that are really close to you , what are a minimum of 10 things that they would say describe you , 10 words that would describe you . And you know , it's this brain dump where people sit down and just write them all out .
And when I , when they go through an exercise with me , I provide idea words and that kind of thing and then we kind of pare that down and make it so that there's like some top 10 , but then it's important to take the time to take those out into the world .
And I usually have people use a little , a little notebook , something like something like this you know just a little , and I put like on the top of one page each word and then have them kind of take it out and whenever something pops up , when it something like triggers a thought and it's like , oh yeah , that's that's my respect core value or that's my
belonging core value , or that's my , my responsibility core , whatever it is kind of put a little check mark and take , like you said , take stock , keep track of them and figure out where are they showing up , what are the patterns , which then helps you kind of narrow it down and narrow it down and narrow it down and then later on , when you start sharing with
people , other people are going well , yeah , you know , it's surprising how other people will just jump in and say well , I kind of known that about you all along , I just didn't know what to do with it .
¶ Distinguishing Core Values From Principles
Now what happens when you write these core values down and you start looking for , basically , confirmation that this is what's happening ? Let's say you've got one , that there's no confirmation on the negative or positive side . What does that mean ?
It means that it's probably a principle for you . It may be something that you want to live out rather than an actual core value , and that's a really good distinction . And so , for y'all who are listening , if you haven't actually given her five stars for this podcast yet , you should , because she has fabulous questions you can tell she is listening really well .
There is a difference between a core value and then a principle that I say I would live out right .
When I do workshops , I start right off by telling people if you tell me that your top three core values are faith , family and country , I'm going to tell you no on all , but maybe one I'm going to push back because those are principles that we want to live out right . So for family , my belonging core value shows up in the way I interact with my family .
Does that make sense ?
Yes , and I was going to say that actually it's really important for us to begin to establish those , if we haven't before our core values versus our principles , because so much of what we do is based upon our principles .
That may not necessarily represent the authenticity of what a core value might represent , and I think a lot of times , the way our society is , which is rich with the need to label things and to give microwave descriptions of stuff and everything else , that we kind of fall into this sheep way of thinking that , okay , yeah , I'm like this , this and this , because
those are the buzzwords of the day and that's where I am . It's kind of like you know the diagnosis du jour . This is kind of morbid , but it's true . You know , you were schizophrenic or you were bipolar , or now you're . What's the newest one they're talking about ? Now there's another mental health issue that now this they say is very popular .
It'll come to me in a minute and actually each one of those are diagnoses that are really very different , but it was popular for people to categorize certain kinds of behavior . This is what it is and that is what it is .
But as time went on and people did more research and got more information , they started using other terminology and drilling it down , and so I'm taking the long about way to say to me that's the same thing with the core value .
You know , you're thinking you're the principle and maybe that's there , but if you drill down , you'll begin to realize that more of you is maybe in this category in terms of the things that you care about . And I was thinking , gosh , what are my core values ?
I know what my core values are for my company and all that , but personally , and I would say personally , one of the things that is my core value is respect .
You know , respect regardless of a person's background , ideology , religion , skin color , all that , that's very important to me , and so I'm going to write that down and see how many times it might pop up .
You know , because I think it's a great exercise to do and I want to encourage everybody to go to her website Is that where the free download is on your website , absolutely Right at the top .
There's a button right above my head Free core values exercise . Oh , fantastic , because .
I'm going to definitely do that , because I think it's a wonderful way of self-examination . Also , it's a wonderful way to self-examine without beating up on yourself , because establishing your core values is not an opportunity to take a bag and keep hitting yourself over the head . Right , that's not what that's about .
¶ Exploring Midlife Core Values
There are no downsides to this . Literally , there is not a shadow side . The only time there might be anything negative is if we start looking at all the things that make us angry , because sometimes those are more .
We're more passionate about the things that make us angry than the things that bring us joy , and so so whenever someone wants to start with that and look at that area , I first say just pay attention , because even if it's something that's making you angry , it's the opposite of that that would bring you joy and that's the opposite of something that's going to do
that for you . But yeah , when I talk with people in workshops , the first thing I say is why haven't we done this work ? And invariably , at least one person says because I'm afraid of what I'm going to find . Right , but what's scary in you ? Right , there are no core values of narcissism , there are no core values of racism . Those are not core values .
There are core values of belonging and kindness and generosity . Those are all core values .
So when we start looking we're not going to find Now we might find that we have some assumptions , beliefs and conditioning like I call our ABCs that we need to overcome and that we need to deconstruct or decondition , because we've understood our core value to be one of something like respect or belonging .
But we're not going to find anything negative because we were not created negative right , we were not created . We were created beautifully . We were created to become and to give , and the more we know about ourselves , the more we have to offer . One more piece that it really does for us , especially in midlife , is because everything is shifting around .
Our boundaries get out of whack , and it's really hard , especially if it's like there are a few unicorns out there that have lived to quote unquote honoring or in alignment with their core values all their lives . And I am just in awe my sister's kind of one of those people . But most of us don't .
Most of us have compromised somewhere if it's for a job , if it's in-laws , if it's for a community , whatever . And so when we hit midlife , I mean that's one of the reasons why it really spurred me on to actually look for it .
But I've discovered , too that with understanding your core values , it's very easy to establish internal boundaries that you don't feel the need to defend on the outside . Right ? So I'm sitting in my house . Nobody's walking up to my front door and just walking in , right ? It's like that's a . It's a boundary that we all understand .
So when I start telling people , I want to make sure you learn how to think for yourself . That's why I talk about critical thinking all the time , because core values are always reciprocal . If I want it for me , I want it for you . That's like you said . I want respect for me . I want to give respect as well . Absolutely Right , so they're always reciprocal .
So that's another thing to look for , and all of this is in that download . But when , when I close my door , I have the opportunity to open it , or not ? Right ? And I don't feel the need to defend my castle . Nobody needs to . Nobody needs to . Nobody needs to feel like I'm in their face convincing them that this is my house .
They just know that andrea is a free thinker and andrea is going to think for herself and she's going to deconstruct whatever you give her . So just be careful if you don't want it deconstructed , because she's going to go through the logic of it all , and if she doesn't , if it doesn't work , it's not going to fly for her .
But when we do that ourselves , it's also a gift to others , because it spurs others onto growth .
So I would say that establishing your core values is probably one of the first ABCs of entering into the whole idea of self-care and self-love , because it really helps you to understand you more and how you encode the world and why you encode the world the way that you do , and it's healthy , emotionally healthy , to do it and I could see how .
Initially , because the core value thing is tied to , in many cases , the corporate experience and that's a whole other can of worms . But what you're saying is something that could be a great tool for midlife women and thank you so much for coming on today and sharing that with us .
I want to encourage all of you to go and click on that thing above her head .
Please do . And if it's not , you know if if you need more than just a simple download because some people are really good at they can just do it . But if you need some guidance or feedback , I have a digital course and I have hybrid coaching that I'm doing right now as well , so I can work with you one-on-one and help you kind of figure it out .
Some people just need a little pushback , you know , to help them kind of figure it out . So I welcome it .
Well , thank you so much , Andrea . It's been wonderful having you here today , and I love the idea of exploring this whole concept of core values , don't you love it ? I love it when I come across something that I kind of know , but then I find out I really don't know anything about it , and that's what growth is all about .
So , thank you so much , and thank you to all of you who listen to the podcast . Keep listening and check out all the other podcast episodes that are here on the show page .
Please make sure you take the time to like , subscribe , comment and share the podcast , because I really love hearing from you and want to know if these topics that we're talking about are things that resonate with you . Thanks so much again for listening . Have a fantastic day and don't forget to vibe . Bye-bye everybody .
Thanks for listening to the vibe living podcast and don't forget to subscribe , like and comment and share this podcast . Have a fantastic day and don't forget the vibe . Bye bye everybody .