Breaking the Generational Trauma Cycle: Healing America's Deepest Wounds

A focus on mental health is a balance within a woman between masculine and feminine energies , and a balance in the man between masculine and feminine energies , because that's actually what creates cooperation , it creates equality , it creates an honoring of our interdependence , rather than this fierce holding to an ideal of independence that's actually an illusion , because we

all need each other , and we do Absolutely , and so I think that's what we're really looking at is not not having the male be more powerful than the female or the female being more powerful than the male , but really coming together to create a society and a culture that's based on our interconnectedness and the value that we each bring to relationship and to

community and to the way we function in business and government and in all aspects of human life , and that is probably a radical departure from what's happening now , but I see that as a big part of what needs healing .

You know that I'm always concerned about doing the things that are necessary to basically take care of our peace , to maintain our peace , because , as women in midlife , it's super important from a health perspective to have a sense of calm and peace . And why do I say that ?

I say that because stress , anxiety , worry those kinds of things impact us physically , they impact our hormonal levels and if you have a lot of cortisol in your system , then you're compromising your immune system as well . So it's really important to take a look at what can we do proactively or , in some cases , reactively , to kind of calm ourselves down .

And also , I think it helps to understand what's happening right now and what we can do to try to minimize the impact on us . And that's why I'm so glad that we have with us Phyllis Levitt . She is a graduate of Antioch University , a master's degree in psychology and counseling .

She's a psychotherapist and she has written a really interesting book about America in therapy , which I think is just fascinating to even think about the idea that we are at a stage right now in history where everybody is stressed out . Everybody is worrying about what's going to be happening with the election .

I don't know if you're listening to this before the election or afterwards might be afterwards but everybody has been concerned about the state of our nation when it comes to the hatred , the anger , the vitriol , the anxiousness , and the question is what do we do about it ? How can we move forward from this and how can we protect our psyche as well ?

So , phyllis , thank you so much for being here and welcome to the Vibe Living Podcast . It's wonderful having you here today .

I've been a psychotherapist for over 30 years and a lot of what current psychology is about is looking at family systems and how they impact us , what our conditioning is from our families of origin , from the people around us , from our larger communities , and in the world we live in that's so technologically connected through social media and the internet , where our

family is really everyone . It's all of the communities that we live in , large and small , and they all have a great impact on us . Communities that we live in , large and small , and they all have a great impact on us . And in the world of psychology , we know that there's good conditioning .

There's conditioning that promotes love and peace and peaceful conflict resolution and tolerance and even celebration of diversity , providing for each other , cooperating , valuing each other , supporting each other to be our best selves these are some of the great attributes of a healthy family system , knowing that none of us does that perfectly .

And we also know in the world of psychology what are some of the elements that create dysfunctional and abusive families . And so , after you know so many years of working with individuals and families and children and couples , it became so clear to me that America is also a family system is a dysfunctional family .

And looking at some of the dysfunction in the family of America not with the purpose of blaming or hating or acting out against anyone , but looking at what really isn't working and that is hurting so many people from a lens of what could we do to heal and that's really the impulse behind my book is sort of like okay , let's look at what's really happening here

and there's lots of good happening , but there's lots of discrimination , there's lots of injustice , there's many laws that hurt huge segments of our population and we , you know , there's there's issues with the criminal justice system , there's issues with women , there's issues you know , there's so many issues that in which many people get hurt .

And what could we do to understand ourselves better so that we could break some of the cycle of dysfunction in our country and restore us to a place of cooperation with each other and deeper understanding of our differences and a commitment really to nonviolent conflict resolution .

Our differences and a commitment really to nonviolent conflict resolution , that's really because these are the principles of the best psychology is healing relationship , not fostering more divisiveness or hatred or acting out .

And I don't know if people I'm hoping my audience understands , because I've been talking about this for a long time in terms of how important it is to maintain a healthy immune system . But because of the level within which we live our lives here in the States , you know a lot of stress , very fast pace .

We don't take very long vacations , high expectations but sometimes low abilities to meet those expectations . Not through any fault of our own , but just because of all the other factors that go into performing an optimum . Sometimes the deck seems kind of stacked against us .

So when you take all those things into consideration , it is not a surprise that the pandemic impacted us the way that we did . But how did we get there ? How did we get to the point where we are one of the few countries that takes like siestas or long vacations or any of that ? What happened ?

But from a psychological point of view , I think that there are some things that we could identify and I think , just inadvertently I don't think through anybody's fault or intention , necessarily , and I could be wrong about that but I think that we have become so focused on wealth accumulation and status and looking like we have it all together and pretending we're

independent , and that the value of actually our human connection has been lost in the shuffle of getting ahead , acquiring being a success in a very outward way . I think that's one of the things and I think the pressure , as you're talking about it , on parents to succeed .

You know when I grew up and I'm probably a lot older than you , but when I grew up in the community that I lived in , there were very few working mothers . Most of the mothers of my friends were at home with the kids .

You know whether that was totally healthy or not , at least there was a parent there and I think that's very much changed , that children are very much more on their own , they're very much more on their devices and the whole focus on our human connection and our family integrity has been sort of shuffled into the background .

And I think families are really suffering and I can tell you that from the hundreds of stories I've heard of people just like you and me who have really suffered in their childhoods from dysfunction and often very overt abuse in their homes . And we bring our unhealed wounds with us into our adulthood .

We take them into the workplace , we take them into the marriages we make , we take them into the way we parent our children , the way we get along with our communities and our friends , and it influences who we vote for and what policies we ascribe to .

So I think we just have to look at the whole level of family dysfunction from the bottom up and the top down now in America if we really want to reverse courses , and that's really why I wrote my book .

Are you saying that's the best way to heal the United States ? Absolutely , not , absolutely not Please .

The acceleration of patriarchal way of being , and the man has all the power and the woman is supposed to submit and comply is part of a dynamic of an abusive system .

So , you know , I love the focus of your podcast being on women , women over 40 , you know , as we women have a lot to offer that is not being honored or incorporated into our whole social , cultural , political system today , not just in America , but in many places around the world , and I think that's part of what creates the massive suffering that we're

experiencing .

And it's not to say that the masculine energies are wrong or bad , but I think what we're looking for in terms of mental health , which is the big missing piece that I'm talking about in our whole system , a focus on mental health is a balance within a woman between masculine and feminine energies and a balance in the man , between masculine and feminine energies ,

because that's actually what creates cooperation , it creates equality , it creates an honoring of our interdependence , rather than this fierce holding to an ideal of independence that's actually an illusion , because we all need each other and we depend on each other , and so I think that's what we're really looking at is not having the male be more powerful than the

female or the female being more powerful than the male , but really coming together to create a society and a culture that's based on our interconnectedness and the value that we each bring to relationship and to community and to the way we function in business and government and in all aspects of human life .

And that is probably a radical departure from what's happening now , but I see that as a big part of what needs healing . I just want to tell you one thing , and I can tell you that when people come to therapy , whether we ever say what I just said or not , that's what happens .

When people heal the wounds that they've suffered , that have caused their greatest pain and their greatest acting out on themselves or other people their children , their employees , whoever they're in relationship with when people heal the hurt that they've sustained , they automatically , without anyone ever saying it , find more of that balance between the masculine and feminine

within themselves , whether they're a man or a woman , and I've never seen that not happen .

. First of all , you're right , we don't have in place the kind of mental health systems that we really need to have , and that is evident in so many ways , all the way to who we have currently running for office .

There's all kinds of debate as to who's mentally stable , who's not , and I'm not going to get into the weeds with all of that , but just to say that at one time that wasn't even a part of the conversation , and perhaps maybe it should have been , because mental health is something that we have not really embraced as something that's necessary in order for us to

be successful as a society . And I love what you said about the different roles , that we didn't say this specifically , but the fact that men and women it should be an equal exchange . And you know it's interesting because what has happened , that kind of , was fostered like maybe in the 60s and 70s . I'm 67 .

So I grew up in the 60s , you know 70s , and that was right around the time . In fact , just a couple of days ago , it was a 50 year anniversary where women could have mortgages and credit cards and bank accounts .

So right around that time , when I was growing up , there was this redefinition of you know who women are , who men are and all that other kind of stuff , and there was , of course , resistance and a lot of debate , but one of the good things that came out of that was that there were some men who realized they enjoyed being home and the woman being the

breadwinner . They enjoyed that , or they enjoyed , you know , assessing what their gifts were , what your gifts were as a woman , and then deciding how to intermingle those so that you can have a very powerful union .

Somewhere along the way those kinds of conversations stopped and I'm wondering if part of the reason is because , even though as a unit they're trying to function well , as individuals , there were still things that they needed to work on that weren't addressed . How much does a person's mental health matter when it comes to relationships ?

If they have issues that haven't been resolved , how does that impact their overall relationships ?

feel about ourselves . What we think is acceptable or not , what we believe are the appropriate consequences or rewards for certain behaviors , how conflict is settled is the big one , and I could list you know 20 other things there .

But we learn from the people around us and if you grow up and many of us have , and I like to , I want to say this with compassion you know , in my practice I've heard stories that are almost hard to believe , but I believe they're true .

You know of what people have sustained in their own families or in their immediate extended family or communities , or in their immediate extended family or communities incredible abuse and sexual violation and neglect .

And when people and on a continuum , let's just say from very mild dysfunction to extreme abuse and neglect , we learn certain things , and one of the things that I'll highlight here , because I highlight this in my book . But I talk about a lot of the symptoms of abuse and neglect on a continuum .

But a big one that I think many people don't understand , which I have observed from the years I've been a therapist , is that when we're hurt by other people , especially the people we depend on and can't get away from and can't necessarily change the way they treat us , people tend to fall into two categories , again on a continuum .

There's no one size fits all for anybody and there are people who don't fall into the categories that I'm going to say , but by and large we do . And those two categories are learning to be more and more helpless and submissive .

If you're really dominated and hurt and controlled by another human being who you can't stop from hurting you , many people just learn to submit because it feels safer , it feels like survival , not to fight back , and in many cases it is survival , not to fight back .

And then they take that learned helplessness out into the world with them when they grow up and that's why you see sometimes people who stand by and don't help their children when they're being hurt because they have internalized such a deep level of helplessness that they freeze . They actually freeze .

The other very big outcome is the opposite People who have learned to identify with the aggressor and become like the people who have hurt them in some way , and they become very dominating and they look for people to dominate . They look for people who have learned to be more submissive so that they can play the part of the dominator . And this you know .

I learned this from working with hundreds and hundreds of people . I saw it over and over again in relationships that I worked with or people's stories of their role models from their parents .

One parent was extremely dominating , the other was very submissive and helpless , and again on a continuum , but at its worst then you have more and more people in our society who have learned to dominate and be aggressive and get their way that way . That's survival for them and people who then can be easily influenced and controlled .

And this is a very dangerous outcome of unchecked , dysfunctional human relations on the family level .

And now it's occurring on a very national level , and it always has been , but it's very accelerated in our country today and , I think , in many countries around the world , and it gives more and more opportunity for people who have identified with the aggressor to be in greater positions of authority and control .

Many people I mean people are already struggling with the idea that their vote's not going to count , but the idea of my or you being able to do something that's going to make a difference . Where can we start and what kinds of things can we do to make a difference and to stop this cycle ?

We don't want to feel powerless , we want to feel like we have some control somewhere .

So a couple of things that I always talk about , and one of them is you know , to the extent that you can heal your own wounds , you will not pass them on , and so healing our own wounds is actually a contribution not only to ourselves , our immediate families , the people we work with and interact with , but it is a contribution to our country , every healed

person and I've never seen somebody heal from the wounds that happen to them and become more violent , become more hateful , become more divisive , become more unjust in their attitudes . I've never seen that happen .

When people have a chance to heal what hurt them , and often early in childhood , they become more loving , they become more accepting , they become kinder , because inside of all of us and this is my belief and this is my observation no baby is born a murderer , no baby is born a tyrant .

We're all born essential , loving human beings who are eager for connection and belonging and safety . And when people become murderers or despots or in some way abusive or hurtful toward other people , it's because something happened to them that they didn't get a chance to heal .

And so one of the ways we can begin , besides healing our own wounds and being , you know , the best people that we can be in the world again given that none of us does it perfectly is to really educate ourselves to know that , inside , the worst perpetrator is a victim who has identified with the aggressor and has felt that that's their only way to survive .

Does that mean they're not responsible for what they do ? No , it doesn't mean that we are responsible for what we do . No , it doesn't mean that we are responsible for what we do , and we need to hold people accountable for the harm that they cause , and we need to do that with an attitude of who can we help heal rather than who can we just incarcerate .

How do you begin that conversation ?

So I think we have to learn to be what we actually want to see happen in the world . And this is hard . You know , a lot of people , and understandably , feel very angry about what they see around them and they just want to unleash their anger . But that doesn't usually work necessarily . Anger usually just evokes a defensive or offensive response .

So I think we're learning and if anybody's been a parent who's listening to this , you know or in a relationship with a loved one your husband , your wife , people that you're close to it's hard , it's really hard to restrain our most upset emotions with other people when we really feel like we're right and they're wrong , but they feel the same way , and so we

have to find another way to be than just fight and escalate the divides , and I think that's what the world of psychology really brings to the table . It really teaches people not only to heal their own wounds , but how to sit down and listen to each other the way they want to be heard and speak the way they want to be spoken to .

And I can tell you I'm married , I have grown children I can tell you how hard it is when we're triggered . We just react and we react in the way that we learned to react growing up . Some people react by shouting and some people shut down , and some people are passive , aggressive , but very few of us actually learn to mediate conflict Really .

Just focus on being responsible . Who do I want to be in this argument with you ? How do I want to speak to you in a way that I wish you would speak to me . What would I choose ? That would be words that I would want you to use with me .

I don't want you to call me a name or swear or scream , so can I restrain myself from doing those things , even when I feel justified ?

And that took a little while , but it was necessary , because we married in our mid forties and I still had teenage girls in the home and he had a teenage son and our parenting styles were very different . I had to do over again and we both agreed we would avoid it until they were all out of the house .

In fact , our marriage really got so much better after they were all gone . It's been 13 years as they've all been out , since we've been empty nesters and it's totally different .

But I realized that you know , we all have different gifts , talents and abilities and I do have the ability to step back and not speak , and it's not so much that I'm kind of you know , I'm giving away my control , but it's just something that I can do that is not sacrificing my core values of who I am as a person , and by doing that it facilitated more

of an opportunity for us to sit down and talk once things calm down , instead of my just feeling the need to express my view right now in real time .

And let me tell you , it is not easy , it's not , and so I feel like the greatest challenge facing the human race today is the same challenge we face in our individual relationships , which is , how do I really assert myself as an equal , have my voice , speak my truth and make just as much room for you to do that and be committed to resolving our differences ,

rather than me winning the argument or you winning the argument and the other person feels suppressed and put down and maybe alienated . How do we actually do that ? And I'll tell you , I think that it's much harder to do that than it is to wage war .

That is not a way to resolve things , and I know people might be listening to this and saying , oh my god , okay , I'm going to work on my relationship and you know , and I'm going to work on how I deal with people , work on myself , okay , that's fine .

But the question is also what changes do you see could be implemented on a national level that might be able to promote Absolutely ?

But yes , and this is one of the main reasons why I wrote my book is because I think that what we can apply to ourselves as individuals , we can also apply to ourselves as a country .

We could really study our history not from the point of view of just the facts you know what happened in 1817 or you know like that but really look at our own history where we came from .

Many , many , many people who settled in America came from persecution , they came from violence , they came from religious differences that were forced them out of their country or subjected them to being killed , or they were poor , really poor , and they were looking for a better life in a new land .

And they brought their traumas with them at a time when we didn't talk about trauma and the effects of trauma , and those traumas just got passed down from generation to generation . And so not only did many of the people come here come from trauma , but they inflicted trauma . Come here , come from trauma , but they inflicted trauma .

How we , you know , enslaved Black people , what we did to the Native Americans , how we still treat many women , and the list goes on of how we have just intergenerationally reimposed the traumas that we have come from , without questioning whether it's the right thing to do or good or not . So , and that's what therapy does .

You come to therapy and you start talking about your childhood for a reason not to blame your parents or whoever hurt you , but to become free of the ill effects of what might have happened to you that hurt you and to take responsibility for what we might have done that has hurt other people . You know most of us .

It's a little easier to talk about who hurt us and how that evolved in our life , and it's much harder to talk about who we've hurt and take responsibility for that . And we all have .

dealt with that piece . And , as things and time goes on , there is anger for the lack of recognition of that . But there's also resentment in the fact . Well , I didn't do that , my ancestors did that without taking into consideration that while your ancestors did that , there's a lot of things that you benefited from as a result of that .

But there's also the trauma of knowledge that your ancestors did that there's so much entanglement that we have in our lives individually and with each other that I think maybe the first step is just to recognize the fact and to begin to learn to respect each other from where they are .

I mean , we may not understand everything they're saying or agree , but it is their point of view and it deserves some respect and recognition . In terms of how it got that way , you're right , they weren't born that way . Over time we're created and I still believe , maybe naively , that there's more that we have in common than what actually separates us .

But there is a contingent of our society that likes to focus on the separation and focus on the differences , to cause division , and we can either play along with that or we can decide . You know what ? I'm not going to be a part of that .

If a person decides that they're not going to be a part of that , which means they might alienate friends or neighbors or whatever , what kinds of self-care things can they be doing to keep themselves healthy emotionally while they're going through this process of not feeding into that kind of negativity ?

But I think one of the things that is also a part of self care today , in the world we live in , is have your voice , make your contribution .

You know , one of the things that makes people feel very powerless is feeling and believing like there's nothing that they can do to impact the harm that they see around them , whether it's directed at them personally or not . Many people today are really impacted by the harm they see being done to other people , even if it's not being done to them .

And , of course , the people that are being , you know , overtly harmed are really suffering . But I think the feeling of powerlessness , like there's nothing that I can do , is actually a trauma . A child witnessing another person in their home being beaten or molested is traumatized , whether they are the recipient or not .

And it's not any different for us as adults in our country to see injustice and feel powerless to do anything about it . So I think it really helps for many of us , it's part of self-care to actually do what is yours to do . Maybe there's something . Maybe it's writing of self-care to actually do what is yours to do . Maybe there's something .

Maybe it's writing a letter to your editor . Maybe it's calling your congressman . Maybe it's starting a food bank . Maybe it's speaking , you know , sharing in your church about your own experience or your values . Maybe it's writing a book . Maybe it's creating a piece of art that lights up somebody else's day . Maybe it's growing flowers .

But let's all join hands and do what's ours to do that can contribute to making the world what we want it to be for ourselves and our children and our grandchildren and all future generations .

Because the best antidote to feeling powerless , which will make us symptomatic and cause the stress that you're talking about , is to be powerful in a way that's constructive for you and it may be very different for different people . But just do what's yours to do . And , you know , the first time I heard that it was really like a light bulb went off .

Oh , I'm not powerless . I can write a book about my experience . I don't know how many people will read it , I don't know what impact it will have on the world , but that's mine to do .

And you know , the thing that's interesting about being midlife women is that now , in many ways , you have even more of an opportunity to go ahead and pursue those dreams and goals and intentions that you've always wanted to do . But you have so many other responsibilities with raising your families or climbing the corporate ladder or whatever it was you're doing .

And now you're at that point where you're stopping , you're taking stock , and perhaps one of the things you might want to add when you're taking stock is what kinds of things within my own daily , with the things I enjoy doing , can I put out there in the world that can be helpful to someone else ?

Which is why you know you're writing the book and doing what you do is so important , because you know it's sometimes it's not about changing lives thousands at a time . Sometimes it's about changing lives one person at a time .

So I just want to thank you so much for being on the Vibe Living Podcast , and there might be one or two people , whatever , who have heard this podcast , but many times that's just enough , because it begins a ripple , that's right , a ripple effect , and so I enjoyed having you on the Vibe Living Podcast today . It's been wonderful having you here .

I thought it was really important for us to discuss this , because wellness is about all the different components of our mind , body and spirit and as we age and begin to want to take a look at what other kinds of things we want to work on , what other kinds of things are needed , taking a look at those things that we don't normally talk about can be very

healing and give you some aha moments , so I hope that happened today . Thank you so much for listening . Make sure you take a look at the links in the show profile Phyllis Levitt's book . The link to her book is in the the profile , as well as her social media and her website . And also make sure you take a look at the Vibe Wellness Woman Network .

That is a network of women who are health professionals and wellness professionals who have gathered together to speak to you through workshops and online courses and blogs about different ways that you can be well in your mind , body and spirit , different ways that you can vibe , be more vibrant , more intuitive , beautiful and empowered in midlife .

So click on the Vibe Wellness Woman Network link there on the show page . Go ahead and sign up for a seven-day trial and find out the ways that you can continue to have an active and wonderful midlife . Thanks so much for listening . We'll see you again next time and don't forget the vibe . Bye-bye everybody , Bye .

Thanks for listening to the Vibe Living Podcast podcast and don't forget to subscribe , like and comment and share this podcast . Have a fantastic day and don't forget the vibe . Bye , bye everybody .