Hello and welcome to another episode of Upfront and Undivided with Luke and Dean'na. Hi. Hi babe. How's it going? It's good, how are you? Not too bad. Good, how are you feeling? I'm recovering slowly. You are recovering slowly. It feels like one step forward, two steps back right now, but I'm recovering. You are. I keep forgetting that I can't do stuff. And then you do stuff and then you remember why you can't do stuff. Yeah. And you hurt yourself. Yeah. But you're recovering. I'm recovering.
I got rid of my appendix which was causing problems. I mean I didn't get rid of it, they got rid of it. They got rid of it. Yeah. It just, it is what it is, right? It is, yes. It is what it is. You just, ever so often you look at me and you're like, is this how it goes? You're my expert. You're my, as we say at work, you're my Smee. I'm your Smee? You're my Smee. Yeah. Aww. I like Smee, he's cute. S-M-E, subject matter expert. Oh, like it's a legit acronym.
See, I thought you were like the guy from, what is it, the Captain Hook guy. Oh yeah, no, no yeah. Is Smee cool? Smee, no. Is this Smee? Right? Or Smee. Now, what is it? Yeah. Aww. I think it's Smee. Is it? I think so. Okay. Maybe that's what it is. Smee-gle is from Hobbit, Lord of the Rings, all that, yeah. Because Smee-gle eventually becomes Gollum. See, and this is how his brain works. And this is how my brain works. See? But yeah, no, it worked. Smee, subject matter expert.
Yes. Yes. Because I have had my appendix go away. Yes. My gallbladder has gone away. Yes. And I have had two children cut out of me. Yes. And I know what it is to have a void. Yes. That's probably the trippy part. That's what I think a lot of, you don't feel the void? I don't feel that.
Maybe, I don't know, maybe it was just the mom thing because I just, yeah, I know what it is to have something and then all of a sudden it goes away and then you're like, why does it feel like stuff is trying to readjust and then adjust again? And yeah, it's kind of trippy. Yeah. So you're almost there as long as you do what you need to do. So we go for walks. Yes. We hit treadmills. We keep you moving. Yes. Lots of prayers for me to sit still. Yeah. If y'all could do that, that'd be great.
Yeah. And so he, yeah. Yes. Yeah. Just bottom line. Yes. So do you know what we are talking about today? I don't because you've been extremely cryptic about this. I have been kind of cryptic. So we just celebrated Mother's Day. Yes. Yeah. Happy Mother's Day to all of our mothers out there. And I will say happy Mother's Day to all of our dads that are single out there too. Because listen, I know what it is to be a single parent and you take on both roles.
And I remember the first time that I had a Father's Day that I was at the church that we go to and they were like, happy Father's Day. And I was like, I thought someone was just being kind of just, you know, just silly and kind of flippity. People are sometimes. They stopped and they said, no, I recognize you. I see what you do. And it was Pastor Mark. Oh, nice. And that's sweet. Very cool. So you could see where he'd be like, happy Mother's Day, dude. And he'd be like, I'm not a dad.
And he's like, but you do stuff. So one of the things that came across my feed today while I was just reading, because today I was at the high school. You're subbing, yep. I was subbing. Yep. And I am officially being called like a lot of my kids today were like, happy Mother's Day. Oh, nice. Which was really sweet. Yeah, that is sweet. And I was like, what does that even look like? What does that mean?
What does that mean exactly as far as like being somebody, like almost being a parent figure to somebody? Okay. Yeah. And I have friends that are at that school that I encounter that I talk to that I know that people look up to them. We've got students that reach out to them that they're their safe place. We also did a training over the weekend about how to be a safe person, somebody that looks out for the welfare of children and others too, but just specifically children.
And it was like, part of me was going, you know, this might be a kind of a quick podcast today, but the fact is that I kind of want to just throw out some really good, solid, practical, like almost a list of what some of that stuff looks like.
Because while I'm talking to these young people and they're like hitting e-hall passes to come and see me and to just sit with me and just tell me what's going on in their world in that moment, and some days I want to roll my eyes, not in a way of anything, but just in a, oh man, sweetheart, if you could just let this go. Right. Oh my gosh, what a better world you will have, you know, kind of thing. And then being able to speak to them in a space where their sweet spirits could even receive it.
And so as I was just reading today, there was an actual list that kind of came across. Oh nice. And so it was- Like for like, what is a mother or like, what is a mother figure? It basically, and it was for mothers, but I'm going to put it on the dads too. I'm going to put it on the gentlemen as well as the women. And I think I'd also, I mean, I don't know where this list is going to go. Yeah. Because you did not share this with me at all.
But I think when you were talking about mother figures and parental figures and stuff like that, I would almost lump also into the spiritual mothers and fathers, because I know like Charlie and Karen and Grace and Willie, for you that have been such spiritual parental figures of, because I know your mom is super huge. She's amazing. She is amazing.
But I know that you've had these other couples and parent parental figures that have kind of shown you what it's like to grow up and to be eventually a godly woman, godly mother, godly wife in the kingdom of God. And I've had a handful in my short journey with in church and all. So yeah. Yeah, Tim and Sheri. Yeah, Randy and Wiley. Randy and, why'd I went blank? Randy and... Oh, I just... Oh, the longs. Yeah. Sheri. Sheri there.
I think that's what through me was like Jim and Sheri and oh, and Randy and Sheri. Yeah. You've had some really good ones too. So what it says on the title, so everything that you're saying just literally is almost verbatim. Oh. So it's talking about ways to increase your influence as a mother, a mother figure, a god mother, a spiritual leader. Oh, there you go. Yeah. Nice. And so there you go, baby. So super simple. And I want you to chime in of what you might think that even looks like.
Or we'll just kind of, this is why I said, babe, I want you to just hit record and let's just go. Yeah. I mean, I'll peel back the curtain because a lot of times we do, we have conversations about what we're going to have a conversation about. And then it's like, we hit record and it's like, why didn't we hit record 15, 20 minutes earlier? Exactly. So you guys literally are getting this hot off the press right now. Yes. Okay. So how to, and it's seven things.
And if you want to add to it, please do. And then you're doing a title as we are talking, which I love that about you. And so number one, be aware. Yeah. Be aware. I mean, I know that a lot of the things on our, our list, we might've talked about over time where we've hit on different topics of different things, but just be intentional, be intentional about what you're surrounded by. Because sometimes the loudest, the loudest thing in the room is not where your attention needs to be.
That's true. And you know, it's, it's sometimes it's the quiet ones. I tell you a lot of days where I'll come home and it's the ones that are the kind of almost the quietest. I try to grab the wall flowers that are sitting on the edge. And then I, I, because I want to bring them in, I want to bring them in. I don't want them to get isolated because the enemy has a tendency to try to isolate people in such a manner. And then if he can isolate you, then he can take you out.
Yeah. And so we've, we've, we've tried to teach this to, to our children, you know, when, you know, it's, it so often it seems like it's the voice of the enemy, the voice of the doubters, the negative voices, those seem to be the loudest in the room. Yes. You know, and no matter what's going on, you know, if, if it's a nightmare, if it's a bad day, if, if you trip up something, you know, five seconds out of your day and all of a sudden that is what will dominate how your day went.
It's Renju Day. It has, you know, for some people. So it is, it's, you know, we, like I said, we've had these conversations with both of our children of the enemy is, is most often the loudest voice. So don't be aware of that one. Right, right. And this is something that when the kids come to me, I have to be aware, okay, you're telling me all of these words, but ultimately what is the root of what you're trying to say? You know? And then, so the next one, number two is acknowledge.
That's where, okay, I've sat down, let's have a conversation or beautiful brown eye girl, our sweet, you know, beautiful boy that we can't say his eye color. Cause it's literally changed three times now. But the fact is that it's acknowledging the fact that there's something there.
This may not be a big deal to us again in the grand scheme of things, those moments where you're like, like today, I, I, what it happened to me, I walked out of the kitchen and as I'm walking out of the kitchen and you're fixing my phone, I said, first world problems, baby, it's not a big deal. And I was having to walk myself through and acknowledge the fact that this is not a big deal.
Or, or like in last with, with last week's episode, you know, it's like, okay, you know, with what happened with our Airbnb, you know, it's like, you know, Hey, okay. Recognize this is the situation and let's move on. Yeah. You know, you don't downplay it per se, but you don't give it more power than what it is supposed to have.
Again, recognize, you know, again, and, and I know, you know, when we're walking through your pregnancy with Sebastian, you know, and it's like, okay, we recognized, we recognize the risks, we recognize the possibilities and then we leaned into God. That's right. You know, that's right. I love that. So as you're saying this, right. So number three, be engaged.
Yeah. Okay. Because when we are mentoring, when we are pouring out our love onto people, when we are speaking goodness and trying to help steer like someone in the right direction, we've got to be engaged in what it is that they're saying. We can't give flippity answers. We can't give them a flippity answer.
Not just being engaged with that person as the conversation, but I, I, I will say very, very loudly in my spirit, be engaged with the spirit of God, be engaged with God in that moment, be engaged kind of back to be aware, be aware of father. What do you want to do? Yeah. How do you want to do this? Acknowledge. Okay, father, I see, I see the problem. Do you want to bring a solution to the, or how do you want to go about this?
And then being engaged with him and speaking his wisdom, speaking his truth, knowing that we've got to, we've got to give people solid answers or we just need to learn how to just and just listen.
And even to bring it down to, I'll say a more local level, even when it's just us, you know, regardless of if we're talking to anybody else or not, you know, it's like, you know, it's just us, you know, engage, be there, you know, how would you feel if you're trying to tell me all the things that happened in your day or you're just sharing about your day and I'm just like waiting for my turn to talk or I'm just, okay, okay, that's, that's fine. But let me tell you what happened over here. Right.
Right. Yeah. Let me, let me tell you something that doesn't even have to do with us. Right. I read it today. So I want to tell you, cause that's more important than how your day went. Ooh. You know? Yeah. That's, that's a really good way of getting disengaged. Yeah, it is. That's bad. Yeah. Put the phones down.
Right. Get off the, I mean, I literally will, whatever it is that I'm doing and I always, I am right now, I'm filtering a lot of this through like just my experiences that I have with the kiddos with you, but today right now it's, it's really, I've had two weeks worth of my kiddos telling me everything and I'm like, I don't want to know all of it. Right. It's fine. But you want to tell me all of it because you're, you know, you're safe. Yeah. The next thing be available, right?
So we've got to make ourselves available. Miss Wayans, when you're in the building, can you let me know? Yeah. Absolutely. I'm available to you. What do you need? I have some teacher friends, period. You know, Hey, in the building, if you need just come stop by, say hi. Whatever you need, you know, administration, different ones that know that I'm there. It's just, they just know I'm there. I'm now available to you. What do you need from me in this moment?
And again, it's, it's that making sure that you are available, even if you're not, I'm, I'm going to use the word wanted at the moment. Yeah. Because again, when, when it comes time for each other, when it comes time for kids, you know, it's like, if you know that I'm available, even though at that moment you don't need me to be available down the road, as long as I'm continuing with that attitude of I'm available when you do need me, you know that I'm going to be available.
Yeah. You know, our kids know that if something is going on, they know beyond a shadow of a doubt, whether they want to admit it or not, that we are available to talk to them. Yeah. And you know that if you say we need to talk or, Hey, I just need your time. Yeah. You know, you know that I will drop everything. Okay. Let's, let's talk. Let's talk this out. Okay. What's going on? Cause it's one of those where, um, I, let me word in it in a different way.
Yeah. Not just be available, but it's like, you know, you hear a lot of times people say, I don't mean to bother you right now. Yeah. And when we have people come into our presence and they feel, do they feel a, yeah. Or do they feel a, Hey, how are you? Oh, I'm glad to see you. Hey, what you need?
You know, um, I think our body language, how we just, the presence that we bring into that conversation of you can tell when you can tell when you're bothering somebody, you can tell when you're taking up their time and when they want to give it to you freely.
Yeah. Agreed. And, and I know I've kind of touched on this, um, when we have talked about mental health and all that, because I know that there are a lot of people that when they're going through stuff like that, they don't think other people are available or they convince themselves on their own internal conversation that nobody is available.
So if we do our best to remind people that we are available, even when they don't need us at that moment to be available, hopefully when those times come up, they will remember that we are available. Yes. If I can kind of really wordily say, yeah, yeah, no, absolutely. It's like, Oh wait, they said, and then they might throw out like a line, right. A text, Hey, are you busy? No, what you need? Or Hey, I have, I have this time over here. I would like to give you, if you, if you are available.
Right. So I love that. Um, so number five, be authentic. Yes. It's, it's just bring it to the table. Yes. Be who you are. Don't try to make yourself. This is what I'm learning, our children and the ones that I encounter and even the friends that we have. Yeah. Um, I have learned that when you and I are authentic, which my definition, you probably have a really good definition because you are Google. Um, but like when it comes to authentic, I think nothing fancy, nothing frilly.
What you see is what you get. This is who I am. I'm not trying to put on any air. I will show you warts and all. Like last week, me completely telling on myself, like, listen guys, I have issues about the time that you think you got it together. You don't, you know, and it's just, but being authentic and sharing even the weaknesses, you know, because like being a mentor, again, this is like, makes you a father figure, a mother figure, you know, mom and dad.
Okay. We don't have to be perfect in this. Yeah. Talking to one of our sweet friends. Okay. Mine and your sweet friend teacher friend and looking at him today and just been like, we don't have to have our stuff together, man. Just, he was like, I just want to hear two different things. Thank you. And I'm sorry. Yeah. And I'm like, yes. Yeah. Are they hearing it from us too? You know, cause ultimately it's, it's, you know, we see what happens when we tell our children, I'm sorry.
Like, they're just like, oh no, it's fine. You're fine. It's all gracious mercy, forgiving, you know, and it's like being authentic in that space of saying, I don't have all my stuff together, but Hey, maybe let me tell you some, some of the things that I tripped up on or, Hey, let me tell you how I ended up succeeding in some of this stuff after I tripped, you know, kind of stuff and just being real. Yeah. People. See, I was going to say real and I was also going to say genuine, genuine.
Yeah. Yeah. Because actually yesterday I was, I was, I was actually pretty real and transparent with a couple of young guys at our church and I was like, yeah, I've, I've been there. They're like, Oh, they're like, Oh yeah. And I'm like, I've been there. I tried it. I couldn't cut it. And they're like, Oh. Yeah. And they're like, it was like a shift.
It was like, I could almost see a shift in their mentality towards me of like, you know, and it, I mean, it seemed like it was a good thing, not like a, they're going to blow me off. So yeah. So it was definitely, um, but yeah. And also I was thinking, you know, yes, be, you know, be genuine, be vulnerable. Um, you know, and, and it almost, I I'm probably stretching here a little bit, but again, back to that, let your yes be yes. Let your no be no. Yes. Be consistent.
Because I've known a lot of people that, you know, they, you know, especially in the church world or, you know, when it comes time to, you know, kids or pleasing parents, um, you know, there's a lot of times where you'll want to, not that you want to over, overextend yourself, but you will to try to make yourself look good or look better.
And it's like, you know, if you just, if you're just honest and you're, you're authentic about who you are and what your limits are, your capabilities, you know, that's, that's a lot, you know, that's a lot more, you'll be viewed in a better light. I think I'll say it that way. I kept hearing, I keep hearing honorable, like you become honorable because what you, you're being, you're being, like you said, genuine, I love that word genuine. Um, your, your capacity.
I know what, I know where my limits are. I also know what my God is capable of doing and where I'm weak, he's strong, but I also know that I'm very limited in who I am and, and, Hey, I didn't cut it, but you might. And I'm praying that you do. But if you don't, Hey, listen, that's, that's kind of a hard task and you, I couldn't.
And I think it doesn't give people an out, but it definitely puts people at an ease to where you're not, they're not having to feel like they're having to kill themselves for perfection. Right. Um, I think it takes you in a completely different space at that point, you know, to where it's like being authentic, being present over perfect, being, being in that moment with them and saying, or even just looking at them and going, I have no idea. Yeah. Wow. I have no idea. Yeah. You know what?
Like, do you want to pray or do you just, I have no idea. Maybe go talk to God about that. Let's just see what God has to say. You know, what does his word say? Or just, I don't know. Oh. I don't know somebody that does. It's just okay to say, I don't know. Yeah, it's true. I don't know. Yeah. Um, be number six, be active. I like that. So what would, so when I say that, what does that look like to you? So because I am who I am, it goes in, it goes in two different directions for me.
When you say be active, especially when it's like this, because it's yes, there's the, the physically active of, you know, especially when you have like younger kids, you know, go play, you know, get on the floor, roll around, you know, older kids, you know, go and do stuff with them, you know, the actual physical active doing stuff, being there.
Yeah. But it's also, I think of the, the emotional, the mental being active of, you know, being, trying to be like proactive instead of reactive, you know, trying to, trying to have those conversations of, you know, what could you be expecting? You know, or, you know, Gabri's 18, she's in college, you know, she's, she's had the thoughts of career, the thoughts of moving out.
And it's like, let's have those, those active conversations of let's, let's help prepare you for what's out there and, and teach you strategies for, for ways of thinking about what's out there and what to expect. So that way it's not, you know, it's, it's not the modern day equivalent of just driving them out to the woods and dropping them off and saying, good luck, see you in six months. Right. They're not blindsided. Right. Yeah. Right.
So it's like, so when you say be active, it's like, I, I, that's where my mind goes. Yeah. So no, I absolutely agree because it is, it's, it's okay. We've talked about it, right? So we've become aware of the things we've acknowledged what's going on. We are now engaged in this. Okay. We're having a conversation. That means basically we're having, we're making plans. Let's figure this out. We're making ourselves available. We're being very transparent.
Transparent is another very good word with authentic. Right. Oh yeah. Yes. And then you've got to put that into some practice. Yeah. You've got to, like you said two things ago, let your yes be yes. Let your no be no. Yeah. I'm available. Are you though? Yeah. I'm, I, I need some advice here. Are you going to give me some really good sound? Yeah. Are you even taking the advice that you yourself are giving? Yeah. And what are you doing just in that space too?
Yeah. And, and also it just came to me while you're going through the list of, you know, again, last week we were talking about what we did on our anniversary trip. Yeah. And we talked about, you know, those, we realized we weren't the best at setting goals for our marriage, which, which we're different. We're different. We'll get there. Yeah. And then we did have the conversations of where do we want to see?
Yeah. Where do we want to be in six months, 12 months, whatever, or, or, you know, and where do we, what do we want to see out of us? And so again, being active is what are the steps you can take for that? Right. You know, right now is one of the steps for one of the things we talked about of recording and being present and active for this podcast. And consistent. Yes. Being consistent. Being available to our listeners if they have questions. Correct. Or comments. Absolutely. Or suggestions.
Yes. That's a hint for you to shoot stuff to us. Yes. Okay. And then the last one, which I absolutely love because we talked about this over the weekend in our training, but be an advocate. Oh, yes. So you want to be somebody that, man, I'm going to be your cheerleader. Yeah. I'm going to believe the best. I'm going to speak the best.
I'm going to, I mean, I don't know how many times in a day I will say, I have extreme faith that you will do whatever it is that you put your mind to, you know, being an advocate, speaking those things or helping set them up to succeed. Yeah. Whatever capacity that looks like. If you're a teacher, you're helping them in the grades.
That sweet shout out that I got from that student, just basically I'm failing all of my classes, but here's Mrs. Wants, like reaching out to all of my other teachers and helping me pass my classes so I could succeed. And it's like, this is this taking the extra effort going, as the word of God says, go the extra mile. When somebody asks you to go a mile, you go to, when they ask you for your shirt, you give them your coat.
You know, it's just going above and beyond to try to help whoever it is that you are pouring into to succeed. Yeah. And when you said be an advocate and you're talking about being that encourager and setting them up for success, in my mind, I also heard be the protector. Yeah. Yeah. Because not that, again, when it comes to you, my spouse or our kids or our best friends, whatnot, you don't want to completely shield them and hide them away from all the bad stuff in the world.
But again, you want to be protective of, I'm going to do my part to make sure some of the junk that doesn't need to be here doesn't get here. Or I'm going to protect you by teaching you how to shield yourself or deal with the stuff when it does come in. Right. So that's what I heard. I love that. So again, just another little shift on that of, yeah, yes, be the cheerleader, but also be the protector. I love that. I love that because it is.
It's like, I see a pitfall ahead of you that you might be blindsided to. Let me be the friend that says, hey, probably don't need to go there. Probably don't need to talk to that person. Probably don't need to drink that extra whatever. Probably don't need to, you fill in the blank. You do whatever it is. And to cut off, to help cut off. Yeah. Because it's like, or even just be the advocate. Again, I go back to today. Babe, I literally talked to three, three different females.
And it was almost verbatim, each one of them. And I'm looking at them going, you got to know your worth. You got to know your worth. You got to know who you are, that you were created on purpose, for purpose. Miss Lance, why do you say that all the time? You say that all the time. It's because it's true. Because it is true. Because you're not an accident. You're not a happy little accident. This is not Bob Ross. This is not a happy little accident. You literally are, it's intentional.
You're walking this earth intentionally. Why are you giving away your goods to just anybody? Why are we doing that? We don't do that. No, I'm sorry. That's not who you are. I'm literally mama bearing all of these girls right now. And it's like, and that's what it is. Be somebody, not just the advocate that says, I'm going to help try to shield you, but I'm going to dig in and I'm going to pull those things out and I'm going to say, look, look what is inside of you.
Look, the enemy has done a really good job of trying to bury you, but listen to me. This is where the rubber meets the road. This is where I get to speak into that thing and call it to existence and say, no, you will live and not die. You have a hope and a future. And it is good because we have a good God that is intentional, that wants good and not evil for you. And it's like when we get adamant about our list, do you like my list? I do like your list.
It's like when we get adamant about that list, when we become intentional with our time, when we have a mindset that everybody that we encounter, everybody, everybody that we encounter, I'm literally filtering through everybody that I've talked to today. And I'm just standing back going, God, you designed them. They're literally yours. If we become that intentional, I'm not saying mentor everybody around you, but leave them better than you found them. Speak the goodness of God, smile.
Hi, how are you? You know what? It was really good to see you today. Always good to see you. Just be that person. Yeah, I mean, again, it's, it's they, the Bible says they will know us by our fruit. You know, what, what fruit are you planting? You know, not planting, but what fruit are you dropping off? Yeah. While you walk by people, you know, or, or when, when they walk by you, what fruit did they see on your branches? Yeah. You know, how does it smell? Right. Because fruit smells.
It has a smell to it. It has blossoms. This just, you know, it smells. Yeah. Is it a good smell or do you got some rotten stuff? What is what? And I know that we've talked about that once, but what do you smell like? You know, but it is, it's true. It's it's that's good, babe. I literally watched like us walking around like trees and just dropping fruit. And I just, NC and I, I, I pictured us with like a fruit cart, just like pulling it behind us. See, I just saw Groot. Yeah, I love Groot.
I do guys. Yeah. Guardians of the galaxy fan. It's true. But that's it. But that was, that's, that's literally, I like that. That's really good. That is, that is what came across my feed. And I went, yes. Yeah. All of it. Yes. Because it is these practical things that you and I are constantly saying, how does that even work? How do I mentor somebody? How do I speak into somebody's life? You know, we've got all the, we've got people that mentor us and it's like, why, why do I come to you?
Oh, because you're real. Yeah. Because you're, there's nothing phony about you. I come to you because there's something in your life that I want. You exemplify what it is that I'm striving to become. How do I do that? And then here's your list. Yeah, I dig it. So what is the title of our podcast today? I was, I was just going to put reflections on mothers or, or maybe reflections on being a parent, but yeah, but yeah, I was just going to do reflections on mothers. I like it.
So, but this goes for the dads, the friends, like you said, it goes for everybody. It really does. So if this, when we communicate, these are the, these are the qualities. Yeah. Be aware. Acknowledge. Be engaged. Be available. Be authentic. Be active. Be an advocate. Yes. And I'm going to put even one other one in there. Don't be a bully. No. Be somebody that's soft and gracious and merciful and kind. Yeah. You don't have to know it all guys. You do not have to know it all.
And we don't have to get our own way. No, no. We want to make sure God gets his own way. That's the bottom line. But we don't need to get our own way. No. So yeah. Okay. That's it. Yep. All right guys. Have the best week. Okay.