Hello and welcome back to another episode of Upfront and Undivided with Luke and Dean'na. Hey babe. Hey babe. You're busy playing on your phone. I'm not playing, I'm looking up scripture. And the next thing you start talking and I'm like, I was not. You even asked me, babe, are you ready? I'm ready. And now I'm like looking and I, oh, see, it's the video. It's coming. Yeah. We are even closer now to video than what we were before. Yes. Because, babe, what did you put in Amazon
cart and I bought? We got computer components and lights. So, yeah. So we've got two cameras. We got the cables. We've got the computer set up. We got the cameras. I already said cameras. You got another camera, though. Got another camera for Sebastian. Yeah, got another camera for Sebastian. Because you guys have a project that you're going to be working on. Because that's going to be an interesting little project, yeah. I'm very excited. Thank you for turning this down all
of a sudden. Yeah, earlier we were talking, and it's like, wow, that's really awesome. Yeah, let's hear each other. And I'm like, that's really loud. It's really loud. I feel like I'm yelling at you. Why are you screaming at me right now? But you and Sebastian are going to be doing a project soon. Yes. Because one of our amazing friends gave him an amazing idea. And he wants to run with it. And so, okay, let's run with it. Let's see what happens. We're going to see
what happens. I'm stoked. Yeah. I'm personally stoked. We're just kind of watching all of these things just kind of, okay, God, what's up to you? Like, congratulations, you have a new car. Yes. Congratulations. We have business cards coming. Yeah. I don't know why I say congratulations, but I think it's just in my mind, I'm like, we've had a lot of y 'all and friends and family, different ones that have been kind of. uh, keeping up with
us, finding out what we're doing. We've got some friends that are like, come move this way, come move this way, be closer to us. Other friends are like, no, you will never move. You will always be here. It's like, I almost, I almost want to say we have friends that are passively cheering us on. And the reason I say that is because they're, they're, they're encouraging, they're cheering us on, but they're not like, because we're not
a hundred percent there. at the starting line i mean we are but like i don't know it feels like the excitement's there the anticipation's there the the encouragement is there but it's not like full -throated like it's not like you know it's like all the excitement of like getting ready for the race and then all of a sudden it's like the starting gun hasn't gone off so it's like So it's like all that preparatory encouragement, if you will. Yeah. No, I hear what you're saying.
I think it's how you look at it. Ooh. I think it's all in the perspective. Because in my brain, that gun went off a long time ago. Yeah. Way back here, like, hey, I want you to start this podcast. Now I want you to go get your certifications for relationship coaching. Hey, I want you to go and I want you to speak and I want you to be part of this event. And then it's like, hey, I want you to even sit in front of couples and,
you know, give advice. You apparently have. pulled back the curtain now to your new co -workers because you have moved positions yeah change teams same position change teams yeah and so you have pulled the curtain back and let them know what we do and now yeah now they're like soliciting me for advice everybody wants to know like to the point where yeah to the point where one one co -worker was like you need to fix my husband i'm like no No, I know. I'm like, I know
your husband. He's a cool guy. Yeah. No, that's not how this works. Yeah. Yeah. Right. Which is, which was funny. Cause when you were working with him, he's like, fix it. Yeah. Fix it. I mean, he didn't so much fix it. It was more of just, why? Yeah. Why is this? Why is this? Why does this happen? And then you would get me involved. Well, I say you get me involved. I would. I would share how my day went and some of the conversations.
And he was gracious enough to hear what I had to say and go, I don't think I even thought about it like that. So it's encouraging to know that there has been enough groundwork done. Again, the... The gun that has gone off and you're like, you know, cause we're not like running hard. I literally feel like the tortoise and the hare and we are the tortoise and we are just, we are steadily intentionally moving forward and taking ground by doing the little things to build the
foundation, to do this stuff. We're being obedient. We're just being obedient and doing what it is that we feel that God is telling us to do each step of the way. And each step of the way, he meets us. And each step of the way, it feels like just a little bit more. He goes, okay, nope, nope. Do you trust me? I know this may not make sense or nope. do you trust me? I know you don't see the big picture, but Oh, do you trust me? And it's like, no, I do trust you. I do trust
you. And it's like, sometimes you and I will sit there and look at each other and we won't say a word. And then there's other days where we look at each other and we'll say the quiet parts out loud. And then there's other days where it's like, I have absolutely no idea. No idea. None. When are you guys doing bubble? No idea. No, that is not something he has told us today. Yeah. Well, well, are you seeking him out? Okay. I want to punch you in the throat now because
like, yeah, totally seeking him out. But yeah, it's, it's, um, it's, it's, I like it. I like the journey he has us on. Yeah. It's, it's building the momentum. It's like being in the gym where you do kind of this, the warmups, you do the, you know, the, the PT, the stuff before it's
like you start running. yeah and it's even like when you say that like it's like it's in the gym even when you when you are at the gym and and even if you're faithful you know it's like you've been it it feels like you're not going anywhere because you keep lifting the same weight but yet you're secretly getting stronger not secretly but quietly yeah getting stronger yeah you know and and it's like you don't realize that you are and all of a sudden oh maybe I am
yeah I mean something comes in front of you either it's an opposition or an opportunity and then you go from second guessing like do I even have anything to whoa I don't think I realize that this whole time I've been building my stamina and this is yeah here we go yeah yeah I love that Okay. Well, that was just kind of a weird randomness of stuff. Not really. But here it is. I was going to say it wasn't really random. It was like, here's where we're at. Yeah. Yeah.
It's good. Yeah. So what are we talking about today? So I'm going to call today no changing. No changing. Right. Okay. So. What does that mean? Because it almost. It's kind of tongue -in -cheek for me because I know a lot of our talk. We talk a lot how change is good, how change is inevitable. Growth is good. Being uncomfortable in those seasons, that is good because you want growth. Again, it can be uncomfortable to lift heavy weights. It can hurt. You know, and it's
there's that growth. There's that change. There's that, you know, that that process. So change is good. Change is a welcome thing. Right. But I wanted to call it no changing. Kind of kind of like I said, kind of tongue in cheek. But I wanted to say, no, you can't change your spouse. Right. Because that's kind of what I wanted to. I mean, not just me. I mean, we've been talking about this a little bit off and on for the past
week or so. Right. And so it is. That's what I wanted to call it because I think that's the best thing to remind people is you can't change your spouse. Who your spouse is when you meet them, that's who they are. That's who they're going to be. You can't change them. Only they can decide to change themselves, and truly only God can change them. Right, right. So it's that little fun reminder. Yeah. So I know that there was a couple of scenarios that came to the surface
that made us even have this conversation. Yeah. And one of them was hearing a couple basically fight. over a scenario. And with the scenario, this is something that the wife got very upset with the husband. And we're standing back and we're watching this and hearing this and going, wait a minute, this is something that you've known about this person for the whole duration. Yeah, and we could say this about so many couples that we don't know because this is a... It is
more common than not. Right. And I know that I literally even put something on Facebook, two different things, actually. And it was talking about the argumentative wife and that there's no man that wants to be with an argumentative wife. And I know that we in the past have heard it said and have said it ourselves that no man
wants to sleep with his mother. Because if you are somebody that is constantly bickering and griping and harping on your husband, you're basically becoming his mom as opposed to his counterpart, somebody that he can come alongside with and grow something with. And so too many times we have seen where the very thing that this person is trying to change is the very thing that you
fell in love with. Because I know time and time again, like even in our own story, me stepping back and having to pray and ask God to give me wisdom because there were certain things, qualities, personality traits that you have. And I remember literally Holy Spirit like really pressing on me and basically saying, if you try to change him, you will destroy him. And I think too many times, and this goes both ways. It's not just a husband to a wife or a wife to a husband. This
goes both ways. A lot of times, what happens, the thing that changes when you become man and wife is now you are with this person on a greater
basis than you were before. If you were not like... together before if you weren't living together before but even then i believe that something shifts in the atmosphere something shifts in the spirit realm to where it's like when you go from boyfriend girlfriend even engaged to husband and wife like all of a sudden the certain little nuances and the the quirks of who your person is the things that you found enduring almost become a little bit more amplified and
can potentially grade if you're not careful. Yeah. And I think also part of it is that whole, as much as we talk about, you know, don't read, you know, nobody's a mind reader, you know, how much of their, or how much is it out there that people are like, well, now that we're married, they should know. Well, now that we're married, they should stop that. Right. Now that we're married, they should now start doing that because we're married. They should know that this absolutely
irritates me. No, that's not how this works. That's not how this works. If they didn't do this beforehand, if you knew that they never separated their laundry, their dirty clothes before tossing them in the washer, just because you're magically married now doesn't mean that, oh, they're now going to sort their clothes. No, no, that's not how that works. Are you secretly trying to tell me something? Nope, not at all.
I am not secretly saying anything because I will tell you that doesn't bother me because I'm the kind of person that I'm like, look, they're all dirty. Throw them in the cold. They're all the same. They all get washed the same. Unless it's something that it's like, oh, this has to be washed separate or this has to be washed special.
It needs bleach or something. like with my bjj my gi it's like okay that has to go in the gentle and it hangs dry by itself right so it's like okay we're obviously not throwing that in with my underwear and socks okay cool but i don't i don't i don't care all i came thinking is good to know yeah i did not know this that's good yeah um but again that's kind of why i i take care of it i toss it in but um You know, but again, it's those things that, you know, how
many spouses are out there and they're like, they'll quote unquote put up with something, behavior, attitude, personality, and just they have it set in their mind that, well, as soon as we get married, this will stop. Right. This will change as soon as we're married. Or I can change them. Yeah, that too. If I'm hanging out with me and if I nag them enough or if I gripe enough or if I, you know, if I show them the way. If I show them the way enough, then they
will be better at this. And it's like, I think, can some of that happen? Yeah. Is it better to, number one, have a conversation? Yeah. Hey, babe, guess what? This kind of grates my gears a bit when you do X, Y, Z. Yeah. And it's like, oh. I'm sorry, I didn't realize that that even bothered you. That didn't seem to bother you before. Well, again, A, we weren't living together. We weren't married, doing all of the things. So I didn't
know how you squeezed your toothpaste. Or I didn't know that, oh, you don't close the lid on the toilet bowl. And could you do this for me? Because this just helps. And I am speaking out of my space because that is. was my thing. That was the conversation we had. Yeah. I was like, would you mind closing the toilet seat and the bowl or the lid for me? And it's like, okay. And I said, you know what? It just looks nicer and it doesn't have all the weird germs and the things.
Yeah. No problem. Yeah. And it's like, cause ultimately I didn't care. You didn't care. And it was like, and I think too many times it's like nine out of 10 times your person probably is not going to care. Yes. You know? And if it's something that is very. It's just ingrained in them. Number one, it's going to take a second to break a habit. Or number two, this may be something that they just go, this is just honestly who I am and it shouldn't be that big of a deal.
It's like I would almost say start with not even so much the things that get on your nerves or bother you, whatever. Even just if it's something like asking in a polite and respectful way of, why do you do that? You know, without being weird. Hey, can you explain why do you fold your shirts like this? Maybe that was our first conversation. It was several of our first conversations. Why do you do that? What possessed you? You know,
but it is. I think, A, you need to sometimes have the conversation of why do you do this or
why is this? But also, for some of these things, hey is this important to you that's good you know like the toilet lid yeah it's like oh this you care about this yeah i don't yeah i could do this yes yeah you know it's like it's not a thing in my world right you know i mean you've you've been to my parents house it is it is not a thing that i grew up with no no but i love how funny side note since you said that yeah i love that Since that is a thing in our world,
it has bled over and it's become a thing in your parents' world. Is it? Yeah, because I will walk in and that toilet, all the lids are... I was just there yesterday cleaning. Everybody's toilet, except the downstairs downstairs one, all the toilets were closed. Nice. And they bought soft closing toilet seats. Because that's what it is in our world. And they were tired of hearing their grandson slam the toilet seats. Because that's what we do. And our children do that.
You close the toilet seat. That's just what you do. But it is. But it does. I think that's a big part of it. Is this important to you? Again, another one of our favorite examples is my shirts, my t -shirts. It's like, it's enough important to me. Will the world end if it doesn't happen? No, not at all. It is not that life or death changing important to me. Right. But it's a preference. Yeah. And it's like, yeah, I have no problem doing this. Yeah. And it's enough of an importance
to you to where you want to do it. If it doesn't get done the way that you like it to be done, you'll just redo it and get it done yourself. And that's not you trying to be slighted with me, not trying to be rude. It's just like, this is important to me, baby. See, I'm having a struggle. I mean, we've talked about this before. My hands don't do that. I literally, my mind is backwards
on this. I can't do that. um another thing that I know that like even conversations that our daughter has had in in past and even for future spouse like Well, Mom, there's some things that I don't want to have to explain, like why she will have a certain pillowcase because of the texture of her hair, things like that. Well, I'd rather not have that conversation. I'd rather
have somebody know. And in my mind, I'm thinking, sweetheart, even if somebody has the same textured hair as you or comes from the same similar background as you, it's not a guarantee that somebody's going to know. Military background, it's not
a guarantee that somebody's going to. to know you know it it's it's having you keep saying it why why is this important to you yeah why why do you deem this something that that seems to bother you if it doesn't get done a certain way yeah why is this and it's like if we if we just take the time to understand a regardless of somebody's background their culture their history even female their gender whatever the fact is that this is you know well that should
be important to you no it's not i'm a person i'm an individual you know i'm not i'm not just this one thing yeah and i think when we come into that space and give people people license and permission to to ask questions to be able to say oh, I didn't know that, or, well, that might be important to you, but not to me, you know, to give them permission to be who they're created to be or who they are, then I think that's when you get to come into the world of compromise
and learning. Like, babe, why do you do this? Oh, well, I do this because this is how I was taught in the military. Okay, well, I have enough military people in my family to know that that's not always the case. I do not believe that my
brother does stuff like that. My brother, according to my sister -in -law, and I'm not throwing you under the bus, Bobby, I'm really not, but it's like, according to my sister -in -law, my brother doesn't even do laundry, so it's like any part of it, and that's their dance, and that's cool with them, but in my mind, I'm like, it's a preference. It's a personal preference. Because I think also I want to kind of come back to like some things that I know I started to steer away from it.
But it's like I almost want to go back to, you know, behaviors, personalities, stuff like that. And it's like, you know, if this isn't something that you think you'll get along with. Come on.
if this is something that it's like it really, you know, and this is why, you know, when we've had conversations with, with young people that have come into our, our sphere of influence and they're like, you know, and we talk about, you know, go ahead and, and work out your, your list of like expectations, your list of standards, you know, don't list. My perfect spouse will look like this and talk like this and do this
for a job and earn this much money. It's like, no, no. Set the expectations of how you want them to act, how you want them to treat you, their character, stuff like that. Because at the end of the day, that's the stuff that really matters. That's the stuff that's going to get you through the day -to -day. And if they don't have those things when you're courting, when you're dating. When you're engaged. It's like. Are you sure you want to be with this person.
If they don't have. If they're not up to your standards. Or they're not. They don't have the kind of character. That you want them to have. Are you sure you want to spend your life. With this person. Thinking well I can change them. Or I'm sure they'll change. Once we get married. It's like they won't. Or even if I just give them enough time. Right. In some case scenarios,
I would say, yes, there's time. Okay. When you and I got married, I had my own little cleaning business and I was working at a news station. You were a full -time college student. Yes. You did bring something to the party. You weren't just a deadbeat person at all. You weren't. You were working towards something. Yeah. Right. But to have that understanding of even the conversations of, hey, babe. Where do you see yourself in the next five years? Yeah. What's your goal? What
is it that you desire right now? Not like you have to have your whole life planned out, but what is it ultimately? What direction do you want to go in? Yeah. Where are you trying to go eventually? Or where would you like to land? And I think when you have character and you walk in integrity and you're consistent. Yeah. in certain spaces, potentially in, in like the, the spaces that really matter. Like, you know, you are somebody that you're, you're a person
of your word. What you say, you do, you do, you say, okay. Um, you, you did not have a job, but you came and you worked with me and we, we got things taken care of and we built a business. You helped build that business with me too. Right. And do the things. And it's like to see the potential.
I know that we've said don't marry the potential of the person, but when you see what this person is capable, there we go, what they're capable of doing based off of what they've already done, not what you think that they're capable, what their potential is to do. I think maybe there's a difference there. Well, I think also it's, in my mind, what it sounds like you're trying to say is it's almost like you recognize the
character. Yeah. And it wasn't the potential of, oh my gosh, if I marry him, one day he'll make six figures or one day he'll have this kind of job or we'll have this kind of house. But it was, you saw the character, you saw the work ethic, you saw the willingness to get dirty and do the work. So it's like, okay, if he does this now, when we're not pulling in a whole ton of money, this is the kind of character. That's going to get us through those lean times. The
hard times. The hard times. Yeah. For sicker, for poorer. Yep. The cold nights. We've been through all of them. All of them. You know. Yeah. So I think that's kind of what you were getting at. Yeah. Like I said, that's what I heard. Yeah. Because if you're somebody that feels like you have to harp on this person in order to get things done. Yes. Um, and in it, there's a difference between a babe. Would you mind helping me around the house a little bit? Yeah, sure. Or they see
that I'm my favorite scenario, right? At the very beginning, like I'm vacuuming around you, I'm cleaning around you and you're just, you're sitting, you're, I think you were watching TV or playing a game or something and you're just, you weren't doing anything. You're just, you weren't doing anything. And I was like, just. increasingly getting more and more angry as opposed to just, could you help me? Would you, would you mind helping me? Yeah. What would you, what
do you need? Not realizing, you know, like there's a difference between realizing and understanding because it's like, I feel like I'm throwing you under the bus. That's fine. That's fine. No, no, no. But it's just a good, it's a good example because it's like, I had a cleaning business. You did not come from a family that, that. That wasn't a high priority. That is not a high. I think that's a good way of saying that. Yeah. Because they're not filthy. No. Like nobody in
your house is filthy. Yeah. It's just, it's, oh, okay. Like. And, and I'll, I'll say I grew up on the weekends, like one day of the weekend. That's when my mom would clean the house. Yeah. It was just my mom. So it wasn't taught. Right. Yes, my sister and I were told to make sure our rooms were picked up so they weren't a total pigsty. Hey, at least make sure I have a path from the door to your bed. Okay, cool. There will be a path. I was the same kid. I get it.
But it was my mom that cleaned the house. It wasn't, hey, we're all going to get together and clean the house. My mom would put on her ABBA or her carpenter's record and she would clean the house. She would water the plants and that's what she did. That would be either Saturday afternoon or Sunday afternoon. That was it. Here I am, an adult now, and that's not where my brain goes. My brain doesn't go, oh, it's Saturday, it's time to clean the house. It was never taught.
Right. And so I think that that's the whole point, right? Like we stand back and we want to look at some of our listeners and say, find out these answers to these questions. You know, like, is this who, hey, just out of randomness, when you guys cleaned the house when you were growing up, what do you mean we? My mom is the one that did it. Right. Oh, see, that should tell you everything, right? Like those things. Our house was, I cleaned the house when I was a kid growing
up. I was the one that cleaned it, and my mom and my dad would be the ones that would be outside doing the lawn. Okay, yeah. And so it's like after I finally got broken of having an atrocious room and everything. So funny. My room was always trashed, but the rest of the house, everything had its space and place. But it's one of those things where... have these conversations. And if that is not something that is high priority for your spouse, don't expect it to become a
high priority. If it's something that you see like, okay, you know what? This isn't your forte. This is not something that you're good at. You don't seem to have an anointing for doing this particular project. Yeah. But you know what? If, if you could just come and you could be in this space with me or if you could just help me in. Okay. So you don't want to clean the house. Could you at least put your socks in the laundry basket? Could you, could you at least do you
like to do the lawn? Sweet. Can you go do mow the lawn for me? Kind of, you know, just. And I know that we keep hitting the same things because in my mind I'm struggling to even find out what other things would be. But it is that simple. It is. And before you go too far down the train and then loops. Sorry. I think part of it, though, is, you know, again, that recognizing of, well,
that's not how I am. And so I had a conversation with a couple of people and it was the, oh, my, you know, my spouse, you know, I've tried to do the, I've asked them to do this. And it becomes the, well, I asked them, I vocally asked them. And then I, a few days later, I text them a reminder or I write them a note and then I text them a reminder. And if, you know, a week and a half, two weeks later, if it's still not done, then I just do it. And it's like, I think that needs
to be a conversation. Yes. Because something's not clicking in one or both of you. Because what was that one couple? Phenomenal. You know which ones I'm talking about. And she said, when you ask your spouse to do something, you need to follow up with, could you get this done for me within such and such amount of time? And I think also, yes, you know, not necessarily give like, you know, here's the schedule. But again, you know, hey. This is kind of pressing on my brain.
Could you? Could you get this done by the weekend because we've got something coming up? Yes. You know, hey, we're planning a 50th birthday party. Hey. Can we make sure that this gets done beforehand? Right. Sure. Let's do this. Right. But I think also because I thought of another couple that we had a conversation with. And it was the, what are you doing or what are they doing when you ask them to do something or ask them for help?
That's good. Because if you're just in the same room together and you say, hey, can you get this done for me? Right. You know, hey, babe, can you do this? Yeah. You know, if I don't, I'm notorious because I do not have the best ears. So we have had several conversations. And you have a soft -spoken wife. I have a very soft -spoken wife. I grew up in a loud household. I played a lot of loud music, and I worked around a lot of loud jets. And that's why Jesus is Lord.
That's why Jesus is Lord. Amen. Shout out from the rooftops. But there are times if you don't... Like if you don't get my attention first and like, yeah, it's like, get my face, look me in the eyes and okay, now we start the conversation. Yeah. You know, because it, how many times it's like, you know, I had a conversation with somebody and he, you know, he was like, my, my wife thinks that I'm ignoring her because I didn't listen when she said this and she said it, we were in
the same room together, but she did. She didn't say it directly to me. Right. So I didn't realize she was talking to me. And now. Because there was another person. Right. Because there was another person in the room. And so he's like, now I'm the bad guy because I apparently don't remember that she said this. Right. And it's like, yeah. I was like, unless you just have the conversation of, hey, grab my attention. Yeah. Yeah. Say my name. Say my name. Yeah. Because,
I mean, especially. I mean, I know women can do it too, but I know guys are more famous for it. Guys are really good at just zoning out. It's a gift. Yeah. I've determined that it is a gift. And I think that, whew, that's a whole other topic in itself. Just the... the differences of how we communicate, the way that we go about things, the way that we're wired even. I know that there was that one comedian, Christian comedian guy, talking about how you guys can compartmentalize
your thoughts where ours are high. Hardwired. Interconnected. And it looks like something a cat coughed up. Or like a bowl of spaghetti. Yeah. Like it's just everything is interwoven. That's why it's so easy for us to start telling you a story, but then veer off and tell you 14 other subject matters. Or you start the story
in act two. In act two. We have no intro. that's it right like you oh babe and so and this is what happened it's like whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa what happened i missed the and after that what we'll do is we'll go to the store what and and i think are there exceptions to the rules absolutely absolutely but majority rules on this one that this is how men and women think and and you've just got You just have to stop insisting that
your spouse be you. Yeah. Like, like I think that part is what I want to shout from the rooftops because it's like, I'll get nailed. I'll just,
I'll, I will. send this the sweetest post i think something just something so simplistic and i will get hammered against the wall usually by the wives because it's like oh well you know if they if if if my spouse if they're going to put in the same amount of effort then i'll do and i'm like oh honey like that's not the word of god that's not what it says because here's even you see where i have something pulled up this is what's pulling up whenever you scared
me So 1 Peter 3, and it's talking about, hold on, let's see. It's talking about husbands and wives, right? And it's like, maybe is this the right one? This may not be the right one. We need to find it later. We're going to find it later. But the scripture that I'm talking about is where it's talking about the wife. being able to win over her husband that is not a Christian, that doesn't believe in God. And the way that she does it is not harp about Jesus and not harp
about who he is. She serves him. Yeah. She lavishes her love upon him. She's a good and a faithful and amazing wife. We're not talking about like a doormat, but we're talking about somebody that just exudes and exemplifies the character of Christ. Yeah. Living out loud. She lives this out loud in front of him. And he's like, kind of like you with Tyler, right? Yeah. Next door neighbor. I don't know what it is that's so different about you, but I want whatever it is that you
have. Yeah. Like, when we live our lives in such a simplistic manner where we're serving each other, that we're not taking care of each other based off of what we can get out of the deal. We genuinely love this person enough to where, I just want to take care of you. I just want to, what's going to make you happy today? Yeah. Right? Like, what can I do to make your life
easier? And it's like. And insisting that that person thinks like you, acts like you, talks like you, responds like you, has the same mental capacity and the same thought process as you. Dear God, why did you get married? Yeah. Like, why would you do that? You're narcissistic at that point in my mind because like you might as well just have married you. You're looking for somebody that is like you. And you know why? Because that's easy. And guess what? Marriage
isn't easy. The beautiful thing about marriage is you get to go into this covenant relationship with a person that has different thought processes, that has a different, like, just way of going about life and seeing things perspective -wise. And instead of insisting that they see things from your lens, you need to, you have been gifted.
this this amazing ability to now see life through a different point of view with somebody that you know that loves you that you love there's nothing cooler yeah oh yeah there's genuinely nothing cooler and if you insist that this person comes along and does the same things and responds the same way and all of this stuff We all like the same food. We all like the same restaurants. We all like the same movies. We all like the same books. See, that sounds incredibly boring
to me. Incredibly boring to me. As much as I say that now, at the beginning where I'm going, dear God, we have nothing in common. And I was genuine about it. I don't think it was more so like, dear God, we have nothing in common. But I think it was honestly more of me standing back going, do I even have anything to bring to the table? I feel very... Out of sorts here. Babe, when you and I first got together and you're showing me how incredibly... What am I trying
to say? How I came from a world that valued book smarts. All the things. Yeah. And I'm... Why am I about to cry? I literally stood back and said, what do I have to bring to the table? Yeah. And I think that that might just, that just might've hit one of our listeners. See, because all of a sudden you go, what is it that I have to even
bring to the table? Like I inadvertently, whether you realize it or not, it's like, you're not trying to, but subconsciously somehow it's like, if I could just bring this person back down to this kind of level, then I won't feel so inferior or I won't feel so. out of place or it may, or it won't stretch me as much. Yeah. I'll stay comfortable. There it is. In where I am. Yeah. Like all of the above. Yeah. Because it wasn't so much that I wasn't wanting to grow with you.
My thing was, I genuinely didn't think that I brought something else to the table for you. Yeah. Because in my mind, you had, you were so cultured in so many different spaces and places that I'm like, I'm just a little girl from Missouri. How can I stretch him? Oh, look, look what I did. Look what God did. And I think, too, it's, you know, kind of part of that is, you know, yes, they do. They always say opposites attract
and so on and so forth. And, you know, if you're not the same person, you always have something new to discover and all that. But I think also there's that fear of what if we're two opposite? What if we really have nothing in common? Yeah. You know, and, you know, people can work it out. Absolutely. I've seen several success stories. Yeah. Of people that are complete total polar opposites. Yeah. And they have an amazingly successful
marriage. I immediately flashed to, back when I was at the news station, there were two journalists. Yeah. One was hardcore Republican. One was hardcore
Democrat. Yeah. And they were. happily married yeah and they learned how to do this they learned to put their politics aside and they're just who they were yeah but they also brought things to the table for each other and said have you considered this yeah have you considered that i think that's a big portion of it yeah is because when you and i first sat down at the table wish we had video like i really do wish we had like yeah videoed that because it was it wasn't a
When I genuinely say, because I did, what possessed you to do that? It wasn't me trying to. tear you down. It was me trying to understand what frame of mind were you in when this happened? Where were you in your walk? Not even your walk with Jesus, because you were a brand new Christian, but just your walk in life. Where were you in that space? And are you going to go back there even though you've got Jesus? That part, right? While you were making these decisions, what provoked
this? to come to the forefront, to the scene. Because it's the same with me. Like, you have never really flat out asked me. I'm the one that will come to you and go, babe, listen to the revelation of why I did some of the stupid stuff that I did. Dear God, babe, babe, ooh, babe, let me tell you why. I was such a jerk. Let me tell, you know. I've got a banner for you. Check it out. Read this banner. Look. I was this because of this, you know, but it's, it's like, I think
that that's, what's so cool. Cause you get to like, start spinning it, spinning it in a way to where it's like, when you're looking at this person, you go, I get to learn something different. Not just about you, but I get to learn something different about life. And you're a child of God. You're created in the image of God. I get to find out something different about God because you get to hold a piece of the puzzle that I
may not even have. Like, stop. stop like i understand the the birds of the feather want to flock together and i understand that sometimes it's just easier because you're like oh man we got all this history sometimes like i even heard like people say you know from this generation here and age wise and just these are your people and these are your people over here because based off the music genre and the way that you've been raised and grown up and stuff and i want to go no that's
cool yeah are you going to bridge the gap right Are you going to take the next step to bridge the great divide? And that just might happen to be your spouse. Yeah. Or if it may not be your spouse, that might happen to be your in -laws. Or even if you are the same generation. Yeah. The fact that y 'all are two different personalities. Yeah. From two different sects of the place, of the planet. I was raised over here. I was raised in Texas. Yeah. You were raised
over in Nebraska. Yes. Like, that's... As much as people go, well, it's not much different. Oh, it's a lot different. A lot different. And I'm not even a Nebraskan. You're not a Nebraskan. You're a Virginian. Yeah. But you're an Air Force kid. As a baby, baby. You're like an Air Force kid. Yeah. You're actually European. I am. You are UK all the way. I really am. And that in itself. Is a trip. It's a trip. We're not even on the same continent at that point, maybe. But
people make it work all the time. They do. They do. People make it work all the time. I want to teach this to our family, to our friends, to our children. Stop running after the things that are easy. Stop insisting that things... constantly be easy. And stop thinking that as soon as you get married all things are going to fall into place. Like that part. You get to spend the rest of your days growing and learning
this person. And whether this is a thing of you're in a marriage or in a relationship or this is your friendships. Even the people that God has placed in your life to do life with. You get to literally stand back and just go, I get to learn something different about you. I get to learn something even different about me based off of how I respond to you and how I see this. Because it's like, at my birthday, everybody was so kind and said so many beautifully amazing
things, right? And I'm standing there and I'd even said it. I was like, you guys helped make me, me. Because it's like, I think of Heather and Marsha in particular when it comes to people that I encounter and women that might be going through certain parts of their life or certain journeys that are similar to some of my best friends. And I can, because of who they are and the relationship that I have with them and the relationship that I know that God has with them,
that they are able. I'm able to look at this person that's standing in front of me and be able to, without a shadow of a doubt, say, I absolutely know what God is capable of. Yeah. Because have you met my friend? Yeah. Because it's possible, right? And it's like having a greater understanding of your spouse and looking at your spouse and saying, oh, I recognize this personality because this is my husband. Yeah.
Okay, so that means I'm going to use the tools that I know to use in how I can communicate with him in an effective, respectful manner. I can now use these tools to help hopefully, respectfully, and effectively communicate with this person. Because you have told me you have people at your work that you go, yeah, it's just like you, babe. Yeah. This person is you. Yeah. And now you know how to communicate. Yeah. As opposed to, why
are you an idiot? Yeah. Or, hey, there's this person at work that reminds me a whole lot of this person that we know at church. That's it. That can rub people the wrong way. Come on. If X, Y, and Z happen. Yeah. Yeah. And it's like, okay. Well, once you learn to talk that language and you know, okay. oh, he's not really a jerk. He's just a jerk to people that are pretentious and conceited and think they know everything
even though they don't. Oh, okay. If you actually go up to him and say, hey, I want to learn and I genuinely want to learn, I want to know. Oh, they're the kindest person in the world. Oh, sweet. Cool. Yep. Yep. Shout out. Yep. That's it. But that's it. It is. It's that space. And so it's no changing. Yeah. No changing. Like I like that. Yeah. It is. It's a no changing.
It's stepping into the arena with this person and saying, if there is something that needs to be taken care of and there needs to be something that needs to be addressed, we understand those kind of things. Yeah. Right? But do it out of a spirit of humility, out of a heart of love, and out of... An attitude of, hey, we are going to make it to the other side. Yeah. It just may not look the way that I think it is. So what way can I help better serve you to make this
better? Yeah. That's what it is. That's what it's about. Yep. I love that. That's good. Is that good? Yeah, I think so. I love that. You keep yawning. I'll just call it out. You keep yawning. Yeah, I do. I do keep yawning. I do. It's been a big day. It has been a big day. It's been a big week. It's been a big month. I know. We're still starting off of May. Yeah. Because it did. It started at the beginning of May. Yeah. End of April. The very end of April. Dang. Yeah.
We've just been running. It feels like we've just been running so hard for the past like 45 days. Yeah. I mean, some of it's been good. I mean, yes, we went to a funeral. That was not good. We went to a funeral. We went to a wedding. Yeah. The wedding was good. Wedding was good. We had a birthday. Yeah. Celebrated Mother's Day. Two birthdays. Two birthdays we did. Yeah. Celebrated our anniversary. Celebrated our anniversary. I was like, there's one more thing. Quiet celebration.
Yep. it was a quiet it was the end of school you subbed for almost two weeks straight yeah changing job positions yeah or job duties yeah yeah it's I'm telling you the past 45 days got a new car I mean this is and it is it's like you're like okay our friends are like you know waiting for the the gun to go off and I'm thinking listen guys it went off 90 days ago, like we've been nonstop and it doesn't seem to be letting up anytime soon. And that's okay. It is okay.
I think, I think what's happening at this point, and it was really sweet because today you and I, when we went to the grocery store and literally we're doing this, the paired app and answering the same questions. basically the same way with the same answers and just turning and looking at each other and going, the fact that we recognize it is, is massive. Now it's time to put ourselves on a schedule, actually write these things down,
get it out on paper. And then I think once it gets out of our heads and actually out onto whatever, I think things will, Become a little less noisy. What hit me. Yeah. Was we're learning a new stride. We're learning a new pace. I like that. Yeah. The stamina. Yeah. Yeah. Growing our stamina. Yeah. It's like, okay, this was your stride. This was your pace. Okay. It's time to, it's time to change things up and increase it. Yeah. So. We should go take a nap first before we do
that, though. Yeah. I would appreciate that. Okay. All right, guys. Have the best week. Enjoy the journey.