88: The Letter His Dad Never Got to Give Him

Most people don't get a letter like this from their dad. For the last 22 years, that that letter and his words and his voice uh have continued to guide me. Welcome to the Up Your Average podcast, where Keith and Doug give no nonsense advice to level up your life. So buckle up and listen closely to Up Your Average. Welcome. I am glad you all made it to our legacy letter opportunity today.

And we're gonna record this so that our friends that aren't able to make it during the working day will be able to join this via the recording. And I'm excited about this because over the years trying to communicate my love to my family has happened via a um kind of a big thick uh Journal that I've written a lot of love notes to my kids, and and that's a lot. Most people don't have the tenacity to do that. But Blake Brewer is a great man.

He has worked with thousands of families helping them put together this just invaluable gift called the Legacy Letter. And we're just thrilled to offer this opportunity to y'all today. So please join us in welcoming Blake. to the platform and and I'm gonna step back and go anonymous uh while he presents the opportunity. Thank you. Well Keith, Doug, Gimbal, man, I'm I'm really excited to be here. And you know, I've known you guys for a couple of years. I've known Doug even longer.

And uh man, I I love what y'all are about and man, just everything how you guys think is how I think. And so it really is a privilege and an honor um to be here. Uh and so yeah, I'm Blake Brewer. I'm the founder of Legacy Letter. We are on a mission to help a million people write at least one well-written, meaningful lasting legacy letter.

And so those of you that are on the call today, uh, those of you that are watching this recording, man, you know, if we had the the opportunity or the time, we could go around the horn and everybody could share about their family situation and what stage you're in, and all of our families would look different. Um, but there is one thing that we all have in common. And that is that we love our families. And so that's what today is about.

today we're gonna do something really beautiful, really meaningful, um, that is really gonna um outlive you. Um, and this will be one of the most um important and and even cherished things that you do for your family. Uh and so to to kick us off, I do have a Short little video for us. and so let me share that and then um we will get going here. Blake took something terrible. Terrible. And now he has used that to help so far tens of thousands of dads.

I think he's just getting started because I'm gonna tell. letter is that voice whether you can hear it or you can read it and that so that is a gift. Okay, so I was 19 years old and I got a call from my mom. I was at the University of Arkansas, uh, Go Hogs, Doug. And uh, and my mom said, Blake, we're gonna take a family vacation to Hawaii. And I said, Heck yeah, let's go. Uh, been down to Destin Ford a few times, but never been to Hawaii. Uh, and so a few months later we boarded the plane.

Little did I know that my dad had been working on something. Um, something that for my sister, my brother, um, that would as he was trying to think about his legacy and something that w was gonna absolutely change my life. And I had no idea what was coming. And so first day there, we decided to go snorkeling uh at a place called Hanama Bay. And so it was uh my mom, my sister, my brother, my grandmother. They were all on the beach. Um, but then out in the water. It was just me and my dad.

And I have to share with you all that there is nowhere else in the world that I wanted to be than right there with my dad. And so I was really fortunate. Um, I had a really good dad. Uh, he was not perfect by any stretch of the imagination. And there were moments growing up where I was like, yeah, that's my dad. And then there were other moments where I was like, Oh, shoot, that's my dad. Maybe you can relate. Um, but overall, my dad was my hero.

Uh long before I was, well, at this time in my life, he was a hospital CEO. But long before I was born, he was known as a football player. So he was drafted by the Atlanta Falcons to play tight end. but his main claim to fame is that he was Terry Bradshaw's tight end of Louisiana Tech. Um and so they were best friends and um roommates. My dad caught Bradshaw's first ever Collegiate touchdown pass. Um, and then I've got this really cool picture. So also Phil Robertson was my dad's quarterback.

but right before the 1970 draft, which probably none of you guys know anything about. um, but Terry Bradshaw went number one to the Pittsburgh Steelers, which was a huge deal for North Louisiana and for Louisiana Tech. but they got to go hang out with President Nixon. so my dad was a very um humble guy. So he hardly Ever told anyone that he was Terry Bradshaw's tight end? I told everybody. It was my claim to fame. and so there we were uh out there in the water.

And you know, at first we're just over this this coral reef, it's like five feet deep, but then we just kept going further and further out. And we ended up off this point over here, and now it's about 50 feet deep. This area I now know is called Witches Brew. It's known for its treacherous waters. And it was that day. and there was this moment where I realized, man, I don't know where my dad is anymore. And so I'm scanning the water, looking for him, where'd he go? Where'd he go?

And then I see him. And I remember thinking, Okay, good. There's my dad. Except not good, because my dad was struggling. One reason I knew he was struggling is because. because he was trying to get out of the water and there was no good place to get out of the water. the only place was these rocks, and the waves are just crashing against it. And uh sure enough, about halfway up, my wave hits my dad, knocks him back down in the water. I swim over there. I'm I'm looking for him.

I can't find him anywhere. Um, now I'm exhausted. I've got to get out of the water. And so the only place is the same place my dad tried. Um, but by the grace of God, I'm able to climb up on top of these rocks. And I'm scanning the water looking for him. Uh, and there he is. and he's still treading water, and he looks up at me, and uh he says, I need help. I need help. And my dad had this really big, deep, booming voice, but this cry for help was more like a soft whimper.

And so I turned around, I faced the beach, and I'm beginning to just wave my arms. I'm yelling as loudly as I can, hoping that somebody might see me. You know, they look like tiny ants. That's how far away they are. And so I turned back around towards my dad and I had a decision to make. Am I gonna just stand here or am I gonna jump in after him? And I knew I couldn't just stand there. And so I jumped in, I swam about ten yards to where he was. but now he's underneath the water.

And he's just kind of floating there, unconscious. And so I dive down, I wrap my arms around my dad, I bring him back up to the surface and I began to swim with him to the shore. I had to go around this point. Uh, and it was about then that I realized, man, there's there's no way I'm gonna make it. Like I am I'm absolutely exhausted. Uh and in that moment a nearby snorkeler showed up and he began to help me get my dad to the shore.

And then the lifeguard showed up and they put him on a surfboard and they brought him the rest of the way in and they started doing C PR. And I stood there next to them. Feeling in incredibly helpless. And I did the only thing I knew to do. А just begin to cry out to God. Гад, водю сave's life. And I really thought that at any moment that my dad was about to come too. That his eyes are gonna kinda flicker open, the water's gonna spew out of his mouth like you see in the movies.

And it never happened. And so my dad drowned that day. And it went from one of the best days of my life to the worst. Just like that. And I'm like, what just happened? We were just in the water a few minutes ago having the time of our life and now my dad is gone forever. So a few hours later, we're back in the in the condo, and I had just called my dad's parents. My mom was in no condition to do it. So it was on me, the oldest son. Uh my dad's parents were devastated.

That was a hard phone call to make. Called some other family members, some family friends, um, our church, my dad's work, all phone calls I never thought I'd be making in a million years. And then I go to the back bedroom and I'm sitting there on the edge of the bed and it was as if the world just kind of stood still in this moment. And I was I began to really grasp the situation. And I just ask God, What happened? And where were you? And how are we gonna make it without my dad?

How am I gonna make it without him? And it was in that moment my mom appeared in the doorway and she said, Blake, I found something in your dad's briefcase, something that I know he was gonna give you on this trip. And she walked across the room and she handed me a letter. A letter from my dad. And I began to read that letter, and it was everything that I needed in that moment. And I've never heard my dad's voice more clearly than when I read that letter for the first time.

And his voice comforted me. I felt a sense of peace. I felt hope. Hope that everything was going to be okay. And then I just I felt incredibly loved. Like, do not tell me that my dad did not love me. He took the time in the midst of his busy schedule. With everything going on to put it down on paper. And I get to the last line of this letter. And my dad was a man of faith, so I wasn't surprised that he wrote this. Um, but I do believe God allowed him to write it.

He wrote, As you're being faithful to God and to the Bible, you're often going to find yourself in the minority here on earth. But I can assure you that in heaven, you'll be in the majority. Love your dear old dad. And I remember reading that and just thinking, Man, I'm gonna see my dad again. I can't imagine my life without this letter in the coming days and weeks and months. I experienced more pain than I ever felt in my life.

And really, and I understand this now more than I even than I did then, but my life was really at a crossroads. Like I I could have left the situation, um, angry, depressed, a victim, bitter, uh bitter at the world, bitter at God. I could have tried to do s some some harmful things to try to escape the pain. that I was feeling. Um, and I didn't do any of those things. It was like the the exact opposite.

Over the next 12 months, I grew more as a person, grew more as a leader, grew more in my faith, closer to my family. more than any other twelve month stretch in my life, discovered my life purpose. And I had some professional counselors tell me, Blake, you have grieved this in a very healthy way compared to most people. And I said, Yeah, most people don't get a letter like this from their dad.

And so for the last twenty-two years, that that letter and his words and his voice uh have continued to guide me. and so then it was a few years ago um when I became a a dad. And I'm sitting there looking at at my my children. There they are right right here. Uh, and so we've got Gracie Kate. She's in uh fourth grade. Gracie Kate's kind of a mouthful. So we named my son Bo.

And Bo, a couple years ago, we're at the minor league baseball game here in Tulsa and he there's this playground out past center field and he goes, Hey, can I go play on that playground? I said, Yeah, you can go. And he goes, but I'm not gonna tell him my name. I said, Bo, what do you mean? You're not gonna tell him your name. He goes, I don't want him to know. You know, it's like a bow that you put in a girl's hair. And I said, Bo, that's that's not your name, man. Nobody's thinking that.

I was like, You got a strong name. So think Bo Jackson. So we started watching Bo Jackson videos and football and baseball. And then we got Brooks, who's five, and then we got baby Baylor, who's a little over a year old. And I was a little. Not sure about the name Baylor, but my wife really wanted it. You know, we have no connection to that school. And then I caught her a couple months ago. You know, like with all of our son, maybe you some of y'all do this.

We we s put the name Bear at the end of it. So Bo Bear, hey Bo Bear, and then Burks Berks comes along, hey Brooksy Bear. And then I heard her saying, Hey Baylor Bear. And I said, No. We're not calling him Baylor Bear. Um But just like anybody on this call that's a parent, like, man, okay, I want to be a good dad here. I want to help them be successful, confident. I wanna pass down, you know, our family values.

and I see what's going on in the world and some of the noise that's out there, like I know they need to hear my voice. How do I make sure they hear my voice? Oh man, I gotta write them a letter. If anyone knows if I have a letter from their dad, it's me. And so pulled out a blank sheet of paper. And I gotta say, it was so overwhelming looking at that blank sheet of paper, like, what the heck am I gonna write?

Um, ended up doing a lot of research over the next couple of months 'cause I knew I had I knew I had to finish this letter and I knew I wanna do it right. Like if we're gonna take time to write the letter, let's do it right. Like, what are the words that my children really need to hear from me? And through this research, man, my conviction grew even more for my role in their life, my words and writing this letter.

And uh finish it and I mean, one of the hardest things I've ever done, but Man, it felt good to have this letter. I was and um one of the best things I've ever done. Cause I was doing it for my kids, but I realized in writing this letter, man, something happened to me. Like I became a better man, a better dad. Is it as this letter force me to think about, man, what do I want to be true of my family? And I had to I end up understanding and knowing my children on a deeper level.

Um And then it was um around that time a couple I met a couple of different guys and actually Doug and I were at a conference in Nashville and I'm listening to this guy talk about how he had gotten a life changing letter um from his dad and I'm listening to his story and I just heard someone else's story. I'm thinking about the letter I wrote, my kids, I'm like, Man, okay, you guys got a letter, I got a letter, man. We gotta help more people get this letter. and and we can change the world.

Through legacy letters, we can change families, we can change communities. And so that's where our mission started to help one million people write at least one well written, meaningful, lasting legacy letter. And so we put together uh an outline for people to write, um, not just any letter, um, but a legacy letter with all the things that are in your heart that you want to share. Um, but also um, these we, you know, we want to, there's some things I need to hear. And we want to make sure that.

All of those words are in that letter and it can be written in a way that's received. Um, and so for the last five years, we've been uh we've helped about 20,000 people go through this. And had no idea how it was gonna go and how we were gonna grow it, but there's um been just some incredible people, um, like Keith and Doug, who've come alongside us and say, Hey, we got some people that we care about.

And so we've been um speaking around uh the country to different with different groups and businesses to their employees and their clients and helping them write this letter. Um and this is what we're going to do today. I'm going to guide you through section by section uh of this letter. And and as I'm writing, you're going to be taking notes. Um the goal today is for you to leave equipped and to be well on your way to a finished letter. Um and I tell people, hey, you you You may not finish it.

And that's not necessarily the goal today, because you got to go maybe wrestle through some things. That being said, usually at the end of every workshop, someone says, Hey, you told me I probably wouldn't get finish, but I finished. And they were really able to focus in and get it done. so it is possible. Uh I'll tell you about uh this one guy, and maybe you're thinking the same thing. It's like, okay, do I really need some help writing this letter?

Like, like, like, like, why do I um need this? And that's kind of how this one guy was. It was a it was a team at a Walmart. I was going to Walmart headquarters and and and Kent's like, Man, I'm a really good dad here. Like, I've got adult children, they're doing great. And we say I love you a lot in my family. Um and so I don't I I don't know if I really need to. But then he started going through the workshop and he got it. He's like, Oh, I get the legacy letter now.

And he could not wait to give it to his uh children. He decided to do it on Christmas. And uh, so he gave it to his three adult sons. Christmas morning, they open it up. Of course, they love to read from their dad how much he loves them and how proud he is of them. But then it was his daughter, 31 years old, young mom. She goes home that night and uh and she calls back. Dad had gone to bed, so she gets mom on the phone and she says, Mom, this is the best Christmas that I've ever had in my life.

And mom goes, Well, you know, we love hosting you guys. We love having everybody. And she goes, No, mom. It was dad's letter. I did not know how much dad loved me. I assumed that he loved my brothers more than me, 'cause he's always hunting with them and fishing with them and uh doing sports and uh I just assumed he loved them more than me. But now I see how much he really loves me and this letter has brought closure into my life.

And I asked, I asked Kent, I said, Kent, man, did you have any idea that your daughter was having those thoughts? and he was heartbroken, to be honest. And he said, Blake, I had no idea. He told me, he said, Blake, the truth is we spent twice as much money on her as we did the boys. But here's here's what's true. Uh, we're telling ourselves a story about how much we love them and love our family and love our children. And they're also telling themselves a story about how much you love them.

And there's no way this story is matching up perfectly. And so this letter is about getting that story right, leaving nothing to doubt. No, this is how I feel about you. And then we're gonna go win their hearts. And that's what all of our children are begging us to do. Dad, mom, come win my heart. And we gotta do some intentional stuff, some things like this to win their heart. And when we win their heart, they're better off for it. Okay. So today we're go through this workshop.

And then um at the end, if there's anyone who has any um QA, um we will answer that. one question I have for you is what is your motivation to write your legacy letter? there's so many great motivations. we say any stage, uh any age, any situation. And so we've helped people write to their newborns, to um we've helped um nine year old ladies write to their children and everywhere in between. Sometimes people have hey, the relationship is great.

Sometimes man, I'm not as close to them as I once was. And there's some tension there, like maybe something has happened. Or maybe um you're currently not on speaking terms, or you're currently estranged, um, or you're experiencing parental alienation. And if that's you, um, I just want you to know man, my heart goes out to you. and I'm glad that you're here today. I'm glad that you're watching. Um, and I just want you to know you're not alone.

Like this is happening at record numbers across the country. there was a dad recently in Tulsa writing this letter to his daughter that he hadn't seen in four years. And this letter gives him hope, he told me. Gives me hope that my daughter's gonna come home. Okay, let's get started on writing our letter. So again, you guys are all taking notes. Let me give you some quick tips on how to write a good letter. Number one, you want to speak from the heart. You want to be authentic.

the more that you're speaking from the heart, the better the letter will be. You're not trying to write a letter to all the kids of the world. You're not trying to write a New York Times bestseller. You're they your kids just want to hear your heart. there was a dad recently in St. Louis. He said, Blake, I'm kind of a jokester. Like, am I allowed to joke in this letter? And I told him, I said, Man, you better joke in this letter.

Uh I said, if you don't, they're gonna think somebody else wrote it. Uh so be just be yourself. number two, write the way you talk. Don't overthink the words. Don't you have to use big followery words. However, you talk, that's how you write. Number three, longer is not necessarily better. Um, and I think Mark Twain said in a letter, said, I'm sorry I didn't have enough time to make this letter more. concise. And so we're we're not some of you could probably write a novel.

We're not trying to write a novel. We're trying to write something they can read in one sitting. Um and if you let me say this if 'cause I want to really take the pressure off. If you come up with one sentence for every section of this letter, you're gonna have a powerful letter. You're gonna have more than what most people are getting. And I'm sure there's some of you on this call right now who would love to get a letter like this, even if it was one sentence for every section.

And and for some of you, it's it's too late. You're not gonna get it. Um, so it doesn't have to be a long letter for it to be really powerful. Uh number four, forget perfection. Focus on completion. I don't know. How many perfectionists we have today, but man, forget trying to make this thing perfect. you're not gonna make it perfect. and as long as you're trying to make it perfect, it's not, it's not in their life. It's not working.

These words are not working in their life, influencing them, building them up. Um, and so we want to get this into their hands as as soon as possible. And then number five, set a completion date and then commit. And so I've noticed that people who set that date and maybe they told somebody, had some accountability. you know, maybe you're gonna say in the next seven days, while this thing is fresh, man, I'm just gonna grind it out. I'm gonna get this thing finished.

Um, or maybe it's by Christmas. There's a lot of people working on this letter for Christmas right now. And when are all of those people gonna be finishing up this letter on Christmas Eve? They're gonna be typing this thing up or finishing it out, writing it. and I'll say this you're not gonna feel good. Until you get this letter done. Like there's gonna be this kind of monkey on your back. And don't be mad at me. Be mad at Keith and Doug. There you go.

Okay, let's get started on this intro section of the letter. So again, you're trying to write and take as many notes as possible. the intro section, you're going back to this question. Why are you writing this letter? Um, you're setting the stage for what's about to come. They have no idea. They're about to read this letter. Like, what is this? And so you simply just want to tell them like, why are you writing this letter? Um, you're you're not trying to make them read between the lines.

I have a father-in-law who's a great father-in-law. And you know what? He is really good at making us read between the lines. Like I never know what that man is thinking. That's not this letter. We're trying to do our best to let him know what we're thinking. One parent said it like this: I've never been shy of saying how much I love you. I hope those words always mean something to you. This letter is my way of expressing the depth and meaning of my love for you.

One thing I've always believed is that there are no accidents in life. Recently, Jeff, my friend and financial advisor, introduced me to a program called the Legacy Letter Challenge. I had been searching for a way to express many thoughts and feelings to you, but I was struggling to find the right approach. This seems like a great start. I intentionally picked this because people ask me all the time, like, how did your dad at 19 years old all of a sudden write this letter to you?

And the answer is, I don't know. I don't know. And if there was someone who encouraged him to do this, I would love to go. Um, thank that person. It's up to you whether you want to mention that you went through a workshop or went, you know, went to the legacy letter challenge. You don't have to. Um, but here's my thought. There's no shame in saying that you got some help. Like it's the exact opposite. The things that really matter to you in life, man, you get some help on.

And so what are you really communicating? You're communicating, hey, you really matter to me. And this letter really mattered to me. And I wanted to make sure that I got it right. Um And if somehow I found out that my dad went to a workshop to write me this letter, I'd be like, he did. My dad did that for me. And if it was in the middle of the workday. And so I say that to say, like, what you're doing today is is really special. Um, like you should be really proud.

Like, do you know how many people out there do not have somebody in their life like you? uh in the middle of the work day to c to attend a workshop to write a legacy letter. and they would love, they would give anything to have somebody like you in their life. so what you're doing today is really special. Uh and I love this thought.

What if everybody in Indianapolis or in Indiana or in the whole country was somehow on the call with us today and writing this letter and everybody was about to receive the letter like what you're about to write? Like this world would be a different place. Uh, I truly believe that. Like I'm giving my life to it. Okay. So this is the introduction. Uh, now we're gonna move on to the apology section uh of the letter. Now the apology uh section exists for a couple of different reasons.

I'll go and put it out there. This is one of my favorite sections of the letter. Not because it's easy, it's one of the hardest, but because of how powerful it is. And so what can happen between, you know, us, our loved ones and our children, there kind of could be this invisible wall that uh exists between us and them. because of things that have been said, things that have been done. Um, again, your words are so powerful in their life, like the most powerful.

And so there's things that you've said you didn't mean to hurt them, but because your words are so powerful, like it did. Um, and so we do not want there to be anything blocking what you're about to write, because you're about to write some incredible stuff. And so one of the best ways to kind of bring this wall down. Is to apologize. It also sets an incredible tone to the letter, a tone of humility. We're not trying to control them in any way with this letter. That's not the tone.

It's a tone of humility. And so you could simply write something like this kind of a general apology. Hey, before I share with you a few important things, I just want you to know that I've made mistakes as your dad, as your mom. I recognize that. And for those times that I've come up short, I'm sorry. And those couple sentences right there are so powerful for them to read from you.

Um, most people are not getting uh this from their dad or their mom or their spouse or who and so um when they read this, you just um you set the tone for the letter and you you prepared their heart in a way to to read um the rest of the things that you're gonna write. you could write it like this, hey, I know I've come up short as your um father or mother at times. At the time I thought I was doing good, but looking back I realized I could have done better. I'm sorry.

And so some people come into this and they say, Blake, um, I got some specific things I need to apologize for. Like that's the reason I'm writing this letter. Uh, and if that is you today, I I want to help you do this well. There's some things you can do to mess this up. Uh, my buddy got a letter a few years ago from his dad. Um, and overall, it was a pretty good letter. I didn't help him write it. This is before I was doing legacy letter. And his dad tried to apologize.

Um, and he said, You know, I'm really sorry that you and your brother had to experience your mom and I's divorce when you were in high school. And if you had stopped right there, that probably would have been good. Because his next sentence, he said, You know, your mom is a really good mom, but she's a horrible wife. And my friend is reading that, like, what? Like, dad, like you can't say that. you know, first of all, it's just it's not even true.

you know, I lived with you guys, like like you were equally as responsible. You know, I'm kind of laughing about it, but it wasn't funny. Like it was actually really hurtful. Like my friend and his brother, they couldn't even read the rest of the letter. And it and the letter backfired of what the dad was trying to accomplish. Because they they didn't even want to talk to their dad afterwards. Why? Because he didn't take responsibility. He didn't own it.

Um, and so if you're gonna apologize and if you wanted to do it well and if you want this letter to have the impact that you really want to have, you gotta take responsibility. You gotta own it. we all are where we are in life because of the choices we've made. Things have absolutely happened to us. We got to choose how to respond to those. And maybe there's a situation where you're trying to give some context.

Like maybe you realize um there were some times where you were maybe absent and maybe you were kind of going through some personal things. Like a mom told me uh a couple months ago. She's like, Man, yeah, when my kids were younger, I was just there was some stuff going on and I just could not be there like I needed them to be emotionally. Or maybe uh like one dad said, Man, I realize I've got some I've had some anger. Issues and I took it out on my kids. and they got the brunt of it.

But my dad was like that. And so I was really just living out how my dad was. Um, but I might I'm I'm changing. I have changed. You know, it's okay to give some context like that, but in no way do you want to come across as the victim. Um, you can do that with somebody else, with a with a friend or, you know, a counselor in this letter. You gotta own it. Own your own your actions. Um Number two, you want to express regret.

you know, for you to say I'm sorry is powerful, but to take it a step further, not only am I sorry, I regret it. If I could go back, I wouldn't have said that, I wouldn't have done that. Number three, be sincere by expressing that you understand. Uh, and so here's the thing: everybody wants to be understood. And the more that you're able to uh help them see that you understand and show some empathy, um, that easier it is to be for for them to receive your apology.

I had a friend a few years ago, she confronted her mentor and um and said, Hey, you really hurt me. And uh the mentor had no idea and was like, man, like, you know, I didn't mean to. I'm, you know, I'm really sorry. And my friend was like, you know, they said I'm sorry, but it's um it doesn't I don't really think they end understand how they really hurt me. It's like they were saying I'm sorry because they're supposed to say I'm sorry. Um, so it's hard for me to receive the apology.

Well, to this person's credit, they ended up going to some counseling and a a mediator. And after several months, the mentor got it. And she was like, my gosh, I did not mean to hurt you, but I totally see how I hurt you now. And um I'm I'm so sorry. I mean, if I could go back, I wouldn't have acted in that way. I wouldn't have said those things. um And it was in that moment that my friend was able to fully receive that apology. He's like, okay, they get it.

And this can be really hard for some people because you're tempted to look at your kids who are maybe complaining about some stuff or, you know, have some issues. And you just want to be like, what's your problem? Like you have had it so much easier than what I had it growing up. Um, but the truth is I don't care if you came from the best family in America or the wealthiest family. you have your own set of issues and you have your hardest day.

And maybe it's different from yours, but th there's still some hard things. Everyone has hard things. Or maybe you have a multiple kids and a a couple of them are doing just fine and a third one has issues and you and you're you're tempted to say, like, what is the deal here? Like everybody else is doing just fine. Like get up, get with the program. But the truth is is that everybody experiences you differently.

and because of your personality, their personality, like like if you have siblings, you have a different relationship with your parents than what your siblings do. Um, this could be the because of the birth order. Um, the financial situation could change from the last child to the first child. Like there's so many um variables. Uh and so you want to be as uh understanding as possible. Put yourself in their shoes um to try try to understand.

I'm not saying it's hard or it's easy, like this could this can be really hard. number four. You want to own up to your you wanna excuse me. You want to own up to your part, not theirs. So usually when you're apologizing, uh, the other person has something to apologize for too. And I can assume on this call today there's some people that your children have absolutely done some things they need to apologize for. They've said some hurtful things.

and if If you bring up the thing that they need to apologize for, um, you'll mess the whole thing up. And so my heart goes out to you if that's in your if your situation. Um, but you don't want to bring up what they need to apologize for. And then number five, you want to let go of the results because you cannot control their response. So this is true with the apology.

I mean, I have definitely been guilty of when I've had to go apologize to my wife, and I've had to a lot of knowing how she should respond to my apology. And it never went the way I thought it should. And there's been moments where I'm sitting there like, okay, when is she gonna say something? Like, I said what I needed to say, and then I would end up getting mad. And and I'd end up saying some more things that I then needed to go back and apologize for those things.

So you gotta let go of the results with the apology, but also with the whole letter. Um I mean, uh, some of you are gonna give the letter and you'll get this great response. You're gonna be nervous when you finish the letter. You're gonna be nervous, you're gonna be excited, you're gonna be maybe a little fearful. You've written some things, you don't know how they're gonna receive it.

Um One dad I'm thinking of, uh, he he not everyone does it on Christmas morning, but he gave his letters to his son on Christmas morning. This guy was in Delta Force and said he'd been deployed a lot. He's writing this letter to try to um connect with his jokes his sons on a deeper level. And they opened it up Christmas morning and he was all excited to see how they were gonna respond and they just kind of looked at it like, uh, you got me a letter, huh?

It's like that's not the normal thing for Christmas. And he said, Hey, it's fine. Go home and you know, you can read on your own time. Well, they they read it and they came back the next day and he was ready for a you know a big response. And he said, All they did was come up to me and said, gave him a little bro hug and hey dad, thanks for the letter.

And he told me, he's like, Blake, I was thinking, I poured my heart and soul into that thing, and all they're gonna say is, Hey, dad, thanks for the letter. But he said, I I I didn't say anything. Well, several months go by, still nothing else. And then six months go by. And he gets a call from his buddy. And his buddy says, hey Jeff, I was just hanging out with with your son and he told me that you wrote him a letter for Christmas.

Your son told me that it's his most treasured possession, that he reads it every single week, sometimes multiple times a week. Jeff had no idea. I called his son, I you know, Jeff gave me his number and he's he said, Man, the first time I read that letter was the closest that I ever felt to my dad in my life. And that's the power of this legacy letter. But the people that who do the best, it's those who are willing to let go of the results.

Say, hey, I'm gonna do what I'm I knew I needed to write this letter, so I'm gonna write it. And we'll we'll let it we'll let it play out. And just because they don't give you a great response does not mean that the words are not working in their life, influencing them, building their confidence. Okay. Couple other thoughts on this apology and we're gonna move on.

some people will write at the end of it and say, hey, I know there's some things I've said or done um that um maybe I don't even know about. And maybe is there some stuff you want to come talk to me? Just know that I've got an open door. Like you can come talk to me. If you write this though, you gotta be really careful because they might actually come talk to you. And if they come talk to you, And your response is, what? That's not what I meant when I said that. That's not how you should feel.

Man, you just shut them down. And it was probably just dip of the iceberg of what they really wanted to share with you. So you got to be ready. You got to prepare your heart right now. Saying, my gosh. I I had no idea that you felt this way. Um, that when I said that, then I hurt you in a way. I don't even know if I completely understand. like, please tell me more. And you'll let share more.

And this might be one of the hardest things you've ever done in your life to just swallow your pride in this moment and just let talk. And it'll be maybe one of the best things you've ever done for him. And last thought, um, there was a guy writing this letter last year, and he was writing to his son that him and his wife had um adopted when he was six years old. They went and rescued him out of an orphanage. Like amazing story. And I love adoption stories.

And he simply wrote to his son and said, Hey, I'm really sorry. I'm really sorry that I wasn't able to come get you sooner. And so maybe there's something like that that's happened in their life that was that's completely out of your control, like not your fault at all. but you're just able to communicate, I'm sorry that that happened to you. Okay. All right, you're tearing down those walls so that they can receive these next three sections.

And these next three sections are arguably the most important because the we're gonna answer some questions that they're all asking. The first question is. Dad, mom, how do you really feel about me? And this is where we're gonna let them know that we love them and that we unconditionally love them. And so the more that they can understand this, the more confident, the more successful they'll be. I love the story that Kobe Bryant shared a year before he died in a helicopter crash.

Kobe said that when he was 12 years old, he was playing basketball up in New Jersey in a summer league. He gets to the end of the summer and he had not scored a single point the entire summer. And he's so frustrated and he's so mad. But then he said his dad walked up to him, put his arm around him, and said, Kobe, I don't care if you score zero points or 60 points. I'm gonna love you no matter what. And Kobe said that was the best thing his dad could have ever told him.

Because it was in that moment he was freed up to just fully go for it, like he could not fail. And so you know that thought was running through his mind the rest of his NBA career. he was telling a story after he's retired that he knew that no matter what happened when his head came off that pillow in the morning, whatever happened that day, and his head went back on that pillow, his dad was gonna love him. And that's what you want your children knowing.

When they know this, when they know that they're unconditionally loved, it provides this sense of security, like this safety net uh in their life. And as they're going through life and they're trying to decide, man, am I really going to go for it? Like, am I going to take some risks here? and when they look down and they see this safety net called dad's unconditional love or mom's unconditional love, man, it allows them to go for it because they know hey, if I mess up, if I fail, I'm fine.

I'm good. I'm I got this safety net down here. And so the more they can understand this, the bigger that safety net gets, the more they can see So you might write something like this, no matter what happens tomorrow or the next day, I want you to know that I'm gonna love you no matter what. And so this simple sentence right here, like this is a powerful sentence uh for them to get and for them to read, to know you chose these words.

You know, this section is arguably the most important, as I've said. Um, it does not take a lot of sentences for you to come really strong. Like you can come really strong in one, two, three sentences. I love telling this story. Terry Bradshaw came to Tulsa uh last year and um he was doing a concert. I don't know if people know this, but Terry Bradshaw is a singer. So he he sang twelve songs. I don't even know if the crowd knew they were coming to a concert.

It's just like, Well, it's Terry Bradshaw. Uh and I will say he um he's not a bad singer. He's pretty good. I will also say he was never gonna make it as a professional singer. Um But when you've won four Super Bowls, do what you want. And so I got to go backstage and hang out with him. It was pretty funny. I was telling some stories about my dad. Um, but it was about uh a year before this, we did an interview uh on Zoom and and it was about his fatherhood journey.

And he was talking about his girls, but he also talked about his dad. And he said, Man, growing up, I had a you know, my dad and I were not that close. He you know it a real My dad was a really hard man and we never played catch in the front yard, nothing like that. And then when I retired from the Steelers, he said he bought a ranch. And his dad was into ranching. And he said they bonded for the first time.

And one day he looked at his dad and said, Dad, I know that you love us, but I've never heard you say it. And I want to hear you say it. This took some guts to say this to his dad. And his dad responded, Um, Well, Terry, you you know that I I love you guys. Terry's like, I know, and I want to hear you say it. And for the first time in Terry Bradshaw's life, he heard his dad say, I love you, son.

And some of you right now, if if I could talk to your children, they they would say, Hey, I know I know that, you know, I know that you love me, Dad. I know that you love me, mom, grandpa. but I want to hear you say it. I want to see it written out. And some of you might say, no, no, they for sure know. Like I say it a lot. You know what your kids are saying? They're saying, tell me again. Tell me again, and how much, like, how much do you really love me?

So that's what we're doing with this section of the letter. We're letting them know how much we're gonna come as strong as we can, knowing. But the more they understand the depth of your love for them, the better off they're going to be. Like, do you think my kids right now can can comprehend how much I love them? Do they really know the depth of my love? No, they cannot. I can go tell them right now, they still would not be able to fully understand the depth of my love for them.

And so it's my job as their dad to help them understand this every single day with my words, with my actions. And sometimes I do things. that does not make it feel like I love And so sometimes I have to apologize for those things. Um and sometimes they just uh misunderstood like when I discipline them or things like that. Uh and so uh we never know what kind of lies our children are making up. Um we wanna assume you wanna assume right now they're making up lies.

And this is just what what happens in the human mind. And so maybe there's been a divorce situation or maybe it's because you travel. Um, maybe uh like they play sports or they're they play music and or maybe you're an academic family, like these are really good things. Like I love that my my sons play sports and my daughters and dance, like these things are help building their character.

but I'm at risk, just like everybody on this call is at risk, of my sons thinking that they have to perform for my love, that they have to score another goal, that they've gotta win another game. Now, I've never said that. I've never said they have to do that, but that doesn't mean that they're not either making that lie up right now or in the future. So I gotta make it really clear. Hey, there's my love for you is not based on uh your performance uh or anything that you do.

Could be a situation where they see the world differently than you. Maybe they're especially if they've gotten older and maybe they don't have the same faith as you or maybe they're in a different political party. And for you to just make it really clear, like that doesn't change my love for you. Like we can see differently. We see that we can see the world differently. I still love you.

Maybe you get to a spot where you just have to say because you you can't even find the words to describe how much you love I don't even have the words to express how much I love you. Hmm. Okay, so that's the I love you section. You're gonna let them know how much you love them. This next session section, you're gonna answer this question. Are you proud of me? Dad, Mom, are you proud of me? They're all asking that question.

And we're really going to focus on not what they've done, um, but who they are. So last year we were over in Hot Springs Village, Arkansas, where my mom and stepdad live. There's a lot of golf in there. It's retirement community, a lot of a lot of lakes. And Bo told me that he wanted to catch a bass. And he's caught a lot of perch in his life, and he'd, you know, used a worm and corn and hot dogs, but he wanted to use artificial lures. And so we're out there fishing for bass.

We've got plastic worms on, which is a lot of fun fishing. And man, we get out there and he gets we're out there all day. We're into the middle of the afternoon and he has not caught a pass. Um I've been catching them, so I know that they're out there, but he hadn't caught one. And uh man, he but he kept going. And then all of a sudden I hear, dad, dad, dad, I got one, I got one, I got one. And the pole is like bent over sideways. I'm running over there as quickly as I can.

And I practically jumped into this lake to try to land this bass. I was not letting it get away. And pulled it in, and man, we're just going nuts. And uh pretty good sized bass. I'd take take that one any day of the week. And it was just a really exciting moment. well then that night, um, Bo comes up to me and he says, Daddy, are you so proud of me for catching that bass? Oh man, what a what a great question. Uh and I know that um he's gonna be asking that question. For the rest of his life.

He's asking as a five-year-old, but he's gonna be asking as a 10-year-old, a 15-year-old, a 20 year old, a 25, 30, 40, 50. The difference is he's gonna stop asking it out loud. But in the innocence of a six-year-old, he asked it out loud. And so what a great opportunity for me to let him know what makes me proud. I said, Bo, I'm not proud of you for catching that bass. I said, I was just, I was just really happy for you. you know.

Because I saw how bad you wanted this and I saw how happy you were and how much joy you got from it. So I got joy from seeing you get so much joy. Now, I'll tell you what made me proud. but I saw how you stayed out there the whole day. Like you had to really work to get this bass. Like you had to grind it out, you had to persevere. Man, most kids your age would have given up, but you kept going. You didn't give up. That's what I'm proud of. I'm proud of your perseverance, the effort.

That's what I'm proud of. But just for catching it, nah, I'm just happy for you. Um, and so as you think about what you're gonna affirm them for, you can think about some of their accomplishments, but really you want to focus on the character that it took to get make that accomplishment. One dad said, Man, I'm a Baseball family. My son played college baseball at the game winning home run a couple of times, like proud dad moment. He said, Am I allowed to talk about that? I said, Yeah, absolutely.

But you saw what it took to get to that spot of hitting the game winning home run, the perseverance, the hard work, the times that he failed, he could have given up, but he kept going. Because if you f only focus and say, I'm proud of you for hitting the game winning home run, he'll notice. Be like, man, that's what I have to do to make dad proud. I can't keep this up. Like, I got to hit the game winning home run.

And you'll you you um risk embittering him um and looking for affirmation for somewhere else. Um and so we do not want them to ever wonder what makes us proud. We don't wanna assume that they know. Um, we gotta let them know. Uh and we know that the things that we affirm them for, man, this is what they're gonna repeat. Like we're sending a signal that right there was good. I think about this little puppy we got uh a couple Christmases ago from Santa Claus. My wife's idea.

And I knew I was gonna be the one taking care of this thing and teaching it how to go to the bathroom outside. And it's it's not Indiana cold, it's but it's still, and Tulsa's still cold at eleven p.m. at night and six a.m. in the morning. Come on, dog, go to the bathroom. Um, but if you've ever trained a dog, you know that you don't just tell a dog to to sit and it just knows how to sit. Uh, you gotta train it and you gotta teach it. And you there's little steps along the way.

And every time it accomplishes one of those steps, you give a little treat. Hey, that right there was good. And what does the dog learn? I get a treat when I sit. Um, our kids are really similar. Even the people you work with, like if you have a new hire, like they have no idea what your culture is, what's expected of them. And so with your words, you can affirm them and say, hey, I saw how you talked to that customer today, or I saw how you did that. Like that was really good.

uh and it's the same way um with our with our kids. And so this section of the letter, we're gonna affirm them. uh we will send you this list of character traits um to help you think through uh, you know, what you wanna affirm them for. Um, and this section of the letter is so important. Um, because as our children are asking the question, like, like, who am I? Um, the world will definitely try to answer that question for them. We don't want the world to answer that question for them.

We want it to be us. And so we're talking about their identity here, like as like, who am I? This is who you are. I see the word brave on there, my daughter. Um, compared to like if we lined up all of our daughters, she's probably the least brave. but there's been these moments where, you know, she was the last one to learn how to dive into the this the swimming pool compared to her brothers and her friends, 'cause she was so nervous and scared.

But in that moment I was so proud of her because it was really hard for her, but she did it. She showed a lot of courage. Um, and I have a a choice to make as her dad. I could label her as a scaredy cat, you know, maybe just in fun or just in jest. But what I label her as matters because that's what she'll believe about herself. And I know that for the rest of her life, she's gonna be facing situations where she's a little bit nervous. And I don't want her thinking, uh, I can't do it.

I'm just a scaredy cat. And subconsciously she's thinking, yeah, because that's what my dad told me. No, I want her thinking, no, no, I know I can do this. I'm a little nervous, but I know I can do it. 'Cause my daddy said I could. He said I'm brave. He said I'm a person of courage. He said I'm an overcomer. Those are the thoughts that I want going through her head. One parent said, Christian, I am proud of the individual that you are.

You think independently and critically, you don't just think selfishly, but you consider others in your thought process. I am proud of you because you stay true to yourself, even though it may not be popular with others. How cool is this for for a Christian? Um, he just found out, hey, I'm I'm unselfish and that's good. Uh I guarantee you that he's not the most independent thinker or the cr most critical thinker. Um, but he just got affirmed in it. So what's he gonna do now?

He's gonna continue to grow and develop in those areas even more. And last point on this section, and this one line might be uh the best line of the whole letter for some of your children and some of the situations they're in. hey, I see how you've been wired, your unique giftings and your unique personality. And I just want you to know I wouldn't change anything about you. I know a guy who's in a band, very successful band, traveled the world, platinum level, fate they're famous.

But he told a group of us, he said, Man, my dad is a business guy. And I get this sense from my dad that he's never gonna be proud of me until I'm good at business. But he said, I'm not good at business. I'm good at music. And he longed for his dad just to affirm him for who he is. My daughter, not very good at math. Um, needs a lot of help, a lot of tutoring. And she has a younger brother that's two months, two years younger, and he's off the charts good at math.

Like she struggles on her homework. He comes in and does it for her. And she he's getting praised for how quickly he's making out math. Um, and so she feels a little bit insecure about it, and like something maybe is wrong with her. And uh I'm like, Gracie Kate, first of all, you don't have to be good at math to make it in this world. A lot of people are not good at math. like this is what they make calculators for. You'll be just fine.

Um, but also I just want you to know, like, you have so many wonderful things and attributes about you that make you you. And if I could somehow go back into mommy's womb. And change who you are. I wouldn't do it. I wouldn't make you all of a sudden good at math. It's like, no, God made you this way. And if it's good enough for God, it's good enough for me. And that's the message that she's gotta be telling herself. Cause it's true. Okay. We're gonna answer another question in this section.

In this section of the letter, um, we want to answer the question, do you believe in me? And you're gonna write something like this I want you to know that I believe in you. No matter what happens in life or what curveball is thrown your way, you are going to make it. You've got what it takes. And uh man, I had some amazing grandparents, like praise God for good grandparents and Good grandmothers. They believed in me. I knew it. my dad believed in me.

Um, but my mom, she's the one who communicated it um really well. A couple of times she looked at me point blank and she said, Blake, I don't know what you're gonna end up doing in life, but I know that you're gonna be successful. And you might be thinking, come on, dude, like that's your mom. Like, of course your mom said that to you. Here's the thing. My mom believed it. I could hear it in her voice. And because she believed it, I believed it.

There's been moments where I'm like, man, what am I doing here? I don't know what I'm doing. But I remember what my mom said. And I had to borrow her her confidence in me to keep going. Um And so in this section of the letter, you want to communicate confidence and hope and that they're going to make it. And there's gonna be moments where they're living off of your confidence in them. Um, and so this section of the letter, you you're looking out into the future of what could be true.

Like best case scenario, what's true 10 or 20 years from now. And you're gonna believe that they're gonna make it there. And you know, like I know, my children are gonna mess up, they're gonna make mistakes, they're gonna be they're gonna disappoint me. They're human. Um, but I'm gonna believe that in those situations, man, that's just gonna make them stronger. Like it's gonna be good for them. Uh, and they're gonna figure it out. Maybe not immediately.

Cause it in this section of the letter is really hard for those of you that your children are really in the middle of making some mistakes. They're in the middle of not living up to their potential. Um, but let me say this you are never going to shame your children. into who they can become. You cannot shame them into it. But you can believe for them that they're going to get there. Now they might make it without you believing in them.

But if they do, it'll be because somebody else came into their life and believed in them. Praise God for those people, but you want it to be you as well. And I'll say this maybe you have some people in your life, and uh I know Doug has done this for people, um, where you got to believe in some people and be that person because they they were never gonna get that at home or from their parents. And so you get to fill that void.

And so um I love looking for those people that we can believe in for them and bring hope. Um, I love talking about hope. Um one author said it like this hope is the rocket fuel in someone's life. Like if you could give them one thing, give them hope. Because when you lose hope, and that's when you give up. Like you cannot make it through a really hard situation without hope. But if you just have a little bit of hope, you can make it through anything.

You also want them to know that you are on their team. That when they mess up, not if, but when, that you're for them. They gotta know this. I am guilty just as anybody of my children coming to me, and my gut reaction is to say, Oh, like, why'd you do that? Like, you know better than that. And I'm shaming them. Not on purpose, it's just kind of like in my flesh. But if I keep that up, they're not gonna want to come talk to me. Like, like when there is then when they really need to.

And when there's a situation gonna be nervous, like, oh, dad's just gonna make us feel even worse. Um, doesn't mean I have to be okay with what they did. Um, but one of the reasons I'm stressing this is because we do live in a world today where the opportunity for shame is at an all time high. you know, when we were growing up, you might make a mistake and the you know, your maybe your friends and maybe your family find out about then it's you move on from it.

But now we live in a world where a picture can be sent, a screenshot can be sent, and the whole world, the whole school, the whole world can find out just like that. Uh and uh kids every single day are making some mistakes that are gonna that they didn't they're feeling shame over. And and how do you live with that? Um And so I feel for And so if my kids make a mistake like that, I want to know, Hey, you can come talk to me. Like life is not over. Um, you're gonna be okay.

Okay. So those three sections, I love you, I'm proud of you, I believe in you. Um, we wanna nail those. All the research shows that if someone has that in their life, then they have more emotional intelligence. Um, you know, we know that EQ is more important than IQ. You can be the smartest person in the room, but if you can't uh relate with other people, if you're not self-aware, if you can't self-regulate, man, it doesn't matter how how smart you are. And so literally you are raising.

their emotional intelligence by writing these things and writing this letter. This next section of the letter is the memory section. And you could you can have a pretty impactful letter without any memories. and so I almost look at these memories as like bonus points to the letter. and every memory that you put in there is just like another bonus point, man. You made it that much sweeter. that much better. And so I recommend coming up with four to five different memories.

Um, now you might brainstorm and have 10 or 20 on the list. And as you're thinking through each year of their life or going back and looking at old pictures to help jog your memory. and some people um just have a section of memories. Hey, when I was, you know, when I think about you and your life, like here are, you know, five memories that came to my mind. And uh, you know, watching you play a little league baseball.

Um, that trip that we went on together out west, one mom said one of her favorite memories was just putting her her toddler to bed each night. And it was just kind of the sweet um time in in her life. and so maybe there's something like that like that that's that covers a period of time. Um, or maybe there's something like like there was a moment. like a day like that happened. Um it might take one sentence. Um there might be some things that take a couple of sentences or more.

Maybe there's more of a story there. Um, you might decide to instead of having a section of memories, you you just put the memories into the other sections of the letter. Cause maybe you have a perfect memory communicating I believe in you or I'm proud of you or I love you, or maybe in the intro section, like you remember the moment that you met or or that they were born. uh I put in to Gracie Kate's letter. I remember the moment that that I mean, it told me she was pregnant with her.

And we'd been trying for a year to get pregnant. And if you've been down that journey, like it's not a fun journey. And we were uh like starting to go to the doctor to see like what's wrong. And all of a sudden, my wife's calling me. I can't switch over. And so then she sends me a picture, a text. And it's a picture of the stick. And I remember just looking at that picture and realizing, man, I'm gonna be a dad. And I was so excited in that moment.

And uh I I just started weeping there in my truck. And I was, I couldn't wait to meet her. And well, I intentionally told this to my daughter.