I Survived My Suicide - Part 2

I Survived My Suicide - Part 1
I Survived My Suicide - Part 2
I Survived My Suicide - Part 3

FamilyLife Today® Radio Transcript

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Life in Spite of Me

Day 2 of 3

Guest:                             Kristen Jane Anderson

From the Series:         A Flicker of Hope

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Bob:   When she was 17 years old, Kristen Jane Anderson sought to end her life by lying across a railroad track as the train was approaching.  Miraculously, she survived; although her legs were severed.  She was soon to realize that God had a purpose for her life.  

Kristen:  Three months after I lost my legs, I was out of the hospital.  We went back to church that Sunday.  A woman came up to me who had heard about what happened to me.  She told me that I would have gone to hell if I died.  It was very difficult at the time, but I am very grateful that she was that bold at the time because it helped me see my need for Him.  It helped me think about where I would have gone eternally.  “If I had died, where would I go?”  I had never thought about it more than at that time in my life.

Bob:  This is FamilyLife Today for Thursday, September 9th.  Our host is the President of FamilyLife Dennis Rainey, and I’m Bob Lepine.  Kristen Jane Anderson joins us today to share a story of beauty from ashes and redemption from tragedy.  

Welcome to FamilyLife Today; thanks for joining us.  I have read the statistics about teenage suicide, about teens who overdose on a handful of pills from the medicine cabinet or who do violence to themselves in some way to take their own lives.

Dennis:  Right.

Bob:  I don’t know that I have ever heard a story like the one we are hearing this week.

Dennis:  Yes.  We have a guest with us this week who is willing to tell a profound story, quite a drama.  Kristen Jane Anderson joins us on FamilyLife Today.  Welcome back.

Kristen:  Thank you.

Dennis:  Kristen, you have written a book called Life, In Spite of Me.  As our listeners heard earlier, that really is an understatement.  A lot of things had taken place in your life that had left you hopeless, right?

Kristen:  Yes.  A lot of things happened.  

Dennis:  Yes.  Your father was struggling from depression as you grew up as a little girl and as a teenager.  You had three friends, as a teenager, who lost their lives—one to suicide.  You had a couple of guys stalking you—one who raped you.  You were hopeless and no one knew it.  

Kristen:  No.  My family especially knew something was wrong with me because it wasn’t in my character to not come home when I was supposed to.  I had started drinking and smoking and things like that.  That wasn’t anything I had done before.  I also stopped playing soccer.  That was something that I loved to do, and so they knew something was wrong with me.  They just didn’t know how much was wrong inside and how I was feeling.

Bob:  You say they knew something was wrong.  If you were to look back and say, “There had been something going back in my heart and soul for a month...three months...six months.”  What?

Kristen:  I think that it was a lot going on that whole period of time, but I think the last six months before my attempt were the worst.  I think I just kind of died inside.  I didn’t care about my life or anything anymore.  I drove around hoping somebody would hit me.  I wanted my life to end.  I didn’t want to take it, though.  

People would ask me how I was doing.  I would say, “I’m here.’  Kind of like, “Isn’t that good enough?”  I had just a much more negative and a little bit of a bitter attitude.  That wasn’t my normal demeanor, but at the same time I still had a smile on my face.  So people really were confused.

Bob:  Here it is the second day of the New Millennium, January 2, 2000.  It is a cold day.  You left the house, sitting in a park, just thinking about life.  The impulse—really—it was an impulse hits you. 

Dennis:  Yes.  I want to make a comment about that because I have read this before that a number of suicides that occur among young people are done, not in a sense of really thinking it through, but just deciding at the spur of the moment.

Kristen:  Right.  For me, it was.  I could never have made that as a rational decision.  If I was going to do it, it would have had to be impulsive.  I think that most people would think that way.  I think most kids, especially.  They know that suicide is wrong.  They can never rationalize it enough to think it is okay or it is right.

Bob:  You didn’t think about writing a note saying, “It’s all over.”  You didn’t have time.

Kristen:  No.  I didn’t have time and I wasn’t worried about other people.  I was in a very selfish place.

Bob:  So you went and laid across the railroad tracks with a train coming.  Did the conductor see you dive across the tracks?

Kristen:  Yes.  The police report says that the conductor said to the engineer, “Did you see that yellow flash?”  The engineer said to the conductor, “Yes. I think we just hit someone.”  The yellow flash that they saw was this yellow jacket that I had on—my winter coat.

Dennis:  It was a new coat that you had just gotten for Christmas was it, or was that the jeans you had gotten?

Kristen:  Right.  The coat was new; the shoes were new.  All of it was new actually.  

Bob:  So you dove across the tracks.  The conductor, the engineer said, “I think we just hit somebody.”  They put on the brakes, brought the train to a stop?

Kristen:  Yes.  Then they called 911.

Bob:  And came back finding you lying on the tracks, legs severed—one below the knee and the other...

Kristen:  They didn’t come to find me, but the parame...