Note: We use AI transcription so there may be some inaccuracies
Danielle Cobo: Today's conversation is one we've never had before, but one that is more important than ever. Welcome to the Unstoppable Grit Podcast with Danielle Cobo, where you learn the strategies, mindset, shifts, and actions you can take to ignite transformation to lead with grit and resilience. Hi, I'm your host, Danielle Kobo.
In a time where unprecedented challenges are testing our collective mental health, how can we support each other, especially when someone we know, be it a friend, family member, or colleague is going through an intensely difficult period. Today's guest is the author of Why Me, why Now, and a Pillar of Support During some extraordinary, difficult times, she turned two tragic life-changing experiences into a guide for all of us to better understand mental health, especially in the context of tragedy and loss.
The topic of today's episode is sensitive, so if you have young kids in the car, you might want to pause until you can listen without them. September is suicide prevention month, and as I have shared in previous episodes, I lost my mother to suicide in March of 2020. Today's discussion aims to you with the tools to have deeply sensitive conversations.
Whether helping someone cope with a loss of a loved one or aiding someone struggling with depression, I.
Danielle Cobo: Well, Melanie, I am excited to have you on the podcast. Do youwhen I read your story, it really resonated on a deep level. We shared some personal experiences and different capacities, and I'm excited for you to share your message. But before we go into the questions in the interview, will you please share with our listeners a little bit about yourself and your background?
Melanie Gareau: Thank you so much. I am so happy to be here. This is such a privilege for me. I am a French Canadian. I live in the province of Saskatchewan. I have three children, ages 14, 12, and nine. And I married my high school sweetheart almost. Well, 17 years, we just celebrated our 17 year anniversary, and I'm also a new author.
My first book was published in August of this year, so that's very exciting. I started off as a teacher 22 years old, and I taught for about a dozen years. In I became the. Principal of the school and it wasn't a good fit for me. I decided to step away from it this year.
So last week I started a new position as a consultant with the school division. So I actually work from home now. It's something completely new and I'm, I'm up for the challenge.
let's
Danielle Cobo: talk a little bit about, you had a very successful career as a teacher but you had some pivotal moments in your career that changed your life. Can you please share with our listeners what those pivotal moments were?
Melanie Gareau: so there were two moments.
The first one happened in 2015. I was getting ready for my school day. It was eight o'clock in the morning. I had just gotten to school. I was sitting at my desk on my computer looking at what My plan was for the day when I noticed a student pull up to the school right outside my window. And I thought that was very strange.
But he, his mom worked in the school. She was the custodian at that time, and she was there already. So I thought maybe he was coming to help out with something I continued doing my work and suddenly I. heard what sounded like a snowball thrown at my window. It was that sound, the sound of a snowball, and it was winter, so I thought maybe someone had.
Grabbed a snowball and had thrown it at my window. So I kind of looked outside and I noticed the car was still there and I didn't see my student. So I continued to do my work. And a couple, about a minute later, someone ran into my classroom to tell me what had happened. My student had taken his life just outside my classroom window.
The rest of that day was a lot like what you see in the movies. Everything happened in slow motion, but also at high speed. It kind of felt like I didn't really know what was going on. I didn't know where I should be. this student's mother was notified of what happened right there.
Like we had to tell her before she ran outside. I'm in a very small town, a very, very small town. We don't have. Police officers or, any of those services. So we had to wait quite a while before anyone came. the buses arrived with the rest of the students. We had everyone in the gym to kind of keep them, away from what had happened.
And it was incredibly traumatic, as you can imagine for me and for a lot of, Other people, my students, I'll never forget the look in my students' eyes after that day ' cause they were forever changed by what had happened. So the next day I had to walk back into the school and continue life as if nothing had happened.
Not that we didn't talk about it, we did have access to Counseling if we wanted to in the, couple weeks following the tragedy. But I was, back in front of the classroom teaching and trying to do what I can to help these students that had been through this, tragic event.
The way I dealt with it, I realize now is probably not the most healthy I. Ignored my feelings. I, didn't let myself think about what had happened. I put myself in autopilot and I went through my days without. Thinking about what had happened. Fast forward a few years. Another one of my, he wasn't a student of mine at that time, but he had been a former student.
He was a little bit older in his, early twenties. Took his life, died by suicide, and he was my best friend's brother and. It kind of spiraled me back. I went back to what had happened in 2015 with my other student. And this time I, I really couldn't ignore the feelings. I, decided I needed to process the feelings 'cause it was really, really hard.
It was debilitating. was hard for me to understand what was going on. So one of the ways I decided to instead of going to therapy right away, which I should have done one of the strategies I used was to wake up early in the morning and journal. I follow a lot of. Influencers. I read a lot of self-help books.
I listen to a lot of podcasts, audio books, everything. I'm always kind of immersed in that, self-help space. And I hear a lot about the benefits of journaling. So I decided I would wake up before the kids and I would journal, and that's what I did for a few months After the few months I kept hearing that, you maybe I should, put these thoughts into, a Google Docs document so that they don't go anywhere and I can maybe do something with it.
And I became very hyper aware of how my students at school were feeling. and this was as a way to make sure that this kind of tragedy didn't happen again. And that was also, I feel like it was a little bit unhealthy 'cause I did it so much. I was so hyper aware of what they were telling me and what they weren't telling me and what their body language was telling me.
When I journaled, I was writing to my students, the students who were left, the students that I was, teaching at that time, lots of them would come to me with some of their, challenges. And I would do what I can to listen first and foremost. And if they needed advice, if that's what they were looking for, I would offer whatever I had to offer.
But writing was a way for me to put my. Ideas, my advice on paper. So I started to do that and my intention was never to write a book or to publish a book. I didn't think anyone would ever see what I was writing. So for an entire year, I would wake up at five o'clock in the morning and I would write, and I continued to journal on the site too.
I really enjoyed journaling. I'd write the things I was grateful for and some of the dreams I was trying to reach for. And I continued that practice. And then I was also writing at the end of a year. I couldn't ignore that I had something that was worth publishing, especially because this was already uh, the end of 2019.
We were in. Not that I knew at that time, but with Covid and everything, weour society was, heading for a mental health crisis in 2020 and 20 21. And here I was sitting on something that could be valuable for someone, and could help someone out. So I decided to publish.
In 2020, I started my new job. It kind of sucked out all creative energy I had, so I found it very hard to continue to work on this book. So for two years, I ignored it. I didn't really do anything with this book, but that thought, that voice was constant.
I was thinking about it daily. I felt guilty that I was not putting it out into the world. but I just had no mental capacity to continue working on this book until I notified my employer last December that I I would finish the year as a principal, but I was not returning back to my position in this, current school year.
And the moment I gave my notification, It's like my,everything opened up and I had that creative energy again, and I, was able to publish my book a few months later.
writing a book is no easy feat,I'm about to release my book and I can relate to the rigor and the dedication that it takes to write a book. It is at least a year journey and there's so much that goes involved, Thank you for sharing your story. It's it's an unfortunate story in the fact that two people's lives were lost with mental health. and you've shared, what you learned from that experience and not only what not to do or I would say what's not supportive in processing it and what is, and what I've learned from.
Danielle Cobo: Losing my mom to suicide was that when I talk to people, there's always somebody in the room that shares that they have as well, lost somebody that they know. I remember sitting at a table with several friends and, colleagues in the speaking industry, and it seemed as though.
Every person had experienced some sort of friend or family member or a colleague that was taken by suicide. Mm-hmm. And it's unfortunately a lot more prevalent than I believe that people talk about. you nailed it on the head where it was. So often when we're struck by a tragedy in our life and whether it is losing somebody that we know to suicide or a family member or an illness that has hit us in our family so often we will continue to push on and try to just focus on work.
But that does not serve us in the long run, and it's important to sit down and. Process our emotions so that we could heal from it. Because pushing through does, if anything, it's what creates the burnout. It's what creates the overwhelming, creates the underlining a lot of times anxiety that gets created of an outcome when we don't sit down and process our emotions.
Mm-hmm.
Melanie Gareau: Absolutely. And we can be very good at hiding our emotions and ignoring our emotions and pushing them aside, but at some point they're gonna come up at some point it's all gonna resurface. And that's what happened to me. the second time it happened, I was majorly triggered and there were other events following.
Those suicides that also triggered me and They weren't suicides, but other tragic events made me feel a little bit outta control. But the more I process that second suicide, I feel like I'm a lot stronger. I feel like I have a lot more understanding of what it is, like.
I've done so much research on suicide. I feel like I have more of an understanding more compassion. I actually talk about it in my book. The whole book is not about suicide. I like to think it's all about mental health. 'cause all of the 14 issues that I decided to write about, they can all be related to mental health. You
when you're struggling with your body image or.specifically depression or, or anxiety friendships and, relationships. All of that. if it's not going very well, it's all related to mental health.
A lot of us experience, possibly some colleagues or friends or family members who might be in a very difficult situation. Mm-hmm. And it maybe there's, suffering from mental health or, maybe they're just going through some extreme challenges in their life.
Danielle Cobo: Mm-hmm. What advice would you give to somebody? Who could be there as a colleague, as a leader, as a friend, what advice would you share for those individuals if they know somebody who's going through, challenges in their life?
Melanie Gareau: my advice is very, very simple. I think the best thing we can do is just listen when someone is going through something difficult.
It's not necessary for us to have the answer. It's not necessary for us to have the right thing to say or the right thing to do. I think people just want to be heard. People want to be understood. They want to feel supported. And sometimes when Someone is going through something difficult. They're not necessarily looking for you to have the answer, for you to have the solution or for you to solve the problem. Sometimes They want a safe space to talk about it and to be understood. And that's kind of the approach I had with my students when I worked with them.
they wanna be able to tell someone. And I mean, it depends obviously on the, how much they're struggling. If someone is, having suicidal thoughts, that advice is definitely different. I would definitely follow a different. procedure, different protocol. But when someone is struggling, I think they just need to be heard.
I think that's all we want is to have someone to talk
Danielle Cobo: to. Yeah. And, and that, being heard is, I was reading Brene Brown's book and it was Dare to Lead and and as you said, it's not so much being the problem solver, it's sitting along. Side by them, and it's about listening and acknowledging their feelings and saying sometimes like, yeah, going through a really difficult time and acknowledging it.
And that's part of the support. Oh yeah. And even asking the question what does support look like for you? Because there have been times when I was in a leadership role and I was leading a team, and I've had people on my team who have. Experienced anxiety attacks who I have sat in the hospital next to as they were having an anxiety attack and, also people that have obviously lost family members.
And as you mentioned, a lot of that time is whether you. Supporting somebody in a leadership role or as an immediate colleague, or even as a friend, is sitting and listening to them and letting them know that you are there to support them. And it's not always about having the answers, it is about showing them empathy and that you care.
Mm-hmm. And that they matter. and also too, as you had mentioned, when it comes to If someone is, having those suicidal thoughts, there's, there obviously is gonna be a different approach in making sure that they have the right psychiatric help and counseling and getting them involved. And for those of you that are listening right there, if you know somebody or if you are experiencing it yourself lot of organizations do offer what's called the employee assistance program and a lot of organizations do offer where.
Through this employee assistance program, they will offer either three to six or even more free counseling sessions. It doesn't even come out of your deductible, and it's so helpful to be able to talk with a professional who can provide some guidance in addition to the people that are close to you in your life.
Mm-hmm.
Melanie Gareau: Yeah, for sure. I think it's important for us. I don't know how it is where you are, but our mental health services are not, Good enough. We don't have enough to support the people who need help in regards to mental health. And that's part of why I'm doing what I'm doing.
And my book is my first project, but I've got other projects coming up and my goal is to have us talking a lot more about mental health. I want it to be something. Normal to talk about at the dinner table with your kids, so that if someone is struggling with their mental health, they know that they should go get help.
It's something that unfortunately we don't talk about enough. yeah, I agree with everything you've
Danielle Cobo: said. I agree with you. It's not. Something that we talk about a lot. Mm-hmm. and it's something that, the more that people share their message, I,kind of live by this philosophy that sometimes our pain becomes our purpose.
And our mess. Becomes our message. you and I have both experienced tragedy in our life, which has then transitioned into having a purpose and sharing this message in hopes to save the lives of other people. a lot of times people will not talk about the challenges that they're going through, especially in a work capacity because they fear that it might affect their job.
for a leader, it's important that you create a psychologically safe environment for people to be vulnerable, to be authentic, because the best way to support your employees, to be the best versions of themselves is to create a psychologically safe environment for them to share their feelings and that for you to be able to provide the resources that are going to support them, and whether that is just being a listening ear.
and being supportive in that way. It could be offering the employee assistance program. It could be sometimes a medical leave, but having somebody who's going through challenges in the sense of where they might be having those suicidal thoughts or they're not in the right emotional state that they would be, they're not gonna be productive and the best thing to do is to support them, to help them get back on track.
Pushing through and working harder is not the answer.
Melanie Gareau: Yeah, absolutely. Yes. Well, I just listened to your podcast about the lady you interviewed, but she worked in Human Resources and she talks about how the word she likes to use instead is what employee care or
I thought that was so interesting. It's so true.
Danielle Cobo: human resources, is about Taking care of your employees. Mm-hmm. I, I come from a sales background and I would say that my number one customer. Is always going to be my team. Mm-hmm. as a leader, if you take really good care of your team and you treat them as your number one customer, then they will treat their customers as their number one.
Mm-hmm. sometimes that remains removing roadblocks and obstacles and a capacity that's supporting them in doing their job. And sometimes it is. Emotional support. and that's a lot of times what it is because in a leadership role, you are leading a lot of different personalities and each person needs a different support.
When it comes to them performing their job and not only just understanding the technical aspect, but more importantly the emotional support. Yeah, absolutely.
Melanie Gareau: a hundred percent. So for
Danielle Cobo: those of you that are listening out there, there are some people that are gonna listen to this episode and who may or may have not experienced tragedy like this in your life, and my hope is that.
Our conversation today will provide you with the tools to be able to open up and have these types of conversations. Whether it be about suicide and helping somebody process maybe they just lost someone to suicide, or maybe they know somebody who's going through suicidal thoughts or even if it's somebody that you know, or even yourself who has lost somebody that you care to, any illness, cancer, whatever it is.
But our hope in sharing this message today, Is that you take the time, to pause, take the time to process the emotions, take the time to get the support whether it's talking with friends, colleagues, or a psychologist. and really ensuring that you're taking the time To have the emotional support so that you can move forward.
Mm-hmm. And as you can see with Melanie and the story that you shared is sometimes that pain, sometimes that pain becomes your purpose. And that's clearly what you're doing here is you have written a book that is going to support not only the teenagers and, they definitely need this book, but also the parents of teenagers and anybody who's experienced some sort of loss.
In their life. Mm-hmm. thank you so much for listening and if you know somebody who could benefit from tuning into this episode and you wanna support them, share this episode with them you can just quickly share it either from Apple Podcast or Google Podcast or Spotify. But thank you for tuning in and I look forward to you tuning in next week.