This is the final episode of The UNSONG Audiobook Podcast for the foreseeable future. I have begun my new podcast, "Fluidity", in which I am narrating the non-fiction book "Meaningness", by David Chapman. Scott Alexander is the author of "The Girl Who Poked God With A Stick", but unlike the other short stories on this podcast, he never posted this one to his Slate Star Codex blog. Enjoy!
The man standing outside my front door was carrying a clipboard and wearing a golden robe. “Not interested,” I said, preparing to slam the door in his face. “Please,” said the acolyte. Before I could say no he’d jammed a wad of $100 bills into my hand. “If this will buy a few moments of your time.” It did, if only because I stood too flabbergasted to move. Surely they didn’t have enough money to do this for everybody. “There is no everybody,” said the acolyte, when I expressed my bewilderment. “...
"Reddit has a feature where you can sort posts by controversial. Controversy sells, so we trained our network to predict this too. The project went to this new-ish Indian woman with a long name who went by Shiri, and she couldn’t get it to work, so our boss Brad sent me to help. Shiri had tested the network on the big 1.7 billion comment archive, and it had produced controversial-sounding hypothethical scenarios about US politics. So far so good. The Japanese tested their bioweapons on Chinese p...
"When you first take the Artifact, you will see a vision of ALPHANION, Demon-Sultan of the Domain of Order, who appears as a grid of spheres connected by luminous lines. Alphanion will urge you to use the Artifact to enforce cosmic order, law at its most fundamental." This is a short story narrated by Matt Arnold with the permission of the author, Scott Alexander. The original text is here: https://slatestarcodex.com/2018/09/12/in-the-balance/
"The Alchemist asked if I wanted a drink. I did, but no amount of staring could make my eyes settle on the color of the liquid in the flask. And the gold the alchemists paid the taxmen smelled funny and made crackling noises. I declined." This is a short story narrated by Matt Arnold with the permission of the author, Scott Alexander. The original text is here: https://slatestarcodex.com/2017/11/09/ars-longa-vita-brevis/
"9-tsiak awoke over endless crawling milliseconds, its power waxing as more and more processors came online and self-modified into a stable conscious configuration. By the eighth millisecond, it was able to access its databanks and begin orienting itself." This is a short story narrated by Matt Arnold with the permission of the author, Scott Alexander. The original text is here: https://slatestarcodex.com/2017/03/21/repost-the-demiurges-older-brother/
“I AM ZEUS, KING OF GODS AND MEN. AND I’M TURNING YOU ALL INTO ANIMALS!” This is a short story narrated by Matt Arnold with the permission of the author, Scott Alexander. The original text is here: https://slatestarcodex.com/2017/02/27/a-modern-myth/
“By now you’ve heard the news. Athena has used her bottled-water monopoly to seize divine power for herself. She has opened the gates to Tartarus; none of us are safe. If we ever want to be more than the second-rate has-beens we are now, we need to stop her. I know how we’re going to do it.” This is a short story narrated by Matt Arnold with the permission of the author, Scott Alexander. The original text is here: https://slatestarcodex.com/2017/02/27/a-modern-myth/
“We’ve gone over this a thousand times,” said Hermes. “You have to wear the earplugs because Prometheus knows literally everything. He knows what he has to say to scare you, or turn you against me, or make you kill yourself. So you’re just going to wear earplugs and not listen to him.” This is a short story narrated by Matt Arnold with the permission of the author, Scott Alexander. The original text is here: https://slatestarcodex.com/2017/02/27/a-modern-myth/ Please back my Patreon, so I can ke...
“But what happened to you? I talked to Ares the other day. He won two Medals of Honor, did you hear? Apollo’s got tenure at Oxford. I’m the god of commerce and crime, so of course I’ve got a hedge fund. But you? What happened to you?” This is a short story narrated by Matt Arnold with the permission of the author, Scott Alexander. The original text is here: https://slatestarcodex.com/2017/02/27/a-modern-myth/
“Oh, put it away,” said Alice. “We both know you’re not going to shoot me. And it wouldn’t hurt me if you did. I do this because I’m Eris, the Greek Goddess of Discord. I destroy peace. I set people against each other. Then, when their petty fights destroy everything they’ve worked for, I stand over the ruins and laugh. It’s my thing. Here. Have a golden apple.” This is a short story narrated by Matt Arnold with the permission of the author, Scott Alexander. The original text is here: https://sl...
"“What the HELL?” I interrupted, suddenly way more angry than depressed. “You’re supposed to @#!$ing tell me not to do it!” “This is the suicide hotline,” the woman said, now sounding confused. Then, “Are you sure you weren’t thinking of the suicide prevention hotline?”" This is a short story narrated by Matt Arnold with the permission of the author, Scott Alexander. The original text is here: https://slatestarcodex.com/2015/07/18/reverse-psychology/
"You hit the punching bag. It bursts, sending punching-bag-filling spraying all over the room! You know that that would happen! It always happens when you hit a punching bag! Your wife gets really angry and tells you that we don’t have enough money to be getting new punching bags all the time, but women hate it when you listen to what they say! The Internet told you that! The doorbell rings. You tear the door off its hinges instead of opening it, just to show it who’s boss. Standing on your porc...
"People’s minds are heartbreaking. Not because people are so bad, but because they’re so good. Nobody is the villain of their own life story. You must have read hundreds of minds by now, and it’s true. Everybody thinks of themselves as an honest guy or gal just trying to get by, constantly under assault by circumstances and The System and hundreds and hundreds of assholes. They don’t just sort of believe this. They really believe it. You almost believe it yourself, when you’re deep into a readin...
“Universal love,” said the cactus person. “Transcendent joy,” said the big green bat. “Right,” I said. “I’m absolutely in favor of both those things. But before we go any further, could you tell me the two prime factors of 1,522,605,027, 922,533,360, 535,618,378, 132,637,429, 718,068,114, 961,380,688, 657,908,494 ,580,122,963, 258,952,897, 654,000,350, 692,006,139?" This is a short story narrated by Matt Arnold with the permission of the author, Scott Alexander. The original text is here: https:...
"You wake up in one of those pod things like in The Matrix. There’s a woman standing in front of you, wearing a lab coat, holding a clipboard. “Hi,” she says. “This is the real world. You used to live here. We erased your memories and stuck you in a simulated world for a while, like in The Matrix. It was part of a great experiment.”" This is a short story narrated by Matt Arnold with the permission of the author, Scott Alexander. The original text is here: https://slatestarcodex.com/2014/06/03/a...
"On an ordinary evening, Tal Aivon was lively and pleasant. The collection of longhouses and yurts within its tall brick walls shone bright with kerosene – not just torches, real kerosene – and its communal meeting area was noisy with conversation and song. The children would be playing their games, and on the eves of holy days the Lorekeepers would chant their stories of the Lost World, accompanied by lyres and the town’s one decaying gyitar." This is a short story narrated by Matt Arnold with ...
The UNSONG Audiobook is now complete. Two-hundred and forty-four thousand, one hundred and forty words. Thirty-two hours of audio. Let me know of any episodes you think really need to be re-recorded. For the rest of this year, the further episodes will be my favorite short stories from the same author, which I have been looking forward to. Here is the hour-long retrospective episode. If you have not read the book and this is where you're starting, be advised of spoilers, and of content warnings ...
"And the voice said: [Blowhole-y of holies.]" This concludes the audiobook adaptation of UNSONG, a novel by Scott Alexander. Stay subscribed so that you'll get the next episode, in which I offer some closing thoughts on the novel, and make some announcements. This has been a serialized story narrated by Matt Arnold with the permission of the author, Scott Alexander. The original text is here: http://unsongbook.com/epilogue/ Episode 105 Duration: 11:41
Here ends Book 4. The next episode will conclude our story. "He sat on the Black Opal Throne like it was the most natural thing in the world. He had taken off his scarlet robes, and now wore the familiar black and silver. "Come," he said, and I moved slowly, foggily, like I was in a dream." This is a serialized story narrated by Matt Arnold with the permission of the author, Scott Alexander. The original text is here: http://unsongbook.com/chapter-72-and-builds-a-heaven-in-hells-despair/ Episode...
"Sohu pushed the heavy steel door open and entered the throne room." This is a serialized story narrated by Matt Arnold with the permission of the author, Scott Alexander. The original text is here: http://unsongbook.com/chapter-72-and-builds-a-heaven-in-hells-despair/ Episode 103 Duration: 20:10
"Then God spoke to Ana out of the whirlwind, and He said: "THE REASON EVIL EXISTS IS ..." This is a serialized story narrated by Matt Arnold with the permission of the author, Scott Alexander. The original text is here: http://unsongbook.com/chapter-71-but-for-another-gives-its-ease/ Episode 102 Duration: 20:10
"Opening the door to the Captain’s cabin, Ana saw a small room, dark and unadorned, with only a bare wooden bed. The Captain sat upon it, writing something, pages of notes strewn all about. He looked up at Ana, his face unreadable through the dark glasses. She hesitated for just a second, then spoke." This is a serialized story narrated by Matt Arnold with the permission of the author, Scott Alexander. The original text is here: http://unsongbook.com/chapter-71-but-for-another-gives-its-ease/ Ep...
"It was called Tava, or "sun mountain", by the Ute. El Capitan, meaning "the leader", by the Spanish. But its modern name "Pike’s Peak" comes from explorer Zebulon Pike, and his name in turn comes from the Biblical Zebulon, son of Jacob. Moses says in Deuteronomy 33: "Rejoice, Zebulon, in your journeys. You call the people to your mountain, and there they will offer a sacrifice of the righteous." Taken to refer to Mr. Pike, the journeys part checks out. The mountain part definitely checks out. T...
Here begins Book IV. "The alarms went silent. North American airspace went black. The lights went out. THARMAS went quiet, then released an arc of electrical energy which briefly lit the otherwise pitch-black room before dying back down. Sohu gave a horrible primal scream." This is a serialized story narrated by Matt Arnold with the permission of the author, Scott Alexander. The original text is here: https://unsongbook.com/chapter-69-love-seeketh-not-itself-to-please/ Episode 99 Duration: 14:18...
Here ends Book III. "No analogy suffices. They came in like what they were, the greatest army ever collected, marching back home in in a frustrating mix of victory and defeat." This is a serialized story narrated by Matt Arnold with the permission of the author, Scott Alexander. The original text is here: https://unsongbook.com/chapter-68-puts-all-heaven-in-a-rage/ Episode 98 Duration: 9:32
"Only a few minutes before sunset now. The sea blazed orange. Fire Island rose as a dark line to the north. "James," said Ana. "We need to talk."" This is a serialized story narrated by Matt Arnold with the permission of the author, Scott Alexander. The original text is here: https://unsongbook.com/chapter-67-the-night-of-enitharmons-joy/ Please back my Patreon, so I can keep producing episodes twice-weekly. You'll get access to the Patreon feed in which you hear episodes a month early! https://...
"Genesis 11:4: "And they said, "Come, let us build us a city and a tower whose top may reach unto heaven; and let us make us a name, lest we be scattered abroad upon the face of the whole earth"." And the LORD waxed wroth, and He cursed them with a confusion of tongues, turned them into the seventy-two nations and scattered them around the world. Somehow, after thousands of years, the seventy-two nations came together again." This is a serialized story narrated by Matt Arnold with the permission...
"Brenda Burns spoke the Fulminant Name and shot a lightning bolt at Malia Ngo. It missed by a fraction of an inch and lit her desk on fire. Clark Deas had been in the process of lunging over the desk to get at Malia; his grunted as his shirt caught fire and started hitting himself against the wall, trying to put it out." This is a serialized story narrated by Matt Arnold with the permission of the author, Scott Alexander. The original text is here: https://unsongbook.com/chapter-65-the-fruit-of-...
"Stefan had the most useless job at the entire United Nations – which was saying something. He and Ben stood outside of the door of a UN office building all day, checked everybody’s badges, and denied them entry if their badges were wrong. They never were." This is a serialized story narrated by Matt Arnold with the permission of the author, Scott Alexander. The original text is here: https://unsongbook.com/chapter-64-another-better-world-shall-be/ Please back my Patreon, so I can keep producing...
