Finding Her Beat: Healing and Identity Through Taiko with Jennifer Weir - Ep 144

Welcome to this episode of Unraveling Adoption, an intentional space to delve into adoption's complexities together. I'm Beth Syverson. I'm an adoptive mom of a talented and sweet 20-year-old son, Joey, who is trying to launch into adulthood. I'm walking beside him while working on my own personal growth and healing. I'm still trying to be a good adult too. I think we all are, right? I'm also a certified coach helping

primarily adoptive parents. Joey and I are committed to helping anyone impacted by adoption, and we want to help the general public understand adoption's complexities better too. Since my son is an inter-country adoptee from Japan, I always listen extra closely to other Asian inter-country adoptees. I want to learn more about the complexities of being in that liminal space between the Asian and American worlds. Would you like to join me in finding out how an

Asian adoptee continues to explore their Asian identity? Well, today's guest is Jennifer Weir, a Korean adoptee who landed with a white family in North Dakota. As a young adult, she made her way to Minneapolis, Minnesota, which happens to be a hub of Korean adoptees. She found her Asian-American community within the theater industry there and was introduced to the Japanese art

of taiko drumming. A light bulb went off when she heard taiko for the first time, and now she is the executive director of Taiko Arts Midwest. And she recently produced and was the driving force in the award-winning documentary called Finding Her Beat, which I highly recommend you go watch after listening to this episode. The film follows her as she coordinates an incredible concert featuring elite women taiko drummers from Japan, US, and

Canada. I'm so excited to have you on Unraveling Adoption, Yeah. You know, I'm a Taiko drummer, too. Some of my listeners know that I talk about it sometimes. It's so fun. It's changed my world. So we can connect on that. And you don't make it a secret. It's even in the film that you're adopted and you're finding your Asian identity through Taiko. So like, oh, my gosh, I've got to talk to her. So I'm

so glad you answered my note. And I'm super thrilled. I feel like Well, we'll get to the taiko and the Asian piece, but can you just give us a brief overview of how you became an adoptee and how old Sure. I came to the U.S. from South Korea when I was about five and a half months old. My parents at that time lived in Minneapolis and there's always the lore of your adoption. And so one of mine is that my parents were ready to head up north to Hibbing, Minnesota for

Oh, yeah, sure. That's way up north. Yeah. Yeah, Yeah, sure. But they had that nagging feeling like, oh, I think I left the coffee pot on. So they turned around, went back home. When they did, they got a phone call. They picked it up and it was saying, your child is coming. So they canceled their plans and they went to the airport. And so they picked me up. Well, either they didn't know and it was that

quick, or they were told would be arriving. And so they canceled their trip and stayed in town to then pick me up on Thanksgiving Day. Wow. So they got a Oh my gosh. Well, that is a good story. It makes for a good heartwarming Well, my father told me that I was the loudest and the most unhappy baby on the lot. And my mom was surprised looking at me because my face was so red and scrunched up. And I've been crying the entire trip. She's like, this doesn't match the picture. Are you sure? Oh

no. So I grew up with them. They divorced when I was about four. And then my mom moved to Minot, North Dakota, where a large amount of her family lived. And I grew up and spent most of my childhood in Okay. Okay. So you start off in Minneapolis, then went to North Dakota. Okay. Very good. And for those that don't know the Midwest very well, Minneapolis is

a diverse and eclectic, big city. And Minneapolis also was one of those thoroughfares where Korean adoptees came by the thousands through Minnesota. And so the connections with Holt and the Children's Home Society made Minnesota Did you know that when you were growing up? Well, you were in North Dakota, but did you When I was younger, my dad's best friend also adopted a Korean daughter and we hung out and spent our summers and holidays together. Oh, nice.

Yeah. And they named her Jenny and I'm Jennifer. So we were big J and little J. But that was the only other adoptee I Wow. Okay. And how many Asian people are in North Dakota? Just you two? So No. No, not, not really. Not when I was growing up, we were near an air force base. So there was some diversity of folks coming from all over. But the town kids and the air force base kids usually were kind of separate, which is unfortunate.

But yeah, there weren't very many other Asian folks. And so I grew up, I would say, very much having an internalized white identity. And so even if someone had come up to me and said, Hey, you know, would you like this free trip to Korea? I would have been like, why would I need that? Why are you even talking to me? I didn't have any real connection to what that meant. And if anything, had a slight internalized OK. Yeah. So did your family try to cook

No, we just didn't really have any references for. And to their credit, I would say that at that time, the philosophy around international adoption was to be colorblind. Yes. Like you are doing your best if you just treat them like your own and erase I think you're around my same age, right? You're in your 50s? Yes. Okay, so that is the era. Yeah, we're all the same. Yeah, we're colorblind. Don't notice anything. Yeah. Right. Luckily

we are past that. Hopefully people are getting past that colorblind notion because that is harmful to people of color. It's curious because sometimes my son who grew up in a white neighborhood, his adoptive dad is Japanese American, but very detached from his culture. And I'm white in case anyone's just listening and not looking at my picture. He feels white and he sometimes Yeah, I would say that growing up, I would be surprised if I was reminded that I was Asian, either by outwardly or

inwardly sources. And that would always be this little moment of being uncomfortable and trying to brush it off or laugh it off. And in fact, the compliments of people near to me would be, oh, I don't even think of you as Asian. which all comes from the right place, a very pure and lovely place, but does in fact erase a whole Yes, yes. I am really trying to learn this because I, I messed this up when my kid was little. I did not do a

great job. I give myself like a C minus. I didn't like flunk, but I didn't do as well as I could have. So I am paying attention and taking notes. Very good. And my son got bullied, like microaggressed against many, many times, you know, Oh, you're so smart with math. You're Asian. Can you do my homework or sayonara, like goofy things that kids would say to him that reminded him constantly that he's different and othered. Did that happen to you in school?

Oh, yeah. I mean, I would say that I was overtly bullied, but not bullied to the point where my response were, these people are so stupid. Okay. Like, don't they know you're not supposed to do that? Kind of like, okay, these Why didn't their parents teach them to be decent human beings? Yeah, Yeah. I mean, I think Asian kids in general, if you're perceived as weak on the playground, that's just not a good thing. Period. In junior high, someone would kick me under the table and call

me a jungle monkey. And I didn't even really understand the reference other than that it was a racial slur. But you're always taught to rise above it and to ignore them and to, you know, don't give them any attention and all of those things. Be the better person. I was horrified if my parents would ever learn about it and I'd be the last person to complain about it. But in retrospect, if I saw anybody doing that to my kid, we would have some

harsh words. But there's a whole language around bullying now that there wasn't then. And it could be for any myriad of reasons. Racism aside, it could just be because you wore the wrong color shirt that day. Oh, yeah. Kids are really mean.

Yeah. I would say that I struggled with that. But my defense mechanism growing up was to just float above it, to rise above it, to not let things bother me and to not feel any real grief or So you just kind of stuffed it and said, I can be better than these cretins that are calling me names. And by the way, that child that called you that name, they Yeah, right. And, you know, they were they probably didn't have the easiest time growing up either from what

I recall. So and then I'll share this on your podcast because I think it's appropriate and it's really humbling. And I wasn't going to do this, but now that we're talking about it, I will, because we're talking about bullying. So I was in, I think, third grade. And at that time, I had a nemesis. Someone who, whenever they saw me, would yell out racial slurs at me and make noises every time I saw them. And I would just get so frustrated, but I'd never have a chance to speak back.

And eventually, one day, I kind of had it. We were passing each other in the hallway alone, and they yelled out at me, and I just lost it. And normally I was not a fight backer. I was a very quiet, do-gooder, teacher's petter. And I stopped, and I whirled around, and I screamed back the N-word. Okay. And his eyes got so big and white and stopped in his tracks and he like hightailed it out of there and I never heard from him again. It stopped the problem completely but in my mind he

in fact disappeared from existence. I don't remember even him after that moment. Wow. But I knew in that moment, I knew that I had done the worst thing possible, that I had done the bad thing, that I was the bad person. And it never occurred to me that, oh, he was the only Black kid in the school. I was the only Asian kid in the school. Who was going to pick on each other? The two of us, right? And it never occurred to me that we should be allies. It never occurred to me that I was just so upset

that he, of all people, would be attacking me. But now it makes perfect sense and that's what happens. You know, you pit the folks in the margins against each other, right? And so we're scrapping in the streets and we're doing all the things instead of really addressing the larger systematic issues. So third grade, I had what I would say it was probably my most shameful Thank you for sharing that vulnerable story. And at that time,

did you tell your parents or? No. How long has that been sitting there? Oh, I haven't told that story once to a room of Yeah. And it's just that for me, it was so convoluted because just my personality and how I coped or survived was just to take it and blow it off, take it and blow it off. And then you reach that point where you can't take it anymore and you fight back. But one of the few moments when I fought back was totally the wrong moment. You know what I mean? Like, it's just kind of

Yeah. I'm sad for the kid. I'm sad for me. I'm sad that whatever moment of speaking up for myself was so terribly tainted by the whole situation. But looking back, it took me a long time to even remember this and own that that happened and to kind of keep myself humble in the world of easily politicized or easily extreme conversations that, you know, just be humble as Well, I understand that the cultural norm in Asian cultures, many Asian cultures, is to be gracious

and even keeled. And it's kind of a culture of stuffing feelings down. But I bet there's just this anger underneath the Asian-American experience that Yeah, I think Deborah Wong is quoted as saying rage is one of the unifying factors of the Asian-American experience. And it comes out in kind of sideways ways sometimes. Yes. Stuff it. As an adult, I've gotten into therapy, which has been really helpful in sort of unlocking what I would say are the unpleasant feelings that

I've sort of boxed up for quite a long time. Taiko drumming is a wonderful way to release lots of negative energy and Yeah, it's hugely cathartic. It's hugely therapeutic and healing. Yeah. So that's been helpful and truly just having friends or meeting other people who you can share some of these. experiences with has been really, really key to growing with that. And also learning that rage is not always bad. It's not like a good feeling or a bad feeling. It's

a feeling. And again, I'm quoting Deborah Wong again, but she said rage plus passion equals empowerment. Yeah, you can use it. So you can take that rage and you can not be hollowed out by it. But you can use it as fuel to move a Absolutely. Our American culture doesn't do well with anger, and I agree that if we can learn to harness it somehow, use it. And I love taiko drumming for anger and anxiety too. I just dump it into the drum. Sometimes if I'm really angry, I think of whoever I'm

at in the center of my drum and just hit hit them. Just like go at it. I don't know if the taiko gods would be angry about that, but it helps me so much. It just gets it out physically. And then the sound vibrations, I feel like it's a jackhammer Yeah, it really breaks it up. It vibrates it out and Yeah, and it's so good. And then when you do it together, taiko drumming nowadays, at least since the 60s, I think, right, is a communal group team effort, many

times playing in unison or sometimes with different parts. But the playing together and creating something bigger than yourself has also been very helpful for me. Is that something you can relate to too? Absolutely. And for me too, working out a lot of this stuff through and being healed by performing arts has been where I found my space. People find it in other ways. You know, some people are church, some people are nature, some people are, you know. Yep. Everyone finds their

But for me, it's the performing arts. So you started off as an actor and Yeah, I would say I'm semi-retired in the theater world, but I like to do an occasional small project here and there. Okay, very good. And I guess the concert came first, and then the idea for the film came next. Yeah. You had this grand idea for this concert. And tell us about women in taiko. Sure. So for those who don't know, taiko drumming originated in Japan and for thousands of years. One use of

the drum is to communicate to the gods. And so historically, traditionally, only men were allowed to communicate to the gods. And those gender roles kind of persist and have continued for centuries. In recent years, more women are now drumming, which is fantastic. And in fact, it's flipped so that maybe 60% or more participants are actually women and non-binary people. Yeah,

that's my experience. But the power structure, the equity, the who is the face of, who is the voice of, who gets promoted and supported, who gets paid and how much and all those things still skew very heavily towards the fellas. So I was speaking with Tiffany Tamarabuchi, who is a pioneer as a solo taiko goddess. She was saying like, you know, I've been drumming for 30 years now and I thought there'd be more of me. Things have changed so much, but I

Wow. Being the lead, the soloist, the big headliners. Exactly. The headliners. That's exactly what we're talking about. And she's like, and I know of all these amazing artists and we just need to get us all together in the same room. I'm like, yeah, that's a brilliant idea. No one's going to do that though. Cause that would cost so much money. But then everything happens over lunch. I was having lunch with a performing arts center here and I was pitching a Taiko festival.

But then I said, oh, but you know, you know what my dream project would be? And I quickly co-opted Tiffany's idea, which she actually shared with Megan for many, many years, this idea of bringing the world's best together. And they responded like, oh, my God, that's so exciting. If you do that, we'll produce it. Absolutely. Wow. Yeah. And then I was like, oh, you're behind me on this. So let me call this foundation and see if they'll fund

it. And they're like, oh, this is a great idea. Yeah, we'll fund that. We'll give you some starter funds for that. Wow. And then suddenly I was producing this concert and I raised money for about two and a half years nonstop. Wow. And what we did is we had an Avenger style gathering. We had literally some of the world's best women drummers from the US, Canada, and Japan. We brought 18 of them together to

Minnesota in the dead of winter. We had a two-week residency, and then we performed a sold-out concert at one of our biggest venues, and we had six school shows. It was huge. It was huge. Wow. This is the biggest thing I could ever do in my life. Drop the mic. Boom. Yeah. But then there's always next. But while I was planning this, I had lunch with a filmmaker friend of mine that I'd known since college. And he said, Hey, I'm doing this

big project. It's a once in a lifetime thing. Can you film the concert so that we have the footage captured? And she said, You know, the more we talk about this, these ideas of being women in male dominated fields and what it's like to be a queer mom and an artist. How do you juggle all these things and all the themes and things you're talking about? I think this is a film and this is how I would film it. And so suddenly we were off and running and then I was trying to

raise funds to do a documentary film as well. And we did a Kickstarter, a crowd funder, got $75,000 raised to bring a film crew to Japan for several weeks. to follow some of the artists around so that then we could kind of have a more in-depth lead up to this big historical event. So we started filming in 2018 and then we wrapped film in 2020. We premiered in 2022 and we are still sort of screening, having screenings Yeah, it came out on Valentine's Day, I think, to the public. Yes. Yes.

It was on Amazon Prime in about five countries. And we've been in like 50 film festivals worldwide. Wow. It's been huge. Like people who have never even heard of Taiko have I'm so grateful. Well, like you were saying, it touches on feminism and LGBTQ plays a prominent role. The heritage cultural piece of it. And then the music piece of it. There's just so much people can dig in. The adoption piece of it. People can jump in at any of those angles. And it was a really well done film.

And you were mentioning there was a residency for two weeks and a literal residency Yeah, so I had everyone, I rented a mansion basically and had a lot of the folks live in, at least the Japanese speaking folks were in this one mansion and then the North American folks were in a building with four apartments and they were in all the apartments. Wow. I can't imagine all the details that you had to coordinate and all the personalities and snafus and not

to mention COVID came. What day was your concert in 2020? The 29th, leap day. February 29th. Okay. If you all remember your calendar, a few weeks later, Yeah, it's just like a barreling train. I was like, well, they produced this film, so the concert must have happened, you know, as the as I'm watching this going, OK, COVID's coming, COVID's coming. But oh, my gosh. Well, I think everyone should go watch your film, whether they're touched by adoption or interested

in taiko or just interested in a wonderful story. And your daughter's there and your wife's there. And your wife Yes. Megan is incredible. They went to Japan and lived embedded with this taiko group in a bamboo forest for you know, like seven years where they train nonstop, like Olympians. Really intense. It's impressive. It's very impressive. Well, I'm super proud of you. And I do have one question to wrap up our Asian piece. Why are you doing Japanese drumming and not Korean drumming?

That's a great question. A very good friend of mine, a Korean adoptee who runs a Korean dance and drumming group, asked me that early in my career. And I was like, That's a good question. No, the real answer is partly that I found taiko drumming And it found me and it sort of got its hooks into me early. And for personality wise too, taiko just fits me a little bit more because of its exuberance, go for it, rawness that it can bring out.

It was a much better fit for me. For example, the three drum dance in Korea, which has inspired actually a lot of Taiko, is gorgeous, stunning, hard as hell. But you have to maintain a very specific aesthetic that's very feminine and in control and look effortless. I cannot, I personally cannot look effortless at things. You're going to see me work it, no

matter what. And then I always laugh because to me, Korean drumming, like Solminori, which I love, and I've, I've taken some classes and studied, but it's so hard because it's almost, to me, it's like jazz music because the meters change so much and it's not as repetitive and it has its own groove where Taiko is a little more straightforward, 4-4. Repeat it four times. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, Taiko found me as well. Although I, well, I kind of found it, but it welcomed me

in as a white person. I was very grateful to find spaces where they would let me play. And I originally did it because I wanted to connect with my son. But once your old lady mom does it, it's no longer cool for a kid to do it. So maybe someday he'll find out that it's super fun to do. He supports me doing it, but I just love it. And I think everyone should go find a taiko group wherever they live. It's in most big

It's getting more and more popular now. So yeah, usually you can find it somewhere nearby, but Definitely the Yeah. And it really is a hybrid art form. No, it's not like, well, I suppose some groups might be super traditionally Japanese, but It's very contemporary and especially Kali that came in and was in your film is very fresh and Well, the whole idea of taiko evolving out of the shrines and out of the festivals of which they are still in in Japan, but evolving from there to the

stage is a relatively new thing. Again, like that happened just post World War II. So as a performing art, it's very much living, breathing, changing every day. You know, it's like it's new, even though its cultural roots are ancient. So you kind of get the best of both worlds, I Yeah. Oh, I think it's so, so exciting and fun. So I will definitely link your film Finding Her Beat and encourage everyone to go watch it and go find Tycho in your own

community. Support it or go take lessons or whatever. I think it's great. Is there anything else that I forgot to ask you that you Oh, I've just been really touched at people who have responded to the film and come up to talk to me afterwards. In almost every screening, there's at least one adoptee. or parent who just comes up to connect and say hello. And it's just really heartwarming. It's

been very lovely to connect with people in that way. I have such warmth and love for the adoptee community. You know, all the complexities of identity and family dynamics and just sort of for me, you're Asian, but you're not really Asian, you know, all of those things, they can be a huge struggle. But I also think it makes our perspective so interesting, and so valuable and unique. And I'm just learning now, literally now in my 50s, how to grieve. That's really new for

me. So I think My only thing for anyone in that community is just to allow yourself space to explore that because it has a lot of gifts that come with it, even if it's very heart Yeah, yeah. Well, I'm so glad you found a tool like Tycho and therapy to work through that grief. And yeah, everybody find something. Whatever, whatever you

can do to keep working it out is so hard. I know it must be so hard for adoptees, especially that were adopted before they could even think, you know, you're a baby, you don't even know what's going on. So I'm really proud of you for all of you have accomplished and I can't wait to watch whatever you do next. You're like a powerhouse. Oh, thank you. So thank you. I'm a big fan. How can people get a hold of you? Does the film have a website or? Yeah, absolutely.

So the film has a website, findingherbeat.com. My organization is Taiko, T-A-I-K-O, artsmidwest.org. And not only do we now have the film available on Amazon, Google Play, and Tubi, we also have the concert footage available. So if you want to actually go and see what the concert was after you see the film, that's Oh my gosh. I didn't know that. I'm going to go check that out this weekend. That sounds amazing. Awesome. Yeah. Because getting bits and pieces of it in

Yes, great idea. Good job. Well, everybody go check that out. And while you're on the internet, check out Unraveling Adoption at unravelingadoption.com. There's all sorts of things happening over there, coaching events, tons of stuff. Thank you all for listening. Make sure and share this episode with anyone you know who might be an Asian adoptee, who might be an adoptive parent of a transracial child. who might love Tycho or anything in between and just spread the word about these awesome

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have access to the adoption on screen database. So you know how I love my databases. So to join Patreon, you just go to patreon.com slash unraveling adoption. It's super easy and it's super easy to change later on if you need to switch it out. Thank you to all of our Patreon supporters, present and past and future. Thank you so much, And Jennifer and I want you all to stay safe.