Chasing the Buzz: A Foundling's Quest for Identity with Ryan Anderson - Ep 149

Welcome to this episode of Unraveling Adoption, an intentional space to delve into adoption's complexities together. I'm Beth Syverson. I'm an adoptive mom of a courageous and gritty 20-year-old son, Joey, who is struggling to launch as an adult. I'm walking beside him while working on my own personal growth and healing. I'm

a certified coach helping primarily adoptive parents. Joe and I are committed to helping anyone impacted by adoption And we want to help the general public understand adoption's complexities better, too. Well, today's guest is very complex. His name is Ryan Anderson. He's a foundling and a transnational, transracial, and late discovery adoptee. He was found on the street in Morocco and he was adopted by an English mom and a Moroccan dad in Scotland as

an infant after a short stint with a foster family. He didn't know he was adopted until he was 18 and he then kept it a secret from everyone else until 2020 when he was 31 years old. He has self-medicated off and on with alcohol and drugs, but he has been off of them for 10 months. Bravo, bravo. He admits he is always seeking excitement and he understands how much his adoption has affected his mental health, including bouts of suicidality.

He has explored many ways to find healing and wonders what life would have been like if he hadn't been adopted or abandoned. In today's episode, Ryan will talk about his ongoing search for his birth family in Morocco. You will be struck by his dedication to his mission, leaving no stone unturned. So welcome to Unraveling Hello. Thank you for having me. That was quite a mouthful explaining all Yeah. Yeah, yeah. You remind me of I'm probably the same age in the head. I'm still young, sometimes

a bit immature. I'm like a Peter Pan life. and they don't want to grow up, but at times sometimes you don't want to grow up and you're enjoying life and sometimes you think, what Yeah, my son is right there with you. He's right there with you. And I acknowledge that. I know adoption trauma will take several years off of a person's kind of emotional age. And so will drug use. I've heard that whenever you start using drugs, that's kind of when you stop emotionally maturing. So he started when he

was about 13. So in a lot of ways, he still acts 13, even though he looks like a grown up. So I get that and I have a lot of compassion for that and empathy because of course, of course, the major traumas that you've been through and all the ordeals that you've been through will kind of slow down your emotional growth. But we are all here for you and we appreciate all that you're going through and that you're willing to share this with us.

So moms like me and other people that have some sort of relationship with adoption or want to learn more can understand better. So thank you. One other thing that reminds me of your son when I talk to you is that I sense that you much prefer to help other people than to help yourself. Is

Yes. It's a burning desire to help others. People pleasing. Yeah. And wake up every day. Sometimes I'll get in a good mood and I just send tons of messages to people, go through my phone. check up messages, and usually pretty good at sensing when someone's down. And then when you make yourself open all the time, and then you do too much, what happens? You end up crashing. But it's a great feeling to know that can help someone. Yeah. Yeah, I just like

to be useful. So I do my best. Yeah. But then again, we've got to remember, we're all useful. And the word I always use is balance. It's just important to have that balance. Balance can help people. then obviously just try and be a good person. I'm always trying to prove to be a good person because I always say the words, I'm not perfect. The way my head works, do as much good as I can and that'll pay back any bad that you've done. Try and catch up. I'm always like a score

Yeah, sometimes I have conversations in my brain. Well, we all have that, that negative voice just telling you you're not enough. being negative, but then I enjoy that positive voice. Yeah. Telling me that I'm doing good, chasing So you're bouncing back and forth. Yeah. I feel like nothing. So I will go do a bunch of stuff to help other people. Then you feel amazing. And then something will pull you down or you'll get too much trauma from other people

thrown at you or whatever happens. And you go back and forth between these two extremes. I see that pattern in my son, too, and a lot of adult adoptees. I see a lot of people in general. you know, the people pleasing. I see that myself. Hell, I'm doing this podcast because I want to help other families because I fucked it up so much when my son was a kid. So I totally relate to you on so many levels. So God bless

Take your hat off to people who are trying to make a difference. Yes, sometimes you can beat yourself up to say, by doing a podcast, you're thinking that was, that wasn't very good, or even if it was, you just give yourself a hard time. Yes. Sometimes even just giving yourself credit for even putting one step through the door and try and even attempting. Exactly. I try and be vocal and you always worry about if people disagree. Yes. I

don't like conflict. Uh huh, right. And you can't expect people Right, they're all coming from different perspectives. Yeah, I get that too. I hate that discomfort of people. Oh, what if I said something wrong? What if they don't like me? Oh, no. Oh, well, giving I'm fine. I'm used to people not liking me. And then Or the other way, I get them to like me or I end up being annoying. And then they don't like me again. And then they like me. So it's back and forth. But

Oh, you're very likable. I do try. You're very vibrant. Thank you. Yeah. You're like a bright color, you know? out there. It's very good. It's very good. Well, I enjoy you very much. Well, let's see. I can only imagine what it must have been like to find out you were adopted at the age of 18. Oh my goodness. That must have been rough. And I know that your dad was Moroccan, so you looked like him. People must have looked at your family and go, well, he took after his dad. But did you

feel like there was something off? Like when you found out at 18, did you go, oh,

Through life, I felt like there was something off, but I wasn't mature enough to deal with it. If you can imagine, I was found in the street in Morocco, and obviously I would have been up crying for my mum or crying for any family. And I believe when they do some research into that, that can do something to the Yeah, that's kind of obviously growing up feeling a bit different. When I found out at 18, I just kind of... put

it to the back of my mind. Maybe I wasn't mature enough to deal with it. And that's when I was involved in alcohol and drugs. But if I'm honest, I had a great time. And it was fun. As I say, I was young, just going clubbing, going on holidays. It was only when it got older for me that I started to... If I ever upset someone for being silly on the alcohol and And as you get older, people grow up. And when I don't grow up, It's finding out at 18. The biggest part of the story is

that keeping it a secret. I made it that much a big deal to keep it a secret. I was that ashamed. I wouldn't talk. It would be a taboo subject to talk about with the family. I kept myself distant from them. My friends were my family, but they didn't know. you start to feel a fraud because my coping mechanism was going out partying. So partying looks fun. So then when everyone thinks you're got a great life, that was really

just masking that secret. And then I was ready to take that to the grave with me. I could even open up and counseling session wasn't until I walked to myself. I can tell a stranger in the street my Yeah. Okay. I don't know if you can remember at 18, like it had been a secret. And instead of saying, oh, phew, now I know this big answer. Now I can talk about it. You said,

oh, this secret must remain a secret. Yeah. So I suppose you I've got a very supportive adopted mum and I would be a bit of a brat and just be always chuck this back at her face, look what you've done, look what you've done. She's done it out of love Yeah, some adoptees I've told out of spite, they find out from a random DNA test. Oh, right. I had a very supportive adoptive mum. Okay. But yeah, finding that out, it just, my coping mechanism was to put it to the

I wasn't even substances. Substances were fun though. I was taking drugs before I found out anyway. It wasn't as if I turned to them. Oh, okay. But they do enhance any of the feelings you Yeah. I always use the word balance. Yeah. And I certainly was tipping the scales with my balance. I was going Sure. I'm glad you survived all that. I'm sure there was some really dangerous shit you did. Don't even tell me. Oh, good Lord. Okay. So what happened in

2020? Did it have anything to do with COVID and everything shutting down? Yeah.

My coping mechanism was traveling. Travel the world. It's fun. It can be, unless you have a disaster, which can happen as well. So then when COVID happened, you didn't travel. And when I was partying, I would always have this conversation saying, well, I'm going to stop for a while. I never would. There's always a party to go to. I actually know a lot of people in lockdown who

partied in lockdown. I don't know if that was good for their mental health or they enjoyed it Both ruin a lot of people and cause a lot of stress. But I used that opportunity to be sober. And there was only a number of people who'd done that. I thought it would only last a month or two. And It wasn't planned. I only started 50 days, 100 days, and that ended up leading to doing over a year. Part of that year, I worked on some self-development stuff. And that's where I

opened up to the doctor about my adoption. Okay. I've got a therapist. I remember I had a therapist a year before and I just walked out. Timing is important. I was ready then. So having a chat with a doctor, having a chat with a therapist, meeting other adoptees, all this in the space of six months of the year, I would join in Facebook groups, but I wouldn't speak in

them. Then I would be able to speak. I was slowly building my character up, slowly building confidence and speaking to other adoptees, hearing their stories, telling mine, and Yeah. So connecting with the adoption community, because before then you didn't want to talk about adoption at all. Like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I don't want to think about it. So because of COVID, you were stuck in your apartment and you found other groups, started hearing other

adoptee stories and going, Oh, maybe this is something. And you It's quite a lonely life because I live alone. And because I didn't tell anyone about my adoption, it means that I never let many people close to me. So as you can imagine, it can be a lonely place in your head. And I felt like 12 years of that wasn't good for me. Maybe others can relate. That's why I don't really feel that I'm good at anything. I try and make people laugh and have fun and smile. My superpower is

That is a superpower. And as part of all of this self-discovery, you

This was the first time, right? Not everyone, but most adoptees, most people in the world, you want to know where you came from. Yeah. And the chances of finding that is you need to find them as soon as possible because life can get in the way. My family could be dead. You kind of need to find them as soon as possible. But I wasn't ready when I found out. And life can make you think, I want to know what my family looked like. Some people want to look for their mum, their

Sure, just anybody that has your DNA. Anyone. And Yeah, I've done six of the websites. My highest match is a third cousin. So to explain the DNA, it costs a lot of money to do these DNA sites. I'm only going to be able to find someone if they want to be found and if they purchase the DNA kit. So Oh, okay. I know very little about Morocco. Is it Poor-ish. It's getting better, but I don't think people can afford

that type of money. If my first family started a new family, they just want to welcome me with opening arms, which might disrupt new family? Yeah, we don't know. Yeah. This is all speculation. Yeah. On a positive, I could be a prince over there. Yeah, that'd be cool. I could say I knew you went. Now, So I went over in September 2022 with my adopted brother. We went to the hospital and we went to the courts. So when you go to Morocco, you turn up and

they send you different places. Nothing's done quickly either. There's a lot of waiting about. So I had to go to five different places waiting in a queue for an hour. I don't speak the language. And do they speak English there? Some of them, but Arabic's the main language, so I need to phone someone on WhatsApp to translate for me. It was nice to see my name in a book that said 1990. But remember, I was born with no name, so the name given to me Being adopted was an extra way of not fitting in.

Okay. Got it. Got it. Got it. Okay. So you changed your name, so And OK, so you found your name, Rashid, on the Moroccan... Yeah, I seen my name in the book, and that was quite a nice feeling to say, wow, I existed somewhere. You exist. But then what happens? No, no information. Sometimes in Morocco, the information would be hidden. Oh, hidden. So sometimes you need to go through a lawyer

to see if they can find any more information. OK. Another tactic I've done is just rock up to the TV studios and go, hi, I'm Ryan from Scotland. OK. What do they say? Yes. Yeah? Have you been on some Moroccan TV? Yes. Yeah? The Moroccans all get excited and go, yeah, we'll find your mum, we'll find your mum. Some people message saying, I found your mum. Yeah. Oh, no, it's not her. Oh, shoot. Oh, shoot. And you know people who do find their parents? Some

people, it takes people years. Yeah. So this is reality of what adoptees Some reunions are done great, some not so great. Some people can just get dropped. Some people have their door slammed in the face. It's It also has its negatives. It's got its negatives where someone Yeah. They said they wanted a few thousand dollars when This is why by me being vocal on Facebook and social media, Okay. And a few of them are like, I'll help you if you pay me a bunch of money. Have you gotten extorted or?

I'm quite, well I'm not clever on money, but. I'm maybe lucky that it's not happened. So that was the first time going on TV studios and going to the hospital. Second time I went to the hospital, I found out that there was six births on that day. But that's just me just refusing to leave the hospital and saying I need answers. And sometimes you need to bribe them in Morocco. Oh, you have to bribe them. Even if there was six women that got birthed on my birthday, I don't know

if I was born in a hospital. I think two of the women, it was her first birthday, so it might not mean anything. That's another route to find out Yeah, cross those off the list. So you're just kind of like shooting darts. Is But there was, like, one main hospital that you went to and just tried that? The hospital's closed down, so they've got a new one. So that's another difficulty. But they've still got the old records. But I did meet the doctor who gave me

my JAGS. I've got a rare illness called It's just our immune system. It's uncurable. It's rare. Is it a blood test kind of situation you can find out? How did you figure out It's just got loads of symptoms that match. Oh, really? It can affect your eyesight and the immune system. Oh, wow. OK. But yeah, so if anyone in the city has the same illness as me, I'm going to bet that you're related a little bit So it was nice to see the doctor who looked after me. And

he remembered me from 34 years ago. Really? I also met my foster mum who remembered me from 34 years ago. And when she seen me, she was crying as she was holding me. So I tracked all these people down. Wow. So when I'm going to Morocco, I'm meeting all these people, telling them my story. They're all getting amazed. And

they're like, I hope you find your family. But if I don't find them, they're like I'm still living in fantasyland thinking I might find But at the same time, I'm torn between what should I be doing in life? Should I be settling down, having my own family? Should I be working, just living a normal nine to five, normal life? Should I be with the adopted family that I've already got? They're nice. Yeah.

Should I be with all my friends? I've got lots of friends, but You seem to be drawn like a magnet, needing to Some people need to find, some people don't. Some people are not interested. Some people have said comments like, Ryan, you're so brave. Keep doing what you're doing. Other people have said, Ryan, stop wasting your life. Don't search. The negative comments can really get me down because I feel like just

Oh yeah, I bet those negative comments like, what are you doing? That's very hurtful because I'm going to guess whoever's telling you just don't worry about it doesn't have any questions about their biology. I bet they know who their parents are and they just can't understand why It's said out of my best interest, it just feels like it's kicking me when I'm down. And then part of me thinks maybe they are right. My mind changes. Sometimes

I feel like I'm doing the right thing. Sometimes I feel like I'm doing the wrong thing. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm at a critical age, I'm in my thirties. I As long as I'm doing something positive, at least I'm doing something, whether it's podcasts, helping others, searching for family. I'm just trusting my gut and just going down this It's moving you forward. Yeah. I don't see anything wrong with that at all. I do plan to, yeah. Try again? The way for me adoption works

is it's important to have that balance. You have to live life and also search for family or do adoption stuff. So if you sometimes it can be a bit drained or it's adoption stuff too much. Yeah. Some days I breathe adoption. Yeah. It's on my mind all the time. And other times I want to go out and hang out with friends. I want to go out and go to events. I want to go out and enjoy life and travel. So And not think about it. Yeah, for sure. Very good. Did you

So the second time I went to Morocco, I went on my own. And obviously the rules are, don't eat off anyone, don't take drinks off anyone, don't trust anyone. And I'm going over, just going, ah. Walking into strangers' houses, eating their food. I met a guy from Facebook, and he was my taxi driver. He's like, yeah, stay with me tonight. I was like, yeah, no problem. He took me to meet my foster mom, took me home. But he was smoking the hashish. a

popular drug in Morocco. I noticed his temperament change and he started swearing. And he was like, let's go for coffee. And this is 12 at night and I'm exhausted. Went to his friend's coffee shop. And then it started raining. And then I had some coffee and I felt myself getting a bit dizzy. Oh, like they drugged you? Before that, he was like, my friend, he fancies you. He thinks you're good looking. And I was like, OK. And I was like, can you just take me

home? And I was like, I'm just going to go and get a hotel tonight. Yeah, I'll take you to the hotel." And he didn't take me to the guy's house. And then turned the engine off after me telling him multiple times, take me home. So I just jumped out the car. I had my passport on me, all my money, my bag. I just pretended I was on the phone to someone. And he got I got back to the hotel and they were like, what are you doing? You're going to be raped or killed. Your

passport's like gold to them. Yikes. That was like my last day and I was coming home that day and I've not been to that city since. Wow. I need someone over there and not get myself in Because I have been to Morocco to a different city for my birthday, but that was just a holiday. Oh, OK. And it was good fun. So do Yeah, please be careful. And I hope you find a couple What can I do, really? I've done DNA tests. I've

posted my video on social media. I'll walk around the street I've got a Moroccan story that's three minutes long, telling my story. If you can picture a Moroccan citizen, a guy just came up to them, put a phone in their face and says, listen. And they're all taken aback by my story because they've not heard of it. I'm an international adult. They think Britain, I'm a rich man to them. And I'm lucky. Loads of They're like, what are you doing trying to come back here? We all want

I'm getting phone calls from people who say, we'll try to help you. I guess Can you imagine a point where you will stop? Or will you That's a question that pops into my head. I might search to the day I die. I might give up and say I tried my best. I might always visit Morocco and keep in contact all the people who have helped me on the way. I'm looking for the happily ever after scenario. Ideally I would like to be a king and have a palace over there and be

Or even just tell my story. And even if I don't find them, I try and accept it. Yeah. There's nothing I

Yeah. Because it sounds to me like you've done everything you can do and you're going to continue to do whatever you can do. And then I don't know what else you can do at The way I word it is, make a noise. All I can do is make noise. So telling everyone, being vocal on social media, go back to the TV studios and go, hi, me again. You took my story. Just not going away. Maybe that one person who speak Arabic to take an interest in

my story. Someone who knows someone who knows someone. Yeah, you never Because that's how I found the doctor. by being relentless. Walk onto the street and go, hi, do you know where the doctor is? Do you know where this guy is? Some people just tell me, go away. And then a young boy went, I know where the doctor is. He says, you buy clothes off me, I will show you the address. I went, no problem. Even after I did get kidnapped, attempted, I did jump

on a random boy's moped to the airport. I bought some trainers off him and then gave him 20 bucks to Oh, my gosh. All right. Well, please be careful. We want you to survive all this. But I can sense the deep desire to know who you are. And you're just constantly telling the world, I exist. I'm here. Does anyone see me? I am here. And I'm hoping with you that your family will show up and that they will be open to you and that you will get your happy ending. I

really hope that for you. And I appreciate you sharing your story here. Yes, it might not be. Even the reunion isn't an ending. Right. It's a start of something else. Yes. There's others who are in similar situations with me. Yeah. There's some people who could be watching this and say, I've had a reunion and All I'm doing, I'm just enjoying the journey. What happens when the journey is over? Then what? So I'm just chasing the

Well, it's not over till you're dead, right? Because even if you are in reunion, it might unravel or get better. I mean, I've seen it both ways. It starts off bad, and it can get better. Or if it starts off good, and it can get worse. And it is just a journey. We're all just trying our best. How many Moroccan adoptees are there? Have you run into any others? I've met a few, but not many similar to mine. Some who say they're not interested in searching, they're

happy, they're grateful. Some have started their own family. That's with some other adoptees. Some other adoptees who have got their own family, then that's a sense of responsibility. And I would like to start my own family, but I'd also like to get my head sorted. I can't get my head sorted until I find my family. I can't find my family, so that means I'll never have my own family. I do know that over my self-development years, since

Covid, I've came a long way. And some people say that I have some wise words, so I'm doing my best I do do a lot of silly stuff. I'm still learning, I'm Well, nobody's perfect and I enjoy your energy and I just wish you all the best. And if people, maybe somebody has information that they can help you with, or maybe they know Arabic, or if they want to help you, what would be the best way for them

Just social media, Facebook, Instagram. My way of looking for help is if you know anyone who's Moroccan, show them my story and see if they know someone who knows someone who knows someone. Sure. and just get my story started little, telling everyone. If I meet anyone who's Moroccan, I feel like an attachment with them, I send them a story, they get the wow factor, and they

say, you're my family, I'll try and help you as much as I can. And that's by me just being brave, just telling, hello, where are you from? Morocco, perfect, here's my story. Hello, do you know anyone who stays in El Jedida? No? No worries, let And then if any ideas come up, then ask someone to get in touch. But yeah, I just do this to try and be an inspiration. Because whether it's searching for family or anything, I'm aware of the reality that I might not

find anyone. I'm just doing my best. Because some guy came up to me and says, I can't imagine what it'd be like to not know the whole world, someone who is blood related to you. But then all the people I've met on the DNA sites, they're like third cousins. They've treated me like family. So I'm very, very grateful. And the people over there. And then I've got my adoptive family. Then I've got all my friends. Obviously, some days that's enough. Some

days it's not. Obviously, if you can think of like Christmases, birthdays. It's all about the mindset sometimes. Sometimes you just want to hide away and you feel sad. Sometimes I'm just like, I love using the birthday card to say, it's my birthday, who's buying me something? I I've got a nickname called Pesci, Pesci37 on Instagram and It's P-E-S-H-Y, right? That's it, yeah. Okay, I will link all those in the notes. Is there anything else that you

So I'm on two stages of being off the alcohol and drugs. On my first stage, I was on for a year, which wasn't planned, and I created that YouTube video, which went quite viral. It's a and also write a 20-page story. I always use the word balance. My target's a year, so 10 minutes off the alcohol and drugs. I'm just doing this to keep my mind in a stable condition. I do get a lot of down days, even off the alcohol and drugs, but I know being on them will be much worse. I do miss it,

but I know it's for the better at the moment. I'm not saying I'll never be off it. I try and speak about mental health and then I'm a drunken mess the next day. I was getting very confused in myself about that. So I do always promote the word balance. I'm just going to give myself the best fighting chance. As a quote I tell myself, which is about living life, you want to try and live life for yourself. You

just want to live life for those that are around you. And you also want to live life for those that are no longer here in memory of So hopefully anyone can find any strength from Yeah, you sure do. Well, congratulations on the 10 months. I know how hard fought those months are and days and moments. And I wish you all the best and please keep in touch. I Do not hop on people's mopeds. Do not do that. Stay tuned. I can't promise that. Stay tuned.

I'm always doing a video so you can watch my socials while Oh my gosh. Okay. Well, stay safe, Ryan. We really appreciate you sharing your story today. And listeners, please go ahead and share this story. Help. Maybe you know someone from Morocco. Please share this and help Ryan find his family. And I think Ryan's story is so useful to any of us who were not adopted. It gives us some indication of the depth of yearning for that connection. Ryan's willing to go

to just about any length to go find his family. So that's an intense yearning. Very good. If any of you would like to connect with me or find out more about Unraveling Adoption, go to unravelingadoption.com. You'll find information there about my coaching, about our upcoming events, about all of our podcast episodes, and also at unravelingadoption.com slash calendar, you'll find our community calendar. It includes support groups and courses and webinars and conferences from around

the world. Most of them are online. Some are in person and they're by reputable organizations that I trust. And there's something for everybody. So go check out, get the support and education and inspiration that you need. Unravelingadoption.com slash calendar. Thank you all for listening. Ryan and