Hello, and welcome back to another episode of Unlearn with Bianca. On this podcast, we explore everything around self healing, health, personal growth, the mind body connection, relationships, and more. In these episodes, I'm here to empower you, to educate you, and to challenge you so that you can deepen the connection that you have with yourself. What's up, friends? Welcome back.
Thank you for taking the time to listen to yet another episode, taking time out of a busy time of the year to tune in with me. Today, we are going to be talking about self sabotage. We're going to be talking about preconceived notions around self sabotage, what we think it is versus what actually is. But before we begin, I just want to say that I think it's about time for another Q& A session. Another Q& A episode, I did one early on in the podcast, but I haven't done one for a while.
So I would love it if you send me your questions and I will do my best to answer them on one of the upcoming episodes. Now I'm not going to place limitations on these questions. You can keep them health related. you can ask me questions. You can make it mindset, relationships or whatever. I will leave it up to you. If you want to send me questions, DM me on Instagram or email me at biancaatneurospark. co. nz. So let's get back into today's episode on self sabotage.
Now, this episode topic actually came to me after recently reading, or actually listening to a really good audiobook by Brianna Wiest called The Mountain Is You. If you are into personal development, if you want a really easy listen, I mean, I listen, you could also read it. I highly recommend getting your hands on this.
And if you didn't know, if anyone listening who doesn't know this, I'm sure I was kind of late to the party learning about this, but if you have Spotify premium, you can actually download audio books for free. So that is a life hack. So self sabotage. That is a term that I know we can all relate to, one way or another. On the surface, at a glance, most people think self sabotaging habits is simply a lack of willpower or discipline or laziness. It's self destruction.
And when we are experiencing it, it's often frustrating. It feels like irrational behavior when we know we consciously want something, but there's just this other part, this other habit. Getting in the way. We are essentially blocking our blessings. We are blocking success. It feels like it's coming from within, so it's a frustrating experience. Essentially, self sabotage is when somebody intentionally makes choices that go against their best interest.
So let's go through some examples of really common self sabotaging behavior. Okay, it's Monday morning. I feel like some people are already gonna know what I'm gonna say here. It's Monday morning, you This is the week. This is the week that you start your new diet, your new healthy eating buzz, you're starting your exercise plan, you're committed, it's Monday, it's new, it's a fresh start.
And let's say by Tuesday afternoon you find yourself hanging out in the pantry having a little bit of a nibble from the leftover brownie after the weekend. That is self sabotaging. And I've been here before because I've got a sweet tooth. Even though you know that consciously. That healthy eating is good for you. That you want to feel fit. You know how good it feels to be nourishing your body. The self sabotaging part gets in the way of you staying consistent. Another example is relationships.
Let's say you, um, you really are excited about being in this new relationship. That you've wanted for a really long time. But you start to find yourself Starting up small arguments or nitpicking or perhaps shutting down when a difficult conversation comes up. You know you want this relationship to work. You know that you consciously like this person, but you just seem to be getting in your own way of it going smoothly. An example also might be applying for a new job.
There is a job that you want. You have applied for it. You've gone through the process. You're at the final interview. And then you just say something that you like really question. Why did I say that? Why? Why did I say that thing? Why was I like that? Or you start doubting yourself at the final stage and start telling yourself all the reasons why everybody else would be better at the job or more deserving at the job than you would be.
You want the job, but then again, you seem to get in your own way. Another example, you have this amazing idea for a new side hustle, a new business. For a creative pursuit that might give you some extra money. This idea has been sitting with you for ages and you know you need to get stuck in, but you consistently find yourself scrolling, spending hours watching reels. You want the success, you want the money, you want the freedom and the creativity.
But the procrastination is getting in the way. And one more. Let's imagine you've been having some health problems. You have needed to take time off work. You haven't been able to engage in the things that would usually bring you joy. And you've been really stuck. You know that getting your health back is possible. But you're just struggling to keep the momentum. Struggling to make changes to get there.
This is a Another form of wanting something consciously, but having blocks sabotaging blocks that are coming up that are blocking us from getting another result. And I know we've all been here before and it's that feeling of like, what am I doing? Why do I keep diverting off the path? I know so strongly that I want this thing. Why do I keep doing things that are completely opposite? So that is very normal. And like I said, most people think of self sabotage as a negative thing.
A lack of willpower, a lack of discipline, laziness, self destruction. But, on today's episode, I'm going to change it up a bit for you. I'm going to offer you another way to look at self sabotage. Because if there is one thing I have come to learn, Everything we do, every habit, every behavior, and I really want you to sit on what I'm about to say and think about it. In everything we do, there is always a positive intention behind why we do it.
Whether that be conscious, meaning that we are aware, but more than likely, Unconscious, meaning it is beyond our awareness, and this is where we operate 90 percent of the time. This positive intention of why we do things is often because we are unconsciously trying to meet a need. And that could be a need for connection, a need for safety, a need to be validated, or it's helping us avoid some kind of pain. So we spend so much time.
Time and energy getting frustrated at ourselves when we feel like we're in resistance with ourself when these self sabotaging behaviors come up. But I'm going to switch it up and Change this perspective so that we can get into a little bit more compassion and change the relationship that we actually have with self sabotage. Because I'm telling you now, self sabotage itself is not the enemy. It is a symptom.
A lot of these insights and understandings have really come to me through this thing called parts work, so it's this notion, it's this idea that we all have parts, conscious parts, we want to head in one direction and we know that we're heading in that way but then there's these unconscious parts that seem to get us stuck, that seem to be resisting, that seem to hold us back. And when these two parts are at play, it feels like it's taking a lot of energy.
It feels like we are, it's like getting a trolley, right? And you know, when you go to the supermarket, you get a trolley, you get a trolley with three wheels that are working good. And then that one wheel that's going off on the side and it's like hard to push the trolley forward. And that's what I think of when I, when I think about parts work and in this case. Self sabotaging parts.
So if we can remember that everything we do in life has a positive intention Somewhere, somehow, even if it's in a weird way, and we think about these parts that are getting in the way Where are these parts from? Where do these self sabotaging parts come from?
Without going into it in too much detail, these parts are often created at a younger age when we had a gap in knowledge when we were trying to understand the world, we didn't have the critical thinking, we didn't have the reasoning, that's where we start to form beliefs. And that's where these beliefs then drive our behaviors. So These self sabotaging, parts are usually based on outdated patterns from childhood or past experiences.
For example, if you learned as a child that standing out and saying whatever was on your mind lead to criticism, you might subconsciously. Avoid success when you grow up because there's that part that knows that success Self sabotage has in the past equalled criticism. Self sabotage isn't about weakness or lack of motivation. It's a conflict between your conscious desires or goals and subconscious programming. And like I said, often that's from earlier experiences or previous years.
And the other thing I want you to remember is that your subconscious believes that staying where you are Is safer than moving forward because remember naturally we are primed for safety. So self sabotage in that instance is a survival strategy. It comes out when there's like a conflict between your goals versus. So if we can see it like that, if we can see that it's a safety thing. It's getting needs met. It's avoiding pain.
And it's to do with some of the programming from younger years and beliefs that come in. We can start to have some compassion. That this isn't intentional. It's that autopilot brain doing what it does best until we start to have some awareness. So let's look back at some of those examples I gave earlier.
And I'll explain a little bit more about what the positive intention of Self sabotaging behavior might be what our subconscious mind might be trying to protect us from where it's trying to gain safety So it's day one. It's Monday. It's the fresh start. You're on your healthy eating buzz and On Tuesday you find yourself Snacking on some brownie.
Okay, we don't have to read into this too deeply like not everything's super deep Genuinely, you might've just been sidetracked by the brownie, but I'm talking about when you're really committed to your healthy eating plan and you just continually find yourself self sabotaging. So it could be that by grabbing the brownie and self soothing, your unconscious is trying to protect you from feeling some kind of discomfort. It could be uncomfortable emotions. It could be a sense of boredom.
It could also be that. Our subconscious as a way of protection, uh, puts on weight as a way not to be seen. That's another way. So there's a lot of different things that come out in self sabotaging behaviors where the unconscious is trying to meet certain needs or avoid pain.
In the relationship example where you really know you want this relationship to work but you keep starting arguments or nitpicking, it could be that somewhere along the way your subconscious has learnt the pain of abandonment and therefore these behaviours are trying to protect you from getting too attached. Although it's not consciously working for you and you're getting, might be getting frustrated for, for these behaviours coming out, subconsciously. It is trying to protect you.
With the job example, consciously you want the job, but you seem to have fumbled the interview at the last minute or started getting doubts. Perhaps there is a subconscious part that knows that this job is not aligned with your authentic essence. And therefore is trying to stop you from doing a job that is out of alignment. Starting that new venture and knowing that there's money to be made and there's opportunities to be had and freedom, but you keep finding yourself procrastinating.
Although you consciously want success and you consciously want those things, subconsciously there may be a fear around responsibility or being visible in the public. Or it might bring up that fear of failure. It might even be that belief that the unconscious belief of if I am successful, people will want things from me. So that is another one that can keep us really stuck. Finally, the last example I gave of being stuck with these ongoing health issues.
Sometimes our symptoms can unconsciously be meeting. A need in really strange ways, perhaps the job you hated before you got health issues, you know that if you become well, you're going to have to go back to that job and you don't want that. So, uh, it might be meeting a need in that way. Often something comes up with clients is that when they get their health back, relationship dynamics are going to change. So sometimes that is, there's a big fear around that as well.
So I'm not saying that this is the driving force for illness. I'm just saying that sometimes there are ways that our symptoms are meeting a particular need or avoiding us from experiencing pain. Ultimately, self sabotage is the mechanism that the mind uses to avoid fear. Whether it is fear of success, it could be fear of failure, of rejection or change. The brain often associates new experiences with discomfort. So you might be thinking, okay, Bianca, that makes sense, but what do I do?
I keep, I keep self sabotaging. Where do I start? So the first thing I would say is Just being open to shifting from that identity of I am this way, and this is just how I am, or I always self sabotage, you know, those big generalizing statements, the I am statements, and just shifting it and opening it up to have more possibility.
For example, moving from I always procrastinate, um, it's just the way I am, I don't like failing, and opening that up to I'm learning to take action even when I feel discomfort and that is building my resilience and my confidence. What can happen when we start to continually self sabotage on something in particular? Let's say like it's the healthy eating thing and we Keep self sabotaging.
Then we start to build those really strong beliefs and we lose that self trust that we can actually make change. So the start of it is really just opening up this language and stop generalizing. Stop making these identity statements of I can never stick to a diet. My relationships So these are statements that just leave no room for choice. They, they leave no room for agency. And I think this is the start.
It's just getting curious of like, where am I, where am I blocking the potential for change in my language? And curiosity. Is a lot more open and powerful than judging ourselves. I think we'd start there. The next thing I would say is starting to use the power of awareness. Because, like I said, self sabotage is really a symptom. And I am not saying, like, do a huge investigation into every single habit and behavior.
Because sometimes I think intellectualizing everything can get us even more stuck. And that is a problem. A self sabotaging pattern in itself. Um, but what I would say is just like start to notice the same patterns that come up. And again, just get curious, get curious as to exploring the underlying reasons for these behaviors, because when we can start to have that awareness, it means that when we are.
In the midst of a situation and where we feel like we're sabotaging, we can actually communicate our feelings. Let's say it's, you know, a relationship and we can practice some vulnerability and say, I'm feeling like this, this is my pattern. Um, or we can take steps to set things up for ourselves, knowing that Will be more successful. For example, removing the brownie from the kitchen, you know, taking that extra step. So actually having awareness of where do I generally sabotage myself?
That is a start. One thing that gives me clarity is writing. So sometimes I will list my desires or my goals. And then I'll write down the behaviors or the patterns that are blocking me from achieving these goals. Because I think one thing is we have to be honest. We have to be honest with ourselves. The first step is always getting out of denial and actually saying, yep, I said I'd do this. This is what I'm doing instead.
Why, and yeah, again, asking, why may I be doing this and what can I choose to do differently? Take it a step further, you can even reflect on the emotion that seems to be driving the self sabotaging behavior. It could be fear, fear of showing up fully. It could be shame. It could be this feeling of unworthiness. And again, that will just help give you some context as to where you can start. It's also really beneficial to ask questions like, What beliefs do I hold about success?
If I become successful, if I meet my goals, what does that mean? Um, what do I believe about failure? What do I believe about happiness? It's similar when we explore beliefs about money.
If you are told growing up that you have to work really, really, really hard for money, or that a certain type of person is one that has a lot of money, like Greedy, not a good person, then it's going to be really hard for you to make a lot of money without self sabotaging, without unpacking those beliefs and reshaping beliefs that feel more aligned with you, not aligned with.
What has been passed down and I think something that goes beyond just awareness is starting to acknowledge our emotions and process any emotions that we've pushed down from the past. Working through any emotions and unresolved conflicts. Maybe you haven't experienced. forward through things like therapy or meditation or somatic work or parts work or NLP work that I do.
There's so many different ways of doing this, but I think it just requires so much energy to hold on to emotions from the past and the more we can work through them with someone we trust, uh, the more space we have in our nervous system to embrace. Change as well. When I do parts work with my clients, often I'm getting them into a visualization where we can connect with their subconscious and they are bringing up a part of them, which is often a younger part.
They are communicating with this part. They're asking this part certain questions. They're giving this part reassurance. It's almost like in a child work. It's really connecting to that younger part that feels scared. Feels like it's trying to protect you. And I think if we can take that concept and even do that day to day and have those types of dialogues with ourselves, it can be really reassuring when we're moving through self sabotage.
So let's say it's procrastination and I've come to this realization that procrastination is there because it's trying to protect me from being seen fully, or it's trying to protect me from being judged. I would. Talk to that part of myself and remind that part that it's safe to take it one step at a time, it is safe to take steps forward, that you deserve to be seen, the people that will be there will be there, like all of these reassuring things.
Uh, so pausing, noticing, offering some compassion rather than getting straight into frustration and then that cycle of guilt and shame because Like I said, there's always a positive intention. It sometimes just takes a little bit to, to connect to what that actually is. And I think the last thing I want to remind you guys is that everybody at some point has self sabotaging behaviors that get in the way. I just encourage you to Not throw yourself in the deep end.
We always want to make change at a pace that suits our nervous system. Take things one step at a time. Build that capacity so that we can build that self trust. Meaning, don't make huge promises. Don't over commit. Just do things one step at a time. Moving through self sabotage does require us to get real with ourselves. It requires some grit, it requires us to really focus on what we truly desire and committing to that, and also thinking about why we desire that.
But I think at the end of the day, remember that, you know, we're all human, we all have these things pop up. If you can meet self sabotage with compassion and curiosity, rather than frustration, it's going to be a whole lot easier to move through. Yeah, you have that awareness that there's always a positive intention. It's also going to make it easier to move through as well. One step at a time. Okay, guys, that is me for today. Please remember to send through your questions.
Thank you for being here. Thank you for listening. Please take time to rate this podcast. If you have a minute, send it to friends and family that you think will benefit. Have an amazing week wherever you are and I look forward to seeing you guys on the next episode.