Selena

Hey, just a warning before we start. This episode deals with sexual assault. If that's not something for you today, that's okay. Please join us for a possible bonus episode or maybe another season. My husband always tells me you're like he's he's always like, Oh, you're why do you like the US more than Mexico? Mexico is so beautiful and Not everyone is able to gracefully float in the space in between two worlds. Sometimes the gravitational I'm no stranger to identity issues.

They've been with me as soon as the first person looked at me confused and asked, What are you? And on the outside, it probably looks pretty chill. It's something that I had to work on. I'm okay with that. Particularly cringe memories I have of the process of figuring out who I was that I really hope no one else remembers but me.

But as benign as identity issues sound, they can really mess you up and lead to more problems if you don't have support. And managing how other people view you is kind of the main problem. Because people's words of you aren't enough or you can't be this because I said so or you aren't allowed to fully be yourself really stay with you and sting. And maybe you'll do things solely for the purpose of trying to quiet those voices.

And those things might not be the best thing for you. So today we talked to someone who not only had a hard time with her identity issues, But also had a lot on her plate when it came to managing how the people around her reacted to them. But ultimately, it is a story of finding yourself and finding your way back home. I'm Alexandra Rivera and this is United States. My first memories are like sleeping on the floor with like a whole bunch of people around us. This is Selena.

That's not her real name. I think as a joke she told me to call her Selena in this, but I'm going with it. And I was born in Puebla. Puebla is a state in Mexico that is south of Mexico City. Its capital city, also called Puebla, is Mexico's fourth largest metropolitan area, and due to its collection of historical buildings in the old town, is a UNESCO World Heritage Site. The state of Puebla definitely isn't the most impoverished place to be from Mexico, but it also isn't the richest by far.

economic disparities in Mexico can be wide. So a place like Puebla, which has industry and some opportunities, those opportunities might pay less than half as much as ones in Mexico City or Monterrey. I just remember like on Sundays how we used to hang out at my grandparents' house. Like all the cousins, my aunts, my uncles, and it was really nice. It was like your typical

Sunday lunch with your whole Mexican family. Yeah, so I just remember that. But I don't really remember anything else. Yeah. And crossing the border, that's it. Once Lena was three, her parents decided to go to the U.S. So they packed their bags, grabbed her and her two older sisters, and with no legal way to enter the US, enlisted the help of a coyote to smuggle them across the border.

I just have like very uh like few memories. I remember the the coyote like helping my mom out with me and like he would like carry me. But I do remember I had some sneakers that my parents had bought me and I was really happy with those sneakers because they would light up like when you would walk. I don't know why. I don't know if my mom didn't think about it or what but I wore those sneakers when we crossed the border and And we were hiding.

And they're like, whose sneakers are those? Whose sneakers are those? Then I have another memory where we're like crossing the highway and then all I hear is a coyote say, oh we're here already. There's a lot of pockets of overt Mexicann-ness in the U.S.

There's the Pilsen neighborhood in Chicago, there's East LA, there's the west side of San Antonio, places where you can see the Virgin of Guadalupe painted on the walls of buildings, and could catch the smell of pandulce wafting out of the pandarias. But Selena moved to New York. Here's the interesting thing about New York. But there's no like strongly branded

cultural hub of a neighborhood. Which is kind of weird because they are the fourth largest immigrant group to a city known for its immigrant-themed neighborhoods. The Dominicans have Washington Heights. There are three Chinatowns. But there's no little Mexico. I grew up in Queens, Astoria Queens. Now that I think I'm Selena, her mother and father, and two older sisters settled down in Astoria, which is actually a very culturally specific neighborhood.

There were a lot of I think it was Because my power have a better life. the way they brought us up, uh going to like private schools. Astoria has historically been a more middle class neighborhood than a lot of the other areas that were affordable to newcomers. But then again I didn't have a lot of Mexican friends. and the people like go I would go to school with, they

there were they weren't Mexicans, so it was difficult to find my identity. And when she did find Mexicans, who largely lived in Brooklyn, probably in neighborhoods like Bushwick or Sunset Park, She still didn't feel like she fit in. So when we m would meet like Mexican people, I guess. People always telling us that we were not Mexican enough for them.

they would always tell us like, you know, about them going out dancing and stuff and las cumbias and this and that. And then also they would tell us, oh, but you're not Mexican, look at the way you speak. So we're like, how do we speak? it was kinda hard because I didn't really have I guess uh circle of friends I could rely on. So and then when I would go like with my friends from school they didn't really like the same I liked with my Mexican friends, so I was kind of lost with my identity.

to be part of like the Mexican people. Yeah, I think that was the most difficult part because if I went to like my Mexican friends, it would be like, oh you don't why do you talk? So it might sound insignificant, but this really stuck with Selena. It got in her head. It messed with her sense of self. People were telling her that she wasn't Mexican if she didn't dance cumbia. So she started sneaking out to clubs underaged. We were already going to clubs unfortunately.

Going to a know-and-know-how. a big part of wanting to be closer to my Mexican side. ...that made us go like every weekend. Noah Noah was a nightclub in Queens that has since closed. And the only thing I can find about it online is that they had nineteen violation points on their last health inspection.

Selena's parents had enrolled her and her sisters in private school, hoping that this would be a stepping stone for them to achieve the American dream. They would make comments like so you can be something in life. and not have the life we had in Mexico. Did you feel a lot of pressure to do well in school? I don't think they put that pressure on me intentionally but

It was mostly because my two oldest sisters, they were always good at school. So they were always getting certific uh well, yeah, recognitions, like awards and stuff like that. But clearly Selena was a bit lost. I think it was mostly because my parents didn't have a lot of

Supervision. Her parents worked long hours. There was a language barrier, so they couldn't help her sign up for activities or with problems with her homework. And despite being a really smart, curious person, She started doing poorly in school. Did you feel like you could ask for help? Not really. She started failing classes.

She now thinks was kind of a roundabout cry for help. I guess that was my way to get their attention somehow. I was going through a really bad time, so I got kicked out of the private high school where I was. because of my grades I couldn't fail like more than three subjects or more than two, I don't remember. So I got kicked out and

I started going to a public school, Bryant High School. Selena started cutting class at the public school. Since they had already kicked me out of the private school, I guess it was just like There's nothing left for me to do. And I didn't have I didn't know anybody there, so It was just like, uh, nobody's gonna know what is. It's a public school. I think that was just like I didn't really care what would happen. Instead of maybe asking Selena what was wrong or trying to understand her

Her parents kept their cards close to their chest. I guess I knew they were mad, but I didn't know what my dad was actually going to do. I didn't even finish high school. Actually it was December 28th. From one day to another, my dad was like, he had a suitcase and my ticket, and he's like, you're going to Mexico. Wow. Yeah. How did what was your reaction? Sorry, are we getting kind of more short? It's okay, it's okay.

It was hard, you know, like I don't really I haven't really had a chance to talk about this, but Now that I think about it, I was really stupid for doing that. But, yeah, I mean, in that moment, I was like, it was hard because I'm like, oh, I'm leaving my friends. But then I was like, okay, I'm gonna go on vacation because I thought I would be able to come back to New York. And it was just hard.

Selina knew people who had traveled back to Mexico to visit their families. This was apparently somewhat common at the time, at least with undocumented Mexican immigrants in New York. They tended to go visit and then sneak back across the border. So she kind of thought that she was just taking a trip. It was only later that she realized her parents weren't planning on bringing her back to the US.

I started reading a book and it's called I'm Not the Perfect Mexican Daughter. When I got to the part, can I read the quote? It says, um, this makes no damn sense to me. Some people think that s shipping their children back to the motherland when they get out of control will solve everything.

It's happened to some of the kids from my school, mostly gangbangers and girls who are ripe for pregnancy. Usually they come back exactly the same or worse. Maybe parents think their kids have lost their values, that they've become too Americanized. So is Mexico supposed to teach me not to have sex? And that's it. Yeah, so that really hit me hard. So now she was back in Puebla, living with families she had no memories of. I returned to My uncle's house.

Yeah, it was hard because they're very religious. So Yeah. Yeah. And my aunt was really into church. I mean she still is. My parents will be getting calls like Oh, you know. Oh they she likes to go out a lot and stuff. And I don't know, I guess we weren't what they expected me to me to be. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Um What do you think they were expecting? I guess for me to be I don't know, I guess more close minded.

Some parts of Mexico are more progressive than not. For instance, parts of Mexico are very accepting of the queer community. and legalized gay marriage before New York City did. But Puebla has a reputation for being very socially conservative, which was a big adjustment for someone who had grown up in New York. I remember one time I was just like in downtown and

I saw a lot of people like turning around and looking. I'm like, oh my God, what's going on? So I got kind of scared. I'm like, are they fighting or what? And it was just two girls holding hands. And everybody was just like and like turning around and like, you know, like whispering and stuff. She was also expected to cater to the men in her family in ways that seem backwards to her. My uncle some of my uncles are

you know, typical Mexican men, you know, like, oh, you have to be washing dishes or cooking stuff like that. And if I responded and told them something, you know, they would tell my dad like, Oh, how can you let her talk to us like that? Stuff like that. So yeah, it has it it was difficult. And despite feeling like an outsider in the Mexican community in New York Actually being in Mexico didn't help.

weird because people knew that I wasn't from there when I talked. So I mean I knew Spanish and everything, but obviously they could hear my accent. And I mean, I w I didn't have friends back then when I had just arrived. Do you feel like you ever got to a point where you were able to make friends with Mexican national?

No. Selena's parents possibly thought they could help their daughter by sending her to Mexico. But at least when she was lost to New York, Selena was around a support network and a familiar way of life. Completely upending that and taking her away from all of the things she knew made it that much worse. But... Selena was actually able to convince her middle sister, who was only a year and a half older than her, to return to Puebla on her own to join her. So I told her, I'm like, oh please come.

Blah blah blah. Come back to what I'm saying. knowing that she wasn't going to be able to go back kind of closer family. Back in Mexico. It felt good because I didn't feel alone anymore and I felt that they understood So I guess it felt kind of good. But then again, you know, it wasn't the same as having my parents with Yeah, I guess it was it was nice.

The two eventually enrolled at a local private university and continued their education. At first I started in Universidad Cuautemoc. It was it's a private university. And then um I realized that well, some things happened there and My middle sister came back to Puebla and we started going to Universidad to UPAEP, which is a really expensive university.

And then from there I I got out. I I didn't finish. I was studying architecture. Uh so here's the deal with this episode. I interviewed Selena about a year ago. And as I was putting this episode together I was actually getting confused by this section of the story. I felt like I had missed out on some key parts of Selena's tale and maybe had to learn a little bit more as an interviewer.

Then after Selena heard Sandra's story, she reached out to me. She asked me if we could do another interview. So we did. Um just a guy from the university invited me to a party. And I got really drunk and I got raped. Nobody knows about this. Just my oldest sister. But I only told her once and I was like, I don't want to talk about it ever again. One thing and then because of that rape.

Um I got pregnant. You know, it's just been hard. I I have kinda like blocked it out. My parents don't know that I got raped. But eventually Selena's parents did find out she was pregnant, and her dad made the decision to return to Mexico for good, leaving Selena's mother in New York. They have not seen each other since then.

Perhaps Selena's dad thought he was going to help his daughter take care of her baby. But by the time he returned to Mexico, she had already had the baby, a little girl, and had given her up for adoption. You know what I think it's really important, Allie? You know, like a lot of families who are going through this that are separated. And you know, like parents need their children.

Selena's family has been separated for a long time. In fact, it's been 20 years since they were all in the same room together. And while Selena had no control over how her parents handled any of the situations she found herself in, she's had to navigate the impact. that their actions have had on the family. My middle sister. Recently, I think it was last year, we had a really big fight and a lot of things came out.

tell me in my face that it was because of me that the whole family got separated again. So we're better now'cause I did tell her, you know, like it wasn't my fault. You know, it's it was my parents' decision. It wasn't my decision. So yeah. But that hit hard too. After leaving college without getting her degree in architecture, both Selena and her middle sister decided it was time to leave Puebla. They packed their bags and headed to the closest thing they had to New York, Mexico City.

She moved to the trendy neighborhood of La Roma and got a job at a call center. Once I got to Teletech, I was like, Oh my god, this is my place. I felt so I I don't know, I felt like the people that were working there had been my friends for like forever. Yeah. So it wa it was nice to talk to them in English and like That I mean a lot of people over there went through the same things that I went through. So it was

It was it was nice. I felt like in love with it. I mean I felt as if I was at home. It felt like that. I felt like home. Um, so I mean we would go out, I mean Telitech they always have parties, I think that was I guess everybody's favorite thing, the parties. Yeah. After work. So it just felt good, like as if I was at home. Selena had found her community in Mexico City. It was the happiest she had been in years. Life was about to throw another curveball at her.

How long did you stay working there for? I think six months. Yeah, six months because I got pregnant, so Oh wow. Selena got pregnant for a second time. with a guy that she had kept up a relationship with from New York. This time, however, she felt like she was able to keep her child. I had my baby when I was twenty two. Uh it was difficult because

It was hard telling my dad and my dad was he got really mad, you know. He was like, Oh, that's why you just went to Mexico City, like to be a whole like yeah, he was he was mean. Yeah. And he was really mad. Eventually Selena moved back to Puebla. She was about to become a single mother, her son's father was no longer in the picture, and in order to do that, she needed family support, even if her family support had not exactly been functional in the past.

Were you able to draw on family support after you had your baby? Or was were those relationships pretty strange? Ever since my son was born, my dad has been like the happiest grandpa. It it was difficult for me. In the beginning, because of like the money issue. But I mean, my son basically has had like a lot of love and support from all of my family. So Eventually, after years of turmoil and upheaval, Selena's life settled down considerably.

She found her calling as an English teacher another very popular job for attorneys. She started teaching at a local English institute in Puebla, where she met her now husband. And they were a happy threesome, Selena, her son, and her husband, living their lives in central Mexico. Selina still didn't feel like she was at home and had a hard time making friends with the people around her, but she'd gotten used to it. And that she thought. was probably going to be her life for a long time.

But that wasn't the case. My husband.

He got an offer to work in California. Selena's husband was offered a job at a company in the US, and he was planning on taking. Selina was ecstatic, overjoyed at the thought of going back. After years of having to settle for her fate, she finally had a path towards the thing that had been taken away from her. But there was one problem. See, her husband had never lived in the US before, but Selena had, and she had been undocumented. That was potentially going to make things very difficult.

So how hard is it for someone who is undocumented to get a residency visa to come back to the US? A lot of people have asked me this, including some people I've interviewed. So to answer that question, I turn to Catherine Del Rosario. An immigration lawyer at the McKente Law Group. So is it possible for someone to get a residency visa to come back to the US? After living here undocumented. The factors that I will consider when I hear a situation like this is. How did the person come in? So

Did they fly on a plane? Did they walk through? Were they brought here by a parent or something? Um, did they ever leave and then come back and Like what has their life like been in the US since?'Cause I want to know if they have any type of criminal history or if e they've ever like claimed to be a US citizen to anybody. So these are all the questions that kind of factor into whether somebody has any options. But it just depends. It really just depends.

It's not impossible for someone who grew up undocumented to get a residency visa, but there's a bunch of things that may have happened while they were growing up that might have seemed like nothing at the time, but can affect their visa process. I think there are some obvious ones like, you know, you shouldn't Be out here. Injuring

hurting people, that will not be good for you. But I think one of the more like subtle things that that people don't realize that they've done is they can sometimes make false claims of citizenship. And where I often see this is in states like ours in Illinois, we have this thing called the motor voter rule where when you go to the DMV to renew your driver's license,

There's a question on there, which is meant to be convenient, but it's like, do you also want to register to vote? And so we've had you know, a lot of cases in Illinois where people have inadvertently register to vote and that's telling the government on a government form that you are a US citizen. While obvious things like stealing a bike or dealing weed might get you denied a visa, filling out a form wrong because maybe you weren't good with the language at that point could as well.

Also, if you were one of those people who went back and forth across the border undocumented, even if your parents were the ones making the decision, that could also get you denied. But then again, it's also a bit of a crapshoot, and really it comes down to who's looking at your application. That person really has a lot of discretion over who they let in and who they don't. And unfortunately, like when they issue that decision, it can be super general and vague.

And you don't know why. And you don't know what else you could have done better necessarily. By the way, if you are in a position where you need help with your status in the US or need help getting legal entry here Katherine has some non-legal advice for you. Talk to a lawyer or an accredited representative. These are the only two people that can give legal advice.

Please don't rely on Reddit. Please don't rely on your friends, friends, friend. It's just every situation is truly so different. Everyone's case and options are different. So you have to talk to a professional about it. Yes. They were nervous. For both of them, there was a lot riding on this meeting. For Selena's husband, it was a well paying job that he was willing to move his whole life for.

For Selena, it was either the chance to go home, or it meant she would now be separated from her husband. So they were like, just leave us your passports. And if you do get I don't know. I really thought that we weren't gonna have it. We weren't going to get our visas because we went to the appointment and they they asked him for something else. the company. So, you know, we got out of the appointment kinda sad and everything. And then after like a week We got the visas approved.

I arrived to California. California, a state Selena had never even been to when she lived in the US before, immediately felt like home to her. When we arrived to California, We went to an Angels game and because we love baseball, so We went to a game and The fireworks started and they started playing the national anthem and I got like really teary like I started crying you know so yeah I felt very emotional So I think I feel more American.

After she settled in California, Selena and her family made plans to visit the place where it all started, New York. When I found out that we were going to come to New York to visit my mom and my sister. I started getting like I couldn't sleep that whole week, I could not sleep. It was really, really, really bad. Yeah, because I mean all the memories came back. So how long had had it been since you'd seen your mom?

It had been like eighteen years. So much had happened in those eighteen years. Selena had become an adult, she had a child her mom had never met. What was it like seeing her? I don't know, it was in the beginning, I mean, when I was in Mexico, I did miss my mom and I would be like, Oh, I wish my mom was here. But then it got to a point where I didn't miss my mom anymore. I mean it sounds kind of bad and harsh. So honestly, like when I saw her, it was like

Okay. You know, I don't know. It was like weird. Like I didn't miss her, but then again, I I mean she's my mom. So Yeah. So it was I don't know, it was it's hard to explain. Today, although Selena and her family have made a lot of progress, she still grapples with everything that happened. But I think all of this has happened because crisis, the identity crisis I had when I was here and that led to my parents like getting rid of me. Yeah, but yeah, and I think that's why

In my family there are so many problems. In the end I still kind of feel it's my fault. Because I mean my dad came back when he found out I had a baby. I had already given her up for adoption. So I think a lot of things that have marked us as a family, it has been because of me. So I think that's where I'm kinda like messed up. Like my head is just like, Is it really because of me?

Today, Selena lives in Ohio with her husband and son. Her husband changed jobs, which prompted the move to Ohio. She's happy. Her son is making new friends. And although her family still hasn't been in the same room since two thousand three, that will change soon.

Oh and one more day, my mom just got her green card, so shall we After thirty something years, I don't exa I don't remember exactly how many years she'll be able to my dad And we'll be able to spend Christmas, hopefully, this year in Mexico, the five of us, finally, after God knows how long.

This is the last episode of United Stateless for now. There's a lot of topics on the subject of returning that this podcast didn't get into, but I'm still Down to so if you're listening to this and you're like, I want to tell my story, please shoot me an email at United Stateless Podcast at gmail.com. I'm down to do a bonus episode or two. And if you don't think you have an interesting story, that's something that I think everyone I interviewed here said at one point.

So I promise you do. I want to really thank everyone who talked to me. I hope that it helped you in some way to get it all out there. I hope that you know that your story is important and that you are worth it. Maybe are thinking about this phenomenon for the first time, learn something new.

And also, if you are listening to this and thinking, this might be me one day, please check out our website, United Stateless Podcast.com. There's a page of resources where you can find organizations to get in touch with who will help. You aren't alone and there are people who will support you, meet you at the airport.

Help you find a life in Mexico, who will be your community. And if you're listening to this and thinking, I want to help, head over to that same page. Those organizations need your financial support. And if you would like to help us make future episodes, I have a link to a buy me a coffee on our website. We are entirely self-funded. Finally, I want to give a special thanks to the people who helped me make this. Without you, I would be nowhere.

Mauricio Lopez, Francesca Mesuer, Alex Montez, Pablo Arraiza, Jorge Marticorena, Israel Concha, the folks over at Nucomienzos and Oda, Rhoda Hassan, Caitlin Pierce, Jessica Balderama, J. Mallory McCree, James Boo, Andy King, Don Downey, Bo Bush, and also special thanks to Felix de Balivia, Raul Campos, Alyssa Rivera, and Brandon Tamburri.

This episode was written and produced by Alexandra Rivera. Story editing by Alexandra Rivera and Caitlin Pierce from Rough Cut Collective. Audio engineering by Jorge Mategorena, Lou Cardoza, and Andrew Berger. Sound design by Fernando Hernandez Becerra of Estonies Radio. This podcast was done in collaboration with Blue Remedy Media.

Follow us on Instagram at United Stateless Podcast. For more information and opportunities to donate to organizations that help returnees, visit our website at www.united statelesspodcast.com.