Bill tries a new intro, Ricky Gervais, audio issues, Trump -> calligraphy -> head zookeper, pic of ice cream pie, baloney/bologna, Emily Dickinson, papier mache, root canal, soft hands, cat update, chainsaws, bad episodes, riding the bus, ComActRom, American Ninja Warrior, Bill's pants, incense, future dates, trashing space, caterpillar poison, favorite alley, breakfast, bridge, cassettes, smoked meat bones, automatic refrigerator, lock leather, treated dusters, hats, mop bucket casters, S...
Apr 09, 2018•1 hr 17 min
All hints, sweetened peas, Zeppo gets involved, discarded men's shirts, cold tea, bad audio (ironic given the quality of Bill's mic), suede slippers/emery boards, Mercurochrome, ironing gravy stains, carrots and other long vegetables, olives, weed strains, woodwork stains, repair crayons, sweater girls -> buttonholes -> peanuts, saving fuel, toaster cleaning -> refrigerators -> Mr. Belvedere, thread bands, the wrong side, Umpire Pants Out
Apr 02, 2018•54 min
***WARNING BAD EPISODE*** I screwed up the recording of two episodes but they are so chock full of good content I couldn't bear to get rid of them entirely. It sounds really bad, like we're all on Skype or we're all in separate tin cans. So I'm uploading this but don't listen to it. It's so bad I didn't bother to listen and write down what we talked about so don't come cryin' to me if you don't heed my warnings and you listen to this and then we repeat ourselves later.
Mar 30, 2018•58 min
Bill screwed up the recording on two episodes, we're recording on Saturday morning, send pizzas to Kelley's house, podcast clothes, it's too early for beer, listeners in other countries, Zunes, Liverpool -> old comic strips -> Liverpool, Slick Watts, left handed, codpiece, 3rd ave. shops, dumpster diving, pedicures, mom falls down a lot, going to the dentist, going to the library, Facebook is bad, Twitter, tractor tire, listener homework, Bagwan -> podcast cult -> karate -> dungar...
Mar 26, 2018•53 min
Episode 30: Freddie from Prince Welcome Stens, state of the podcast, Mary can't use technology, Kelley does a spit take, bodily functions, pronouncing words, cat update, Trivial Pursuit, Freddie Mercury, Kelley's phone call, surveillance state, mascot, dunking donuts and coffee, Amazon streaming, break, nobody is ready, Kelley's Hint List, hanging clothes, Bill gets distracted, ammonia, shortening, theater of the mind, pub signs, removing wall paper, going to the movies, toy chest, loose linoleu...
Mar 19, 2018•1 hr 8 min
Skype training, Bill is a pessimist, is it is snowing or hailing (it was snowing), the mountain is out, Jean Godden, Mary is sick, we are distracted, Mary is back from London -> Italian Horn/Shamrock Tattoo -> London, setting off museum alarms, Bartell Drugs update, advertising, Bill panics, Stockton, mad cow, scooters -> catch phrase -> electric mall carts, Trump, valet parking, robbing old ladies, twitter is stupid, self-driving cars, dreams, bridges, Facebook, Presidents, echo cam...
Mar 13, 2018•1 hr 7 min
Episode XXVIII We Were Born Broadcasters It is just Kelley, Bill, and Herman, everyone wants to be on, old Corollas, cutting ivy, we were born broadcasters, flip flops, lost shoes, beavers, tippy canoe, ferry, kewpie card, house smells, crop dusting, shaving cats, cat vacations, oh yeah!, Kelley's school magazine, making copies, stealing from work, Mr. Belvedere -> Dixieland jazz is great -> Leon Redbone -> Mr. Belvedere, gross syndicated shows, Herman's grade 1 poem, how old was Herman...
Mar 05, 2018•56 min
Kelley and I are at her house, Mary is drinking in London and on Skype, Mary's dinner, under no circumstances,Snickers, Kelley should be on more, show pictures, sponsors, tallest and shortest, London, our show is funny, toilet turtle/frog, Bill hopes we get sued, Ghallager, Mary's burping/Ignatius, listeners, cats -> scarves -> ambient noise -> cats, How Women Should Deport Themselves, fat Americans, haircuts, break, Ladies Book of Manners, Lester the Sheep Molester, the elephant trick,...
Feb 26, 2018•1 hr 15 min
Mary is in London on Skype, the sound quality is bad, public transportation, Stonhenge, beer, Victoria and Albert, Bill makes an insanely bad Super Bowl prediction, the Patriots are boring, Kelley joins us, the show goes off the rails, cats, Geico commercial, Super Bowl commercials, Mary's smuggling, Bill is a responsible gun owner, robots that listen to podcasts, Starbucks cup update (cupdate), Sean Penn update, movies, we're getting better this, Bruce's graduation, camping is dark, Todd Glass/...
Feb 19, 2018•1 hr 9 min
We start fast, do we need music?, how to pronounce aunt, cleaner ants, Bill segues into Kelley's Hint List, paint onion, avocado pears, Bill's cheap phone, getting a cork out of an empty wine bottle -> ad giveaway -> ammonia -> high school chemistry, sterling silver Indian bracelets, polishing silver, school, barbecue meat -> hella -> charcoal grill substitute -> juice cans, messy barbecue grills, damping clothes in the shower, ironing clothes, Kelley doesn't have a toaster, In...
Feb 12, 2018•1 hr 5 min
Kelley is here, we are watching the AFC championship game, best of update, Bill talks too fast, spouse feedback, chill down, the point of this whole thing, umpire pants, swearing, accupuncture update, gout, mustard plaster, coffee, names, weird fishing game, grandma, weird meat, ponies aren't baby horses, Beethoven/Hawaii/deaf/Grutrude, itching and scratching, words/cops, Gahna record contract, swearing, Felix's play, Women's March, another visit from the meat truck, cat pictures, pants, Starbuc...
Feb 05, 2018•1 hr
umpirepantspod@gmail.com @umpirepants Daisojapan.com Bill is more official, drops, Mary is going to London -> cheap seafood -> Mary doesn't like Daiso -> Great Wheels -> Kingdome -> foot update/hobos -> Kingdome -> Ken Griffey Jr.'s bat update, Mary's foot update (20:42 - 38:28 ) -> Sofie interrupts -> Halloween candy bar -> the International District -> checks -> Mary's story was long (16 minutes and counting), flip flops/Las Vegas, are we recording Mary from...
Jan 29, 2018•1 hr 5 min
umpirepantspod@gmail.com @umpirepants Kelley and Felix are here, tightening our shit up, its the playoffs, this is the first episode 23, super bowl commercials, Bill makes a natural transition, Hamilton joke, Mary is going to London, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, listener feedback, old entertainers, Maude, Game of Thrones, Golden Girls, things you are still mad about from childhood, Mary is bad at texting, words Kelley has trouble saying, weird neighbors->lumpin' around London->Bill p...
Jan 22, 2018•58 min
LaCroix, sugar in 7-up, Mary is deaf, cats -> getting scratched by cats -> compost -> cats, Bill teaches Mary about hosting, college football, Super Bowl predictions, Ohio, Kelley's Hint List -> live calls -> Mary can't find her glasses -> glycerine and elbow grease, collect a meat bonus -> soups and cheeses -> meat dip, Russel is on mic for the first time, oatmeal flavor -> weird recipes, scorched vegetables -> Pulp Fiction -> foot update, Umpire Pants Out
Jan 15, 2018•39 min
Bill's duties as host, listeners, recapping the last episode, non podcast listeners, Bill is low energy, Mary loves salt, Doritos, food Mary likes, Bill repeats cat tips, Simon update, saving the coal industry, baked beans, world interest, Kelley's easter egg, sisters in law, Mary almost says the funniest thing ever, Spanish lesson, selling bibles, Mad Magazine, Golden Girls, Party Records, Bob Newhart, Belly Bucking, Match Game, Bill hates Alec Baldwin, Nick Cage, celebrities we confuse with ea...
Jan 08, 2018•1 hr 6 min
Mary is sitting in the car, Lily and Bill start without her, it was just Christmas, having kids makes you more tidy, meatball subs, food contamination, loud ringtones, talking on the phone, fax machines, life before cell phones, No Holds Barred, more fax machines, cell phones, Mary shows up, Mary won't get the joke, Bill is tired of having a sprained foot, Alf, Mary is a bad driver, Dad doesn't read road signs, Bill adjusts the volume, Lily has good posture, morons, Mary is hysterical, old docto...
Jan 01, 2018•1 hr 10 min
Bill panics in a good way, Mary figures out who opened for Chris Rock, Jitterbug phone, McDonald's cheeseburgers, Kelley doesn't like the last episode's name, we have a full house, Bill explains how he screwed up the last episode, Seattle Arena, samsquanches, bad neighbor update, fireworks, Office, Ernst, wallpaper, toilet frogs and bats, break (Nate Bargatze), people who look like each other, Dursting, Kelley asks what a bumper sticker means, Simon, Bill has a bad beard, Cat Person, Geico Comme...
Dec 25, 2017•1 hr 11 min
Mary is back, Bill recorded an episode by himself, who opened for Chris Rock?, Andrea and Herman don't listen, things we're not talking about anymore (bats, Ernst and Jafco), Christmas, hiding cars from the repo man, cars with a bow, orange cupcake tease, Pepperidge Farm gift box, Scrooge, McDonalds, cheeseburgers, ants and cartels, Simon is dumb update, Garrison Keillor update, more bats, curses, gypsies -> Marx Brothers -> San Miguelito -> gypsies, dad update, Pompano update, Bill's p...
Dec 18, 2017•47 min
Simon, rabies, ants, Spanish teacher, rato/ratito, republicans, listeners, jail, Jimmies, submarines, Jeopardy, San Jose Costa Rica, killer bees/killer whales, scary kid things, kitchen gadgets, weekly yelling at dad segment, drinking water, echo update, 77 Corolla wagon, old cars, speaking and cooking, weekly Geico commercial, Umpire Pants out
Dec 11, 2017•1 hr 4 min
umpirepantspod@gmail.com @umpirepants https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ernst_Home_Centers Bill has no idea what episode it is (it is 16); technical difficulties, Ernst/Home Depot/Costco, Redmond, ducks, , libraries, penis jets, jungle update, burning, Alejandro, ants, bats, rabies, email, end zone celebrations, laundry port, weird old houses, homeless problem, self driving cars are not the future, we should shut the internet down, Facebook, old book and movie reviews, it's cool that we have a podca...
Dec 04, 2017•1 hr 7 min
umpirepantspod@gmail.com @umpirepants We should do a live episode, old business, podcast listeners, Mary remembers Denzel Washington movies, Beta VCR, Bob Odenkirk, Mary doesn't like most standup comics, Richard Pryor, Geico commercial of the week, leaf cutter ants and toilet frogs, Mary doesn't like most podcasts, George Navarro, grabbing the mic, old household parts, starting fluid, Ernst, hardware stores, Zoots, speaking Spanish, getting podcast listeners, Doughboys, Costa Rica
Nov 27, 2017•1 hr 9 min
umpirepantspod@gmail.com @umpirepants What time is it?, Mary didn't eat dinner again, things, election day, Mary is an entrepreneur, Vera, stats, toads and frogs, snow, Larry King, umpire pants, wasps and ants, groin, Bill's story doesn't add up, hey dummy, superglue, juggalos/deadheads, allegedly, Simon the cat, callbacks, new crown, earrings
Nov 20, 2017•1 hr 3 min
umpirepantspod@gmail.com @umpirepants Halloween and Thanksgiving, family sayings, Nicholas Cage, roadrunner tattoo, Canada, trashy plants, bees, how to kill leaf cutter ants, social media tips, burps, strong Mary, Costa Rica updates
Nov 13, 2017•55 min
Our first remote epsiode Mary and Kelley are in Costa Rica, toilet frogs, real meat, the lowest form of food, working on cars, no Tina Fey update, SpaghettiOs, S-10 stories, cops, changing tires, Mary is hogging the mic, Twitter, scary Costa Rica things, everything goes to hell, Trunk or Treat,
Nov 06, 2017•55 min
umpirepantspod@gmail.com @umpirepants http://hostesscakes.com/products Mary glued her fingers to a tube of superglue, Kelley is here, Tina Fey part 3, bad food names, out of the will, Nebraska, Kelley's hint list, Easter scavenger hunt
Oct 30, 2017•59 min
umpirepantspod@gmail.com @umpirepants We've made it to double digits, Anthony Bourdain and Tina Fey part 2, Simon the giant cat, avocado toast, things that aren't funny, bad cat names, Mary messes up our edit, inventions, sweat box/sweat lodge, buffets, Las Vegas, water contest
Oct 23, 2017•1 hr 2 min
umpirepantspod@gmail.com @umpirepants Bill gave out the wrong information, Anthony Bourdain/Shark Tank, online recipes, Paula Poundstone, Prairie Home Companion, the most Seattle thing ever, local show local donut, NFL, Umpire Pants
Oct 16, 2017•1 hr 2 min
State of the podcast, Bill is sick, weird podcasts, Bill forgets to introduce Kelley, school, podcast reviews, Seinfeld and Tina Fey, movies, cats, household hints, grandma, Dave Barry, Nerf guns, dumb technology, babies
Oct 09, 2017•1 hr 12 min
State of the Podcast, Cheech and Chong, potted meat, door to door meat sales, Lily has some business ideas, taking a break, Twitter, is this podcast good?, books, Sofie talks, hot sauce, the coast, Dennis Wilson, intend on, cords, flat earth
Oct 07, 2017•1 hr 2 min
Mary hurt her foot so she took a painkiller and is pretty loopy in this one.
Oct 06, 2017•1 hr 12 min
