Session 3: I am Strong
Positive Affirmation:I am strong. I have decided to move out of my comfort zone. I have the power to do whatever I set my heart to, even if that means asking for help from another. I am willing to keep getting back up each time I fail or fall. I cannot and will not be broken.
Seamus:Now, to start things off, there’s a line in the book that says, “The real secret to being strong is simply being who and what you are.” Why do you think that is an important part of becoming strong?
Ned: It took a lot of courage for me to initially step out and be who I am. My nature is that I’m a gentle caring person. However, my behaviour didn’t match that because my imposed gender rules were dictating how I felt I should behave. It reminds me of a time when I was working in the factory, and I posted a flyer on the message board at the time clock.
Seamus: Okay.
Ned: It’s a story that I’m not embarrassed to tell. When I first started waking up and discovering myself, I decided I was going to learn how to do Reiki. Reiki is a hands-on healing technique where you draw energy into you and you pass it on to another person. The whole idea was a far stretch for me. When I first started doing Reiki, I felt very insecure about it.
Now, to frame this properly, you must realize that when I did this I was in my early twenties. This is almost twenty years ago. Reiki was hardly known by anyone, and it was such an out-there concept. So, to put up a flyer in a factory full of men who had no desire to get a Reiki session or a healing from another dude was kind of out there as well.
I look back at it now and I think, there’s no way I was going to get any clients from that flyer going up in the factory.
Seamus: Yeah, right.
Ned: So, I put this poster up and I was feeling very insecure about the whole thing. A few days later, I was walking towards the front of the factory at lunch time and I saw this guy pointing at the flyer laughing. I was so embarrassed, I went right to anger. I went up to the guy and I grabbed him by the throat and I threw him against the wall and I said, “Do you think that’s funny?”
Well, because my hand was gripping his throat his answer was “No, no.”
Then it suddenly it dawned on me: “Hold on—I’m advertising healing. This is supposed to be something that makes you feel good and peaceful, and now I’m choking this person.”
I don’t know what the next step could have been in that scenario—maybe I could have done some Reiki on him. I don’t know.
Seamus: Reiki on his throat. [laughing]
Ned: Yes, on his throat for squeezing it! When I look back at that experience and reflect, it took a lot of courage to discover who I am. But that discovery is one of the most worthwhile pursuits I’ve ever partaken in. When you discover who you are, you also get to discover your purpose that lies within, and living a purposeful life empowers us greatly. One of the things that makes us strong is living our purpose. That’s the by-product of being who we are. Because there are a lot of things that we do just because everybody else is doing it.
Seamus: This puts me in mind of the lemming room you described in chapter one of your book Be Love: A Book about Awakening.
Ned: Exactly.
Seamus: That’s very interesting. When you’re talking about the Reiki poster and how, at that point in your life, most people were not on board with it yet or were hardly aware of it—that’s not going to make you feel very comfortable because you know it’s not a mainstream thing yet. Here’s the thing, though: that was in fact one of your first steps towards discovering your purpose, along with everything else you have done since then. It was clearly a step in the right direction.
Where you were feeling vulnerable and self-conscious about that, someone else might have walked out the door and not gone any further into it because their mind might be saying, “I don’t know if I’m the right person to even be doing this because I clearly can’t manage my emotions and my behaviours when someone targets my vulnerabilities.”
How do you keep moving forward even though you are slightly uncomfortable? How can you know when your mind is screaming at you, you know, “This is not comfortable! This is not where you need to be right now”?
Ned: The real question is how to become strong. It’s a practice. There must be a willingness to push yourself beyond your comfort zone. When I put that poster up, that was about six steps out of my comfort zone. Back then I was working in a man’s world, and if you weren’t a man’s man you were a sissy or a wimp. All those derogatory terms are not true. I had to be willing to push myself outside of my comfort zone. There was something in me that knew doing Reiki back then was purposeful for me. It was pointing me in the right direction.
One of the things that we need to do, in addition to pushing ourselves out of our comfort zones, is to kick out the feeble voice in our head. Being strong is sometimes a decision that we make and keep making. We continuously make the decision to do what it is that we need to do. I knew I had to do something, and so I had to decide—and follow through with it.
Because that voice in your mind will say you can’t, you shouldn’t, you’d better not. You can come up with all kinds of reasons why you shouldn’t be purposeful in your life, but that’s just your ego talking.
Seamus: You were saying earlier that, during your time working in the factory, if you were not a man’s man you would be considered a sissy and a wimp; that feeling that you shouldn’t, you can’t, do what are you doing. Those essentially are all just labels; you’re putting labels on yourself.
Ned: Exactly! When we succumb to our self-imposed labels, we have already given up in our mind. The thing about giving up is that it becomes a reflex that we lean into more often. It’s easy to quit. You must make the decision, and not give up before you try. You also must be willing to fail. I had to be willing to lose a few things, and to not be right, for things to not work out, to not be supported. When I decided to become a tattoo artist, a lot of people told me, “Oh, you don’t want to do that. You have a great job working in the factory.” But I had to be strong enough in myself to say, “No, I want to do that.” People would say, “What about the benefits?”
When I look back at that now. . . the factory I used to work in is closed.
Seamus: People find security in odd things, though. What is security? In your position as a tattoo artist, I would say that your level of devotion to your art is going to guarantee you more fruit for longer periods of time because you are so into it.
What would you say is the difference between dedication and devotion?
Ned:There is a huge difference between the two. I explained this in my book with a chart. The chart shows how when we start out doing something, when we want to achieve a goal or do something in our lives, we will usually become dedicated to our cause. We may feel like we are dedicated to the task at hand. The problem with dedication is that it may only get you to your goal if you remain dedicated.
However, think of it this way: say you’re an employer and you had ten dedicated employees, you would be very successful and I’m sure your business would flourish with having that many dedicated employees. Can you imagine how different things would be if you had ten devoted employees? I’m going to define devotion: devotion is everything that dedication is, with the inclusion of love. You’re dedicated with a sense of love toward what you’re doing. Can you imagine if you had ten employees, and all your employees loved what they were doing?
When you’re devoted to something and you’re willing to pour love into it, you now have the potential to go ten miles past any finish line or quitting point. My new mindset around a goal is that a goal is the minimum I think I can achieve. Whereas in the past, a goal would be the maximum that I thought I could achieve. The great thing is, we can renew our devotion anytime we choose. We can submerse ourselves into what we’re doing and bring a sense of love and passion into our work.
Seamus: I want to go back to the comfort zones and experiencing vulnerability and how that equals growth. We talked about you putting up your Reiki flyers at your work, for example. You felt very uncomfortable about that and conflict ensued. So, in cases like these, how do we find the strength to walk through our vulnerabilities? Is there a way to do that, and is it straightforward or is it a complicated affair?
Ned: If you look at vulnerability, it comes from your ego. Your soul isn’t vulnerable. Our vulnerabilities are nothing more than a voice in our head or a feeling in your body. We have the power to let go of our thoughts. We also have the power to let go of our feelings. We tend to put so much stake in what we think and what we feel, and when it’s a self-defeating thought like a vulnerability, we place a greater level of importance on those thoughts. The truth is that they are not all that important.
Understand that your vulnerabilities are just your ego feeling insufficient and afraid. Walking through your vulnerabilities sets your ego down. It says, “You know what? It’s okay. I’m not going to be a master at anything until I put some time in, or maybe I’ll never be master of the things that I want to try to master in this life.” When we change our relationship to the voices in our head, then everything changes.
Another way to look at vulnerability is this: vulnerability is fear taking ownership of the body, and we reclaim our power by overriding our fears.
Another funny story comes to mind. Years ago, when I first started tattooing, I got into my head that I wanted to tattoo at a tattoo convention happening in Guelph Ontario. I thought, “I want to go to this.” When I look back at that time in my career, I knew nothing about what I was doing. I was self-taught at that point. I had received a few pointers from a couple of tattooists. So, I called the owner and organizer of the convention. I get him on the phone I say, “Yes, I want to come and tattoo at your show.”
He says, “What’s your shop name?”
Back then it was Ned’s Needles.
He responded with, “Ned’s Needles. I have never heard of you. Where are you from? Do you have a shop?”
And I say, “No I’m tattooing in my home.”
He replies, “So you are a scratcher.” (A scratcher, for those of you who may not understand the term, is someone who’s had no training, like me at the time. I was trying to pick it up on my own. Their tattoos end up looking like somebody scratched the skin and they’re usually terrible.)
I said, “No, no, I’m not a scratcher.”
He says, “Look, this show is for professionals.”
I said, “Well, how about I come up and show you my work, and then you can decide whether you want me to come tattoo at your show.”
He says, “Yes, okay. Whatever.”
We set a date and time to meet and, with my portfolio in tow, I drove myself up to Guelph where his shop was located. By the time I arrived at his shop I was very nervous; the hour-long drive had done nothing to calm my nerves. When I got to the door of his shop, the organizer and his wife were having this massive screaming match at each other. I’m thinking, “Oh, crap. This is a bad timing.”
So, I opened the door a crack and they both stopped and looked at me, and I said, “Yes, I’m here to show you some of my work for the convention. I’m Ned.”
Right away, he says, “All right, go sit down over there.”
His wife was extremely mad because I was interrupting the argument they were having. He comes over and he’s violently flipping through my portfolio and I’m thinking, “There’s no way. I’m not getting into this show.” Then suddenly, he stops and turns it back to the beginning and starts going back through my photos more slowly. I’m thinking, “Oh, okay.”
Then he looks up at me, sets the portfolio down, and says, “This show is for people just like you. I want you to come tattoo at my show.”
I’m thinking, “That’s not what I was expecting. I was going up there to get rejected.”
So, he gives me a registration package to fill out and mail back. On my way home from the meeting, I began to realize the gravity of the choice I had just made. What I was doing? I suddenly realized, “There will be about fifty tattooists there! They will all know I don’t know what I’m doing.” At that point my vulnerabilities were starting to get the best of me. By the time I got home, I had already resolved that I wasn’t going to tattoo at the convention. I was just going to be a spectator because that’s something he had mentioned to me on the phone when I first called.
About two weeks before the show, the organizer calls me up and says, “Ned, where’s your registration?”
I said, “Oh, yes. By the way, I think I’m just going to come and watch.”
He replies with, “No, send me your registration. You’re tattooing at this.”
I’m like, “Okay, yes, sure. No problem. I’ll send it right out.”
I get off the phone and think, “Screw that! I’m not doing that. No way.”
Then, about a week before the show, he calls me back and he says, “Ned, where’s your registration?”
I said, “Oh, gosh, I don’t know. I think you’re probably right. I’m not ready for this and I should just come and spectate this year.”
He’s like, “No, you are coming and tattooing at this show.”
Next, he says, “Look, you’re coming. That’s the end of the story. I’m going to give you the booth for half the price and you can pay me at the end of the weekend if you make money.”
Now, at that point, there was no way I could turn down his offer by saying no to him. I felt that if I had, I would be disrespecting him because he was obviously providing a good opportunity for me. So, I went and tattooed at his convention and it turned out to be one of the best experiences of my life. It was actually a dream come true.
Halfway through the convention, I was sitting tattooing beside the stage and to my right was London, Ontario tattoo artist Mike Austin. I looked over at Mike and I said, “Music is loud, hey?”
He says, “Yeah, man. No doubt.”
Instantly I had chills running down my spine. I had dreamed that scenario. That exact scenario. I dreamed that I was tattooing at a convention and a very talented artist was beside me and I looked over at him and I said, “Music is loud.” And he said, “No doubt.” The funny thing about that situation was that I was the least talented artist and the least trained, and the owner of the show put me beside the best artist of the show. I found out later that a lot of artists were not happy I was there. They thought I had no business on the convention floor because they knew I was a scratcher. I think the show owner was following his heart in that moment when he said, “You’re coming. This convention is for you.” I think there was a knowingness inside of him because it seemed more than just a decision that he made. He seemed so firm in the decision that I was supposed to be there.
The thing about the whole scenario is that I was incredibly vulnerable. I didn’t know what I was doing. But in that convention, I stretched myself and I grew considerably. What I realized was that I had been succumbing to the voices in my head. I was labelling myself a newbie and thinking that I wasn’t good enough and that they were going to know that I sucked. There were many voices in my head that I had to let go of.
Seamus: Did you know that consciously?
Ned: Not at the time, no. It’s only in hindsight when I look back at the whole scenario that I realized that I walked through some big vulnerabilities. In the moment, I was scared as hell. I was nervous. I was afraid, and I didn’t want to look stupid in front of everyone, but I was willing to forego the voices in my head and forego any labels I had placed on myself.
Seamus: How did you manage to stay strong in that situation?
“When you bypass the voice in your head, you get to follow what your heart knows. The moment you begin to follow it, you become the hero of your story.”
Ned: I decided. I realized I couldn’t back out. When I knew that I couldn’t back out, I closed that back door, and I did it.
Seamus: What do you take away from the experience?
Ned: I gained a great deal of confidence. I realized that I’m stronger than I think, and that the best way to get over something is to get on it. It was either going to defeat me or I was going to defeat it. But when I look at it now, all I had to really do was just stay present. Go from one moment to the next. What do I need to do? I need to pack the car, put all my gear in it. What do I need to do now? Drive there, then unpack my stuff, put it in the hall. It was one moment after the next. I didn’t allow my mind to overwhelm me, to overthink it and to start going into scenarios where I was rehearsing what I thought was going to happen next. I think that a big part in choosing to be strong is not rehearsing predetermined outcomes. With each rehearsal, we can sometimes feel a little bit more defeated because we think of more ways that we can’t than ways that we can.
Seamus: Oh, yes. I like that!
I want to talk to you now about the difference between the will of the mind versus the will of your heart.
Ned: The heart is a doorway into the soul. Your soul holds the knowledge of your destiny. Your destiny is imprinted on your soul. Your heart knows; it knows everything because it draws its wisdom from the soul. It knows everything that is destined to be yours. It’s not that the heart has a will, but rather that it holds your destiny. I talk about the will of the heart versus the will of the mind in my book, but I want to push that a bit further. There’s no will of the soul. There’s only a knowingness there. If I take that a little bit further, where does the destiny in my soul come from? Where do you think that the destiny in your soul comes from?
Would you agree that we come into the world with a destiny?
Seamus: I’m not really certain.
Ned: The conclusion that I have come to in my life is that the destiny in my soul was given to me by the Creator. It was given to me before I came here. When I consider the will of my mind, it pales in comparison to the destiny of my soul.
What is the will of the mind? The will of the mind is nothing more than desire. As we mentioned in the last session, as we fulfill one desire another one arises. The will of your mind is a fruitless pursuit that could keep you chasing your tail for the rest of your life. Whereas the knowingness of your soul guides you to fulfill your destiny. It’s a completely different arena.
How we get there is by learning how to surrender the mind. Learn how to say no to your thoughts because the mind has very little power to direct us with our purposeful endeavours.
The more attention you give your mind, the more it wants. It has an endless appetite and the potential to devour all our attention and energy in the process of satisfying that appetite.
Seamus: We have talked about this a little bit. Surrendering the will of the mind allows you to start focusing on your heart so that you can then begin to make better decisions, more purposeful decisions. Something I’m curious about is the time it takes for your heart to say something to you that you know is a purposeful decision. Did it take a while to figure out what it is that you ought to be doing?
Ned: That’s a great question and I think we’re going to dive more deeply into that in session eight, but a short answer to that is, the fulfillment of our purpose happens from one moment to the next. The heart’s not going to give us words and say, “Here’s the answer to your question.”
There’s a knowingness, but that knowingness may not come over you when you demand. When I ask my heart something, I never know if the answer will be immediate or if it’s in five years. What I do know is that when I need the answer, it will be given. This is where faith needs to be in place. The mind is impulsive and impatient: it wants everything now. Whereas the heart is wise and knows when we need our answers.
Seamus: Yes, because there is some uncertainty in there, or a fear, perhaps. I could see that being a complication for people if they’re trying to wrap their heads around “How do you know what your heart’s saying?”
Ned: The most purposeful and needed things will automatically come forth in the moment. I understand why you’re asking, because when your mind has been your guide all your life and that’s the only tour guide that you’ve ever had, we don’t know how to get into the heart.
The heart is the ultimate tour guide of our life. It can be trusted once you learn how to rest in your heart. A large portion of learning how to know what’s in your heart is to stop listening and responding to your thoughts. Creating a space for the knowingness in you to arise.
Seamus: I’ve had situations in my life where I knew what my heart knows. I would make these decisions without really thinking about it at all. I would be like, “I’m going to do that.”
Next, I would like to talk about communication. I encourage people to use their voice to communicate rather than voiceless communication—texting, email, so and so forth. I’d like to hear your take on the lack of social skills in our society right now.
Ned: Yes, this is the topic I briefly bring up in the book, and I bring it up in the chapter on strength because it is a strength to be able to have face-to-face conversations. It develops communication and social skills that we don’t acquire through texting and online interactions.
The art of extemporaneous speaking, better known as impromptu speaking, is a valuable skill and it’s a tool that I use all the time in my life. I’ve learned how to have spontaneous conversations. If you say good morning to me, I’m not going to be stuck for an answer.
There is something to be said about face-to-face interactions. There’s an energetic connection that is more easily bridged when we’re connecting face to face. When we are in each other’s field of energy, we pick up more and we can read each other’s body language. You’re picking up more of the vibe in the room; there tends to be a deeper communication that springs forth in a face-to-face conversation.
When we only use stop–start communications, where you text me something and I think about it for two hours, there’s something that’s lost in in the transaction. What’s lost is the spontaneity and the ability to think on your toes, to create quick synapses in your brain. This is where your brain is a benefit and a tool for our use. I talk often about setting down your mind. I’m always telling people “Set your mind down. Stop thinking.” Now this is where the mind is useful as a tool. Sometimes I’ll frame it this way: if you were a carpenter, you would need all kinds of tools, but if you carried all your tools while trying to do a job, how effective would you be?
Seamus: Not very.
Ned: Can you imagine a roofer with a table saw strapped to his back? In the same way, we need to be able to think of the mind as a tool that we pick up and we set down. We don’t need to carry the mind around when it’s not necessary.
Seamus: I’ve noticed the older generations can pick up a conversation much better.
Ned: That’s right.
Seamus: They’re easier to communicate with because they don’t leave you hanging in conversations. Some of the conversations I have with people who spend more time on their phones or social media, etcetera, are a little harder to tap into and there’s also a different side of them as well. People become very outspoken especially on social media because it’s less confrontational. I just wanted to get your take on that because it is something I’ve noticed and something that I have encouraged my readers to be more aware of. Try to practice more with communicating with your voice or video or just something more than just texting. I find that if you do not practice socially, you can lose touch with that.
If you’re not constantly sharpening them, your skills tend to dull very quickly. It’s easier to have a conversation on text than it is to have in real life. It is more uncomfortable to have that in real life: you actually have to look at the person. All of these things add to the equation of being uncomfortable and vulnerable.
Ned: There’s another component to that. If we’re not emotionally adept and don’t have good control over our emotions, there is a chance that face-to-face interactions can be overwhelming. This is a topic that I hear with some people. They feel overwhelmed while having face-to-face interactions. The solution to that is not to hide away and avoid it, but to tackle it head on.
If your emotions are out of balance, maybe it’s time for you to look at understanding your emotions. What are our emotions? What are they used for? How do we start to become more emotionally intelligent? Daniel Goleman wrote an amazing book about emotional intelligence. Holding back and succumbing to your fears and vulnerabilities points you toward a mundane life that’s limited in purpose.
Seamus: Those opportunities where you go out and you do something that you weren’t sure about and then you feel uncomfortable—they’re sometimes nowhere near as bad as you would have imagined it.
Ned: Once we overcome one fear, we now have a recipe to overcome any fear. We only need to do it once to realize we can overcome our fears and walk through our vulnerabilities. Fears have a way of deepening when we submit to them. They just get bigger and bigger, and the problem with the mind is that it will accept anything as its truth. If we tell ourselves something long enough, it becomes our truth. However, it doesn’t make it true, but it becomes our truth. If our truth empowers our fears, they can overwhelm us, leaving us disempowered in their wake.
I just mentioned a few minutes ago about labels. We’ll put labels on ourselves and then hold ourselves to those labels. Most of the labels that we put onto ourselves are irrational decisions that we’ve made. Think about that for a minute: think about a label that you put on yourself in the past. “I’m not good at this,” or “I’m not good at interacting socially.” Now you’ve put a label on yourself, and that’s just an irrational decision that you’ve made up in your mind. The reality is that your soul is not insignificant. Your soul is not afraid, it’s not vulnerable. Putting labels on ourselves squishes out any chance of moving forward as long as we’re holding them because a label is nothing more than a mental position.
I interview people for my blog, www.umatter.blog, all the time. Umatter is a free online resource for people to explore different topics around well-being and mental health. A great number of my guests have dealt with obstacles in their life and in spite of them, they’re still succeeding.
I used to be a Big Brother through the Big Brothers agency. I had one little brother who was very shy to talk. We made a deal—it was, of course, on his terms, and he agreed with this—that during the first half of our visit, we would go to a store and he had to talk to the clerk. He had to ask one question or ask for help with something. Then, after that, we would go to a restaurant and I would tell him what I wanted so he could order when the waitress arrived at the table.
It gave him practice with talking with strangers. Instead of enabling him in his inability to converse with strangers, I gave him a safe opportunity to grow beyond his shyness. I gave him an opportunity to push beyond his vulnerabilities. I created an opportunity for him so that he no longer had to fear social interactions. He was doing what he could from the place he was in.
That’s all we ever need to do.
Seamus: I think small steps are necessary, especially if there is a crippling amount of self-doubt and worry—I can relate to this. One thing I recall from the book is how our fears may seem huge to us but absolutely nothing to another person. Sometimes they seem like this massive thing that our mind has fabricated, but in reality, it might not take very much to get through your fears.
Ned: Yes, I agree. What I’m afraid of may seem insignificant to you, and what you’re afraid of may be insignificant to me. What does that tell you? The reality of a fear is that it may be not true at all.
Seamus: Also, in the book, you state that the mind or the ego hates change and that it prefers routines. What kinds of routines are healthy? What routines are you trying to expel?
“My ego is the part of me that complains and resists change. It is not the real me. The made-up version of myself finds problems with life, whereas the true self surrenders to what is.”
Ned: Being excessive in our routines can be unhealthy. What is healthy is not being addicted to your routines. I invite people to avoid routines: allow your life to be spontaneous and allow the spontaneity to unfold in your day. If we repeat what we did yesterday and the day before, we’re not allowing the aliveness of this moment to unfold naturally. We’re blocking all that’s coming to us by needing to control our life through routine.
On the other side of the coin, if you are in a dark place or you’re stressed out, routines can be something you lean into to feel familiarity, to make you feel a little more comfortable. A routine may help ground and stabilize you if you are having a difficult time. If you have a favourite friend or family member that you visit, then the routineness of seeing that friend if you’re feeling unstable may be enough to help jar you out of the experience you’re having.
One of my favourite quotes that I have written is, “In between all our greatest moments, the miracles are still happening.” If we’re stuck in routines, we’re missing what’s unfolding in our life. We’re missing the miracles that are taking place between our greatest moments.
Seamus: I want to know how micromanaging your life is a detriment to what could possibly unfold naturally. Why do we need to let go of controlling every outcome and not allowing flexibility in our plans?
Ned: Being flexible is such an important part of living. Everything is in a state of change. As soon as something manifests into this world, the world changes as a result of it. We have to realize that whatever we create also changes until it eventually returns itself back to dust. Change is a natural part of life, and not being flexible with change forces this moment to fit the narrowness of our mind.
When we try to make life conform to our ideas, what tends to happen is we get frustrated because life cannot be reduced to such a small potential. The mind is only a sliver of potential, whereas life itself is a forty-lane highway of potential streaming towards us. The mind is like an overgrown footpath by comparison. This moment can’t be squeezed into that. What is happening is what’s meant to happen. It’s only your mind that it’s in opposition to it.
I know there are people who may throw up a red flag here and say, “Well, what about if somebody attacks another person?” Common sense is still necessary. When I say, “Things are happening and they should be happening,” it doesn’t mean that if we see somebody getting attacked we don’t react to injustice. Be alive and fresh with the moment—go over and help the person. It’s important that we follow our instincts in these moments. Maybe there is a reason why that person is being attacked that we don’t know of. Maybe the person getting attacked is a child abuser. We don’t know. I’ve worked out a few ideas on this topic over the years, one being that I don’t know the reason why things are the way they are. When I try to squeeze this moment to be everything I want it to be, I’m really missing out on the potential possibilities of greatness coming into my life.
Seamus: I think, too, that if we predetermine every little thing, every chore, every duty and responsibility we need to do through the course of the day, it means that we may be putting blinders on.
Ned: Well, your purpose may include you getting to certain situations, but that’s the thing about our purpose: it may not unfold the way our mind thinks it’s going to. Allowing flexibility to live within your plans is a healthy way to stay disengaged from the mind and become more engaged with your heart.
Seamus: Now, you’ve mentioned that change is constant. Why would you say that change is such an integral part of life?
Ned: It’s because of what I was just talking about: everything that comes into this world changes. Everything is in motion. Nothing stays the same. Even physical, solid objects are changing. They’re changing at such a slow rate that we don’t see it, but they are. Every part of this room is decomposing. It’s decomposing around us right now. We think that we live in a solid and stable reality, but the only thing that’s solid and stable is the fact that nothing is solid and stable. Everything is in the process of change, and that’s a good thing.
I think about my business, for example: I started out tattooing in my home and now I’m back tattooing in my home. My business went through this massive change where, at one point, I needed to get out in the public because I needed clients. Then when I got out in public and I started getting more clients, then I needed more tattooers because I couldn’t keep up with all the business, so I trained five tattooers. Then after I trained five tattooists there ensued another set of problems that I had to work out. Then eventually they went off and opened their own studios and become very successful.
Now I’m back home by myself, right back to the beginning. What I found difficult was my need to hang on while change was taking place. When my employees first started leaving, it was painful. They were like my children. I was somewhat of a dysfunctional parent at times, which may have caused the change, but when I finally got to a place where I allowed that change to happen, there was no more suffering for me. When I pull back and look at it, this needed to happen. This change was inevitable and good for me.
Seamus: Another topic I would like to bring up is how we can begin healing our traumas, the things that may be disempowering us.
Ned: One of my biggest upsets was a turbulent relationship with a person in my life. For years I couldn’t accept some of the things that had happened. In my non-acceptance I was creating a block for me to begin healing. Another realization for me was that I wasn’t willing to stop being angry. Eventually I resolved that I wanted peace in my life and I didn’t want to be angry anymore. I had held myself back because I allowed myself to project my anger toward another person. Another factor that impeded my healing was I wasn’t willing to stay committed to letting go of the past.
When I decided I wanted to heal and move on from my dramas and traumas, I used these three steps to heal myself.
1. I had to accept what had happened. In my acceptance, that[nb1] didn’t mean that the other person was right or that I was wrong. It just meant “I’m drawing a line in the sand and from today forward, I realize that happened and I can accept what happened.” A lot of the drama in my mind was, “How could this person do that? I loved them. I cared about them. Why would they do that?” It got even more painful when I said, “Why would they do it to ME?” I personalized it. In my acceptance, I said, “Okay, it happened. Let’s move on.”
2. I stopped sending anger. If I remember an event from the past that’s painful or difficult, I no longer send anger toward that person or situation.
3. The last step was that I stayed committed to letting it go. No matter how many times the past reared its ugly head, I accepted it. I didn’t get angry with it. I didn’t go into the feelings or the emotions around it. I just let it go. I let it go with love.
Seamus: That’s interesting, because some people might feel that acceptance equates to defeat. Sometimes, when we feel hurt about the things that have happened to us, we start to think about vengeance. Like, “You’re going to give me what I deserve,” or “I’m only going to feel better once you admit you’re wrong.”
Ned: By doing that you’re putting your well-being in the hands of another person. It’s important to heal ourselves, for if we don’t, then there’s a good chance that our vulnerabilities and our fears will continue to overpower us in our lives. How we know whether we need to look back and heal our traumatic events is by taking inventory of our thoughts. What thoughts are coming to you? How often do past, unrelated conflicts infect the moment you’re in? How many times a day, a week or a month are you affected by your past?
Seamus: In your book you quoted the four Cs: Curiosity, confidence, courage, and consistency. This seems like something that’s easier said than done. Which of those four Cs do you think is the most difficult to maintain?
Ned: I think it would be different for everyone. What may be difficult for me maybe easy for you. That quote about the four Cs came from Walt Disney. He said, “The four Cs are necessary in life. Curiosity, confidence, courage, and consistency.” What he was sharing in that quote is a formula from which he created his world. He learned how to be creative. He learned how to be consistent. He had the courage to really go for the things that he wanted to do, and his consistency was evident in what he accomplished in his life. If you look at all of his creations, you would have to say that he was curious, confident, courageous, and consistent. It is a great recipe for a full and rich life.
Seamus: I would have to say that courage is taking the first step, and confidence is how you deal once you step in. Would you say once you begin doing something that you become more courageous and confident?
Ned: Well, the courage is what initially gets you to do something, and then confidence can be achieved in the act of doing. When I trained my artists to become tattooists, the first time they tattooed an actual person was very scary for them. Throughout their training process I groomed them to be confident. I would tell them, “You’re a professional. You know more than the client does. Never present yourself in a light where the client knows more than you. They may know more about you in many topics, but in this application, you must have confidence. With confidence, you’ll win the client’s respect.”
I watched many artists, and for the ones who were confident, the clients never second-guessed them. If they didn’t have confidence in what they were doing, the client would start second-guessing them right away. The client would feel that they needed to take over the session. With a certain amount of confidence on the part of the tattooist, the client can arrest their need to control because they know they’re in good hands.
“When I was weak, I pretended to be strong. When I was strong, I no longer pretended to be anything other than what I am.”
Seamus: All right. Now we come to the last point that I want to talk to you about before we conclude this session. You say that the real secret of being strong is simply being who and what you are. Why do you think this is an important part of becoming strong?
Ned: The answer is in the question. Your real strength is to be you. There’s only one you and only you can do you. When you try to be something you are not, you are living another’s purpose. My purpose was designed for me. My most empowered moments have come from living what I know is my life to live. Sometimes strength and courage come in the act of doing. I found that many times when I needed to be strong, it happened in the moment. Just be willing to get up and move, and you’ll be surprised how much moves in the act of you just standing up.
[nb1]Block Quote these three points