Session 7: Relationships Part 2
Positive affirmation: Love is currency in relationships. The more love we pour into them, the more value they contain.
Seamus: In the last session, we were talking about the importance of having a quality relationship with ourselves. Our relationship with self spills over into our relationships with our partners. Just to recap a little bit, how is love for self paramount in cultivating quality relationships with our family, friends and partners?
Ned: When we love ourselves, we have a greater capacity to love others. I think the answer “We must love ourselves” is a cliché; however, it stands true. Until we consistently apply love for self, it will always be a topic that is under our nose.
I have met some wonderful people who are kind and caring, and yet, they still do not love themselves. By not loving ourselves, our reach into love becomes shallow or conditional in nature. Our empowerment is strengthened by our ability to apply love to self. Along with our empowerment, we are better situated to explore our purpose, for our attention is resting deeper in our heart, where the soul lives. Loving self not only enhances our lives, but it removes the burden we place on others to fulfill our endless needs, needs that could be satisfied from within.
Seamus:You just said something about how some individuals are great people, but they do not love themselves. That seems like a paradox to me. Are you saying that they are great people, or are we talking about the potential of who they could be?
Ned: I am speaking about who they are. Anyone can have great qualities, such as being caring, loving and compassionate, yet not have love for themselves. The problem with not loving ourselves is we only have access to a sliver of our potential. If you are caring, loving, and compassionate and we then add self-love, our ability to impact the world is increased.
Take me, for example. As I have learned to love myself more, my willingness and capacity to love the world has been greatly enhanced. I share love with the world daily. By learning how to love myself, I am a much better partner. However, when I lose touch with loving me, I lose my sensitivity and become irritable.
Seamus: I think that is a really motivating statement: if we love ourselves, it can affect others. I must agree that we are only living this small sliver of what is available. I think this is a power statement for people to internalize.
In the book, you share a compelling idea: “A common mistake people make is they love people the way they need to be loved.” When I read this, it really was eye-opening. There are certain ways that we need to be loved by our partners. When our partner is loving us they way they need it, they may think they are doing a good job, but that is not always the case. Sometimes we are not meeting our partner’s expectations of how they need to be loved.
Can you unpack that for us?
Ned: I brought more depth and care to my relationship when I learned how to give love the way my partner needed. In my previous relationships, I was lost in what I wanted to give my partner. I never took time to ask what their needs were.
Taking the time to learn my partner’s needs has been a godsend in my relationship. I used to get angry. I would think, “I am doing all these things for you. How could you still want more from me?” The problem was that I was not giving what they needed.
Seamus: These are very clear instructions. I cannot imagine anyone not understanding what you are sharing here. The part where this may be a challenge is, what if we do not know how we need to be loved? This comes back to the first part of this relationships chapter, where we learn to love ourselves. I think the answer may lie in knowing how to love ourselves, but what if someone does not know how to be loved, or if they feel they do not deserve to be loved?
Ned: Then we back up and learn how to love ourselves. We have already stated the importance of that. When we do not know how we need to be loved, this is where our partner can help. When something upsets us, our partner can learn what we need in that moment. My relationship with my wife is so different from my past relationships.
In the past, if my partner was struggling or angry, I would ask, “What is your problem?” I would take it personally. Now I do not personalize it. I ask, “How can I help?” or “How can I make your life better right now?” These simple but sincere questions will make the world of difference in your relationship.
If your partner has space and time to express their needs without being attacked, they can instruct you. They may need five minutes to sort themselves out, or they may need a hug. Maybe they just need you to help them take out the garbage or tend to the kids.
Seamus: Yes. That is interesting. Like you had said, if your spouse is having a difficult time you ask, “How can I help?”
Ned: That is the very thing that you need to say. It may be difficult to check yourself. Reassure yourself by saying, “I look at this as an opportunity to grow. I do not run away from difficulties.”
One of my greatest strengths is leaning into my own vulnerabilities, with a willingness to grow beyond them. Over the years, learning to lean into my own vulnerabilities and developing a willingness to grow beyond them have made me much stronger.
Seamus: The other thing that we were talking about before applies to this situation. We were talking about false labels on our emotions. What does it mean to place false labels on your relationships?
Ned: This is something I did in past relationships. If my partner behaved a certain way, I would say, “You are always moody in the mornings.” I would label the behaviour. Sometimes I would hold those labels long after they had outgrown them. Then, when we got in an argument, I would pull out all those old labels and unload. I would have a long list of problems and labels to lay onto them.
I have made it a practice now to not hold my partner to any labels. Now, it means I see my partner through more innocent eyes. You must realize that every day we wake up and we are different. Nothing stays the same, including our partners. All the events of yesterday and all the events of our future are creating who you are in this moment. The entire duration of your life, backwards and forwards, is shaping who you are, and the result is that every day you are a little bit different.
I have gone through many personal evolutions. The present me is different from the person my wife married. If my wife held me to a past standard, then she would be holding me to a very low potential. My potential and my range of ability to be who I am now is much different. I find by not putting labels on my partner, I am not holding her to a past standard. There is no longer a benchmark for either of us.
Seamus: The thing is, though, if we were to talk about you for a moment, what I understand is that you are somebody who is willing to evolve. I have known you for a few years now. You are constantly challenging yourself and taking on all these enormous tasks. I have seen you do some pretty incredible things and serve a lot of people in the community as well. You are somebody I feel is evolving, and some people may not be. Some people may be stagnant. Do you believe that?
Ned: Yes, because they are trapped in their mind.
Seamus: Right.
Ned: That goes back to the first chapter, or the first session, about the mind.
Seamus: That is the thing. What if we are not willing to evolve? What if our partners are not willing to evolve? This fundamentally works with people who strive to be better people each day. There are lots of people out there who are constantly working towards being a better person. These people identify things that need to improve and are honest and willing to make changes.
Both you and I are willing to walk through vulnerabilities. Some people, however, simply are not. If somebody is realistic and is observing their partners not making changes, you have to wonder if there is this fine line between where criticism is actually objective and when it is just placing a label. We need to be able to determine when it is realistic and when it is a fallacy.
Your partner’s perfection will shine the brightest when you hold your partner in their highest light.
Ned: I am talking about a label that is held in our mind. That does not negate communication. In relationships, communication is key. If you are seeing something in your partner, there is a time when you say, “Look, this is what I am noticing. Can we talk about that?” It is brought up in such a way that you are looking out for your partner’s needs and your mutual growth.
One thing that I will clarify: my wife and I have what we call a sacred relationship. It is based on our willingness to grow. As we get a little further down here in our dialogue, I will share more on what I mean by sacred relationship.
My wife and I do not fight and bicker and peck at each other’s weaknesses. One does not get to the depth of what relationships hold by putting labels on our partner and holding them there. I also apply this to my relationships with friends, family and clients. In the past, if I observed anger in you, I might hold you to that standard. People tend to expect to find you right where they left you.
Seamus: When I challenged you, you said this boils down to communication. If we notice a shortfall in our spouse, the responsible thing is to address that in a way that is constructive. Do you think that a bad relationship boils down to poor communication?
Ned: Many do. Relationships are complex, with many dynamics. My wife and I do not play ego tug-of-war. Our relationship is about healing our wounds and setting down our egos.
Seamus: There is a quote in the book, too, that certifies what we are talking about. It reads, “Make it a priority to let your partner know they never have to earn your love or qualify for it.” What is the depth of that message?
Ned: I realized that, in my relationship, it is my job to let my partner know that they will never lose my love, that my love is unconditional. This is an important thing to do for your partner. This establishes a safe and trusting environment between two people. We do this by loving our partners when they need it the most. I was talking about this earlier. When your partner is not at their best, then you step in and ask, “How can I help you?” not “What is your problem?” That approach demonstrates that if they are having a bad day, your love is not going to be retracted. If we do not love our mates when they need it the most, then what good is it?
Seamus: I see this in people’s relationships. They demand that their partners prove their love to satisfy their insecurities.
Ned: That is conditional love. It is the ego wanting to be pacified. When we love our partner conditionally, it is almost like we are lending our love to them because we expect to get it back. It is like we have tied a string to the love we are giving. If we feel we are not getting enough love, we pull it back. It is not really love that we are offering when we need it returned. Our love becomes a bargaining tool of the ego.
Seamus: We talked about how it is a bargaining chip, like a currency of some sort.
Ned: That is right.
Seamus: Another thing I am curious about is if we have a problem or concern about anything, we may feel vulnerable when expressing our feelings. This is particularly difficult for some men. How do we find the humility and courage to openly communicate with our partners?
Ned: In my book I have a quote: “Vulnerability lives comfortably in deeper relationships.” I believe this to be true. When I learned to be vulnerable, I became more honest. It opened up a more truthful dialogue between my wife and me.
When someone is vulnerable with you, they are asking you for your trust. If you tell me something that makes you feel vulnerable, you are doing that out of the trust you have in me. This is my opportunity to step in and say, “You are safe to do that. It is okay for you to be vulnerable.” Trust in our relationships builds a bond that goes deeper. Trust not only builds a deeper relationship; it also builds communication.
I want to know where I need to love my partner the most. I want to know if my partner is feeling vulnerable. That is when I want to take her by the hand and walk with her or hold her, do whatever she needs me to do in that moment.
Seamus: I would like to add that if your partner comes forward with something that they feel vulnerable about expressing, like something they have done wrong, the person on the receiving end now has responsibilities as well. We must be responsible enough not to rub it in the face of the other person and say, “See, I told you. You are wrong.” We must be gentle and reciprocating back to that person to make them feel good about sharing.
Ned: In a deep relationship there is no tit-for-tat mentality. It has no place in a deeper relationship. The “I told you so’s” or waiting for your partner to fail so you can insert your dominance of being right does not work. In the deeper, committed relationship, you support your partner in their growth, you support them in their failures, and you never step on them when they are down. This truth has built such a strong line of trust between my wife and me. I know if I feel down she has my back.
Seamus: You also mentioned something that I personally have never thought of before: it is so common for us to plan for the future. Just about everybody does this, usually with finances or the kid’s college fund et cetera. You say in your book that you have planned for rainy days in your relationship. Can you expand on that a little bit?
Ned: When I worked in the factory, they were getting ISO 9000 certification. To obtain it, they had to create procedure manuals on everything. It was a daunting task. In these procedure manuals, they had to figure out all the mishaps that could happen and create a protocol to remedy problems that arose.
Those ISO manuals were exceptionally handy when things went wrong. We had a clear and concise procedure to follow. I thought, “Why not apply that to our relationship? Why not talk about what we will do when difficult times arise?” This is how we planned it. I would ask my wife, “When you get angry, what do you need?” I shared with her my tendencies and my most vulnerable bits. I would say, “I can be a really hot and cold person. If I suddenly go cold, I can have flashes of anger. When my anger flashes, I need you to love me.” We shared with each other our deepest, darkest faults and behaviours.
Seamus: Think about this, too. Not only are you assembling a battle plan to defuse situations, stop them from getting out of hand, but you are also sharing your vulnerabilities, which creates trust.
Ned: That is how I learned that vulnerability lives comfortably in a deeper relationship.
Seamus: How do desires affect our relationships?
Ned: When desires come into relationships they can make things difficult. We may have expectations of our partners, or desires. We must be willing to talk about them. We cannot hold anything back; secret desires are like pointing a car towards a brick wall. Expectations or desires, if not expressed, are a breeding ground for disappointment.
When we desire something from our partners, I think it is important to ask ourselves, “Can they give that to us?” Be honest with yourself. I think we know whether our partner can or cannot provide what we want. If our loved ones cannot give us what we are asking for, do not ask. If you do ask your partner, then be willing to hear “no” as an answer if they cannot.
Also, I have learned that when my wife says no, it is not because she does not care about me or that she does not want to. It is because she cannot do it, or at least not right now.
Seamus: Now, here is a situation. When people invest in their relationships they become more attached. Here is a story that I read. If I am not mistaken, it was during World War II and the Russians were building these tanks that cost a lot of money. A lot of research and development went into them. However, they were bad; they should have scratched them. Instead, they invested more into these tanks; they kept trying to make them better. They kept investing in them because they had already gone so far with them.
Some relationships may not be working, but because you have spent years with the person, you keep investing in a losing battle. Maybe you are married and a divorce is going to be messy because you own a house together, or you have kids. It is not a simple matter of walking out the door and then saying goodbye. There are a lot of legal things involved. For those people who are continually investing in those relationships, what is your advice? Because that gets kind of tricky.
Ned: It is tricky for your ego. It is only your ego that is going to have a problem with stepping out of that. Your heart and soul know exactly what is purposeful in your life. If you get really clear with your soul and your heart, then following that becomes the most important thing to do. Whatever happens from doing that is purposeful.
A purposeful life is most important. If it is purposeful to stay, then do that. But there must be a willingness to communicate with your partner and to do everything you can to create a better relationship. Make an honest attempt to do everything you can to communicate what is not working and express your needs, then follow your heart.
The heart is a difficult travel companion. What the heart knows may not make sense to us, and our mind does not always agree with it. However, my mind only knows its desires, but my heart knows my destiny. By trusting our heart, we are never left guessing. I also trust that my answers will be given when I need them, not when my mind demands them. When I ask my heart something, I need to be silent so I hear the answers when they come.
Our mind is the only thing that ever has a problem or is in conflict. The heart has no problems. There are never heart problems, ever. There is no such thing as a heart problem. Our soul has no problem. It is never in conflict, or at odds, or against, or for—it just is. It knows what is, and it accepts what is.
Seamus: What is the highest form of respect that we can pay to our partner?
Ned: It is to love without need. That has been one of the great things that I have learned with my wife: to really love her without needing. A couple of years ago, I was ordained, something I never thought would happen. I never thought that I would have the privilege to marry people. I read the following passage in every wedding I do. If any of the readers out there ever make it to a wedding that I officiate, you will hear this.
The commitments [JM1] you are making are just a starting point for each of you to go forth from. As your love grows and matures, may you each find your own unique way to express your love for yourself and each other.
Love is currency in relationships. It adds significant value and depth to the bond that is created by each of you. The more love you pour into your relationship, the more value it contains.
May this union we are creating here today be filled with so much love that it spills into everything you do, separately and together. May your love grow strong enough to be a beacon of light for others to find their way, through you. May the words that we express here today find their way into your daily life with each other. I invite you to re-visit your vows and this ceremony we have shared here today.
In marriage, we support each other’s greatness, we hold each other in perfection. Not that we will be perfect, but because it offers the highest respect for each other. May you never lose sight of the relationship you have created together, for it is sacred. It becomes sacred the moment we love one another. By revering the bond you have created as sacred, you both become protectors of this union.
The last part, about holding each other in perfection, is something that I have practised with my wife. I hold her in the highest respect. I hold her in perfection. Her soul is perfect and without error. When we hold our partners in perfection, we offer them a place to rise up to their greatness in life.
In a loving relationship, we do not make lists of our partner’s flaws and then reel that out when we are upset with them. We never poke or play jokes on our mates or make fun of them. I am not saying not to have fun; rather, it is important that our partner is not the recipient of our practical jokes. When our relationships are regarded as sacred, we pay the highest respect to each other.
Seamus: Yes, that is fantastic. The thing that comes to mind with that is the old saying, “Reach for the stars.” Even if you do not touch the stars, you are going to end up going very far in your relationship, if this is your trajectory.
I like what you say, too, about practical jokes. I have done it before—I poked at Amanda, made fun of her. Not in a mean way; a lot of times, she actually does laugh and sometimes she does not.
Ned: I, too, have behaved that way in my past. With good emotional intelligence, you will be able to tell when things are not funny anymore. Lisa and I have tons of humour in our relationship. We plan to laugh our way into an enlightened state with each other.
Seamus: Now, the other part of your speech that you present when you marry people is “A Sacred Relationship.” When you hear the words “sacred relationship,” you immediately get the sense that this is very important, that there must be something quite significant to it. I did not understand what that meant when I first heard it. Can you explain what it means?
Ned: I learned about this when I was an Ishaya monk. They talked about deeper relationships. The concept introduced to me by them was something I wanted to bring into my current relationship. Here is my concept of a sacred relationship.
Sacred relationships take you deeper into the purpose of relationships and are built on unconditional love, respect, trust, and the inclusion of devotion to one another. In your devotion to each other, it is important to never lose sight of yourself. A sacred relationship is based on deepening your bond with each other, yourself and God. There is a devotion to assist and guide each other in the fulfillment of each other’s purpose.
In the past I had no interest in assisting my partner to look to God. I did not support my partner’s greatness, either. I poked at her weaknesses. I look back at that now and think, “My gosh, I have a lot to say sorry for.” I have called my ex-wife, though, to say, “Hey, I’m sorry. What I did was wrong.” It allowed her to know that I feel that it is important to make amends for the mistakes I made. A sacred relationship is a very different type of relationship than any I had in the past.
Seamus: You were just saying that there have been times when your behaviours were less than acceptable in previous relationships. I, too, have been there. I’m still with my wife. We have been together for eleven years, and I have addressed those things before. How did you make amends with your past relationships?
Ned: I felt making amends was important. When I woke up to my shortcomings from my past, I did not dwell on them or put myself down. That would be counterproductive. As part of my empowerment I felt I needed to go back and listen to my ex-wife and say, “Can you tell me some of the ways I did not love you?” so that I learned how not to make the same mistakes now.
I had to be willing to be vulnerable. I think it is important to realize and accept my flaws. Invariably, we all have a past, and there may be parts we are not proud of. I feel it is key to heal and love ourselves through that.
Seamus: When you were talking to her after the fact and said, “What were the things that I did that were not loving?” Do we have to make amends to those we were cruel to or not fair to?
Ned: It can be an important part of healing, and I know that it is part of some programs such as Alcoholics Anonymous. When people are going through AA, they will write letters to the people who were affected by their behaviour. I remember when I started to wake up, when I became friends with that doctor and he helped me heal—I realized and could see the mistakes I made in my youth. Part of my healing was to take responsibility for my past.
I remember when I was a young teenager there was a lady at the end of my street who was heavyset. I used to yell profanities and make fun of her. Her husband would get quite upset and when he yelled back at me I would tell him off. When I woke up and I looked at my life, that was one of the things that stood out. I remember feeling so terrible that it brought me to tears. I was upset that I had mistreated these people whom I knew nothing about. I knew I had to go and talk to that person. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done.
While standing at their doorstep I had hundreds of thoughts bombarding my mind like, “They are going to think I am the biggest idiot or maybe they are going to get angry with me. Who knows what will happen?”
When they opened the door, they did not recognize me. I introduced myself and I said, “I used to live up the street and I wanted to tell you something I am not proud of. I used to call your wife names.” The husband did remember me by this point. Next, I said, “I have grown in my life and I realize how terrible it was for me to do that. I have come here today to say I’m sorry.”
They both were just nodding their heads. They said, “Thank you for coming to say that.”
They were accepting and appreciative of my apology. I realized the very people that I was attacking were people who could have taught me how to love more. In that moment I learned so much humility, and my vulnerability gave me a great lesson.
Seamus:That is a great story, because that is a situation where you could have convinced yourself, “Well, enough time has passed. What good is it going to do if I go there and apologize for things I did a long time ago?”
Then to commit to the idea and get all the way to their doorstep. That must have been uncomfortable for you.
Again, going back to the mind and how it can be elaborate in creating scenarios that may not actually happen or exist, I’m sure you walked away feeling better for doing that.
Ned: I did. It helped me let go of my shame and my guilt. Those two emotions register at such a low level. The emotions of shame and guilt will drag you the furthest into your disempowerment. Anything that holds shame or guilt for you—the faster you can get over that, get beyond it, heal it, let it go, burn it up, do it! It is so important to your empowerment and your ability to love.
Seamus: Getting back to sacred relationships, how does our ego get in the way of a sacred relationship?
Ned:Let us start by defining the term ego. Your ego is a voice in your head that you think is you. It is a collection of ideas that you have built in your mind: your likes, your wants, your fears, your compulsions, your behaviours, et cetera. All these things make up the ego, and all of which are not you. You are a soul.
The basis of a sacred relationship is one where we are getting to know a greater depth of who we are. If we are engaged in the ego, we are not in our soul. Getting to know who you are is how you bypass the ego and learn how to engage in a sacred relationship with another.
Relationships can bring some of our greatest joys and carry a multitude of lessons for us to come into union with ourselves and each other.
[JM1]Again, ask your formatter to set this as a block quote to make it stand out visually from the rest of the text.