This is The Eds with Eddie, Judge and Edwin Aoyavi the Husband's know Best, a too cheese production. Here we go The Eds are back, Episode ten. Bro, can you believe that we are right?
And it's flying? And well? I think we're pros now.
I think we know what we're doing now.
Now I don't know do we still have that five star? I have to check back.
I got to check with our team. I haven't reviewed watched the reviews lately, but and this is a good time to mention that it is important to send those reviews in because it does help us understand what we're doing right and what we're doing wrong. So please please keep sending us the reviews. Today we are going to talk about what makes or breaks a relationship, fighting and communication.
This is going to be a very interesting one and one that I'm going to have to go deep in because I'm a completely different person today when it comes to fighting and communication than I was when I was young.
Same here, yeah, yeah, you know.
One of the interesting things that that that comes up is like, what what was our communication model when we were young? I mean, who who did you look up to or learn from? How to you know? Quote unquote. I think that's the key is how do you fight and how do you fight to get to the next level of productivity versus fighting to just kill each other? Right, I think there's a big difference. So who was your like role model? Was it parents or.
I would think parents. I mean, my again, my dad was is a wonderful man. He's still my hero. There's so many great things I learned from him. Yeah, one of them was like, make sure you always take care of your mom. But he did have a different way of communicating when I mean, he was very stern and I mean if I would i'd mess something up, he would basically kick my ass and I was scared of him, and God forbid, I would cry in front of him
because then he'd give me something to cry about. Yeah, so you know, that level of communication for me was you know, sometimes now, like my son starts crying out of nowhere for nothing, it almost takes me back to those moments, right. It triggers me and then I want to react the way my dad used to react with me,
and then I got to hold myself right. And it's that sort of self awareness is self mastery in many ways, because you know how to like maybe stop yourself, because you could very easily go revert back to kind of what you're used to, which is, hey, you're crying. I'm going to give you something to cry about. Like you shouldn't be crying. You are a man. You're not supposed to cry a kind of deal, right, Like that's what I remember.
As a kid, That's how I remember it too. Yeah, And I are you saying that at this point as a father yourself, you don't think it's a productive way of treating your child, your male child, or is there a better way? What do you tell what do you what are you telling me?
I think love is always the best way, right than fear. I think love would always cast out fear. That said, it's easier said than done, right because you want to go there. But when that doesn't work, you you immediately want to go to all right, let me just put fear into them, right, you know? For me, you know, Teddy's been a big help with that with me and
just you know, helping me with that stuff. Uh. But you know, sometimes I gotta raise my voice style like that's that's still one that I revert back to, is that tonality of raising the voice and and and and getting that sort of reaction. Once I the boys, I kind of get, you know, get them to calm down. I don't know, I don't think it's the best way to do it. But that's sometimes where I'll revert back to that that I'm still trying to work on, you know, Like it gets a lot to get me upset. But
if I get upset, it's not good. Yeah, but it takes a lot. Like you really don't push my buttons.
Yeah, And there's really only one person in this world that knows that combination. And I think it's for you too. It's our wives. They know the right combination to push to get piss us off. Outside of them, nobody really pisses me off, right, Yeah, nobody bothers me. The interesting thing that you mentioned just now by your son getting emotional.
I remember when I was a kid, I was emotional, and when I was either getting bullied or upset, or anxious or just really angry about something, I would cry, and I would I didn't have a father like you to tell me, you know, if you cry, I'm going to give you something to cry about. I had either uncles or friends that would portray that message. And I would be mad at myself because I was crying. I'm like, I should not be emotional. I should not be crying
right now. I should be upset, ready to kick somebody's ass. Why am I emotional? I'll never forget that, those moments when I just couldn't control those those emotions. Right.
How did that whole bullying thing happen? Well, because I know that happens a lot in school too.
Now, Yeah, I mean the bullying varied between you know, the bigger kids picking on the little guy, and that's just that's normal. The other bullying would be in the neighborhood where you know, predominantly white and you have a Mexican kid and they're picking on you because you're a Mexican, right, or just little things like that. Never really, I've been in one fight, really physical fight in my entire life.
And it was in high school and I was sick and I didn't even know why I was fighting, but I went and fought, and you know, all meetrue other after school and we got in a fight and it was a I think he ended up winning, but it was pretty much a draw because I wasn't myself. I was sick, I had a cold. I couldn't keep up. But ever since then, I said, this doesn't resolve anything,
This didn't do anything. You know, I still hate the guy, and I learned from that point, like you know, I just tried to avoid any physical conflict from this point forward. But in that journey, the biggest challenge for me was how do I manage these emotions that you know, when I'm really really upset and this is really young, I just want to cry. And today I think it would helped me tremendously. Was reading a book called Emotional Intelligence,
and they had a sequel emotion Emotional Intelligence too. And and of course you remember I took acting classes in college that all helped me really get in touch in control of my emotions. And now that I'm older, I find that, you know, there's always a story behind somebody on the other side that makes him act or be the way they are. You know, somebody, for example, you're driving down the street and I used to get really
upset with road rage when people cut me off. And you know, again when I was younger, I'm like, you know, what do you think you are cutting me off? Right? But they could be you know, late to work, or they could be running to their grandmother because she's sick, or you know, whatever the reason is, it's best to just let them have it and not, you know, not say anything right, not get upset, not not escalate the problem that didn't even really exist before. He's just cutting
you off right. More recently, I learned sort of the hard way. I was writing my Harley to go pick up some shirts, some sample shirts at this print shop that my buddy owns, and I was just cruising, having a good time, and this guy cuts me off on the freeway exit and he literally cut me off. I know he saw me coming because I got these huge bright headlights on my bike, and so I went around
him and I just gave him the finger. And he was in this little Honda black Civi Conda, and he got pissed off and he chased me down for like a mile. He chased me down all the way until I got to the shop. I pulled up into the shop, obviously my friend's there and now his employees, and the guy gets out. I was like, well, you flipped me off, and I'm like, you really want to get down through it. I mean, this guy was breaking the law doing you know, you turns like he he If you didn't know it,
you would think he's trying to kill me. And it was a pretty bad situation. That taught me like, yeah, maybe from now and forward, don't flip anybody off. Don't escalate the problem, because you never know what is wrong with their life, all right.
Yeah, there's people that have gotten shot over that, So you just don't know who you're at the time and who you might be flipping off, and they might just be having a horrible the whole ole day and they might just pull a gun on you.
Right. Yeah. A buddy of mine recently had the same experience, but he didn't flip the guy off. He just he was on the freeway and this guy was just going in and out of traffic, one of those idiot drivers, right that is just it's a matter of time before
he's going to cause an accident. And he came up to my friend, you know, pretty hard behind him and swerved away, and my friend just lifted his hand, you know, his arm up like what you know, and the guy chased him down all the way into the exit of the freeway, and my buddy's like, you know what, I don't want anything to do with this guy. This guy's a nut job. And he ended up writing he exited the freeway, and the guy exited the freeway and he
went around him and stopped in front of him. He started backing his car up, and my buddy just turned around and went the wrong way on the freeway off ramp, going like, yeah, what is wrong with these people that they're so crazy they want to kill you?
Well, you know what's interesting is, you know we talked about like how do you stop you know, reacting right, And and that's where meditation comes in, right, because meditation allows you to focus and it allows you to like respond instead of react to things, because sometimes you won't even know you're doing it right, So it's like something will trigger you and then all of a sudden you'll
just get anger. But if you can again, if you could focus so much and you could be aware of like, okay, this is just this is a trigger that's going to make me do it, and you could actually respond to it versus reacting. I think for me that's what like meditation has been helping me with quite a bit. Yeah, because now I could I could almost see what's going to happen before it's it's like it just doesn't trigger
me anymore. But like I think of like, you know, there's been you know, past relationships where because of their past just anything, you would say something and it's all of a sudden they're in your face and they want to box it out. Yeah right. And I've dated women like that that that I have wanted to just box it out. Like the minute you you god forbid you said a word, yeah, and all of a sudden it was like, okay, let's let's I'm gonna I'm gonna punch you in the face kind of deal, you know, and.
You're like, whoa, wow, Wow. Yeah, I I haven't experienced that. I think it's a real thing, especially because I've seen guys you know.
Who gets right. There's guys thing right.
Yeah, the guys do. It's it's more predominantly that that guys you know do that. But I'm sure there's women out there that are very you know, angry, and and that's there, I guess way of handling a situation. I mean, growing up Latinos, we're pretty much stereotype as my cheese. Most and and that's how most Latino men are, like Rye and you know, mess with me or my family, right. And the funny thing is, for me, I think it was experience and all that helped me become more understanding
of the world. Right when I was young, I would say that I'm pretty ignorant to the world, you know, the realities of the even in my especially in my twenties, right when you think you know the whole what the world's all about, right, everybody in their twenties things they
got it all in control. But it wasn't you know, until I experienced just life and learning, you know, especially being illegal and watching some of these unnecessary cases come across your desk and you're like, these guys are fighting over trash cans left outside of their you know, front yard, or you know, parking in front of your neighbor's front of your neighbor's house. You're fighting about that. It opens up your eyes to all the stupidity out there of
people getting upset and fighting over nothing. Growing up, I used to hang out with all kinds of people, including gang members, right. And the mentality with a gang member group is you mess with my my homie, I'm gonna kick your ass. You know, you got to get through me to get through my homie, and that taught me the lesson of Okay, there's loyalty involved here, but why would I put myself in the line of fire over some dude, you know, especially if the dude deserved it, right,
It didn't make any sense at the time. It doesn't make sense now and I completely understand it today. It's just the way they value their relationship, and that's what puts value in their in their life. Right. It's not much different if somebody is threatening my family, if somebody is you know, that's the hardest part when it came to the show. It's like, all right, you're you're in my wife's face, you know, and you're a guy and you're you're arguing with my wife. You know, what the
hell am I supposed to do? Initially? I just want to lean over, reach over this table here and beat the shit out of you, right and get physical. But the reality is, ay, it's a television show. It shouldn't get to that point. B You're gonna look like the idiot because you're arguing with the woman on TV. Right, And see, it's kind of not real, you know, this is all fabricated shit that doesn't really mean anything or matter ultimately right. So that's helped me really in that situation.
But if it was a real life situation where some drunk or some you know woman attacks my wife, like, I don't know what I would do. It's almost like a case by case, you know what I would I just try to separate them. Would I get involved? If somebody punches me? What do I do? You know, it's it's kind of scary. This world is getting a little bit more and more fearful, in my opinion.
Do you remember fighting? What was your last fight with with a girlfriend? Was that a big one or.
The last real fight with the girlfriend? And it was the only reason it was a fight. It was way before camera. The only reason it was a fight was because she would not let me go. You know, she wanted to just make sure we tried everything on this relationship. She was she was an mba very highly educated, very motivated woman, very inspired, inspiring. But you know, we knocked heads and I just didn't like the way she tried to control everything and I was out. I'm out. I
don't want to be in this relationship anymore. And it literally took probably a month, you know, to get out of that relationship. That was the first time I've ever felt like, you know, kind of threatened, like, I mean, what do you mean You're not gonna let me go? What do you mean We're not breaking up? We're breaking up. It's over. Yeah, But that was the only time I've ever felt kind of uneasy about a conflict with with with a girlfriend. To her, they've been pretty easy, you know,
I have. I had this attitude before I met Tama that as soon as something was wrong in the relationship, I just go bye bye. You know, I'm done. I can't deal with this. And I think it's part of my experience growing up, you know, just not really having a guide or an example of how to deal with conflict, but more how do I protect myself? You know, how do I protect my my feelings and my emotions when you know this relationship is not working out? I'm out? And I didn't learn the value of it until I
met Tamra. And you know, we had a few for her first few fights and I was like, Okay, I'm out, and she's like, but I mean you're out, We're not out. We're going to work through this, and and she totally pulled me in. But in a very positive way, you know, and taught me the lesson like, no, this is we're in love and we got to make this work. And
and it really opened up my eyes to it. Again, It's a life experience that I never had because I never had those examples or the or a book that I can read to tell me this is how you handle conflict if in case, this is the scenario you find yourself in.
Right, m hmm, what about you.
Have you had any adverse fights or anything like that in relationships when you're in a relationship with crazy girl.
Yeah, I mean, definitely had my share of fights. Definitely had my share of back to back women that were I guess, very aggressive, I should say so. A couple of times. One tried breaking a couple of TVs in my house, tried to mess up a couple of things at the house, a couple of imagine that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, so it was it was interesting dealing with that. Yeah, I think you know, one thing my my dad always taught me too, is you know, never to hit a girl, right.
Yeah, yes, that was I don't know where I learned that, but that was one of the most important things. And yep, it's hard to understand though, because what if she hits you first?
And right?
No, yeah, right, how do you handle it then?
Right? So that's you know, that's a tough one, right when when you're getting struck first and all that. But you know that was that's always been like my dad was always like, hey, you don't touch a girl. I don't care what they do, you just you don't go there.
Yeah.
So again, I think you pick up a lot of stuff when you're young, and uh, I think that helped me control myself during those moments. Yeah, and also know that it's just you know, you react to one of those moments and you're gonna end up in the in a bad place there. So yeah, yeah, so's it's interesting because especially when you're younger, Right, when you're younger, you
don't know as much. I mean, you know, now it's funny because not funny, but like Teddy and I, one of the few times we get in an argument, she's the type that will not go to sleep until it gets fixed, right, So she wants to talk it out. She wants to get it fixed and go to sleep. I'm not that way. I'm like, let me go to sleep and I'll be fine. In the morning. Yeah so, but because I shut down, I just it. Just when I shut down, I shut down. If I get pissed,
it's like I got no emotion, no emotion whatever. It just I don't even know how it happens. It's just I just turned cold and there's nothing you can say to me. I'm just not talking now. The next day, though, I wake up like, I know myself, I'm cool, I'm good, I'm fine. But she Nope, she needs to have that conversation, and that sometimes has gotten me more upset because I'm like, just wait till the morning. I do not want to talk. Now. We'll end up doing it and it ends up being well as well.
But for me, my natural reaction is to just wake up the next morning talk about it then, because I'm calm and my emotion is back. She wants to figure that stuff out, like on the spot.
I think I'm exactly the same way and when, and what I've learned in my experience and analyzing as much as I can about it is that I personally rather shut down and calm myself down and get my thoughts, collect my thoughts, and manage my emotions, because if I'm pushed and cornered into a wall. I am going to come out fighting and saying the worst things that could come out of my mouth and mean it right. Yeah,
So I know this about me. And every single time I've ever been in a situation in a relationship, and I think it's only been two one is my current relationship with my wife. She's like teddy, she wants to resolve it before she goes to bed. She wants to talk it through da da da, And if I'm not in control, I'm like, don't talk to me right now.
It just just leave me alone. It took probably maybe three to six scenarios where that happened, and my wife finally learned like, Okay, I don't want to push him right now because I know he's about to lose it, right And I've gotten to the point where I just remind her, hey, listen, is this not a time to talk about it. If you keep pushing it, I'm gonna lose my shit. And of course she's so pissed, like are you threatening me? I'm like, I'm promising you. You
know how I can get you know. And that's the thing that I learned is I hated those moments when I did lose my shit and I lost control and I said some horrible things. But once I've calmed down and I apologize and we talk it through, because that's important. You both have to be in the frame of mind to be able to communicate, clear minded, right, and emotionally ready to accept whatever caused the issue. If you're both
in that place, it's going to be effective. But if one of you is shut down because it's like a time bomb ready to explode, and the other one's just trying to push because they want to get to the other side, you know, I don't want to deal with this anymore. I just want to just get into a fight and get over with and move on. Right. That's kind of what Icy my wife does. She's really good about just get into a fight, get it over with, and then then after it's done, ah, I love you, honey,
it is like nothing happened. And one of the cool things is that she doesn't necessarily bring it up again, right like some other women that I've dated, where you know, ten years from now is like remember that moment, Like, no, I don't remember that, but yeah, I think it took actually fighting and navigating through the conflict between my wife and I for us to learn how how to fight right, to learn what is my max threshold, what's her max threshold?
What are her you know, soft buttons and her triggers and what are my triggers? And unfortunately it had to be a fight before we found out, Okay, I'm not going to push her right now, or I'm not going to push him right now. And I'm not saying that. You know, it's the perfect way of communicating. It's it's working for us, you know when when it when it
comes to conflicts. But at the same time, we're at the point in our relationship where like, yeah, I really don't want to bring that up because it's just going to be a fight. It's kind of like where are the landmines right now? Because I don't want to go down that path.
Well, I think to your point, right, when you get you get to know your partner right where again, I'm the same way. If you push me and you continue to push me, I'm going to know exactly what to say to like hurt you. Yeah, but I'm only going to go there like if you really really pissed me off, and and I'm the same way, let me just go to sleep. Let me go to sleep, cause I already know I'm a taking time bomb. I'm a taking time bomb if you keep pushing, pushing, pushing, So now you know,
it's like she kind of knows. All right, I'm just gonna let them wake up in the morning. We'll talk about it in the morning. And I am a total different person in the morning, like I'm it's like new day. I'm in a good mood. I'm good.
You know.
So you said about that, right, Yeah.
The interesting question I have is what why are our wives like that? Why do they feel they have to get it resolved right away? You know, what's the psychology behind that? And what what what can I do to help them feel better about, you know, not giving in and fighting with them, you know, to resolve it because it doesn't work for me. It might work for them,
but it doesn't work for me. You know, what can we do to help the situation so they feel like okay, maybe you know, maybe it is okay to wait till the morning to get in a fight, or what is it that that makes them feel like I just got to get in the fight and get it over with and then I'll move on, you know, because I've seen that a lot in my wife at least, Like, Okay, we fight, we you know, sometimes we can't help ourselves and we say something stupid, and then ten minutes later
we're back to normal. That can never happened. But maybe it's just that it's maybe it's just like, let's just get it over with and move on, versus I don't want to get over with. You know, I am ready to explode because of the scenario we're in, and I need some time to just calm down. So please let me calm down before we talk about this.
Right, That's a good question, and I've been trying to figure that one out myself. I mean, how do you right? But you know, it's interesting for me too. I'm you know what, sometimes it takes me a couple of days to forgive, right. Yeah. It's like, are you gonna apologize? Like I got nothing to apologize, You should be apologizing
to me, right yeah? And then after a couple of days, you're just like, all right, let's you just kind of have fun with it at that point because you're all right, right, But there is something to be said about you know, forgiveness and gratefulness are unseparable. Right, they're inseparable, I should say, yeah, And bitterness and ungratefulness are also inseparable. So you know, you got to be careful with not forgiving because you become bitter and then you become ungrateful, and then that's
how that relationship starts to drift. Right, you know the opposite again. You you forgive somebody, then all of a sudden, you're grateful for it again. You know, those two things are inseparable, forgiveness and gratefulness.
I think though, to your point earlier, I think you hit the nail on the head and when it comes to communicating, love is the most important thing that can get you through anything, any hardship, any situation. Not saying that it's going to be you know, bunny bunny tails and you know, beautiful life. It's going to be hard. But as long as you have love, you have something really powerful that is worth fighting for. Right.
Yeah.
I think that's what's really helped me with my relationship with my wife, is like, we have love and it's worth the fight. It's worth learning how to fight and how how to get to the other side together versus a part. I think that's the you know what.
I haven't tried, and I'm just it's like, a I don't know. I just I've never really understood why shouldn't say I never tried it. I tried it once therapy, and I tried it once just because Teddy's like, we should go to therapy because you know, we're going through a tough time, and I felt like all I'm doing is talking. I'm not getting any They're not solving my issue. I'm sitting here like I'm just talking away for an
hour and I just got charged whatever it was. I don't know, a thousand bucks, and I'm like, talk, you did, just hear me talk? I could. I could hear myself talk all day long, but I never you know, that's that's that's been. I've never really understood that one. It's always I don't know if it's because the way I was I was brought up, but I'm not saying therapy is wrong. I want to clear that up. But in my head, I'm just like, I don't why do I need therapy.
I'm yeah, I'm good. I've never had therapy. I've never experienced that, And a lot of it had to do with the fact that we couldn't afford it growing up, right, So we.
Write same thing, But I feel like everything now is you need therapy for this, you need therapy for that.
I'm like, well, my understanding on the effectiveness of therapy is kind of like a friendship. They got to get to know the real you. And one of one of my closest friends is my wife. But it took I don't know, thirteen years to get to this point.
Yeah, therapy.
Yeah, there's some level of professional psychology that that you know is behind a lot of their credentials, but I have never experienced it. I have, I don't. I'm not against it for the record. I think it works for some people. But I think the value in talk with your partner and communicating is therapy in and of itself. But the most important part is is that your partner has to understand that communication is when both of you
actually understand what each other says. And if you're just discounting what one person is saying because you're thinking about what you're going to say, you're not communicating right. You're so upset and you're stuck on that subject and I just want to get my point out so he hears me, and you're doing the same thing and it just becomes
a fight. So that's where the third party comes in and allows you to put you in one corner and the other one in the other corner and like, Okay, catch your breath and listen to yourself talk and you'll figure it out.
Yep.
I think that's the effectiveness of it. I mean, obviously a lot of people have taken therapy and it's helped tremendously, and some people go through therapy their entire life because sometimes it's hard to find somebody you can really trust one hundred percent. You know, you gotta It's like our our forum brothers and sisters, right when you're in forum, those are the people you trust. Those are the people
that know pretty much everything about you. And where else are you going to go and do that if you don't have that? Did you ever we talked a little bit about this, did you ever figure out your wife's love language?
She is definitely one of the choices on those Again, I want to say, she's the words of affirmation. She's all about her. I want my card for our birthday, I want our card for our anniversary, and I'm like, well, I didn't get you the card but I wrote you a nice post on Instagram. I mean, the card just gonna probably throw it away, you guys, I know, I just did an awesome post for you on Instagram. It doesn't get better than that. But she is definitely a
word of affirmation person for sure. And that is not my love language.
That is yours.
No, that's not like, that's not yours.
What's yours?
I'm not a like, let me write you this long poem like, it's not me. I like acts of service, okay, Like I like being taken care of. I like, uh yeah, So Teddy doesn't cook that much anymore, but like when she'd back in the day, when I'd come home and she'd have dinner cooked and she'd serve me. That was cool. Actually, funny thing about funny thing about Teddy is so my mom. You know, growing up, she she just always took care of me. I'm like a big mama's boy, So she
always served me. Like, so when ted Teddy and I were dating, Mom would always come and serve me and all that good stuff. Right, So Teddy kind of got used to that. So whenever we'd go to parties and you know, they'd have the whole buffet style kind of thing where you'd go serve yourself. Teddy would always come serve me, right, and all her white friends that were
married wouldn't do that for their husbands, right. So Teddy's like the only white girl right there serving serving me and she brings me my plate, right, and all all her friends would make fun of her because like, Teddy, you're making us look bad. You're serving your husband and we don't serve our husband. But I think it was just you know, something that she started doing because she'd see my mom do it all the time, and she just yeah, So now I'm just not very good at
serving myself. Like whenever I do try to serve myself, I like mess up the whole freaking dinner table. And so anyway, it's like even when we go to a party, that's I'm like, hey, Teddy, can you serve me? Because I don't want to mess up the you know, they have everything on nicely sput out, and here I come, I start throwing everything all over the place. So but I just got used to that from being a mama's boy. Didn't serve myself.
It's and that will go that will give her so many brownie points, simple things like that. Little simple things like that. And as long as she doesn't have you know, her friends mocking her or telling her, what are you a slave? You know, so just people are haters for us, My wife is words of affirmation as well. But I also think she's an acts of service, so I have. What I know makes her happy is when I talk to her and tell her how great she's doing, and
you know, and put her up on a pedestal. And obviously when I do shit around the house or especially in the big Bear house, when we're putting things together or you know, upgrading this or doing that. She loves me doing stuff like that, And personally, I am the only thing for me for for the love language that's really the most prominent is the physical touch. And I don't know what it is, but I didn't have, you know, obviously parents growing up telling me and doing things for me.
In fact, for the first thirty years of my life, it was all about taking care of myself, you know, and doing my own laundry, cleaning my own house and doing all these things for myself that in my relationships the girls were like, well let me do it, you know. No, even when I married Tarma, and she's and I had.
I got to a point where I had a house cleaner doing all the house cleaning, and then of course my laundry, and my wife's like, uh uh, I am not going to have some other woman washing your underwear. I'm like, it's just underwear. I don't do my laundry anymore, you know. And I was, and it got to the point where now she wants to do my laundry because she doesn't want another woman to do my laundry.
They're gonna smell your underwear or what are they gonna do.
I don't know, I don't know. It might be one of those power trip things like you know, why is
another woman taking care of my man? Thing? Right? Because now we're back at the point where I actually prefer doing my own laundry because I have a whole system and it's just easy and efficient, and it's one of those things like Tamera does one or two loads, maybe one load every day, and you know, so she kind of rotates and is doing laundry three or four days a week, unless she's super busy, then she can she takes all day one day to do her laundry. I like to just get it all done in one day.
It's either Saturday or Sunday. I put it in, it's all organized, it comes out organized, it's easy to put away, and I'm done, right Versus I just put this load in and I where's the matching sock. Oh, it's in the next load that's going to go in tomorrow. Like it drives me nuts. So yeah, I think for me is physical touch. And if I was to pick a second one that is my love language, it's probably quality time.
I've really have valued my time now that I'm in my fifties, and I want to spend it with quality people doing quality things that you know, bring bring joy to us and and in the family. Right, So when we go to these you know events that we just went to one recently in La for Bravo and it was at a bar. I mean, it's just it was stupid, but you know, we kind of have to do it because it's part of the business. But it's not quality time.
And for us it's it's sort of like I don't want to go, bab, but she wanted me to go because she doesn't want to go by herself, Right, So I have to look at it as somewhat of quality time together. As much as I didn't want to do it, and we we did end up actually spending some quality time with Heather and Terry afterwards. We went to dinner together and we spent some quality time with them, and and they're and their boy and there and his friends
were there too. So those experiences are really what's important to me. It's it's it's just physical touch. Obviously I can only get that from my wife and my massage therapist.
But is there a therapist a man or a female female?
I could not have a guy touch me, Okay, I mean good to know. I've had a good friend who was an incredible massage therapist and he was also homosexual, but he was he was married to one of my best friends, and he was one of the most incredible therapists. He knew everything about the body and how to really help me with my pains, and I trusted him, you know, like a brother. So he's the probably the only guy that's ever worked on me. But I prefer females when I go get massaged.
Would Tamera allow you to have a hot a massage? What do they called again?
Massuse messus? I've never met one that's super hot, you know what I mean, like, holy shit. So, I mean she she's always questioning the massage thing, you know, like what's going on? How can I always get massages? Right? I'm good. I love it and it fixed and I need it. And I'm very physical and I have sore muscles and sometimes really tight joints and tight you know body, And for me, honestly, it just brings It makes me
feel good that, you know, I'm being touched now. I'm not being touched in a sexual, sensual loving way, not like the way I want my wife to touch me, but I'm being it's the therapy of massaging the sore muscles or the pain, and sometimes it's fucking painful, you know.
I have a therapist that is also incredible, and she's Romanian, super strong, and she just knows her shit and she goes in there and she it's freaking painful sometimes, and I feel good afterwards because she gets rid of the pain area, not just the but the whole pain area. And even my wife has had her work on her and she's like, oh my god, how do you deal with that? It's painful the whole time. I'm like, that's the kind of massage I like, not the pain most
full massage, but the massage is actually doing something. I don't go get massage where they're just you know, the sweetest massage which is just touching my skin and putting rocks on my body or you know, none of that. I don't like that. I like the athletic performance enhancement, you know, the physical massages, and I like going to time massage just because they stretch you, right, Oh, it's
pretty awesome. They stretch the hell out of you. They turn you into a pretzol, especially for flexible and obviously they have their own thigh technique too. So for me, it's really the therapy that makes me feel good. And obviously there's touching involved in the physical touch. So that's kind of where I sense, you know, the physical touch. Plus I'm a very physical touching kind of guy. Like I touch my wife all the time, and she loves it.
Not always, you know, because she's not a physical touch kind of person with her love language. But you know, I hug my friends, I hug everybody.
You know.
I'm just that kind of person.
I'm too.
That's how we exchange energy when I shake somebody's hand, I feel a lot of energy coming through, and it's sometimes it's not great. Most of the time, you get a sense of who you're talking to, right or who you're meeting right right. So it's important for me to touch somebody, even if I put my hand on the shoulder, I just have a sense of the energy that I get from that person, and that's that helps me understand that person better. What about fighting styles, how do you? Yeah,
do you have a fighting style? When it comes to well talked about that, you kind of shut down, right, I shut down?
Yeah, Yeah, I mean I think, Yeah, I think, I mean, I think fighting styles. I mean, I mean, I call it a superpower. I could be very encouraging, but I could also I mean, if I wanted to, I could really shoot you down, right. Yeah. So yeah, that's not where I like to go. But I guess if that's a fighting style for me, I know what words to get you, you know, But that's definitely try not to go there.
You have to be pushed into a corner, right, yeah before you.
I'm usually the opposite. I'm usually like, I think one of my superpowers is probably I'm very good at encouraging people.
Yeah, yeah, And trying to diffuse the situation.
Yeah, that also could be a bad thing if you get pushed and pushed and pushed and pushed and pushed, you could use it for the other side, you know. But yeah, but I've definitely never been an aggressive person ever. Like, it's just it. It would take a lot to get me pissed off.
I I'm the same way. And the thing I always chalked it up to was always, you know, when I ride my bike, my road bike, I've done that for since I was in high school. Every single time I ride it, and I clear my head and I just obviously the endorphins and the hormones that go through that, I feel at peace with myself so much that you can burn the house down, you can crash the car, you can take anything you want. Nothing, absolutely nothing bothers me.
So that's a great point about It's one of the reasons I love to work out in the mornings because no matter what comes after that workout, like, I'm calm because your muscles are relaxed, You're relaxed, and it's it's one of the ways you can take on a lot of resistance. Is that is the working out, because man, yeah, There's always going to be stuff that comes up and you need to be sort of relaxed, and the workouts
do that for me every morning. That's why I'm like every morning, I got to have some people take pills. I work out, you know, I hit the the treadmill of the bike, you know, something to just kind of get me relaxed. You know.
I think you're right. I think that is our superpower. I think that's what's helped me be calm and collected and be able to handle most situations that you know that I that I'm faced with, you know, whatever that is. You know, I haven't faced a death in the family. You know, I just haven't experienced that. But those are the moments where you know you need to be able
to handle life, and you have the option. You can go and get drunk and take drugs and ruin your life, or you can go exercise and you know, take care of your health and clear your mind and kind of manage your perspective on what happened just now right and handle the situation better. I mean, if I was to give any advice on you know, how to handle fighting or communicating or you know, with the spouse, I think
exercising before. I mean, you can't predict when you're going to fight, but if you can exercise on a regular basis, you're going to be pretty calm and you could definitely handle situations better. But also on top of that learning how to fight, which I learned recently, includes learning how to communicate. And when it comes to communicating, is what I mean is you understand exactly what I'm saying, and
I understand exactly what you're saying. I'm not just hearing you, I'm not just letting you talk, you know, but really just understanding each other. That takes a while because there's so many different styles of fighting and communicating and languages,
you know what I mean. Like, for example, take a person who and this is not to put people down that didn't go to college, but let's say somebody that didn't go to college, they don't have as huge a vocabulary as a physician or even worse yet, a lawyer. Lawyers have like a thousand words that they have to learn. Right when you fight with the lawyer, you're learning new
vocabulary because they throw at you. You know, a whole book of the Dictionary of Law that they they learn in college and you're like, I don't understand anything you just said, all these big words you just said, So we're not going to get anywhere, right, That's why you have to have a lawyer fight with another lawyer and
maybe they'll communicate and actually get shit done. But to me, communicating is really actually understanding what the words I'm saying and meaning behind them, and you understanding what I said. Because there's different ways I can communicate the same message, and if if I have to, I will try. You know. That's why sometimes people say the same shit five different ways, right when you're talking to them.
Tonality, yeah, total, you will make a big difference.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I mean I think it comes down to you being happy with yourself, right. I think if if you really think we're a fight starts with someone's not happy with themselves, right, And the more toxic stuff you have inside, the more that's gonna come out. Right. You can't transfer something that
you're experiencing. So if you're experiencing nothing but toxic inside of you, because that's all you're consuming, and eventually you're going to unleash that to the person you love, right, So I think you know again, it's it's It's why I think it's important to take care of yourself first. Right. For me, I get up, I do a gratitude exercise, I read scripture, I go to the gym. Those three things right off the bat put me in a pretty
good mood. Right. That makes me feel good about myself. Now, I could transfer love out right, But if you're not feeling great about yourself, you're gonna constantly want to attack people. Right. So you know, a big part of communicating communicating the right way is you got to you gotta get right with yourself. Right. So it's while I'm such a big fan of personal development rights, it's that self awareness is so key because you can't change something you're unaware of.
You can't improve on something you're not aware of. But the minute you start becoming aware of things, then you can actually improve on them. Problem is, most people aren't even aware that they're doing that. Like most people don't even aware that they get triggered and then they start saying all this stuff that they don't even realize they're It's just like people that cuss all the time, right,
they have no idea they're cussing all the time. They have no idea that every other word that's coming out of their mouth is an F word. Right. They're not even purposely saying F they're just it's a habit, right, So it's how do you stop that habit is by becoming aware of it, right.
Yeah.
So, and that's my thought on it.
And if there's people around you kind of making a point of it, that's another way to be aware of it.
Right. And you are who you associate with, right, So you start associating with your people that are all they like is talking crap. All they like is starting rumors, like that's exactly what you're going to be like, right. So, now our parents are right. You are who you associate with.
So you start associating you want to change. You start associating with people that are like the people you want to be, right, Because if you start hanging out with people that are not about gossip, you're not going to want a gossip in front of them because they'll put you. They'll immediately tell you, hey, this person's not here, man, I want to talk about them like that, right, right, And then all of a sudden you're like, oh shit, yeah,
these people don't roll like that. Yeah, So and then start changing right, So yeah, that's huge too.
Yeah, and that's interesting because that that puts her girls in a predicament. You know, they're in a career where they have to analyze all the shit talking, and it's almost inevitable that they're going to talk shit, you know, on their show. And part of that point I'm trying to make is like when they come home, are they able to shut it off or do they you know, when when they have friends over and you hear them talking, are they talking like the show?
Right, Well, we had an argument, Teddy and I had an argument not too long ago. Or I had to like tell her, hey, I think this is a you problem. Like I'm fine, Like don't like, I think you've been watching too much like crazy stuff. You need to start working on yourself a little bit, because I think this is a you problem, like she was making it seem like I was. I'm like, I'm happy. I don't know what you're talking about. I'm stop telling me I'm not happy.
Don't tell me I'm not happy. I'm actually very happy. I said, if you feel like that, that's on you, But don't try to push that on me just because you're not feeling good. You know, and we we had a good discussion around that, and I think she agreed with me. We'll see what she says to it, but I think she agreed with me, and it was right.
It's like, dude, you gotta in the mornings, you got to you gotta work on yourself because if all you're doing is watching Da Da Da Dad, Like, eventually, that's going to get in your heart and that's gonna, you know, come.
Out, that's gonna spread spread if you're not only into your relationships and all that. Yeah, No, I've seen a difference now that the show's on. My life's a little bit more on edge. And that's what I was referring to earlier about Okay, you know, maybe I don't want to bring it up right now because I know this little thing is going to blow up because she is
so pissed off about something else. Right. It's like sometimes it is about timing so and knowing your spouse, and yeah, fighting and communicating is a very complex thing and it's not something that I think is learned overnight, and certainly
not something you can learn in school. I think it's something that you acquire with your partner and learn as you go you know, and you're going to make mistakes, and hopefully you can get past those mistakes, you know, with your spouse, if you really are truly in love, I think you can get past those things. But yeah, it's tough. It's a tough subject communicating, fighting and getting to the other side with a partner or anybody for that matter. I mean, and business is different. You know,
business is pretty black and white. It's not emotional. It's like we either got the deal or we don't have the deal. But in personal, you know, I want to stay married for the rest of my life, and I want to be in love with this woman for the rest of my life, and I have to do whatever it takes to continue making it happen.
Right, At the end of the day, people just want to They want to feel like they're being seen. They want to feel like you care about them. They want to feel like they belong. Yeah, and if you can do those three things, whether it's personal, whether it's business like. But a lot of times, if you think about it, right, if you're just shut off and you don't want to hear them out, yeah, it shows them you don't care.
So now they get more upset. Right, But carrying serving all that good stuff is a good way to start.
Yeah, I mean it goes deep. It goes deep into really getting to know yourself, to understand, you know, your your good ways of communicating and your bad ways of communicating. Because I have my ways that are you know, not necessarily the greatest. And it could be just described as yelling. Right when I start getting like accused of stuff or or putting in a corner or you know, words get put in my mouth, I tend to get upset and
I tend to raise my voice. And I say this because there's there's been certain conversations I've had with my wife like you don't have to raise your voice. I'm right here, and I'm like, well, it's frustrating that you're not listening to the word I'm saying. Right.
It always comes down with, you know, when you're going to get in a fight, though, now that I think about it, it really comes down to when you're fighting and you're in that moment, it's like, for whatever reason, you want to hurt the person, right, So yeah, sometimes it's like, all right, I know what to say to hurt them. Or sometimes you're like, I know money hurts them. So I'm gonna take the money away, all right, that
four hundred bucks. I gave you that two hundred bucks, like I think of a child, right like, all right, that's it. I'm not paying for this, this, this, this, Yeah, you know you immediately want to take the money whatever it is. It's gonna hurt them, right, I'm taking your fortnite away.
Or get a reaction, You get a reaction to, you know, piss them off, right, yeah, yeah, And that's part of fighting. I think that's that's one of the normal things about you know, communication and fighting. I think it happens to everybody, Like especially if you call somebody out on their bullshit and they get defensive, they will come swinging with stupid bullshit like that, right, instead of just saying, yeah, you're right, I am an idiot. I shouldn't have done that and
you know you're right. Great talking to you brother, likewise, Yeah, I think this is very productive and until next time, Until next time,