Divorce, Deceit & So. Much. Drama. (The Valley Recap)

To Teas and a Pod.

It's Teddy Mellencamp and Camera Judge.

Hi, guys, welcome to another episode of Two Teas and a Pod with myself, Teddy Mellencamp and Tamrajudge.

Hello, Hello, Hello.

My sister's in this room and she's trying to push me over the edge by having her light flash up when she gets a text message. You know people that do that.

No, I don't know people that do that.

Well, every single time she gets a text, it's like five flashes. It flashes like twenty five times. Why yeah, why you can speak?

Oh?

Because I don't like the noise, so it alerts me when I'm at.

Work with the Oh okay, well, I just vaguely remember. I don't know who it was.

Maybe my daughter.

We're looking at Instagram and you guys were going on a walk and.

She goes, whoa is that Teddy's sister. I go, yeah, why she was because they look like twins.

Oh my god.

And she goes, but she looks really young, and I go, I go, she's you can tell your daughter to a PF right?

Your daughter?

Yeah?

So I said, she's got a twenty year old son. I go, I think when you posted your sin's birthday, I'm like, no way, you have a twenty year old. You don't even be barely look twenty years old.

I know it's not right that she has to be so adorable, but I mean.

Well, you're both adorable.

I wouldn't put me in the adorable category of things we were gonna pick. But here's the thing. If you're going to pick on her, you know she's gonna be on the pod so she can find for herself. But she doesn't need to find for her self. And now she's not athletic.

Oh not, you had all the athleticism.

How do you say athleticism? Like yesterday Cruz beat her with his eyes closed a game of horn.

By the way, I don't know if it's you or Edwin posted a picture of him and he's getting a little buff.

Well. One he walks by the mirror and like looks at himself like I got a hot bod, and two like every two weeks he's like, hey, mom, you have sick And then I would assume it's to ask me a question. He's like, can you shave my neck? And I'm like hold on, but I'm like I'm not sure I'm the one to be trusted to next shave right now. But let's go for it, buddy, good luck.

Oh he's so cute.

Really, my gosh, but he is.

You see, like, you know, just being the fitness industry for so long, you look at these kids that are like in gymnastics, are sports, and you see their little body, the muscles developed.

Well, he works out.

Dey's a crazy I know I've seen and it's like I if I had to do it all over again with kids, I would push them to do gymnastics and all these sports. I was athletic, their father was athletic. But my kids put them in sports. They were picking daisies on the field.

Yeah.

Well, it's not that Justice isn't athletic, because when she just said she was, But it's that she doesn't care, Like she doesn't care if she wins or loses. Like there's not that like meanness to her that that you have that everyone else in my family.

Well, I don't have that.

When it comes you are so full of shit. If we were to play a football game right now.

No, you you think you'd be like, oh my my younger days, I would. Now, I'm like, can I just go sit down. I don't. I don't want to break a hip right now.

That's all right.

You are your competitive I take it all.

The right now. You and I both went out there and we had a swim competition, You'd probably still went no, you you. No.

Swimming is my worst.

Swimming is my worst too. But I couldn't think of another sporting event we do in my backyard right now?

What could you do?

I mean, we wouldn't do the monkey bars. I mean, I guess we're short.

We don't play basketball.

Well, that's true. I'm not good at basketball.

I'm not good at basketball either.

Well, speaking of really up situations, we're gonna get right into The Valley Season two, episode one. I will say I watched it twice.

Well, I love that.

I printed mine and it's like microscopic and I already have bad eyes.

Yours is nice and bit bold.

We have different producers.

Yeah, should have maybe rethought this.

Well, I'm not normally Tam and I are not actually together, she said.

Idly have yellow highlights.

Well great, now you can hold it up here like this, but I can effortlessly see it like this.

It's the smallest spot ever. Thank you, Cayden, yeah.

You know what. Matt's the MVP of the font size.

Fired.

Do you want a pair of UH readers? Hold on, we got to get Tam her readers. But this is why Tam isn't competitive, because she can't see we're going to get through this. So it starts out where Britney tells Jack she's filing for divorce, seeking custody of cruise. Jack says he's going to a treatment center for a month. The season begins seven days before this. I've got to be honest about one thing. Yeah, Jack's committing to anything for a month. Gaslighting Brittany is a pretty big deal.

Could Jax possibly be the most hated person on Bravo?

Well, I'm not on Bravo, but Jack's got so much heat for his US Weekly cover that he had the I mean clearly they're very particular because they went from Jacks to me for the cover shoots. But Jax had to remove his cover from his why because he was getting so much hate. I just looked at the comments, and then there were the comments were at Halayshous, So either way Jackson, normally that's me.

But I know. But then we go on to Michelle, who moved out of the house she shared with Jesse, which I don't know what's going on here, But why are the women moving out of the houses when they get separated from their men.

My guess is that the men own the houses under their names and they're being douche lords. I mean, I mean they separated, they're waiting for their divorce to be finalized, and Jesse says co parenting is not going well. They're arguing all the time.

But I just feel like Michelle moving out was a very interesting choice because usually if you have children, the man might possibly move out so they don't interrupt the child's you know, normal life.

Well, I either way they're going to be interrupted. I think they have fifty to fifty custodies, So either way, they're interrupting the kid's life because they the kid. I love that we're calling it the kid. What is her kid?

Isabella?

Isabella would have to go to his house as well. But I think the reason that she moved out is because she's the one that moved on. I think he would have stayed married to her.

Yes, yes, he absolutely would stay married to her. And I think that you know her, what.

Did she cheat?

Well? Aday she had been with a person for a year, which we're going to find out right now, is the guy that we're seeing in this episode or it was somebody else. My gut is telling me it's the guy we saw this episode.

She was so checked out last year.

She was done. What I did realize is at the beginning of this episode, we see a lot of Jesse and he's not drinking. Then we see scenes for next like the upcoming episodes, we see Jesse drinking again, and that's when he really starts throwing around some of the some of the fighting.

Yeah.

Then we're at Kristen in Luke's house. Kristen says the last time she talked to Janet was when Janet called her crying, saying she wished they could all be friends again. Luke says he wants to do everything to increase their chances of getting pregnant, exercising more and not drinking.

What are your thoughts on this relationship.

I don't under I've never seen that seem like a relationship. It's an interesting dynamic she seems with the guy that has the interesting hair.

Do you think it's a situation where she just wants a baby?

I don't know, because I think he really loves her.

Well, we see him in previews for upcoming where he's running down the hall in his underwear because he's so mad, because he's so mad, He's like, this is.

Not and I'm like, well, we have to remember he's a normy. He is. She is not a normy. She has been doing this for a very long She was on TV for a while though, right, but it doesn't matter like once, like she was on for so many years. I would say she probably between her and Stassy and you know, like all of those girls originally from those you know, those shows went through so much shit. I mean, Kristen was not only cheated on, she was a cheater. She had like domestic violence.

Allegedly through a lot of but Stacy she just went on her merry way like she's But I did see she owned some Vanderpump.

She took a little break, and then now she's going to be on a show, and then I think she gets her own show. Oh, I think it's a stepping sit down. I don't think we're probably going to see a Kristin and Luke spin off, No, I don't think so. No, But Janet doing a classic LVP and trying to call Kristin off camera to set a narrative before they do a pickup.

I was like, jan uh, frowned upon.

You know how I feel about Janet though, but everybody I like likes Janney.

Confusing Janet at some event I don't know, I was last year sometime very sweet, very very sweet, but before or after she was on the show, after after like the show the season had aired, and then we were in I don't know. It's like some oh Andy's event in LA and I can't remember what it was.

Two I don't know.

I can't remember exactly.

But would you be friends with Janet? If you had to pick, would you rather be friends with Janet or Kristen?

Oh? Wow, that's tough.

If you threw Michelle in there, then I would say definitely Janet.

Michelle. Honestly, it is very hard for me to watch.

Michelle's very hard for me.

It is hard for me.

Oh she's so sweet, pretty, and.

I know that's what I watched with my sister yesterday. She'd never watch and she's like, oh my god, this girl is so pretty much like she just seems.

Like the nice person about to get ruined ruined.

I know it's about to get and bless her heart, three kids under three and she wants more.

Well, then we find out that Jacks and Brittany have been separated for nine months. Jack says he and Brittany were considering her moving back in working on their marriage, but he discovered on her iPad that she was still talking to Julian and had sent him a sexy video. Brittany says Jacks flipped the coffee table when he found out about the text. They had previously agreed uh they could see other people. Jacks is upset Brittany hooked up

Well, I mean, not only did he flip the table, he flipped the table and a hit her in the shins or something like that.

I felt like I was missing something because well he flipped the tap.

Yeah, it hit her in the legs or something like that, and she got hurt. I remember reading about this months ago. I don't think happened. Some kind of domestic violence or something.

That's why I was a little bit confused.

But I also again, this is another situation where Brittany moves out and Jack stays in the house. But also what in the melshow and his pig is going on in the belly?

I don't know, but I've heard rumors that this is pretty common rumors, But I also don't say this is one of Jack's's best friends. And then the only clip you have of him is fifteen people back, like at Disneyland. Like I couldn't even see the guy's freaking face, right, He's like, hold on, I'm fifteen people back.

He's like, I've got my baby.

Hell, Hello, Hello, and I'm going to bone your girl. That's what I'm gonna do.

But also get some airtip kind of sexy videos she was sending, And who shares an iPad with sexy videos.

I'm gonna go out and limb and say it was her titties, because those girls are they're on display.

Sometimes I check the titties and then I check my titties and I'm like, I'm like, where are my titties. I'm like, I I even have fake titties, and I can't even see them.

Oh my god.

But when he said I we were even planning for her to move back into my house, I'm like, you just can't say.

I've been to that houseultiple times. It's all set up for their kit like her, yeah, and like, just you cheated multiple times allegedly she's now following the rules. Like why are you so mad at her? Why do you have to be such?

And how far is the valley from here?

It's five minutes?

Oh that's it? Yeah, why do I think it's like way out in the valley?

Then, Jesse says he was a pretty big whoror after separating from Michelle, but is now in a relationship with a woman who has a strong personality. He says Michelle enabled his behavior, whereas his new partner doesn't. Michelle's also in a new relationship with a guy named Aaron. You know what I do, Jesse. He's honest about who he is and allowing us to be the judge of the

Oh you just THO shall not protest too much or something like that.

And she's really nice, like she's lovely.

But like, okay, but why wasn't she.

There because she's not gonna film.

She won't film.

She will not film. I think she would probably film for the Real Housewives of Orange County, but I don't think she would film for the Valley.

I mean, I know, I obviously she wants to keep her name out of this, but I but you know, I follow her.

Yeah, yeah, I met her. I don't.

I don't know her.

Where did you meet her?

I met her at the a S Weekly party. And she's really nice and like sends me messages like praying for you, thinking about like very.

So why do you think she won't film for the show?

I think because she probably wants to stay living in Orange County.

Hmm okay, well and maybe she's.

So we're not going to see her at all with Jesse would mean the demise of their.

Are they still together. Yes, what do you think about Michelle bringing Aaron to the party.

Well, if they've been together for a year and a half, why that's not.

Could you Yeah, right exactly.

But could you imagine having to film a show with somebody you just they I don't even know if they're divorced yet, but somebody you're divorcing, and it's a bad situation, Like I'd be like.

I actually wouldn't mind it, Like if Edwin and I had to film something together. Yeah, but you guys get along and every relationship that's no longer together, there's good days and there's bad days.

Well that's like that with even relationships that are together. Yeah, let's be honest.

But then Janet and Brittany go to build terrariums.

I don't ever want to build a terrari. I was gonna say, don't ask me, No, it's not happening. I'm like, oh, oh, they're really, they're really doing this.

Also, what about when one of them goes, when was the last time you did this? But then during this Jack's call Brittany twice and she doesn't answer, so he texts not going to pick up my calls, And then Brittany says. Jax is upset he wasn't invited to her white party, so he's planning a rival event. Well, he's never a good idea.

This is it. But just Jax Taylor. I'm Jax Taylor. I can do what I want. That's what he says to Brittany. I'm Jax Taylor. I can do what I want. This guy's forty five years old.

Everybody's older than me on this show.

It's time to grow up.

He's not going to grow up. This is who he is. A month of rehab or not, he's going to come back and probably be quite similar.

So he leaves the show.

Well, hold on, let's first we have to get to Nia. Zach and Kristen go to lunch. I could have done without this scene completely, didn't care, didn't need to know that you were going to have a passion fruit margeritye to hold the alcohol because of course you're probably pregnant again.

Nia.

Yeah, do you think she's pregnant again? Yeah? I will now she is pregnant. So my guess is she.

Oh, she is pregnant again.

Yes, they're gonna have four under Oh bless her heart. She seems very sweet, very very sweet.

But most sweet people have a really dark side.

Okay, when I turned most.

Sweet people have a very dark side, Like, who's that happy all the time?

Well, that's why I'm a bitch all the time, because I have no dark.

Side hold on. But I've never seen the soft side.

You never will.

Then, Nia says she recently was at Britney's house and it was scary. Nia asked if Janet has tried to talk to Zach and Kristen. Zach says Janet told Brittany not to hang out with him. Zach says he doesn't understand why Brittany is so up Janet's Funani this part, I didn't really get Sack's kind of like a walking nineties catchphrase. He is.

He is accusing someone of not wanting your pregnancy to go to full term?

Is pretty messed up?

Do you? But didn't they both do that to each other? That's what I got a little lost.

I don't think Zach's pregnant.

Whatever, I bet he still says the word psych.

You're like, saye psych.

Then Jesse and Kristen have wine at his house. This I want to correct Jesse. I did not see have a glass of wine. I only saw Kristen. He was still on his Pellegrino kick. He was in my opinion. Then in confessional, Jesse says if Michelle's boyfriend Aaron was the reason their marriage ended, it won't go over well. Jesse apologizes to Kristen for projecting his anger onto her, and then Kristen says she's choosing team Jesse and her separation.

Well, I mean, there's nothing he can do about it now. The marriage is broken up, and even if she was with this guy, like, what are you.

Going to do? The marriage was going to be over regardless if she ended up with that guy or not.

Right, So why are you individuals? There's gonna be a real problem if this is the guy that broke up my marriage. Well, you walk into a party, You're like, hey, bud Hi, how are you?

Jesse? I love you, But the real problem is your suits that you wore out for a season.

So I remember the really long coats that go down to his knees.

No, we like you, Jesse too, but this is a do earl I'm fine with. I want to know what continues on with them. I do think they're going to have a fight, though I don't think they're going to be They're both loose cannons, but I do look forward to what chaos they can they can put together between the two of them. Then at lunch, Nia says she wants another child, although she and Daniel have three under three.

Well, is it that far?

I mean, is it?

What is nowhere I need to know?

I mean, isn't it off like the I would think of to ten something like that. I remember stopping in Santa Clarita to go to the Gripe. You know where Santa Clarita is where it's where they were that they eat raw they eat dead people.

What.

Yeah, there's a show about Santa Clarita. It's like, uh, is it Drew Barrymore that's in the show and she eats people, She's a zombie.

That's the only thing I know about.

Such a thing. It's a scripted show.

Yees, in reality, that's the only thing I know.

I'm confused. And then I'm like, oh my god, she's talking about the scripted show.

That's the only thing I know about Santa Clarita.

Know what I know about Santa Clarita, there's very competitive.

Cheerleaders, like I feel like they're everywhere.

Okay, So then Nia goes on and on about the freeway numbers, all the things. He gets up that because she has some of his sauce.

Eh, I don't want to hear about his sauce.

No, he dipped, but I feel like this couple is about to take a real dip. Do you know?

Yeah?

I do.

Oh, you're usually right about this stuff.

I know.

She's so beautiful.

She reminds me of like was she Like, Oh, of course she was. She looks like she'd be Miss America.

She was some sort of pageant queen. I don't know which one. And she's also lovely and really nice.

And so when her in real person and real person, yeh, she goes to you met her in real life?

She goes to Edwin's church. So I've met both of them multiple times. She does, Yeah, not a shocker, of course. Yeah, so she goes to Edwin's church. She's really nice. But I kind of worry about the demise of the relationship this year. I hope not, and I have not heard one thing about it. But the way he's talking and the way that she wants to avoid the drama. I'm like, you're on season two of a show now, and they're gonna take you down. They're not gonna let this slip.

I hope not. I hope not.

What did you think about Michelle saying that Jesse gives her the ick that's the father of your daughter, Like, is that really something you necessarily have to say every time Michelle opens her mouth? I'm like, no, nope, not, haven't it.

I had didn't really even like track that when she said it. I was like, but it kind of makes sense. She it looks like she gives him the ick. I mean, he gives her the ick, Like I think he's still in love with her.

Probably, but either way, we're free White Party together.

We see Jason, which who I forgot was on the show. He says he understands why jax was upset about Julian, but he doesn't condone Jack's being aggressive towards Brittany. Jaxon is bummed about not being invited to the White Party, and then Janet says she wants to get along with Kristen again.

Is this where.

Schwartz was?

No, he was at the Oh he was his bar right, which, by the way, golf clubs for Schwartz, it's the best good and months.

He looks so good, he looked.

Does he have a girlfriend?

Remember you had that like preteen girlfriend?

So how many people from Vanner pup Rules is now on the valley.

So just by looking for the clips, we've got Schwartz, We've got La La La, and we've got Sena, which probably means Sheena's husband.

Oh, Sheena's on it as well.

Yeah, we saw party. Then we get to the white party. And then inconventional that's when Michelle says she tries to avoid Jesse at all costs. Jesse interacts with Michelle and her new boyfriend that really we may pick Jesse over the new boyfriend.

I'm gonna agree with that for since.

And then the whole conversation about Michelle and Jesse should be Jesse should move to Orange Camp to be in Newport, you know, with this new girl, and she's like, Shane having it. No, my daughter's not going to school there. And then the poor boyfriend, Aaron like he's sitting here witnessing them going back and forth.

He's like, what am I doing here?

Well, he's probably thinking, I've already been dealing with this for the year during our affair, and now I have to sit through this again at the white party.

Yeah no, no, he just finally he just walks away.

I've also decided that if Aaron were to wear a hat, he'd be hot, so maybe he should wear hats the rest of the season. You know what this is coming from someone with a Lorand's affair. I was not going to say anything.

I was not going to bring that up. But I'm like, should you be saying this right now?

Well, now I can be saying it more than ever. Great, No, bald, I do well, except for this side now has to get sprayed because there's not even anything to stick to it. Well, well, whatever it's going to go. Then Janet post, I don't grow back. How many years do we think we're gonna deal with this? Then Janet pulls Kristin to talk. Kristen says last summer was hard and she wants to get back to their good times, and then Janet calls out Kristin for saying she didn't want jan and It's baby

Okay, Sometimes Zak gets on my nerves.

A little bit. Sometimes I wonder why Zach and the other girl are on the show. I only remember Zach's name because you said it, like I don't know fifteen minutes ago.

Yeah, the other girl remind me her name.

I don't know. We met her girlfriend this.

Year, Jasmine, so she hasn't had like is she like a friend of like do they have? It's like a housewive show they have friends of in main cast members.

I don't know Jasmine and Zach. Zach seemed to me like friend des Yeah.

Well, I need Sheena to come in.

I need some more some.

More action, any more action, because this doesn't go anywhere this Janet and Kristen trying to talk. Then Kristen says she doesn't feel Janet's apology was genuine, but then in the confessional, Christen says she doesn't see a future where she trusts Janet again. No shit. At Jacks's rival party with Tom Schwartz, Tom says Brittany told him she doesn't feel safe being in the same room as him, and then Jax claims he and Brittany almost hooked up the

No, it was more like a therapy session. Do you think that it was.

More like that party that nobody came to that then you start panicking, So you go to your friend's party.

Yeah, it's like party's a bust. Yeah, let's go to somebody else's party. I do think that Schwartz gave him some good advice. I think he's like, listen, dude, be doing that. I don't care what the situation is.

I mean, that's the way you react, and said to him, if you can't see your son because of the things that you're doing.

Don't yeah, stop stop.

I do not remember them in the top of the show saying that he was going to rehab. I thought this was all setting him up to go to rehab.

I don't think we've one hundred percent gotten to the going to the rehab, but we have gotten to her saying she's going to take full custody, She's going to do a restraining order, and I think it's tough because I think people will say that and then they go have sex with that person.

Do you think she really was going to have sex with him?

Yes, you do. Yes. I think she's very much in love with him, and I think this is the chain of abuse.

When Jack says that he hates walking past his son's room, how about you let your wife and your son live in the house and you get out.

How about I think the only way she could get out was by moving to a different because you wouldn't move. I don't think he would move, and I think he even though he has not treated them properly, I don't think he wants it to be over with them, because then it's considered a failure.

It's done. She would be fool to go back to him.

Unfortunately, my gut tells me they'll be back together.

Okay, let's take this to Vegas and bet on it.

Season preview, Michelle is crying about her divorce. Then Daniel tells Nia her friends are talking behind her back, and then Brittany tells Jax he is dangerous and needs help, and then Kristen and Luke get engaged. Would you want to get engaged on a boat.

No, and then he had like some cheesy lying too. It was like, you're the catch of the day.

As he's fishing over her shoulder.

I really reeled you in, hold on.

But so do we.

Think it a fish hook?

Oh my god? They no, he definitely did some sort of fish catchphrase, catch of the day, something like that of the day.

I can't remember.

You want to be the catch of my life?

Catch of my life? I don't know, same shit, different show.

She seemed shocked.

She did seem shocked. And I keep watching, like I keep seeing her order drinks. I'm like, no, you're pregnant. But also, let's do the time.

Yet, because there's multi Her and Nia are both pregnant. They're both I think the same.

That's so funny you say that, because I saw like they had a big party, like a launch party, and I'm like, who's the other she's really pregnant.

Kristen finds out she's pregnant in November of twenty twelve.

Okay, so I need to know when Nia found out she was pregnant December of twenty twenty four, so.

They both knew the whole time. And when were they filming this season? They're filming it last summer, so they probably announced when they were like five months pregnant, which makes sense.

Yeah, well, congratulations to them.

Congratulations. I'm sure it will be a blast on camera.

It's so fun to be pregnant camera right, and it's so fun to be having little babies.

Especially when your significant others are stepping out. It's amazing. Enjoy it, guys, giving you all the love and support you may need if you need a babysitter, don't ask us, no, do not children.

We only like our own own children and family children.

That's it. Other than that, Nope, nope, But we'll keep tuning in and watching the Valley. I hope they let us bring somebody on because Jesse is my like, I'm gonna well, I know how you guys always say that I'm biased, but like, I feel like I'm gonna be biased with Jesse this season, So I'm just letting everybody. No, he's got a girlfriend, Well now he does. Oh you thought I was going to be dating him beforehand.

Yeah, that's quite a long time ago, months ago or something, I feel like.

But that's when he was with Michelle.

I saw your interview with him.

Well you felt tension.

I felt tension.

Yeah, well, don't be jealous that you don't felt tension with any interviewees.

I gotta work harder, I'm sorry.

Get your tits out and focus.

I don't have any I need to buy some first.

Oh my gosh. All right, thanks guys for tuning in for another episode of The Twats. We'll be back soon. We appreciate you, and we'll see you next week.