The Curious Case of the Twisted Testicle

Last night worked to midnight, had a shower?

Was that a flexor not a shower? That worked for a fucking midnight?

Just never ends. I was like, I cannot wait to go into bed, head, hit the pillow, close my eyes, and then I realized.

We have an episode that came out today.

I was like, fuck, I haven't uploaded the episode.

Did you write them?

I wrote it.

You're very good at that.

Did you read today? Not the strongest? You didn't remind me normally, you remind me.

I shouldn't have to.

Wednesdays come around so cool.

I shouldn't have to remind you because that would make me your boss and I'm not. We're equals.

Almost almost dropped the ball, made that mistake a few times.

Not today.

Welcome back to two Golding Dads. I'm Mattie J And I'm Mash. This is a podcast that is all about parenting. It's the good, the bad, and the relatable. And if you have come thinking that you may get any type of advice, unfortunately you've come to the wrong podcast. It's not going to happen here, not today, not ever.

Never, never, ever, ever ever ever anyway. Hell am I'm good, Look, I'm good. I can't say I'm bad because there's people that they're much worse than me. But no, but this is week two of Oscar having to come home early from kindy.

What happened last time?

He was just sad. He was tired because I didn't pick him up, so Papa picked him up, and then I went and got Macy from the same kindy. Later on, I saw Oscar's teacher and she was like, is Oscar Cab'm like, yeah, he seems fine to me, which is fine. She was like, yeah, he was just laying around everywhere and that's not like him, fucking slob. I'm like, how do I get him do that at home? Fucking slub? So two days later, let's just go two days later, No,

Would you ever backtrack on those type of promises or does he remember?

He fucking remembers, mate, He will never forget, like he'll remember things. Like he'll just blurt out something that he remembers from so long. Once actually, once we promised him in Monster the Truck if he slept in his bed all night. Tournal Little Monster Truck promised him that because we're just like, look, you have to stop sleeping in our room. And he slept the whole night, woke up the next day, didn't even mention. Granted, I told him when he was really tired to going to bed, so

The same time, they hold on to the most random bits of information, and then you're like, hey, you took your shoes off yesterday. Where'd you put them? They're like, oh yeah, and I don't know. I couldn't tell you. And you're like, basically like, where have you put your shoes? And they're like mine, will just hide them. And yet a song will play and she's like, that was the song that you had your first dance to at the wedding.

I've seen the wedding video, and you're like, what. We went to Nancy other day and Oscar pointed at a photo of me and April and my dad at our wedding and was like, is that your wedding? I was like, because where was I? I was like, not there? Than anyway,

Yeah?

Anyway, I don't know if you've ever heard of his Matthew slap cheek. Yeah, your facials exactly what the fuck is slap cheek? You might ask, It's an illness. And I was like, April's like, yep, he's got slap cheek, Like she knew what the fuck she was talking about She's obviously just googled it that he's got this.

Is that a nickname? Is that like the street term for it stuff? And you're like, oh, he's got slap cheek?

Well, I went out to do that Marcott job thing, right, And I was talking to a moment out there, shout out to that mom because you said I love the podcast. I was saying, oscars at home he has and she went, oh, no, like she fucking knew, And I thought, what do you is slap gee?

But do you think she walked away going I need to find out what slap cheek?

Everyone knows.

Ash talked about it in a way that just had so much confidence that she didn't don't want to be an idiot.

It definitely wasn't common. And I was like, I's got something called slap gee, which I didn't know what that was. I still don't even know what that was. To define it, It's like, it looks like you've been slapped in the cheek. It's like I swear to God and slap him. I swear to God. Okay, I wouldn't do that.

If you ever do get angry at Oscar and April comes home like, oh, that slap cheeks come right back right.

But you can see it's kind of like noticeably, Like I don't know, but apparently it's not contagious. He's the kicker, and I could be fucking wrong.

I hope not.

Man Like, No, it's not contagious if the slap cheek is visible. So it's leading up to it. So why he was so tired and run down and all that stuff, Like, how are you supposed to pre empty? He's got that.

Yeah, so it's contagious. It's a silent killer, you could say that.

So you've got to pre empt every day that. Now every time my kid's tired is like slap cheek.

Smells like slap cheek.

Damn it. Anyway, slap cheek got the best of him, which leads into this week. So so tired, he's been so wingy since, but he's still been like his playable self. Busy, busy, busy busy boy, like NonStop, like last night, flipping around on the cat. You've been at kindy all day, bro with your mate, and he's here. He's jumping all over everything, fucking smashing glasses.

That's the biggest difference between boys and girls is that boys just run at a much higher tempo. Like the girls come home from daycare and they just want to draw or snuggle on the couch.

Yeah, that's like Macy. Macy will get up to have a sniffer. What's going on with Oscar? Like if he's over here building a fucking whatever. Like I said, he's like a kelpie and like he just like flips and bloody blades, but everywhere it's it's chaos. I just like because we're all knacked but him, And it's like, yes, I'd love that sort of energy, but also I wouldn't. Then this week he's obviously been run down as you do. You get poor kids. Got a coolestle.

He's got the herb.

He's got the herb and or he all they then he's completely fine. We're putting some viras on there, so he knows what a virax tastes like now because every time we put it on, he just goes He's into it more like things like that's what you're supposed to do. It's like, bro, don't.

It tastes nice? Is it? No? Okay? So it's just like chemical.

Since the chemical that goes on and he's dried out.

And he's got a taste for it.

He's got a taste for it.

You're making in the morning, I couldn't put it as a Vira could.

Assault for me.

Acts at the restaurant, Yeah, you don't.

Have I don't see the virarex on the menu. This kid can read. So he went today. But then I've got a call at ten thirty this morning saying that he needs to go because they think he's got a hand foot in my mouth. Now off the back of that, so he's got pop has taking him to the doctor today so that we can work. Because this is work, I'll keep you posted on that. We might go for week three next week, Jesus.

Although it's a nightmare, no question about it, just back to back illnesses. The positive though, is that he's building a strong immune system.

For when for when he's an adult.

Well let's look at you for example, right, Oh yeah, you're not the healthiest person I've ever had.

What did I have for breakfast this morning? I had two meat patties. Two things are bacon, two eggs, and Jesus, jes.

Wow, Except I'm sick like three times more often than you are. You're never sick, You're never ever sick. Ever, whereas I'm fleeing.

I am. I'm just on a good run, So do not.

I won't jinx it. I won't. I also not. I don't want to one up your illness story. This episode's all about sick kids so far to really feel good.

There is something else I want to talk to you about. We'll get to it.

Akat two medical stories that I have.

Any hospital visits.

Yes, I will get to that. I'll get to that.

Johnson's love guard to the hospital.

Okay, So yesterday I moved house. I'm now just down the road for my sister. She's got three kids. George is her eldest. He's about six or seven and similar to Oscar, he's a kelpie. He's just full of beans. He's like climbing trees, jumping off how old. So he's six or seven. I think at the moment he's really into being on a scooter and a skateboard. That's his jam. Yes, and I used to skateboard double Shark, double Shaker.

B I can't wait to go to.

Used to skateboard quite a good skater back in the day.

That was your best trip.

I think the best trick I did was like a board slide or doing like a seven jumping down a set of stairs. Seven was my hole was the highest. And I could can't tell if you're actually impressed just being fucking patronizing.

Towards me at the moment, I don't see it anyway.

So it's something that George and I, you know, we've got your bondage. Yeah, oh my George, let me show you what to bring.

Him up to the skate park Terry Hills skate Park.

Well, I can't because he had an incident.

Oh okay.

So I was walking Buster and I walked past my sister's house and I was just called and I was like, hey, you know, if you're out the front, i'll say hi. And George was there on a scooter and he was having a little go and we had a bit of a play and they had you know the those plastic camping tables that have.

The they fold up oheah, yeah, yeah, the.

Legs that come out. They're a really old one of those that's just been like gathering dust for ages. And I was like, we could kind of set that up as a bit of a ramp and a few times I was kind of jumping up it and it was a bit, a bit sketchy anyway. I was like looked at the time, and I'm like, well, my kids are coming home soon. I better go, Like bye, George.

You know so you've just set up a dangerous obstacle for a child. Is that what's happened?

Yes, yes, my sister was there. It wasn't as if I'd done this just begin. I waved goodbye. I get a message from my sister an hour later saying we're in hospital.

Oh my god, can I show you're in enabler?

Can I show you what happened?

George? What have you done to this poor child?

George is OK. People are listening right now. Don't worry.

Uncle Maddie. Have you been to visit him yet.

No, because it happened yesterday and I've been.

I've been flat out the audacity of you.

So he came up on the scooter, up off the table, lost control, he landed head first. Fuck yeah, oh my, he's got head but of the ground. That's three stitches.

Did he have a concussion?

Yes, also concussion because he wasn't wearing a helmet.

So kids, kid, hey, Uncle Maddie, like, hey, do you know what see that sketchy table over there. Let's set it up and you can jump off it. Not me, you can jump.

And whilst you're jumping, here hold these knife anyway, look at Maddy.

Shouldn't I wear a helmet? No, that's how I picture that happening.

But my sister was like, they give a bit of gas.

When he gets actually jealous of the gas, you have the option.

You have raspberry, vanilla, chocolate or Coca Cola. He went for Coca Cola, loved.

It cool, And I say, hey, George, mate, it's best that you get this out of the way first, because if you're going to continue to skate, continue to scoot, maybe Uncle Ashley teaching how to cir because man, he can't do that. You're gonna hurt yourself. Get them stitches out of the way early, build up the outside of your body immunity.

But I spoke to my sister just before we recorded, and he woke up this morning and was like, I want to go to school. Obviously wants to show off. You know, he's got still yeah yeah yeah. And Kate was like, I don't think you should just so sweet and he was like no, no, no, Mama, feel fine. So she's like, okay, cool, like dropping off at school. Half an hour later they call her up and they're like, oh, George's got he's falling over, he's got a headache. Is

So that reminds me my brother in law is a really good skater. So picture of this. He's a PhD. Okay, it's PhD in what in geographical philosophy something like that.

What the fun is that?

No? No, no, anyway, so he's a you need to professor and he's UNI professor nosering Mullett covered in tat skates. So just picture that, okay, picturing it? So I think it was last year. So still skates a lot. This is going on the injury thing. Anyway, He's at the skate park where it's predominantly kids. At this skate park, there's a couple of adults who's still shred he's shredding at the skate park, comes off, breaks his wrist right

That is a fucking embarrassing. It's one of those things that, like riding a skateboard, you think that's just like a bike. Man. I tried to do a pop shove it and I almost very nearly whipped out and killed myself.

And I'm just getting back into skating because it's like the first and shit, so I've just been like, okay, we'll go to do something and yeah, You're like, how did I do this?

Like kneel down to do an ollie? As I like, as I crouched down, I was like.

Oh my god. Did you have a moment when you got the call from your sister being like George's in hospital and you're like, oh no, and then you hung up. We went glad it's not my.

Kids, yes, because see this happened last week, but we didn't tell the story because we told that story of one of your fans verbally abusing me instead.

You know what, you deserve it now.

After that, we had a little trip to hospital with Marley.

Oh so Karma's got ya?

And can I just say also she is fine? Both these stories all happy endings.

You're a liability, you lot well, you're clogging up the system the rest of us. No one that literally like Oscar went to hospital twice in his life. He's four, Marley's been in the hospital more times than me. And I'm twenty.

Why are you looking at me? And I'm the problem here? Like it's not like, hey, which we do this weekend? Let's go to emergency the children, So we go back to emergency. I hate going there.

Well, to be fair, you keep telling me that, mate, but you still keep going.

To be fair, I've actually never done the hospital trip. It's always been Laura.

Yeah, and you can't really complain.

And I was kind of like, I don't know how this works, but also.

You actually did this trip.

I did this. But also remembering that Lola had those screams, which we were like giving a tough love because we thought it was because she wanted a bottle of.

Milk, but she had a perforate drum.

Yeah. So now Marley, not long after that, she was like, oh, my stomach hurts, and I like, well, that's weird that she never had that complaint happened again that night, wouldn't have dinner. She's like, oh, like still my stomach is really hurting. Thought she was fine then that she woke up at maybe like nine o'clock at night screaming, being like my stomach And I was like, fuck, like you probably just hung If we didn't have the perforaded ear drum in the back, I'd be like, go back to bed.

Yeah, okay, we go there.

We go there, they do a couple of tests. They say it's fine, you have to come back for it ultrasound. But you can't do that till the next day. So Laura gets something like midnight next morning, take her back into emergency for an ultrasound.

You this time?

I went the second time, and you kin'd of get anyone who's never been to emergency with your kids? Is it? It's got like a triage nurse? Is that right? Don't quote me on this if I'm saying it wrong. I apologize sorry to the nurses out there.

You're doing a fantastic job.

But they do like an initial how sick are you? And if it's life threatening, obviously you get seen. George got seen straight away. Yeah.

Miley's like, I'm dying, oh right this way.

But they say it'll be a bit of a wait, so we have to wait four hours to get the ultrasound. And it's funny you kind of you look at each kid as they come through, and you're kind of like, oh, how sick is their kid? How quickly will they get seen? And some kids are like fine, as in, you have a temperature, you give them pane at all. They get to emergency and they're absolutely fine with other kids come through and that like George, and they need stitches.

Yeah, they even from the forehead. It's like stat.

There's a lot of stats, a lot of yelling, and I was like, I was like, fucking, how come on, Like, I just want to get this ultrasound done and find out what's wrong. But at this point Marley's fine, She's like and they also you can't give the kids food before the ultrasound, So Marley's there four hours, like dad, I'm hungry. There's a vending machines that every kid is there getting like chips and chocolate. I was like, I just want to eat something, and I'm like, no, you can't.

The ultrasound punish and they don't understand either. It's a punish. Yeah.

Anyway, we get the ultrasound and it felt.

You just come with nothing but pictures today.

I know, I know, Sorry, I know, I'm very very picture heavy, very visual, and we get the ultrasound and it felt really nostalgic.

She's pregnant. Oh my god, flashback it's a boy. Oh my god. So those of you listening, I'm just looking at a picture of Marley getting ultrasound on a tummy like Mummy would have done. So that's why Matt's thinking, flashback, did you start going? Because I would be c sick, you know me in that? How long were you there? Four hours?

Because obviously you know probably five hours?

Fine?

Yeah, do you know what it was? Do you know what it was? A telescopic in testine?

M Is it one of the ones it goes.

Like a submarine? Well they they said that like it sometimes happens.

Yeah, okay, that kid's like, I love that diagnosed. Sometimes happens off you go, you're done.

Literally, I was like, how do you fix? The testine kind of goes like like a telescope goes in on itself. It hurts, happens for a number of reasons, comes back out of this comes back out.

It's like when a bit gets stuck in your rib.

Yeah, like this is it.

I'm die. Actually I'm okay like that.

But I also kind of thought, I was like, are they just kind of making this up on the spot, because I was like, I was like, how do I make sure it doesn't happen again? And they're like, oh, like it's totally fine.

Like it's just one of those funny if it was like a vegan nurses like just don't eat meat. Oh, yes, right on it. She's okay, that's the main thing.

So I was, you know, it was Can I just say, on a serious note, there is nothing better than walking out of the hospital with like a thumbs up, you're good together. They're like, you're good to go. Yeah, Like because we had to like not to end on a down a note. You have to walk to get to the ultra sound was like a fucking maze.

Past the dying people.

Well, yeah, you have to.

It's like hospitals are no good.

Walking past these beds with the kids who have like tubes up their nose and they're.

Like, you know with what was the children's hospital?

Yeah, children's Yeah, so walking past the sick kids and you're like, that's not how a kid should be spending the day like it's.

And that look, honestly, we've got a pretty good when you think, oh, totally, speaking of triage, I want to go back to the triage.

What is triche mans triage?

Just like they like you said that, I don't know what it exactly means, but they determine who needs to go up the line anyway. So this is something that happened to me where I had to deal with a triarche nurse and you were saying, oh, you know, the people that are dying go first. So when I was fourteen, let's just skip right into this story right away. I didn't think I was going to tell this story.

No, well, can I just say that, do you ever think you are going to tell any particular story?

No? It just comes to me on the mark. I'm just definitely not written. I've go written down what I want to talk to you about it. I was just going to fuck it, going to talk about to talk about I'm just going to bounce off what you've said and I will remind myself. So when I was fourteen, lived on the Gold Coast at the time, and we actually came did a house swap with our old neighbors

Did I forget what it's like being fourteen? I used to get maybe like ten a day.

Yeah, I can't wait to talk to you mum when she comes down.

Can I just confirm? So your mom's in the backs mum, and my sister.

In the back seat. I'm in the front with an awkward erection, classic hiding it somehow, And the problem is like there's nothing to distract you. Back then it was four I had a phone, but there used to be no reception on the way.

Yeah, game boy, what would you play?

It was just like look out the window and hope the direction goes down, like looking at roadkill. Like yeah, it was like that's kind of sexy. Anyway. So we came to sit.

You ounder control. You and your old man are just like ah, like father likes something. He's looking over.

He's like, wrong, that didn't happen, and he didn't drive a manual. Anyways. We're only here for like twenty four hours, forty eight hours, okay, And I went to catch up with some of my mates. Can you know you're not going to fucking dog?

What's what's wrong with her?

Because she's swollen?

What does she have swollen nees for? Okay, swollen knee?

And I was like, you should take it to a pet physio.

And I was like, yeah, that's a.

Are you fucking serious.

What any one who's not aware? Ashes had to go over lift his dog onto the couch.

It's a low lying couch, dude, Like it's thirty centimeters off the ground even, and the dog is like, come here, bitch. The other day I had to lift up those two steps and it's two steps. She could have just gone upstairs.

How old is she the dog?

She'd be ten soon, Okay, so she'll be dead soon soon enough. Little dogs live forever they do. I will be saying like, oh my god, this burden of a dog. And she'll live till I'm like twenty. Hurry up so I can replace you any You and your dad getting erections? No together? No?

So where were we?

We're here for like twenty four or forty eight hours? And I went saw some mates because I used to go to school here, and I went and met with them, surved a couple of times with them that day. Great, having a lot of fun. And then I got like a pain in my lower stomach, like lower, I don't know left.

I think it was not erection related, not.

Erection related, not related. I don't think it's related to the erections.

Actually a lot of sense.

And I was like, it's like so much pain, so much pain, and my dad had to come and get me. And Dad's like come the classic dad like comes to pick me up. I'm in excruciating pain. But he hasn't seen this person's parents since we moved, so he's like, oh, stop and have a chat. I'm in the car. Man I'm in the car, like Dad, I'm fucking in so much pain. I was like, and I just said to him, it's my fucking nuts right. My testicles are fucking pulsating, they're so sore. And as soon as I said anything

Isn't it? Parents are so crazy and like any little your dad's chatty. I met your dad and he loves he loves the gin wag. You're there on death's door and he's like.

Oh, cliffs, got over it, mate, youkay. That's pretty much what it was like until I mentioned my testicles, and he's thought, fuck.

This is a medical emergency.

So he's driven so taking me to the medical center. He's taken me back to where we're staying for mom to take me to the medical center. That's a bloody shamuzzle. He was just didn't want to go. I don't think it's like, thanks Dad.

Maybe he was like me and he didn't know. Maybe, But when it comes to testicles, every second count.

Every second does count. Matthew anyway, so mam has taken me to the medical center. Anyway, I remember vividly sitting in the medical center. It was like the plastic those medical center plastic chairs with like the gray thin I felt like I was melting the plastic. That's how much pain I was in. I was sweating, I was hot, and I was just like anyway, doctor see me, and they're like, we don't know, we don't know what it is. Then sent me to the emergency room.

Okay, ultra sound.

And then I get to the emergency room it's been like four hours.

Me just like oh yeah, ultra sound, that's the only medical word.

Oh yeah, and stating my arm ultrasound. Anyway, I got to see the tree arched nurse. Okay, also that term very good Mary, mindflowing fourteen years of age. I've already shown my nuts to one person. The next thing, I've got to show my nuts to another person.

Were they big? Were they enlarged?

No? No, but very sot, very sore stomach. Really really, that's like, I'll tell you what's wrong with you. You've got a direction?

Who's that? Who's that? What's that medical show where a guy has to like diagnosed those strange cases ah, embarrassing.

Bodies anyway, So I'm like, at this point, like four hours of pain, like sweating, really really bad, tree arched nurse took one look at me and went, your testicles are twisted. Yeah, so in the sack itself, and this is where the triash nurse has gone. You're okay. You would think, okay, you're not in a life threatening situation, but your nuts are more important than anyone in this fucking er right now, because no one is more important

It's a cold blue.

Like cold blue woo woo woo, straight through.

Since I had a car accident, don't.

Worry about me and get that saved the testicle anyway, straight in, And the last thing I remember was like I was on the bed and they're pushing me into surgery. But to get me into surgery, they actually had to go into a supply closet for a U turn and I passed out in the supply closet, So I thought we did the surgery and the supply closet anyway, Hell, anyway, separated the testicles, stitch them to the walls of the testicle sack, and so for the next three weeks while

What an apologies if you're going to get to this point, But what causes a twisted testicle?

No idea.

It just happened.

Just happened. Happens a lot apparently, but we were minutes away from losing it. Well, thankfully now I have two kids. I don't really need them now they're actually twisted back up. But yeah, I just thought you just the word tree, I was just really spark something in me.

Then did you, like you have you ever gotten in contact with that nerves? Have you said that could be a beautiful get it on the podcast? What was her name? Do you remember?

I don't have a clue, Matthew it was that was like nineteen years ago.

That would be a beautiful story.

So old.

They're coming together. I wonder how many nutsacks she saved in her career as well.

I hope a lot. I hope she's got You know when it's like when you leave like the army and you get like the purple heart, They're like, here's a set of purple testicles. Here's a set that didn't make it, but not because of your efforts.

How lucky though, How lucky that she was on call at the very minute that you came in with your twisted nat sack.

But also afterwards, I, as teenagers do they ridicule people. So my mates thought I had one ball one ball ash. And this goes back to when the other day I went and bought a guitar and you're like, what are you going to learn? Wonder Wall, Like it's a joke, and I was like, that's funny because my mats made up a song called one ball.

Because I look over and you start crying and I was like ash.

They were like, cause he's got one ball. Anyway, we just really took a long journey together there. But I'm fine, obviously, But yeah.

Thank you for sharing that story.

Should we go into lies now?

Yeah, tell me love, tell me little. So we are now back with parenting lies.

Yeah, So the Budget Smuggler is going to be happening from now until the end of the year.

It's coming back.

It's coming back.

We know people right now will be panicking.

Maybe I'm missed out on the budgets. No, there's plenty of opportunities to do that over the course of the back end of the year, So still get stories in for that. But in the meantime, we bring back everyone's favorite segment, which is the lies and Matthew, what do you do you have for me?

I've got one ash. This one is from writ a Day, Britt A Day a Day. It says, tell me lies. I bloody love this. Well, Britt, we love it too. So she says, I've just realized that my husband and I have already been lying to our eleven month old son, Rowan. He keeps going to share Slash give food to the dog, and I'm bloody sick of it because she keeps making food for him because it's the dog.

Yeah, it sucks.

It's like the one bad thing about having a small child.

The dog's well fed all the time.

So she says, no, dogs don't like sausages, and no, dogs don't like sandwiches, so whatever, he's eating. She has said, the dog doesn't like it, and it works, but she says, mate, my dog will eat his own shit. He would devour whatever the tiny human has handed him. So now the dog just stares at us like we're committing the ultimate betrayal.

Stop lying to the child. That's pretty good because I know Mazie, like I always say, the dogs stalking them?

Oh yeah, yeah, they're just.

Stalk dinner time. Yeah, they're just stalking. No, at all times, don't it's always this tone as well. Don't feed the dog.

So annoying, so annoying.

My lie, Matthew is something that I can't remember who it came from. But if this does ring any bells from someone, thank you. But I also do this as well as like it's part of a parenting style. Okay, So if anytime Oscar, mainly because maybe doesn't understand yet, anytime Oscar is being a naughty boy or doing the wrong thing, it could be six twelve months out from his birthday, I always say, that's it. Your birthday's canceled. You don't get to change age this year. Your birthday's

That's great. But Marley sometimes she'll be like, I don't want to grow up, dad, And she's like, I don't want to get older because she's so sweet.

Because a moron, he's not. He's not, but he's a boy. He all he cares about is where the next monster trucks coming from. Okay, so he's not a moron.

Hey are we are? We going to do lies next week?

So we are going to do lies next week. But then we're back baby with budget. Mugger's most ordinary parents, So get your lies in, get your ordinary parenting moments in. Whether it's a D M or there's an email in our.

Two D two double D double d's look dot com dot dot.

A U yes, correct, So get him over. Like I said, there's going to be plenty of opportunities for ordinary parents and lives for the back end of this year. But ordinary parents, you get to win something, which is great.

Love it. Let's end the episode on questions. We always have two questions. I'm going to start off ash and ask you if you could hire any celebrity to look after your kids, who would it be? And why? Let's go I mean, sure we can make it open ended and have anyone could be alive for the sake of this question.

Okay, Well, while I'm thinking.

You go, I'm going to go Kim Kardashian.

Yeah, I'm going to go Scott Disick. Well, those who know that person is who's on the keeping up with the Kardashian he would be the funnest babies that are fuck it, I want him to babysit me.

No, he's just he's like a drunk, isn't Heah.

But he's such a wayanka, but he knows he's a winger and everything that comes out of his mouth is fucking hilarious.

The Lord, the Lord Lord. I'm pretty sure he goes by the name of the Lord.

I don't know if you're talking about it saying Scott Dissic, Yeah.

He used to be married to Corny.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, he's the best. He's so good. Whereas, for example, if It's like he's like, do you want something to drink? And Chris Kardashian's like, well, it's like I don't need you love yes or no, that's the energy I want in my house.

I'm going Kim just because it would just be such a flex to have. Yeah, and she's got kids.

It wouldn't be cheap though.

I mean, I'm not paying. Oh I'm not paying, like I'm fuck whos gonn afford Kim Kardashian to look after your kids. I'm just doing it purely for like, for the flex, for the flex of like I mean, I actually would she be a bad mum? I mean, I'm sure she's got an army of helpers. Oh yeah, I'm sure she's never This is me judging. I'm sure she's never like in the trenches trying to feed her kids.

Then she got her hands and knees. I'm going to go with Scott Dissick because you've gone Kim k And I realized, and I'm just gonna say that is because I went down the wormhole the other day of watching Scott Dissick videos on TikTok, and I need that sort of energy in this house because I think I would have a lot of fun and my kids would have a lot of fun.

Because if you're out, okay, I'm going to change mind. Yeah, Princess Diana.

Which is dead, we can bring it back.

But why because she's beautiful?

Oh fuck, Matthew, please, I have a question for you.

Please.

Is there anything you said you'd never do as a parent that you now do all the time?

M Yeah, there's a lot of things.

Yeah, a lot of things.

Obviously. The most prominent one would be the iPad situation, Like, holy shit, I used to judge parents.

Yeah. I used to be like, I'm never gonna do that. Ah man, I went out the window immediately.

Kids. I would if I saw a family with young kids with iPads at the dinner table at a restaurant, I would be like, oh never.

Now we get it completely totally.

You gotta it's amazing. You've been at my sister's house. I remember, like, because she's got the three kids when one of them is not being injured in a hospital.

Sorry, George, Sorry George was setting up that really Dodgy ramp.

So were my kids and her kids are together on a Friday, we might have dinner. It is chaos. It is absolutely Oh yeah, kids are going mental. We feed the kids first and we give them iPads to put TV on, and it's just like a drug. It's like a sedative. They're just like forty five minutes.

And then any luck, they fall asleep and you're like, oh yeah, that's the stuff.

I mean. Don't get me wrong. You don't always rely on the iPad twenty four to seven.

Yeah you do. I've got a quite and actually I've got a really quick question for you as well. And I'll probably going to ruffle a couple of feathers year, but whatever, I don't really give a fuck. Parents who put their kids on the leads, yeah, yeah, going on, it's like before you had kids, you like, I'm never going to do that. I haven't done that. I put a leg rope on Oscar once, but just because he was like, put this on my wrist, and I was just like, actually, this is kind of nice.

Is this at home or was this out in public?

I was just here, this was in the garage.

Okay, you like took it for a test run.

Yeah, because he was like, picked up one of my leg rights and he was like putting this on like a wristband. I was like sweet, and then he's like moving towards the door and I gave it a yank and he was like and I was like, this says no, I wouldn't the backpack lead. It's so it's kind of a bit demeaning, and I'm sorry it is.

It is absolutely demeaning.

If you do it to your kid, that's fine, that's your decision. I'm not gonna judge you. Actually, I'm going to judge you. That's fucked up. Why I don't even put the dog on a lead because I feel bad when I yank it?

Okay. I think it depends on the kid though, right, Like if you've got a kid who was like a runner or she's a runner, ye, little boy, little boys like Miley's pretty good in that. It's stressful. Okay, you're going to like the Easter Show and then you're going with Oscar and he's going to run away.

He's going to you know, yeah, I think where in that situation, I'm like, fine, but like, look, if your child is a prominent runner away or that's not going to call it well said. Rather, then if you're near a road and stuff, fine, because look, you hear about it all the time where a kid gets you by car. Fuck that would suck. So look, I take back to I don't take it all back. I take it. If your kid's a runner and you've got them on a lead, and it's like, look it's a life and death situation,

You, hang on a second, hang on it ash. You can't. It doesn't make any sense.

You can't to hate them.

You can't be someone that says yes to iPads twenty four to seven.

And then draw.

That doesn't fucking make any sense.

My opinion means nothing.

It doesn't make any sense.

But I'm just going to say the lead things a bit demeaning. What do you reckon?

Yeah, look.

You cancel.

I've never done one before.

No me, I've done the leg rope. But that's about it.

I mean, you're visually visually, it's just.

Because you put it on a backpack doesn't make it any better. Just put it around its neck like a dog and move on.

I want to get you a lead. I want to get you on, not just the leg rope one. I want to get a proper lead that's designed for crazy toddlers and put.

It on me.

No, I want you to use it for a while.

No, I won't. I won't use it because, honestly, look, if I'm being honest, it's a bit fucked.

That don't make any sense. It's like you love birkenstocks, then you won't wear cross but then you won't have a.

Bay and round me out as a person. I had a question. I asked you for your answer. You gave me a weird look and said it's a bit demeaning. Let's leave it on that.

Sure, and.

Free the lead. On that note, I think it's time we said goodbye. And I'm sorry if I've annoyed anyone with that leash thing. But no, fucking get over yourself. How dare you go through life and not be offended?

If you enjoyed this episode, somehow love a review will be really amazing.

We not the leash people away from the reviews.

Man, the leash people, they're opinionated. You offend the leash people, and you're in trouble.

Free the leash Free That okay, they're going to be knocking on my door going.

How d you don't know what? People who ashes offended so fast since the podcast started.

Country and Lea People, the leash users. Did you see that? Actually banning crocs now in shopping centers, airports and trains.

That's bullshit.

That's such about times.

Just it's just the media using like click okay.

Donald.

Fake news, fake news.

People keep on talking.

That's a terrible impersonation.

I can't do it. I don't I know.

No stuffer right there.

Follow us on Instagram, Yes, please follow us and yeah, just reminder, get your ordinary stories in, get your lives in.

We'll see you next week. Good bye bye. Two Doting Dads podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and the connections to land, see and community.

We pay our respects to their elders past and present and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torrestraight Island the people's today. This episode was recorded on Gadagle Land