Shark-week in Fiji

Have you ever been for a run and midway through the run, thought I'm going to do a shit right now.

Yeah, it's something about running that compresses.

It, doesn't it right? And you start. I always I'm a bit gassy on my runs. And then and then I went for a run the other day and I don't know if it's the fact that I've transitioned from Fiji food to Aussie food, but I was like four k's in and I was thinking, Fuck, I don't know if I'm going to make it home or not. And I was thinking, what am I going to do here? Like what's my bush poo? What is my call of action? I luckily you know when your body it knows there's a toilet coming. And I saw.

Around It's like when you get to the front door, Like.

I saw a toilet in the park and I was like, okay, we're on here. And I was like I was squeezing the butt cheeks as much as I could, and there was this old man was making his way also into the toilet, and I was like running, sprinting.

Get the fuck out of the way.

I cut in and I beat him and there's one cubicle and I don't normally do this, but I just I had to just relax and let gravity take control, because.

Usually what you do is you wait for either the people in there to leave because you know it's going to be noisy, or them to hit their hand drug and.

You're like, oh, it came out afterwards, and he was standing there waiting and I was just like, it's yours. Sorry, it didn't flash either, restarted the garment and quite a good pace.

Home, really unloaded the carver.

Welcome back to Two Day Dads, Iron Mattie Jay and this is a podcast that happens to be all about parenting.

The good, the bad, and the relatable.

And as always, there is no advice being given, a real advice sometimes advice accidental. Nine percent of the time no advice. There may be like one rand nugget that will pop up that not even ash and I knew.

It was advice.

Ashton.

Yes, Matthew, something a little bit different.

This morning. We are going to crack a better beer. But we're doing it for a very special reason. They call it, well, it's the ultimate treasure hunt this month. And you know you love a treasure hunt, ash more than anybody love it. And you know you're not doing dry July. You also are currently still unemployed, is that right?

So this is my job now, my job, this is right up your alley.

Exactly right.

And they've hidden two bitcoins in especially Mark cases from Dan Murphy's and BWS of the zero Carb original better Beard.

Now, I just I hate the fact that I've gone, I'm still doing dry July. So I've got I've got the zero out, which is that's not in the running. It's just just.

The original, right which you've got zero carb yep, yep. Yeah, So especially Mark pact, they've hidden two bitcoins. Okay, I don't know how they've hidden them in there. I mean bitcoin, it's not a physical currency.

We asked for details and they wouldn't tell us. I think partly because they thought that we were going to try and it's not.

Going to be like one of those silly worm cans where you crack it and like the They're like, I'm not sure, but they're worth about forty five thousand dollars each at the moment.

And they say that when you open it, they said, you will know that's obvious.

You will know best to also check the t's and c's. Now, Unfortunately the Nanny States aren't involved. That's South Australia Act and the Northern Territory.

Sorry about that, guys sucked in.

Now I have a original here from especially Mark case.

Okay, so we got to Can I just confirm if you crack that and you have a bitcoin in it? Are we going fifty to fifty? Your house is going to work?

Tell no, because if I go fifteen to fifty threers, I'm going to get home.

I've got to go fifty to fifty with my wife with what's left.

Don't tell her.

She's gonna hear that.

Yeah, we're just okay, fuck all right, you met April. We're going thirds.

Laura doesn't need the money.

Here we go, is it? Okay?

Man? Technically I'm still winning because it's ten am on a Monday morning.

Hope open another one. We're not leaving here. We're not leaving here until you finish the whole case.

Okay, beautiful.

I do have to say only for the month of July. Yes, those playing at home July, and.

Yes, drink responsibly. Of course.

You can check out the website better bee dot.

Com dot are you get the full teas and c's find the bottle shop near you, BWS d is. Let's get into the episode, let's get stuck in passion.

Is good to see you, mate. I know I missed you.

I know you've been on holda I've been on your honeymoon with your kids.

Did you you miss me?

Sure?

Well, you fucking messaged me enough.

I messaged you and rang you enough, and well, look, always in the marketplace, things never stop. Just because you're on holidays doesn't mean the rest of the world is. But I did want to bring something up. Now, you were on your honeymoon, but also on your honeymoon, you had your birthday, and I missed the opportunity to have a bee with you on your birth I have a bee with you now, yours is a zero HOURC And

And you know you didn't have to get me anything.

I've been doing some digging, did some digging. I found out from your lovely wife that your favorite actress is Nicole Kidman.

It's not true. Did you say that?

Yes? But I thought, what do I get the man who has everything? And I thought I'd love to get a personalized message from Nicole Kidman. Matthew. Now, Nicle Kidmen's a very busy lady, a lot, she's got a lot.

On, so she's outsourced it.

She's outsourced my request and I've managed to get you what I think he is a very very good birthday present.

So if you'd like to press play on that one, Matthew.

The.

Happy Bethday mag G love from your favorite actress, Nicole Kidman.

Happy Birthday mate.

Wow.

I told you she's a busy lady, So for her to actually book that in and get that personalized for you.

I'm speechless. You have really outdone yourself here. How much should that cost?

Priceless priceless memories?

What is it like fifty bucks?

What do you find that something like that?

That's what I'm touched.

I didn't know you were such a big fan of Nicle Kidman. I hate her.

Every movie that has Nicole Kidman is just Nicole Kidman playing a character.

She's never the character. But if Nicole, she's an Australian sweetheart, and you hate an Australian sweetheart. And I said to Laura, I said.

Who does he hate?

And she has to go to someone, so uber famous that it's never going to happen and ruin my plan?

Did you message it?

No? I just messaged the African dancers and they were like, we'll do it.

What's that on? How do you even booked them?

It's top secret. They're close friends of mine.

Very good, all topless, all topless?

Also is the photo of you?

Yeah? Do you reckon? They were like, what the fuck is this?

Probably when they saw Nicole Kimmen they were like, probably put it in their like.

Portfolio of famous p people who have booked them.

So I've done a few people favors here.

Do you request them to include the photo or is that part of the package.

That's part of the package. Love that and thank you Keish for the photo.

What month is your birthday?

I'm not telling I fucking tell us because I did the research on you. I even chat GPT and it gave me the wrong date. Remember it's had me April.

My definitely wasn't you am?

I are? We am? I close? I've got three four months.

Where you're very clause.

Give me all yours is coming up? Okay? Who is your favorite actor?

Oh got to be Steve Carrell.

Leave it.

We got a lot of work to do my friend believe it anyway, happy birthday.

I was going to get them to say happy fortieth birthday.

I thought that might be a bit of a dig, a.

Little prank start. Why why didn't you do that? What made you stop?

I was drunk and I forgot?

Well, thank you.

It's classic move from me. Though.

It's good to be back. It's good to be back.

I think it was nice to have you back.

I think we had to the first two days of the trip, we didn't really speak, and then I think we spoke pretty much every couple of hours after that.

What's happening?

Laura would always be like, I'd have like a little like sneaker to myself as I was looking at my phone, and then Laura's like, is that Ash, who are you messaging? Yeah?

Yep, but it's it was good, a good trip, trip, good look, I mean, I mean, Fiji's beautiful.

Fiji is lovely, Ash.

It really is not too far away.

For our flight, which is just the absolute dream. Before before we went on the trip, Laura was, you know, she was very excited. It's a honeymoon, okay, And like all good honeymoons, you want to have a bit of sexy time, oh yeah. And both Laura and myself extremely busy in a couple of weeks leading up to the date that we left. So you know, for us pre trip.

No sexy time, just dancing with the stars.

We couldn't get dancing with the stars was the priority, and so me and Laura were like, Hey, when we get to Fiji, we're gonna.

Lock the kids in a cupboard somewhere.

Yeah, we're gonna get it on.

We'll only been there for a couple of minutes, so it's.

Maybe six seven at the absolute most. But Laura and I were thinking, we're going to have like daytime sex. We're gonna have sex, you know, like in the bedroom, we're gonna have We're going to check in and at reception pretty much have sex there. Like we're just going to the whole time. We're like, yeah, oh my gosh.

Oh my god, period.

Of day one of the trip.

Yeah.

Yeah, And I was like, Okay, it's such a buzz kill. It's a bit of a buzz kill.

It sucks more for them. I should just add that in there. But look, yeah, buzz kill.

But I was like, look, it's a small little bumper here. Yeah, we're not going to let this ruin the true.

Jerk me out. It's fine.

But then but then we get to Fiji and we've been watching the weather at the whole time. You know, you're like, what's it going to be like weather? Yeah, every second of the day. And it was beautiful, sunny every single day. Well there tops of twenty nine ah coming out of winter. Perfect day one. Because we land in Fiji pretty late, like we get in just on sunset.

Too much wind.

Too much wind. You don't want wind on a honeymoon.

No period and win women hate wind.

Mate, myself included, Yeah, oh you got hair? Yeah mate, this this thing. I want to be looking good. So we're like, hey, this is fine, this is fine. I drop the kids in kids club and we're like, we can we can go for a sing by the pool. No one is by the pool because it's just it's not pool weather.

It's cyclone and the cyclone season.

And then we pick up Marley that afternoon from kids club. She's got conjunctive itists.

Oh fuck, say yeah from kids club you reckon?

Yeah, well you know it's daycare. I don't know she's she's this thing, had just been lurking there. And then it's like, and why does it come out as soon as we go overseas nightmare? Nightmare, next day, ash next day. I should mention also the fact that Lola really allergic to mosquito bites. They just they flare up.

Is that what that wants?

Did you see that photo?

Yeah?

I was like, but young for acne.

The first night she woke up in the morning and she'd just been like six or seven mosquito bites all over her face. They were fine in the morning, but as the day progress they start to flare up. So I'm thinking to myself, this is a holiday that we've been excited for for fucking months, and I'm like, this is going to be a disaster. Is this going to be I'm like, we're trying to stay positive, like this.

Is your day too, and already a few things have gone wrong.

This is going to be good. It got better. It got better. The weather clear period. We worked through that issue and we're going to.

Details, Please don't. I do not need to know, but but.

Yeah, rocky start. But then it came good the weather. The weather was beautiful, and it was just we had an epic nanny as well that you can We booked through the villa and kids Club. I wasn't sure if the kids would hate it or be into it, but too bad. They loved it.

Because what Lola is too in a bit, so we.

You just to she's as big as a four year old.

She yeah, She's like, like, how old is she?

She's seven, she's fifteen?

Send her in. But we went with Laura's sister, so she has Laura's sister has two kids. With our two kids, they all kind of went as a team, plus the nanny as well, so they were fine. You know, I feel like you have to adjust to living on the island, you know, the island time.

Yeah, they definitely operate on their own clock.

They're very chilled. They're very chilled. And I remember we dropped them off at kids club. Said to the nanny, Hey, just so you know, Lola and Tazzy that's Laura's sister's kid, the similar age. They come back at midday for a nap. They'll have like an hour and a half nap. Is that all right? And she's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's totally fine, not a problem. So you know when you come back, come back at midday, nap time, all sorted, thumbs up, we're locked in.

Good for the afternoon.

Yeah, And then we're chilling in the villa. It's like twelve fifteen and we think, oh shit, they're not they're not back yet. It's not massive, but to get around you have to call a buggy from reception. And I messaged the nanny because we were on WhatsApp with them and I say, hey, you're good to come back. It's twelve fifteen. Now the kids need a nap, and she's like, yeah, yeah, I'm currently organizing the kids. I'll be back in a second. Like goog great. It's like twelve thirty still no kids.

You know, it gets there, you've stuffed the routine up, your stuff, your whole afternoon up, and they get cranky.

Right, and it's like, you know, kids are fine until eleven fifty eleven fifty five, they're like, I'm gonna go to fucking sleep.

Yeah, I'm tired now.

Anyway, I'm calling it now on what's happen, being like, hey, just seeing where you are, and she's like, I'm just waiting on a buggy. I'll be there in a second. So by the time the kids come back, it's like one o'clock. And then after the kids go to bed, I pull the babysitter aside and I'm like, hey.

Discipline there, and I didn't want to be that strict. She obviously doesn't understand that, like it's so vitally important for something maybe with Island kids, it's not so important, but I don't know.

But yeah, So I was like, I just want to explain to her. I was like, you know, it's now one o'clock, it's an now past their bedtime. We just really need to make sure that we get them in bed by midday. And she's like, nah, no, it's okay.

She's gone rogue.

And I was like, oh no. The thing is like, it's not okay because they really have to be in bed by a certain time. And I was like, trying to be really polite to her. She looks at me and she goes, nah, no.

It's all good, and you politely sucked her on the spot.

I was like, how can I how can I be more more than you? She was like, shut up, You're on an island.

She's probably raised about fifteen kids.

Who's this white bolly trying to tell me how to look after these kids?

Literally, I was like, well, I guess hey, we're all good.

And the thing is with the with with like the Fijian they're always lovely lady.

She's like beautiful. Kids loved her. Yeah.

It was funny because one of the teachers that kind us is a Fijian Calisia Feli something like that. Lovely amazing, And when we went to feed you with the kids, Oscar was like just calling all of them Calise obviously so young doesn't understand, but like yeah, they probably just like we don't work on no your schedules, bro.

Even there was a few nights where so we would normally have her until like five o'clock and then a few nights we wanted to have a nice parent evening kids away at home, and so we would book her, but the last she would go back to the mainland. So the last boat was at nine thirty, Okay, yeah, yeah, and so we kind of what time do you need to be down at the jettie bi to get that boat and she's like, ah, She's like, if you're back

We knows them that she probably knows that that way, they probably know she's there totally. They're probably thinking no nanny left by right.

I think the first two or three days, I think everyone's just saying they come in and they're like, you know, fucking Sydney people so high stretch.

It's probably used to dealing with you.

Yeah, where are my kids?

Fifteen?

She's like, shut up. But it was good. Kids loved her weather. It was amazing. Laura and I on the day of my birthday, she organized the snorkel trip. So we had like three and three and a half hours just just Laura and me on a boat and it was fucking beautiful.

Did you hit the carver?

We didn't know there was a carver?

Did I just see some video of you like dancing around like you buddy, you're possessed?

No, that was I was on the rosees Rose Carver. It's yeah, traditional Fiji and Rose got me good.

Twenty three dollars a glass.

I was like, do we get the drinks package? But it was great, it was great. I am you know, I love I love Snorkel. You do it? I love.

I can't do it.

What do you mean I can't do it?

I can't swim or I can swim?

Fine, thank you. It's the snorkeling for me, which part just the whole thing, I don't know. I can't I find that I can't breathe in it. So a few years ago before kids, April and I did like a big trip through Southeast Asia, like four months through Southeast Asia, and we went to Cambodia, and the south coast to Cambodia is beautiful anyway you can go out really cheap to island hopping and snorkeling.

We hired like a boat for like it was like a hundred.

Bucks for like the whole day beautiful fishing, like swimming beautiful, and one it was snorkeling.

But at this point you'd snorkeled before, right, It wasn't as if you were I'd snorkeled before.

But same thing. I just find I can't breathe through the tube. Gotcha, there's not enough oxygen for me. I like, this is how you.

Do it anyway?

How long can you last?

About ten seconds? Like give me.

Whenever I go snork and I usually chuck and.

Gogles on, hold my breath and just go down and do what I need to do. But I just don't like it, do not like it. And on this particular occasion, after I had tried it a few times or whatever, because I was in my twenties.

Does April like it?

I think she she doesn't really care.

Not snorks.

She doesn't give a shit out.

Yeah anyway, And in Southeast Asia, as you do as a young backpackage, if you drink a lot, you drink a lot of beers. So obviously I'm probably on the back of a three month.

Times have changed. Ash, what's not a backpack anymore? What's your excuse.

I've got kids, two of them, so you get and a beer sponsor, so you're backpacking backpacking. Had a big night and like, look, we've been drinking on this boat too, and we're with some people from Melbourn and that we met like it was a cool, little private, little dinghy boat.

Beautiful, don't get me wrong. And we stopped to do some snorkeling and everyone's like, yay, snorkeling.

And I can't fucking wait.

I'm still a little bit seedy from the day before. I'm like, coming good, put the snorkel on, hopping the water, Oh okay. The first or second time, I like kind of dip my head down, and I think the second or third time I've spewed up into the tube. Oh shit, but it's gone up. April said, she just saw this thing bubble out of the tube and then what didn't bubble out has just sucked back into my throat and I've swallowed it back down. Sorry about that.

Oh my god, I'm fucking dry.

Reaching gross. Eh look for me at the time, very gross because it just started a really bad cycle of me vomiting dis continue it for that small and then it was in the water, and then the fish was great. Anyway, we got out of there real quick. But yeah, I can't do the snorkeling thing. I can't.

And like I've noticed with you and.

Your holidays holidays, you always find somewhere to snorggle. It'd be like you could be in the out back Australia and be like, look, he's a really good little pond. We can snorkeling. I love it.

I love it. Nothing Nothing makes me happier than being fully submerged in a body of water.

Oh new we.

Literally, that's that's that's my jam. I always thought you were this, I guess up until now, a perfect man. But I've just found your achilles heel.

That's one thing I just don't I just don't like.

Which is so weird because you're, like your sirf a water child. Yeah yeah, yeah, maybe something happened in a previous.

Try and make it complicated. I just get claustrophobic with the tiny little not everyone can breathe through a tiny tube something I'm very good at.

You seem to be, do.

You you scuba dives? Oh?

No way, would I ever know chance, I'd be up on the news. I'd be to be like well.

Some say he vomited so much in his in his suit that he took it in within every orifice of his body, and he died thoughts and prayers he drowned in his own vomit in the bottom of the ocean. Some say good riddance.

I'm actually I am shocked right now. I'm shocked right now. I feel like I want to take you snorkeling so I can clear you of this like fear of the small tube. Come with me on a holidays.

Done, let's go, let's go. Now what else? What else have you missed since you've been away? I don't know if you saw Matthew, but forell Oscar's birthday, I bought him a kite.

Oh you did that little cheeky video of actually there's a video with no Oscar, just you running laps up and down the park with the kite. Is that the kite you're talking about?

Yeah, So no one told me that kiting is hard.

I was not expecting it. So we bought this kite.

And there's the thing when with kids and you buy them something, they want to use it immediately, but kite not the case. Wasn't windy for like two weeks, and Oscar didn't quite understand that. So for every day for two weeks he was like, can we fly the kite? Not windy? It's not windy enough?

Was it actually not windy enough? Or were you just making up excuses.

A bit of both?

Yeah, great, yeah, fifty to fifty Yeah, two weeks. I had to endure this.

And look, I'm never buying him a.

Toy again that he can't use immediately. I think there's you know, we said, there's no advice. Here's some advice, a toy they can use instantly.

Because kids have zero patients, they don't understand it. It doesn't it's not something that they have within their like little tiny kid.

Mine Eventually we get a nice windy days a Friday. Everyone was at home.

It wasn't weekend sports.

So there's a soccer field just up from us.

Great, a big sun. Sun was out. Was it blowing like twenty four knots. I don't know what that is.

It was blowing in a direction and it was constant enough to hold a kite up.

Potentially, I'm imagining right now, you've got this like wind sock set up at the backyard of your house and every morning, quick get in the car.

Yeah, he's just running an airport in the backyard. And I was like, okay, let's go down. And I was in the car with April and I turned around. I said, do you know what fly kit.

Kite licensed?

And she was like, no, do you I was like, quick google it.

I fly kights like I snorffled as I google it, hungover and vomiting.

Just Google like a just google, like a quick tutory.

But it's like you just put you to release it.

Right. You're just like you think that there's a couple of things you shouldn't mix.

Please enlighten me.

You shouldn't mix string and toddling. Yeah, that's number one.

It's like tangle heaven.

We get there.

I'm like, looking at this kite going.

Many other kite flyers at the park, You're the only one which is also quiet. I get anxiety just thinking about the fact that other parents are there, going, Oh, the fucking dad with a kite, right, let's let's see what he's got.

Yeah, there was a guy like doing the lines of the soccer field. He was looking at me. He's looking at me intimidated. Yeah, and I set this thing up. First of all, it was back. I was trying to catch wind in the wrong part.

I didn't go up.

But then I didn't realize how aggressive it could be once I've got it up. So I'm like, but the thing is as well. Oscar's like, can I have a town? I'm like, I can't even get it going. Some of that video where I was just like, fuck it, I'm just gonna run really fast with it, and April was just laughing at it off at this fucking fully grown there trying to fly card.

It's like wrestling a while the animal.

It's like I couldn't get it off.

I couldn't. Eventually, when I did get it up in the air, I was like, lo, this bad, and Oscar was like, it's scary, and I was like, because it's like a dragon shape, it's not just your run of the mill triangle, diamond whatever.

You've gone all out, you've got the animal.

Well I went to get the cheap one and they're sold out. Yeah, the expensive one didn't I because he wanted a kite so bad anyway, So eventually I.

Figured it out.

I'm like, okay, I just you know, tinkered with it a little bit, like so that it was the right angle at.

This point, are you how many minutes? In twenty minutes?

Now, shit cower in and I think the whole time Oscar has been like you want to turn, I'm scared. Meanwhile, Macy's legging it away from this scary dragon. But the thing is, it was so windy that when it got in the air, it was like fucking flailing about and then it would hit the decks so hard. And then eventually the string got tangled, and then Oscar comes over to help me with the string, and then Oscar got fucking tangled.

Then Oscar goes to run away.

And because his tangle is tripped over and he's fallen over and there's tears Anyway, long story short, we have thrown the kite out. Yeah, get rid of it, and more advice from me, don't buy a kite n It's honestly, it's harder than parenting.

It's like Plato. I fucking hate Plato so things.

It feels weird on your hands.

It leaves awful residue on your fingers, and you have to watch the Michael Hawk the moment you stop watching your kids with Plato, it ends up on the carpet, it ends up in the hair on their shirts. And Lola absolutely anything like I look over and she's like half a tub down.

Just.

At it stopping.

And then I really like this red one.

Tell me loud, tell me.

Did you see the review that someone left?

I don't. I don't see. I don't go through this.

It was good, it was good. They said, we want more of that song.

At least sing a single. It's funny that maybe.

At some point, either on the anniversary of our first episode, we can do like an extended release on Spotify. The music video cover just an idea, throwing it out there.

Love it. Anyone that knows how to produce a music video please hit us up right now, because that is something I want to do.

How hard could it be that hard?

If the talent is the hardest part, You've already got that.

Yeah, I've got this comedic voice that it's honestly nazily singing.

Tell me, la shut the fuck up, stop it right now. Have you told any lies recently?

I feel like I'm consistently lying all the fucking time to my kids.

April never would never lie. I don't think I actually I've just been bribing my kids when I was away over in fig But I have had some very good lies submitted by the listeners, as she fucking quickly read you one if I may.

Yeah, and I've got one that someone sent too. I've sent someone someone that sent me a meme though. That's a really great lie that people would have heard of before. It's quite lengthy, So you do yours first, Ash, shut up.

I thought you saw this message.

No no, no, no no no, because I don't read the dance.

It's very, very very similar to your kite story. But I'll read this. This is from Lauren Laurence's lovely to get your message. She says, Hey, two doting dads. I love the podcast except for Ash's voice.

That's made up.

That was very clever. I'm a step mum of three and find your content relatable and hilarious. I didn't have to read this.

Front part, but I just give us a bloody little pash.

Of the ego. I do have to confess, though, I tell my eight year old step son a lie regularly. My parents bought him a kite for his sixth birthday, so that's two years ago, and I've been telling this boy for the last two years. It's not the right weather to fly a kite. Light breeze, na, sorry, mate, Howling winds ooh nah, mate, just blowing in the wrong direction, gale force winds. No way you get blown away with

That's great, is this? I didn't even see that mess?

Did you write that in this?

It's not for me?

Are you?

Are you pretending to be Lauren there?

No, it's amazing coincidence. It's kit it's kite season.

I would love to know how many if there is any parent out there who genuinely has had a successful day flying a kite with a toddler, do you exist?

The fuck thing is this is legitimately true. Is yesterday we went up to this skate park that's like a big park as well, but it's pretty quiet, and a family comes along with their kite flies it perfectly like I'm looking up at this thing.

Where they dress in suits, hair perfect? Are these people real?

Sweatbands was like a sport for them. Fantasting The kids were like anyway, so maneuver that. I'm like, show off.

This is very heavy on the kite content. You know when Bali they have those kites that fly above the rice fields and they just sit there perfectly like no one's even manning the kite.

It's scarecrows holding onto that thing like it's perfect.

Whenever that's what it was like.

Whenever I see that, that really entices me of like my internally.

Is that your aviation.

Taps into that. My mouth starts watering and I'm like, maybe I should get a kite. And then I speak to you, you tie.

Your toddler up with the string and then throw it out. I've hidden it at least anyway, that's a that's coincidence.

Yeah, talk about coincidence.

Definitely wasn't me. I do want to go through uh someone saying this is only like yesterday or today.

But someone says, can I just say please, just really quickly. I do read the m and I reply to people and I enjoy it, and a lot of people say when I reply, they go, I didn't think anyone would reply to it, because.

See what I'm doing. I'm setting a standard and you're do we.

Want to we want to hear from people message in I'm there, and you won't hear from ash, You'll hear from me, and I welcome them.

With open eye sign off that it's as I've seen.

Your fucking replies. You're like cool, story, thanks, whereas I'm like, ah, tell me more, Susan, what's you lie? Tell me?

Okay?

So this is the this is you would know this.

It's a meme as well. Sometimes I put movies on that are in Spanish, and when my kids get really confused and ask why they can't understand it, I tell them that they're just tie it and should probably take a nap, right fucking brilliant, brilliant. But then when they wake up from the nap, I put the same movie on in English and they think they're better.

Well played, Bravo.

That's great. I think like, look, I'm going to give it a go.

That's very manipulative. Yeah, you're a psychopathic and in an impressive way. I'm not judging. I'm saying well done.

It's great. Yeah, I think that's outstanding parenting.

You have tried it, or you will try it.

I'm going to give a go.

Yeah, see what the outcome is.

I feel like Macy will be like, ash, you've just put it on. Clearly it's in Portuguese, whereas Oskoo will be like, oh my god.

They both come out speaking fluid.

Portuguese.

Will show you we can watch anything.

Alright, As before we go, we do have time, I think very quickly. For some listener questions, love them. This is what I would say. Oh my favorite part of the podcast.

Yeah, mine's just getting to look at your face.

Ah, you uninterrupted, such a beautiful man. That's a lie. Okay. Question number one is potty training? How the hell do you do it.

On a women? A prayer? Look I've only potty trained Oscar in the last three months before returning for let's just say in the last six months. I'm still gonna wipe. Yeah, last night I said to him, I might look next pooh, you do give it a crack?

No, mate, you can't do that. It's it's because this morning Marley was like, I'm gonna do a WII and she's pretty good now, and we is like, yeah, fine, I don't care like whether you wipe or you don't wipe dry Yeah, yeah, fine. We went to daycare. I came back and she'd gone through like two fucking toilet rolls on the floor Like it was.

No, I'm going to ration the toilet. I'm gonna give him a square. Ye make it work so that you have.

To you have to give them a limited supply. Marley got into the She was just like going nuts.

Yeah, Macy does that, but she's just does it because it's fun.

Yeah, I get it.

So what was can I ask Ash? What was what was the kind of bribery signal? What was this signal? Were you guys man, okay coolars ready for potty training?

Probably when I he pooped in an appy, right, I opened it up, my finger slipped into it, and I thought to myself, We're done. I'm not fucking doing this anymore. You can get out of my house. No, I was like, this is fucked. I was like, I'm essentially cleaning a grown humans asshole.

I'm not a nurse anyway, and then I.

Just said, look, Originally he was petrified of the toilet, like I'm talking, sitting there going crying, and I had to either bribe him or threaten him that I'm going to flush him down if he doesn't do it.

And then eventually we got that.

We got there.

Now he's like I always. He was like, I need to do a pool.

I'm like oh.

Then and then it goes like two minutes later, it's like I'm done.

I'm like, oh, I just fell out of you.

He likes that.

Little dad joke for it. I've still got a But it's also the hardest part initially when they start, because the first week, the first two weeks, it sucks. It's awful. It's the pits because you just every twenty minutes you have to take them to the toilet and go time for a week and just like you'll sit there your wait. You might get away. You might not next twenty minutes go again, and you obviously forget it'll be like an hour and you go shit and then you look at

And then all of a sudden they're piss in the seat and.

Then you're like, I've got been in the car for like half an hour and you're like you look over and you're like, oh, you've got to piss. Please, don't shit, don't do it. Don't It's very stressful. It's a very stressful period.

To shame them enough, they're not going to just do it. So let's go with that.

And on that note, we'll go to the next question.

Matthew, is man flu a real thing or is it an excuse to get out of your responsibilities.

Look, it's a very good question, and I will be honest here. I'm going to let you in on some medical knowledge.

That doctor Matthew J.

Johnson.

I can't remember where I read this, but it is it's fact that man flu is a real thing. It's I think on average diagnosed, medically diagnosed man flu is three point five times more severe than a normal female flu.

Absolutely, it's there's not enough awareness. I would say I liken it to childbirth. I would say it's on par on par yeah, and we're gonna get canceled for that.

It's really pretty bad. I wish when I got the flu, I don't want to lay in bed all day and be on TikTok and Instagram. I want to be there with Laura amazing.

In the trenches. Want to be in the trenches.

I want to be there as well, flying kites with the kids in the park. I want that ash. I wish. I wish I wasn't so ill that I cannot parent.

And look, I am very guilty of if I'm like April's very like. April's like, oh, I'm not feeling well, might go for a run, do a full days work, go to the gym. I'm like, I'm not feeling well. I'm not going to leave the bed today.

I think Laura is it like and at the drop of a hat she will be absolutely fine, and then she'll go, oh my god, I'm so queasy. Oh my god, I think I'm gonna throw up. And I'm like, well from what, like, what is it? We're like literally walking on the pavement and she's like, oh my god, I'm gonna throw up. Next thing. She's like, oh fine, fuck did that rogue illness just come from?

And then she's brand new. It's like, you know what, my immune system is even stronger.

Now there it is. Whereas I don't do that. When I get sick, it happens, it's via, it's intense, and it's over in a couple of days, Whereas Laura, I also have to say that Laura is going to edit this podcast. So I'll just take the opportunity, Laura to tell you that I love you. You're amazing, You're beautiful, but you're always sick and I'm fed up of it. But I love you more than anything.

Okay, I would say, man, flu is one hundred percent real, and it's an epidemic, and you need to give us and every other man out.

There as much sympathy as possible.

As much sympathy is possible, should we.

Take a moment for all the men who may be suffering suffer joke me off. What's the cue of the bad flu?

Yeah, getting jerked off, Get jerked off, jerk it out of me.

And on that, Matthew. That's all we get out of it today.

There's only one thing that'll kill this man. We need to jerk it out of him.

There on the hour, every hour, there's nothing coming out. You've done your job.

Come back.

I'm sick again.

I really took a turn, didn't it.

Sure did. Anyway, that's all we have time for, and again, thank you for joining us.

Leave a review, follow, subscribe if you have. If you'll say I've said it before, I'll say it again. If you give us a nice compliment on dms on Instagram, they're pointless. It's not a good deed because I'm reading it. No one else is. I need any love and affection to be public. Okay, I'm very needy. I want to know that you like us, So if you do want to say something nice, there's only one place for it.

Even if you don't want to say anything nice, I couldn't give two shits.

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I will jerk you off.

That you make sailer Kay