Public sharts and parenting lies !

So there's something that really annoys me. It's really gotten under my skin. So the moment Macie regressing.

What's regressing.

Then they wake up early for no fucking reason. She usually seems like six o'clock, but she's been waking up like four thirty. It's fucking drag.

Will you go to bed at like four thirty in the afternoon? So that's fucking fine.

Tunny Apriel laughs so hard at that bit of the podcast. I was like, fuck, that's so add Yeah, so she's waking up really early and it's really pissed. But the thing that, you know what, that's fine, That's not the thing that annoys me. The thing that annoys me the most is when she wakes up that early and then at eight thirty in the morning she starts fucking yawning. The audacity on this child to do that. It's kind of like a slap in the face mid morning because

Know about you guys, but I'm hooped.

It's been a big day.

Welcome back to two going dads.

I'm Matty Jay and I'm Ash.

This is a conversation that is all about parenting, the good.

The bad, and the nightmarish and the relatable of course, and if.

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Yeah yeah, because at the bottom of the notes of the episode, yeah, ash, yes, it is the afternoon. It is the perfect time for an arvo. Ale. We're doing it. Here we go. Oh yeah, here's my friend. Thank you. It's been a big week, man, it's as some would say, it's a groundbreaking week because as of right now, I am what you call unemployed.

I wasn't sure if we're going to are we them? No, we won't.

Look that's all I'll say on.

How quickly are you like? I'll say anything?

And yeah, they're like you need to sign this NDA, I'm like, you know, what's okay? And then just first thing, that comes out of my mouth is just I'm like, no, I'm allowed to say I'm unemployed, which I am now as of today, which is great. So the Arvo Arvo ales in the Arvo from Better Beer and it's my favorite one of the range. The day just keeps getting better.

If ever there was an occasion to crack a tinney and your favorite, nonetheless, it would be right now. Actually, is this day one of being unemployed?

I've been anchoring all morning for a beer like now, I got a bas two hours it took me to get here worth it? Yeah, no driving home?

Now deserve this? Yeah. And for the first time Ash has come to my place, not driving his car, but he's jumped on the public transport, which is no easy feed. It does take a while. How long did it take your door to delicate it?

Two hours? I'm dedicated to the cause today, the Better Beer cause.

And we're on the rotation of going through each different product. We've come back to what we started on the Arba Whale and it's just fucking delicious.

It is good. It's definitely my favorite. I did like the ginger beer, surprisingly enough, but this I think that's the best one I've got so far from me. But I'm an ale guy. Like people don't like Ale, so I get it. But just to hinter of ail in this Ale.

I really don't want to put any more pressure on better beer. But like the whole livelihood of Ash and his family.

Is now resting on your shoulders.

Yeah, so like And also to the listener, if anyone's going, do you know what I've had? What is it like? Eight or nine apps? And I think I've had enough of two doting dads. If you leave us right.

Now, I will strip my clothes off to keep you. That's what's needed. I will do.

It because well, actually no, hang on a second, you're not unemployed, because let's be fucking honest, mate, you're an influencer.

I'm not.

You just come up, don't even try. Don't even try.

And what you call a content creator slash podcaster are now. But I don't bear the flag of influence your king dad influencer. I'm just king Dad, content creator.

At you're one of us. Welcome of us, wet you've done your first trip you went to I did.

Actually, First of all, what we were getting out is thank you better be here for for allowing us to create this episode. But yeah, I did just get back from Tokyo with Lulu Lemon amazing experience.

You sound like such an influencer. I'm so blessed.

I'm so hashtags hashtag gifted.

No, look, it was a sick trip.

It was a really good trip. It was a couple of days in Tokyo. They took us over there to have an immersive running experience, which was amazing. A big shout out to those guys. They put on an amazing four days long way to go.

Also, like I mean, just it must have been really tough for yourself going all that way, being away from the family.

Honestly, that the hardest part. That was the hardest part. Pretending to miss them. It was really hard. No, yeah, look, it wasn't a family trip. I wouldn't take the family there mainly because I don't want to be stuck on a plane with them for ten hours. But you look, it's a crazy city in oscar I would have lost him. Let's be honest.

You lose Macy in the apartment.

I've lost Macie and Just in the apartment.

Let alone, like crossing, am I saying it right?

She's the Shaboya Scramble act, I apologize forgive me, I'm the local.

Now what was your favorite part?

Probably I got to skate across the ship boy scramble, which I was severely hungover doing so and just finished a massive Japanese meal, so it was just planned or no, I just sole skater off one of the locals. Is really I mean they're such lovely people, did you honestly? Yeah? Yeah, I was just like can I borrow that? It was like yeah, sweet, straight across and we had like a photographer and like video created there. So shout out to Sam as well, but like that was that wasn't that

I can't of got over to the fact that this guy's just let someone looking like yourself like stinking and.

Yeah that was good. Also, the running experience was really good, Like it was really start stop because we went through Old Tokyo, so I saw more than I would have seen in a week there going on my own to adventure. Like it was like we did. It worked out to be like nine k's through Old Tokyo. We got a train during the run and some of the other through did New Tokyo, which was looked amazing as well. So yeah, it was crazy for a first you know, influence a trip.

How was it coming back to the hotel, because you know when you're away and you're like, I do actually, I'm sure there are moments you did miss the kids and you're like, I'll do a FaceTime and that they don't really give a shit.

Sometimes yeah, FaceTime. I FaceTime And then they were at kmart in the toy section, so I was ter. I was not in whatever. I was like, oh, I know you like whatever, I'm looking for a month to truck now beat it. That's pretty much the attitude I got. The first morning, I woke up reasonably early, like similar

You go back? Because if you've got activities at nighttime beyond your normal bedtime, which is quite seven. How did you go?

Sweet? Fight up? The body clock was just body clock was just non existent. It was so good. I really I feel like I did as much as I could in that time, and drank as much as I could in that time, and age as much as I did in that time, and I was not prepared to run nine k's.

Do you think that you'll now do teeth Whiting promotions today or will that come down?

I'm just waiting for Visilan to jump on the band way.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh look I drink wear far too much coffee for that walking around with four or five strips on my face. But yeah, full hashtag gift. I guess that's what you've got to do now. So if the ATO are listening, gifted hashtag gifted, gifted.

Still got that skateboard?

No, I gave it back. It's a nice scale roll, really nice.

Hey. While some of us have been enjoying gallivant around the world, the rest of us have been fucking in the trenches.

In the absolute. You know, it's nice to get away bit of recent. I did, I honestly I did, like I get home and I see them after four days and I was like, I missed them.

It doesn't last long, though, does it?

About thirty I'll get to that point thirty minutes and you're like, oh I missed Tokyo emailing going. Am I invited next year? I hope so.

But I've you know, I've been putting in the hours as I normally do.

You're a part work.

I would like a little break, to have a reset. It's not going to happen for a little while. We do have a trip coming up, but I've come off the back end. Dancing with the Stars is now finished. They've finished filming. It'll be on air in like a couple of weeks.

Is it a couple? I thought? Why did I think it was already on?

I think it starts on like the eighteenth of June, so pretty soon.

Okay, I'm going to pencil it in.

So I bet you can't fucking wait to watch Laura dance.

I'm not going to watch it.

The most amazing Fox trots you've ever seen.

As actually we'll see.

And that you're not going to watch it kind hard to fucking get count.

Now they've got a calendar on the Friegelant.

But I've done every morning with the girls, doing the daycare runs the last couple of weeks, and it's got to the point where my patience is pretty thin. And there was one little thing that really just set me off. And it was nothing like in the scheme of things. It was. If it was in a normal routine where me and Laura are sharing the responsibility, it would have been fine. But it sounds so fetaty. It really does.

Had to complain about having kids and then having two parents.

The kids that you have, well, someone did mess with on social media and they're like, like, why'd you have them? If you're going to complain about.

It, I'm pretty sure having kids like part of complaining is part of being a parent. If you don't complain, what's the point. What are you going to talk What are you going to talk about with your friends?

Like? Nothing?

The good things?

Yeah it is, But I was making breakfast, running really really late as well. I had to go to work.

And you didn't have a job. But yep, I.

Okay, don't get me started. But I thought, you know, Marley always has toast in the morning, like every single morning. I always, I always just butter, just butter. She just wants the butter, and I always ask her what do you want? She goes, I want toast. I just want butter, and I got cool this morning. I was like, I'm not even gonna ask her. I was going to put the toast down and I start putting butter on it. She comes out and she looks at me and she's like,

The butter, and how it should be done anyway.

Which is delicious, which is great, and she's like start an argument. She goes, no, I don't want any butter. I just want the peanut butter. And I'm trying to explain to her, like, hey, I hear you want the peanut butter. You're not even go to taste the butter. She's just gonna make it a little bit more delicious.

It's going to make it like peanut buttery.

She's like, I don't want it, and I'm like, you're going to eat it, and I'm like, I don't want to wait. Literally, I'm like, you're going to have this, and then I raise my voice. She starts crying, Oh my fuck. You know, so then end up putting more toast down. We get out the door, and it's not until you get back from daycare and the house is quiet that you then feel a little bit guilty and you're like, oh, probably shouldn't have gotten angry in that situation.

But I'm just going to have a wan.

Shit. Dad of the Year Ashton Wicks made what I was talking about. Oh yes, I got home, jumped on social media and a friend had sent me this video and he was another dad and he was like, oh, I think this video is. It's like quite a beautiful thing and I find it really helps me. I watched it. This is a video action. I'm going to give you a little listen right now.

Okay, any time you getting frustrated with them, just close your eyes and imagine you are eighty years old and you have a time machine that is bringing you right back to this moment, and this is the only moment you will get with them again when they're young.

It's awesome.

I mean, it's incredible advice.

That's very good advice, very good advice.

And it totally changes everything, and you're like, oh yeah, I'll take this.

All day long. First of all, if my kid's having a meltdown, the only reason I'm closing my eyes is to escape the reality of the situation. I'm not thinking about me being eighty. First of all, I don't want to live to eighty offense of the eighty year olds living out there. That is old. I don't want to get there. For starters, But that's garbage.

I think it's such a shit video.

Who has the patience to be like, hang on a minute, Okay, well, you're having a meltdown and just doing something completely unreasonable because you don't have any control of your emotions yet because you're so young. Let me just close my eyes for second. Should just fucking run off? Maybe just visualize what it would be like to be eighty. So that's the first step. Then the second step, I'm going to visualize that this is the last day that I'm ever

Great.

Maybe I would do it at home. If it was like something happened and we got home and then I had some quiet time and you can reflect on it, then I understand it. But in the moment, in the moment, I fucking has time for that. I'm fighting you and you're fighting me.

Yeah.

My thoughts on that.

I hate the fact that it just plays into that parent guilt of like, this is the last time you're ever going to see your child and if you don't make.

It, does that guy even have any kids?

Well? And if he does, I bet you he's there for like two hours on the weekend and he's playing golf for the other like rescidence.

With Joe Rogan. Yeah, anyone that's hanging out with Joe Rogan ain't looking after their kids. Absolutely. First of all, I need to know if he's got kids, so let's look that up. But that's the sort of advice you'd get from someone who doesn't have kids. If someone who doesn't have kids try to give me any advice, I'm like, let me stop you right there. Can I talk to

Does not work like that.

The ones that show real patients end up being axe murderers down the line because they can't get the emotion out.

Totally, totally. I think, who has got the time? You're going to spend your entire freaking day visualizing yourself being eighty because it's just relentless looking after the toddlers. It's just like getting ready in the morning, like getting the shoes on, having breakfast, getting out the door, getting in the prem like.

Everything is extenssive. Task of the way is going to be a melt and you know what is happening. The toddlers are probably going he goes dad again, closing. I'm right here, and they don't give a ship what you're doing. That's what I mean. If I close my eyes, Oscar would be like, I'm fucking out of here, man, Like I'm going to go see someone who's not going to close their eyes when they carry on like this.

It's also the conversation about gentle parenting when people are like, you can't raise your voice to the kid. And look, don't get me wrong, within reason, you shouldn't be young at your kid every minute of the day.

Onetime something for the record, show that. But unless I raise my voice, nothing gets done.

Nothing gets done. I could be like, onlie, please put your socks on, and unless I'm like put your socks on right now, she's just going to be like give me the bird.

And push you and push you and push you. So have you seen that guy's content where he's like in the car and like someone's pretending to be his daughter and they're like left their bag. They're like, okay, accidentally left. It's it's okay, and then it's got like a normal parents Like what.

That costs me?

Fucking so much?

Like nothing gets done, nothing happened unless you're like you know how you meet those people who don't need to yell to hit their voice to be heard. They just have a real stroke. I don't have that. I'm very much like if I was to get like that, it's yelling, Like sometimes I'm not even yelling at it was like do you have to yell? I'm like just I just want to be heard in my own house. And these fucking kids, put your shoes on.

I'm glad you hate that video because I read the comments and everyone's like, that's such amazing advice. We should all live like that and parent like that. I'm like, fuck up people who say we should live every day like it's your last.

You should all live naked on a farm somewhere.

It's not the fucking reality of parenting. Okay, I'm glad on the same page.

Yeah, absolutely, Like that's fucking dribble. I know we said we're not going to talk too much shit and poo on this podcast, but it seems to come up every episode, so I'm just going to run with it.

It's all good for it. One lady did say, like, you guys really do talk about your kids pool lit. It's a little bit too much information.

She's probably staring at it. If she's got young enough kids, she's probably like, if I see a shit, at least I know what to do with it and throw it out. If it's mum, she's like, gives a look, what color is it.

It's telling us to not talk about kids pooh is like telling a footy podcast not to talk about rugby league.

It's like, don't talk about rugby league. On this Rugby League podcast, all we talk about absolutely, we just talk about kids and their shit.

What happened?

So Oscar's like toilet train now so, which is great of course, except for I've got to wipe it from a different angle than i would with an appy. It's a little bit. I actually hit my head on the This is completely unrelated to the story. I went to bend over to help him wipe it. Hit my head on the counter. So I haven't asked why injury concussion.

We're eleven days whereabouts.

Right on the top, didn't wear how to or This is.

Completely unrelated and probably won't make the cart. Give me your hand for a sec.

What's that? Oh?

Yeah, So once I was doing a piss.

Did you just get a haircut?

Yeah? Sorry, Oh my god. Sorry. Once I was doing a piss and it was such a big piss after a big night out.

I love that piss. There's something that's better than sex, that piss.

And I was standing there and I was just like.

Oh, just the flow of it.

I was coming out. It was like a damn that had just like opened.

Up and it was just like I'm feeling.

I don't know, like the exact rate of piss. But it was just like lead.

To ps PSI on those things.

And then it just wouldn't stop. It wouldn't stop and kept going and going going, and I was like, fucking hell, I've been here for a while now, so I was like, I'll just give it a little little push to help it come out, to finish it off. And I started pushing and and then next thing you passed down. I fucking and I woke up on the bathroom floor covered in piss and blood everywhere because I hit the head in the corner of the bar.

That that is a great story. I can't believe you've never told me that before. When was that?

That was when I was like twenty four, that's great. I just like moved to Bondy and I was like, I love that having nights out back in year.

Yeah.

Four stitches, four stitches.

Yeah, that's wild.

Yeah. I was so confused.

When I woke up, I bet we covered in pistol.

I was covered in piss. The thing was still flowing. When I woke up, I came to it was still pumping out.

You could have died. Imagine that as your death story. That would be so funny.

He went how he would have liked to have.

Gone, Yeah, really pushing out the sorry I'd interrupted anyway, So Oscar is toilet train now, which is great except for like he's got like sometimes you've got to sit in there with him, and you've got to witness the crime, witness the crime happening instead of just coming in ut in the aftermast it's cleaning up.

It's such a unique environment being in the same room as someone else as they're like staring you in the eyes as they're pushing out a massive shit. It's a real bonding experience.

And when you hear it splash and they splashes up on their bum.

Marley makes it. Marley makes me hold it. So makes me hold her hands, just like hold my hands, hold my hand, and I'm like, it's like she's you know, in mid like exorcism. The demons are leaving her.

Body, pinching off a log land some cable. So yeah, but he's obviously he stands up to wee because he's the boy. Yes, which no one does that in your house, does he have he's a little stool, but he doesn't really necessarily need he can reach, but he's got a stool, so the other day, he's come home from kindy and he's got oh, he's always got to announce, he's got a week away. He turned a light on for him walk away. He does this thing and I hear this fart right, it's like so long, and I was like,

This isn't anyone who's not in Brisbane, and it's like there's.

All the games of Nral played in the Wednesday.

One of the biggest weekends of Rugby League of the entire season.

Yeah, yeah, biggest weekend for arrest.

And you could say that there's a couple of drinks get drunk, a couple.

Of leisurely drinks get drunk. Anyway, it's the first night.

Yeah.

We're at sun Corps Stadium watching one of the games and I thought I could sneak out a little fart. Turns out it was on the flock and I leant over to my mate and I said, I've just I've just shipped myself and he was like, oh fuck. I met sun Corps Stadium and I was like, shit, we're staying at a hotel across the road. It's still quite a walk.

In that moment, were you thinking this is just like a slight slip, a little splash.

Or you like, oh no, I think this is rock bottom. The fact that I recalled the story as soon as I saw a pool of shit in the bottom of a pantsd He's sort of walking behind me. We're just making tracks up to this hostel and he was like is it bad? Is it bad? And like I was like, crack the door for him to have a look, and I've completely mud slid in these underpants and it was like a pool at the bottom, and it's just trapped itself.

How old are you at this point?

Oh? This is like three years ago. So I when I saw Oscar standing there and I thought, this is it. This is what they mean when they say like father, like son.

Were you proud?

Oh? Yeah, I was like one day, son, me and you're both gonna shit up.

We're going to magic around, have you I'm going to I think I know the answer to this question. It's not so much have you it's more okay? So yes, lying to your children?

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yep, yep.

Have you told many lies to your kids at all? Either to maybe get them to behave or to avoid a meltdown?

So at the moment, So, my son turns four this week, So for four years he has yet to have a birthday party, because every birthday party we go to someone else's. I'm just telling him that that's also his birthday party.

What do you mean on his first birthday?

I've saved so much money. No, we just like to small family things, but like not it's big who who go to the big who has? And I just say to Oscar and he's like, he's like, when's my party? Like this, this is it. He's had about four or five birthday parties.

This year, so he's very lucky.

He's a very lucky boy. It was funny because I put like a little thing on my Instagram this week saying, hey, what should I get this four year off his birthday? One of our friends rode on their birthday party one.

At what point do you think you'll actually give him a birthday party?

Well, originally we thought originally we thought we won't give him one until he asked for one, But he asked for one really early, so we threw that out of the window. And now we're just we're just winging it until he realizes, yeah.

Up until four it is quite ridiculous. Like we gave Marley a very extravagant birthday party at home.

It was I think it was homes.

There are at home, but we still, like, you know, we had still do the Yeah, we had.

Like, did you have entertainment, like a child entertainer not a stripper?

We did. I think, Well, Marley's aut to turn four and she's really chomping on this idea of having a fairy like she wants a fairy birthday.

Party, and that's pretty common for her girl.

We know we never had an entertainer, but I think we went all out for the first birthday party, second, third, Yeah, just like it was down the pub almost more a place where the kids can run around and the parents can have a drink. But now we've got the fourth.

Birthday after ours.

Yeah. Yeah, you may get an invite.

You have to too far for us, Yeah yeah, all right, Well the thing we're going to on Saturday, the Blue thing. I told Oscar that's it's like that's a few birthday.

That's his birthday for anyone who's unfamiliar. Ash and I both because Ash is an influencer gifts, say that we've got an invite to a Blue premiere.

And Blue is going to be there.

Yeah, and so Ash's.

Like birthday parties sort it.

That is it, But we might get the entertainer.

Speaking of entertainers for parties, children's parties specifically. We're at the park. This is a little while ago. I'm talking like two or three months ago, and it's one of those parks where they have, you know, multiple parties at once because great, okay, because then like kids join in the big park and whatever. But we weren't there for a party. We're just there at the park with some friends and whatever. And all of a sudden, this guy comes running out of the bush, full like head to

Did you think to yourself, Fuck, I've got I've got to rescue the kids here.

On my first instinct, he is there's some content in this, don't worry about the kids. Somebody thinking the children anyway comes over and then I didn't really realize. In one hand he had a boom box and he starts like full dancing, dancing, and I'm like what the fuck? And like I was, it was like, oh, we have to go home down like no, no, no, no, no, I want to watch. I want to watch what happens. Anyway, he's like playing these games, like full hostage games. It

And he's making good money. He's what are you like, You're paying at least like two hundred bucks right for an entertainer for a couple of hours.

Oh yeah, it must be yeah, yeah, but like it was never seen anything like it, And Oscar saw this guy run past and was traumatized, petrified. Yeah, but then when we saw him tied to the tree, I thought, this guy's onto something.

I'd love it if it was actually someone who's abducting kids. And he's just like, oh, it's an entertainer, and he's like strangling kids and tying them up.

But like he was doing all the ninja moves. But it just out of nowhere, comes out of the bush. It's unbelievable anyway, So I just told Oscar that was his birthday, buddy. But yeah, look, I do lie to them. That's one of the lies.

Yeah, I think everyone lies.

I think they're just like white harmless lies.

Yeah.

The that was a bit more depriving and fun and probably meaningful.

As long as like, once he gets to like the age of once he's at school, I think you need to start having a birthday. I mean, not to tell you how to parent ash, you know, but if he's like, you know, you want a grade one, I'll have a birthday party, right, yeah.

But it'd be like a piss up.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, okay, great, a couple of little white lies. But I told a bigger lie to Marley the other day because she does this thing where I don't know if your kids ever did this, but to comfort herself, she'll suck her thumb, put a finger in her nose and then rubs her nose like this and put a finger in the nose and rubs like that. That's a hum Yeah. Yeah, I try to google to see why she does it.

But did you get some weird things? That's so weird.

Yeah, it's her comfort thing and if she if she's going to sleep.

It's funny because my comfort things is, but she loves.

It, and no matter what we say, we're like, hey, I don't pick your nose because if we're out and about and she's getting tired and embarrasses, but she can't stop. And then we try to tell hey, it's you know, it's not good. You've got bad germs on your fingers and stop doing.

That, which that's true.

Wouldn't listen, would true? This is the good stuff. And then I thought, you know what, what's going to stop her from doing this is just telling her a little lie. So I said, if you keep picking your nose, you're going to make your nostrils bigger and your brain's going

Like, holy fuck, imagine if that happened.

And she like rip, and she's like, Daddy, I don't want my brains to fall out. And I was like, well, you better stop. And then she starts crying and I'm like, oh, this is getting a bit.

Oh she's like, oh shit, she got the visuals.

And Laura is like, what's wrong, and I'm like.

Don't tell her, don't tell her, don't tell her, don't tell her.

My nose, my brain is going to fall out. And Laura's like, what have you done? And I'm like, but look, she's she's not doing it anymore.

It's worked, and she's just completely traumatized.

And I'm like, it's a little lie, right.

Yeah, I think they're harmless like that. Honestly, that was really creative of you, and I like it, thank you, And I think Marley needs to take a good heart, look at herself and realize that she took that the wrong way, not on me, that it's on her, thank you, thank you very much, and her sister should be backing you up.

But I did a little call out on my socials and asked the other good parents of this country what lies have you told your kids? And I got a lot of answers, a couple of beauties. I'm going to read a couple of you. Now.

I think, like we all do it, okay, there's always that little lie you tell back to like what our parents would have told us, being like don't sit too close to the TV. Your eyes will go square. Lie and then they wonder why we grow up to be liars.

Yeah, because you've created.

You've created this person. You told me that lying is okay. So now I lie on my taxes. I don't. It's the at is listening again. Hashtag gifted. I don't lie on my taxes. That's because I haven't done them.

I actually put the call out there on my social media and I asked other parents, what lies have you told your children? I've picked my top three.

Okay, lam on me.

So line number one tooth fairy doesn't work on the weekends because the mom didn't have any any cash in the hound.

Who has cash? What are they doing? Unless the kids got payWave And so.

The daughter was like, hey, I'm like, I put my tooth under the pillow because obviously she must have lost it before.

She's like, sorry, sweet, I'll put it through the pokes last night. No, that's not a bad one. I think a really innocent one. Was like, yeah, but they don't to buy yourself time. I like it. I do like it. I wouldn't use it because I'm just going to tell my kids that I'm just not going to let them know that they get money. I'm just all about saving money savvy, I'm not. I'm not judging cheapskatele.

Line number two. Every swear word you use kills an.

ELF that the kid uses. Yeah, which is bad because there'd be so many dead elves in my house. You've listened to previous episodes. I think we've worked out that I have got no filter around my children.

Elf.

If no kids get toys this year, it's because of my kids actually repeating me. And Macy hasn't even started talking yet, so imagine what that's going to be.

Like Jesus, it's an aggressive lie. I think using death is part of the liar is aggressive, but look, if it works fine.

Death is part of life. They need to figure it out sooner or later. I like it.

Christmas is a great catalyst for getting your kids to behave and off the back of that, if you have to say a few white lies Christmas and birthdays.

So like at the moment, his birthday coming up, but he's obsessed with we wouldn't know. He doesn't know when he was born, so he's just obsessed with band aids. So this morning I was like, do you know if you use too many band aids. I'm not going to be able to afford to buy your toys for your birthday. You'll have to just have band aids for your birthday. Or we did that to get him out of nappies. Well, we can't afford to buy your toys anymore because we've got to buy your nappies. So for your.

Birthday, living is rising.

Ye, you're not brightthday, you'll get nappies. And he was out of them nappy quick smart. I'm full of advice, not just a pretty face.

This is my third line that I got submitted. Hey, we may do, we may do moving forward. I've got a lot of submissions. We might do little segment top three, little recurring segment. But this is the third final.

Ye.

This dad told his sons that if they don't get dressed, willy chickens will eat their private parts. It's like a bin chicken, but instead of the garbage, they only like cock.

With the gay chickens. Look, that is probably effective.

It's quite traumatic.

I think it's kind of that's a bit silly. Like I think it depends how old your kids are. I think if I said that to Oscar, he'd be like, what.

Which one's the willy chicken. Then you're like, oh, it's that one over there, the cockatoo. Oh yeah, it.

Makes a lot of sense, makes total sense. That's very creative. Like I said, there are a lot of creative lies out there. That's a strange one. Really, we went really dark there with the death and the chewing off all.

That's like nine percent of the lies that parents gave me, either about death or like dicks.

All right, Matthew, So listening questions. We've got a long list of listener questions, but we only have so much time.

If only we had you know, imagine we had five episodes a week.

Of people would hate us. Me The other day when I spoke to them, they're like, I just listened to all the episodes. I'm like, we're probably sick in my fucking voice. Yeah, like a little bit, don't blame you. So look, five is a bit excessive, but we do have a lot of listening.

Questions and we get so yeah, we're going to get two.

We only get two per episode, which I think at the moments and half because there can be some heated discussions about it. Hence the circumcision chat last week.

Oh yeah, kicked off on TikTok.

Of course it did, isn't it funny? People are just like so loyal.

To their own, to their own.

In their own or their preference.

I made a joke on I think it was Instagram. Actually I said, let's be honest, those who are circumcised are superior, and people were like.

Owen classes, Matthew, we're all equal equality, penal equality, well said what I'm all about? Thank you the teacher.

What do we got this week?

This week? First question is dummy or not too dummy? Now there's no real extension on that, so let's just go that. It's as a whole pun works. Yea far away, I'll take it far away. What are you?

I am all about the dummy?

Elaborate?

So the dummy for us? Still, don't you fucking judge me? Don't you sit there on your high horse and say still, yeah, look, okay it is. We tried to.

Get rid of the dummy for who are we talking about here? Okay, give us some more information.

So the dummy was for Marley only up until a year ago. I think like Marley was using the dummy for like every nap time, like to put him put them to sleep, but then two things.

Can you put your nipple in my mouth?

I tried. Look, Lord knows that I tried. Certain moments, we've got the dummy off Marley, but for Lola, every nap time she still has that. Midday nap still has the dummy. Then she has the dummy when she goes to bed at nighttime, even if we're in a long car ride. Lola needs a dummy and has gotten to the point where the lady at daycare because a few times I've forgotten to put the dummy in the bag, and when I picked her up, he goes, oh, she had a really tough day because she didn't have the

She should have pulled it out of Lola's mouth and shut suck on that. Oh Jesus, wow.

Okay, we all know how you feel about early education teachers.

I love them to this. They listened to this, but just like comments not needed.

We already know. I know I need to get her off the dummy. I will do it, just not right now, because every time we're like you know it takes four nights or five nights. Once you get pike, first night, second night awful. After that, you make it a progress. But fucking's so busy that we just can't deal with like a screaming baby until ten o'clock at nights.

Like, yeah, sometimes you just need to sleep, Like I get you do what works, right. It's like things that like my kids sleep with right comforters, right, so comforting. You look at me and they're like that Oscar still sleeps with like April's old breastpads. Yeah, like the washable one. They've been washed a million times. They're not still used. She's not leacing that I know, not interlactating, but yeah, like I don't know, and like it's just a comfort thing, right,

I do, I hear. I can feel the other parents out there judging me. It's on our to do list, will get lol up off.

The life gets in the way. It's not a big deal. It's not that they're going to be like at school's with a dummy in the mouth, maybe a different type of dummy. My kids had dummies, both sleeping and sleeping whatever, but I think at some point they just didn't want them anymore, and like, we're really lucky. Some kids get really attached to them, so it's like, yeah, you've got to do these things. Thankfully we didn't have to do that.

Ask the good question. And we will make this quick because we're running out of time. Spoken to much. Favorite show for your kids to watch.

Mine's more of a movie. Those who are listening may be familiar, and Matt, I don't know if you are.

What's the name of it again, Sea Beast, Sea Beast.

So it's on Netflix cartoon it's animation. Yeah, it's animation, So it's kind of like a piority sort of theme, but like, look, you have to go and watch it because my kids love it. It's one of those shows that you put on and they'll just go. You could pretty much drive a bus pass them and they haven't noticed. It's great.

I've never heard of it.

It's really good. And like every time a friend comes over, he's one. So the other day I was at a mate's house and his parents. My mate's parents live next door, and they're what fifty whatever. We're watching Seabe's and I haven't seen his parents because of COVID for like three or four years.

Hang on a second, You're like, I'll answer this really quickly, and then like I just wanted to I just wanted to explain, please please, the action of the.

So his dad comes over, his dad comes oup. I guess gonna get really weird that his dad comes over and he was like, hey, hey, you haven't seen you whatever. Finally gets to meet my kids, haven't seen him so long, and he's just distracted by the CBOs. What's it? I was like, it's Seapce. He's like, what's that about? And it just sits down. This is like a fifty year old man this year or something. He's like, oh yeah, and then after like ten or fifteen minutes, he's like,

Okay, I gotta jump on it because I'm in the bloody slippy train.

Or you know, blippy shit on someone.

Yeah, in the army.

Yeah yeah, I wasn't in the army, was it or was it?

I thought it was in the When I was in the army, I was on his face, not his army or Gabby's dollhouse.

Fucking has that weird guy talking. He's like, well, were you.

Mike got into these They build these like miniature like imagine like a McDonald's, but they make it out of like cardboard, like it's a little.

Like so much weird stuff out there, but they're making millions about you to so.

I need to. I need to. I need to get her off that. Otherwise, give Sea Beast to go, I will.

It might not be fair. Macy loves it.

Otherwise it's Bluey.

Yeah, Blue is a good one. Shut up Pepper Pig. My brother in law hates Pepper Pick gets a lot of honey. Pepper picks a bitch, And I'm like, people don't like her.

That's a pig they find they find it really rude. Yeah, you find it really like obnoxious, rude to the parents and apparently teach bad habits to young kids. A lot of hate on on Pepper Pig. Yeah, I don't see it myself.

I'm fine.

I think I think people have been a little bit harsh, but good watch out.

Yeah, so you guys just look out for it, any bitchiness from that tiny little cartoon pig. Yeah, you stay safe out there and that. No, that is all the time we have today. So again, thank you to all the doting parents and non parents and even.

The non parents.

I mean, we can't heaps of people saying to me, I don't even have fucking kids. I'm like, Okay, yeah, it doesn't matter, thank you, I guess. But like also, like what that say about.

I mean it does about us. It does sound very arrogant, But.

I then we appeal to the masses.

Well said, We are getting a lot of people right now because we always put the call out and say every now and then, maybe like once a month. I think, is that kind of the bonus EPs will do with the guest everybody? Everyone, like the most number one suggested Dad to get on the.

Podcast, Donald Trump, No, No, Blake might be a little bit. Yeah, look, Hamish Blake come up a lot. So we're working on fel free to DM here.

We are working on it. We have a contact that we have harassed.

He's got a couple of cleaners that we have harassed. Matt and I now own a cleaning company.

And we're doing our best to Infiltrateor's house.

Yeah, we're getting there.

But we do have a bonus out. Maybe not next week, the week after. He's a footy player.

I've got a couple of good ones coming up.

We'll tease, we won't say it is a mystery.

Yeah, it's Jared Hayne, straight from prisons.

Our's Long Bay. But if you have enjoyed this episode or any episode, we would absolutely love it more than anything else, more than I love my children. If you would give us a review, don't don't give us a private DM saying we like the podcast, because that's all of the channels we've got to make a public Also give us a follow both on two Dotting Dads on Instagram and also on Apple podcast. You got to follow it so that episode gets right injected into your inbox

New beginnings. Thank you guys for listening. Appreciate it.

Cheers. Two Doting Dads. Podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and the connections to land, sea and community.

We pay our respects to their elders past and present and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torrestraight Islander peoples today. This episode was recorded on Gadagal Land