Lord of the Throne

Something happened to me this morning. And I don't know if it's happened to you before, but you know, like lately, I've had a little bit of crooked guards. I don't know why this happens all the time. You shut it anyway, that's not what I'm I'm not telling that story.

Continue have interrupted?

So like, how many times have I shipped myself and told it on this podcast? Nearly every episode? No, I was just like just run of the mill morning bog. But because I've been unwell, there's been a lot of cleaning the back of the bowl with the brush.

Yes, And this.

Morning, this morning, I'm cleaning the back of the bowl with a brush and a bit of water flicked up.

No, no, no, thankfully not in the eye.

Welcome back to Two Dating Dads. I'm Maddie J and I'm This is a podcast that happens to be all about parenting for good, the.

Bad, and the relatable.

And as always, we do not offer any type of advice.

Yes, we definitely don't. I don't know what else to add to that. That's pretty obvious.

I do want to say there happens to be quite a lot of people who don't have kids, not even trying for kids, just taken advice who have started listening.

Yeah, I've noticed that people have been like, I'm in my twenties and don't even have kids. It's like, why are you listening to me? Ramba?

You know when you speak to someone who doesn't have kids in the same way that you would speak to someone who did have kids, and you talk about food and sleep routine, and I can just see within three seconds just the joy leave their face and they're like, no.

One gives us. It's like showing friends kids pictures you no one gives. We spoke about this the other day with the wedding video. Remember we're talking about me you, Lauren April were talking about like showing people your wedding video. It's just like they glaze over the that they could not give two.

You may as well be showing them a video of like, hey, look at this bit of paint drying on a wall.

Do you like that?

Yeah?

And is it a testament to ask that people without kids are listening? Absolutely it is. Yeah, it must just be well done, well done to both of us.

I don't know if we've had this bit.

I actually, legit have never had this particular better beer.

No have we No, I don't think No, we should wish back on it now.

Oh I just squirted everywhere, that's what she said.

Yes, can you stop ejaculating things?

Oh yeah, it's a mid strength for those of you listening, better be MIDI so.

Is that's three percent asked for those playing at home.

I drove because last time I got public transport, I swore like a sailor on this podcast.

And you got home at like three am. I do just want to say you're looking delicious and the better be a tiny monster shirt.

And I'm so stoked when I got that.

It's a good color.

I like they really went for the monster theme on that.

I really did.

Yeah, we are on the mid strength for a reason because coming up.

To Dridge your line, yeah.

Look that's trademarks. I don't know if we can actually say.

Yeah, can we say I'll say it, come and sue me, come get me?

Yeah, I can come straight off.

I'm not scared.

Not me because I don't have the money.

Are you going to do drive your line?

I feel absolutely not. Look you want to think about it. I did January February dry.

How did you feel?

Oh, like an athlete.

But it's just not the real ash, is it.

It's not the real me? Like April prefers that. Look, I did feel really good, so it was a cleanse. Then I might do one later in the year.

I'm going to do drive your life, so I'm going to support you. You can be on the sideline.

I will drink your.

Beers perfect if that's O perfect. So this is yeah, this is like a little warm up to what do we now?

We're winding down the percentage of alcohol.

We've got like like a week till July. I don't want to sound really cliche, but isn't the year going quick? Shut up? What am I saying? Sorry? Sorry? Cut that out.

April I was like, oh my god, you know it's technically July. It's like, baby, it's June first. Just chill out.

I'm with April on this April April. If you're listening, I can't believe it either. It's shocking. It is absolutely shocking.

Such a boomer thing to talk about, like how quick gear is going.

It's all I've got. It's all I've got that that and git it's cold at the moment.

It's like such a go to small tour.

It's mate daycare drop off. Literally every pair.

I don't know what to say.

You just say, oh it's nippy. Yeah, I could really feel it my fingers.

Yeah, it's like I was in the surf just then and I was like one guy sitting next to me. I was like that wins cold. It was like, no, ship, it was bold. I was like, I actually back because it's like my head's probably going to be a little bit warmer than yours. So, but that's such a go to Yeah, go to chit chat. I don't really finish that one already. What that's like halfway?

Oh my god, you are the fucking tinmy monster.

Yeah, boy, not wrong, not wrong, Ash.

I don't know if you saw my stories over the weekend. I was at a wedding which had a little disaster.

Oh last weekend.

Yes, yes, a little while ago, a surprise wedding.

Actually, I do recall the stories because I screenshot a lot of them and zoomed right in your face. Because that's the sort of friend I am where I send you your half blurred face going like you look like a fucking idiot. Yeah, I'm just like this guy's excited.

Thanks, Ash, So we were at Shady Pines for what everyone thought was a birthday. It was a location where the two people getting married had the very first so we came back there like nine or ten years later for the birthday. We knew that it was going to be a wedding because Laura had done the rings, so we were up to speed.

I did see that, yeah, yeah.

And how it was going to play out. A friend of ours who's a celebrant, also does some MCing. She was on the mic, still very much playing the game of this is a birthday party, have an MC But I think every I think everyone never got it. Yeah, everyone knew. And the way it was going to play out.

Love is disgusting, It's awful, awful.

The way it was going to play out is that we had some birthday cakes, beautiful, big birthday cakes, like they would have cost a bit of money, Like, yeah, extravagance.

The wedding cake. Look they're expensive, look delicious. Did they have the surprise wedding so that when they told vendors they're just having a birthday, it wasn't this.

Expense cater was airding, Like motherfucker is they charge an extra forty percent stitch up so the mc slash celebrant was going to say, Hey, we're going to put some sparklers on the birthday cakes. We're going to sing happy Birthday out of the Happy Birthday surprise. It's actually a wedding. That was a game plan a little bit of context as well. There's a few people there who I didn't know. And Shady Pines is it's in the city. It's almost like a basement that you go into.

It sounds, honestly, sounds very shady like. It's it sounds like a strip class.

It's a great pub, great part.

Oh, i'd say, ba, I know one thing. There were some barrel tables there.

Yes, and there was like a moose head, there's a deer head, lots of taxidermy. But people would go outside because it was during the day so it was lovely weather outside. One person at the party was smoking a vape, well I thought it was a vape and he said, do you want some? And I don't, you know, I don't know. I don't smoke vabes. But also like in that situation where there was a couple of them and they said, have some of this, and I, what is it?

Like? Just Dad's on the vapes just a I don't know.

What it was to do, but I've I was lightheaded, like.

It look if you haven't had a vape before and you suck it back.

Like it wasn't it was something else.

Nah, it's just like makes you dizzy, man.

Dude, I was. I was not quite with it.

So is that why your photos do you look like that?

I was kind of in front of these people. I was like, well, that's good, vabe. I went back inside still like and back into the basement where it's all quite dark. My job was to light the sparklers as I'm still quite not with it, feeling a bit tingly. You know, it's dark down there people. And Laura, I'm gonna put Laura in the ship now because she said the best way to light these sparklers is to bunch them together really tightly.

And you light them all of them.

So Laura had I'm going to say, like twenty sparklers like held tightly.

And I was trying to burn the place down.

I mean, have you made a sparkle bomb before? Yeah?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I am a male, I'm a male, was a child yeah yeah yeah.

It's dangerous. Yeah, and you know if I hadn't had that vape, I would have been thinking more clearly and I would have said this is a bad idea, Yeah, but I go for it. I'm too high for this, bring him here. They were too light.

The watermelon vape really got to me.

And they even said someone made a joke saying about the fire alarm is going to go off.

Dude, that ship shut up.

That ship went off like it you know when they start to take and it goes it's a little spark yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's just smoke everywhere. Oh my god, it's like letting off a flare, dude.

It was. It was crazy. It was absolutely crazy.

Laura, not your best idea, mate.

She was holding not just the hand of but she was holding part of the sparkle bit that lights up the whole. The whole sparkler went up in like two seconds, just gone. And then because all these sparklers go up, people and just throw it on the cake and it's this Morne cake. So then the cake's on fire and I'm there like in this haze.

I did see a photo of you, like obviously taken aback from like what was happening, and you screen I've screenshot it and zoomed on your face because you were like.

I was.

I was in shock. It was up to me the guy who's just I don't know what I've smoked outside, and then it's just me and this cake that's on fire, and I know that it's the bride's favorite cake. So I was like trying to like put out the cake and then the dude. Then the smoke alarms went off and they're all links. All of a sudden, all the smoke alarms in the building.

Have the sprinkler. Luckily, oh that would have been I love disaster.

It's what you want. It makes it more memorable.

Oh yeah, yeah, we wouldn't be talking about if everything went to play am I have?

But I did think I was wondering they're going to be you know, some of these alarm systems.

Imagine if like firefighters came in but that wasp, Yeah, we here to put the fire.

There was a moment where I looked at the celebrant and she was there going, oh, my fucking god, because there's smoke. Every Johnson ruined this fire alarm, and then the bride and groom as well, also looking at like this is a disaster. And then they had to kind of say, like surprise, it's a wedding beyond that moment, beautiful ceremony. Yeah, they regathered, regathered, came came home strong. Mum and dad were in tears of the writing groom.

I had sure it wasn't tears because of the smoke. This is a beautiful wedding if we could see it.

It worked out well because you know, I was very squinty at that stage, so I had something to blame her. It's not me, baby, this was and that watermelon vape that I did.

Laura burn her her well, she burned her.

Yeah, La Laura burn burned by name, burned by nature and by fingers. She she did. Yeah, I should have given her more sympathy. She did say it looked bad. It looked bad. The skin was very charred.

And we'll get over it.

And she was like, I may have to go to hospital, and I'm not going to hospital, and that.

All Marley will take it to hospital. She's been before.

She knows the drill.

She knows. I got to see some of it just with the stories, but actually reminds me of my own Sparkler story I have it. It's not as juicy as that, But I'll just whip through it really quick.

Can you just confirm at what age is this story? Is this a young ash?

Is this a young ash? This is primary school Ash?

Okay, you look like a kid who would have been into fire.

Yeah, I like burning things down. Don't tell the police of that. I was just going to say spar was a dangerous man. We were. We had a party at birthday party at our house when we were kids. I can't remember whose birthday was, has just come to me now. And one of my cousins had a sparkler. We all had sparkles because we're kids. The fucking sparkles are great when you're kid. Yeah. Anyway, she's bloody flung it right, this thing flying through the air, landing on top of

Yeah you're kidding.

The fucking shed burnt down.

No one got there in time quick enough to stop it.

It wasn't so quick. It was just happened. The whole roof was covered in pine needles, and it was an old shed. It was gone, like it was literally gone.

I can't believe sparklers are still in business. They're sold. You can get them from the shops.

Go get my kids some sparkles after this.

Ask here you go, mate, late birthday president, and I just.

Get them from woollies. What we used to do? You remember, you used to like make the bombs out of it.

You strip out the sparkle bit and then it was like breaking bad.

You know, I know kids are such pirate technics.

I used to used to litle bit of fire back in the day.

Yeah, that was burning down, just beautiful. We shouldn't encourage it.

Yeah, it's actually it's been a while since I put something on fire.

Let's finish this up and go better. Yeah, Mace's got a new nickname in my house, Princess Lord of the Throne, I call her is What is she doing?

So?

She's too young to be doing the toilet training? She's like nineteen months old? Okay, I don't I think that's right. Abel will correct me neither way.

So she's still in nappies all day?

Yeah, yeah, I still doing a nappy thing. And Oscar's like potty training. We spoke about that because he shit himself last week. But Macy's just adopted this thing where she has to sit on the toilet now, at any moment, at any waking moment, it's so hard to get her off the toilet. She's just sit on there. She's just fully, which is gonna be great down the track when we do toilet train when she's in her teenage years.

Do you think she's just watching what you do? Sit on the toilet for like a good hour.

No. No, because it's a different toilet. She hasn't seen me in the other toilet. I'm in the en sweet toilet. This is the where Oscar sits to do a poo. So I think she's just mimicking an Oscar. Nice try though, I do like what you did there. Try to make me look like a bad dad.

Yeah.

Sorry, Well, joke's on you, little as I am.

So she if she's happy though, fine, leave it there.

Yeah, but it's like it's also dangerous mate. Yeah, she falls off, I'm going to the hospital. I don't want to have to deal with that.

Yeah, because she's quite I'm looking at a photo now.

I'm happy. She's got food on her face, but happy very.

Close to the corner of the sink.

Yeah, yeah, that's that's the same thing that I hit my head on before you tell that story, we sell over.

That's looking sharp. Also, the bath, she could fall on the corner of the bath into the bar.

Yeah, it's not an ideal. Thank you for pointing out all of the safety hazards in which I've put my child in that situation.

You're very welcome. But she looks.

Happy, she's super happy. Food on the face. But anyway, so she's just addicted to a lord of the throne. As you can see, addicted and you'll see how cute she is anyway, So anyway.

There are worse things to be addicted to.

But the problem is you can't get her off. So what do you do. She won't let anyone else sit down, and you cannot get her off because she'll just scream. So she screams and screams, and you put it down somewhere else. In back, she's just on the toilet all the time.

Isn't it weird what kids get fixated.

I've got to bring her food, I've got to bring her toys, I've got to bring she's worked it out that she's like, if I just sit here, they will come to me. They will come to me with things. So she's now.

Where she now has dinner. She could just sleep the throne, she could just sleep in the bar.

Soon I'll be fanning her with a big fucking leave and I'll be feeding the grapes and she'll be this fattening on the toilet, being like ring.

It's going to be awkward when I go to your place next time to record. Then I go to do a piss.

And I pissed through a legs.

I'm like, sorry, excuse me, So Lord.

Of the Throne, She's like, she's just obsessed with it. I don't know if it's normal. I don't know if anyone else. Look, this is only my second kid, so I don't know the first one didn't do it. But I guess like she's probably thinking, like my brother does. Is all that other kid?

Now? I want in on the action?

Yeah, but she's sitting there fully closed, closed clothed. Get that out.

If there's any parents out there who were experiencing something similar, how do I get them off? Any words of advice on how to this trend or do you just embrace it?

Well, this morning, trying to get it in the car to go to Kindy, she was like, he's screaming head off, Like once back on the throne, and it's not like it's all the way upstairs. Like I can sit in the lounge room and just look through the door and there she is safe and sound near all these.

If she's happy, mate leave her there.

Like hopefully it transitions into that she just wants to easily potty training, because she'll just sit there all day and she'll just shit and piss all day while she's.

There, taking happy off, PLoP it down. That's actually not about show see what happens.

You know what will happen. She'll want to get off.

I've got a buone to pick with you. Oh fuck, Actually, Ash far away, I'm angry at you because you've ruined kids birthdays for me because we had Marley's birthday on the weekend. Also, thanks for coming, Ash, very kind of you to drive all the way from and all the beaches out to eastern suburbs.

Of Sorry, I had to wash my hair that day.

I thought I thought we were friends, but.

I honestly I had something. I had better things to do.

That's fine, I completely understand, But when your kids have a birthday party, eventually.

Never when it happens, you'll be at their eighteenth don't.

Expect me to fucking rock up.

It's a long way, man.

So I was given the task of I do understand by the way, I'm only joking, just like a ship friend. That's fine. I was given the task of organizing Marley's birthday party, which I should be good at because I worked in events for fucking your own.

Okay, no.

Organized all these. I left it last minute. Yeah, didn't organize that.

If it was your party, you'd be like you organized it last birthday. This one. You're just like our weak out. What do we want to do.

I thought it's not summer, so I didn't think it'd be that busy. There's a lawn bowls place down the road. Guy was saying, it's like, mane, we don't take bookings for the outside tables, and I was like, I'll pay whatever you need.

Just do not know who I am. I'm Maddie j I'm Australia's favorite bachelor.

I was going to drop that in decided not to bullshit and he didn't want to bar of me. I was like, now, honestly, whatever, if there's a minute, whatever, whatever, I will make it worth your while. Fuck you, that's going to get me three tables.

Nice, I'll do it.

Didn't want me East Footy Club, great venue for the kids home games. Can't take bookings.

Oh yeah.

Out. So I'm calling calling everyone, trying to also work around the Fairy Princess that we've organized. And it's just awful, absolutely awful.

And at the stripper.

Fairy Princess Prince, welcome Crystal, the kids entertain it is Porsche. I was trying to make it worthwhile for you to come out this way. And at the same time I had to had to go get Marley's presence as well, and that was just a fucking ordeal because Laura had pre booked it on Camar Click and Collect. Waited in line at the service line as well on the phone

And I was like, who in BONDI I see when you fucking came ups do you need over here?

Came out. I don't want to tell you how to do your job, but you don't need two fucking km arts within like a one comet radius.

Gank. God, we've got one that like service as the whole of North Sydney. I've actually got two now, but they were like doubling up ten or fifteen k's apart.

So I went to the right km art and as I was standing there in the service line waiting to pick up the dollhouse, I saw something in the corner of my eye and I thought that would be such a great present for Mali because she's really into doing concerts at the moment. I did see once she stands there and sings a song.

When's she got a talent agent already?

Well, I'm working on it.

You could just do it, man, I'm.

Thinking about it. But I bought a gift that I thought was a great gift, but it was actually really shit. It was a terrible idea and I regret it and I can't get rid of it now because she loves it.

Is it the Is it the microphone?

Yes? Ye yes.

Every household that I've gone to that have that, I just pick it up straight away and hid it. Oh, because it's so fucking annoying.

And it's also the it's a little speaker which attaches to a microphone, and I don't know if there's like different modes on it, but it's an echo when you sing into it. Oh, it's like a karaoke machine. And Marley loves it. And as soon as I gave it to I turned it on and she was just she didn't sing, she just yelled in it.

Ah, in this echo, just scaring the ship out of people with it. Yeah, such a shit toy, Like why do they create toys that honestly just invented to annoy the shit out of parents?

And I think back to that moment where I was standing in line, and I was like, how did I not have some common sense? Like how did I not?

You were in the moment.

I was in the moment.

You're in the moment. I do that too, where you're like, oh, do you know what my sister got my kid for his second birthday? All right, a kazoo.

And it's loud.

She gave it to us and I was like, oh, like why and she was like, you'll see a straight up fuck you And I was like what the fuck? I kept throwing it out, but somehow I kept reappearing. I don't know it, honestly, It's just tiny little kazoo and I put it in the bin. I swear to God, I put it in the bin more than once, and it just keeps reappearing in my kid's mouth. And because when you breathe through it, you breathe through it. But then he'll breathe, he'll inhale too. So it's.

The people who have designed those types of toys. They know what they're doing. They've designed this knowing.

Full well test the patience.

Where it's going to end up in the hands of a little toddler, a little terrorist, destroying the lives of parents.

Oh my god, I blame my sister, not the kid. They don't know.

So it's the week of organizing Marley's birthday, with the geek out, with the gears, with organizing the party itself. And I was thinking to myself the whole time. I was like, I don't have to do this. Ash doesn't do it.

I don't do that.

Ash doesn't do this. Why am I putting myself through this? And so now every birthday you fucking ruined it for me because I know you're I know you're sitting there on your couch at home, not even giving any thought whatsoever to the birthday party.

I know. And also we went to a birthday party locally at the one we went into yours.

Oh so you got someone else's birthday party? Okay, who the fuck? Was it?

Just someone else? Someone less important than you as well? And again we just told Oscar it was his party. And all I did was tell one of my friends to walk up to Oscar and say, thanks for having me at your party.

You are so manipulative.

And we were getting in the car.

What did he say when it's okay?

We were getting in the car and there were some other people there and they're like, thanks for the party, Oscar, and he was like, that's okay, thumbs.

Up his cotton socks. One benefit though, of organizing the party with this very princess that was coming.

She did extra.

Ash please your mind. And it's going to lead me into my new favorite segment on the podcast.

And that is tell Me, Lies, Tell Me and that song.

Oh my god.

This has ended up so much better that little intro.

I know, I just me singing anyway.

Were you ever in the school choir?

No? Very the weird al yank of each school choir, such a beautiful it's one of those voices, you know.

When we recorded that and you said, oh, should we keep going. When we stopped it at that point, there was another like potential ten seconds that we could have could have used, and I thought, nah, we don't do and I regret not extending it. Ten seconds of you singing is not enough. So I started telling a lie to Marley.

And it's very much other one.

It's added to the list. The lies keep on coming.

That's an endless list of parenting is just an endless list of lies.

Now that I'm paying attention to you know what I'm saying. I'm just dishing out lines every day. I'm a psychopath, so good, But I'm going to say it's like kind of Santa Claus two point zero because Marley is a pretty bad eater. She's always been.

Really, really tricky.

Lola is a little like she's grizzleguts. She'll just eat everything she'll eat. Fucking watch off your wrist if you're not careful, she will. There have been so many times where I've come into the kitchen and she's like moved the chair to the pantry and she's eating like dried razoni and just like pesto. Anything she can get her hands on. She's just shoveling it into the list.

None of my kids are fucked.

Yeah, well, Marley, you've got to like pin down. And I said to her leading up to the party, I was like, hey, the fairy princess so I found in the park. She said she can come on Saturday, except she only comes to the parties of those girls who are really well behaved. And she said, make sure Mally it's all her dinner, otherwise she won't come. And Marley was like, shit.

They're so dumb. It's like, it's funny when you tell that lie to them. How straight faced you are too. Yeah, it's like, honestly, just like you can lie to straight down the barrel.

In my head, I was like, will she take the bait? Here is this? And like she took it, hook line and sinker.

Beautiful.

She was in And I even said to her just to like, you know, add a bit of spice. And I was like, and the fairy princesses, you need to clean the floor, clean the toilet. I said, they're always listening and they're always watching. And so Marley was like, oh, like thinking that this fairy is somewhere, She's like, I love my dinner. I loved it. I loved it. And every mouth was She was.

Like, maybe she was having you on.

Dad's fulling this fucking fully.

Grown man think. How stupid does he think I am. I'm just going to play this up. Maybe get lolder to eat my food, not tell, and then I get my fucking fairy if she.

Was playing me, and who knows who was playing?

Who knows who's playing.

But it worked. Even when it came to going to bed. She was like, do you know what, daddy, I love going to bed because sleeping is fun.

She just got ya and I just got your Yeah, I've met Marley and she is much.

She is fucking smart. The babysit a message and said, oh, by the way, I just want to say birthday for Marley. She mentioned it was on the nineteenth.

Who is this? She's just telling randoms when her birthday is, what time she was born, her exact weight.

She definitely doesn't get the brains from me from Laura. Yeah, yeah, obviously she gets the looks from meet. She gets the great personality from this guy.

Anyway, So let's move on from this.

How many lies you told your kids?

It's endless. It's like we were talking about last week the park like things are closed or things don't work. And you know a classic is the park is closed. That's a great one. And everyone who's listening except for those who don't.

Have kids, Yeah, who maybe going you say what now.

Unless you'd lie to your dog. And also, dog parents is not the same as real parents. Let me just put that in there.

I for one just want to say to any dog parents listening, you're doing a great job. And I can only appreciate how if a dog dies the listeners do we need all the listeners.

If a dog dies, you get over it in like a month and you buy a new dog. If your kid dies, it's something you take with you for the rest of your.

Life, maybe if it's your little shits.

But saying, but just saying, it's not comparable.

I am going to disagree with you there and say that.

Okay, So if Bustard dies, not that I wish that upon bust I never know, like you're telling me, not just going to go get a your dog at some point irreplaceable. Okay. But if if Marley dies, you'll carry that with you for the rest of your life. Correct, So it's not comparable.

I mean, if you want to shoot on the listeners, as I will.

Just do so, okay, do so willingly?

Back to your lie?

Yes, the life. Sorry, we went off there a little bit. Yes, so park's closed. It's a great one, but I pulled a completely different one. I've adapted. I would say, I impressed myself.

You've upgraded the line.

I've upgraded the lie to something else.

Because sometimes sometimes you do get caught out.

I get caught out because we were actually going to the park, right and I can't be like or get there and it's closed because it's clearly not.

How did that happen?

So we got there. Yeah, this particular park which is very popular, and it was so busy, and he's the.

Weather's been good lately in Sydney. I was like, fuck that swings are taken up.

And I was like, oh, sorry, buddy, it's booked out. He was like, I was like, what do you mean, what do you mean? What do you mean it's booked out? I was like, look, can't you see the people? They booked it out, But we can't go. We're not allowed. I'd love to, I'd love to go to this particular park.

How long did it take to get to the park from your house?

We walked and scootered there.

Right, so he's had some exercise.

We just scooted home.

Did he take it well?

You understood, Yeah, he understood that someone had booked it out. We went for a little swing at another tiny little ship park, but no one there.

I think, actually what you're doing is a good thing because you're setting him up to experience disappointment from a really early age.

Yes, yes, and it will come in waves throughout your life.

So you're really, I think, laying down the foundations for what's going to be a great adult well done.

Just just like a really gullible man.

When it doesn't work out.

It's just like, must be broken, it must be booked out.

That's right.

I think, like I said, it's the circle of life. Lying to your kids, not just in general. You tell them, they'll tell their kids.

It is a beautiful thing.

I've adapted. I've adapted the lie you've got.

You've got to be fluid in your lie telling. All good liars know that it's important to be fluid here.

I really encourage this.

As they get older, they start to figure out what's truth and what's not. You need to keep fucking spinning those webs.

Nothing is true this is a simulation.

But for any parents out there, for any parents out there who are spinning webs themselves and maybe they've come across a really great lie that helps their kid behave better or it like minimizes a tantrum, we want to hear it. We will share them to all the parents and dog parents out there ash who need help.

I don't want to know about your fucking dog lies because they don't get it. That's not comparable when.

People who don't have kids, and I know this isn't fair, because you know, there's always going to be someone out there who's doing it more tough. But when people who don't have kids say I'm tired, shut.

The that's I don't know what t it is.

You have no idea. But before I started haacking more of our listeners, let's go into some questions.

No, I've got another lie?

Oh what do you got? Sorry?

Oh? Sorry?

Yes? Sorry?

How dare you cut.

Me off like I am so sorry? Apologies?

That's apology. I just wanted something that just I saw that came up on TikTok. I was scrolling relentlessly because that's all I do now that I'm unemployed, and I'll play the snippet. Now, oh, my god, the fourth half of tooth Ever, you know what is no? Oh, that makes sense. So those of you who are familiar with who created that video. But the little girl in that videos, the neighbor is the name. But she dishes out a lie that has been told to her. So that's why

Do you want her to have a home or not?

Yeah? Do you want the tooth fair to be homeless? There's already a cost of living and a housing crisis in this country. Now do you want to help the help the tooth.

It does seem I don't want to swear, but fucked up? Do you think, like what kind of animal is living in a house made of teeth? Like surely, surely these kids at some point are they've got to start asking questions. But at the same time like genius nonetheless.

Yeah, yeah, so you got I love it because you've gotten out of having to spend any money. One and two your kid believed it and is willing to tell other people, like spreading the good words, spreading the good word and helping with this housing crisis that we're all in. I've got one more life.

This lie is a good one because I've never used it, but it really annoys me when I get the girl's ice cream and they don't eat it quickly and it starts melting and just makes such a huge mess.

That is that's no ice cream melts in my house. Not just the tinea monster, the ice cream talking like pray. This dad says that if you eat the ice cream when it's melted, that will make you.

Sick, So you got to eat it quickly.

Right, Okay, there you go. It's not a great one. It's kind of like it's giving get it done vibe where it's like they make way more of a mess if they're like what but like, is he also like me where He's like, if you don't need it quick enough, I'm going to have to swoop in and eat it instead.

I'm like, I think it's a good lie. Marley and Lola love ice cream. They eat it so slowly. I mean maybe Oscar as a boy, he eat it quickly.

He shoves it all in there.

Man. See, girls don't do that. Girls take their time. And it's fine now because it's winter, but when it's summer, fucking nightmare.

Yeah, especially if it's like on a cone and it's like dripping in the hands, that's fit fucked. But like, I'm just there, mate, waiting there, just waiting just then to not be eating it and.

Be absolute vulture. Nothing is more aggressive than a dad bite.

Oh yeah, I do it to April two. I'm like, oh, give us a bite and I'll be like, go.

To open your dissiccate your jaw.

I'll go to do like the little nibble and I'll go and just take that. Hates it.

Have I said for people to submit their lines?

Have I already said that I submit more lines?

Let's go on to some listener questions. Ash question number one. She says, here, my partner, whenever I ask me about having kids, his response is always soon. So she wants to know what does soon mean in male terms? Good question, Good question, I don't want to hope. If she's listening right now, please take a seat, because this news may shock you soon. That's that is he's deflecting.

It's not good. Yeah, it's not good.

Look we are firstly, we're sorry to break this news to you here.

It's a classic man thing to just not commit to something right. Yes, So like using soon is like yeah soon, it's like when like April's like, can you loads of distrustion? Yes, I know that it's I'm not going to end up doing it. So hopefully that answers your question. I think it's a tough one.

If you're wanting to avoid conflict, like I think most people are in a relationship, it's a lot easier to say soon. Then. Look, I don't want to have kids with you because I don't see this relationship going anywhere.

You're a crack addict. I don't want to.

I'm so sorry.

No, he could be legit, I don't we don't know, We don't know. These people were just like, we just we take the question at first glance and it is what it is, but it's not looking good, so let's move on.

I think, yeah, I want to I want to try and find some word of encouragement here. Okay, if I was her, if you're on on any type of contraception, stop taking it.

Yeah, trick him into it.

Trick him into it.

Because what relationship has ever failed if you tricked your partner into having kidd save sex?

And if you are going to have sex, get on top and lock in, locking with the legs and actually you.

Can missionary lock into just heals cheez and jeez. All right, Matthew. Question number two for today's episode, boys, do your kids fake injuries to get out of KINDI.

I think Marley is at this weird stage right now where the only time she's not at daycare as a Thursday, that's daddy day. And yet every morning she wakes up and she goes, is it daddy day today? Sorry? Kid, it's daycare day? And she flips out. She has this little meltdown every morning it happens, and I'm like, can you not just have some kind of awareness of the days of the week, you know, it's a Tuesday.

You know what day, your fucking birthday. The least you could do is no Monday to Sunday.

So she gets upset. There wasn't a time when Lola was unwell, and she kind of saw that Lola being sick having a tempt Marley didn't have to get a daycare and Marley was like, well, I'm not so yeah, Marley kind of knew that she could feel her forehead absolutely fine, not even like no snot whatsoever coming out the nose. I was like, you're fucking going, yeah, don't even try me power.

Oscar do the same thing where he'll just be like, oh, I'm not feeling well. Oscar was off Monday because Sunday had this rank ofugh was really bad, like I was up with him in the middle of the night and stuff like that, and so was like, have the Monday off. And he'd got better really really quick. Must have been cold air or whatever it might have been. And then Tuesday comes around and he's like, oh, I'm still sick, shaking it. No, no, well I'm sick too. Sick of you off, Indy, you go, You've.

Just gotta You've just got to send him off.

They all do it. Man. Yeah, Oscar could have an ear infection and limp into Kindy.

He's fine. I could be making this up. So if my mom is listening and this is untrue, I apologize in a.

Your mom's listening, Hey, Mad's mom because I got creepy.

You had a couple of beers and it's creepy my little brother. I'm pretty sure over the weekend, like this is years ago, this is like primary school. He fell off his bike and we're being really bloody naughty, you know, single mom, five kids. She's like, fuck, you guys are doing my head. And he was like, my arm is really sore, and my mom was like, you're fine. Next morning he's like, you're going to school. He broke his arm, but she's still him to school. He came home.

See a very big difference between that generation and our generation, Like we could go on for days.

You just gotta you gotta, you gotta send him and if they're unwell, you'll know about it.

Also like now, and this wouldn't have happened with the generation before us, where Oscar might go to KINDI and be a bit upset about us. Yeah, most of the time, he fucking hates it for some reason, and April ring like an hour later.

Just to make sure he's okay. Oh that's nice.

Yeah, it's nice. But my parents wouldn't have done.

That, Like, fuck this kid at a sight out of mind?

Yeah, fully, he's had tears rolling on his face and I'm like he else, I'm out of here.

Man, because if Abel's doing that, it just invites the opportunity for them to say, actually.

He's actually we're a bit short on teachers today.

Yeah, no, fucking way.

I would hate you. Yeah, tell you what you do. Chain him to a desk.

And on that note, that is the episode.

We've got time for today.

Please chain him to a fucking desk.

Oh my god, goodness, April, I didn't mean it.

Before we go, do you want to say? Do you want to say thank you to everyone who's left a comment on Apple Podcasts?

We can't leave. What do you mean we have a competition when you're turn out?

Oh yeah, I'm all over the shop today.

No, that's okay, it's like when you were going.

It's that vape. I'm still feeling the effects.

The watermelon vibe you and every other primary school kids. Okay, we vape.

We did we did a competition. It's a two hundred without you the merch from Better Beer.

And thank you everyone for sharing.

Sharing your stories of listening to the podcast. But the winner only one winner.

The winner is drum roll.

Kayo and shout out to his partner step who posted him listening to the pod whilst he was cutting the hedges at home. Eh, jeez, you are you are welcome? And now am I missing? I can? We can? I wrap it up.

We'll get in touch. We'll get in touch with that winner and get that stuff at.

We'll message them directly. Now I can say thanks to everyone who has given us a little comment on Apple podcast.

We really appreciate it.

Yeah, give us a follow. What else is there?

La review? Follow the Instagram?

Look and if there's a parent out there, a dog parent, a human parent who may be struggling, don't squint like that ash, send them the podcast and hopefully having a laugh they help the situation.

Yeah.

Look, no, let's let's leave it there and we'll see you guys next week two. Doting Dad's podcast. It acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and the connections to land sea and community.

We pay our respects to their elders past and present, and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torrestrate Islander peoples today. This episode was recorded on Gadagal Land.