From potty disasters to potty mouths

I had a question for you before we got started to please do you have a picture of your children or child as your lock screen?

No, it's a photo of me and Laura Lucky.

Why there's nothing worse than finishing a wank locking your phone and the first thing you see is those disappointed eyes.

Back daddy, Why? Welcome back to two Doting Dads. I am Mattie Jay.

And I'm Ash.

This is a podcast all about parenting, the good, the bad, and the relatable and as always, just going to breakfast this podcast episode and say that if you are coming for any type of advice.

Dear clear, you are in the wrong way.

Turn around, wrong way. GPS has gotten your last you turn baby. But if you want to listen to two dad's talk about how absolutely hellish parenting really is.

You've definitely come to the right and sit down and strap. Especially.

Hey, before we get started, Ash, we have to give thanks to Lord and Savior keeping us afloat, putting food on the table and getting my rent paid. Big thanks to Then we've gone for.

Your rent on the studio that we're in.

We've gone for the original Yeah, the og we have the first beer they released. Let me just.

Oh, yeah, that's the stuff, cheers.

My good friend.

Yes, oh yes.

Something I like about this beer ash is the fact that it's zero carbs.

What's that supposed to mean? I'm directly at me, then zero.

I didn't mean to no, no, no. This is for anyone who likes to drink beer and is, you know, being a little bit more conscious. It's eighty seven. You do look great, do you agree? Hey, for anyone who is trying to watch the waistline but still wants a delicious, crisp beer.

Absolutely, it's only eighty one calories.

Isn't it? Eighty seven?

Eighty seven?

Sorry? Yeah, which is I guess if anyone doesn't need any more encouragement to have more tins, monster, it's the tin. Has anyone called you that before? If you had a look at our Instagram, you may have seen me run a little competition. We hit eleven thousand followers.

Thank you for that.

Yeah, big shout out to I didn't think that would grow that many so quickly. But we were going to do ten thousand followers and ten cases of better beer, but then you guys ruined it.

By the time we've got a shit together, and by the time this comes out. It might even be at twelve. So look, if there's an extra case laying around its home for it.

It doesn't have the same ring to it eleven for eleven, but we gave away. We're giving away eleven cases of beer. And I'm very excited to announce that the winner, Ash, of my very first inaugural competition.

You just picked it without me.

Oh it's my friend, it's me, But without further ado, the winner is Stacy Martin. Well done, my.

Friend, understanding, and you know what, low carb, no carb, low calorie. Hey, summer's coming, delicious.

Eleven of the best headed your way right now.

Congratulations and thank you everyone that entered, thank you everyone that tagged, and thank you everyone that's followed to get us here. Maybe twenty twenty twenty cases.

I know it's going to be dangerous the more followers we get, Like you've just won a hundred cases of better beer, People like, oh God, putting better take them Ash. I had my race on the weekend.

Yes I missed it. I'm sorry I couldn't come and watch, but.

It was very very early.

Also, I wouldn't want to come and watch because that sounds fucking boring.

It was I mean, Laura for a second was like, what time is it? Could I bring the kids? And I was like it starts at six thirty road closures, Like do you really? It was fucking freezing. Sydney is Baltic right now, it's so cold. So no one came, which was a good thing because you know the result, Ash. But for those who are listening, loser, I lost.

I lost someone up trumps.

It was an awful race, so.

Bittersweet for me because I wanted to see you win, but also I'm so fucking sick of this race, Like I hate it when we both go to some sort of I don't know anyway, if we stand next to each other, it's very obvious who's working out and who's not.

We did that photo shoot back in the day in our budget smugglers, and I was pumping out like eighty kilometers a week.

At the time, I was doing negative eighty.

So with a tinny in hand and going just take the.

Photo and I just get it over anyway. So now you can blow out like me like a normal dad.

Yeah. Oh, actually there's another ten k on the twenty third of July, which I may I've been bitten by the running bug, and because I wanted to fucking crack forty minutes. Really, I gave it a note.

It's just not an athletes podcast. It is dad Lee.

So this is Oh, actually I'll give it a two week break, but then I'm going to come back on the twenty third. But ten k's you just redlining the whole way. My heart rate was at like one hundred and eighty two after the third k.

That's crazy talk.

It was disgusting.

Look, I like to run too. I have a small little running community online.

But what's yours scoring in the Legless is that I might change it.

That actually sounds it's the Restless League because I run a lot for my mental health because I'm mental, but also I get restless legs when I try and sleep unless I do like a decent amount of running. And I thought, there's got to be people that do that as well. Twitchy Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah, as you already know. But it's something very small.

So if I was say.

We wouldn't let you in because you harp on about it too much. It's all about those people that want to go undercover, just run for their mental health, get out there, enjoy the fresh air, not brag about it to everybody.

I'm not bragging about it.

Ash Oh, Laura rang me that, and she's like, he won't.

Stop talking about it. Is this an invite only club or can you No?

No, anyone can join, can join a big deal?

Yes you can join me anyway, dads right now, what's gonna happen. It is going to be influx of.

Dads all running the same page, like an eight minute case. Yeah, I got little legs. Okay, I've got trotters.

You've got great legs. They look perfect.

Anyway, you're lost, and you've got to get a tattoo.

How do have a turtle? Fucking nightmare? But so I lost the rays.

Worse for him because he's just clean skin unless he makes you get on your face. I need to get this guy's numbers. I can be like, dude, just do it. Get telling to get it on his face. He's getting that.

It's been a rough week because lost the race. At the moment, Lola, she's in this weird phase. I don't know if you remember, because Macey's not quite there yet. Don't if Oscar did this. But she's trying to be like so independent, and she has this saying that. She always says a week, I do it.

I do its like a small Batalian lady.

I do And it's cute, but then at the same time it's also really annoying because like having dinner time eating pasta, She's like, I do it, and then it just ends up the floor.

Did you have to say past and I just said Italian? Was just cycle on a Nona.

She does kind of look like Laura is half Italian, so it makes a lot of sense. But even when it comes to like now she's potty training again. This is very cute, but she wants me to sit down and hold her hands when she goes to do number two and it takes a long while, like we're not just there for a minute or two. She's like her dad when she goes.

It's not good for you to sit there that long. It can't be good for your bows, is it not. It's not good for your your piles.

I try and rush. I'm like, come on, push it out. And even when it's she's like and she does like a two round poo, So she does it first time it's a solid size.

And then I'm the plug poo.

And then I'm there for ten minutes. And so what I sometimes do now is I'm like, i'll be back on one second, and I give her some privacy, and I keep an ear out because she's like daddy white bottom, white bottom. But she stops saying that now because she's now I do it. And one time she was in the toilet, I left her and I kind of got distracted, and I thought, shit, it's been a little while. Wonder if she's still in there. I wonder if she's still in there.

She's falling in and.

I wish she had she had done this monster sized poo.

And pictures of your kids, you saw they are.

She's tried to it's a little potty that's you know, it's not the toilet. It's just this little like plastic scoopy scoopy thing, and she's tried to put that into the toilet, and you know, she's so clumsy, and she's just like there's shit everywhere. She's imagine a two year old with like a little plastic bucket that's like full to the brim of shit and piers and she's like a little wobbling non her just on the floor. And then she's just like looking at me, like I do it.

Oh yeah, yeah, Look you can't. When they go quiet, you're like, where are they?

Oh? Doing?

Like not quite whatsoever. So he's just like, I'm done. Well, look, you've had a rough week obviously, I, on the other hand, have been on holidays. And also, before I get into this, when did a relaxing holiday become so fucking stressful when you had kids? Two kids? I've got somehow we need ten bags of clothes, porter coots?

Do you bring the classy? You bring the portercot with you?

Yeah? Well where she got to sleep on the floor?

Why don't you just leave one at your mom's house.

Well, I'm not made of money, Matthew. You can't buy two.

Sorry. Car seat? Do you bring the car seat? Yeah?

One we took this time one.

Well, well you're traveling with the bags and the car set.

Don't get me fucking started. No, actually, get me started. They fucking go. So anyway, two kids, ten bags. Anyway, We had a seven am flight out of Sydney.

Was it the cheapest one or no?

We just wanted to get the hell out of here. I don't you know, just.

His dad's man, you've got to be out the door.

Yeah, thankfully. We'll go in to my parents. We weren't staying at my parents, but we're going to see my parents. And like the quicker we get there are quick, I can be like they're yours, you'd think anyway. So we're up at four point thirty kids out of bed in their jarmy's in the car and their army.

I did seem I saw on you.

He didn't get out of his army until after midday, but him and April.

Did anyone say anything about because he.

Had like his Nike Air Force ones on as well. So it was just like people were just like, fucking wish. A couple of people were like, wish I could go to the jums, Like no one's stopping your freak. Yeah, in the car in their j armis to the airport April's book, the parking, the furthest away from the terminal, which I was like, like the P three or is it three exactly? Yeah, mostly no Sydney Airport or any airport if it's not P one, it's a waste of

Which makes it a little bit more stress. Yeah, but it's also man, I've had many times where I've sat there looking at P two P three. P two is closer, more expensive, and you're like, do I spend the extra fifty bucks for P two or do I save the money and go P three. But it's an asshole of a walk with the ten bags. I'm not drumming with a portcot and a fucking car seat.

It was a fucking g up. So we pull into the P three. There's no parking until like level fucking eighty pretty much in the sky. I might as well get on the airplane up it's taken off, and I was like, all right, let's get this show on the road. I'll go to the trolley bay, get one of those trolleys. Great, they're so good, those trolle except you've got to hold the handle down to move them. If you let go of the handler stops abruptly and all your bags come off.

I've got a backpack, I've got two shoulder bags, I've got two suitcases, I've got a port and I've got a car seat.

Jesus Christ.

And it's six o'clock in the morning. Anyway, we're late for this flight.

And I mean like not to not to paint you as someone who gets a little bit grumpy sometimes.

But you know I was grumpy. There's no doubt. I haven't eaten, haven't had a coffee. Just we couldn't stop because we're running behind, even though I thought we were ahead of time. At what point did time catch up to me? On that drive? There was no one on the road anyway, So get there, Go to buy one of those trolleys, because you've got to buy them now.

You don't have to tell this story if you don't want to wash I feel like it's got to get it off.

Please sorry continue, Okay, go to buy a trolley tap my card cost me four dollars. Trolley wouldn't come out. Then it cost me another four dollars. Trolley came out.

Oh shit.

Anyway, I'm in a fucking feral mood at this point on the plane with two kids. We're on the plane. Great, we were the last people on the plane and we're bloody walking on the plane like people like carry out. Does that not shitty parents?

Does that not give you anxiety? Because right now everyone's always trying to cram in as much as they can on the plane. And when you got kids, you got double the bag, so you got no space above your seat and your overhead locker. Like oh and there's nothing worse than having to put like one bag near seat for the other.

Happened, Oh shit. And the thing is we were literally like in the middle of the plane, so it was like either way we got on the front or the back. It was going to be a fifteen to twenty row hike with these kids and all these bags anyway, got there, got there in the end. And it's funny when you get on a holiday with your kids and you get there and you just you're so happy that you've made the destination without either losing a kid or purpose of leaving one behind. You just get shit faced as like

Your blood pressure, that's really rude.

You should not be taking holiday day.

I saw you was in the airport. I was like, no, you can't. He saw a version of me that was not me anyway. So flat tire. First of all, I'm like, of course.

How did you know it was flat? Like was it like yeah.

Yeah, yeah, I was on rim.

For people like driving next to you being.

Like I think I was too angry to see anyone else other than the destination anyway. So changed tire. That's a nightmare in itself. Change time covered in grease, fucking pain in the ass, and reorganize the kids back in the car and whatever. Blah blah blah. Got the spare tyron, that little yellow piece of shit, dinky bit tire that.

You can only go sixty k on or fifty k.

It said eighty. I'm like, there's no way anyone's going to eighty k's on that tires, driving that tires flat. Oh shit, Oh my god, I'm just furious. I'm fucking swear and left, right and center. Anyway, my old man came and he's taken the tire to a tire place to get repaired, come back with fix the tire. All good, but all this time, and this is going to lead me into something else I want to talk about really quickly. I've just been swearing my head off and I get

What happened?

And I sat down and Oscar goes, fuck, that was ship. Anyway, That instantly reminded me of something else I wanted to about.

You are such a bad and I.

Swear so much in front of them, so does April. Those it was not all me, and this is what happened. It reminded me of this time we went to Fiji with the kids and April, of course, and we do swear in front of the kids a lot. We've tried to be better at it, because Oscar now points it out, so trying to be better. I'm just not used to having kids. I don't really know him that well. So we went to Fiji, right, and we're at this beautiful resort, all inclusive resort as it is over there, with the kids.

Fucked sake, that's my boy.

And I just looked at April, that's your anyway, that was my stress freehold. They just pick up me.

They latch onto swear words.

I know because they know the velocity and tone that you say it in. I reckon if you were like.

They're like sponge and you're like, oh, bubble gum, they'd be.

Like, oh, they'd be like, oh bubblegum.

My biggest fear is that I drop Marley off at daycare and she just starts dropping the F word.

I don't mind. I don't care. Look, I don't really don't care if he starts saying fuck you to people, then I care. Yeah, it's different if he stubs his tone says fuck, that's just a general reaction, and look, there'd be so many people out there and there listening going fu. My kids swear so much, and I know why because it's I couldn't be asked trying to manage my language. It's like when we're on the Today Show. Ape was like, just don't swear, which he didn't, and I was like, fuck you.

Do you know what I love most about Oscar though, is that he used it in the right context.

Oh yeah, it's all about context.

Off the back of that being an absolute ordeal, he's like, Dad, fuck shit fucked up. And You're like, I should be angry, but good use of the word perfect. I wasn't going to tell the story Mash. It's one that's on the cusp of being too much. And whenever I'm unsure of a decision, my sounding board is always Laura and she'll point me in the right direction and makes But you know how annoying it is when you go to someone for advice and you want them to give you the answer.

That you want, not what they actually Yeah, I.

Went to Laura, and I told her the story and I was like.

That's why I tell no one anything.

To make your second guess. And I was thinking, in Laura, is that is that too much hoping? She goes, no, it's fine, and she goes, it's quite crass.

But you know what, actually even know what that word means. So let's go.

I should have come to you for advice. So my mum is here at the moment you met her again this.

Morning, lady, get out of the shower.

Yeah, for anyone who's wondering why they.

Know your mom's not but it's like, I shouldn't just see your mom in the shower.

No, it's me. It's whatever we needed to make this relationship even stronger. The fact that you're now sleeping.

With my mum, you start calling me daddy.

Did not expect this to happen.

Actually, I don't want to be called daddy, want to be called.

Papa, Papa, Papa. God, it'd be fucking awkward if you ended up poking up my mum.

But be careful what you so.

My mom is here, Laura. I've said it before Dancing with the Stars. She's in the thick of it. She's working her butt off, and it's been such an enormous help having my mom here. She leaves in a couple of days, which is very distressing, but during the day she'll cook a couple of meals, she does the washing, she does a quick cleanup. It's just the absolute dream as a parent. There's nothing more that you could ask for to have someone do those awful jobs. There's tedious jobs.

Give her all the shit work.

I'm not ordering her to do this work. She just mums, raised five kids. She gets it. She comes in, don't have to give it any instruction. She just gets straight into it, knuckles down, love it. Although we've had one issue so ash. No, Laura and I we had.

You've been fucking.

We had where this is going.

We had sexy time, some action.

Oh yeah, come on, come on, let's not go. Let's not go yet.

I'm better than that. You are better than that.

I'm glad you acknowledged it. Sorry, don't you dare take my mother's name and rub it through the mud. So Laura and I we had, as you call the horizontal tango.

You did dancing with this duff.

Yeah, let me teach you a thing or two. And to clean up the mess. Afterwards, we use a towel, a full towel.

Well sometimes because it's sort of messy. You're making well, the thing is, I don't want to.

Know the thing thing is because our house is quite damp, so the towels don't really dry. So when the towel's like on its way out and it's due to go.

In the wash, these r dicking balls on it.

For one of a better phrase. Yeah, and also because to clean up. You get what I'm saying. The bath tower was used to clean up the mess. And then late at night. You know, I don't want to walk naked all the way then to the bathroom where the laundry is. So I've got the en suite in my bedroom. I'll just drop the towel on the floor and I'll deal with that tomorrow, right, So then I forget about it.

That I don't want to actually go.

That night, I'm brushing my teeth as I normally do before I go to bed, and I then turn around to wipe my face to get rid of the water. And you know I've got a bit of toothpaste my mouth. So I grab the towel that's hung up in the bathroom in my en suite. I didn't wipe my face and more specifically like my mouth.

That would took a completely different turn than I thought was going to go.

And I think to myself, that's a.

Work, that's a funky town.

That is a weird towel.

You do have dirty in your back.

And I realize I've used that dirty. I mused the calmtaw to wipe my face. And do you know what, Ash, I don't know what wo come Ash. As always, we've had a few listen questions come through that we always try and tackle each week.

Love it lay it on me? Do you I want some shitty advice laid on me?

I never thought when I became a dad that I would end up having a podcast where I would try and help the good parents of Australia.

It's not help that we're providing. I get that word out of there. It is not help.

Question number one. It is nothing but pure dribble. Question number one, Ashton, Yes, do you as a dad judge other dads?

Absolutely? I do see that I didn't even just point blank shit.

Yeah, you didn't even look. No, look I don't try and go crawling back, you asshole.

Subconsciously don't and do.

You absolute prick of a blome.

You tell yourself that you don't. Yes, But there's also a piece of you that you see a dad struggling with their kid, whatever the circumstances, and you're like, oh, I feel sorry for But at the same time, I'm like sucked in mother. So like this trip, for example, get on the plane, your eye secretly and just hoping for a worse behave kid, Okay, so I can look at that dad and be like, you don't know how to fucking do it?

You know, was there one on there?

No, that was my kids. We're looking at me. You're the shittest bro, and you look I think, yes we do, but we judge different things, Like I'm more like face value judging, not their parenting style or stuff like that. So I'm like, where the funk would you wear that? Why would you dress a kid like that? You look at him, comb his hair, shit like that. You are so sassy bit.

Coming from the guy puts his kid in pajamas.

I know that's what I'm saying I was that dad. Okay, in the world like you go in the world of surfing, for example, it's a really good example. They call it a kook. But it's not about what you do in the water. It's what you do in and around the water, Okay, what you do outside of the water. So it's kind of like if me dressing my kids in pajamas, there's two types of people that would view that. One is just like, that's fucking genius because it's cold, it's still

I think everyone does a little bit of judging, even though I'm very much an advocate for we should never judge other parents because we have no idea.

What they're going through. But that's not what I'm judging. I'm judging face value.

I judge on like if I'm at the park, and there's definitely been scenarios where I've seen like a child who wants nothing more than their parent to just like play with them, run around the park, push them on the swing, and they're.

Like that's boring.

It is, it is. And you know what, though, do you know what? I've had times the park where I'm like, Lola Marley, run free and have a time of your life.

Don't come back.

And I'm like, you know, drinking my coffee on my phone. I've done that, like I'm guilty of it. But there's been times where I'm in great form and I'm that guy at the park He's.

Like, whoa, daddies.

And Monstone's coming for you. And then I look over at the other dads on their phone and I'm like, you're pieces of shit.

But they're looking at you, going look at this fucking loser. Yes, the answer is yes, you can't help it. And you know what, if I'm judging, I'm allowed to be judged, Matthew. Question number two. Favorite song to sing when your kids are having a tantrum?

H Do you do this?

I've more or less done this when the kids were younger and just out of control in the car because they hated the car, not the tantrum. Throw a someng on and I was just like, I'm just gonna throw something on to drown them out. But I wouldn't sing like at the top of them.

Oh no, Like, hey, don't get me wrong, I'm not belting out tunes and public to try and distract my kids. I am singing yeah, I bet you fucking would. I bet you standing there being like, oh, he's wearing those shoes.

In the golden buzzerment. That's great, Welcome to Australia.

No talent. But at the moment, the most common tantrum that I have on a regular basis is the fact that Lola hates being in the prem when we walk home from daycare. She hates it. I do it, Yeah, she literally says that. And You've got We've got so many roads to cross, and it's so freaking busy, and I can't trust her because she's a maniac. So I've

Yeah.

And it doesn't matter how tan for me that she is at that point in time. She'll always sing her lines yeah, Like it doesn't.

Matter if she's like crack the code.

Essentially, it's okay, I'll play the song right now, So in case anyone's not familiar, here's the song. Johnny Johnny.

Eating sugar, selling lies, open your.

Mouth and it works every time, works every time. And even Marley as well, she like can't help it. It's just like I thought i'd never like hypnotized by.

Is it like a call and respond sort of situation.

Yeah, so there's like in the song, there's like the parent and the child.

This is great parenting advice. Hey, Cocamina, have to cut this bit out.

Cocamelon is crack for kids.

Oh yeah, yeah, you put that as soon as you hear the Also Missus Appleberry, missus apple Bottom.

Yeah you I've seen you've posted about her.

That's good stuff. Mate. There's dad's out there listening to this. You know, there's dads out there listening to this going he is one hundred and fifty percent right.

It's cocon melon it's a kid's cartoon.

I'm looking for the porn parody. But Apple Bottom, it is no, no enough, And I was not bad either. You are an animal animal today.

All right, we put a call out there. We had that little question.

Did put a call out there, what.

Is your child stolen? We had lots of responses. One was a standout.

One was a standout, but I do want to There was a trend, a heavy trend on parents marching their kids back to whereever it is they stole something, from returning it and returning it.

So honest, so honest.

But I guarantee the people the shop were like, we don't want the fucking half chewed mentals back.

There was a lady who, like, I think their kid took a scooter and they surely realized when they were halfway home, and they still took it back nights.

That's a free scooter.

Yeah, let's play on.

Let's play on that.

Do you read the story?

You should?

I read the story.

I'm no good at that.

Okay, So she says, daycare theft when the child's over three years old is next level. My now four year old son routinely whips out something and says, they said I could take it. Cars, arts and crafts, shit, other kids, drawings, a pair of girls, poor patrol undies.

Oh my god, teach.

This. He peaked. He peaked when I opened his bag and found two digital cameras, the ones they used to take pics of the kids and update the app. Needless to say, I had to sneak those bad boys back the next day without making eye contact with any child of staff members. Every afternoon is a lucky dip. They knew, they knew one hundred.

Oh yeah, this kid got a criminal on your hand. Lock that kid up right now.

Not just one, but two cameras.

Two cameras. What was gonna do with those two cameras, Ravo. Look, he could have just taken one, but he thought, you know what, I'm brady, I've taken two.

I'm going all in.

Also, the Shiites cameras, they have a kindie like you get a photo of your kids. It's so fucking yeah, this is twenty this is twenty twenty three. Okay, take a picture on your iPhone with live field.

Hard says the influencer.

Lives on. Use a ring light, Use a ring light. Poor girl's getting paid about sixteen dollars an hour to look after my kids.

And you come and picking up busket being like, hey, just shit quality, just a bit of advice, Rachel.

And stop posting that my kid ate all their food. And then you post a blurry photo of them.

Shout out to anyone who works in early education. Yeah.

Look, I could never do that job obviously.

I don't try and come crawling back now, Ash, don't try and redeem yourself. We all know how you feel about people. We gotta get out of here.

We do have to thank you, guys, appreciate this.

This is the episode. I just want to say one thing we have had. You're on the responsibility of replying to people who message us on the Instagram. Ash loves it. Don't. If you want to speak to Ash, the best way is to write to us on our Instagram at two doting dads. But also, whilst it's great to have those messages, they're dead to me because they're not public. They're private the dms, no one else has seen it. Leave a review, yeah, make the message in Apple podcasts. Yeah that not a message,

No, no, no, look I love it. I love it when you comment because it's weight. Then I don't have to go to the d ms. But no, do send us a dem if you want to send me a DM. I have been trying to get to them.

You've done a great job.

I went back three weeks last night and those listening me like I got the sorry message?

Did people when you responded, do they right back?

They're like, nice, try champ. Yeah, I got a lot of people. I've got a lot of nice messages. Yeah.

Keep the coming, Yeah, follow, subscribe, review, share the episodes with the friends. I love it. If you did until then.

That's us. See you later, see us