Down and Dirty with a Bunch of Blokes in a Van

Ashon. I want to show you some voice messages. I think we've had multiple from the same guy, Dylan Brown on.

Ida, Dylan Browntown.

Can I just I'm just gonna I'm just gonna fucking play this for you. Listen to that.

What's he just farting?

This is the last one?

Is he just farting into his phone? That's great?

And just he sent one of the twenty first of July one of the twenty second. He sent the last one yesterday commitment.

I like it always.

Around seven or eight o'clock at night, so I'm guessing after dinner.

After dinner, he's just farting into his phone.

Welcome back to two doting dads.

I am Maddie Jay and I'm ash This is.

A podcast that is all about parenting. It's the good, the bad, and the relatable. And we have to do for legal reasons. Just tell you right now that legal reasons. We've been advised for the lawyers to say that if there is any information which may seem like advice, it's definitely now if you do use any information in this podcast for your own personal situation, do so at your own risk.

Absolutely, And before we get started, I do want to say, Matthew, I'm very disappointed in you. What is the time. The time is now twelve forty five. I have been with you for now, for nearly two hours today and you have not acknowledged that today, today, to day my friend. Well, actually you're not my friend anymore. It's my thirty third birthday and you've just completely Oh my god, I forgot I am and for two hours. I've saved this very moment. So this will be our last podcast.

I'm so sorry.

How fucking dare you? You know me, I'm like a child. I need this. This is what you've done to me.

I apologize.

You did buy me breakfast, don't nah, there's only do I get to decide your punishment? Do I get to decide punishment? I want you to clean my car, the outside of my car in your budget smugglers today after this recording. I'm not fucking joking.

I think I've got a bucket down in the storage area which park half out.

Bring it up. I'll bring it right up front and center. That'll be my birthday present and your punishment.

I did have every intention to buy your gift as well. I want your are okay, look I am fucking sorry, mad I'm sorry. We have been together for a couple of hours.

Have you not checked your Instagram? I thought, there's no fucking way I'm going to be able to get onto this podcast today and go, guess what you've forgotten.

I will get you a gift.

No, I don't want to. All I want from you is to clean my car and your budget today.

Not a problem, you lucky.

It's a nice day. I've given you a beautiful not a bad little not a bad day for it.

So okay, can I just say it needs a wash?

It's pretty fucked I was liking that.

In my defense, I've been very busy.

I don't care.

It's been a busy couple of days.

There's nothing I've moved. I'm most important.

Yeah you are. You are the most important person in my life right now, father, kids, and Laura. But I've just moved here. I'm moved out save almost on my own.

I'd say, yeah, I know. Look I know because you've fucking winged winged about it for ages.

And I also did say, if you watch our social videos, you will notice that the great little setup we had at the old place with the washing line behind me.

No, longer.

It's no longer there.

You're gonna have to get it back.

No, I fucking don't even know what that washing line is anymore.

The washing line. You have an inbuilt one. Now you have an in built Yeah, it's not a hills hoist though.

It's not. It's not it's it's not the same.

You can't play gooner fortune on that one.

But also that one's there's no shade on that one. If it's raining, its fucked.

We wouldn't.

Yeah, anyway, we have moved. We are no longer in Bronze. I've gone back to where it all began, Bondai Beach, back in the bubble. He digs North Bond isn't North bond We're up this way, sh But we decided ash yes to move. Plan is. People think I'm crazy when I say this, and it wasn't really. I actually think Laura was the one who instigated it. My mom. It's coming on seventy three, maybe seventy four.

I should probably know it looks much better than that. But yeah, she's an avid listener, so that Ellie's gonna love that.

We wanted to get a place where my mom could come down and spend more time with the kids.

You're looking for an in house baby sit.

That's essentially what we need right now. So we've moved, and I just everyone knows that moving house is fucking awful.

It's up there with one of the worst things ever. No one has ever been enthusiastic. You could honestly be like buying a fifty million dollar mansion and be like, yeah, moving into this mad house, but then moving day you like, fuck this, let's just stay well.

I reckon that people who are buying a fifty million dollar mansion aren't really lifting a finger.

I think if I bought a fifty million dollar mansion, I would just leave wife and kids there and I would just be like, just moving house. I'm moving life now.

I made the mistake. Though we've booked, we had the remove less coming to Wednesday. It just it was it made the most sense in terms of like when we have to give the keys back to our old rental to moving into this place. The Wednesday is when Laura does her podcast record, and I was like, that's fine, it'll be sweet you do that. I'll look after this. Got it dialed. Worst decision I ever made in my life.

It's a two man jobs. It's fun, it's it is punishing. I've been in my place now for a year. But like I was saying, I moved from down the road. So all I did was just open the boot, launch things into the back, no boxes, yeah, and drove up the street.

Didn't have a removeless company. You didn't have any help. No, what did you do with your bed?

They're still there in your bed?

You just left it the old no no, no, no no.

We just put it on the roof. We did meet. I had a mate just help me. We literally it's like seven hundred meters ut the road because we hit a speed bump and dropped it and we had to go back for the mat TrEPS.

You didn't tie it down, nah.

It was just like we just did mattress on top of the roof and then me and a couple of boys holding on literally twenty k's an hour up the street. That's easy.

Did anyone like walking on another car look at you and think what the fuck is going on?

Nah? Because I live in a swamp. The people used to that's what it's not North Bond, I mate, where people would be like, oh, we can't be friends for them, I don't afford a tie down. Yeah, so like that was just like throw it all in the back of the boot or whatever, drive it all up, open the garage, launch it back in, and then.

Just did you have kids at that point?

This was like a year ago, mate, So yeah, what about the that's the arek kindy just got it done.

Wow for your animal.

Look, I'm like you, I'm a real man.

I used to work in events ash and like loading up putting pallettes in the back of a truck. That's what I did.

Yeah.

Look, you know, blood doesn't show his hands.

They're pen pushing here.

Good to write emails. But I was on the back of the bed frame with the fucking boys. Yeah, loading up the truck.

We're on the back of the bed frame with the boys.

All right, boom boom, get in.

All we did was boom, boom boom, just put it in.

I don't know if they appreciated my help or not.

Do you know what? There's probably this inside joke for removal lists that are like the homebone is that try homemooneer is out of here trying. It's kind of like when you have like a handyman in and there's always that like over the shoulder, over the shoulder, what are you doing now? There? They're probably just like fucking here the fucking they loved it. They'd be calling your uncle. I loved it his uncle.

We stopped for lunch, had smoko. I was like, good day, boys, Hey.

You guys got I've got to have roll and a shocking milk and a sticky when I.

Talk like this normally, and then when I'm with the boys.

You bug it on.

I was like, I reckon, we try and lift the barber after this.

And then your daughter walks in. You're like, daddy's here, Daddy, It's okay. You're hungry, You're hungry, sleepy.

And then did the boys. I was like, here you go on, where's the job site tomorrow?

Where's the next move?

What? Fuck you?

Every man does it if you're not a trade And then all of a sudden, you're around a trading for ten seconds, you turn into like someone else.

Was Nick who was in charge of the removed Nicko. He was yet he was proper blue collar, great guy, great guy issue though, she'll be right. He connected the washing machine the pipes and you go pipe from the washer to the hose taph He screwed one side on and then he goes, it's too short. You're gonna need a bit of a longer one. He's got out of Bunnings you buy two meter hose and I was like, yeah, yeah, I don't know what you mean.

What do you mean like the you know, the bloody wooha down the blue, bloody white thing.

So I've gone to Bunnings picked up the hose. Also felt pretty mainly being in Bunnings with a hose and hands.

Just reminds me of just before you go on you probab. Wouldn't say it because I haven't watched Park in rec where Ron Swanson's walking through like the bunny and they're like you need helps her and he's like, I know more than you. I picture that.

It was the opposite. I was like, help help me, I'm the last breckon nail. But I got out the pipe, came home, went to unscrew the pipe because it was connected to one end to the mains. Couldn't unscrew it.

Oh, not manly enough, I had to message Nico're just like manly vocals around the boys, but as soon as it comes to untaking your tap, you're like fuck.

I had to message Nico and be like, is there like a little secret to one doing this? And he's like, MA, Lefty, Lucy, you couldn't fucking do it either.

I know, I know, So we have to get Laura in to do it. Aprilil come around, She'll do it.

And the only thing that really sucked was we had an inflatable pool from Kmart that was sitting.

And I remember it was the mosquito breathing around like it.

Was full of dangy fever, thnky fever, thanky fever.

You had your own swamp I live in at the back of your house.

So we got rid of the inflatable pool and the tiles are like black, and I was like, I really want to get the bond back, Like screw it, I'm going to get the gurnie out. Started gurnying and I now know that I didn't have the right attachment, so like maybe like about as wide as your finger, that's how wide the pressure, So imagine it's like it's almost like a nickeo. I was doing these papers with this little attachment. I now know you can get like a proper.

Yeah, big like round thing that just goes.

Yeah, yeah, and I finished two hours in. I kind of stood back to admire my work.

How are you four arms today?

Okay? You know what I also did?

You tried to have a wang and you couldn't. Oh it's too soret.

The hose attachment because it was really old. It kept popping off catcher. So you're plugging the hose. So anyone who who hasn't gurnied before you get the garden hose plug it into the unit and it kept popping out. So I had to kind of hold in that. Going in with the other with this little head that was like five centimeters wide, doing a huge back patio took me hours.

Know, you were actually offline for so long trying to get hold of you. I even had a nap, but I did all sorts of things trying to get nothing from you, and I was like, what the fuck is this guy doing?

I finished, and I look back at the patio and it's like it looks like ship it still it looks so average, still black. And people were like, oh, you have to use an acid wash now, yeah, probably, I.

Don't know, bring your fucking removals. Your best friend Nick help like, yeah, you need to mash oh yeah, in a bloody acid wash.

That's right. I drink that on a front.

That for smoke.

Nick, if you're listening, thank you for your help. Anyway.

Anyway, here's that payment. Was it just a quick shout out onto that I mean in fluent.

Flu a content creator? Thank you very much. But mate, we're here in the new house.

It starts, thank you. I'm looking for defects. Oh, we found the creaky floorboard. Where is there? Oh yeah, sounds like a fart. Sounds like brown Town, sounds like Dylan Brown. You sound like you've had a great week. I just want to give you a quick little insight to her. How my week has been. April very sick over the weekend.

Yeah, sorry, how is she?

She's okay, now she's well, she's actually not still not great.

What was it? Do I know?

I think it's just this influenza that's going around. I don't know. Again, not a doctor, not a doctor, just to guess. I was like.

Finger in the bumpy that is chlamydia.

Oh, yes, a little bit warm up there. And Macy's had conjunctivitors this week.

We were on the phone together when you were like, oh, ship, Candy's calling me.

The worst call. Someone actually dmd us as well, saying like, is it the worst when that happens? It's been over it a few times. I think it's kind of like one, you've got to stop what you're doing too, you've got to go pick him up, and three still got to pay for it.

With that phone call when they say you've got to pick them up? Have you ever been like I can't just nah, leam out the front they're working out. I'm good, I'm good. I've always been in a situation where I'm like this around the corner or working from home. But what can you just can you just say?

I don't know. I think they just call like the third person, so they'd call for me. They called April called me. Then they call pop Up because the pop Up picked him up all the time, and Papa would just say.

Yep, Poppa, he is good. He has got April's dad. Yeah, shout out to Popper.

Yeah. Anyways, everyone's sick. Everyone sick in your everyone's sick in my hand. Have you been seeing you?

It takes a lot to knock down big Old Ashton.

Oh yeah, I reckon. I had about ten hours sleeping, like the four days of last week everyone.

Oh you're such a god, you're a here.

Big nights out. I went to the Matilda's go.

Wait. I thought, you're gonna say, because you've been looking after the kids and nah, you've been going out getting pissed.

Yeah. I went to the Matilda's game. It was great.

How was that?

The atmosphere was amazing. One thing I didn't like about it though, is far too many puffa jackets. It was just a sea of puffer jack and you know what, seventy five thousand people. They could have fit double in that if people they said it was like wall to wall gortex, like George Costanza, like they're stuck in this seat.

But it was all for a puffer jacket.

That's like, I belong with my people sleeping bag. I can tell I was like a bunch of people walking around in their sleeping bag. It's ridiculous.

Just that love like.

Walking down makes me sick.

What do you wear if you don't wear a puffer jacket?

Absolutely anything?

What is that?

I'd wear a fucking burlap sack.

Two things that you wear a potato sack that don't make any sense because they're very practical and being a dad is all about being practical. Crocs and puffa jackets. I hate them both, two things that you were fighting way too hard.

Just won't do it.

Go with the tide. Come and join us. Please, When you finally start wearing crocks and a puffer jacket, we will all be there standing outside your house being like, oh, no of us.

I fucking hope that day.

It's gonna happen. It's not a question of if, it's a question of when.

It's not going to happen. I promise you that.

And you were sitting right next to Hammich Blake the soccer.

I wasn't far from him.

Did you see him?

No? I saw Jim Jeffries. You tell me with the alumni of comedy just in the comedic bar.

What are you doing in there?

I don't worry about it. Nah. It was actually just general admission. That was just jah really yeah, yeah, yeah, So I went. I went with a female soccer team. Long story.

We can we just say for a second, I get around. Not many people know this about you, Ash you were previously I would say, a semi professional. That's that's not even I'm not even trying to be funny here.

I was not.

I wasn't who'd you play for? What was it? Tweed River?

Tweed River?

Crabs? What was it? Who were they?

The cuts and crabs?

What was your team called?

It was for far North Coast, New South Wales? That was what was you? Like?

What was your animal?

I don't remember, I remember anyway, Can I get back to my story or do you want to go on about it? Anyway? So Macy's been off sick now the other day it's been quite nice, warm weather. There was a couple of rainy days there. But on Macy's change table there's a couple of drawers underneath, great perfect nappies in there, everything you need. So Macy did really big ship. I'm talking a fucking room clearer. Someone will walk into

Yeah, I've forgotten.

I've forgotten what happened there anyway, because you focused on the kid. Yep, yep. So this is her room in during the day, faces the sun. So we're out all day, all day, like the sun is just beaming. Thankfully it's winter. Imagine it was summer beaming down on this drawer.

Like a mini kiln.

Like it was just like like the death ray. And anyway, so I'm out cooking, I'm out. April has been in bed all day.

April's at home sick.

Sick, but she's in the other room she's been in. She's I've never seen that bedridden. So we eventually we come home, have bath or whatever for bedtime, and I take her into a room to get dressed, the change table, and I opened that drawer. It was already a room clearer. Open the drawer and it just about punched me in the face. I've left a nappy baking in the sun for eight hours.

And I was like, I was like four my eyes, your clothing just disintegrates.

I was just like, everyone needs a bath again, Oh my god. And it was just like pain has been ripped in bed and she just hears me going, oh, She's like what, and I told her what I did. It was honestly the most putrid thing I had.

The neighbors must have thought someone had, you know, fallen like got nil ill and been there for like ten bar.

It was like like when you you know, when you're like walking down like a bush trail or something, you smell a dead animal. Yes, that's what it was like. But I didn't come out until it's like they've made the drawers to vacuum seal. The freshness in the house still sinks. It's just baked its way into the top drawer. You know when you have those things that you just cannot clean to get the smell. That's what the top draw smells like.

Now you just is every window open in the.

House, everything's open, the ceiling off to air the fucking room out. Anyway. I feel so amazy because she had to sleep in it.

Poor little girl. Husky daddy, please you've done this yourself.

Get in there, so Matthew. Last week I told a story about a friend of mine who had a really really bad gift from his dad, so his daughter's grandfather. It was a jacket, turned out to be a dog's jacket. I told him that I told this story. Had hec and I was like, he said, I heard it. You told it much better if I tell it. It's just sad. So anyway, we received a few dms, but.

I put the call out there for anyone.

Well, even before I put the call out there, it sounds a good one from taking. So her father in law gave her son twenty dollars for his birthday. He later took the money home with him because the son kept leaving it on.

The floor, just like twenty on its own. Must have been a twenty little lobster.

Must have been a little lobster.

Yeah, hey, it could be worse. You could be giving nothing to your good mate on his birthday.

Oh yeah, but you're going to clean my cast.

Did you time this segment specifically on your birthday knowing that I would forget your birthday present?

Oh yeah, and it's clinical like that. This is all just I've been working on this for months.

It's to make me feel even more shit, not exhausted from the house move. Is that why you put this together?

Yeah? Absolutely. Anyway, we'll come back to that. I've got further punishments for you. So here's another one from Just Get This renamed Nicki Webster.

No, it's not the Nicky webinar.

I can't be.

It could be with a photo.

There's no photo screenshot it. Anyway, Nicky says, my uncle would save his Happy Meals toys and give it to us for our birthdays. I think that's I like it.

That's I mean, pretty stingy.

I'm all for the stinge.

But kids love that shit.

Yeah. Yeah, look there's ship presents bo aren't they. This one is my life. H My kids are one year old and he got a rebound soccer net. He can't even walk.

For a second.

I was like, that's a good and there's a lot of really stupid grandparents.

That's going to be a real gift.

No one's going on surely, or they're probably thinking, like by the time of his second birthday, might be walking, might be a rebound. Is like, that's like, that's like training. You've got to be.

Yeah, as I said professional, you later grew up.

To be Ronaldo.

You got to start a mountain.

You do. Yeah, it's like Don Bradman with the ping pong.

Or the golf whatever he cares look.

Keep sending your presence, you know, like that. I like to see that. There's another one there. I was going to read, which was someone gift to their grandson a nature sensory kit which had like, what's that? Exactly what's that? It was just a tin with sticks, pine cones and leaves.

I was thinking, Oh, that's a great gift. Marley might like that.

Well, again, you can just go out the back there, just pick a few of those plants, gilo tin straight in there, a couple of pine cones. That'll show them.

Hey, before we go into your favorite segment. When we did the last episode in between, i've been to the snow. I do recall y Ash and sorry because I know we're also at some point we did speak about going to the snow together.

Well, once you found out that I've never stoneboard, you could crop me like a fucking meat pie.

You can appreciate that, No, I can't. Okay, Well, people who have been to the snow, if they have a friend who's never been to the snow.

It's not that I haven't been to the snow. It's not like I'm going to be like, what's this white cold stuff? It sounded like Mickey out, Oh my god, you've.

Never been when you've had some, when you've had some snow experience under your belt, I will then take you to the snow.

I'm not going. This is why, because you snow. People think it's a fucking privilege.

Like we're a different race. How do you segregate us like that in BONDI going to the snow with a puffer jacket.

Why don't you be fucking original for once. I'm just hurt.

If you want your car wash, you're going the wrong way about it.

You washed it. Make it so we went to the snow. Either that or I get Marley to get when she gets home, she's going to get out there and wash it.

She's got cars. You know that. The debate was before we went, obviously understood that you were not coming. That was identified. But then I was thinking do I bring my kids with me? Like? Do I bring Marley's four? That means she's just old enough for the youngest you have to be is four years old to.

Be part of it.

Take wine. But then I was like, what the fuck, what do I do with Lola? Do I? I couldn't find a babysit.

Do we do a buster just tied to a pole and leave her a bowl foot.

You can get babysitters down there. But then I was like, Lola's going to flip out if we're all getting ready and we're heading out the door and she's got to stay in the.

Year because she's old enough to know now.

That she's missing out. And then like it's it actually was a lot warm. It's fucking warm down there at the moment. It was like ten degrees where we were so like she could have played outside, but we thought we don't want to be crammed in all day by yourself. Got to the snow, saw the snow, and I was just thinking to myself, Oh, the kids were loved it here, like it would have been such a great experience. And then I saw this mom and her daughter. Her daughter

I love you so much. You're such a good parent.

And I was like, oh my god, my heart had the gilts and I was like I was kicking myself. I was like, I should have just brought Marley. It would have been such an amazing experience. And then I saw something that made me change my mind.

Oh yeah, and it was a dad said.

He was standing there carrying his skis like arms out like carrying sticks, defeated his skis, his poles, his kids, two of them, all of their skis, and he's.

Going, Johnathan, get out of that right now.

Kid must have been five or six on his back, just like laying in the muddy, melted water, big puddles of it. And he's like, dog, not see that, I'm corrying all the skis. No, see this dad fucking losing it at his kids. Both kids had no interest in being at the snow.

And you just spent all this money for him to And I.

Just thought, do you know what, maybe it's the right thing that I'm definitely I'm not here with the kids totally. My other favorite thing that I saw at the snow ash A lot of people go to the snow and do a little bit of skiing snowboarding, but really they're there to get pissed and party.

That's why I'd go.

That's yeah, I feel like you're that target audience, someone who would like to.

You could have just left me there. You could do what you need to do with.

This you do out there, there's a lot of bars. Secret at pray skiing they call it ash for those who aren't familiar with the terms. That's when you drink after you have been on the mountain.

Isn't that just called drinking?

A pray a pray? Isn't it just a prayer after no at praise?

Yeah?

After ski a pray a pray skiing Wayne pray ski. I'm trying to fucking teach you, mate, Do you want to learn? Do you want to come or not? People are talking in ski terms.

And you're like, what is everyone talking about?

And then and then when you hear apri ski. Thank god Matt taught me what people are talking about. As I stand here on my crocs and puffer jacket.

I'm gonna get some croc skis.

One morning on the Saturday, we got it pretty early to go, trying to get first lifts up and at the bottom there was a toilet there in the urinal. The guy standing there, who had clearly had a fucking big night nice, He's stunk of booze anyway. So he's like he's standing to one side. I'm standing about a meter or two away from him. I'm pissing, and he's doing the piss where he like did the head back.

Like, oh, that's the best piss.

Except his ski glove had fallen in the trough. Yes, that's great, and he's just pissing on his glove, and I.

Was just like defeated. Man.

I was like, excuse me, and he's like and I'm like, hey, your glove and he's like, oh my god, imagine being that hungover.

That sounds like a really good time.

And then, just quickly before we move on to your segment, I was driving back ash and I was very excited to see my girls three nights away. I was like, I can't wait. I'm gonna I made sure I got home.

Got to be the best at ever, read.

Them stories, and I thought, I'm going to get home at like six o'clock so I can do dinner at bath with them, put them to bed, and lasted about I'm going to say seven minutes before I was like, probably should have taken a longer break on the road and come home when they're asleep.

One more free night. Gotta get that free night.

Doesn't last long, does it? No, it doesn't last long. I was like, who wants a story? Fuck off?

Dad, you abandoned us for the snow. Ash told us all about it.

Because anyone would to put their pe amazon. No, you're a shit parent.

I was like, we heard about the Milo kids, so we're having such a good time.

You're a ship dad. Your brain really tricks you into thinking that you're going to enjoy it a lot more than what it's actually.

It was how quickly you forget? Who story was so boring?

Was it a real yawn? Yeah?

That was. You're gonna lie down if you want, mate, I'm going to you quickly forget. It's hard, damn Yeah, like just pecking away, yeah, pecking away. And then you go away and they're not pecking away for three days and you're like, I could go back and just kill it, and then they bring you crashing back down to earth within minutes.

It's kind of like. It's kind of like spicy food, you know, when you haven't had spicy food for a while and you think, I'm gonna have something spicy. I'll get the curry, and then you have one mouthful, and you're like that is hot and awful and not good and I'm not enjoying this at all.

And then the next day your ring hoole's just stinging. Tell me lies, Tell me Lie, Matthew. Our favorite segment, lies, and our lovely listeners submit lies.

Would you like to go first?

I think so?

Yeah?

Is that okay with you?

Well, we may as well get you done in Dusty because you're about to fall asleep. You keep your wanting so much.

Maybe you should just perk up your stories a little bit more. Make it through the episode. I'm just hurting you eat it. When we fight, we're not fighting. We're not I'll go first, just because I'm doing the talking right now, Lies Matthew. Every week our Lovely listeners send us lies.

They are great listeners.

It's either their d ms or we get you know, old mate farting into his phone.

Also, Dylan Brown, what's up? You've been very good at replying to people.

I know, very good because I'm not drinking as much at the moment. Got They have one of those robot vacuums, much like what you have over here that other rich people have.

I keep next to the puffa Jackets.

Puffa Jackets and the Crocs. So they've got a robot vacuum, and they warned their kids the robot vacuum comes around at night and picks up all the toys on the floor that you've left out. Yes, clever, and I am going to buy the cheapest robot vacuum from wherever and use the same Yeah, I reckon, that's an absolute fucking winner. The worst. So he got he got the tracks out, like the hot worst track. I think I've told you

That's not fun. Today you were drunk on Tuthay.

Get through half the day, okay, then you can party. So now I'm just gonna get even the robot vacuum doesn't work, And if someone wants to donate a robot vacuum to me, that'd be great because that would really help me out because Oscar lazy shit, Matthew, what have you?

Okay? Well, this one has come from a lovely listener Ash, who actually is someone that I've had sex with, and I don't often have sex with the listeners.

I didn't know my mum was writing it. No, this one is I don't know if I have sex with the listeners from me either.

Lovely I say, our lovely wife, my lovely wife out. But what's mine is yours? Yes?

This is all, isn't it?

This is a recording submission.

I have a new but totally acceptable lie that we can tell our children and has worked for like four days straight now. So I told Lola four days ago because she hates giving her teeth brushed. I told her that there's sugar bugs in her teeth and we have to brush the sugar bugs out. But then I doubled down on it because today I showed her she had chocolate in her teeth, and I showed her the chocolate and I was.

Like, look, it's the sugar bugs. She was like, God, crush, that's a parenting win, a.

Little hip thrust. That's really I always say that, like this segment really brings out the creativity of parents, and I don't think it can be underestimated how creative people are, because look, Laura has just come up with that sugar bugs. Sugar bugs is gray. It's like you'll, legitimately you go to the depths of your creative mind to come up with something to get a small child to do what it is that they have to do.

It's amazing how effective it is because I would have to like pin her down to brush her teeth, and she would be wriggling and squirming and screaming, and.

It was like a dog brush, Like it was easy.

To brush Buster's teeth and it was Lolla's.

And she's got all her limbs. How sleepy is over there?

Hey buddy, wake him up? Hey, yeah, you asshole.

Hey see tails Wagon's tails.

He's like, what do you want? Lola will come to us now as soon as she finishes dinner, and she goes the sugar bugs, quick, quick, get them out. It's amazing. I mean, she's anxiety on the poor girl's never been higher.

Just walking around.

Get them out.

What sugar is she having? That's what I want to.

Know, Hey, Ash before we go, But we do have time as always for two listener questions people who have written in they need advice for their own situation. For some unknown reason, they've come to us. I will go first if I may, sure, Okay, this question comes from Louise. Louise asks, how do you stop your kids from eating dry dog or cat food from the pets bowl?

Pick the bowl up. I'm pretty simple, although I have never had this problem. The problem that we have had with both kids is they love the water bowl. Ah, that's the thing. They splashing around in the fucking water bowl. Thankfully I don't have carpet, it's got tiles, so clean up. To Evie, well, it's just annoying.

I was going to say, Louise, are you sure you're not raising dog an animal?

Because we don't see a dog parents at the same levels see actual parents on this podcast. They never never eating it.

They're not not They like to. Actually sometimes they're like, have you ever had well a dog biscuit? Yeah?

No, I ate a shmacko now I go Waco for shmacos? How's that for a plug?

At we are looking for a new sponsor. What flavor you got this beef jerky with.

Lamb neck because they make them so realistic? Now looking, is this the snacks?

Will you? Is this after a night out or are you just like on a week night.

I was at a pet shop getting I was getting what.

Pet do you have? No pet? Buying a fucking box of shmackos sitting in your car, and.

Nora is buying a new collar.

It was like, why does the car stink of shmacko?

I was buying a new collar right for four for me and on the counter we're like, look, it was.

On, go on, explain yourself.

It was at human level the counter. I just thought it was it was a little no. No. They were like it was like a shape of a muffin or something. It just looked like the little biscuits. And I was like, oh, yeah, I ate it.

And the lady was like, excuse me? Is that?

She was like, they're meant to be for your pet. When you have your pet with you in the pet shop and it's like, you know, when you treat them for being good, you just ate.

Of course it's a human eye. You're not going to put it down on the floor.

For a dog. It was a bit of a.

We will make mistakes. We will make mistakes.

Anyway. It tastes like shit. So look, I don't know. Just elevate it, don't put it at human level because I don't it. Okay, Matthew. My question is things to do at home with your toddler that don't involve screen time. Screen time, not scream.

That's the biggest question for ever had that. I also I don't have the answer. For Thursdays, I'm with the girls all day. We have swimming in the morning. My go to is the park. I'm like, I need to be out of the house. I don't want to be inside the house.

If it's raining and you're at home. There's like the standards drawing, draw painting the.

Issue that I have, right though, Marley loves it, but both girls Lola will just's, she'll draw on the walls, she'll wreckon and then Marley will finish a drawing and then Lola draws in it and Marley's like, my fucking drawer, unbelievable. So then they have.

And drawing.

Where's the acid wash. My go to is we play zombies.

Just hide and seeking. You know, fine, it's h y hide.

And seek and I'm the zombie and then they have to run away from me and I go to try and find them.

I just locked mine in the cupboard. And on that note, we have run out of time.

You can't just leave it at that, No, you can't. Everyone listening Ash is joking. He loves his kids.

Why are you talking on my behalf.

I'm trying to help you.

I know what I said.

Guys, get out of here. If you have enjoyed any episodes, I do have to. I don't want to ask you to do something that you don't want to do.

Tell them the.

Fucking drop it right now.

I can don't.

If you could please actually three things, review, five stars or however many stars you would like to give, write a review. But also if you're listening on Apple Podcasts and I think on Spotify as well, and you can do this follow us. So then every week when we do put that a new episode.

You get it on Wednesday in your ears that you like, or send it to someone who needs a perk.

It's being spoon fed. Yea. It's like it's like having us injected directly into your veins every Wednesday.

And send it to someone that needs a bit of a pep.

Up because except for those who are parents at that doesn't count.

Yeah. Now send it to me. We need.

Got to wash your car.

Yes, let's go. You are.

Two doting dads. Podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and the connections to land, sea and community.

We pay our respects to their elders past and present and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torrestraight Islander people's today. This episode was recorded on Gadagal Land