Daycare Drug Mules

Do tell me lah do me definitely need to do a music video. Yeah, oh no, no to me laugh, tell me to me Lae.

Welcome back to Two Doting Dads. My name is Matty Jane and this is a podcast all about parenting. It's the good, the bad, and the relatable. And if you have come here hoping wishing that you may get some level of advice, no chance, no sorry. But if you want to laugh at Two Dads.

You keep no idea, make a mistake.

I then get comfortable.

Yes, absolutely, settle in for I don't know how long this episode is going to go for it this stage. Settle in for chaos. I got nothing. I'm just gonna let Matt ste this one. I'm just gonna nod politely for the hour.

Was ashes Mike not turned on. No, he was just having a bit of a down to day.

He was just nodding, just nothing, but nodding, what do you mean.

As we were walking back from a little coffee run this morning before we started recording, a lady in a pram. As we were passing her, she just looked at us, gave us a smile and said, I love the podcast.

Oh yeah, And well I didn't know what to say. Thank you.

Yeah, I was like, oh, I'm gonna mention this on the podcast. You never grab a name. That's the first time it's ever happened for you. Alright, you legend.

Big dog over here. I've got a lot of fans. Man, It's happened to me once in the shop, once or twice. It's in the shop and someone's actually said, oh, like, I love the podcast. Great, how did you ad? I was like, fuck off your peasants. No. I was like, obviously very grateful, Like that's great. I love that. I'm just waiting for someone to come and be like, your podcast sucks. No one thinks you're funny.

You fuck with it'll happen. It'll happen to trains on the way up and we're enjoying the ride.

I actually had a guy say to me. He's a friend of a friend, and he said to me, after a few beers in a bit of banter because we went opposite football teams, he said to me, I thought you'd be funny when he met me. He said, I thought you'd be funny. My wife and I thought you'd be funny, but you're obviously not. And my mate chimed in and I said, you're one of those guys who asked comedians to tell them a joke, can't you? Because what am I supposed to be funny all the fucking time? No?

Who is this person? Someone did say there's a funny one between you and me.

I'm definitely you, and I don't know. I'm the sweet, loving kind one.

But they said, I'm not going to mention who was. Then I'm just gonna leave it like that.

We're going we've got to stoush it out.

Yeah, who's the funny one. They also said that I swear more, which was a surprise to them, which.

I think is yeah, look I do a lot under my breath. Yeah, very good at hiding though.

Yeah, you've really dialed back the swearing. Yeah, who the fuck are you?

I'm maturing.

I wonder if roles will become reverse, Like in six months time, hopefully we're still here, it'll be the pis head and I'll be the athlete, ye, and you're there, like I loved or your DMS.

I can't. I'm trying to just do the odd one. So people were like, they're like, oh my god, that's responded, and it feels more special. I'm more of that sort of person where I treat you mean, keep king, do you know what you're needy?

Guilty? Yeah, And this will make it sound like I'm just trying to toot my own horn here ash, which is not the case.

Once an episode's okay, But.

Someone messaged us on two doting dads and asked for help on how to use an editing app called Splice, and I was like, send me a photo of the problem, and I troubleshot the problem. I'm now like it support tech support for because that's what we fucking need to do.

Encourage it. You're just going to get people, especially it's a community.

I'm building the community of people. And hey, if you need help with your computer, if you need help with editing a video, now come this way. This guy, Hey, don't know what to cook for dinner? Ask me.

I don't mind that I would like to see that because I would.

No matter what the request, I am here to help.

Oh my god. Okay, Well I'm not.

Okay, And that's fine. That's fine because people know that they message us at the standard, they already know that you're not reading at.

The start of the message, like obviously this is not for aDNA. Look, I'm the more interactive in person sort of one. Yes, I don't know, Yeah I am, I don't know what I am. Matthew better be here. They've been running competition all through July finding bitcoins in cans.

Have you found a bit coin and just not told me?

Yes? I have, but we'll talk about that later. In addition to that, though, there's actually a third bit coin. There's three, There is three.

Three getting round.

This third one's a bit more of a lottery. So if you buy a Better Beer from any participating bar throughout July, you'll receive a scratch card with a unique code. Now, Matthew, all you need to do is upload the information from that scratch card into the Winter Bitcoin page at Betterbeer dot Com TODAYU and presto, you're in the drier.

Question for you, Ash, could I enter let's say, like six times in a day? Is that possible?

No? You can only enter once a day for the month of July. And I didn't even know that you could do this through a bar. I thought it was just a can. So I'm just at home cracking open cans.

So now you're going to have to have like one beer at home, then one in the pub.

Yeah, because that's me answering every day.

It's an investment. I'm not doing it because I just love the taste of better Beer. I'm doing it because I want to deposit for a house.

Absolutely. And of course they've created a tap locator on their website. So if you go to betterb dot com dot the U forward slash pages forward slash win our Bitcoin Australia.

Now, we do have to say that if you live in the States of South Australia ACT or NT, you picked the wrong states.

To live in and move immediately.

They are the ninety states and you can't be involved. For everybody else, good luck. You look a little bit tanned today, been in the sun, been out and about.

I tried to serve yesterday, but honestly, motivation levels were low yesterday. And I did tell you that it happened again yesterday.

What you shoot yourself?

No no, no, no, no, no no no. The paper bag incident. It's fuck this one because like I just a ducked in to get dinner stuff for the week, one beautiful paper bags worth middle of the shopping center and I heard it go before I could stop it, and the handle just went straight off and it fucking spread out everywhere. Well, like you heard the strain of the p it went boom.

I imagine that's what it would have sounded like on the sub that was going down to the Titanic. Yeah, just that moment it's about to fucking happen.

Implosion. Yeah, next thing and this look. Arguably this is worse than the submarine.

I'd say, on part what did you lose? Grow through? Wise because you didn't even pick him up?

No, idd in the end, it did. I honestly, deep breath in. It was sy hands on knees, defeated man in the middle of a shopping center, and not one motherfucker helped me pick this shit up.

Why would anyone help you?

That's fair not I mean, like you just if you.

Had a child in arm, then it warrants.

Some just a kay Karen his groceries.

Let me ask you this. If you saw a young man on his hands and knees trying to reach for the pasta and the sauce and there's an apple that's rolling away, would you stop and help?

Absolutely? Fuck I'd probably take a photo of him, motherfucker. Yeah, pathetic, But I carried it. I just literally stacked it up, put it back in the bag, but carried it like I was carrying like a had like a dead body.

Did you get home, walk inside your house and then you start crying.

Well it was fun because I just go off the phone to you and I was telling you how much of a sad boy day I was having, just a little Monday sad boy day.

Was it the fact that mainly keep losing every game.

I don't want to talk about that. No, we hang on a minute. We beat the Roosters, just it was a rollercoaster of a game, and then we lose to the Cowboys. Cowboys are red hot at the moment, so fair enough. I'm not that upset about it. Honestly, I don't remember most of the game because I was hammured. But yeah, look it's just a bit of sad boy Monday. Then I had to get back in the car and ring you up and tell you what happened again, because it was sad.

The hardest thing about those phone calls from you, the fact that we're so far up heart, you know, we're a fifty minute drive.

Come and to hug me, and all I want to do.

Is just have you in my arm, hold you time that's and whisper in your ear. It's going to be okay.

Actually I wanted to. This is completely off topic, but it's back on topic of parenting.

What is it now?

Do your kids try and take their toys to kindy ah? Why they've got a whole kindy full of them. I get that they want to show it off. Get that totally. And we got an email, like the community got an email, not just not just like hey, Oskar's done reply or your reply. He's not stealing toys. He's actually bringing toys to you in and leaving them here.

Because do you what's your policy there with the daycare? Do they give you, like any instructions on what you can and can't bring?

They just like, don't bring your toys. And that's a fair call because you know, then they get possessed over there toys. There's fights like Oscar, he's left toys there before, and then it's a big drama. We get home and then it's like some other kids taken it home.

There's nothing worse. Shoots me to tears when it comes time to put in the kids to bed, and Marley will be like where's my unicorn? And she's left it at daycare and then always wants the one that she's got like fucking ten toys on rotation, and it's just always the one that she wants, which isn't in the house.

Yeah, Oscar, when he was a little bit younger, used to sleep with every toy he owned, And I will find this photo for you of his cot. There's no room for him in there, but he insisted, and he had every single one and he used to line them up like perfectly.

I've seen on stories on Instagram he gets his little cars and he lines up his cars. Was he doing that in the cot with the cars?

With cars everything?

So he's not gone for like a Teddy Bear.

He had the Teddy Bears in there too. They have their own section. I'll find the photo for you. April definitely has the photo because we were like, we need to stop because it just he just kept a king emulating he was a hoarder in the bed and then eventually we were like, okay, you can have one or two, and like now he has one or two when he goes to bed, but the going to the KINDI he wants to take something. He's like Can I take this? No?

It's so hard you want to take the path of lease resistance.

Yes, he'll play us off each other. Now where he'd be like Mummy said I can, and I'm like, did you Well, Mummy's not in charge and April's in the background in charge. But it's got to the point where I have to frisk my own kid before letting them into the kindy. I'm doing the pat down. And yesterday he got away with one that have parted, so he got he had a kind of surprise to him. What he's done is he's deconstructed it and separated it into

Day, just like stashing these up as rectum. I'm going to go to the toilet.

He's like pooping it out so it doesn't burst anyway. It's going to be a really good drug meal. When he's older.

I'm always like in the morning, whatever the kids want, I'm pretty shit and disciplining.

Yeah, well there was an email that was saying, hey, stop letting your kids bring their toys to kindy sorry or to daycare or whatever. I can't remember what it said, but look, that's fair, but it's just another battle.

Yeah.

First of all, they're stealing toys. Now, he's trying to Why are you trying.

To make life so difficult for me? My kids are the same, and they have kind of said in my daycare. I'm sure it's the same everywhere, Like, like you said, we don't want their personal toys being brought in because it just kicks off. It does, Yeah, because kids can understand everybody wants to share it.

They also say like, I don't know if you kids these toos, like says like another kid's name. It's like, oh, he's allowed to bring his toys in, trying to convince you to let him.

Gosh, they're clever, aren't they. Gosh, they're clever?

Why they're not? They're fucking stupid. We've been over this. But they're also like they've also got a little clever piece about them.

Marley and Lola now bring a second bag filled with shit, filled with their toys. So they don't just bring that little knickknacks like one or two. They bring a full second bag, which I try and like hide as just being a bag of maybe spare clothes, because you get where we go to daycare, there's a little like a little shelf with buckets where the kids put their bags. And then as I drop her off, I try and I pray that Lola doesn't open that second bag full of toys whilst I'm still there because I.

Have to take them. So you're helping them.

Yes, I'm complicit in this. I'm the enabler.

You're helping them actually smuggle, Yes, contraband it's.

Not even it's not even smuggling in the sense of like someone strapping heroin to their legs. It's someone literally, like with a bag of heroin walking through the airport. That's the type of smuggling that they're doing, just going through the security and I just try and dump them there as quickly as I can and then I'm out, get out of there. And it's always but then it's when I pick them up and the I'm like, oh, I got your water bottle, got your bag, and they're like and this is yours and this.

Is yours name.

How did that get there?

Well, you know what we talked about, they'd be doubling you into they'd be like, daddy, let us do it.

Oh yeah yeah, And it's hard. I don't want to say, like, don't tell anybody. Secrets are bad.

I know. And that's it. Like I said, I've caught April sneaking chocolate into the Kindie. I just know that she's letting him sneak toys in and being like, don't do because there's times I've opened his bag and seen one of his toys in there, thinking that we didn't send him with any toys, and April has taught him how to sneak things in. A is just a bad parent. She's not just full disclosure so that I can continue to have sex in my hand. She is not a bad parent.

Fantastic's great.

Also, Boby home soon.

Act's one thing I've realized about becoming a dad is it's not a matter of if, it's when you become a loser immediately.

Yeah.

I know.

That's actually very true, because men have this thing where we get stuck at a certain point. It's just when do you hit that certain point that you get stuck and you don't be can't continue on with being relevant? Is that where you're going?

No, I was going to say, it's more so, I'm just the things that I'm into now. Sometimes I stop myself at nighttime and I look in the mirror and I'm like, fuck, it's happened. I'm now a loser. I'm a loser of a dad and I should find it. But I'm just going to go, what is it You're going to go with the time. Okay, So I mentioned it the other day. I stayed up last night till midnight. I wish I was watching rex hunt fishing.

Videos after you found out he's getting really old. But I was.

I was up till midnight watching old fishing videos, and like I was enthralled.

I was like, oh my god, look at the Barralmundy, you're a fish expert.

I dream.

Have you ever caught a fish? Fuck?

You?

Legit?

Question?

Such a patronizing question, that's such a like look at me, look at these hands. You haven't I've caught a flathead before. I've been on fishing trips and as I mentioned, becoming a.

Loser, yes, sorry, no, as am I.

And also now as well I'm not worrying it at the moment. But my watch tracks my my heart rate. That's so boring and what I really like doing. I'm quite into it now. I wear it at bed and I track my sleep so I wake up and for what purpose I don't fucking know, nothing really, but I wake up.

You can look back at it and then tell people.

Literally, I tat Laura on the shoulder, I'm like, can you believe I've got official two hours of deep sleep and only one sleep?

Look at this, fellas, and everyone's like, glaz no one.

I'm yet to meet someone who's interested. Who's interested, I tell them the story about my breakdown of how much sleep and what level of sleep it was at. But I love it. I just fucking love it. And my watch told me the other day that my resting heart rate has dropped five beats, so because I'm doing a bit of exercise at the moment.

And I look at me like that, God help me get through this.

But I've started tracking my heart rate quite a lot, and recently, a couple of nights ago, Laura and I had sex. Oh yeah, and I thought to myself, I wonder what.

You want a deep stat.

That was a good performance.

You know, when you're watching like NRL and it's got like the intensity meet up, You're like, I wonder whose intensity is.

I'm like secretly wanting to put like a heart monitor on Laura. You could have put it a bit more effort, their baby, and you really slacked off in the last few minutes.

Yeah, we're going to analyze your performance. We're going to come up with a plan of how to improve your performance based off these insights.

I got up to eighty eighty beats permanent.

There you go, eighty pumps permanent.

Yeah, I wish you're like a fucking rabbit. And Laura came out from the bathroom and she was like, what are you doing because I was gross.

Straight after too. Let me just look back at that and let me just check.

She's like, oh my god, you're not You're not tracking your heart right.

If you just want and exos.

There was a bloke who found out he got found out for cheating through the garment app through Yeah, he was like an Apple Watch and I think she must have been on the iPad and it showed that he had these spikes at like one in the morning when he was on business trips.

Oh my god. Yeah, he could have just been peaking. That's a ship way to get found out. But you could easily weasel your way out of that idiot idiot.

Yeah, so I'm getting up to eighty beats permanent. I'd love to know if anyone out there is getting more than that.

We don't want stats.

We want to know what position was it. Hell, we want to know that it's a community.

As How many beats permanent do you get when you haven't a wank?

I haven't tracked that one yet. It wouldn't be much. I'm pretty quiet.

How many steps do I think you think you're doing in the middle of the night.

I'm doing this for Laura, not for me. That's at the end of the day. I'm just trying to be.

That way to see the spreadsheet and the graph.

We do an end of month catch up.

I feel like to get anything done in my house, I've got to yell, yes, why are they like this?

Because your kids hate you?

All right, that's I've got the answer I needed. Do you find that you to get anything done? You've like you? They just don't fucking listen to me unless my voice is at peak optimum.

Screen I many times have like watched something on social media which very much encourages the gentle parenting narrative, you know, like don't raise your voice, kids don't like.

To just gently hit them.

And I've tried it, dude, I've tried it. Especially where I lose my temper would be the nighttime and coming out of that transition from finishing dinner to then going into the shower. That's what I find really really difficult. And it's always a case of I have to say, like, get in a shower now, until the kids are startled, and they kind of go like, oh, dad's really getting cranky up, better do it now.

And I said to April, I feel like I spent most of my life yelling, and I've tried like as well. I've tried to get down to their level do that whole thing, and I just find it. I just find that I'm yelling at their level down there on my knees, like I'm going to counter three.

Fuck that's where I and I'm counting like w like so that there's no they can't hear anything else in the house.

That was like sixty percent of the whole scaring me that I've got to yell and mate, what do.

You neighbors think? Do they ever give a see them.

And they moved out? No, because she's way worse than me, our neighbor.

So it's just everyone's.

Everyone's just yelling in the whole complex. But it's like you try to get down to their level and go, hey, can you please take your clothes off and get in the bath? No?

No, no, even now if I talk like that, they don't even like look at me. They don't acknowledge my sentence at all, Like it doesn't even it us.

Do you think I don't? That's definitely not even I'm perfect.

Am I?

No?

Yeah, I don't know what it is. But is it like.

You've got to figure out what type of parenting style your kid actually listens to? Is that what it is? And we're just like we just go straight from we'll try it for one second and if it doesn't work for one second.

I feel like maybe if the child is really shy. Marley and Lola are both pretty, like.

They're pretty, they're pretty, are going.

Yeah, I feel like you've just got to really make a fucking racket.

For them to listen. Yeah, because I'm a friend of mine, I think has figured it out. I've done a little bit of testing and it doesn't work.

So he doing what science experiments with the kids.

Yeah, so we talked about the other day threatened parenting, which is my favorite because he usually gets it done, but they're seeing through it a bit. But I had a friend over a couple of weeks ago. He listens to the pod shout out the menows.

He love that.

He's come up with a new type of parenting called competitive parenting. And I've mentioned it to you before, but I've been doing I said I need to do some test first, because what happened was he had his kid over same age as Oscar, maybe a little bit younger, and I witnessed him essentially get his kid to do anything he wanted to do. And I was like, that's fucking amazing. How did you do that? And he was like,

So give me an example.

So, okay, kid was here annoying him. Me and Hi were trying to have a conversation, and you know what, they're like that don't get it. They're just talking And he was like, why don't you go in the trampoline. He goes, I bet you that I can jump higher than you on that trampoline, and that kid was bam straight into the trampoline and I was like, that's great.

I think that could be a boy thing.

I want you to try it on the girls.

Okay.

Anyway, So same day, and the biggest battle that you have with your kids is trying to get them to eat dinner. Why. I don't know why. I can prepare anything for them and they won't fucking eat it, even if it's their favorite thing. But then as soon as like dinner's gone, they're like, I want to snack, but trolls. Anyway, So he was there, We got the kids dinner and whatever.

Have you gone from a yeller to a competitive.

No, I'm still yelling. I've tried it a few times, and I've noticed April's sort of calling onto it too. It's like I can get in the bath first, straight up there, into the bath. So it's working with a few things. But I want to ask you, because you've got two girls. I want you so next episode, just maybe between now and then, you give it a go. Just try it for dinner time. Tell me what it's going to be like next week and if it worked

But i feel like I'm sure it'll work for a week and then the kids will underigure it and what I'm doing. They're like, actually, there's no prize at the.

End of this.

This motherfucker is trying to con me.

Is there not that smart? All that times I'm asking you to give it a go, I'll do it. I've asked you to do it, not on the pod, and you can ignore me. So now I'm going to hold you account.

Okay, give me a week. I'll come back next week and I'll tell you exactly how it went.

And for anyone listening. If you've got a different parenting style other than the not like gentle parenting, what else is there? Also? Gentle parenting is fucking boring.

You want a bit of spice, and want a bit of spiced You don't want to be.

Like Okay, little Timmy, what you do now is you please wash your hands.

You want to feel alive when your parents.

Yeah, I don't want to have to yell, but like, I want to enjoy some of it. I don't want to be like gentle parents in public. Like it's a bit cringey when you talk to your kids in baby voice as a man in public. Boo boo oh, shut up, dick, cringe button. Guilty, Yes you are guilty, but anyway, that's where I'm at. I'm sick of yelling. Try it. If you've got any other parenting hacks, it's not a hack, it's a style. I'm going with style because hacks could

Got speaking of hacks, Ash, it's time for your favorite segment.

Tell me loud, tell me.

All right, Ash, I'm going to kick off with the first line that we've had submitted. This one comes from Linda, who has messaged us on two doting dads on Instagram to which is the best way to contact us? Because Lida, I am always there's definitely.

A previous generation's name Linda.

She looks quite young. She looks quite young.

No one now called Linda.

I like the name Linda. I'm not saying that if I have a third child, will call him.

Her Linda little Linda Johnson.

Okay, so Linda has a lie, she says. So we generally do off the grid camping. So when it's cold, we give our two boys who are six and four, hot water bottles this winter at home, even though it's heated beautifully, they insist on having the hot water bottles. I tell them I'll do it before I go to

See gas lighting them.

She says it saves on time, and she's also being water wise. Well are you, Linda, I mean first point, Yeah, you are saving the time. It's the same amount of water. Oh maybe because the water's evaporating. She's really looking at exact quantities here, partially being water.

I think she's probably thinking like she's saving hot water, Matthew, other than cold.

Water, she said. She says, water, Linda, I don't mean to attack you here.

Let's do it. Attacked her name.

Well, she ends up and says, in the morning, they're always so happy, and they tell her how warm they've slept with a hot water bottle.

Idiots, you've just been gas lighted. Kids. If these kids are listening, it's a ruse six and four.

Let's hope, let's pray that they're not listening to this podcast.

Look, they've just been These kids are just being gaslighted.

That I do. Sometimes Marley will be like, I want to drink of water, and I go, I'll get it in just a second, and I closed the door.

So hang on a minute. You're just letting your kids dehydrate. That's very ea different because.

She she's just stalling. She's drunk, she's hydrated.

She's just finished a bottle of wine. She's traded.

He doesn't want to water.

No, Yeah, she's stalling. It's like Oscar's got this thing where he before going to bed, he's like sleep tight. I'm like, oh no, sleep time, sleep tight, sleep tight, sleep t So last night we were in We're all in our bed, me, Oscar, and April, not Macy. She's fast sleep and it was like, okay, budd, it's time to go to bed. And he's like, okay, we've got to say sleep tight to me. Five times. I was like, okay, freak, you need to put an end to that. It was

I told you, mate, they're clever, they know what they're doing.

I don't believe it.

Let's go the second life.

Okay, so this lie comes from go on. I think it's Alice. That's just a different way to spell Alice. At least, at last, let's go yeah, okay, yeah, at least I'm with you.

At least could be both whatever a less a.

Look, I waste enough energy. I'm trying to pronounce that person's name and he's just move on. Hey. So the lie I tell my two year old daughter is if she is refusing to have her pooey nappy change, I will tell her the flyers will come in the house and get her. First of all, I want to know by what you mean by get her.

I wonder if she ever sees flies outside and she's.

Like it's happening, traumatiz coming. I know there's all these there's all these therapists out there just rubbing their hands. I can't wait till your of age and I can get into that little brain of yours and your mother's wallet. There's just like this kid, like, especially if they were at KINDI or something like that. And they've clearly done a ship and they just see a fly. They're like, oh, no.

It's happening.

She wasn't lying, just getting running away from all these flies.

But if you're a parent out there causing any temporary psychological damage to your children.

With drama trauma, we want to know about it.

Please tell us. Submit your best lie to two doting dads on Instagram and we will incorrectly say your name and reveal the status segment.

It's like, how do we fuck this person's name up?

Please be very specific regarding the pronunciation ash. We should do some listener questions we should do. We'll go with two today, as we always do anymore, and I think.

It would be too risky anymore. I've lost interest. But so two is good, short and sharp.

First question is I'm assuming this is coming from a female. They ask, do dads purposely take thirty minute poos to get out of looking after the kids?

Yes? And thirty minutes is an amateur hour.

What's the longest pooh you've ever taken?

My wife still thinks some on the toilet. No, thirty minutes is pretty good. Look, it's no good for you to sit there you get piles.

What's piles like camorrhoids? Right, it's not good for you, but surely just sitting there relaxing in that position, it's really bad.

It's really bad. Yeah. I'm not a doctor, but that's what I was told. Hang on a minute, that I've been lied could be the case.

Female doctors were like, we need to fucking battle this issue right now. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, they really got us with this one.

It's the only time and place where you can really get some reprieve from the kids. Yeah, Like there's I guess mowing the lawn is another one where you're like, this is dangerous and it's loud. Kids get away from me, and no one talked to me for at least an hour. Yeah no, and then like I love to look after you, but you're doing shit.

Paul Rudd sums it up really well. And this is forty when his missus opens the door and you're sitting there playing like scrabble or something, and she's like, you've been in here for ages and it's like, what are you doing? It doesn't even smell. She's like, I've been flushing as I go.

Have you ever been sprung by April? With like your pants already up, like you're just sitting on the toilet.

No, nah, I've prepared. Yeah, you got to stay prepared.

You got to commit.

Commit. I look when she starts to make noises like louder and louder noises outside the bathroom, like she's fed up, then I'll go, I'll put the lim Now is time I better fart so it smells because I didn't do anything and I'm just mosey out.

It's always it's I.

Get in more trouble if I need to go.

Back and actually and actually do one.

Yeah, like later it's like again and you're like, yes, I'm going back for a courtesy wipe.

It's it's always an issue when I'm like resting with my fist on my cheek and I've got a red mark, and I'm like, oh, I can't. I've already been in here for so long that I can't call any long ago, and Laura is like, what's wrong with your face?

I don't unresting. Yeah, it's like you get it on your thighs the red mart because you're on your phone.

Mums must do that as well. It's not just guys. Sure that's a month thing. Also, do you reckon?

I think they're more like get it done because they just think it's icky.

No, I reckon. There's got to be moms out there listening right now who have gone Yeah, hand up, I'm guilty of doing like a fake shit.

Oh surely, yeah, there would be.

To get away from the family.

Yeah, I think it's fair place.

It's not just the guys right, Like we.

Were so like Sunday just gone. It was like a wet weather day. It was like nothing happened and was stuck inside and it was like three o'clock. April's gonna hear this, It's gonna get in trouble whatever. And it was like what time are we bathing? And bathing? And she ate bed and bloody, blah blah. She was like, oh, ten past six, it was three o'clock. I'm like three hours. Oh I got a pooh after the toilet and yeah, forty five minutes later, make my way back out.

That was a big one, babe, forty five minutes.

Nice. She knows, April, she knows. She knows too late. Now we're married. So, Matthew, question number two during birth, did you stay up the safe end or did you watch everything unfold as you will.

I very much stayed up towards Laura's head, held her hand end and try to comfort her as much as I could.

Husband of the Year.

Because I hate blood.

Like I hate vaginas.

I can't I can't stand the sight of blood. In that show on tv RPA and they show a bit of surgery like that, I can't watch any of that.

My friends, Like my friend is like, he's not a surgeon, but he sits in surgeries because he's like manages the equipment and he always tries to show me photos and stuff. I'm like, fuck off, dude, Like I don't need I'm queasy. We spoke on this podcast how I got Sea sick during the ultra Imagine what I'd be like if I went down the wrong end.

Well, did you have a little did you have it like a peak? Did you have to curiosity to get the better of you?

So I won't tell you the full story, yeah.

Because we actually we've spoken about doing a purpose of our birthing story, so we won't reveal everything right now.

We'll save that. But both of that one emergency sea section one it was a C section, so there is a safe end. So with the first one. Definitely didn't take a look. I didn't take a look. But one thing I will tell you is that when we did have to go off to the emergency sea section, I did have to step over a large pool on the ground from April. Sorry babe, but we'll talk about that another time.

Such a teaser.

And also also when you do a C section, they drop the curtain. I was like, put it. But I have a friend of mine who went and had a look. I think it was his second kid, he's got three kids. But he told me the story and just be mindful, this is not my story and you're hearing it secondhand. He took a look at the other end and felt a bit like a bit queasy about it. And he thought, I was just gonna remove myself from a situation a little bit to the corner of the room and face

That we'll get to him in a second.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, because it's like he's fine, propped.

Up against he's just getting some shut eye.

And I will tease you as well, Matthew, double tease. Even though we did have two sea sections. The second sea section, I did faint, but well, they'll save that. You are m a cock t.

Yeah, Jesus lady, I'll save the complete story.

Let's another time. We'll try and tell it next week. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I love how you say try. What do you got on? Let me check my schedule.

I've got other podcasts, death related, ones related.

Let's get out of here, mate.

Yeah, thank you. Guys.

We'll give you a little cuddle after what's been a couple of days.

As a sad boy. My wife was calling me sad boy. Yes, because you can just pick up on it walking around the house with a hoodie on a pressed teenager.

We'd like track pants on doing the gritty what's the gritty rage?

Anyway, If you like this episode, don't forget to leave a review Apple Podcasts, Spotify as well. Follow us on Instagram To Doting Dads, we would really appreciate it. Actually someone did. Right, that's a message saying I just left your review. When do I get jerked off? Because remember I promised that I would jerk you off if you left? Did you say that I did?

Okay? Did we?

Now I've got a long list?

Do we specify that it's only for New South Wales residents.

And not the nanny stay? Anyway, I've got a list of people who need to joke off, so I better get onto that. And with that.

Us Two Doting Dads podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and the connections to land, sea and community.

We pay our respects to their elders past and present and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torrestraight Islander people's today. This episode was recorded on gadagal Land