Cock-blocked by my own child

Question for you, Shoot, do you have any gray hair pubes?

I haven't inspected that closely, but not noticeably. We'll get my wife down here and ask me. You're going gray.

You go on, Clooney, I've got gray hairs on my ball sack.

Oh my god. I know you could honestly start calling him Clooney now and be like, hey, babe, Colooney's here.

Welcome back to Two Dirty Dads, Episode three.

Yeah, episode three, Well, time's flying.

If anyone doesn't know, my name is Mattie Ja. This is a conversation all about parenting, good, bad, relatable. If you're coming for advice, I have to always say turn back now, yeah, stop right now. We may be two doting dads, but we don't know what the fuck we're doing.

We're just doing our best, and that's all that mattered.

You look good, though, you've got like a little spring in your step to happy.

A couple of days, no beers feeling good. Actually it's been a bit of a rough couple of days.

Well happen.

I had a pregnancy scare. Now, I know what you're thinking, What does that matter? First of all, when I say pregnancy is head, I am petrified of having a third child. But I've also had a vasectomy.

What percentage do they tell you, like, this is going to be nine to nine point nine or what.

I honestly didn't watch the video they give you, and I didn't watch the video that started it. I didn't have a spression. But the thing is okay. So when you go get a vasectomy, they say, okay, so in three months or twenty wanks time round about that time, or if the three months goes over.

Or in like a week if you're ash, or if.

The three months goes over your birthday and it's nineteen wanks, then you go get tested to see if your stare up. And like me and a lot of other men, we didn't go back and get tested to see if I'm actually stare up.

Because it's non critical, right, You're like, if you've done your job, we're fine.

Well, I have a lot of faith in that doctor. So anyway, April comes to me a couple of days ago and she says I'm late, and I was like, I just sat awake on an operating table or someone snipped away at my testicles, and now you're telling me I'm going to have a third mouth to feed we're freaking out. I'm in the supermarket buying pregnancy test, running into really close friends holding your pregnancy test, like hiding it in the supermarket, going fuck, because it's like, I don't.

Know, it's always the way when you're buying eggs and milk, you're seeing no one. When you're buying like hemorrhoid cream and pregnancy tests, you bump into your old school teacher.

What she grab it? Yea condo? You don't well I thought I did anyway.

Because yeah, obviously you wouldn't even have a pregnancy test anyway.

When did you get the snip last year? We're talking six seven months ago, So.

When you're diving to the siftmarket or the pharmacy, what's going through your mind?

I was thinking about just not stopping, continue red on straight through, see what happens. But yeah, look she comes to three or four days late, and I'm like, you have got to be kidding me.

Wow.

Anyway, So finally, finally as you got a period, and we're like, thank god, but we have that you know, you have that conversation where you like, what are we going to do? And we might have said, let's not have that conversation until.

It's because it could be like it's a miracle child could be a miracle.

Or but anyway, I probably should book in and go and get tested whether I'm sterile or not knowing my semen. They've figured it out down there.

And tried to re rooted, they re routed.

There's a little one down there with the detours this way fellas, this way to the end of the cock.

So it's a hard no.

No for three.

Yeah, for me, always going to be two.

That was it. One was always going to be the case. Then once you had one, like not doing it again, but no, then we were like, we'll have two, and thankfully.

We had to still on the fence a little bit.

Well according to who weekly.

Having a third kid, Yeah, I don't know. I don't know where we're at with the third.

Got to have sex first, I suppose.

Well, actually, little hang on, little adventure last night. You know, I woke up this morning and the sun was shining brightly, the birds were chirping beautifully, the flowers smelled beautiful. Skipping to my car my neighborhood I don't really talk to I was.

Like, Hi, Glenn, he got someone had sex beautiful. That's up well that that's worth it. I'm going to call her after and see how it was.

Oh, look it was.

It wasn't with Laura.

It hasn't been that long. Like Laura and I were like, we're pretty good have sex, you know, regularly. She's been really really busy, absolutely flat out, and then when we're gonna have sex, she had a period, little roadblock, Yeah, waiting patiently, and then Tuesday is a great day because you know, Laura doesn't work too late. No, there's nothing ever on on a Tuesday, really, and so that morning when we left for work, Laura was like pre empted, Well,

So desperately like, okay, turn for fifteen, we're gonna do it. Then that's another thing too, with this pregnancy scare, because I was like, how did this happen? And she was like, oh, I tracked it back, and it just so happened that I was ovulating that day. I'm like, oh my fucking god, I'm gonna have a third kid.

This is gonna be really stupid. Ovulating happens before the period I must do. I feel like I should.

Know that we are two men who have no idea. Clearly we work that out.

We were lucky in that we never looked at the calendar. Just one of those annoying couples where first or second time.

Yeah, And it's like, I hate talking about this because there's people out there that are really struggling.

Like IVF. That is hard, hard work. We were very, very fortunate. Also got some some bloody strong swimmers. Surprisingly, yeah, after what I surprised, what I put myself through in my twenties, I think it just made them stronger, more resilient.

Yeah. Yeah.

So we had this planned sexertem in the morning and Laura was like, yeah, like later on you and me, Oh yeah, move And I was like, oh, I can't wait. In the morning. You have really good intentions. You know, you've got the whole day ahead.

Of you walking around with the direction all day.

I was like, I was waving goodbye to her with a massive stiffy horn.

When are you coming back?

Yeah, I'll be right here. And then by the afternoon and you pick up the kids from daycare like five o'clock. You then got to do dinner and that's it just sucks out any energy that you have.

Buzz kill moments. Ah yeah, buzz killington right.

My children cock block the hell out of me.

I love it.

At the moment kind of fluctuates between if they like mom, they like dad. At the moment, I feel like they hate me.

Everything you ask.

Of, every mouthful. They don't want to sit at their little kid's table, they want to sit at the you know, just everything every step of the way is met with like fierce resistance, even ash to the point where we don't have a bath at home. It's got a shower, and you know, you give them like five minute warnings, one minute warning we're getting out of the shower. Like they don't want to go in the shower. When they're in the shower, they don't want to get out of

She's wasting water.

Yeah, let's wrap up this show. We're going to get ready for bed. And she looks at me. Dude, that's what I did.

Oh no, I was like, that was a joke. You just hit the reality of that.

Well, she's looking at me and she's like fuck you, Dad, And I'm like, Lola, come on, I'm being as pleasant as I can, and I'm like, do you know what, I'm just going to slowly put it a little bit colder. I was on fullball cold and.

She's still and she's just sitting there ice man copping it, staring at me like whim hof. This is actually good for me. I'm going to be here for two more minutes and let my body adjust to this.

I was like, what is wrong with my children? I'm like, this isn't normal.

Nice queen.

And then eventually I'm like, turn the water off, get it in bed, and then we had dinner. It's now once you send a couple of emails, check.

Your phone, it's midnight. I got I got a text message when you are like eleven pm, so it must have been after that.

You kind of get to that point where I'm looking at Laura and she's like, oh, should we go to bed? And then we're both kind of like we've missed the window. The sex window is like nine o'clock.

Maybe I see what you do with the windows usually duct tape them up.

Up in in bed and we're like should we Yeah, Okay, it's like, yeah, I get it, I can get it done.

You're already laying on the work bend. She might as well just get some work done.

And guess who decides to come in?

Which one?

MALEI. She's curious and we were like in the midst, in the midst, we heard her coming. We're like, oh, come go back, go back to her coming.

That's good.

If you can't hear him coming, it would have been freaking.

I just had the worst flashback of my life.

Can you share?

I can share. I was like, I don't know, like twelve thirteen, walked into my mum giving my dad a hand. Mom, I'm so sorry.

In the bedroom, where was it? Yeah, did they say anything.

It's never been spoken about till right now. They've never like, never been mentioned. And now my mom's going to find out.

Did you just open the door shut it straight away?

Oh yeah, yeah yeah, yeah yeah yeah, yeah yeah yeah. I couldn't get out of there quick.

What was the form?

Like great changed hands without missing? Oh my god, I hope myself so much right now.

I feel like we're just uncovering some deep dark words about parenting.

Not my parents parenting, our parenting.

Anyway it happens to us, all happens to us. All okay, anyway, got the job done.

For comforting me, We're going to get through this.

Don't worry. All right, We'll got the job done. And I don't know if it's the same.

Did you shush it back to bed or just be like check a blanket over and get on with it.

At the time, I was thinking to myself, this is like, show's over.

Yeah, it's not gonna yeah, it's not going to be any follow up after that.

I'm not going to have this crescendo moment. And then I was like, do you want to get back to bed? And she was like, yeah, okay, We're back to bed. I was like, and then about thirty seconds later, I was done.

Thirty second it was about.

A good forty five here for a good time, not a long time. I was like, well, Laura, good night.

She's like, you've already roll over.

Sorry, sorry about that. But today I've waken up and I'm just like, I'm s so good. I bumped into a family at daycare and the drop off, you know, someone you just want to like get the kids out there and head down. I was chatting to everyone, tell it, yeah.

Very good. I'm impressed and I'm proud. Mathew. Have you ever heard about Annabelle.

Carmen's Annabelle Carmen's what person?

No, it's a frozen child's meal. So I've got something to admit to you that I'm not proud of. No one else knows this. I'm the sole person who knows this. My wife doesn't even know this. I know she's gonna find out.

Do you think she's listening.

It's not like something have Fuck, it's more it's embarrassing for me. Okay, So anyway, Annibal Carmens is a frozen kid's meal. You think this sounds harmless? Yes, absolutely harmless?

Lit a like microwave job. Yeah, yeah, lovely.

So last week we had quite a big boozy week, mainly me. You were bury on your best behavior. Me not so much.

You had a few beers, had.

A few beers, and I've stumbled home peckish.

Because roughly what times this is like thirty of the morning, very hungry, ravenous, two thirty.

In the morning, knowing full well I'm gonna have to be up at five thirty, but I'm starving. I walk in that door. It's a long way home from wherever we were, and I've stumbled in and I've.

Thought, oh, what's in the fridge, what's.

In the fridge. But before getting to the fridge, in the corner of my eye, I've seen an Annibal Carmen's box in the recycling and I've thought, on, my kids had Annibel Carmen's for dinner, but I know they wouldn't have finished it.

I know where you're going.

So I buried my head into the bin, scooped out the remainder of a Annabel Carmen's, reheated it and ate it.

You are fucking disgusting. Shame on you, Ashton Wicks.

Do you want to know what flavor was?

Please?

But a chicken?

Did your second guess yourself? Or was it straight in?

Didn't even think about it. I was like it was like I was hunting for food and just took it down like a lion would take down to gell or zebra when.

You're sitting there on the couch.

I ate it at the bench. Look, I'm not proud of it. That's why I haven't told anybody. And you know I woke up with a lot of anxiety.

Anyway, Did it even hit the side Okay, Daddy was full.

Daddy was. It was a nice little tree to get me through the but it just led me to think, like, what are some people desperate leftover moments? And like that is like the bot, Like do you know I haven't had a drink since.

Because before we started recording with that at the cafe and you're invited for a couple of beers on Friday, which you said.

If I'm not drinking?

Is this all because of the fact that it's a part of it? You're eating out of the bin?

I essentially ate out of the bin.

Yeah, do you know what I think? Personally? Play on I like, you don't want to waste food?

Play on six again.

The thing about buttered chicken is that it's a really pungent dish. So you like, did you hop into bed, did April at any point go you kind of smell a bit like buttered chicken?

A rinse off? Whatsoever of me stenching? Like anyway, it was a moment of weakness. I regret it, but I feel so much better telling you that.

Do you think this non drinking phase will be like a week, two weeks?

It'll be like two weeks, But it's like a two weeks clance to forget because it was like, look, just picture a fully grown man with no T shirt on, scooping some buttered chicken out in half cup, eating his back up, and eating it with his hands in the kitchen fan.

You didn't even use fucking cutorio opened the gullet.

I didn't have time for that.

Ship. Oh dude, Sometimes you got to hit rock bottom to then work your way back up.

Yeah. Yeah, it was delicious. If anyone's gonna ask follow up questions, don't because I say it was delicious and nutritious.

I'm trying to think of a story where I've done something similar, except like for me, it's normally just the cold toast that's still sitting there from breakfast at around lunchtime level left.

I was just saying that this morning I had some peanut buttered toast left over from Macy. I was like, yump, that's mine.

My kids don't really eat, and so when you're feeding.

That way, I knew there was going to be some left. That's why I went hunting for it. I thought. I was like Sherlock Holmes, I'm like, hang on a second, let me put a couple of things together here. There's definitely gonna be some butter chicken in the bin. And I was right, and I ate it.

Fuck, dude, look at yourself, look at who you've become. And April, this is the man you've married, This is of your dream, this is the father of your children, the current father of So next week when we record again, we'll be in like a really dodgy one bedroom hotel because Ash has been kicked out of home.

Ouing animal essentially like a bird getting something out of the bean. I am a bin chicken.

Hash. It's time for a couple of questions. Last week we did our first our inaugural Q and A.

Yeah, one of my.

Favorite questions that there's been a lot of chit chat on socials about this. It was a placenta encapsulation.

Oh yeah, yes, and I actually this the different ways to cook you.

Yeah, the smoked fried steamed. I didn't think it was widely done. I thought it was like.

I thought someone just threw it at us to be like this will real fuck them up.

But people have come out of the woodworks and they're advocating for I've had so many people put on stories on our Instagram. Has anyone done this expecting maybe like one.

One of my neighbors came to me and she said, we did this, but they didn't take them. So the husband threw them out eventually because they have taken up room and they could to keep the freezer.

Yeah, people say they keep them the freezer.

Yeah, this whole new world that we've just been opened up to.

I had no idea, and also a couple of people were like, hey you because I was kind of thinking that's crazy talk, like who the hell is going to eat the percenter? I thought people may come at us and be like, how dare you attack the placenta eat it's out.

The front of our house, protesting about it.

Yeah, but they'd be really great.

They've actually they've been more informative, haven't they.

Very forthcoming with information. I think overwhelmingly the mums have said that it helped, and they've also kind of said, like, I don't know if it was placebo, but like my recovery was quicker. I felt better, and I was like, hang on a second, how does it work? Like how much does it cost? How much do you think it costs?

Ten thousand dollars?

It's actually a lot more cost effective. It's very reasonable. It's not in the realms of.

Unford one tablet or for like that, for a course.

Of to process the entire placenta.

I can't give me nudication on how many tablets you get out of one placenta. Yeah, yeah, okay, and i'll break it down cost from that point. Yeah.

So I'm on the kids iPad a photo of a shit on it. Yeah, just do oneh you sent me this morning, but the same shit, oh that was last night.

Yeah, I can't proud of it.

So from one placenta, this lady has said that you get about three months worth of caps of placenter caps, and so it looks like roughly about ninety.

Okay, let's go ninety caps. Let's go ten dollars a cap. Nine hundred dollars.

Ain't way better than that. So between fifty four to five hundred is what you're paying.

Yeah, five dollars a cap. That's great value.

Except the weird thing is because I thought it's a bit of a unique object. It's an organ, right, and it's pretty full on. It's like, how do you get it to the person? How does that process? Yeah? Yeah, what are you sending? Just just they weigh it it's kind of Queensland. You have to get it to them really really quickly. So as soon as yeah, birth is over, you got to put it on ice And one mom was saying that they brought in like a like a Peter's ice cream tub. Oh that was cleaned down.

She get really excited before they opened and his ice cream.

To Napoleana the dad after childbirth. The dad had to get them to put it in a tub lid on and he then had to walk out to the car park like doing a drug deal, like handover oh my god, the placenta. Yeah, so they.

Couldn't come and collect it. There has to be like a mutual meeting spot.

Yeah, car park sounds super dogic.

Like all done on that signal app so that the message disappeared.

I was never here, but a lot of people did say that it tasted pretty bad, like the burping afterwards after burp was no good. But like some people were saying that they would take it and then because they were going, I feel amazing, the husbands would take it as well.

Not for mate, look like we went over this last week. If someone wants to do it, go for your laugh. But it's not something I would do.

I did get a really good message though, from one lady who didn't get placenta caps made you.

Got placenta heroin mate.

Just booting up. So this lady who was super lovely, spoke to her on social media and she was saying for a first child, and she's a really lovely midwife. And the midwife was saying, oh, I'd like to take your placenta and I'd like to make something with it a keepsake. And the lady was like a child.

Not keep taking up you've got You've got that thing now. Like it's like saying, I want to give you something to remember that, and you push that child out. It's like the child is the memory of that.

Is it? And she didn't want to because this midwife was a bit older, super experienced, delivered hundreds of babies and just yeah, just like goes into her basement and pulls out these percenters. I think that maybe her friends hadn't had kids. So you know, when you're one of the first in your group of friends to have kids, kind of flying blind, you don't know what's normal or weird.

What is ready?

And she's like, what is this?

Lady? Way too scared to pick that up?

Do you want to see what she made?

Yeah?

Okay, yeah, she sent me photos, She.

Sent you photos of this. Am I going to be disgusted?

So this midwife, I'm not.

Rip it off the band aid.

Who am I to judge? This is a lovely gesture and it would be rude of me to laugh.

I'm scared.

It's a dream catcher?

What the fuck is that? That looks like something one of my kids to bring home from the KINDI.

It's not even like a nice circle.

Which is the placenta bit obviously not the feathers.

Yeah, it's it almost looks like the umbilical cord. But there she will drop it in in the video afterwards.

Oh my god. I love how she's included the anal beads. It's lovely.

And I said to her, I was like, so like, what did you do with it? Obviously you would have you would have accepted it and said thanks very much. And then I'm going to put this in the bit.

Awkward of that being like do you love it Christmas? You don't like, You're like, oh socks, You're like, oh, perfect dream catcher.

It's still they're hanging in a kid's bedroom. Still there.

Oh my god, imagine that.

I thought, like the smell in the bedroom.

There you go, that's okay, I'm just gonna put that's fucking disgusting.

No, Ash, shame on you, Shame on you to be so close minded. Okay, a dream catcher.

It's not the placenta. It's the whole DreamCatcher thing. I don't believe.

Yeah, it is fine, it's fine.

Hanging up it looks like skin from a sausage. Yeah, why was I expecting like a bagpipe looking thing.

It's quite tasteful. I think the craftsmanship is actually quite impressive.

Yeah, I'm worried what else she can do with the human body?

Why waste it? Why waste it?

Anyway?

Ash, last week we did three We're going to trim it down to two questions.

There was too many for the listeners.

Yeah, it was exhausting. Question number one, Ash, Yes, do you ever have dad guilt, Dad guilt.

So like, in context of dad guilt, my brain automatically goes to whether I've been sitting on the toilet too long, And I can hear the kids going absolutely mental and my wife's like trying to herd them in, and I'm like, do I feel guilty about this? So that's what comes to mind?

What about afterwards when especially I've yelled at them? Yeah, actually disciplining.

Okay, Never if my kids are listening, I never feel guilty.

Do you do a little bit though? Right?

Yeah?

Look, if I feel like your heartless animal, if.

I unfairly had yelled or unfairly thrown something in the bin and then reflected on it and thought that was diveraish of me?

Is this something you throw on the bin that you then go eat afterwards?

No non food, non food related. If there's voogun in the bin, arms straighten after it.

So has Oscar? For example? Has Oscar ever gone to you and said, like, Daddy, can we like?

So?

Marley likes to draw, that's her jam. She loves it. Sometimes I'm good. Other times I'm two minutes in and I'm like.

This is boring?

Yeah, Like, does Oscar have any games? That he loves to play any wants, like Daddy can't play with me, and you like the.

Hot Wheels car the tracks, I've actually hidden them so that he can forget, because look, I don't mind playing with the hot Wheels with him. But then it's like whatever I make is never good enough, so I've got to remake it so often to the point where I've been like, no, fuck. But yeah, after I feel bad, it's like he doesn't know. He just wants to have fun. So yeah, look, I'll say, yes, I do feel dad girl.

Because I think I feel guilt. Normally, it happens when the kids are in bed, and it's at the end of the day when you know, you kind of look into their bedroom. The doors ajar a little bit. I see Marley sleeping there so peacefully, and it's at that moment when you also you get a little second window of energy and you think, I wish, I wish I just gave a little bit more, And I never have that.

Really, I'm like, I gave everything I have today. I put in that everything, that time is gone, that time is mine. I always say, like, when everyone's asleep in the house, that's the time for me to just sit on the couch or go to bed. A lot of the time I found myself going to bed, and I have time for guilt. Like I said, if I've yelled them unnecessarily or whatever, then yeah, but I feel like in the moment, I've put as much as I can into.

The day, making me feel a lot more.

Yeah, yeah, be better. You're not putting enough, but it happens.

It happens.

I think different types of guilt we both have, which is okay because we're not perfect.

When you're about to discipline, do you ever have I've read a few things where I've seen a few videos where it's like, when you're about to react to something a situation, stop, take a breath, and then reconsider how you're going to respond. Do you have any or you're just off the cuff knee jake reaction.

I've tried to stop. Breathe, gentle parent, bigg as a waste to fucking die.

It doesn't I mean, if you can do it.

Going from nor to a hundreds the only way to get anything done in this house.

They don't fucking listen. Sorry, they don't listen. I'm getting angry.

Let's go, let's move to the next question.

We'll put disciplining on pause because I could go on.

All right, So, Matthew, question number two, do you have a favorite child of yours?

Yeah? Can I say that? No? No, hang on a second, No, I gotta I'm going to Okay, I will say this. You know when people say during childbirth, the moment you make eye contact with your garbage your child. Okay, I will say like, the first time I held Marley, it was that cliche like, holy shit, hit me like a ton of bricks, and I'm like a couple of tears

With you. I'm just being a jerk off about it. Go yeah, you're lucky.

I like you.

I'm so lucky.

So it was that cliche moment, and you know, we had a really instant bond. I find it takes a little bit longer for baby number two. And also because when youah baby number one, you know.

They're all that your attention is just.

Just you know, down and the two of you are just you know, every kind of noise, every movement, You're like, oh my god, Yeah, this is incredible, this is amazing. And then when we had the second we had Lola got a name for a second what's her name?

The favorites Marley.

Well, it just like it took a little bit longer to have that bond because when Laura was at home with Lola when she was a newborn, to give her some reprieve and to make it easier, I would take Marley out of the house and we would go and do activities. Also, because Marley was so young, she was like eighteen months. Marley and Lala are so close together that it was tough for Marley because she was like, Mum, play with me. She couldn't cuts she had a newborn,

Yeah, exactly what I was gonna say. I was going to be like, look, these kids have a favorite, and it's not me, very obvious, all right, it's always mummy, mummy, mummy, mummy, mummy. Right. Fine, I'm allowed to have a favorite if I want. You're gonna pin them against each other.

I'm seeing you with the kids. I think they do like you.

They do, they can't. I think they're warming up to me. We don't know each other that well. But yeah, look, you definitely I don't want to sit here and say your favorites. I do have one. I prefer.

Go on.

No, obviously, Macy's like the second one, and she's a girl, She's stated a little girl, right. But at the same time, like, I won't sit here and say that I like one of them more than the other. I hate them both equally. I love them both equally equally, is not just the other. So yeah, but like what you were saying on the day, you definitely have your favorite, and yeah, get the kid away from me moment.

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Sometimes some even it's most mornings to be fair, when Lola wakes up and you can hear her yelling she wants someone to get her, and I'll put my head in and I'll go, hey, baba, hey, good morning, you're awake. And she looks at me and she's like, not you, yeah, And I'm like, she wants you.

It's heartbreaking sometimes, isn't that. But also like she wants mum, so that's mum's problem.

Yeah, Also like it's kind of I would take her.

I would help you out of that bed, but I don't know. You're start idiot, use your brain.

I will say any other questions that you want, They're not going to be answered, seriously, Oh absolutely not. Don't take what we're saying as any formal advice. Go see a professional, read the books.

Love your kids equally or equally exactly.

But if you do have any questions, you can submit them either ashes social media, my social media or two dotting Dads. And if you haven't followed us, I'm.

Just a cheeky pH.

I've really been waiting for stop playing hard to get and also fucking good reviews, which has been great.

My favorite one was just one star and then.

I was like, obviously that's an next girlfriend. But if you haven't subscribed, with you, because if you starts. We would love that more than.

Anything, absolutely, and again thank you for joining us.

That's it, that's us there yeah two. Doting Dad's podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and the connections to land, sea and community. We pay our respects to the elders past and present and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today. This episode was recorded on Gaddagal Land