Child labour & glory hole books

Actually speaking of that Bluey thing.

Yeah, obviously they have.

The big bluey characters. Did you not see when we were leaving them carry them out in big body bags, so the kids get to see Bluey and Bingo, the big Bluey and Bingo. Yeah, and then as we will exit, they're carrying both costumes and legitimate body bags. Like what's that? I was like, that's a dead dog.

It's good to be back in.

Don't talk every rolling place.

It's good to be It's good to be back.

In the Northern Beaches of Sydney.

Good to be back in the Northern Beaches.

It is.

It's a fucking drive and a half out here.

It's like twenty three k's though, but it's like sit your traffic and you've got to go through like a couple of real shitty spots like north Bridge or whatever way you go, Like either way, anyway you go over the spirit it's a fucking not man.

North Bridge is quite a nice, like it's like a castle bridge.

Yeah, just knock that shit down, like, get over, get over it. Man. Do you know how I living in the past?

Do you know how I know you live really far away? Obviously, besides the fact that it takes me an hour and a bit to get here.

That's you're a slow driver.

I saw four roadkill for k Parkway. Yeah.

Do you know Wakers Parkway is allegedly haunted. There's a whole TikTok series about it.

Excuse me, bang haunted from what?

I don't know. I didn't listen because I don't believe.

It is a bit of an eerie drive.

Keeps people doing on that straight really yeah, not mysteriously, they just drive drunk down there. So what sort of road kill? Because look, I'm hungry bottom two.

I wouldn't say kangaroos expert. Could have been a wallabie.

Well, you can't tell when they're splattered across the bitchy how big they were to begin with. Could have been a mouse and just been spread out across.

It's always nice to go for a drive and see some of our unnatural fauna dead dead on the side of the road.

Yeah, some of the things that are on the flag dead. Welcome for a dead.

Em Welcome to ashes neck of the Woods.

Yeah, look we're roughing it up here, absolutely, but welcome back.

Welcome back to two doting dads. I am Maddie Jay and I'm ash. This is a podcast that happens to be all about parenting, the good, the bad, and the relatable and as always, advice not here.

Yep, not today, clear my child, as we say today, no advice. Well, you never know, there's all somehow we seem to do it. Someone always says I took your advice. I was like, don't blame me for that shit.

The next generation coming through, God help them, I will say. And this is the biggest surprising thing I think about the podcast is the fact that people go to the gym and listen to us at the gym. I find it absolutely buck wild. Yeah.

I had someone that did a run and listened to two episodes. What I know, Shit, it's not that good.

I'm like, surely you'd want to listen to like, who's that Robin's guys. He's like Anthony Robins, Anthony Robins, you want a bit him in your ear.

But like his voice is so annoying.

Yeah, we're not much better. But one lady was saying that she had to stop listening to us because she was giggling as she was trying to, you know, do a squad.

So for anyone too aroused me.

Apologies for that, but if anyone at the gym right now, one more deeper put it hard?

Do you know what? I hate that? Over? Like people are just like way too enthusiastic about the gym, Like I, look, I get it, I trained too, I just don't get like over enthusiastic about it like you and you're running anyway. As always, we would like to thank better be as this episode would not be possible without you, and we've gone back to the original, which is the zero carb, low.

Cow, zero sugar as well.

Oh beautiful, hash beautiful And look, I'm normally a can guy.

Why do you like cans? Oh?

You know, there's nothing more manly than crushing the can on your head afterwards. But I quite like this out of a bottle because it's crisp. It's one of those day drinkers. You know, it's only like eight am in the morning, so perfect dream.

If anyone at the gym right now, you can work out and have a better beer.

They're pre workouts, I mean, it's that's what I use them for.

It's refreshing, it'll give you a little energy boost. Approved by Matt Nash absolutely and also also Ash. Yes we're going to run a competition, a little competition, And the way it's going to work is that we're giving out a little merch voucher worth two hundred bucks, so a couple of shirts.

Your hat you actually, I forgot I had this bad boy?

What do you think?

I like it? It's comfortable, it's actually these ones are really good for sweating.

Would you run in that? Would you know? It looks it's too nice.

It's just good, too easy wash. I find that when you wash these ones the shape gets better. Reckon for my head, your head looks funny.

My head's tiny. It's such a little pin head. You have a great head for hats. Interesting that you're wearing a hat when you've just got a haircut.

I didn't want to wear I don't know. I just I just thought i'd wear a better be a hat. Because this episode is practical, and of course we're going to give away some merch. So Matt, please again tell us how it works.

Okay, So it's two in it all about you better be a merch. If you would like to be in the running to win it, all you have to do is just share a story on your socials of you listening to the podcast. So it could just be a selfie you on your phone, your headphones in, could be you know, on the car and like the little dashboard and you know you're listening to it.

Don't do it while you're driving, Definitely, don't do it while you're driving. If you drink driving, yes, don't drink drive, But if you're driving, pull over. Take a tag to doting dads.

So we have to do it all like a screenshot on your mobile phone or listening to the podcast. It is that simple. We will pick someone when is a competition?

Got to run?

Good question.

I'm glad you are the twenty first is the day, correct, and I'm glad you need me. You need me. So look, we're gonna pick one twenty four hours from that from the release of this episode random on the Thursday, Thursday close of business, we're going to announce the winner, and then we'll also announce the winner on the next.

Podcast, twout You thanks to Better Beer. Let's get into the episode.

Let's get into it.

It's weird to see you so fresh. What do you mean considering like shit? Well, you gave it a bit of a nudge. Normally we record midweek. Last episode we did a Friday record. I think I underestimated how dangerous it would be on a Friday. And also because you like we finished the record and then you kind of like jobs done, not to bring it back up ash unemployed. Yeah, we went to the pub afterwards. I don't really drink pints.

I was just smashing pints. It was one of my favorite things to do.

You made me feel pathetic.

You are pathetic, but I remind you of that.

You would drink. You would drink a pint in like the same time I drink like a schooner and a half, and you were just.

There like my pine is like a scoon and a half.

Oh, actually, that does make sense.

I was slowing down for you pretty much, so I would finish a pint when you were like nearly finishing the scooter, like come on, yeah, and you just read ready to rock and roll man, And like I got home with God knows what.

Did you get in trouble? You know you didn't get in trouble.

No, not really, because that's the thing I got home. And then the thing that I do is that doesn't get me in trouble is as soon as one of the kids makes a peep. But like five five point thirty form I'm up, How I'm a fucking machine?

How does that happen? Are you not? Does it take a moment of you going I can do this?

A wise man once told me that I used to work with Just get up and get it done, That's what he was like. He was like, very much like that. And he told me that before I had kids, and he had three kids, and I remember I was like, how do you do it? Like you are to me, how do you do it? And he's like, look, it's only temporary, just get up, get it done.

And I I'm not that strong.

Look there has been days where I've been like I can't do it. Like, don't get me wrong, okay, but if I want to live this sort of lifestyle where Pep was like, you drink too much, but you know what you got up? Let me go to the gym and you had the kids for like an hour and a half, all on your own here and with a belting headache. You got to give us something back.

Yes, Yeah, it can't just be like yeah, being a sack of shit on the couch.

Look, I've aged because of it. I know that.

Don't be so hard on yourself.

No, no, no, that's the truth.

It is crazy. And then we could do with a botox sponsor.

I'm more natural, but you need it, you know. So yeah, it look big night.

But I hate when people are like, you just got to tell yourself to get it done, because.

Because I'm not, I'm not. I'm usually that chipper, did you know me? I'm not like that. I'm usually like if someone said that to me, I'd be like, oh, shut the voc up. But in this instance, you have to. Otherwise it's just a fight or she'll got anything that I say or anything I do. If I go oh yawn, even she's like, because you hung over, it's not worth the conversation. So I just avoid the fight. It was a big night.

It was also I don't know if you you heard back the episode from last week.

I haven't listened yet.

No, it's it's very sweary.

Oh is that what you were talking about? It is?

It is chock full of swear words from the get go. And I blame you as well, because you started swearing as a Friday will relaxed and every second word you know, I was listening. We got a little bit of it out, but it was like the swear words were just so like thoroughly blended through all the sentences that it would have been impossible to cut it out. Well, and you hear the word fuck, and in my head, I'm thinking,

Classic it happens. Honestly, I never really think about it that I'm swearing too much. It's just how I talk. If you don't like it, fuck off.

And your listeners welcome and.

Listen you no no, no, no no no yeah.

You're like I feel like you are. You're the bad cop on the good copy. I welcome my listeners with open arms, and I'm like.

Please, I'm just giving them ship.

Let me get some crackers, makes it comfortable, and gett a drink and ashes.

Like swearing like a sailor.

No shirt, your fucking loser.

I shouldn't be so judgy anyway.

How do you go with your friends?

It's just like that they're the same.

Have you had to like bump out any friends or like cut down your friend time with other people because obviously there's a new person in the mix.

He's got two thongs and in the middle of this guy, is anyone any got the chop?

No?

No, no, Because like we do things in business hours, mainly.

Oh, we saw each other on a Saturday.

Yeah you saw me? Yeah we did. I did see you on the Saturday, and I made it a point on the Sunday not to call you. So I've seen too much of this guy?

Okay, yeah, I did notice you were playing hard to get. I was just like, but on the Sunday, I was going a slow death.

You're not gonna talk about your running again.

What's you go to? Hang on a second? You talk about your fucking running in Tokyo? And I sat there with a big, beady smile. I was into every word because and I was I was like, what else did you do?

Ash?

And then I'm like, hey, I went for a run on the weekend, And You're like, oh, wouldn't you just shut up.

Unless you run with both kids strapped to you? No one listening wants to hear it.

I'm not bragg get it out, get it over with.

Let's go.

Can you just pretend to be excited for okay, around a half marathon? Obviously the one because off the calf it was going to be a long run. You just went for it, and I just I thought, fuck it, that's just that's strange. I ran with my brother in law, the one who I did the race with.

Who just walk in the park for the ultra athlete.

Yeah, so he was like, let's do a half marathon and I was like, half marathon whatever, I'm not even scared. I was nervous.

You did a good time, too, so that makes it even I gave it.

Yeah, I was dying from the third kilometer in. I was like, in a lot of pain.

Because you did eleven the day before.

Yeah, twelve, thank you very much. And halfway through I was like, I really want to stop, and he was like keep going, and I don't want to be weak in front of the brother in law, so I kept on.

You can't do it. Yeah. I got to be at the strongest you could possibly be in front of that alpha male.

But it was painful. The last thirty minutes. Every step my feet hurt.

The hammies were like, do your feet go like pins and needles?

Yeah?

How do you get rid of that? Just like, I just kept going Is it just me being a fat fuck?

Or yeah? Yeah? Your feet like hell?

And I stopped stepping on us.

But we finished and I didn't feel too bad. Afterwards, went for a quick jump in the water at Bondi Beach, got home. I got home, I stupidly forgot to tell Laura that I was doing a really long run.

So I got in trouble for doing the long run. How do you get that phone call?

Yeah? Afterwards, I left my phone in the car around with the garments, so you can't. You don't get any.

That's not a plug, is it?

No?

No, you've got a garment sponsor. I'm actually wearing a garment.

So I got home. I had like miss calls because I was going for fucking ages. And then I just started feeling like shit, really weird and queazy, and I started getting these hot flushesopause.

And I was going through menopause.

It's just weird because I'm a thirty five year.

Old man and you look every year.

But I was getting you know, when you get really sensitive to hot and cold and so I was like shivering, and then all of a sudden, I was like so hot that I was taking layers off. And then I was like, I think I've got to go light down.

You just wanted to get your kid out again.

There's a few occasions where you can go to your partner and you say, I got to throw on the towel. I've gotta lay down. I can't do this anymore. Yeah, it was a shame to waste it on that Sunday, because like, if you want to do that, you're to do it. I'm like, you know, a good night out. You don't want to do that off the back of just a long run. Like what a waste?

Yeah, yeah, you want to do it off the back of a big night. But I had some fun.

Yeah, just run for an hour and forty minutes. But I couldn't do it. I had to lay down. I slept two hours.

WHOA, I was in bed from.

About two o'clock till eight o'clock. Laura went to her sister's house with the in laws, and that was in the diary.

I did see some footage of that. I thought you were going out, That's why no I did.

I was in bed. I was asleep and I never sleep during the day. Yeah, And Laura came home and she was calling me as well because she was like, I wanted to help with the kids. Laura got home just you know, just on bedtime. Couldn't even help it with the kids, getting them out of the car, couldn't get out, oh my, getting them back into bed.

I was like, old man, I thought I had COVID.

I did a COVID test.

We did a COVID test too.

I was like, it's got to be COVID. It's got to be COVID. Nah, I'm just weak and pathetic. What flattened me? Just running? Running?

And did you get carved up?

Well, you know, I had like a small bowl of cereal, but like it was only.

Yeah, we're running out of steam, mate, I am you are. Kids are running your ragged Let's play the kids. Don't blame the running, just all the activities with the children in between the running. So you bitched out on bath in bedtime? Yeah, yeah, I think she owes your couple.

No, she's forgotten.

She's forgotten about forgotten the whole dancing with the start.

Literally it's now we're raised from my memory the fact that I've had the kids pretty much solid.

That was like eight weeks of like solid. It was eight weeks, wasn't it.

I swear it was eight weeks. When I tell Laura, she's like, it was three weeks.

Three days, mate, I am your witness. That was a long time. It was because I do you know why? I know it was so long because I was like I would hate that. Every week I was like, I hate that, and it was that long that I, okay, I would hate that.

So I've gone through eight weeks of solo parenting. I had one afternoon where I couldn't get out of bed.

Yeah yeah, yeah, yeah. You even had to leave the pub the other night because she wants to go out to dinner. So made it's over. Yeah, what a waste, What a fucking fun Sunday? But do you know what I did on Sunday?

Where were you?

Well, it's Oscar's birthday week, but he's not having any parties. Just tell him that he's having like family parties. But my parents were here. We went down to a park and there was something I wanted to show you that my mum had given Oscar for his birthday. So I just quickly get it please, it's just here. It's just a book. Have you ever heard of superworm before?

Never heard?

So superworm? Is this super superworm is like it's a it's a book that's been turned into like a short movie on ABC, but this book still exists.

See about a worm?

Yeah, that's super strong. I can't really remember the internet. But the reason I wanted to show this book because April brought it to my attention and she was like.

Does a worm look like a cock?

Look at that?

Wow, that is a full blown glory hole.

That's a literally that's the other end of a gloryhole would look like look at it.

That's but so every page that is it's you know what it is for me? It's the skin tone.

Of the worm, like it make it more wormy, not like gray. It's very penisy like that's what the worm's supposed to look. Ribbed worm looks, But that just looks like a cock puppet. It's a perfect song that is for you. But what about that? So mumsy?

That is a full blown penis? Did oscar like it?

Uh? Well, look look it's a book on your birthday and you've got a remote control card. You tell me if you fucking liked it.

Okay for anyone obviously.

Super long super worm, but they call me.

People are they're taking the piss here? Dude, they knew what they were doing. Oh yeah, this is not an accident.

Why would you like, of all the puppet books, you have to pick a penis shape looking puppet.

For anyone right now who's probably wondering what this book is. They might even have this book they're not familiar with Superworm. It's the book with a hole cut in the middle, gloryhole, a glory whole, and it's got like a little like a puppet penis. Yeah that you put your finger through the whole, and so it's you can like, which is a cute idea, you can like be the worm as you tell the story. But it just looks like a cock, looks like a penis.

I know I could also be the worm without that anyway. So that's my Sunday. So I spent the rest of Sunday after and going that looks like a penis? Why is there another man's penis in my house?

And is like, Daddy, tell us the story.

Tell us again, that's what I wanted to show you.

Hey, will you make it to Marley's birthday. Sorry, do you think you make it to Marley twenty fourth?

Oh? Yes, well, it just depends. What depends if my kids are sick or not, or I pretend that this Actually I wanted to ask you about I wanted to Actually, I didn't want to say. I wanted to tell you something that I've I've wanted to admit something. Okay, but first I want to start it off.

Is stumbling a bit here?

What is it I want? I want to start it off by saying one of the best things about being a parent is using your kids to get out of things.

Oh yeah, it's the dream.

A couple of things I really like about having kids. Wipes we've been over. You love a wipe, take them everywhere. It's the best thing that's ever happened to me, other than the kids and using them to get out of things. And now I don't have a job, I can't use them to get out of going to the office because working from home is so much better. I was like, oh, kids, six, I've got to help out around home. Used it a me in times. They caught on that's what I have

If it's a thirtieth, sure, fortieth maybe, yeah, fiftieth, I'm thinking about it.

Fiftieth I'm not gone. So anyway, I do want to admit something to you. How have you.

Managed to maintain any kind of friendship in this world?

Ash, I'm a lovable guy.

Are you though people going.

To or do you reckon?

It's just because you're so elusive that people just want you more.

Yeah, that's that's what I'm going Yeah, tree to me and keep keenly. So there's something I want to admit and admit that I did to me. No, no, no, I used So Mother's Day this year. So my grandmother's eighty six. Okay, she lives in where sitn here. It's so far for me to drive, and everyone was going there for Mother's Day to see my eighty six year old grandmother who I love dearly. Okay, don't take this the wrong way.

Obviously, you guys have you've been brought up in the same state as your grandmother most of your most of it because some people.

Like for me, I don't make this about you, No.

I just I didn't. Really, I didn't really have much contact with.

My Australian idol subside.

Have nothing more than a relationship with my grandmother. And it was only the fact that she lived halfway across the world in the UK. We were separated by oceans. You know, you're like, what, you had two toll roads to get through and you couldn't do it.

Sorry, not on this occasion. Sorry, you don't know that. I haven't got to the climax of the story yet.

What was her eighty six? What was her name?

Her name's olive?

Oh beautiful name? What lovely?

Not making me feel bad? Okay, So anyway, it was Mother's Day. Everyone was going out there for Mother's Day lunch. I was being home over that is is such a So what I did do is I pulled my kids sick card and we can't go. So on Mother's Day, I didn't go to the Mother's Day lunch for my grandmother. And no one knows that And now everybody knows that.

Who did you text Olive?

Or did you text text Olive? Yeah?

Okay? Did she write back?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, she's so lovely. That's okay. She didn't She actually texting capitals all the time, so she yelled at me.

Essentially, did you go into too much detail about the illness.

Or didn't know? I never I feel like you.

Say that because fever's always an easy one. Say go to fever.

Too many details means you're lying. And look, I always use my kids to get out of things I don't want to go to. This is not that I didn't want to go. I physically couldn't go.

I could, how hung because as he said, you just get up and you just do it.

I just think it was I couldn't drive. It would have been legal for me to drive.

If you got pulled over, you would have.

Been yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah yeah. And I look, I've just said to April, I've said, hey, hang on, what do you think about this? And she was like, yeah, let's do it.

Because I'm going to assume that maybe April's not super close with Olive, perhaps.

She's very close with Olive. Her and Nan, I'm really sorry about this.

I thought for a second, I'm not gonna lie. I thought you're going to tell me that Olive is no longer around. No, she is, okay, thank you.

She was there on Sunday, Thank heavens she came. Oh my god, it makes even worse that she's eighty six and she came all the way over here on Sunday to see.

You are You're a bad person. You are a bad.

Feel a lot better, though.

Did you feel a little bit guilty, because sometimes when you have a hangover in.

The morning, I felt horrible about it.

I bet you didn't.

Bet I said, she's not my mum.

Did you get like a follow up?

Do you know what the worst thing is? With my parents who don't live in this state went and I didn't know my sister's going to hear this, and fucking that's it.

When we talk about not giving any type of advice.

Don't take Yeah, look, use your kids to get out of all sorts of things. Okay, use them definitely.

But for family member, maybe I have long to go. Heaven forbid.

She's very sprightly for age.

She's eighty six.

Mate. Yeah, she loves to get up on the ladder too. She lives alone.

Why once you hit eighty the ladders are no more. Noah, take the ladders away from her.

Anyway, car keys and ladders.

No time for it.

But like when, like, does anything come to mind for you that you've used your kids to get out of? And actually, I want to put this out I want to put this out there, Okay, And I'm going to put it on my Instagram. At some point it might already have been on this I'm not going to promise to do it after this episode. I might have already asked you it when and what have you used your kids to get out of? You know, social Oh yeah.

I think especially when they were in like the first twelve months of their lives. Like having like a newborn is just like that is the ultimate get out of jail.

Oh yeah, just like oh cough, yeah, I can't go about so sorry, I can't come.

It really is a nightmare trying to put the kids in the car, and like especially with the newborn, because you need so much stuff, Like you can't just get ready in fifteen minutes. You've got to like pack as if you're going away for a weekend because you've got small treets, you've got just fair clothes. Fuck you just got everything. Yeah, and anyone who I think if you have to drive somewhere that's longer than like I'm going to say the max is thirty minutes. Anything above thirty minutes.

They're frustrated. Back there can't be fucked, I know. And it's like, look, it's just part of the gift of being a parent that the child has actually given you is the ability to use them to get out of anything that you like totally obviously not without completely without the guilt.

And there's always those someone used it to get out of my engagement party, like mine engagement party, and then the wedding they.

Did they did the double So first of all.

You can't be angry.

Were you impressed at the time, I was like I don't give a ship. Yeah, right, because it's like whatever. So the first one was like, okay, it's an engagement party. It wasn't kid friendly. It was literally on a main road with no with no with no gates, nothing, and they were like, why can't we bring our kids. It's like, okay, bring it, bring them and see what happens. They're like, oh, okay, that's fine. But then on the day so the waisted an umber there. They were like, oh, they're sick, and

I think as a parent, though, there is definitely the thought anytime, anytime someone's like because I think Lola's birthday, she was too recently and one of Laura's friends did the old so and so is not feeling too well, and I was like, that's.

Bullshit, cop out, it's a cop out, but play on, play on six again. But then these same couple did it the day before the wedding, which which is fun because I paid one hundred and something dollars ahead for this person.

Where did you get married?

About moral?

Okay, so get a fucking babysitter.

Oh fully, they just didn't. There were those parents that couldn't leave their kids. That's what we worked out, not to judge you. Yeah quickly, let's judge them. Let's see. Yeah, a judge for you want.

To night away from your kids?

For sure, you go on a wedding, it's free, but I'm paying for you. I'm essentially paying for you. To have a night out, and you stiffed me the day before, so like, there's no.

Did you say, like send me a photo? You better be in hospital?

Yeah, that kid better be on his deathbed. I'm telling you right now that I wish that upon him. I want evidence.

Are you still friends with him?

I believe it or not. It was some type of family I was a family member. I'm not getting into it because I don't know if they do hear this, and that's gonna.

Be We're gonna first of all, you're gonna have to.

Spark it back up again. I've already got nan News.

Is going to become an archer after this episode.

She won't listen. She doesn't know what podcast is. I tried to explain it to you yesterday or Sunday, No idea, What do you mean you mean radio? You know Alan Jones is similar less racist. I would say, I've always told you I hate everybody equally.

Surprised you didn't notice anything about the car when I arrived, nothing at all, Nothing at all?

What am I supposed to notice about?

Mate? She was looking pretty clean.

You're actually not known for having clean things.

So exactly, and for the first half just it's.

Obviously not to my standards.

The car was washed, and I've waited for this moment for a very long time. Is when I got simple things, when I can put my children to work.

And no, yes, yes, that's weather pad.

I have this problem.

You've crossed over. It's a child labor. Yeah, I love it.

I have a problem where I'm kind of nap trapped in the afternoons because like, up until twelve o'clock, I'm like, fucking great, can do anything, go to the park, go for a walk, like you know with the kids, can do anything. But then I got to get home. For twelve twelve thirty years, Lulla needs that nap. And then the issue is I can't go anywhere because Lola is going to sleep for an hour and a half and Marley's like, mate, what are we going to do?

iPad?

And I give it the iPad just for a little bit.

And it's okay. Those of you who are listening thing, I can't believe you give your kid an iPad. It's like shit, it's just twenty twenty three. It's actually some people will go on a fucking Mars soon.

It's actually really impressive the apps that you can get. Now you can get like drawing.

You're going to get an Apple Vision. That's the next when they bring out the child version of Apple Vision.

If it keeps her quiet for half an hour, I'll do it absolutely. But she loves it. Except now the issue is ash she's just becoming really obsessed with the iPad like all the time. Yeah, she's just like fucking like, yeah, she's like scratched. Where is it? Laura comes home and she's even Laura's been like Laura tries to catch me out. She comes home and she's like, how long we're on the iPad? Four? It's like three hours? And I'm like, it's not true.

Why you're gonna believe a four year old over me? Yeah?

Except yeah, I now I need to get her off the iPad. And I'm like, what can I? What can I do? Like put activity and your labor for a bit get She likes a drawing and then she gets bored of it, So I thought, yeah, what can I She's really into it, Like she's kind of Mala's now understanding the concept of money, because I guess like for kids now, like they don't really see money that often, like like we did, you know, not to sound like I'm really old, but you know parent, we would see our parents.

Yeah, yeah, cash was king, like now it's I'm paying my phone. Yeah, they're like, it's like through. He's a good example. If you went down to a KMA or a toy shop to buy a cash register. Yes, guarantee you there's no cash in it. I guarantee you it's got Yeah.

Isn't it fucking wild?

It's wild, man, It's the world's wild place. But that defines it.

We're getting deep from this. But so Marley's really like into money. She's into coins. Got a little jar that she's keeping, like a little money jar. And I said to her, like, do you wanna do you want to have some coins? And it's also great because she likes the big coins like.

Yeah, bigger the coin, the less it's worth. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

I had no idea. So I got the soap ready, I got the bucket, and I was like, there you go, get to it. Son did a pretty average job, to be fair.

Well, she is four, not yet four, not quite four, but like what do you expect?

She loved it?

So did you not help?

No?

How did you do the roofs up on the ladder. Get up on this extended ladder there, sweetheart on top, don't scratch it.

I was there like giving her a hand, and I went inside just to get my phone, and like I got distracted for a second. Classic somehow the gate had closed as well.

Like so she's locked out there, Oh my god.

They ever had driven past, and then it was just seeing Marley there like by herself. For the record. It was for like a minute or two.

Yeah, yeah, that was it.

And they rang the doorbell and like age checking out.

They rang the door. Can you do mine next?

I'll bring around it comes home and exhausted. She's got blisters from washing all the.

Time, drink of water in hours out there in the sun.

But yeah, if you need your car done, let me know.

I'll bring I do need two cars done. Thank you. That's great. I love how you've crossed over into child labor because that's every parent's stream where it's like they can help out for minimum wage. How much did the young girl earn that day?

Fifty cents.

That's outstanding money. If there's any children listening, that's great money because you could go to India and get maybe the quarter of that.

It would be a lot worse.

I haven't quite crossed over yet. I mean, what have I got oscar to do? Like I can get the remote on the other side.

And even that, even that is like a beautiful moment when you can still.

Win because I've been trying to train the dog to do it for nine years. That's at the other end of the house, at the couch, and I'm like, get the remote and he'll get distracted in that tiny.

Oh is it so disappointing when you're like, good boy, almost there, He like picks it up and then you can see just get like a noise will happen, or like something will get his attention away and he starts and he puts the remote yea further away from where it was.

What did he do this morning? I was like, can you grab the remote? Aus of make he was like right up against me. I was like, can you grab the remote? And he like grabbed it and went to the kitchen to get like a snack or something. Came back with a snack and not the remote, and I was like, this is why you're not getting paid this week. Tell me loud, tell me live.

A gosh. Lies last week, Yes, we had a few lies I told the lie of Marley not being able to pick a nose because it did stretched nostrils and a brain will fall out. Didn't go down too well.

Nope, and she started.

Picking a nose again, which was really, really fucking annoying.

Oh I actually saw her do it.

Yeah, you saw it.

I pointed it out.

I was like, she's just like, shut up. I'm in a good place right now.

Like I'm digging for gold.

But we asked, we asked the good listeners of this country to submit their lies, and each week I thought we should pick up the best ones. I've picked my best two. This week, I'm going to start us off.

I've also picked two just so you know whether you're expecting that or not, because last week I was very.

Okay. Line number one. This parent here says that anytime their kid wants to eat something that they're munching on, they just say it's really spicy and you won't like it.

Love that. That's a classic. I always do it with like like soft drink or something, and I'll be like spicy April, Like if we go to KFC or whatever, April gets a sun kissed. That's what she likes. He knows it's like the orange spicy drinks, I already knows it. Or if I get coke, he's like, that's the black spicy drink. It's a great one.

Spiciness is like kryptonite for kids. I mean, I'm wondering, like, are there any kids out there who can handle spice from.

A young age?

If so, fuck those parents. I gotta feel.

Because if I get like I'm going to mention caves a getting it. If I get like wicked wings and like I have by spicy, can give you one. But now all chicken that I have is spicy.

Even sometimes like chocolate biscuit, which is Miley's bikes, and she's like chocolate chip cooking. I'm like, oh, it's a spicy spice one spices on them. You wouldn't like it. You can transmit you one, and she's like, no.

You wouldn't like it. My first one is the classic I need to poop. So look, whether you want to lie to your kids or your wife on this one.

Works for both parties.

It works for both parties because like if I smell Masie and she's like she has done ship, I'm just gonna I need to do purpose. I need to do purpose, but like if I come outside and ride the bike with me and I just couldn't be asked. I'm like purpose, and it's weird.

It's the one line that they understand.

Yeah, because they know how much it's traumatizing. Yes, yeah, they think it's as traumatizing for us thirty years la.

I can say to the kids, can I just have one minute? Please, doesn't matter I'm working or Daddy needs to just do something really quickly. Doesn't mean shit to them. They don't care if I say, hey, guys, I'll be back in a second. I just need to go do poos. They're like, oh, please, don't let me hold you.

Up as you were young man. Yeah, yeah, that's a great one.

My second lie, Ash, this is a lie that a lot of people submitted. I had it more than one time. I had it like seven times. I've never heard of it being done before. It was never told to me when I was a child, But I don't know if you've heard of it. These parents are saying that they tell their kids that if they lie to them, if they if the kid lies to the parent, on the child's forehead, a red dot will appear so the parents will know that they're lying?

What, like why I read like I don't.

Because I don't know. I don't know, But like.

If someone could just explain what that means?

Why I read dot.

Tell my kid, if you lie me, someone's gonna be a picture of a dick on it. Yeah, yeah, that could be anything.

That be that to be more fearful. But and I guess that the kids don't lie because I mean, kids are very I feel like, as a parent, surely you can tell when your child's lying.

Unless your child, Yeah, because I always ask are you lying? They they're not that smart.

But you just like you just you don't say anything, just look at them, and then they like they're like they can't handle the interrogation.

It's like Oscar was telling me some kid hit him a kindy. I'm like you sure, It's like, nah, idiot. My final lie is another classic, Everything is broke.

Ah. Now can I just say yeap bravo?

That is the top shelf li It is a top shelf fly. I used this one a lot. So one prime example that I used is we're up at the pub up here that has like a playground. Of course, why would I go to the pub? It didn't have a playground. Anyway, I took oscre up there and there's those claw machines, and I knew that he was kind of obsess over it because we've been there before. But on the way in there was an area of the pump that had a sign up that said this is

I thought you're going to tell me that it was one of those like little rides like either.

Like the I always say that broken two yeah.

Everything for everything, whether it's.

Like the playground, Yeah yeah, yeah, that's another good one when like I, we'll save other lies for other.

Episodes, even even like YouTube YouTube, YouTube's broken broken. Everything's broken, Like I'll go to bed.

I don't want to go to bed. Oh YouTube's gonna break. It's Oh look, you've broken it. Yeah, I think like it's a really easy one to trick. It's not a lie, it's a trick. I would say.

I feel like trick and lying is very similar ash for some well some tomato tomato.

Yeah, look, I will tell you're right. I'm not going to argue on that point. But that's the lies for this week. So keep coming in because we've got We've got a lot more to come through.

If ever there was going to be some advice pauled from an episode, it would be this segment, right.

How to lie to your kids better. We're teaching you how to lie to your kids all your future kids better.

You're welcomes. Before we go, we have one little segment. This is where we answer some of the questions from our listeners. We only have time for two, which is such a shame because there are so many people out there who really need a lot of help. For some unknown reason, they turn to us. It's baffling to answer these parenting.

Questions and some like I've seen questions and look, if I haven't got back to your DM or on the Instagram, there's two reasons for that. One I'm lazy and two your message is too long.

Yeah, you have been quite good though.

That tightened that shit up, and I'll come back to you.

Have you had any interesting messages coming through so far that may not be questions? Anything I don't recall has sparked your interest.

Not a very good reader.

I reckon, you've just gotten April on that job. I feel like there's.

No ways you would want to that. I go back. I do go back. There's nothing that just like spring to mind. There are some good ones I get, and I usually would respond with you know something you know, saying thank you for the funny story or whatever, But some of them are just too long.

Guys, these are people who are pouring their heart out. They're like, I've tried everything.

You leave me a two page message. It's unread. Delete.

I love how people write a message in the DM. And they started off by saying like, ah, sorry, Ash, I know you hate us, but I just want to say something quickly.

I know I know you hate dms. It's like, oh, please carry one.

Okay. We've got two questions. The first one is how do you get your toddler to sleep through the night. I feel like we've had a question that's similar to this about sleep routines. I don't there's no trick. There is no trick. I feel like it everyone's got.

Well, look that's wrong, you're wrong. Do you reckon that everyone's got their own trick? Because every every kids different without you even knowing it, you would have your tricks like that you put into play so that you know that your daughters are going to go to sleep or you know it helps them be comfortable to go to sleep, and subconsciously.

I feel like it's just routine. Like kids are fiends for routine.

Yeah, definitely, but like sometimes it's just not what trick have you got?

What do you what do you got in your little bag? There?

Well around Mary Poppin's bag down, it's cold. No, look it's not. It's not a trick. But like like I said, like there would be little things that you do that you don't really just a part of just say you don't have a routine. Sometimes I could not having a routine could be a routine. Didn't that blow your mind?

Wait a second, wash it down with a bit of better beer, spitting truth, Yeah, I think like getting them to say it's different every night, right, yeah, routine, like we.

Have a routine, like bath, then after the bath, what you can and can't do before you go, Yeah, you don't want to get to Yeah, but sometimes some nights it's just like just to get them to sleep. They might need to just sleep with you that night.

Do you know what I used to do that? I look back and I think, when you're a toddler, I kin't of remember what I did last week, let alone when I was a toddler, But when Marley was a newborn, actually all the way up until like after Lola was born, this is like the first couple of years of her life. I used to look. Laura and I both did this. We used to rock Marley to sleep in our arms, yeah, and then put it down, and then she would fall asleep in her arms and we would place her in

As soon as you move your arm under their head, and their.

Head goes, where are you going, motherfucker?

Yeah? Yeah, fully, it's a nightmare.

And now with Lola, we just put it down, dummy, bottle, shut the or.

Let her do a thing.

Wow.

Self, cettled. That's great.

Have you ever done what are the gummies called melatonin?

Yes, thankfully we did, Like we did a lot of sleep training, and we've spoken about this when I said, don't do it too early because it's a waste of time, and it is.

But I think, like Burt was short, sharp, magical, I really want let's just keep it.

Was part of the conversations keep sorry doing it. I think, like you said, routine is key because kids of that age two, three four do love routine. So like we thankfully we haven't had to use the melatonin.

Because have you ever you ever tried it once?

No, so this is the first time you tried it.

We did it the other night. Why, we were at someone's house and they were giving it to their kids and we were like, what do you got there?

Just group them in together? What have you got there? Heroin? Just group them together.

I'll be fine. And they had some and.

They're still asleep three days later. I haven't heard from.

Him on the car ride home, and to be fair, it was late anyway.

So like it could have just been the lateness of Yeah, but when the children to be away.

Lola was in the back seat, you know, when you like look in the rearview mirror and you can kind of see them like she's like, I'm tired.

Yeah, yeah, and they stare off and yeah, just like I remember when I fell asleep, and like he'd fallen asleep when we must have been going down a hill. Seat belt was just keeping falling.

It was that poor neck.

Yeah, it was completely perfect. But he must have fallen asleep when we're going downhill because he was falling forward. But yeah, look, there's no secret. Every kid's going to be different. Don't put too much pressure in itself is one thing I would.

Say, What the fuck did you just say?

I'm full of good advice, Like, I just don't use it.

Just as the episodes about to wrap up and comes out with like a nice care and considerate line prime for that, he's like, ye're fucking nothing. Yeah, and then you're like a better turn it around.

Look, you just don't know what you're going to get with me, But do you think don't put too much pressure on yourself. That's nicest thing I've ever said.

I feel weird about I feel sick.

Oh yeah, okay, so Matt, My question to you from the listeners, of course, tips for leaving the house with two kids solo.

Shit, it's a nightmare.

It's painful. It is, especially on your own trying to like I think, put the most aggressive one in and strap them down first. Yes, that's step one, because like you've got what usually one? If they're both crazy, we've got nothing for you.

It's always hard, Like I mean, I can't think of any situation where both kids are being like, do you know what?

I'm just going to get in the car.

You look like you're a bit tired. I'll play ball.

Yeah, I mean I.

Always, I always forget everything, so I have we talk about baby wipes such a critical critical component of parenting.

You always forget them.

So I always keep some in the car. I have someone like bags, I have some in the kitchen. They're like everywhere, So any situation, I'm always like within arm's reach of baby wipes. But then also I'm fortunate and that normally whenever I'm out of the house, I'm meeting up with a parent.

Who's got their accurate supplies.

Yea, yeah, so like for example, my sister, Oh they'll have it.

Yeah, So then I run.

For example, Monday, just gone, I rocked up. I didn't have any snacks. I had nothing. I had one water bottle that the kids would share. That's all I had, and baby wipes. I was like, this is enough. Yeah, And then my sister's there would like cut up fruit like snacks, dried fruit as well, just like smallest board of food.

And so we were like, okay, I'll have some four.

Kids have like barely even had break. Go towards your auntie daddy.

We're hungry.

Her kids, They're like, where's our food? Mum might just stuff in their face. So find another parent who's far more organized and just always meet up with them.

They got the great advice. Actually, that's great advice. Look for me, I would say, yep, strapping in the wildest one first to whatever it is that you're strapping them to pram body car, three things, I don't know what else you strapped them to bus, and then once you've got the craziest one in the car, then pack the bag the things you need.

I was gonna ask, so do you because I sometimes do this? Will you put the kids in the car, lock them down first, and then pack the car second?

Oh yeah, yeah, leaving in the garage, garage, shupe the doors are open and they've got something they're playing with. I'm going back and forth. Load in the car up anyway. I think that's fair play. It was in the boiling cots, and I wouldn't do that.

Obviously, we're not going to do that. Yeah.

Sometimes what I'll do is like, like Macy be asleep, and I'll get everything in Oscar organized for when she's going to wake up, so I can go Oscar in the car. I'll go get Macy come down. Before Macy come to she's in the car and with left and.

She's like, oh.

Are we We're on the freeway. I think your advice is really good because yesterday we went to a friend's house and I was a day and I was like, I wasn't solo, but it was my idea to go to my friend's house, believe it or not. Strange and I was like, oh, they have snacks up there. They wi, yeah, that they've bought with their hard earned money. I don't want to waste my my stuff that I bought with my money. Did they Oh yeah, yeah, great, oscar straight

Surround yourself with other parents who are far better than you.

Yeah, I know. And it's like if it was like going out or something and I've got both kids and all my friends are busy. I'm like, what are some of your good mother friends doing?

Them?

Over there? Just be like, yeah, I really like you this.

What's the occasion? April's out? We're moving sadly, ash, that is all we have time for.

I go so fast?

Oh doesn't it just when you're having fun? Drink drinking a beer?

Unemployed?

Can I just say, April are so quiet upstairs?

She's very hard work. She's sleeping well as I am here a time?

What are you doing up there?

She so fast? Can't hear as I am unemployed? She's up there making the bacon. Don't you dare get up there and disturb it?

Before I went to the bathroom and I was like hey, April, she was.

Like, fuck.

Can I ask before we go? Does that mean that given your unemployment status, so you're doing far more work with the kids. How is that how it's going to work in this household? What's going to happen?

Absolutely not. It's all about me, not about them. No, look I'm gonna I'm going to take a leaf out of your book and have them on the Thursday, save a day on KINDI there.

What we do on Thursdays.

I'm just going to lock them in a room and get on with That's usually what dads do. I'll probably spend most of the down on the toilet. Let's be honest. Well, we can't both meet each other because neither although if two of us get together, we might have all the supplies we need.

We'll be rocking up and I'm like, do you have any Like, no, I don't have anything. Kids will be like dressed one shoe on. People will be looking at us, like, what are those two fools?

They're doting?

Luckily for dads, the bar is so unfair.

It's so good. You just got to be there.

Yeah, literally be there, physically.

Be in the room, and it's like, everyone, look at how good this dad is. Mum's really got to put up the hard yards to be judged, which sucks. On that note, let's end, we will get out.

Of here before we go there. If you do enjoy this episode, or any episode of Two Doting.

Dads or all.

One, we would love it if you gave us a review. Actually, our actually actually, I would actually love to know in the review if you tell us what your favorite episode was. To be fair, most of them involved like body and swearing.

As Matt has kindly pointed out my language.

I feel like we didn't swear as much in this episode. It will reach.

There you go and get the numbers up.

Also give us a followers well on Apple Podcasts, so then each week it'll be inserted directly into your podcast in box, every single week into your box. Yeah that was quiet. Sorry, it's been a while for me. And then also gives a follow at Two Dating Dads on Instagram as well. And that is it.

That is us. Thank you as all.

We will see you next week on a Wednesday. But Two Doting Dads podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and the connections to land, sea and community.

We pay our respects to their elders past and present and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torrestrate Islander peoples today. This episode was recorded on gadagal Land