#69 No More Piggy-Backing Birthdays!

Have I ever told you about my mate? I got to take my bush turkey? Please continue.

I don't know why he went after a bush turkey, but he did, and it tore him to shreds.

Yeah you're overpowered by a bush turkey. Yeah, it turned on him and just pecked the shit out of him. He added up in hospital and everything. Just boot it and think you try it?

Is he scared of bush turkeys? Now I don't know.

I'm not friends with him after that.

Welcome back to two notting dads. I am Mattie Jay and I am This is a podcast all about parenting. It is the good, it is.

The bad and the relatable.

And if you have come wanting any type of advice, stop right now, press pause, stop. Thank you very much. I need some but I need some buddy with a human touch. Cracking song spice girls. Yeah, absolutely nothing wrong with him, but I have to apologize just quickly. You've come into a construction site.

I noticed I jumped the neighbors fence to get in.

There's a lot of a lot of men here, a lot of men. I'll explain why they are all here. Why. Yeah, let's have a drink first.

Yes, and today is something very different, something both of us haven't had before from Stone and Wood. So it's called the Northern Rivers be or NRB.

This is a cute little can.

It is cute. Yeah, I haven't had this one before either, so will quickly crack this, have a little taste and just let everyone know why it's so special.

So this is it's a limited limited in location as well, so you can actually only get this in bottle shops between Tweed and Yamber or online or online. I feel that were one of the only people right now in Sydney drinking.

Oh, that's delightful, multi.

Ooh, here's a hint of malt there.

It's multier than the other beers that they have. There's a little floral do.

You say, there's a subtle malt flavor, low bitterness. But but that is bloody delish.

And it's apparently the greenest beer not in color the environment.

Saint Patrick's Day. No, that do you mean?

Ash seventy percent certified sustainable molt and one hundred cent certified sustainable hops.

Now, I don't wonder what you're thinking. What do you mean by certified sustainable? All it means really is they use less energy overall when brewing this beer. It's also brewed in carbon neutral berries, making it the greenest beer.

Oh, you mean like they're using less water. Yes, Matt.

Anything that uses less energy and is better for the environment. That is what this beer is all about. Cheers to that is to that And good news for the listeners, Matt is we are giving away a case of this NRB this week.

All you have to do is what you have to post a story of you listening to the podcast at two doting dads tag Us tag Stone and would follow both accounts, and we'll pick someone each week to have this case of NIB sent directly to your front door.

It will be missing a couple because we thank you Stony Wood.

For making this episode possible. How are you, Matt, it's been it's been stressful. Have you recovered from you're sick?

Oh? I am?

I am. I'm holding on to the end my life cycle ash of a flu. I would say it almost always starts with the tingle, a sore throat. That sore throat turns flemy. I have phlegm for four days and then I come good. You're very routined, man. I find I am like every single time, I'm like, come on, sore throat, just and and I'm in the Flemy stage.

It's such a relief when you're in the Flemy stone age, and like the feeling of getting a good bit of phlem.

Oh mate. This morning, I coughed up some phlegm and I spat it out and it was like it had it had the flem had veins in, it had like red. It was like it was part of a brain.

There's any doctors listening, what's happening.

I'm just coughing up part of my lung. But I felt great. I felt better afterwards. But in addition to being a little bit sick at the moment, we do have a number of tradesmen currently at my house, and you may recall that they will probably start drilling soon, so if they do apologize, I sometimes like to make myself sound a bit more masculine when I talk to the tradesman.

Is that why tools are out down?

I get it, I get it. He was explaining to me what's wrong with the air of the house of trying to fix It's a front window. You may recall ash there was a little leak, a tiny little leak, and every time it rained. We'll just be doing a lot of lately in Sydney.

This is the same bedroom that you stuffed me into when I came and stay.

This is this is that the guest room slash ash, and my mum's room and the mold room. And so he came along. He looked at it and goes, oh, yeah, we're just going to patch this little thing up here under the windows sill and you'll be good to go. There's no window. So so as he started patching up, he goes, oh, there's something wrong here. So he starts taking away a bit of the Oh no, it's the word, not the.

Jip rock is the house.

And then the more he took away, the more he realized we have a big problem.

Tradies will do that once they get them in a we're going to have a thing against trades.

Now. I'm not one to question, you know. The he could say anything to me. He could say the wall was about to fall down and we need to rebuild the whole thing, and I would reply and say, gosh, thank goodness, you spotted it. Better get to it. So the window apparently wasn't wasn't drilled in. It was just it was like it was like sitting there with some

I turned up and I was like, how am I going to get in? Had to jump my neighbors fence.

But also I then had to explain to the three boys and say, I do a podcast and would you mind putting your tools down? And they were like, what's a podcast? So yeah, so if they start drilling, I'm not going to tell them to stop. You're going to have to go out there because you're more masculine than I am. Some have said that, and you also you're part much.

You watch my accent change completely. I will go from being like this to be like listening, turn it down?

Will Can you check what kind of wood they're using for the window frame? What type was it?

I need to get a closer inspection, but I would say it's probably some sort of hard wood considering unless I'm it's something a bit more lightweight, like cedar because it can be outside.

I do think they might use the seedar for anyone who doesn't know ashwork in a timber yard, so he knows wood.

And it's not a gay club.

What woods? This table?

By the way, is it oak?

Thank you? It's Tasmania. I'm pretty sure.

Is it something either that or American oak something like that. Don't leave this in the rain anyway.

When are they going to be done? Maybe tomorrow?

Okay, your mum's back this week, isn't she? No?

Or she is back in the country. But she's back in Brisbane right And when she comes back to Sydney.

I can't wait to get her back on the podcast. She's going to come on the podcast. She's going to update us. She just did a Kentucky to her, she's essentially on a Kentigy tour and I would get these updates from her. I should have I should have spoken to her more frequently, but maybe every three days we'd touch base, and every time i'd speak to her, she'd been scammed again. She's been scammed more times than anyone that I know who's gone on an overseas tree.

I love that. I can imagine her too. She's so easily startled, so she was just seen like.

Any bit of transit. She was going to a couple of places in France. Anytime she had to move to another hotel, they were just like, this woman is easy prey. Oh yeah. The taxi drivers are scamming her, people on the street are scamming her. Even other tourists are like, she's so easily scammed. I'm going to scam her.

Oh that's great. I love that. I hope she's having a great time. She's listening, which she will be.

She will be always listens. But how are you? How are good? Good? Good good?

Macy has been sick.

Everyone's sick, mate, It's getting around.

So we had a bit of a couch rot day yesterday. Were just sorry, couch rot. Macey just sat on the couch all day because she's poor things sick.

Who's coin phrase? Couch rot?

I think the next generation has which not our generation. It's a new generation thing on social media. I love it, bed roight couch rot. I've just pretty much said anyone that is lazy and now essentially just rotten away.

I love it.

I love that, I love it. I love to bed rot.

It's one of my favorite things. What were you guys watching on the couch rot? A mixture but a pepper Pig. Yesterday we watched sing cracking film. It is a good one, one of the best.

We watched a bit of YouTube which Macy does. This thing with YouTube now is because you know how the ads in the middle. She'll just yell out ad until I eventually hit skip. Like but all of the painkillers has made Paul Macy very constipated. So she found her in the cupboard again. Remember ages ago she was stealing the mints. No like eight months ago. I said, I lost Macy and I found her because she could smell poo coming from the wardrobe. She just hides in the

Do there not yet she was trying to do a little pool. She was trying to I say, little poo, but talk about it. If there's one thing that little girl can do, it's big poos. She is she I've never seen anything like it, something so small and delicate and beautiful can produce something.

And this morning she was like a hit its peek this morning where I've come downstairs and she's screaming and April's like to help, trying to help her push it out. I don't know if you've ever heard a scream of a young girl who's constipated but a wretchet man?

Do you give them? Like I saw it on your cupboard recently, you have a big container of metamucile. I told her that in confident. Could you kind of sneak in a couple of drink? I've never tried it. That's great, she gets please not sponsored. Can you give her anything to help the food come out?

Yeah, there's like mover cole and stuff like that, but she just needs to stop eating ship not like actual shit, but like she needs more fruit, like good fibrous fruit.

But yeah, dealing with that.

I was away over the weekend, so I missed the union, the kids union.

I was going to ask you, I was how is that investment going?

The investment's going great. They're playing really well.

What's the team called the game?

They call the Under six of Lambie Jets. Now, I did miss this weekend's game, but I got to update where we are. There was a drama, okay, within the first ten minutes. As you know, it's been really wet Hasten, Sydney for the last month, let's call it a month, yeap.

But the fields are open, but they were quite muddy.

So there was a lot of slips and falls, and it just so happened that Oscar happened to be the first slip in fall I heard in the mud?

Is he a child that? I feel like? Some kids really enjoy the wet others hate it. Marley is one. She doesn't like getting dirty, doesn't like getting wet in any capacity. Is Oscar? Where's he on that scale?

He slipped in the among the first ten minutes and they had to go home, and now it doesn't want to go back.

Ah, he's blaming rugby union. That's the one thing they can like, one little bad experience, and that that activity is entirely tarnished.

Yeah. So there was a few slips, a few falls, there's a couple of sore heads. All in all, played really well. We don't keep score, of course, because they're so young. I would say we want player of the match Mac. I'm going this week Oscar will be attending.

How are you going to get it back on the field.

Just got to pick yourself up, boy, Just drag him on a pep talk, Give the team a pep talk. There's the footage of some of the some of the kids. One kid in particular who's very good, Hugo, Young Hugo, which is the son of Zach Beer.

Hugo is a strong name. I show you this footage afterwards, but he's just I've actually already seen it. Oh, I've seen it online. You're checking it on where it got. I didn't go hunting for the footage. I found the footage and I was to Laura. I was like, look, that's the that's the team we sponsored. And she was like, there are a bunch of kids, and I was like, how dare you? How dare you?

You got to start somewhere.

Disrespect the athletes like that.

And athletes is correct, I think, And we maybe invest a little bit more money into Hugo.

What do you how much are we talking our sky's limits for this? Okay, we want to lock him down. He's like a future Nathan Cleary. I was thinking about locking him down for the next thirty five years. Okay, sure's let's talk budgets.

After the podcast treats, we'll should get us to the first couple a pack of snakes.

But anyway, they're going, well, I'll keep you updated with anything that happens this week.

When would you like me to come and help out as water boy? Very good question. We'll organize the time. Maybe not this week, maybe not next because I'm away.

It's a long let me know, go twenty six rounds, it's a long season.

I had something happened to me, Ash, which I can only assume that this has never happened to you before. And I promise you this is a truthful story. Okay, I'm not embellishing it in any capacity.

I'm strapped in.

I'm going to tell you exactly what happened. It was a very unique situation that I found myself in fire Away on Sunday. Laura was up at the crack of dawn standard and I was also awake. You know, sometimes I like to give Laura, not to make myself sound like an absolute hero. I like to give Laura a little lieon. And Lola was like, what are we doing, daddy? And I was like, you know what, Let's go get Let's go get some croissants. How you say croissant, baby Chino?

How do you order the croissant? Do you say croissant or croissant.

I say, I say, and then I say, and then I say MESSI oh, it's.

Such an ick when like behind someone to line, I just get a plan quassan.

Yeah, you hate it when I try and talk in the dialect of the country where the food comes from.

We're not in the country where the food comes from.

No, I know, but the crosshind is friends. You attacked me like this on the podcast. I ordered my coffee and I have a keep cup. They prefer the keep cup without the lid on it. Right. See, when I order it, I hand over the keep cup with no lid. You keep the lid. I keep the lid. I put the lid back on once the coffee is made. That's just how they operate, and I'm happy. That's pretty standard. I think I think it's pretty standard. I put the lid back into the pram because that's where Lola is, yep,

You've screwed a caterpillar into your coffee. What a way to go the thing?

So then I'm like, shit, what do I do here? What's a man to do? I've never found myself in this situation before. Did you blame the caf caterpillars in your milk? No? I couldn't because I was holding onto the lid, right, So the responsibility now was entirely on me the cafe. They have no involvement in the lid.

You've already screwed around around, and he's probably the death is imminent.

So I unscrew it. One half fall to the floor, the other half into the coffee, into the coffee.

Did you drink it? Well? Then I was like, the line for the cafe now is massive. I've beaten the rush. So I'm like, I don't want to order a new coffee. I don't want to pull this coffee out. Also, this is it's metal. It keeps things really hot. This coffee is molten lava. So I go and I get a spoon and I start fishing out the second half of the caterpillar in the coffee cup, trying to find it.

Slug and he died.

Yeah, so there was there was a boy who ate a slug and there's a parasite in the slug killed him and it killed him. That's what I was thinking about. That was at the forefront of my mind. Ash. But I was like, I'm so tired, I'm so desperate for coffee. I'll risk my life. I'm just going to drag to drink it. And Lola was also very confused. She's like, well, I could kill a caterpillar because we love caterpillars. Hungry Caterpillar.

Great book that. I don't know if there was a hungry caterpillar ate a coffee in that, but did you find it?

Well I started drinking the coffee. Yeah, And I'm also like, does this coffee taste weird?

Yes, it's got normal people last for sugar. You ended up with a caterpillar.

So I I'm nearing the end and I'm thinking at any point now, I've got the lid off the coffee, and I'm like, I sip and I look, and I sip, and I look, and I sip and I look, and I get to, like my last sip, there's nobody. The caterpillar is nowhere to be found. Well, what do you mean? I don't fucking know, dude, And you're here to tell the tale. I don't know. So then I finished the coffee.

And now you have super huge strength.

I was walking back home and I thought, you're a bit sick. I was like, is this the sickness or is this the caterpillar getting vengeance on me for eating its body? I was like, I got this lump in my throat, got's are feeling weird? That's disgusting. Has it ever happened to you?

No, there's a few things I would have done differently, so just bear with me. Well, just pick the main one. I would have just ordered another coffee.

No, dude, you cannot tell me that you would have lined up for another five ten minutes, waited another five ten minutes. We're talking. We're on the cusp now thirty minutes for another cup of coffee. I've got a screaming three year old ash.

There's a caterpillar half alive in your coffee. Doesn't matter, todde I once ordered a coffee and I went, I walked out of the coffee shop. I was doing something with the pram. I just put it onto rest on the side of like a pole. It fell off immediately, hadn't even had ai. I just walked away. I'd much rather not drink the coffee than have to go through the embarrassment of picking that up, take another ten minutes to get a coffee without being poisoned by a caterpillar.

You just you're ignoring what I just said. There was a queue. We were looking at minimum twenty minute wait time. I don't have to. I've you gotta push on, you gotta push on, push onto the next cafe. But I'm also if it's going to wake me up, I'll drink It's fair. Regardless of what's inside that coffee cup.

That's fair. And yeah, I probably still wouldn't have drank it.

I don't know. That's why you and Mere different, my friend different, very different. Tenny environmentalists out there also don't come for me. I will put it out there that I love animals of all shapes and sizes.

Do the rest of the body start dragging itself away?

I ran it over in the prem accidentally. Wow.

Okay, that's a series of unfortunate events, and I'm glad you're here to tell the tale.

So far, I will say, I'm feeling okay. I'm not out of the woods just yet. Matt.

It is that time of year again when the New South Wales Blues take on the Queensland Maroons.

Yes, state against state, mate against mate. Ash at the time when you and I we put the relationship on pause, we do. Yes, we will dislike each other for the next couple of weeks until Game three is over and Queensland have retained the shield once again, we will see, my friend. But one thing is for sure.

We are partnering with Puma to give away four you heard it right, four jerseys that are signed two New South Wales and two Queensland. As Matt, how do people get their hands on these bad boys?

As? All you have to do is head to our pages, personal pages, or it'll also be on two doting dads. There is a photo of yourself and me dressed beautifully in moron. You are wearing the disgusting light blue of New South Wales, looking delicious, revolting, and all you have to do is tag a mate that you would like to share the prize with. So we have in total four signed jerseys thanks to Puma.

Yeah, so tag you mate. Who else is your fellow state supporter? Who would you watch the game with?

We'll pick two people, one from Queensland, one from New South Wales And just a reminder, you have to also be following at Puma Footy on Instagram to be eligible to win. Come on, Queensland.

Good best of luck to you and best of luck to Queensland.

You're going to need it.

Good luck, Matt. I recently put on our Facebook group two Don't Dad Facebook group.

That is, I saw your post. I want to say, considering how many followers we have, the post went viral. All one hundred people are right. Normally there's like one or two people will comment and I, you know you, and I will say something and then like I think, a name of Donna is normally the one person who replies, Donna, thanks for messaging us. You've got like fourteen comments. My friend whoa, that's it? And everyone was on the money, the bang on the money.

So the update, it's not just an update, it's a complete change to my parenting style.

What was your post for those of you, My.

Post said something along the lines of I just got a text message from it were saying, can I have the leftover tie? Please?

At least she's asking can you call her and say no? Just calling April? Hey, what do you mean the tie?

What do you want?

No?

That's mine?

A bit late?

You ate it?

I literally just.

Well put it back in the fridge immediately.

You're not even high. You wouldn't need it, And I'm just messing with you. Hi, April, Hi, how you going? Don't pretend like it's not been eaten already. When I texted you, I was actually eating it because I was like, oh, I better just do very good.

I was just letting our listeners know about our big update and announcement that we've got the.

Big party, April. I'll be there black.

April's really self conscious that she's not done enough or not going to have done enough, which I think is ridiculous.

Will there be a petting zoo there? Not quite? It's budget friendly. All right, Thank you, and enjoy your lunch April. Thanks for saving me. So I appreciate it.

Welcome bye, back to it. Okay, so I said it says it reads, I wrote, Am I a politician?

Yes?

After five years of avoiding this one aspect of parenting, they say all good things must come to an end. Can you guess what it is? If not, you'll find out in the coming weeks that time has come. After five years, I've decided to change my whole outlook on parenting and throw one of my children a birthday party.

Don't all claim it once? Wow, I know, I never thought the day would come. The day has come, my friend.

Some of the party planners, no, we can't afford them.

So what was the catalyst for deciding that this year was the year that you were going to throw your first birthday party?

I was shamed online for being a bad dad.

Actually, can I ask was it? What was it? When we jumped on She's on the Money podcast.

Yeah, that was my money saving tip, and people were like.

You're a muster. Think of the children, because anyone who doesn't know we jumped on. We were guest hosts of that podcast. And it's not a serious money saving it's kind of a half serious, half joke. Yeah, there were a few outrage people.

They were outrage.

They didn't know us. They don't know the context. I don't know the context. They don't know that.

I like to tell jokes and that's a joke ish.

Kind of real laugh. But I think it's funny. So I've continued with it.

And someone was like, hey, dare you take the birthday away from a child? And it's like, hang in a fucking minute, I don't. I've never done that. We do celebrate their birthdays. I'm not a gypsy.

We let Oscar out of his cage. I'm not a gypsy shackle him.

We let him watch us eat cake. If that's how they portrayed me, like there was some sort of monster. And then they were like when I because I took Macy's birthdays the same day as a friends a friend's son's birthday, and the joke is so embedded in our friend group that they threw Macy into the birthday song at the same time. Well I did, and then I tagged them in it, saying I've got you next year, like it's my turn. Well, well that's a joke too, and someone was like, those poor parents.

I would defriend you like.

Relax, all right, fucking relax.

It's a joke, have I said?

My response to this person's outrage comment was maybe you should have a laugh every now and then just left it at that, harmless. This is where we've ended up. April's gilted me into having a party. Okay, it doesn't mean I'm not going to sabotage it. No, we're in We're in time. So we are having a party. I wonder if you could guess.

What the theme is now, well, I got my invite. Oh you did, I got my invite. That was an accident. It's manly themed.

It's Manly seagulls theme. Yes, so we're having a Manly seagulls cake.

Oh surely, surely you can get the mascot from Manly Seagles down to the birthday party. We don't want to say where it's being held, but is it in a park because that's one of the big questions. Is it indoor, outdoor venue, public space?

There's so many questions when you're like, you know, where do you have it?

What do you do?

Are we doing too much?

What's not enough? No?

We opted for pub love that, so it's a pub with a big kids playground, like a big one outside and then all like the area that we've booked is like up against the park so the kids can all play in the park.

We get a table with shit there? Can I ask? What is the mascot? Is a big eagle? It's a big eagle. He's at the eagle.

I was with the manly ceo over the weekend, actually got a flight with him on the.

All right legend. I didn't must be nice, it was nice to Can you drop something mainly seagles? Name you?

Just?

Oh not the ceo? Already I already dropped with the seals. Look how the tables have turned, my friend, I already dropped it.

You didn't need to pick it up, so anyway, could I? Tony? I didn't drop. I didn't say I didn't say anything. Okay, I haven't said anything. But if they're listening, I will would like the mascot for the afternoon. I think maybe we could get that done.

Who is in the mascot? Does it change depending on what.

I used to have a friend that was the mascot years ago. Hundred bucks a game used to get paid. That's quite good.

That's quite good. I could I could I'd gladly invest one hundred dollars to see just a smile on Oscar's face for the first time.

Oh that's a low blow, my friend, are they very low blow? So my job was to organize the pub, organize the booking.

April's got me dming people. Who are you dming the pub?

We want to make sure we get that spot at the front. I'm like, I'll just call on like the week out, Like it's not a huge deal.

Also another question, did she want you to DM? Because they may yes, they know they're talking to Does he want to only this guy Ash Wicks you might get the VIP space? Yeah?

So yeah. I was like, I'm a number one manly member okay, And I'm not that's Hugh Jackman. I'm New Jackman. And all I did was DM. They'll just say, hey, look, I just want the and they're like, yeah, no worries, which is great, just perfect. What else am I in charge in charge of? I'm in charge of organizing my friends that there, dad's and the kids. And that's the thing when you're when you're having a party, it's like, how do do you go on the guest list?

It's hard what's what's the capacity? What are we looking at?

What's a pop? How many people can get in there? I'm just how many? So the invite will be on my Facebook based.

If people would like to buy a present for Oscar, where can they send them? I think this is great. I'm very excited. I'm excited, and I can tell that while your exterior is showing a little bit of discomfort frustration, I can tell deep down there is a part of you that's very excited to create this.

I am for Oscar. I am excited for a Saturday afternoon.

Can I help it anyway? Is anything you want to help with? Can you leave me the responsibility of the mascot?

Yes?

Do you have a child entertainer? No? Okay, great, we have an adult entertainment. Leave it with me. Leave it with me, my friend. I don't want to promise anything, April, you heard it. I don't want to promise anything, but leave it with me. Leave it with me. I'm going to see what I can wrangle where April.

I am most worried about April. Mainly she's like, what no one turns up? Like that'll be a disaster, And.

It's like, don't you get a possibility. There's one person who's going to be there.

There you go, and that is Oscar really wants is.

Maddie j He doesn't like me? Does he come to duck me again? So actually, what I do.

Want to know is I don't know if you've got any disaster stories, but I want and whether it's on your face on the Facebook group or whether it's on I might update. I might update the Facebook group with the announcement of this and ask for disaster stories, birthday disasters.

Also, I'm going to just send that Facebook link to all the people who criticized you previously. Ash. I'm going to go out there and just make sure those people who threw shade on you now. But then I guess they'll be like, huh see I want.

Yeah, don't give it to them, still be wondering what happened?

Where is that Ash guy? This is exciting, man, I'm excited. I'm excited.

Send a pub on a Saturay afternoon, and.

I think it's a great venue. I think a pub is a great shot. If it's wet.

Weather inside, there's outside, You've got food there, there's heaps of other people that don't have kids to annoy.

There's toilets. There's toilets, and then you know, if you want to peel out, you can't peel out.

There's also like a restaurant that does food, not just beer.

Love that. So yeah, it should be good. And if we want to kick on easy, we can stay that. We can stay there. There's other places. I'm pumped. I'm pumped.

Great, Can I bring both kids? No, yeah you can. We'll have enough Lolli bags for those kids. Okay, that's another thing, trying to organize a Lolli bag that's not for the choke hazards.

Okay, that is I think one of the hardest parts of a kid's party is a Lolli bag and a Tardi bag.

If you will try not to put something in there that's going to choke a child, because that would fall back on if you if your lollly bag choked a child, and God for beard that child was to pass away, you would be responsible.

Yeah. I put life saving in your pretty to go to jail. We're all thinking it. I put life I've seen you hole in your way too, pretty good. I would be I would be worth quite a lot in prison.

You will be. I would be you'd be hanging onto someone's pocket. Immediately shut up.

I put life savers in a party bag. I now know the irony in that though three to four year olds life savers are no.

Good, the irony in them called life savers, but they could so easily take a chock.

I did, I did. I went to a party recently. In the party bag. It wasn't it was a budget version, it wasn't match Box brand. It was like the Kmart version. Each party bag had a car, a new car. Just why is there a BMW key in my will? It went down very well, Yeah, no pressure. Just so is not all lollies to have some kind of tangible gift?

Just going to plant to see you thinking with these kids, like a calendar.

Or a book?

That's who don't need Dad's book? Question?

Free time available on pre sale. I love how every episode we get it just quickly, ash. I don't want to my own horn. I am a hero.

I've always said that I am a hero. You've saved my baking in a lot of situations, so I want to hear this one.

We were at the Entertainment Quarter on Sunday. Yes, More Park. More Park is a suburban Sydney. By the way, people outside of Sydney would be like, what does he mean? Now they know there is a great park there. There is great park, pretty new. Is it free? Free? Park? Park is free? Parking is not free? The park is free. They're confusing. You're with me, it's continuing confused.

Parked up the slide in my fucking car.

There was it's like a rocket ship type setup if if you're with me, where you have to climb up to these little chambers and then I'll show you a video so you understand what what I'm talking about. But it was quite hard to climb up. There wasn't like

Is that the only way back down?

Or you have to come back on yourself and go through the pipes. You have to come on and it's but even I found it a little bit hard. You know, obviously I'm a big guy because sorry, sorry.

Okay, big guy, what I meant.

What I meant is I'm an adult and this was degned. But Lola wanted to go on the slide. She was like, that looks great. She was like, Dad, come with me. And I was like, oh, big guy, don't know if you can tell can I go down sideways? But I thought, you know, I'll go with it because also the slide was pretty pretty steep as well, you know.

But you're a big guy, so for you as fu.

Okay, So I start climbing through and I'm just going to show you what the final chamber looks like.

A final chamber, like it's some sort of torture chamber interest.

Play, my guy, Holy shit, thank you?

Is that an outdoor of bonfire?

So that's that's the chambers, right, And also they're fully enclosed as well, so you don't know how many people are like currently playing inside those chambers. That's a prison for children.

That's what some almost like, great news, We've built a prison specifically for children.

Here's what it looks like, right, So it looks impressive, but actually, yeah, it's a child trap. So I climb in there, I get to the top chamber. Dude, what do I find skeleton. There's like eight kids crying up there.

Oh my god, they're stuck.

All the kids are stuck. They're all crying and they're like, Mommy, please. No other parents noticed because it's so hard. Now other parent's gone up there. So I'm found myself with all these kids, and I'm like, don't worry everybody. So I'm like, all right, who's first. I imagine this is what it would have felt like being one of the rescuers from the tie cave situation, being face to face with all these kids in a life threatening situation, a live threatening situation,

No one?

No one knows nothing.

Parenting is a thankless chore, my friend.

I don't know how long these kids have been up there, days, weeks.

Perhaps that story reminds me of have you seen the opening of Trolls?

Yes? No, and he comes down with his daughter. I get nothing. I don't do this for the pat on the back afterwards. But you're looking for it?

Now?

Are you not a single bit of repig you're looking for it? Did you come down like, yeah, I got nothing?

You know what? Well done, sir, Thank you.

A lesser man would have gone.

Not my problem.

That lesser man would have been me. Again, I don't do this to hear those words spoken about me.

Because they're appreciated.

Thank you.

Speaking of praise, let's go into our favorite segment, which is heady couple, Welcome down the street, petty couple.

They kind of like with me, dirty couple. I love you, but immiture, no one can push me quite like you. Ash first one here is from t J. Spelt Te Space.

Do not know there's a quicker way to spell that.

I love words. Marley's learning how to spell right now, words like TJ. They're fantastic, very easy, very easy for young minds. It's just two letters, well said. TJ says. My husband did one of the few loads of washing he's ever done and hung it on the line. Well done, well done. Round of applause. That's great, bar so low, that's so good. Good to see him doing his fair share. Not fair share? Is it? He's on the road, it is,

That's more than a pregnancy. Oh that's pretty petty.

TJ say.

They're probably his clothes too, Like, that's probably why she's left it, if it was anything important of hers.

I guarantee you TJ's got that off. Also, like the one time he finally does the washing, he just does his clothes and not hers.

So who's the pew on air, Matt, I've got one from Gemma.

Jemma says sharing a bathroom.

With my husband is so annoying. Separate bathrooms.

I'm with you.

If he shakes too vigorously and sprays his piss.

On the floor, I use his towel. No. Oh.

She also goes under say the same applies if he gets water all over the floor because he's incapable of using a bath mat properly.

Oh my, so it still goes.

She then says, sometimes I watch him drying his face and creep, but you've got to kiss that face.

She don't have to, bro she doesn't have to. I hope he's not listening.

He's got to get his four skin checked and it's not his problem. He's got a six skin. That's great and I love them. Keep them coming in.

Wow.

You can send them to hello at two Doting dads dot com, or you can DM two Doting Dad's the Instagram page and we.

Will try and it around to all of them. There are lots.

Because people are out there being petty makes the days go by.

I love how all these men are just completely oblivious to what's happening around them, wiping their face, like town smells a bit weird. Why does my towel smell pissy? Anyway? Anyway, it must be me questions, Ash, Yes, questions. We do have a question. Last episode, I think it was we told a story about a friend of mine who bit their kid as a way to tearing them. You're careful not to say that we're advocating for parents to bite their own kids. Holy shit. It was an outpouring of

That's crazy for.

Everyone who reached out. We want to say thank you. I have a taste and let us question here is from Rhonda. Ronda asks Ash, when you're giving your kids a bath at night time, what do you do if they we in the bath? Do you change the bathwater or do you just push on, push on.

Nice words there. I definitely depends on how yellow it is, because if I can't see it, I don't know it's there. But the other day I said to Scar, do we get in the bath because I don't need to shares a bath with his sister.

And especially now when it's a bit colder. As soon as they hit that warm water floodgates open.

He and he was so dear high and I was like, get over and had to redo the whole bath again. Subsequently, we only have a small hot water heater at our house.

So both April and I ended up with cold showers. Oh no, she was not very happy. What is it with kids? They like my kids. They've now got a taste of pissing in the bath and they prefer that than pissing in the toilets. Every time. I'm like, before you get in the bath, do are we on the potty? And they're like, no, no, are we in there? And I'm it's like they will fight. They will fight me to not wei on the potty. I'm like trying to force them on. So I'm like, hey, fine, But then

What is wrong with you? You see ships in the bath? I've set your photos of that ship, which I get about immediately. Immediately you change the bath water then or baths over. Dad's going to fish out of the drain that bath is well and truly, because then I've got to like disinfect the bath.

I didn't think you would. I wouldn't April make it? What about you? Do you push on through? Yeah? Yeah, always always would. It would have to be like acid coming out of their body for me to change the bath water. I'm like, man, that's wild. That's good to go. You guys are fine. You won't notice. That's a lot of water, Matt.

This one's from Sam. What do you tell your kids when they ask you how babies get inside mummy's belly?

Well, that's a good question.

We want to turn it back on them to see how they.

Think the baby got in the belly. What do your kids saying?

Whatever they say, I just say that that's the answer.

I've always been pretty upfront, pretty transparent with my kids, and it's funny you ask. I've got a tape here. I say that you're always babies are in mummy's tummy. But when it comes to explaining the intricacies of how they got in there, I'm like, go ask your mother. I just say, when you love someone very much, you cuddle a little. Always the case, though I don't don't.

Sorry to those single mums out there.

I don't say I don't say specifically how good in there? But I just say that when mum and dad, as me and Laura, when we loved each other very much, that's how the baby happened. End of good night, and let's get out of here.

Let them figure it out.

I don't think. I mean, I do think laambled my way through it. I do think did she no? Maybe not thinking if she said to them they come out the vagina. Hmm, that's what they come out of. Know how they got in there? No, well, actually that's not true. It's both true. I don't think she did. I don't quote me on this. I do have this memory of like, that's where babies come out from. I think, Okay, this is for getting deep and dark. It's a lot for the young mind of a four year old to comprehend.

Perfect. That sounds like a really good plan. That sounds that actually is something I would love to do. Just laugh at them.

About it. I have this weird memory sometimes it's just strange how one particular moment sticks out in your mind. And I remember, I think I was grade five. I'm listening. His name was Kieren, and I don't remember how he was using it, but he was using the word stiffy, and I was like, stiffy. You say, what is it? What is a stiffy? And he was like, you don't know what a stiffy? He had older brothers, Yeah, he was like yeah. And I went to my brother and

Of the worst conversations I ever had with my mum, and that was her explained to me what an orgasm is.

How old were we twelve?

It makes so much.

Sense now, doesn't that I did.

We just have this school near us called Sant Augustine's and the nickname for it was Santa orgasms, and I was like, we'll say orgasms.

Like some of the boys again to an orgasms. She was like, would you like to know what orgasms?

I'm like no, and she she went on to try and explain it to me, but I was like, like, so distraught.

Good on her, Good on her? Anyway? Did you call it orgasms? Following that, never, I never used the word ever again, genius missus Wicks. We'll play anyway. That's all we got time for. The builders need to get back to work. We need to get out of here, get back to They're all currently waiting like we had to come to the house of a podcaster. Yeah, waiting for me to give them the signal extra line back on the tools. Boys get who wants some tea and lemonade?

If you've enjoyed this episode, please share it with someone who needs a laugh parent and non parent definitely not a pet parent, otherwise we'll find out and leave us to review and subscribe as well.

Yeah, subscribe review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify watch us some shorts. Yeah whatever, do whatever, and yeah, if you have any advice for Ash's party, please send it up away because we want to make sure it's the Bash of the year. Yes, and don't forget.

If you want to win this case of Stonewood, follow whatever Mat said earlier.

Go back and listen to it again from the start. All right, sir, back two. Doting Dad's podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and the connections to land, see and community.

We pay our respects to their elders past and present and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Straight Islander people's today. This episode was recorded on Gadagle Land