Do you know what's really fun to say on mid whiffery? Mid whiffery, It's fun to say, isn't that I've had better? You know, they bring out the government, the government bring out some paid placement stuff for like nurses, paramedics and mid whiffery.
I think a funner word is fart lick.
Oh, it's the fartleck.
Welcome back to two doing dads. I am Maddie Jay and I'm Ash And this is a podcast all about parenting and fun words. Fartle like another one, bum fuzzle.
That the kids in the car right now we go.
These words are great, umb fuzzle, bum fuzzle.
In addition to the fun words, we also talk about parenting.
The good, the bad, and the relatable.
And if you've come for any type of advice, turn this podcast off right now.
Yes, throw the phone away, throw it right away right now. Actually, the only advice that we'd give is this, Matthew, I have turned someone, I've swayed someone, okay too. The dark side, the dark side, the cloudy pale out which let's crack on actually from Stonewall is the one Laura likes. Yeah, so the other day I had a friend that cheers my friend cheers, M. That's delightful. Got spilt it everywhere.
Sorry, I gotta be excited bouncing myself in the Cloudy Palow.
I had a mate over the other day, and of course I have a fridge full of stone Wood thanks to stone Wood and the choice of drop that fine evening was the Cloudy palou.
Did they resist the paleol? Were they forthcoming?
They were like, I'll give it a go. And then I went around to his house the very next day, open the fridge and bango four pack. He said, I literally, I liked it that much. I got one for this afternoon. So I took beers to his house and I walked in and he already had some converted. That's the second person I've converted.
It's like we're starting a cult right now.
Cult following. If you just want something a little bit spicier, can't go wrong. Job. So thank you stone Wood as always for making these episodes possible.
Hey, very exciting.
Ash.
We have a weekend planned in Byron Bay with the family for my brother's fortieth weekend, and it just so happens. I didn't do this, this is just the way it worked out. That very weekend that we're going to be staying in Barron Bay is the exact same weekend that there is a very exciting festival.
Onday Together festal Stone got our basketball take it.
It's going to be on Saturday, the first of June.
At the Brewery at the Brewery. We're going to be there, We will be and you're going to be there. I'm going to be there child free and I'm going to be with all the kids.
But I haven't told Laura this yet. We're staying at Elements, which is very n ass and you're staying there as well.
Yes, Laura doesn't know to her surprise. Well should be disappointed?
Should I tell her? Or should I just? Should we just surprise her at the pool when you rock up.
Rock up in nothing but budgy smugglers, ready to rock and roll. Now there's heaps of people playing at this Festival of Stone. Betty Rays, Dan Salton, who else, the Beefs, the Boofs, Middrift, Middrift midwif three. But you can get your tickets. We'll leave a little link and yeah, come down, say gooday.
And also my favorite part, there is a kids area. It's called malt Disney.
Oh that's great. So I'm going to bring the kids word play. There's gonna be each of food trucks and stuff there too, So miss out. If you're in town or you're around, come down and enjoy the music, but also enjoy looking at Maddie and Mina's faces. And Laura is very disappointed because her holiday will be ruined by yours.
Truly, Hey, I gave you a little update yesterday. Ash, that's something that I did. I went to an audition.
You did.
I can't say what TV show it's for, Okay, I have to be that dick who's like.
Oh you guys.
I can't give a word that I don't know. I don't know, I don't know. It's I am watching my phone like a whore. Noticed right now. I'm just like any message, I'm.
Like, is it them? Are they going to tell me them?
But I was it was a big deal for me. It's a big deal for me.
Were you nervous?
I was very nervous.
I'm seeing you really. The only time I've seen you nervous was when we were doing the MCing four or the podcast would if you were sweet? You were the rock. You were our rock right up until a backstage behind the doors, and I'm like, let's just get it, and you're patient. I was like, where's he go? It's full of energy, up and down, up and down. That's the only time I really have seen your nerves.
Yeah, I was nervous. And it sucks because you're nervous for the things that you want. Yeah, and I haven't been to a big audition.
Yeah, I hated.
It's like the last time I was thinking that I felt these type of nerves was when I went on a job interview, you know, and it's I trying to talk myself into being in a good place mentally.
I was like, don't worry.
I was like, Maddie J You're a good guy.
I know. The thoughts are worse than the reality of it too.
And one thing that threw me I didn't want to know who else was going.
For this audition. You didn't want to get thrown off. You didn't want to get thrown Yeah, because there's always like, oh, especially if someone's like very notable or.
Comparison as a thief to joy I believe something along those lines. So I walk into the audition and I'm walking to the room where I'm going to be doing the audition with all the big dogs, and as I'm kind of approaching the door, I then see the person who's auditioned before me, meadow Kind. For those of you who don't know, he's a lovely guy. I'm a huge fan of meadow Kind.
Very funny, he's lovable, he's got so much experience, great stand up comedy.
And also what made it just so much worse was the fact that as he was walking out, the room was just erupting and laughter, and he was almost like, guys, I've got to and I was and I clocked him and I was like, oh fuck, and I was like, hey, dude.
He was like hey, he was lovely. From that moment on, the wind had been taken out of my sails. He still did it. I still did it, still did it.
And I stupidly made the mistake of they said, would you like a glass of water? And I said, yes, I would like a glass of water. And there was a jug and some cups on the table.
You drank out of the jug.
I went to pour myself a glass and it was like shaking and then and then it was like it was a hard jug. It was it was metal. So I couldn't see where the water was, and part of me is like, I'm just gonna I'm going to retract. Yeah, I was. I was trying to be gentle. I didn't know like when the water was going to come out, so I'm being slow and the dead silence and it was just there watching me as I'm like.
That reminds me of that scene in lia Lie where he's like filling out the water. Jes.
One other thing that also fucking happened to me as well, just to just add another layer of self doubt in the back of my mind, was the fact that I have a purple suit.
I wore a purple suit. I wore a purple suit. It's a beautiful suit. Beautiful suit. It's a lovely suit.
And I thought, you know what, I'm gonna wear some punchy something to grab the attention of the room. People love this suit. Whenever I wear it's a crowd place. It's different.
It's like a deep rich. It's a deep rich. I have to borrow it. It's something. Well, you probably it's busted because I was running a little bit late, which is no surprise, but I was like surprised. I was.
I was leaving at a time when I was going to get there like dead on, and I was like, I cannot be late for this. I looked down as I'm in the car, I look at my crotch and the thread has unraveled.
Oh your cock was dying to get out of there.
So I was like what do I And split second I was like what do I do?
What did you do? Just powered on?
Well, I thought, do I get changed? Do I lose the purple suit?
Which absolutely not to me?
Was like that's all I had going for me. So I kept the purple suit and I had and I thought, you know what, I'm just going to be straight up because I went to touch it as well, and as I as I like brushed the fabric, the thread just like.
It was just opening up.
I was like Jesus. So I just was honest with them and I said, look, guys, my dick's out.
Yeah. So it was okay. Would you get a laugh from that? At least not that you didn't get any other laugh.
I made a joke. I was like, if anyone walks past right, you know, and they see that my pants are off.
They go, wow. Matt really wanted that job and that was such a dad joke, and they it didn't. They looked more like, what is that a joke? I was like, they're obviously not parents, Matt. They don't get it. Anyway, we'll see, we will the best of luck. I did forget to wish you good luck. Yeah, thank you. I acknowledged it afterwards though, so I could have not thank you. I've also just ran over mattow coin on the way in, so he's definitely going to get really appreciate that. He's
got no knee caps anymore, so good luck. Actually he was quite tall, so he probably still get.
As soon as I have any update, Yeah, please, I will share.
You want to know. I'm sure they're chumping. They want to know where they can see more. Maddie j me too, Me too.
So in the coming weeks, I'll be sharing the news with a smile on my face or in the corner rocking back and forth.
Right, there all be other opportunities. Oh, thank you, that's all right, that's very positive. No, now.
You're saying that because you think I'm not going to get it.
No, I never said that. Fuck you, you're so self conscious. I am saying that as coming from a place where If madow Kine does get it, there'll be other opportunities and you won't be up against meadow Kine unless he can do more than one thing at a time.
If he gets it, I'm sorry, mad ow Kine, you're in drink trouble.
You're not coming on the podcast. Oh, he's probably like, don't need it anymore in other news, man, I don't know if you've done this, which I would I have done last week, as you know, last week semi busy week for us. But on Thursday I went to go and collect my child from kindergarten. Sure a good day. I'm a doting dad, I would say. And I walked in and as I'm walking in, I saw another dad I know, right, and he was picking up his kid
as well. He's also a very doting dad. And we were chatting walking in or chatting all things dad, as you do quick catch up anyway, So we were walking together and he's got a couple of kids, one kid that's in Oscars class and one kid that's in Macy's class, so age group's great. And I walked in with him to go and get his youngest, which is in Macy's class. And I walked in with him, and the teachers all gave me this funny look, and I was like, his
eyes Macy inside, They're like, Macy's not here today. I did say it's Thursday and thursdays I spent all day with Macy, which I did. Oh where was she? She was all day with me? But she was just home with April. At that moment, I had forgot I'd spent the day with her and went and picked her up from her kindergarten. Going to pick O Scrup from his kindergarten.
I reckon, that's gonna happen.
All the time, I was like, the teachers were like, are you okay?
Did you have to say, Oh God, where's my daughter? Don't worry, I know where she is.
They're like, Macy doesn't come to come here today. I know that. I was like, I didn't just spend the whole day with her, but yeah, I have literally been. We went swimming, rime time, she had a nap. I even napped in their room because she didn't want to sleep. So I'd legit spent the whole day with Macy. But I was so distracted on the way in that you went auto pilot. I went into autopilot. Anyway, I have like Oscar's in the same preschool kindergarten that day, and
I walked past his room. So in the meantime, I've walked past Oscar's room, He's seen me, and I've just been to another room, and I've come down the stairs to go all the ramp to go, ohh, get Oscar, and he's at the door like like a puppy dog, I'm left behind. I walked in and he was like, where have you been? And I was like, oh, I
accidentally and he couldn't quite understand. Anyway. Then I've I've managed to rustle all of his stuff together, and I've walked out the door and back past the teachers, which I already embarrassed myself in and I just got one. But all these young girls were like, usually I've got it together.
I think I'm absolutely allowed to do that. Once or twice, maybe three times, I was like.
Fuck, this is embarrassing. Also, I must look terrible because I don't know where my daughter is. But they don't know that I've spent the day with her. They think I've come from work, if you want to call this work to collect a child and just like, my child's not there. It's like going and there's no child there. I'm like, what am I doing here? Who's got Who's got Macy? I don't know who knows. I swear to God, she's here.
The only thing that I've done. I don't know if you guys have done this, but I've gone to pick up the kids. And I'm pretty good on my phone, Like, if Laura sends me a text, chances are I'll see it within a couple of minutes.
You'll ignore it.
But I would never ignore my wife winking to the camera. She normally like on Mondays and Wednesdays, I pick up the kids and Laura finished work early, so she messaged me and said, hey, I'm on the road. I'll just go pick them up. I didn't see that text.
Oh.
I went into daycare and the lady reception was like, just look to be very oddly.
And I remember thinking, that's a weird it's a weird world. That's what I got. Yeah, I thought, first of all, I thought I almost had a booker or something. Yes, And I'm like no.
She was like, what are you doing here? And I was like, I'm picking up my kids? Does it look like and.
She goes, what the fuck are you doing it? And Laura, Laura had beat me to it. I'm guessing it probably happens all the time, all the time, because like, no one can be perfect with their communicating No one is perfect ash absolutely not, definitely not me. You and I wear two of the same as close to perfect as you could be. Other than that.
Do you know where Macy is today?
No? I do, because I dropped her off. I think I dropped her off the right place. They were definitely happy to have her. Whoever, it was just a random daycare down the road.
Oh yeah, she's at Calls right now, like the vegetable aisle.
She what do you forget? She's there. She's so quiet, she's starting to come out of a shit she is. She's very quirky. She has some quirky things.
Are we talking about her? Giant ships?
That's not quirky, that's concerning far. You should have seen this ship she did last night. It was about as girthy as that can. I call the girl.
What are you guys feeding her? She's getting into your protein.
She's like Jack, but she does something quite quirky when she sleeps now go on, I'll show you a quick video. This will be on our socials. You can pick what it is.
She's just made herself a little roof with most kids, like a soft toy in bed with them.
So when she sleeps, she has to have a book now, which is fine. She places the book over her head and just goes to sleep.
Yeah, she's just giving herself a bit more shade.
That's like an hour into her sleep.
I just walked in and she's like, man, you need blinds in that room.
Nah, She's fine, we're clearly not okay, all right, we're figured that out. Then she's like, it's so damn bright. Last last night, I April wedding there and I was like, oh, is she asleep? And I gus, nearly the book's on my head. So she falls asleep now with a book on her head. She's quite is that the book that you read her? Oh? No.
Also just at the opportunity to say that two dirting Dad's quest a free time pre saler is available right now.
Like, I don't mind that. Laura is very.
Against anything in bed that's not a soft toy.
Why. I don't know, why would you want that on your head? Though?
Maybe it's like a comfort thing. I don't know, I know, like but if she's sleeping, if it gets her to go to bed, if it gets her to sleep quicker, absolutely.
Like I know other kids have everything they sleep with.
Yeah, what's the most random comforter?
Yeah in bed or has had that you had to pry out of the little hand.
Anything that's that's like a hard toy. Laura is like, you can't cuddle it. It's not coming into bed. Whereas I'm liked, as long as it's not a knife, you can take it in bed with you.
You had an abacus, they could get it off. It might be in that video. I've had to put it at the bottom of the bed. You haven't look. There's heaps of shit in there. It's like it starts on Monday and then by Friday you're like, come on, that's too much. Because Oscar used to line his trucks up and cars up and they had to be in order, and then he'd just find like a little spot in there.
You know, there's the kid's weird. You've got something weird your kids sleeps with, just send it to us Hello at two dads dot com or just damn.
I think she loves books. It's a good thing. She's clearly going to be very intelligent. She wants the advocates, she wants books. Next thing is put a calculator in there. Yeah. Hey, do you ever have moments where your memory of how events will play out with the kids is slightly blurred? Like what you think will be a beautiful, pleasant activity in reality is a fucking nightmare. But you you fool yourself into thinking that it's going to be a good idea and enjoyable for all.
Remember I got Oscar that kite, Yes, that's the kite, the kite, and I was like, let's go down and find the kite. That'll be awesome. And I couldn't do it. It was frustrating, and he was frustrated that kite's now where is the eyes are gone? Yeah, it defeated me, so I showed it. It's like when you took Marley to the Jurassic Park thing, remember and then oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah yeah. I was like, they're gonna love this.
Turns out dinosaurs, like a life sized t Rex coming for your child will torment them.
I remember as a kid when I went to the Easter show that used to have the Robotron. It used to eat the cars. Remember, Yeah, I love that. I was petrified about how old we are twenty five. Anyway, go on on Saturday is gone.
Laura was away for work, so I had the girls on my own, and I am a little bit guilty on a Saturday morning. You know, I let the girls wake up and if they want to watch TV straight away.
What I'm like, I do that every morning. What's sure, I'll put it on. I always wak a TV. I was like that distraction. I'm busy, but then act to sleep.
So Saturday's are slow, a slow morning, right, No one's getting up, No one's like sometimes you know, if we don't have breakfast till nine, nine thirty, it cares we're gonna We're gonna know what to be. Whereas the girls woke up, I actually was feeling pretty good. I woke up and I was like six thirty. I actually felt pretty awake. And they were saying we you know, sometimes kids just get this idea and they had they want something. I don't know what's influenced it, but they were like,
we want pancakes. I want to go out for pancakes this morning. And I thought to myself. Do you know what I'm up?
Sure? That sounds amazing.
Yeah, And I was like, we could spend the morning watching TV, or I know the cafe down the road, great cafe.
Thirty dollars pancakes. It sounds beautiful. I can't wait to spend sixty bucks on pancakes. But I was like, if you girls get ready now, we'll go get pancakes. Oh yeah.
And they were great. They were like love that. They ran to their room, picked out their outfits. We all got ready within like fifteen minutes, and I was like, this is going to be a great morning. And I was also just like looking at myself in the mirror, going, you're a good fucking.
Down one of the best, Like you know all these.
Other parents out there still probably no, I mean, easy not to point any fingers out cakes, But I went. I went to this cafe. Almost straight away, the wheels started to unravel. Wheels unraveling.
No, sure, we'll stick with it anyway.
But I couldn't get a park, so I was driving around in circles and kids are like, Dad, like.
The cafe, the cafes there, what are you doing? I don't understand, and like just come home. I've come home with oscars, being like why are we why are we not going? I've turned around to come home.
Well, I was almost at that point. I was just like, fuck, I might just ordum like off overeats and.
Then you just wake them.
Anyway, because because I would have had to have gone to the shops. And also who can be asked to make pancakes? If you are out there making pancakes, you make mat some. So I've got a park, got there. It was actually a bit busy, so I had to wait for a table, got the table, and then the kids were getting pretty restless. I didn't bring an iPad, and I was kind of thinking to myself, Fuck, have I made a big mistake. I'm also I'm outnumbered. I'm solo with both girls.
And I was trying, you know, I was trying to get the attention of the waiter.
It was hard to do that. And then the girls were like, we don't want pancakes anymore, and I was like, fuck, I've missed the pancake window. Now they're like, Dad, it's dinner time, and I was like I was trying to get him back on the pancake tracking like no, no, no, no. I remember remember the dream this morning.
Remembers had a dream together.
We all wanted pancakes, and then I kind of got them back on board, and I was like, fucking hell so good.
Yeah, I was. I was hyping up.
I was hyping up the pancakes.
Ice cream, big mistake ice cream.
So then order the pancakes. I was waiting for the pancakes to come. At this stage, the girls were like, you know, they weren't on the seats anymore.
They were like roaming around. They were like Lola was.
Walking into white stuff. As I was trying to bring up, you know, because the table we got with right next to where the kitchen was, so all the weight stuff are kind of coming out. And I got to say, one of the worst foods imaginable for kids is pancakes. Fine, my gripe is not with a pancake. My gripe is with maple syrup. Oh, whoever invented maple syrup should have said specifically, no kids, no kids.
Sticky. It's sticky everywhere. It's like honey.
It's just like honey. It's like when you get the honey out before you've even started pouring the honey. Honey is fucking everywhere. Dude's your hands on the bench top.
Well, when you go to pick the honey thing up, the honey is being stuck to the whatever bench it's on you. Like, hang on a second.
There's honey on like handles, there's honey on just you're going to you're going to bed. There's honey on your pillow. Like I didn't even come into.
My bedroom pillow. Different reason.
The pancakes come all of a sudden. Lowell is just like she's just dropping the cutlery.
The maple syrup is gone. Every maple syrup makes it stick to her. You're trying to say this holes in my story, Yeah, anyway is flipping about with it.
So there's just maple syrup every where. Of course I didn't bring the wipes. Was it like a It was like a ramikin. It was a rectanging, fancy pan.
It was just one of those ramakans. What did you call it? What is a ramikin?
A ramikin is a small ceramic dish that's designed for baking traditional French desserts. No, No, it's from maple syrup. All right, got it?
Thank you?
Anyway, so Laura's covered had to tell maple syrup. She's dripping in maple syrup right now. She's she's just yeah, the ramikin is just Ramikin's gone ass up. Laura's drenched in maple syrup and like daddy, hell they drink it. No, Lola just everywhere. And then she also was like she's now like completely against the pancakes. She's just like I don't want pancakes. Yeah, She's like I never wanted them.
Yeah. They think jam jam is also jam is delicious. If there's what there's one thing kids hate, it's being sticky. They do oscar walked in last night. I don't know what he'd have. He was at Popper's, walked in and he's like, I need a white I was like, wow, yes, my heads are sticky.
Just be like, don't you worry.
Don't sticky. So it was a disaster. It was what you thought would be a nice moment.
Anything sticky should not be near a toddler.
Absolutely agree.
By the time the girls had like had enough, then my meal came, so I had to like scoff in a couple of mouthfuls of bacon and eggs and then getting back in the car and got back home.
And it was midnight.
It was I was like, that's like, what was I thinking?
Make it yourself? Who?
Who the fuck did I think? I was expecting to have a fun experience with maple syrup and pancakes at a cafe on my own with the two kids, without.
That guy in the mirror. Next time, when you're like you are a good dad, be like, but is this the right decision for me? There's no good time to take risks with the kids, never, especially when you're on your own. I always say that, I've always said that piece of advice. If there's any like, if there's any risk involved, just put the TV on. Let them watch pancakes on YouTube. Much cleaner result, Matt, I do have
something to tell you. It might come as a surprise, or you might have seen the business bank account and thought, where's this money? April's pregnant? No, I've had a second me if she's pregnant? Who is he?
I haven't looked at the account. Can I just hang on a second?
I want to apologize in advance. I am known for a rational spending.
Sorry the face, there's one thousand dollars missing?
Is that all? Well? Let's go with that. Yeah, there's more than that missing. But yes, we've made it, my friends, we have finally made it.
We agreed that any big ticket purchase was one that we would both agree with a grief. We have a joint account.
It has to be unanimous. Will you agree to that? I didn't. What have you spent the money on? Will I be annoyed? No? Okay? Well, actually I'm going to say I'm giving back to the community just to try and smooth this over. Okay, explain we now are proud sponsors of a football team.
Okay, because you did for a period. For a period is it Manly? Because you know you can sponsor a player on Manly?
I wish it was. We couldn't afford that. Okay, that you would have gone?
How much was the Manly sponsorship?
Twelve and a half grands?
Yeak great?
Only for one player for home games.
So we haven't got that.
We haven't got that. So we haven't got sorry, Brooksy. How we going? Have we gone to?
Like the new South Wales Cup?
No? Like one below? What did? Like?
What division?
Is it? It's football? Though it's football, it's rugby union. I sponsored a team that we could afford, the Lambie Jets who are the Lamby Jets. Well they're an under sixteen that Oscar plays in. So now, like I said, I'm giving back. Look, I'll tell you the real story. There was these group of under six year old kids who really really wanted to play football, but no one could afford to play. So we stepped in as two doting dads of the community and have now paid for
this team to be a part of the competition. Community service. We're giving back to our community.
Okay, we sponsor we now we own.
We don't own them. Be mindful of that we sponsor them. Okay, we're their major sponsor, granted their only sponsor, but that makes us their major sponsored by default.
Look, there's a lovely sentiment behind this sponsorship. I'm not gonna argue with that. I think it's great.
What do we like?
What's the What do we get as part of the sponsorship?
Are we get them? We get to see the smile on those kids. Did we just pay for the registration fees for all the kids? Yeah, they got and we paid. We bought them jumpers. Okay, let's say two don't dads.
Can we get the kids to make the jumpers?
That it's called Child Labor Matt And we didn't sponsor a child labour team. Maybe next year, but they have, we have started, but Grant has been raining a lot, so we I will keep you updated on the team's success because I'm nothing if I'm not going to be able to update you on their success. Who's the coach? Look that that varies at the moment. The coach is the is the head coach for the North Sydney Bears, So he's qualified. That's Zach Zach. Yes, I know Zach Yah.
Zach's lovely credentials very high.
Does he have a kid or did we just rope him in?
What's the best answer for that? He has a kid? His kids the captain hang the deal?
Hang on a second part of the deal.
Macy also plays.
Macy also plays off that one. And does does she actually play or is she just like she's just there?
She's like she's like number one cheerleader. It's very cute. Okay, I will get footage. I will share it with the listeners to see how let them know how they're going. Some of them listen to us already. But I thought it was the most perfect marketing ploy. I did spend a lot of money on stubby coolers and jumpers for everyone in the community. But that's okay because it's it's.
It's a good it's a it's a when it's getting the it's the getting the name out there.
Yeah, okay, oll next episode, I'll bring some stubby coolers in for the.
Do the kids they what are they playing for?
Do they play?
Do they win a trophy?
Again? I mean, but if I've got more good now, if.
I'm going to sponsor a team, I want that team to be at the top.
They're elite of the compe six year olds that we want to Okay, great, okay, but also you have signed you up to do a job. You are the water boy, the love water. You've got to drive all the way to a lamby on Friday nights. The good thing is they have a sausage sizzle. Okay, we may or may not have paid for that, and an open bar with Stonewoods. We may or may not have paid for that too.
I thought, this is my thinking behind it, to run me through your thought process thought one giving back the community. It's like a low tier why I did it? High tier of why I actually did it is I don't want to sit it on a Saturday morning watching my kid play a sporty fucking hates Okay, no one wants to do that. It's cold, it's raining. Sometimes I drive past those people and think, not yet, wait till he's older.
But this competition happens to be on a Friday night or afternoon, which includes beverages and the sausage that we may not have paid for and the beers that we may have made have paid for. So it's a win win for me. Is April happy? No? When is she ever? Have? No? She is happy except for when it's cold up there, okay in the hills. But anyway, there we go. We've made the crack that time we've been talking about it for ages.
Has the deal been done as a contract science and the jumpers made?
Yes? Okay, fuck done, it's done. It's a done deal. Congratulations. I look forward.
I look forward to going on Friday and seeing my investment in person.
You will probably be did.
I have a little issue with Lola at the moment with bedtime? It's a little it's a little hack.
You gotta know that parenting hack.
This is a parenting hack ash that may change your life.
Go for it okay. So my issue with Lola is that she gets up quite a lot, as we know from Laura's four minutes away.
She tries to claim that it's up to seven times in evening. But Lola wakes up, she wants.
A bottle of water, warm water. She's very thirsty warm water.
It's a problem and it just sucks because you know, we want that the deeply, we want the rem sleep. We can't get it because lock it's waking us up.
Camelback. Well, you're on the right track. Here's a solution. Are you serious. That's what you give pet rabbits slash toddlers. I'm just gonna say it. That's fucked up. Why is it fucked up? Well, because that's what you give the household pet that lives in a cage. The water is water. That ain't right.
Look how happy the kid is. For anyone who does not quite understand what we're talking about, they've got it looks like a rabbit. Yeah, like what you'd give a hamster or a guinea pig. And it's been zip tied to the backboard like the back bed frame, so the child can wake up and at any moment throughout the night ash suck on the end, they can simply lean over and get h two.
Oh, what about a water bottle? Both my kids have water bottles.
But what happens when the water bottle gets empty?
Look back up? How much water is she drinking at night? Camelback? That that is not on. I'm just gonna say it. If I go upstairs, one of them going to be attached to your kid's bed.
Your line of what's acceptable and what's not is so hard to judge.
I like to keep it spicy, you know.
Let's go to the segment. Let's get into it.
That is fucked. I'm just saying that.
We're getting into the segment. I'm just I'm annoying. You don't like my my parenting hat.
How are you going to do it? I've done it. So let's get petty couples out. Petty couple, Welcome down the street. Petty couple. They cannot like it with me, dirty couple. I love you, but immit you, no one can push me quite like you. All right, Matt. This is the segment where people send in the petty things that they do this to significant other, whether it's malice or not. I do not mind.
Have you had much pettiness this week, ash and eating petty. That's worth mentioning.
I'm working on some things. Oh, don't want to give it away. No, I did something quite petty.
Oh yes, I feel like I'm always the one filling up the car. Whenever I get in the car, it's always like the lights on and it's it's not that big of a deal. I get that. But I jumped into Laura's car. We swapped cars and Laura's cars driving it around for the day. The light came on and I was like, do you know what it's time? You've hel up the car.
Laura cheers to that. My friend cheers to that.
I will say I knew she had enough left in the tank to get her to work.
I've done a similar thing where I've got in the car car.
Wait, can I just say, if you saw Laura's stories actually broke down recently in the tunnel, was not me?
Not related? April Leaves does the same thing and I'm get in and because it's got the countdown of how long's there, I thought sixty k's I got heaps, But I knew she had to get up and go to the gym in the morning at like an ungodly hour that she does. So I didn't fill it up and got it down to like enough for her to be like, am I going to make it or not? Five in the morning. She made it, but it would have been that initial and I did it to be petty.
And that's why we love our partners, because these are the games we can play.
Until they leave us. Can I go first? Can I go first? That sounded it? Can I have some more? Please? Excuse me? Can I go first? Can I go first? Young Matthew? This one's from Emma go on. One day, my husband said we need to start eating healthier and cooking healthier. It's a common argument. Don't put it on your wife. You do it, mate, Yeah, and then she's puts him back it. Trust me, what we eat is healthy enough. Very good, Emma, Very good for you for
having variation balance in your diet. I hate cooking at the best of time. So this is what I made him for dinner. What is it? It's a carrot shaped and a rude finger. I thought that was salmon for a second, like sashimi.
No, it's if he's.
Getting sashimi for dinner. If he's getting just carrots, then where's the protein.
I think would be more infuriating if you're already delivering delicious meals that are healthy, I want healthier.
I don't know what's healthier than a carrot? Tell you what, nothing asked.
This one is from Jessica Keegan Keigan. I don't know if we just said it, Jesus balad for anyone wondering. Ash sent me a video of a young TikToker. All she does is mud of the words Ash, take it away salad, chicken caesar salad.
For those adults are listening who will not know what that means, I'm a child.
It's very addictive. Worth a watch, Okay. After a disagreement, Jessica says with her husband, I cut the bristles off his toothbrush. But then she'd forgotten that she did it until until it was the next morning when he went to brush's teeth, and then he found out what she'd done. Ended in tears of laughter, of laughter all fun and games.
Everyone's having a good time, having a good time.
And that's what this game is about. Having fun. Absolutely no one's no one's getting offended.
But if they are, I also want to know. Very good Matt should we just finish on some question. Oh, I will ash if I may just very quickly Ash.
We did a little a real on our Instagram and I want to say it was quite funny. It was it was about the perfect evening. Oh yes, what what partners can do? And it was, you know, the perfect evening would be for us. It would be putting the kids to bed, pouring our wives a glass of wine, ordering thie, and then giving them a sweet treat later when we see sweet treat. We won't go into details.
Up to interpretation. Yeah, but you know what I'm doing.
You know what I'm talking about. And I out of interest, I put the call out there and said, hey, for you people on social media people.
What would be the dream evening? And I've got met galleryesh I go you people I got, I said.
I said to the good, the good people of social media friends. I said to our friends, thank you, thank you. I said, my friend, what.
Makes you happy? What makes you happy? What would be.
Your dream evening? And the varied responses okay, I got from people, give me a mixture.
I don't want to say names. This One person just wrote anal I'm sorry I wrote that in.
The fucking dishes.
Someone someone needs to see a counselort.
This one says she wants a massage that doesn't end with the expectation of sex afterwards.
Newsflash, no such thing. In my defense.
In my defense, I sometimes give Laura a massage with absolutely no intention for it to end up that way. But sometimes when you're massaging the back of a beautiful woman who happens to be my.
Wife, things slip in.
I get excited, excited, but I can imagine sometimes it's nice to receive a gift without the expectation to have to give something in return. Got a lot of people asking for foot rubs, and this person says, nap pizza, sex, that is Allang, that's good, and she goes.
She goes pizza, then she has ps.
I've not had a partner for five years, so that would be the dream right now. This one says, leave me alone? Is that from me from April Wicks? Oh good, good good fresh linen on the bed.
Yeah, that's on April special. That one another one here, so much feet rubbing. Everyone wants their feet rubbed hot in here.
When's Laura coming home? Bring those size twelve feet of hers home? She has beautiful flippers. But the majority of these, like this is the most standard one. Empty the dishwasher, hook dinner, give me massage, put the kids to bed, and then a massage massage of the I picked that up vaginal area.
Yeah, but this is basic needs. This is this is.
So the bar is low for any man out there who are like, what.
Do I get um doing? What do I do? Just like, just answer the.
Take the bin out and then rub.
Some feet vagina or of a china with your feet. That is that is it?
Hey, to those people who have just informed you're welcome to their partners, you're also welcome. I can only imagine when this comes out the amount of foot rubs that I happening all around Australia.
Do you guys play this little piggy the other time? No?
Actually she loves the toes being pulled. Anyway, Enough about that, it's got let's got a listen of questions.
This is a question from Melissa. But also I'm strng with the same thing I'm always seem to be struggling with this one fucking thing. Alice wants to know how does she get her kids to sleep in their own bed? I have no fucking idea. Okay me either, because I Oscar seriously bro.
What I was told by some parents ash, which is advice that I didn't even remotely try and follow at all. The First time the kids come into your bed, you've got to be very stern from the beginning. You've got to put them back into their bed and you go. That's You've got to set the expectation there is no place for them in your bed.
I thought all my farting would deter them. No, they seem to draw them in quicker.
The issue with that, though, is that I always take the path of least resistance, go into that. So if they want to come into my bed like whatever, it doesn't bother me.
It does bother me, though. It does because he headbuts me. He laughs in his sleep like some sort of freak. Just keeps me awake. It's driving me crazy.
Why didn't you, Why didn't you when Oscar first came into your bed, Why don't you quickly put them back into his bed and say, Oscar, this bed is yours, Stay out of mind.
That's a very good follow up question, Matt. I really appreciate that I didn't, because they share a room. Him and mazy, so if I take him back, he'll carry on wake her up.
I feel like that's a common fear for parents out there.
It is we just go path of least resistance. So, Melissa, I don't have an answer for you. Matt has some sort of advice you got from someone but never implemented it. So maybe you can implement that and give us enough. I would.
I would try that. Otherwise, lock your door. What if this emergency, We'll deal with that as it comes.
Absolutely fully agree, lock the door. You could just time to the bed.
Just an idea, there's the solution. Next question, this is an interesting one. I don't know if this is just a boy thing. My girls don't do this. Her name is Everly, and she says, how do I stop my five year old from whipping it out and pinging on the bedroom carpet. You've got a dog, you're five years you've been mistaken, and you've taken a dog home from the hospital.
How did he learn to do that first of all? Or was she just like taking upon himself to be like that looks like anice patch of carp But I'm going to piss on.
That's a weird habit. That's a weird habit. I've never heard of kids like like willfully pissing, just insighting every now and then Lola, who doesn't wear a nappy during the day, she'll be really into a game and she just she'd like, will wait so long, and then as she's like running to the toilet, she's like and then she'll just stand and she'll like wear herself.
And slip it. And I'm like, what are you doing?
No, I don't, I says, I say. If you say, WHOOPSI daisy pants, I never would never do that.
Na, But no, I don't know kids not wilfully just like whipping it out. That's an interesting one. Well, thankfully I have a solution, So everybody listen, hit me. Treat it like a puppy, I would say, so, like you know, when you have a new puppy. If also those of you don't puppy pad, maybe try a puppy pad, do you know? Okay, I got one, so it's like a sense and then slowly move the puppy pad closer to the toilet.
When I when I started potty training, when we I should include Lawa in this because she was involved when we started potty training. I remember it was like every half an hour, you have to take the kids to the toilet, sit them down and try and make them we and if they don't we.
You do squeeze them. I just say, like, squeeze the out of them. When they do the wei, you have to absolutely shower them pardon the pun with praise just like they love and show them.
I mean, Lola loves more than anything. She loves like a good job. At the moment, she's still wearing nappies at nighttime. Yeah, and every now and then she will have a night where the nappy is dry and we're like lo la, lo la, and we're all like Miley cheers as well. It's like we make a big deal
out of it, and she loves it. But then it's hard because sometimes she'll like clearly have pissed through the nappy because she has like eight bottles of water during the night, and she's like, I didn't know, I didn't piss on my nappy last night, And I'm like, are you sure about that?
And she said, yeah, didn't it And then she tries to take it off, yeah, put it in and put it in the bin, and I'm like, where's.
Your nap She's like, I don't know, didn't wear one, Give me my chair, give it to me.
So what you're saying, do you get this? Every time this kid doesn't piss on the carpet, I.
Would say, when they piss in the toilet, you gotta you've got to cheer that stuff on. That's like give praise, reward the good behavior.
There you go, that's pretty good vice. Thank you, thank you for we live a dislamer.
If it doesn't work, absolutely no responsibility taken. There you go, Ash, we should get out of here.
We should have. But before we get out of here, we are running a little competition. Thanks yeah, little little com every week, bro, every week, every week. I also just sponsored football team without telling you. So this is fair. We're even.
We're giving away a case of beer.
We are a case of beer a week. And all you have to do is follow Stone and Wood, follow two doting dads on Instagram, tag us in a story of you listening to us, and we will pick one at random. Yeah, and you get a case of beer send to your house. It's that simple, so easy.
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Thanks guys, Bye bye.
Two Doting Dads podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and the connections to land, sea and community.
We pay our respects to their elders past and present and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torrestrate Islander peoples today. This episode was recorded on gadigal Land