#57 Big Easter Blow Out, Toddler Cravings, Gender Disappointment

Can I tell you what sucks about being middle aged?

Now you're middle age?

I am go people, I'm thirty six. People die at seventy.

I hope I die seventy. Hope long before seventy.

Don't wish for those kind of things.

I told you sixty five.

I'm tapping out. So you're middle aged, I'm halfway dead.

Welcome back to two doting dads. I am Mattie Jay and I'm This is a podcast all about parenting. It's the good, the bad, and the relatable. And if you have come wanting any type of advice, I'm going to stop you right now.

Unless you want some advice on how to not get domestic injury.

Then sit down and get comfortable, and I will just say a warm welcome to all the non parents who listen in. They are there an.

Audience trying to tick all the boxes.

My domestic injury was. I went to the gym trying to get back into waits had a great.

How long were you waiting?

Oh my god, had a great set overhead overhead press, second set, didn't exert too much, got off a machine and I was like, fuck dumb. My neck again, my neck from fucking two sets of overhead press. Welcome to middle age.

Yeah, we spoke about this the other day. To remember domestic injuries. You never used to get them, but now thirty plus.

I was coming back from going through drive.

Through KFC O love KFC. Just gonna put that out there. This is not a sponsorship.

Was it the payment or the receipt? There were two areas where you can get an injury.

It was getting the zinger box off the passenger seat to get out of the driver's door. So I went like that to lean over, leaned over, threw my back out. I was literally bedridden for days. Disney Box was delicious.

These injuries. They linger gotta watch out. I'm fragile, I'm weak, I'm precious.

Let's crack a beer to that, then to being precious.

This will toughen me up.

Put hairs on your chest.

Cheers, cheers, my friend, It's good to see you.

Mmmm. That's delicious. What is that right now?

Can people guess what we're drinking is a stone will? But try and gas right now? What it is?

Uh?

Huh you wrong?

It is a hinter Land Hazy Pale out which was a limited release Matt, but now he's going to.

Be part of their core range.

Call add that to the other great beers that they have.

Yes, Stone woud announce that this started this month.

They were like they did.

Yes, they were teasing us, teasing us with his limited release beers. But now she is here to stay. She's one of the family.

You could say, yes and best enjoyed fresh out of the refrigerator, just like the ones we are drinking today.

Ashle, I'm gonna put on the spot here and see if you can guess.

One of the hops Galaxy from Tasmania.

Also, yeah, they also saw it from Victoria. I believe.

I believe, we believe.

In addition to that, it's got the eclipse and the vic secret Hops. It's a secret that is what creates the golden haze and full bodied finish.

Yeah.

So that's juicy, vibrant and flushed with tropical fruit o rimas. We'd like to thank Stone and Wood, as we do every week, for making this episode possible. Cheers to the cheers, Yes, cheers.

I want to ask you something I did a little real arrogant, but I thought it was quite funny, Ash. It was based on how you react when your wife says we should snuggle after the kids are in bed.

I did see that.

I don't normally light a candle for sex.

Also, why not?

I mean we don't we normally. I like a little bit of light. I tend to leave the lights. We turn the on sweet bathroom light on and have the door slightly Ajar, you've got.

Well sometimes it's weird because his house have dimmers.

No, because the dimmers, even when the dimmers are low, it's that's too bright. We like to have a little bit of light in the room.

You want to see what you do.

Yeah, you know, I don't want it to be pitch black.

Imagine like eating in the dark.

Weird.

Yeah, you make mistakes. So I made a joke in the caption of that video and I said, I hope she's ready for the best six minutes, yes, And then I was curious to know. I was like, because a lot of people were like, well, six minutes, that's pretty generous. Stop bragging.

That's a good innings.

When we have sex nowadays, and this is post to children, it's vastly different from when we used to have sex before kids. Time is money, Yes, Ash, I like the spontaneity of just having sex in the moment. Do you know what I mean? Like, often, as a married couple with two children, the most frequent time we have sex

They don't come up.

Hopefully this grabs their attention for five minutes.

Okay, so you're going for distraction that.

Is like once in a blue moon.

April would never I.

Know, Laura is not keen on it.

She hates I have a friend who actually told me a story that he he did that.

I was shocked and I'm like, how are you kids distracted?

For thirty minutes? He said thirty minutes? He said thirty minutes. He said thirty minutes, and I was like, what the fuck?

He's like an ultra runner.

Anyway, same thing.

But I was shocked. I was like, how did your missus allow that? Because I would be all for it. April will be like nah.

There is a level of anxiety with kids that increased the pleasure, not that I've done this.

This is a podcast about sex.

It's like having sex in public. It's like the fear of being caught. Not that I'm not into that, especially not by my children.

Yeah, that's the last thing we need. What are they going to do though, I mean.

Just it's gonna it's just got to rid of ruin the mood for the weekend. Although it has also become more complicated now in my household.

Because ms.

I can hear you out there, and she she's a night out, she's up late, she stays up till like midnight.

Oh my god, see then, and.

She loves a chat, loves the chat, loves also putting a doco that we're going to watch together. And so sometimes if we're upstairs and.

She's just like a chaperone, She's like, I found the doco.

Come downstairs.

I'm like, I'm balls deep up here.

Can you shut up?

Okay? But yes, I put the question out there and I asked people how long does sex last with your partner? And I was more so trying to direct this towards people who are in long term relationships and ideally those who have kids, because that's where things really change. And I said five minutes, are under five to ten minutes? Ten to twenty or over twenty minutes? What do you think? Was the most common answer?

Ash ten to twenty.

Close Over three and a half thousand people said that they're having sex between five to ten minutes. Okay, But then a lot of people were arguing, or does that include four play?

And my response, what the hell's that? What do you mean?

We're not dating?

But what are you talking about? I said, we're married with kids?

Who has type of four player?

Am I right?

If you do it doesn't fall into.

The heck on the cheek and a high five and then it game.

On four players? Me taking my clothes off lucky.

April, but ten to twenty Just over three thousand people said ten to twenty one.

How many people said twenty minutes or more?

April one vote April, which yeah, well we had one thy two hundred people say over twenty minutes over twenty.

They are Egyptian because they live in.

Denial, well said, Well said for me, I think we're looking at about an average of about seven minutes.

Maybe that's acceptable.

What are we looking at for yourself when we're having a little pleasure?

Well, we only do one way. Now, what's that prefers? Cowgirl? Okay, so about twenty to thirty seconds, it's over.

Nah, but I can't tell her if you've.

Been mate who says that he squeezes his stomach in deterrent to not finish.

Squeeze the stomach like he like, sell.

Rabs it like he And I was, I was like, what the fuck is You've got to help bruise there?

Now?

I'm like, doesn't hurt?

He's like, that's the point.

Mind you.

This guy's very single.

Why doesn't he.

If abel turn around, I'm squeeze in my stomach, she'd be like, what are you doing? Your freight? Okay? Realistically, oh sub five minutes.

I'm not hero.

For those individuals who do not have kids but like to listen to the podcast, who may be a little bit confused right now.

The issue with I don't blame you.

Like when you've had a long day and you've dealt with the kids, you know, the quicker, the better dinner time is a punished bath time. The kids hate getting in the bath, they love them being in the bar and then getting out of the bath.

It's just struggle after struggle, sick game.

They then suck just every last energy out of your body. I'm so exhausted when it comes time to reading that story, and then I can barely feed myself ash that exhausted. I sit there at the coffee table and I've just got I've got nothing left. Yeah, and then to try and get back on top of the horse, it's I don't have time. I don't have time.

I'm sure that a lot of people are listening to this right now and relating.

And Laura is the same. She's exhausted, she's working twelve jobs right now.

She wants just easy to just go to bed.

We always have a peck good night. And if Laura gets any if Laura gets any more than just a simple peck, She's.

Like, don't come on to me.

He's like, what do you think you're doing? Yeah, and I'm like what what what? I'm like, I'm just giving you a nice kiss.

The other day, I'll give us a coun just like no, like why, She's like, I know what you want, Like, no, I don't. I don't want that, but also I do.

Want they can read us like a book. In my head, I'm like, just give her a little or like a little longer, peck on the cheek.

Up on the bum and she's like she know, she'll go, you know what on my period. I'm like, WHOA, just trying to show you some affections. She's like, no, you're not.

Can't husband's if their wives a passionate tap on the shoulder.

Like a little like do that on my feet? Be like, no, thank you, I'm not touching those dogs.

How dare you talk about it feet like that?

Matt, Now, I don't know if you'd noticed that. On Monday, I attended the Easter Show with my children.

I did notice that.

And I also took my sister and my niece.

Oh you took the full family?

Yeah, how do you go?

Big?

No? Good?

It's actually good. They do a very good job out there.

They do it very were the kids excited, they know it.

Very excited. So the night before got YouTube out to highlights of last year's Easter Show.

Just to get them popped up, so they were happy.

They were already rare and go.

Did you use the threat of not going to the Easter Show as a way of disciplining them or getting them to behave.

Yeah, where we're all going to go? And you're not coming, You're not coming.

Yeah, you can say I had to.

I had to. That's part of it's the fun of being a parent.

If I did, that's why we do this.

If I couldn't do.

That, I wouldn't want to your parent. Okay, now, very good. I am surprised at how well the kids behaved the whole time, really looking forward, except for like Macy loves petting zoo. He does shot no shockingly because if there's a bug in Macy's room, she'll scream and point and she's like like to the point where you have to get if it's on the roof, you're going to move her bed, get this tiny bug off the steel.

She's into the pettings, but loved it.

Oscar hated it, but or Macy was like walking around patting them, laughing at big thick like big ones like things.

I'm like, oh, Lamas, and it's a really really good petting uo.

They got there. It's huge.

The animals are into it.

Well, I guess they have to be because they get fed.

It's great.

I've got Macy enjoying it, and Oscar got like pick me up, pick me up, holding him and just like chotring On has it always been like that is no, I don't know.

Something's happened.

I don't know. But anyway, other than that, really really well behaved. We saw all the animals, went to the horses. He was a bit scared of the cows because of how big theyre. Fucking huge, those cows award winning cows.

You forget how big cows really are.

You do you're doing tol You will pass one that's that big and you're like, holy, that's not.

That big piece.

We've had a knife and fork in a bit.

Did they make the connection. It's always a little bit tricky when like the padding a chicken and they're like, they're so cute, and then they're like I want chicken nuggets and they're like, hang on a second.

The chickens like excuse me now. One person who was not behaved was me. Take yourself back to a couple of days ago where I said I need to fix this rig.

Yeah, you sent me a photo of your backside and you said I need to fix this, and I said, you look great. You don't need to fix anything. We've had quite.

A fun month, let's say a fun month of the.

Trip to Vegas full of burgers, burgers, you know, the cans again, chippies, pizzas, pizzas, beers, sounds.

We've been living the good life. And I said to you much was a dangerous month.

Yes, yes, And I said, look, I've got like a month between now and when I've got some other stuff on that I that I want, you know, I just want to like fix the rig. So I went into the Easter Show eight before I left the house, ate something quite healthy, like some eggs and protein and blah blah blah, get ready to do some kilk kilometers. And it's like when you go to the zoo. As soon as you get there, your legs hurt and you're hungry immediately.

It's like when you go to the shop, something to do with the lights.

I get hungry and I'm like, I want a kebab.

I want to Ali Barber kebab immediately in my mouth and those chips.

That's it. Quit the record.

We're going to Ali Baba.

And I was like, okay, I'm not gonna I'm not going to eat too badly until I walked literally physically walked in and I was like, well, I'm just fucking starving.

Now.

It's ten thirty in the morning. Now, I just want to run you through.

BASI was like patting a little piglet, and you're like, just.

We hadn't got to it. We hadn't even got to the It was literally the first food truck.

As soon as I walked in, I.

Was like, oh, spoken like a true dad.

We'll get through what.

I ate over the course of the day.

You mind you. I was home by four pm, so ten thirty to four pm.

This is what was on the menu for Ashway.

Okay, here we go. First thing to start.

With the little coke zero, right, you love a coch.

Just like wet the paltte, wet.

The palette, but alongside that cleanse the palate, alongside zero Schnitzelberger. Next thing, Dagwood dog German sausage, Jesus homemade lemonade, a large one. Okay.

Then I finished that off with a bit of ribs.

Whoa half or what how many ribs we talking?

That's half rack of ribs. I'm not judging, Okay. Chicken skewers, sarte chicken skewers, the extra sauce. They're lovely. That was delicious. Corn on a stick. You've got tymes too, you've got a chip on a stick times two fairy floss on a stick, also gosly May donut on a stick, followed up by another goslet May a meat one, this time because the veggie one was very good, the meat one awesome.

Grand total, it's about two hundred.

And thirty something dollars worth of food that I ate at the Easter Show. Oops.

I literally could not stop eating.

Remember we're coming back from Vegas and you're like, fucking hell, you've eaten all days is all you've done.

There's two modes with you. You're either fasting. You'll have like a drink in the afternoon and that's all you have for the entire day, or you're just this machine tuning, just opening the dollar and just letting everything come in.

I pretty much did the Easter Show tour of food trucks.

Did April say anything? Was she?

She wouldn't dare anyway.

So when you say you finished Oscar's ice cream, is that because he couldn't finish it? Or you're just like I was like.

I say, you go.

He left it out.

Also, he can't work out the structural integrity of ice cream. Okay on a cone. Okay, if you're eating a cone, you need to lick around it to keep it standing tall. He can't quite work that out. Tries to lick the top falls over. So I was like, you know what, I'm taken that and finish the ice cream.

Now I know that I'm not the only man.

To eat his way through the East Show like this.

I guarantee you and I saw it.

There were dads everywhere walking around pulling those trolleys that had pre made lunches and stuff in them for the kids and whatever. But dad's holing into a dagwood dog.

I got a jumbo dagwood dog. Thing was fucking huge.

It was like that big how many inches well, boost of how many inches I have, I would say it's similar to about twelve to thirteen inches. I don't know. It was big, full of better full of Tomo sauce.

Do you know what, Sometimes you just need to treat yourself.

I also had a hot dog that I just remembered. Anyway, all the.

Vendors there are like we've had record profits.

Well, do you know who has a truck there? Chebo has a truck there?

Who's that again?

You know? Chevo does the burgerscho But I I messaged him in the morning saying I'm coming to see and he was like, fatten down that.

More beef.

I couldn't find him, so they're still in business.

I'm just imagining like they do the Parade of animals, like because the cows are on show and I'm.

Just sitting there with a knife and walking that and.

Like you're like walking onto the pitch and they're like, who the hell is this guy? And you're just like gnawing on a live cow. Just work.

I've got one for me and one for milk.

Where's my prize, daisy?

Hell yeah. Anyway, other than that, each the show was very good. Kids fell asleep in the car at the most awkward time on the way home, so they were up all night.

Probably I'm so tired still two days later.

That explains a lot that does. But hey, from this moment on and again, you don't need to fix anything. Nothing's broken. But you've had You've had your fun. Now it's time it's time to knuckle down.

I'm getting fat shamed in my own No, no, not here, I'm getting fat shamed. I'm glad you had fun, honestly the most fun I've had in a while. The food, Oh, I knew I was going to fail as soon as I walked in.

There are you going back?

And the first thing, I'm just going back for food. I'm going back for lunch.

It's a good thing is out at Olympic Park and not more local to where you are.

Oh, I'm getting the food shipped over.

Uber Eats.

Hey, look, i'd love to get your opinion on this, yep, because I feel like, well, based on how you feel about Christmas, I think you'll feel quite strongly about this date in particular Easter Easter.

Yeah, okay, we're talk part of the four day We're talking Festival of Chocolate. Do you hate?

I just hate the whole fucking thing.

Yeah, it's a bit like that.

This is very controversial. But hey, I'm going to say it. I hate Easter.

I applaud you. Takes a big man to admit that.

I never used to hate Easter. You know, I've got to finished record early today because I've got an Easter hat parade.

Oh that's ridiculous.

But yes, I don't know if any of the early educators from my daycare are listening, they may be. I think it is a lovely gesture doing an Easter hat parade, and ours is better than the ones that other people do because previously you had to make your own Easter hat.

That's the phase what I'm in.

Yeah, and that's and like, so you didn't have to make yours. No, thank god they provided them. They make them, the kids make it and they lead up too, which is just that greade should be done.

Trying to figure out how you hate it so much?

Well, because I hate it because well.

April the last two days been halfing on about making this Easter hat. Okay at me because apparently it's my fucking job to do. So I got all the materials this morning.

Where did you get the materials from?

Just from some shit two dollars shop? And then I walk downstairs and she's got the super glue out. It's all over the table and her hands stuck to the fucking table just exactly, and she's stuck to the table and then stuck to her is like all this shit, and I was just.

Trying to figure out what's going on. But anyway.

So, well, that's the problem. I think parents have enough going on. The last thing they need to absolutely fucking unravel the week is the responsibility of making an Easter hat that's going to be on display for every other parent to fucking judge.

Like, you sound like you lost an Easter hat parade.

Well no, So what we used to do at the old daycare is my sister, who is very artsy and crafty. We would have an Easter hat that would do the rounds ah. It was like a slut of an easter hat. It went around it every day care. Everyone passed it around.

They all went to different daycares.

Yeah, so we would like to get away with it. But by the time we would get it though, would be manky. It was like it had seen better days. It had been used and abused.

April's friend used to make ours because she's real mumsy.

What would you give her in return?

What was her nothing? She just loved it.

That's weird.

But she didn't do it this year, and now I'm off it.

Well, she's probably listening, So if you're listening, get back to it next year. I want them, I want a couple of them.

I just I just think it's okay. So the good thing about the Easter Hat parade today is the fact that the kids have made it already. We're coming in. We don't have to bring anything, but you know, normally you're paying for daycare until like five five point thirty. We've got to get there early. We're going to get there early for the East to Hat parade swindled, which the kids, Let's be honest, they're all petrified walking out into like the outside. All the parents are there looking at them.

And it's not like you can be like, oh, that was good parade, see your kids. Seeing in another two hours.

Take the kids. So then all of a sudden, you're doing like almost a half day of daycare.

There's all these parents out there right now listening to you tell this story, going fucking dare they I'm glad someone's standing up for us.

Cancel, yeah, jesus. Okay. Then in addition to that, let's be honest, East Long Weekend is an absolute asshole of a weekend.

Oh yeah, all of a sudden, the population grows by like three or four times.

Everyone is like, oh my god, we've got popped up on chocolate. We've got two extra days on the weekend. Let's pack up the car with every belonging that we have. Let's put the couch in there, the TV, the fishing rods, where's Nana? Put her on the back as well, and let's drive three hours away. Because it's every every.

Bond the same. It's always three somewhere between two and a half and three hours.

Traffic is an absolute bloody nightmare. Like the moment you leave your driveway, you just don't stand still traffic.

What about those people who can't afford to go away?

Man, you better thank your lucky stars. You're the lucky one. Traffic sucks.

It's brutal. It's a shit weekend.

It's also it's a religious weekend.

What's your point.

I'm not really except for that time my mum faked for me to be Catholic to get into that Catholic school. But that's the only time I've ever been religious. But then it's like, are we basing a whole.

Weekend now around something one?

Something that doesn't exist?

Whoa, whoa, sorry you got kids in the car. Let me just a little trigger warning here.

The Easter bunny Matt.

Is written in the Bible.

He's pooping out chocolate eggs. There's something wrong with that, bunny.

Yeah. The fact that kids aren't.

Questioning I don't know, man, I don't know.

But yes, I'm essentially eating rabbit shit.

I'm with you. I'm not as outspoken about Easter as I am Christmas because I kin't of just have forgotten about it until the two or three days before.

Thank good.

Also, I love chocolate.

And it's and the I guess hot Cross buns I think are great. I think we should have Holt Cross buns.

All year round, just the fruit ones.

Or have you had the chocolate one of chalk chip?

Sure?

Or no full chock like a double chok? Yeah?

No, I've had of the chuck chip. I think they're a great thing. When people complain that the hot Cross bunds have come out early, I'm like, why are we complaining about something good that's more accessible.

I don't know.

It doesn't make any sense.

Because people love to find things that complain about.

So I think from now on, from this moment on, we will no longer take trips away during Eastern But also, I guess maybe this is adding to it, is the fact that Laura is leaving me this weekend.

She going away.

She's going away on her own.

No kids, Easter weekend.

She's going to Bali for a week for work, divorce for work. So she's leaving me. And you know, I love I love having the kids on the weekend. It's great.

I look forward to some sort of monster.

I do enjoy it. But then comes Sunday afternoon, I'm pretty excited to drop them off.

For day Monday morning, I'm like, yeah, it's a freedom, it is all about me now.

But but to make matters worse, and I think this is what is the main issue here. Okay, daycare fees, you know we're going to say're very expensive.

Can I just put a trigger warning in front of what you're going to say, because I know exactly what you're going to say.

I think we winged about this last year.

The fact that we're paying for Yeah, the kids go on Friday, I pay for that, both kids, Maley and Lola. And then Monday, public holiday, you're still pay You're paying for two kids to be at daycare.

Thank god, But do you know what they say, at least we help them make the Easter hats, and you shut I know I've seen do you know how many tiktoks. I've seen people winged about this.

I want to get on that train.

You get me in there, get your phone out and just start talking to your phones. Yeah, slipstream you in into the Easter Haunds like Maddie's standing up for us. If you're listening and your own or run a daycare center, give us a fucking break.

Give us a day in lou Give us a.

Day in Lou. Day in lou Open up on a Saturday or a Sunday. Just give us one day back. Public holidays when you're when you have kids in daycare, are the fucking worst days.

Get they've got. They've still got to pay their staff for that day, though they do, they do.

I will say once again to all the teachers you look after my kids. You're doing a great job, and I really appreciate you're sending me broke.

Let's add that to the list of piece people are going to be disgruntled by these podcasts. It's dentists, rural doctors, and now daycare teachers. We're not going to be allowed in any daycare, but I have.

And also fans of Paramatta Eels, oh yeah them too, who hate Ashley, who.

I've got many a death threat from Paramatta Eel fans.

Ash, I am, of course, referring to the fact that you were a little joyous and the fact that paramounta Eels have an injured player.

I wasn't joyous. I just said you.

Can thank us and mainly see eagle.

I did an eagle symbol and someone did send me a death threat and also a strongly worded email.

People are very passionate about footy.

Ash also get a life.

But yes, of course, Matt and you can watch every game of every round on KO which are ko. Everyone is welcome, of course, even if you only go for the team because they have the best mascot.

Who do you think has the best mascot in the NRL? Here's your pick.

Look, I think the most confusing mascot.

Is the Storm Terrible.

How does that work?

He's just a guy with a lightning bolt.

It wouldn't it be the Thunders.

I do like the Bunnies. I do like the Bunnies mascot Russell Crow. My favorite thing about going to Broncos games in Queensland and Brisbane was the fact they would have a horse horse up and down the sideline. The horse is probably petrified.

Oh yes, what's.

All this normal factory you talk about?

Bron This weekend man is action packed. There's a lot going on, so get on board. What do we got.

We've got the Japanese Grand Prix that is going to be three pm Australian Eastern Standard time, and with daylight savings ending on Sunday, which is the race day, it's going to be prime time for Aussies to watch that race. Not like the normal times you have to get up at all hours of the morning to night there.

I just wouldn't do it.

You're not a true fan like some of us. Like some of us, Yes, as there is also a massive weekend of NRL, your beloved Manly. They are up against remind me a formidable team.

The Raining champions Penrose Panthers.

At least it will be in four KA.

I can watch my team get decimated in four K. Good luck, I hope.

I'm actually planning on going to that game with Oscar his first ever game, so in true Manly fashion, I wanted to experience this point.

We also have Broncos up against the Storm and.

The Broncos are looking good, but do you know who returns this week.

Munster, he's back. The groin is it's repaired itself right now, it looks good. We also have Cowboys versus Titans, and the Raiders versus the Eels, and once again ash all live and in four.

K and no ad breaks during play.

Love that there is plenty on for everyone this week, so get on board with ko. It's now also available on Hubble and.

They do don't forget have that seven day free trial.

Thank you for reminding us.

Good, thank you for reminding us Aboutdalla's hoping it's ONNY on Sunday.

Matt, something I do want to I don't want to directly blame Maley, your eldest daughter, for something that now.

Would be very careful that Oscar does you word this sentence.

It's not a direct blame, because we'll climb out.

And no, she is a bit of a nightmare.

She's an enabler. She enable yet nightmare not so much.

She's lovely, she's very sweet, much better. I'm just gonna shit sandwich this. I've noticed that something Oscar has picked up from someone. I don't know if it's Marley, I don't know if he's picked it up from KINDI no other kids that Oscar hangs out with directly do this. And we have spoken about it before. It's not a secret that Marley sucks her thumb.

Oh she loves it. Oh yeah, it's a vice for sure.

So we did spend a week together on a cruise ship. We will very every meal together, every day together, the kids all together, all the time.

Oscar has never sucked his thumb ever.

Since then. And I'm not I'm not directly blaming Marley.

I think I blame Marley.

You blame her? Yeah, Okay, because I was trying to be nice. This morning was the last draw because I was like, I've seen it from a distance. I thought nothing, really too much of it, Like, okay, well I do I do.

Recall we were getting the taxi back to the airport and we're sitting there and he put his thumb in his mouth, and you were like, hey, what do you doing there, buddy? Get that thing out of there. Doesn't belong there. I feel like with Oscar, you know those friends that didn't do any drugs or like drink much alcohol in high school and they got to their thirties and then someone was like, hey, try a line.

Of casmthy We didn't go for anything real pg there.

We went for the hard stuff.

And they just go off the rails and it's when they get a taste of the good stuff that's Oscar for Oscar is essentially a thirty year old who's now smoking math.

Yea me and Oscar.

Yeah, so thanks for that.

Lola is addicted to the dummy. Yeah, Marley's addicted to the Sometimes maybe this may be bad, but she's really upset. I'm like, just suck your thumb and then she's like, oh that's better, Like it just calms her right down. Just suck them yeah, and she's like, oh, that's right. It's this this guy.

You mentioned addictions to dummy, which is not an obscure addiction, Like there's lots of kids out there that have to have their dummy. My kids have never had that. But Macy's picked up something that is and I'll call it an addiction, but it's only an addictions because we enabled it and we started it.

So Eclipse Mints.

You.

Love a mint? Can I just inform the listeners that where whenever we go out with Ash is his phone, his wallet and a sack of mints.

It's like a drug bag full of mint means it looks like it looks like it looks like pills. But we have them in the car all the time, and April, you think, I love Eclipse mints, the missus, so we have him in the car and I think one day Macy was like, I want one, and they're sugar free. Whatever I go to shut her up, we gave her one, and you know, it was nothing, It was nothing, It

Imagine if Marley's fingers dissolved anyway.

Sorry, don't need that kind of stress in my life anyway.

So it started like that.

And then when we were away the other day two when we went on that cruise, we flew up, we stayed somewhere.

So for that whole time it became something that she used.

We would use also to distract her, kind of like a bribe, but distracting it will keep her quiet for like ten minutes or something like that, and one turned into having to double fist it having two.

Oh god, And it was just like, oh, this is on holiday.

Do you ever worry that other people would look at her and be like, is that kid double fisting to eclipse mins?

Mind your business, That's what I say. Yeah, So I was like, this is a holiday thing. Yeah, it's fine, this is fine.

Holidays. Rules go out the window. Whatever, whatever keeps kids happy.

She's like a crack addict. Now, yeah, think about any drug addict activity that would do other than sucking dick in a bathroom. Sorry, so I've hidden them. She finds them because.

They rattle as well.

It's like she'll be upstairs and I'll rattle the mint. I don't have any on me.

It's the first time I love having had any mints.

Because MASI he's taken them.

Moments we're out of mints. She'll but like what she'll do.

I'll hear the chat the little kid's chair because she can't lift it up, so she's got to push it along the tiles. It makes that.

I'll hear it from upstairs.

I'll be like, are you freaking serious?

And I'll go downstairs and she's in a random cupboard on the kitchen bench, flinging things around trying to find the mints.

And then she doesn't get one.

It's like, excuse us one more man, last time I got on quick, I'll go cold turkey. So we've actually had to remove all the mints out of the house because she can't have one, she has to have two.

She hears it. She's like, ah, I'm going to try and get.

Some footage for those of you listening at home.

If she sees the mint packet and you don't give a one.

All hell breaks. She's like screaming, stamping. First of all, she does this thing, she goes that like she's sad, and.

It's like all the cycle of grief, yeah, literally the cycle of grief.

And then she comes to acceptance and she's like why like accepting this on my whole life and anger and anger, then back to sadness. But she is a crack addict for eclipsements, and we are to blame for that.

I think. I think in terms of addictions, it's not the worst one to have.

The only problem is the side of the packet says excess consumption can cause a laxative effect.

Well, I mean how long is a piece of strength? Right? Very good point, Like, can you be a bit more specific?

The many does she need?

Yeah? Like, what are we talking?

She's pretty constipated all the time, so maybe she needs more.

How many days she happen? Do you think on average on a weekend? Weekends? Must be weekends Mriday and Saturday night she's binging.

I would say she has about six o'click eclipments a day far out, day in, day out.

Judge me if you will, I will.

Will.

The meltdown's not worth it though, Okay.

The path of least resistance I know.

Anyway, speaking of meltdowns, let's go into our favorite segment.

It's a fine.

The final.

Matt.

Would you like to go first?

First? I will just take this opportunity. And sorry, it's taken me so long to say this. You've trimmed your mustache and it looks great, so tends. This one's from Ali pitch Ford pitch forward.

That was made up, but yep, that's I've never met.

A pitch forward before. She picked forward. Not my child, but my niece fell over at a family gathering and she cut a knee open. Oh shame me. Naturally, being the nurse of the family cleaned her knee and put a band aid on. She then started crying hysterically. This is the child Ali. When I asked her why she was still crying, she said, I want my blood back from the wife I used to clean her knee. That's tricky, that's tricky. I was going to say, what you what

Let him bleed out Iregan.

Yeah, just one less mouth defeat.

I say, the moment you react, the moment you give them any attention. I know he milk it.

I know. I've told this story before that when this kid fell down the stairs where I used to work, and the dad was like, it was like, you're gonna, you know, attend to that kid, and he was like, nope, it was fine, thankfully.

How many stairs did he fall down?

I can't quite remember.

It was a lot, It's the whole story.

He fell down four stories of stairs. It was just like it was just like fifteen twenty steps and.

I was on ten steps.

All right, I'm going to give you my one, matt All right, now that we've laughed.

That off, now this one is from Holly. Just bear with me because you know how good I.

Am reading, and she already warned us that this is a bit of a bane.

I shouldn't laugh.

How's this for a brain bender? My three? My three year old son wanted to eat some banana bread but didn't want it in his belly?

What are they gonna What do you think you're gonna.

Do with it? Matthew? Should we do some questions?

I think we should consider.

I'm holding the iPad.

Hey, I might as well just go first.

What better time than now to have you asked me a question?

So, matt this is from Lisa. Having two girls, did you or your wife have gender disappointment? I'm struggling with this big time personally. I don't know what this is because I have one of each.

So all right, just rub it in my shallow and deep.

I wouldn't know what that feels like because I've got one of both, and I'm such a good dad, and my sperm a grete because they give me one of each.

Well, actually, right now, not so great because they're gone bit tied up. Actually, I was thinking about getting rid of my testicals altogether. I don't need them anymore. Hit what else do they do? Just hurt whenever I get whenever my kid head butts it, because it's perfect, get.

Rid of them. I would like just one, please you both. If there's any doctors pickle them, just be nice to have it in a jar.

Wouldn't it be.

It's like, what's that? That's ashes nuts?

Yeah, you would be like, this is what they're supposed to look like.

I did. I did have a agenda disappointment. I will I will say I will caveat this answer with the fact that I do love my girls. I'm extremely happy. I wouldn't change my life with two daughters for any amount of money or anything in the world.

You did try and steal my son.

Oops, that was a moment of weakness on my behalf. I do. I love I love of being a girl dad. I think it's great.

But at the.

Time issue was both male and lola. I think I said it many times. We didn't know the sex of our child and we found out were surprised at birth, which for me, I'm not into.

I think that's a terrible thing to do.

I want to. I think childbirth is amazing enough that you don't need the added surprise of like, what's it going to be? It's probably yeah, you don't need that. Laura was like, there's absolutely no way that I'm going to find out. I want to find out in the moment, you know, in the delivery room, as soon as that

That Marley.

And as well, everyone was looking at Laura, looking at the shape and going, that's a boy.

The way that it's sitting love that ship people. Fucking I fucking hate that so much. Also, what I hated is when people would say, oh, what are you having? I don't know, a fucking baby, you idiot, Well this is awkward.

It's a cat. Yeah. Yeah, So in the moment ash when Marley was born, and I also thought it was like the movies. It would play out where the doctor would announce to the room in a loud voice, Congratulations, it's a boy or it's a girl. Like I thought that's how it happened, and I remembered how it happens not for us, bro I don't know because I found out early.

Yeah, of course I found out immediately.

So when Marley came out, I kind of looked at the obstetrician and I was like, so, what is it?

And he goes, it's a baby, dummy, and I.

Kind of said, like, what you know, when's when's he gonna clear his throat and announce it to the room And.

It's it's so drum roll? Is that what you were expecting?

Yeah?

Like, what are the Trump? Whether the trump is going to start playing the drummer boys?

Where's the parade? Yeah, where's the praid?

This doesn't seem right, and he just goes so you can take a look. And so there was this kind of awkward moment where Laura was holding Marley, like, you know, she's crying around she's crying holding, you know, our firstborn child, and I was kind of like grabbing away, like lifting it up to see what it was if you do

I guess disappointment.

Yeah, I think surprise is more.

I think naturally it's not like it doesn't have to be like a devastating disappointment.

It's like you can't sometimes you can't control what your brains think.

Well, I just yeah, it is disappointment. That disappointment in that moment didn't live beyond. It was a second of like, oh, this isn't what I was planning. It was like ordering a steak and the chicken comes and you're like, I think there's been a very.

Big difference because you can send that back.

I tried get back in. Laura was like, what are you doing? And it happened a little bit second time round.

With Lola, the same same thing.

Yeah, it was another surprise, But did you have.

That did you feel the same.

There was a split second moment where you know, I think I want I do want a boy. I did want a boy, and people always say, oh, it's the dream to get one of each. You know, You're like, then you're done, You've got a boy, You're a girl, like job done, happy days. And then I was like, oh, I've got I got two girls, and Laura and I at this stage kind of spoken about maybe we'll just have two. So then there was this again split second moment where I was like, oh, this wasn't what I expected.

Go deeper as sorry, goodness, you're fucking right, Yeah I know. Oh yeah. They said, like the moment you're at a crossroads that you're trying to tell me.

Yeah. But then people don't want to talk about gender disappointment because it sounds so utterly selfish.

It does in that moment, and honestly, I could imagine that you would feel somewhat ashamed, even though you shouldn't totally.

Well, I just experienced one of the most amazing moments in life. And the fact that you should have any emotion that's not just elation, you're an asshole.

Yeah, well it's not true though. Now that I have Macy, I've got a girl and a boy. Again, I'll remind you have a girl.

I had the boy, but then it was like we found out it was going to be a girl really really early on.

And what was your reaction in that moment?

I think I was just going to be happy either way. But now like Macy's the best, it's a bit cheeky.

You didn't have preference on I didn't want a house full of boys.

So do you think you would? Okay? Do you think then it's hypothetical if Macy was a boy. Do you think there would have been disappointment in that moment now knowing that you don't want to have a house for the boys.

I don't think so. It would have been what it is. What it is fair enough, but I would have never have gone for a third never ever, ever, If you only had that feeling for such a minute moment. Is it gender based? Do you having a third or not? Well, if you had another girl, would you feel then?

I think I'd be fine with it. I think some people do have a preconceived idea of what their family is going to be like, and when you it doesn't play out, I think it's really difficult for those people to digest it.

Do you think they might feel like they're not content?

I do think that people may feel like they've missed out okay, which is a normal feeling to have.

Do you think that your discussions with Laura about having a third revolve around gender or the fact of having a third?

No, I'm pretty content now. I am very much at peace with the fact that I may not have a boy. That's totally fine, because I'll be honest, I look at little boys and I'm like, let's say, grubby and naughty and oh loud all the time. Oscar's great, by the way, just that's not directed all.

Of a sudden, He's well behaved.

I don't know how it happened.

I think if I was to have three girls like perfect, I almost think that would be great because a I've got like all the toys that are very like girly. I've got all the clothes already, like.

I've your practice.

You know, girls are great.

Yeah, girls, I.

Absolutely love being a girl. Dut If I had a boy, that'd be great as well. But the fact that we're discussing a third, it's not because I feel like there's a missing piece of the puzzle.

Do you think the listener's struggling with it because they're discussing a third and that she really will Yeah?

I think I know there is, Like there are some dads that I've spoken to that absolutely devastated that they don't have a boy.

For someone who's discussing and still on the fence about having a third, you've you got two girls, would you give her any advice?

I think if you are having another child purely with the hope that you're trying to get a certain sex, I think that would be the wrong reason to have another child.

That's pretty valid.

I think because that's why there's such a hard chance of being disappointed. I think you should want to have a child because you want to have another family member in the mix, not because you feel like you're trying to get that missing piece of the puzzle based only being a boy or a girl.

Because then think of that, I can't imagine the disappointment again again.

Yeah. The thing to remember is, though, if you are experiencing gender disappointment, it's so important to talk about it and know that this isn't going to impact your ability to be a good parent or how much you're going to love your child.

Talk to a professional, I would say that's.

Not here's another child birth question, ash, Oh, yeah, would you still have children if you were a woman and you had to go through all the process.

Of absolutely not. Yeah, I'm just gonna flat out and say that men are not strong enough we honestly, I get the sniffles and I'm fucking down like a fucking.

Bag of shit.

I remember being about have you ever pushed out a really big poo, Matt? Think about that awful bit of relief afterwards, which I guess the feeling the euphoria. Yeah, the euphoria of pushing out a baby would be nice to experience that.

No.

I remember my older sister. We must have been like six and seven and maybe like seven and eight. We're really young, and she was like, hey, I just found something in mum's closet watch this and I was like, what have we got? And she was like, I think we waited till mum was out. The video that my sister had found was a woman giving birth, and it was an educational video where somebody was just narrating, like exactly what was happening? Was it?

David Attenbro.

I remember watching this video and I was like, oh my, it was full on. It was very graphic, and I remember in that moment thinking, I am so glad that I never have to experience anything that remotely relates to this right now.

But it's beautiful.

It is beautiful. Man.

Oh we could do it.

Man, do that.

Let's just thank our lucky stars that not you, not me, nor any man out there has to go through childbirth, because the human race would last.

Like thirty seconds. Yeah, the first cold and flu ye spinning, fighting for our lives.

Very quickly, you know, I'm quick, mate.

Better not be six or seven minutes.

God, there will be two minutes. Okay. We asked last week, the very good listeners of this show, what are some disasters.

That have started them? Yes, yes, from going out we did.

We got some great responses, we sure did. I will just highlight a few of my favorite mm ash. These are disasters that have stopped parents going out and socializing. One here is my baby removed their nappy and smeared their shit all over the wall.

Classic. That's a classic one.

There is so much shit related disasters.

Oh, I bet shit seems to be the main one. For example, one twin fed the other his shit.

Perfect.

That kind of did me in for the day. Another one here our doorters split their head open and had to go to hospital as they were about to leave for a wedding. Oh fuck, that would have ruined the wedding.

One more here ash one of my favorites. They found their toddler in the toilet bowl, just playing in the toilet water merge inside the bowl. There, No, it was not was not not not emerged. Baby was fine above the water, sitting in there to the bowl, just splashing around. Yes, having a great time. And these answers are great. They are great because they have got the creative juices.

Flowing juices, are.

Pulsating if you will get them up. And it's good to know because other parents out there ASH that are struggling with the fact that it's hard to go out and socialize once you've had kids, if you want to go.

Out and socialize without them, even with them, but without them, it's near impossible.

Near impossible. And we thought, wouldn't this be a great topic. It is a great topic for a story.

One quest, might they say.

Any quest? It would be a quest for kids? Would it be to read at nighttime?

Oh?

Yes, okay with you.

What we're trying to say is we're writing a kid We are, Yes, we are. We're writing a kid's book.

Yes, and thanks to you, because we didn't have no idea what to write until you send us all these which keep coming, man, keep coming.

So we've only just started.

Yours might end up in a book.

We do nothing original around here.

What we need is for you to do the work for us.

Yes, thank you.

So we are writing a kid's book. Not a word has been written so.

Far, but we're going to write it.

We're writing it. You're me, You and me both soon to be published authors.

Who's going to publish us?

Just when you thought that you you've had enough of Matt Nash, we're now creeping into your bedtime routine with your kids.

Creeping into your bedroom, your kid's bedroom.

Who would have back it up.

Not what we mean. When will the story be written?

We don't know when, but we're working on it. We're working on it, We're working it. Time is of the essence when you have kids.

Yeah, we're busy, busy men. Honestly, how hard can it be?

Let's not insult that I'm not Look, this is a Matt comment. I have nothing to do with this one. How hard could it be to write a kid's book?

On that note, let's get out of here.

Yes, it's been a long, long, arduous, arduous, a.

Very informative episode, and if you have enjoyed it, please share it with someone and please leave us a review, leive us a little star review if you like, and.

We will actually, just before we go, we will say that we have been dropping bonus episodes kind of randomly on a Monday every now and then, like one or two a month. We will now after the Buckleys. So this week there's obviously no bonus episode, but next week we will have a bonus episode. So every fortnight on Monday, we will be speaking to a mum or a dad. So if you have anyone you would like us to speak to, please send us through your suggestions and We'll do our best to make that work.

And don't send a suggestion saying speak to John like we just give us someone we people know.

We will acknowledge that a lot of people have asked for our wives.

Yeah, we're working.

We've said, a couple of glasses of wine.

As she's in perfect we'll get her plastered.

But also she's anyone's.

That's it for me, look at it okay.

Two Doting Dads podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and the connections to land, sea and community.

We pay our respects to their elders past and present and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torrestraight Islander people's today. This episode was recorded on Gadigal Land.