#149 Never Say This To A Parent

I feel like, what's up? What's up?

Just as a way, yeah, I feel like we can just be a bit more candid with each other in all way, we're both in our mid thirties, i'd say mid thirty still thirty seven, right, so eight soon? Yeah, but not yet. But we're both mid mid thirties. Thank you, But you still haven't wet dreams.

It's been a weird coming out of my mouth. It's been a while. It's been a while. It's been a while. Welcome back to two doting dads.

I'm Maddie J And I'm Ash And this is a podcast all about parenting.

It is the good, it is the bad.

And the relentless, and that's not right and relatable, relatable, relentless. I was like, sure, relentless.

Actually, I'm not wrong.

We're just gone past two years. Oh we have it is relentless. Wet dreams. Yeah, no advice given, no advice, wet dreams.

It has been a while. I think I had a.

Sneaky one, I want to say last year. Sometimes I thought I'd grown out of this. I suspected that I had one last night.

Wow, I don't recall what the what the dream was? I hope my wife was she definitely was.

I you seem unsure if you did or you didn't.

Have broke up going And I remember and I said it out loud.

I was like, that's it over that?

And then you say that I don't know?

Was it to April? We like stop that? No? Was enough of that? Like it was like, okay, well I reckon maybe a bit of pre come.

I was like, enough of that, and then I went back to it was definitely early morning and I woke up and I was like.

Do you think it was It's not summer. It's winter at the moment in Australia, it wouldn't have been. Sometimes you can confuse sweat to be with semen happens?

Am I right?

Well?

I tasted it and the consistency was similar to sweat. Yeah it was. Look, I was definitely a little bit like uncomfortable. Yeah, look, if.

It's been a while between you know, treating myself, if you will I then will I reckon if Actually my biggest fear of going into the jungle was that if I don't relieve myself that I would say normally after a week, definitely two weeks, I am then due for a wet dream. Yeah right, yeah, yeah. I thought we're all grown out of there.

So it's like it's like a damn wall. The dam is full, going to release some pressure. What do you do with morning wood in the jungle? I wouldn't really get it. I'm not talking about the trees. I wouldn't really get it. I get it. Body is just yes, not in an arousing environment anyway. Let's move on.

So talking about actually talking about being confused by things that happened during the night time. Okay, go ahead, gonna be cameras because Jess is away on holiday.

It must be nice in Japan. Jealous is she in Japan? She sent me a picture of a big mountain, Mount Fuji. I don't know what that means. Mount Fuji?

Is it?

I mean enough to fujifilm. Go on, yeah, Jess, we hope you have be a good time.

We do. You've left of a time.

I assion myself here to defend ourselves like the good old days. When we first started, it was just the two of us. It's taken us about six hours to record this episode. I got here at sunrise.

Well we'll get we hit the ground running six hours later. It's now he stayed the night. He's still here. Jess is actually bad. She's run it.

Yes, last night, in the middle of the night, Ash Marley comes in to the room.

Yeah right, no sticker on the chart.

No sticker on the chart, and she starts off. She prefaces the chat before she jumps into bed, and she goes, look, okay, I've had an accident. And I was like, what do you mean? And she goes, spilt my water bottle. She's found a loophole to the system. She's like, I've spilt my water bottle. Okay, So my bed is saturated right now. It's very damp up there. I'm unable to sleep in the bed due to the level of moisture that currently resides in the mattress, mold will start to generate. And

She's like what. I'm like, you don't bring any pants and she.

Goes yeah, yeah, yeah. She goes, don't worry about that to sleep, and I was like, why are you wearing any pants? And she goes, ah, yes, yes, the pants question. I knew this would come and she goes the water bottle spilt onto my pants and then onto the bed, which is why I removed the pants. Now I'm here, I wanted to go to sleep in your bed. Can we please put.

This the rest.

I could just picture her going just dousing herself with water.

In the shower, and I was like, okay, that all adds up. Fair, excuse, yeah, I think so hop into bed, go to sleep, and we'll deal with this in the morning.

Smart.

And I did have a thought as she hopped into bed. I was like, legs are a bit sticky. Oh no, I was like, well, but you know, at the same time, I was very tired as I've been working.

Oh, I was like Ellie at one okay, so I was you know, I was like half awake and I was like whatever, shore fight, hop into bed.

And then I woke up, and I was like, I'm just gonna double check. Not that I don't trust Marley, I'm going to just double check that she you know, she did have an accident.

She didn't lie to me in the middle of the night when I was most vulnerable, and so I feel her bed the bed is wet.

Okay, I'll give her that, and I pop my nose to the mattress and I go piss, it's yourn, it's yourn.

Poor Lol is underneath that too.

Okay, we started with loophole. Do you think she's done it on purpose?

Yes?

Wow, I believe she has voluntarily weired herself. That's diabolical as a loophole to a get into my bed and b still receive a sticker in the morning.

She's very good, she's very clever.

She's got ya. They're getting clever. And speaking of loophole's, Oscar has also found one too. He's figured out sick bay. Yes, he's figured out sick Bay, but also he's figured out how to convince them to skip calling me and call who. So first call mum. He's going to be first.

I feel like April would. She'd crumble quickly.

Yes, she's missed the call because she had Macy and she was doing something. I get a call from April saying, hey, have you got a call from the school. I'm like, nah, skip me, gone straight to Popper, rubber Arm. Popper, is your name on the list? That's a good question too.

It should be buddy, he's mine, isn't he?

So he has gone to sick bay sick for those listening and can't see my speed fingers fingers like the peace sign, little rabbits um and he's sick.

Call popo, who's rubber arm? What's Papa done here? Because this is very important. Poppa's going to pick him up?

Fuck?

There you go.

That's that's That's what I'm saying.

Rub round Pop. Yeah, you got you've got to take You've got to take it for face value, right like it? Pop is like oscars sick. Okay, I'll come, I'll come get it. Poppa's retired. Whatever, it's Friday, you're going to cam something else?

Now.

I would never use that word, would never use that word. It's terrible word. Uh. And then April, I've had work to do, so I'm off doing things.

But how did you know that he was collected? Was in the group chat and the family chat?

It was April told me. April said, Pop is going to pick him up? Skip me because I'm the hard ass.

You are the hard okay, skipped me, stone cold ash Wicks.

I refer to you, Yes, everyone does.

I could break an arm and I think the bone could pierce the skin, and you wouldn't give me any sympathy.

Correct, that's right.

I've said, have you laid eyes on this kid yet? And she's like, yeah, I've been touched shortly. I was like, okay, great, so let me show you please what she has sent me of a poor sick Yes, young boy.

Can you tell me what the illness was? So apparently the symptoms was he facing? It was sw tummy, it was ummy. It's always them.

Yeah, yeah, this is the day. Definitely. The poor boy can barely stand. Gosh. Is he still unwell? Has he made a recovery this morning? He was unwell apparently, but he's gone to school today.

Fine, nothing wrong with him. He gets home, he's like, can we play? And I'm home, can we play foot you in the front yard? I was like, nah, you're sick.

They keep forget, they forget, they go get They're like, oh yeah, sorry, I got to load down.

I'm not feeling hundred percent.

But I always used to chuck the sticky as a primary school kid. Always I hated school. I was not built for school. Okay, this cannot be schooled. Can I tell you something? Can I tell you what you need to do here?

Yeah?

Because ash Friday last week I had a call from the school. Marley may unwell same day and same illness, also had a sick tummy. They're in hurts, these kids. They're like Friday, Friday the seventeenth.

And it's like a prisoner escape on Friday. We do it, we go, we don't look back. I can just picture them being like, you ready.

Let's do it.

So, yeah, I get a call Marley's in sick bay, saw tummy. I know that children who are unwell deserve our attention, but at the same time, I'm like, my knee jerk reaction was, is she actually sick?

I get I reckon, they get that all the time on that phone call.

Yeah, And I said, and I was working from home, but I said, I'm in the city. I'll come as quick as I can, but it'll be a couple of hours. It'll be a three o'clock with So I was like, I'll finish doing my work for two hours and then I'll get her.

And I also just.

Thought to myself, like a sick by a primary school was shit. Was just like next to the reception it was like a fucking mattress, which was like concrete.

And that's what it should be. Should be prisonf yeah, thank you. Lock them in there. Yeah, she'ld be like a little pen.

What can I give that they can't give? Like, just just lay down, here's a bucket. Yeah, give us a spewbag.

That's it. Perfect.

If it was on a flight, that's what they do, that's what you get. So yeah, So when I picked up Marley, she was like, you're a long time and I was like, yeah, damn right. I was because I want her to know that sick on a sick base sucks smart and you're gonna hate sitting there and it's going to be boring.

But she was the same dude.

She was like hello, and I was like, what's wrong, Bubba? You have to use my baby voice and she was like I gotta sound tummy. She's like, I'm not feeling well and I was like, come here, come to daddy. The second we walk out of those school grows past the front gate, she's.

Like, whoa yo ge yes, I can imagine. It's like you took forever. And it's like she's like, also just prefaces with our kids. Can't tell the time yet that you're late, And he's like, yeah, it's like, how are you feeling double? I'm fucking fine now, bitch.

Mate.

I tried to explain to my I was like, well, if you're unwill you can't go to the birthday party tomorrow? I am And she was like what yeah, And she was like, I think I'm feeling better, fucking go home to it.

She was like Oscar.

She was bouncing off the walls. She was coloring much energy, too much energy.

But like I used to do that and then I would be like, I want to go to sock training tonight.

No, you're fucking not.

One time, one time I didn't want to go to school and I hated sick base, so I knew that if I had to fake being sick, I had to be in the morning. And I got a cloth and I rubbed it on my forehead and I went to my mum and I was like, just feel how.

Hot I am.

She was like quite a temperature, and I was like, gotcha.

Got her. Speaking of injuries and stuff like that, firstly, it just gave me a little memory of when I was in When.

I was in year seven, I was playing touch football with the bigger kids and them fell on me, okay and have my head hit the ground between my legs.

So quite like an over extension.

You tried to suck yourself off in that moment, I could have got a quick leg.

And then I did go home.

Literally my dad had to pick me up because at that moment I was in pain.

But what's the problem about.

I used it to get more time off school, and I was fine because also it was the same year that Joey John's heard his neck playing footy and he was in the neck brains, and I thought that.

Was pretty cool. So you had a neck brain.

So I neck braced it for like a week to get a week off school. But I was completely fine.

Hang on a second, your neck is moving fine today? Yeah, I'm good. I'm back down. You were in a neck brace last week?

Yeah, it was like a week and that was I was like ten days ago. Oh yeah, fine, that's my leg now. Somehow the pain moved for my neck right down to my leg. He's still thinking bon Jovi in the car?

Yeah, no, what was I doing? I was singing Iris it's practicing. Yeah.

Anyway, Also on injuries, I never thought having kids, I would get so injured. Remember I was back nearly like two years ago now when we started this, and I had a moment of pure anger when I was picking up toys and hit my head on a door knob on.

The way back up. I think I did it twice in the same very.

Frustrating and it's like I'm cleaning up after these fucks and I'm hurting myself. That's what I recall from that situation. Well, let me tell you right now, I've had another running with the door handle.

What door handles is?

I'm going to tell you what exactly what happened. Okay, so when April goes to the toilet, it shuts the door. The kid's always going there, that's a mom thing. I like to lock the door.

Okay, Yeah, If April's not locking the door, that's on her exactly. But she has a dig at me about if they're going to come in to see me, they should.

Be allowed to go in and see you. And I'm like, we all got the bar here, lock it so we're up here together.

But also like, fucking dad shits are a lot worse than mumshit's lies.

Oh, they store them up and then they do one horrendous shit and Aeopl's like, where are the kids coming here? I drag them in.

I don't mind dragging him in as a joke. It's funny, but I also like my privacy, like you know, as any person, as any man or woman would exactly right now, I am a stand and wiper. Yeah amen, yeah, okay, so few of us stand and wipe. And it just so happens that the door knob is at the exact height as my dick and balls. And guess who comes barging in while I'm wiping oscar oscar wicks at full velocity.

It's a separate toilet to the bathroom, so it's quite skinny.

I've fallen into the crack between the toilet and the jip rock wall. Okay, saw nuts, saw penile head, now the toilet paper. I've tried to brace myself. I've fallen, put the shitty toilet paper up against the jip rock wall and slid down it like so, so I'm jammed between the toilet and the wall that has now ship on it.

What's saying at this point? He was just like, what are you doing? What you need to be sick? You mean to be sick.

I'm on the ground, stuck between the toilet with a sore set.

Of n ads and a shitty asshole. God, what a sight.

And I had to somehow backwards slither out of there.

Did you call for help? Did April? No One wanted to help me. She's like, you're on your own hands. She's like, you in there. It's like, for God's sake, could this get any worse? It does? The roof is are back next door? Shut up your fate.

No, God, you're back, just like and I'm surprised when you're like a show chavenist.

No, hang on. But also it was a Sunday and they were working on the roof next door. You're an exhibitionist. It's the word I'm looking to exhibition. But also it was Sunday and I was like, what the fuck are they doing?

But I've worked out because it's been raining so much, they haven't been able to finish the roots.

They just got at the window of good weather and.

Now We've got a little thing going where if I see them in the morning and I'm like.

I don't want to see my asshole today.

Wow, wow's joke. How's your penis now?

Oh?

I recovered? Yeah, thank heavens. Yeah. I just had to bring this up with my therapist.

I don't want to sound like being a hero at the moment, but Ash, I'm doing it tough. I'm doing it solo. Oh yeah, Laura's way by myself. When isn't Laura away, mate?

Fuck, she's over and by right now. Yes, she is working.

It look like she was doing you know when you to take your kids to like a sensory thing.

She was doing the jewelry, That's what it looked like she was doing.

I was like, it's fun, actually, mate. You know how much he's had to go at me about the business class flight blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. We've all heard enough of it by multiple people media outlets for attacking I was being defained publicly, and so I was with the kids on Sunday. Laura, where was she in the lounge? Champagne in hand? She's flown over busy class with her sister, and she had the nerve to message me from the lounge, going, oh, just send me a photo of the kids.

I missed them.

Shut you do not. She needs to leave it a day or two before saying I start to miss people, you can't be like you've.

Been gone for two hours. I'm like, oh, I missed the kids, laughing, I can go.

I can take him to the airport and you can spend another hour with him if you want.

Your flight doesn't take off for another hour. Sneaking into the quant I couldn't do another goodbye. They're serving alcoholic. Yeah, someone's messaging my feet. It's like, for fux sake, at least.

Get to like, I know, whenever I go way and leave the family.

It's like, you don't want to message April, not straight away.

But if I've like, for example, you don't want to give off how much fun you're having. I get that, But also that's too premature. If it was a couple of days and she's like, look, I'm actually I missed the kids. I must have a little bit of balleibilly. I haven't been sleeping well like I've been, you know, like make up something for God's sake, yeah, and then go oh, just you know, because in those moments of.

Vulnerability, you can miss your kids totally.

It's like me saying, I had a fucking huge night last night, babes, and god I.

Missed it and I missed the kids. It's like, well, how about you don't have it.

You've got a schooner in hand, and I'm like, enjoy enjoyed at the moment. So, yeah, Laura has flown over. She's currently just her sister and herself. They're working hard. Please and mate, I didn't realize it. She told me many times, but I've been unable to retain the information. And Nana was packing the bags and I was like, where the fuck do you think you're going? And she's like, I'm going to Brisbane for your brother's birthday. And I was like, what, So she's gone too, She's left me.

I was gonna sask sorry yesterday, didn't.

I Yeah, she was yesterday, she's gone now she's gone five am.

These girls out here, I'm after Brisbane to.

So I'm currently you know, I'm doing it tough. Do you also just shout out to all the single parents out there?

I know, it's hard. Oh absolutely, it's tough.

Just going to preface that and say that we best preface that. We should conduct a little experiment. Go on my wife. Yes, what I may do because I'm after Brisbane tomorrow for a couple of days. It's like a day two days cause for a state of origin against the hat working work.

I am working.

I've got content to do. But also it just so happens to be a sport that I love and we people I like, not that I don't.

Like my kids. You're a lucky guy. You found your passion. Thank you.

Thinking about going to the airport tomorrow, yes, which I have to be there at midday.

Love it.

And as soon as I get there, I'm going to send a message to April saying I missed the kids.

And then but also i'll film it. Can you do an airport beer? Oh yeah? On your stories? Oh yeah, she was going to see that. And then I'm going to tager and good this is a good gear airport beer. I'm going I'm taking a mate with me.

Can you as a videographer, can you just can you actually? Can you call April and then be like, god, I miss the kids. I'll get my mate to film in it. Yeah, I'm taking a videographer with me. That's the best thing that I'm taking a videography videos everything, and yeah, I'll have it and we'll do a little up.

Do you know what we'll do.

I'll ring her, I'll put on a loud speaker and I'll be like, I'll do it.

We'll do it cheers.

And then I'd be like, oh, really miss the kids, babe, and just see what she is.

And we sit and we wait and can I be on like on the phone call as well? No, I don't do that's too much. I will film it in real time, send it over to you. I get you what you think I did?

I did try. I try.

I put forward the case to not bring the kids to Bali.

Yeah.

Economy, yea economy, economy Yeah, yep.

I'm going to Bali without the kids. Must be real. And she was like, no, I just I want to see the kids so badly, and.

I don't go then ship anyway, so I know it's like it's a long way to go to kids.

Thank you. Okay, hang on one question. While we're on the subject.

We talked about seating arrangement for two parents two kids, what about seating arrangement for two kids one parent.

I'm going to do a video on this.

Okay, I'm going to a video on this because I'm flying grud Air. Shout out to grout and Not sponsored. Their seating configuration very interesting. They have four in the middle and then the windows are two and two.

You pretty much have to go the four otherwise one gets left alone unless you buy four seat?

Do I? Could I go on?

Could I go window next one across right and then do the aisle?

So the middle row aisle? Is that a possibility? Is that? So I get the two kids by themselves, try and get a seat in front two Trying the row in front of the person behind you was like and then you just take your around and go. They didn't have anything that lined up, But.

I'm just here about that one behind so you can see them, but they can't see you.

So that was an idea. I'm yet to lock in the seating plant. You're going in like two days, don't you? Yeah? Brilliant, brilliant? Thank you? I did, thank you? Do you know what else is brilliant?

This? You don't mostly progression, you don't love, So.

Just tell me what your parent do you want my grand parking at the shirts?

You don't want advice from frangers?

Go and tell me what is your part?

Well played, sir, and I would say that that is one of the greatest segment songs ever to be produced by anybody ever.

Thank you? Okay, would you like to go first?

Yeah, I've actually got I've got a parant myself.

Oh, because I have one last week. I'm just gonna get the last off my chest. Go far away. You know I love daycares. Just be careful how you finished that sentence.

You know I love daycare. I love day care staff. I think they work incredibly hard. You know that I've always been very vocal about my support for the daycare industry.

Most of them. Yeah right right, those of you don't you know what I'm talking about.

I have a roundabout. I'm reluctant to attack the daycares. Attack away. We attacked him months before. I want them just pick up my sword. So Lola has been She's been up up to like nine pm, and she loves to sleep. Lately, she's been great in that she has a story, goes to bed, falls asleep pretty quickly. But now she's up to like nine o'clock. I'm downstairs and I can hear her walking around upstairs. I'm like, what the fuck are you up to? And I was like,

Yeah, someone's and so.

But now we're back in the cycle. So she's like staying up so late. So she's tired because she's she's going to sleep at like nine nine thirty. Dude, why time she wake up like six thirty? It's not enough, slick. Yeah, fuck man, you need a nap.

I love a n app And maybe I'll go to that daycare, can I if you get in the bed? All right?

So now, so now she's in the routine. She's in the routine of napping during the day. They're going to try and break the cycle, which they're not. They're letting a nap.

Oh my goodness. If you're listening, think of the.

Parents, Think ill of us, poor parents, And I've started to do this thing at night when kids go to bed that I make them feel guilty about making any more noises after that?

What do you mean?

I'm like, this is mummy and Daddy's time now, Like you know how we give you everything you've ever wanted and all the time you need ever And.

They're like, yeah, we love that, Like why don't you just give me this moment now? And do they get it? Some nights? Some nights I'm like do you I'm like, I'm.

Like, do you know how sad I feel when I've got to come back in here to tell you off?

Do you know how sad I am? What about me?

And like sometimes it works, And then when they don't, I'm like, we spoke last week about yelling at your kids.

I'm like, well, it's time to go to work.

And like shut wax slam the door anyway. They hate the door being shut, So that's now my current threat. But I'm like, oh, shut this fucking door. You're like, anyway, that's my rant.

Please.

I have a rand from someone hither. This one is from Maddie, and Maddie says, no trolley bay near the parent parks getting a good park, but hiking the Nullah boarder return it.

Yeah, I think there's whoever's.

Designing these car parks, and this is thing might flow onto a little.

Ran I have really quickly. Okay.

On top of that, whoever's designing these car parks, I think it should go disabled parking, parent parking with a trolley bay.

In between them.

Okay, so it's equal because we just say this, right, you've got.

One kid, there's one of you. You put that kid and.

They say don't leave your kids alone in the car, and then you've got to walk to drop the length of the a nuther boar.

Yes, thank you Maddie for that.

To put a trolley bag. It's dangerous, it's disgusting. That's a lot can happen in that thirty seconds. A child could go missing. Not to scare anyone out there, but that's the reality. It's the reality, okay, it's the life we live, especially in dangerous areas where does may live and the dangerous area could take your baby.

Very true, thank you. Yeah.

But also I've got a ramp with car parks in general, okay, And it's not the people who've designed it, it's the.

People in it.

People think you pull into a car park, rules don't apply anymore.

What rules are you talking about?

Rules, pedestrian rules, anything like that. Okay, this is what annoys me the fucking most. There's two things that annoy me the most. The first one is when someone tries to cross the street in a car park across the where you're driving. Okay, there's a crossing to cross, but they crossed like ten meters due south of it.

Walk up and use the crossing.

People think that that's like, I'm just gonna walk, not even look. Yesterday I had Mum in the car right and I went to reverse out of a car park. Reverse lights are on, they are blaring, they are fucking bright, and some old bloke not old, I'm saying like fifty yeah, didn't even stop to be like, oh is he reversing?

Didn't even stop.

He just walked from across first of all, walked in front of a car that was driving directly towards my rear camera.

Death wish. And it's like, bro, the arrogance rules apply.

If I hit you, I'm in trouble, right, but doesn't mean you just start walking out like.

Infuriating. Also, when someone goes up the wrong way. Guilty car park design.

Right, there's obviously someone who's logistically designed this so that the flow of the traffic goes in one way, but then there's some entitled jerk that wants to go the wrong way and fuck everyone's day up.

I feel so much better.

I didn't realize you were such a stickler for the rules and car parks.

Well, I just thought you just you're a man who is.

Very fluid, and all of a sudden, once you get the car park, you let the car park Nazi.

Yeah, because I don't know what's coming this way all across the roll.

I don't know what accent that is. Just the blatant disregard. That's what I don't like.

I think, if you're in a car park as a pedestrian and a driver, yeah, you still have to follow the rules. Did the first time you're about to get run over? But you know what I mean, like the pedestrian crosses right there.

Just anyway, this one ash is one that I haven't come across too frequently. In fact, I would say it's the only time I've seen this pear rant.

It's a niche. I like niche. It's a niche rant was it as niche as the car pike one.

We get a lot of car I would say ninety percent of rants from parents about car parks.

I reckon they need like a lollipop lady in a car in every.

Shop attendant, a full time attendant, not to like, but to usher people through and be like if there's someone like struggling across the street and they're like, okay, it's just stop for sect something like that. Do lollipop ladies or the people who did the crossings at school do they get paid? Yes, they do by who counsel?

Do they?

How much you get paid, well, a little bit. You can look that up on Fair Work. There's an award for that too hard, depending on your years, depending on your hour.

But next election, throw that car park attendees. Do you know what?

It's generating jobs, help the economy, reducing the unemployment rate.

And this one is from Frankie Hall Photography. Also do want to mention Frankie Hall had to look at their Instagram account, very beautiful photos of kids and families, but she says, I feel like you would sympathize with this situation. No hot chooks in the bain Marie at Cole's at five pm.

That's pete chicken time. What are they doing? So this is what they should do.

Okay, supermarkets, if you're listening, I'm just solving all the world froms today.

Make them for chip pro chicken times, don't.

I don't want to walk into a Woollies at seven am and there's a fucking hot chook.

I want to walk in at eleven am and there's a hot chook. I've never experienced that myself.

There's always been a steady flow of chicks available.

Depends of the need of the protein for the suburb, I guess. But yeah, I would fully agree, because there's been times where it's like, fuck, I'm running late. My days just got away from me. April me to organize dinner today, and it's like, oh, I'm at the shops. I'm just going to nip in and get a hot chook, hot chook dinner for dinner at a reasonable time to pick one up for dinner. And it's like, we don't have any hot chooks. We sold them all for breakfast. Bullshit.

Fuck. Imagine imagine you in the car park experiencing that dilemma that Malakey going going going into cools, no chick, no chick, no chicken, and then going back to the car park far out. Geez, Heaven forbid your poor family.

Anyway, your round, I reckon that would be the worst day of my life.

And there's been some bad days. You've had a few, We've had a few bad days.

Okay, my last one for this segment today, and I'm going to leave this is a little bit up to interpretation for both of us because Kay, if that's your real name, has written in and said three words very simply fucking car seats.

Yeah, annoying, the older the clip, the clippers, the clips.

So there's a multitude of clips when it comes to car seats.

There's the ISO fixed clips. What the fuck is that?

So, you know, is the way it fits into the Yeah, that's hard to put in easy job.

Yeah. There's also yes, the clips where that it's tightened to keep your child safe. And I would say that putting a car seat into a vehicle is would be up there with one of the most outraged I get when something goes wrong.

So it's like normal day to day task.

If I stub my toast slightly, or bump something slightly, or do something wrong.

Slow, it's going wrong with your car seat.

It's not that, I think, it's more like it's just can be fiddly sometimes.

Yeah.

And also then the kids are always like it's too yeah, and listen. I'm like the seatbelt, it's meant.

To be tired.

I was putting the car seat into this loan car that I have right now, right and I was like, you can't.

It's not new, it's not mine. I'm just borrowing it. Money bags over here, So I'm just borrowing it. How does that make me money bag?

I would like to borrow some money that I don't have to pay bag, that'd be great gone.

And I was just, you know, I was in no rush.

I was just putting it in casually because I know that if you do it in a rush, things go wrong. I've fucking turned around and bumped my head on the grip that you hold on to as a passenger, and I fucking saw laying into the car, and I was like punching the shit out of it.

People are like, oh God, should I step in and stuff that?

Dad? And then I've gone to pull the seat belt tightened and slipped a bammed funny bone into the corner of the door.

Oh my god, I'm going to return that loan car. And they were like, is this car been in an accident?

Ship out of the car. But it's like the most smallest thing. They're just infuriating devices, if you ask me, so, that's what I think K means.

And if you have any pair rants parents, pair rents, sorry, pair rand, pair rant, send it to us. Get it off your chest, make sure it doesn't stay in and you get all I feel frustrated, and you know, at an in opportune moment, it all comes out. Let it come out to us. We'll clean up the mess.

Yeah, I feel so much better. Actually, you look more relaxed. Thank you, Ash. A couple of questions before we go fire away, Ash.

Yes, this is a question that was submitted on the Facebook group. They would like to know, what are any traditions that you have created with your kids besides yelling at them every night?

Oh damn kids, you know what time it is.

They're beautiful traditions that they'll remember as core memories for the rest of their lives.

Gotcha, got one? Have you ever heard of these things called fighter gummies?

Oh?

What are they? Like? Little multividam and in gummy form it look like a lolli.

So the tradition is every day obviously it's a vita gummy.

Not just feed my kid's lollies.

If they're ready, like if they're dressed themselves, get ready to go on time in the mornings, then they get what we call a lolli.

Ah, it's medicine.

It's medicineidamin's suckers, idiots, and they don't know that. They just think it's a low thing. I've got a lovely bag of lollies. When do you think you'll tell them the truth when they move out. We haven't got any traditions really like nothing that I'm like, that's a beautiful memory.

I don't know if mine's a beautiful memory. No, I love it.

Yours is manipulative, thank you. That's my whole deal. I'm a manipulative parent.

It's the kind of parenting that I want to hear about. Good.

No, we haven't got anything like fuck other than yo on a Friday.

That's that's something, is that you do it together. We used to have we on a Friday. It was called the little Shop.

A little shop is a little convenience store down the road for my school, and I remember it's weird, like core memory, going in every Friday to go in.

I think back then we had fifty pants old buy Alfle store. How much I got to go with this as a kid, but we got to pick what we wanted the little treats. Yeah, I just trying to think for me as a kid, we didn't really have anything, just the regular beatings. But my parents never hit me.

Okay, if you're a parent out there right now and you have a great tradition, something that you do with your kids more than just like you know, obviously I read to the kids every night before they go to bed.

People do that.

But if there is a tradition that you have that you think is a nice touch other parents can implement. Do you actually do you know what I used to I've got it from doctor Phil. Of all people, I would say, not every night. Tradition is very important to be consistent. But I would do it like would pepper it in. But I would say to each girl individually, I would say, that's all.

We have time for.

I would say, of all the girls in all the world, how do you think it ended up that I got the best one?

Oh? Very good giving them a complex. Early. That's April said to Oscar. She's like, you're the most handsome boy in the world. I'm like, don't give this boy a complex. She's like, what do you mean?

And I was like, let me tell you a story, young lady. Go on, we go to the archives here. We used to have a girl.

At our school in primary school.

I recall this that she got her mum used to tell her that she was the most beautiful girl in the world and she believed it, which is fine.

Belief is fine. But then she started to tell.

People at school that no, no, no, no, I'm the most beautiful person in the world.

Yeah, because you want to say like you're the bravest or you're the funniest store.

Yeh yeah. And then I.

Said, do you know that my mummy tells me that too, And she was heartbroken.

Did you mean to kick off or were you just like, oh no.

I caught eye that was having a dig and I remember she was heart I got in a lot of trouble. Actually, I got into tuble for bullying. Dare I tell the truth and get called bullying? I remember it broke her heart. So I said to Apel, look, you're allowed to say to your kid that you're the most handsome boy in all the world. To me, you're my most handsomeboy. Something like that. Very particular because I imagine him being going to his friends at school, I'm the most handsome boy, and then.

I had to break it to you. Yeah, but I'm the fucking hottest here. Yeah.

I'm pretty sure every mum tells him that. Heartbreak. I'll tell you just a quick tradition we did have for a while there.

It was like a funny.

One before the kids would get into the shower, we do a neody rudy and let the kids want to run up the hallway naked and then run back and the shower. And they thought it was fucking so funny. You're an exhibitionist.

We don't have any.

Clothes in our house. All the roofers are like welcome back, by welcome back. I have a question for you, please. Now, we've been doing a lot of top threes.

I love them. I love a top three. Why my question to you.

Is, what is the top three worst things you can say to a parent? Oh, let's start with your number three.

Okay, number three.

I have asked this question before and probably not needed to say this vocally because people will just realize that it's not a great question, not a great statement to make to any parents. But I think I now know, I now know that you should not ask can you get on with it?

What position did you conceive it? Well, I did not expect that. Tell me standard missionary sides addle go on, Yeah, it was your number three.

My number three is starting any sentence with Look, I don't want to tell you how to parent.

Ah trigged You're like, well, then don't you fuck me? Two for you? I don't know if maybe this is just me being sensitive you mean sensitive? No, go on?

I know, right, But I don't like it when people would look at particularly Lola, and then they look at me and they go, gosh, she looks nothing like you.

Oh yeah, yeah, sure, DNA didn't get a look into it. I thought you were going to really have a distab at something I said once, which was like she's got a big head. It was just as bad.

I think you should you know as well. And to top that would be saying, gosh, it looks like neither one.

Of you adopted will We.

Had that rant that it was like a redhead, and neither of their kids were rare. Sounds like the Milkman's got some explaining. Don't say it, don't say it? No too, What have you got for me? I've got this sentence that you say to your parents, Wow, your kid's got a lot of energy. Do they always act like that? That's the nicest way to say your kids are fucking shitthead.

Yeah, here we go. This is your number one? Is it number one? Go on?

And I have copt this a few times and and like to anyone out there who has said this.

Shame on you, shame.

But number one thing you should not say to any parent is gosh, you look tired.

Oh man, I knew you were going to say something like that. Why I left it out of my But that is bad. That is like the biggest kick. You might as well say you look like shit. Just lie and say you look great. You're glowing bags on your eyes really yeah?

And that that stains on your shirt really make your eyes pop like that shiit sandwich?

These kids?

Yeah yeah, yeah, mine is similar. It's a cheeky jab, I do. Yeah, sentences that are a cheeky jab. So read it out to you. Okay, So someone says to you, oh, we did sleep train and it totally worked for us.

What am I doing wrong?

So we've you know what I mean Like it's like a bit of a backhander.

Don't yeah, don't try and one up another parent.

I think anything backhanded to a parent your borderline.

You should be locked up for it. I'm almost tempted, almost tempted.

Now.

Now look back when Marley are first was a great sleeper, and there were times and I would be proud of the fact that she's a great sleeper. That's so bad just say your child sucks at sleeping.

So we have a mother's group, okay, but we have edged some of these parents out because they just don't forget them old did you say edge? They did, And this was one reason we edged one of them is because one of the mums was early doors, very braggy about their kids sleeping through whether she was bragging or not, she did after the confrontation I had with her because it was going through a time when Oscar didn't sleep.

It was really, really bad, and I've spoken about it on a podcast. Go back. Listen to all of them. Actually, while you're at it, I don't know what episode it is, so just listen to all of them.

Figure it out, and we you know.

One of the best things to do as parents is collectively winge about your kids.

Yes, it's a bonding moment, it is bonding, but there's nothing more.

Unbonding than one of the parents being like, oh my timmy sleeps right through, slip right through since twelve weeks and that's what happened. And I was like, hey, you know, some of us are in the thick of it, right, And she was like, I don't understand. You mean, I'm like, well, how do you think? How do you think we feel with no sleep? And then you do you want to butt in and tell us that everyone in your house is sleeping? How would you feel about that? And they're like, oh,

Well, that's what. It's a horrible thing to say.

There is one of the worst things you can say, and it should be on the top of the list is when, especially when someone says, oh, how you know, you know our kids were struggling with sleep and we're in the trenches.

There's nothing worse than you saying we're fine. You might just lie, just spit in my face.

Why I don't you just lie and say it's fucking hard hey, because that.

Is going to give that parents some sort of right. He is there, he is, Ashwizz coming good.

Thank you. We started on semen. We're about to end on semen, then are we we're talking about edging. Okay, we better get out of here.

Better.

You have to have some lunch. I have to eat some food.

But if you enjoyed this episode, please we would love it if you would give us a subscribe, a review, a couple of comments. Ash Working may follow us on social media.

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We got a lot of good questions, had full requests come through just before we started recording.

Wow, that's what yours sprite. Hope there we go, sounds at the door. Let's get out of here. Excuse me many you want my own storage? Can I ask you? Boy? I'm better? We consider here and make each other in the day two.

Doting Dance Podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and the connections to land, see and community.

We pay our respects to their elders past and present and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and horstride on the peoples today.