#138 Guilty Until Proven Otherwise

You're not going to mention anything about my appearance today.

It's not always about you, bro.

You know, I just got a little haircut and even said anything.

I did notice it. Well, if you notice it, what do you say something I would like to see from you?

I've actually gone a bit. This is a bit ash esque.

Yeah, I would like to see a little bit less side.

Burn less side burn Yeah, what do you mean at the moment? Less?

Like a tape it? More more tape it side back? Yeah, it is a bit tape it. Yeah, I really like it.

The length of the back.

Yeah, but I think that needs to be shorter. Really.

Yeah, it looks good even more. Yeah, just that bit. I can't tell if you're setting me up.

You're right on track. Okay, I'll show you later what I mean. Okay, I also got a haircut too, Have you not noticed?

I get sorry? You look great and you've grown your beard. Yeah, what's going on there?

Me? Life crisis?

Got I have not seemed like a vertle that front.

Welcome back to two dating dads. I am Maddie Jay and I'm Ash And this is a podcast all about haircuts apparently. So it's the good, the bad, the good, the bad haircuts and the relatable haircuts.

What's a relatable haircut?

Which feel age?

Just short back in sides? It is, Yeah, it's been done to.

Death, hasn't that.

It's a bit it's overkay.

People are leaving the back now because they're like, it's been done to death.

I feel like I'm jumping really late on the bandwagon of having it long on the back.

I like it. I think you're in good. You've got to remember we're in now. Well, you're in your late thirties, dude.

I was at an event where someone said how old are you? And I said, I'm turning thirty eight and they went.

Oh shit, you're almost forty.

The fuck ore.

I was like, how old are you and they're like, I'm twenty six.

Oh it's wild.

I'm almost forty dude, almost forty.

Hey.

You know what I've noticed is that the biggest change the closer I get to.

Forty one sec. No advice we'll be giving in this podcast. Thank you, Let's move forward. Ye, sorry, thank you. The lawyers were stressing out just then. I was stressed.

I've noticed that the back hair, like you know you have a little is it called like a welcome mat.

What's it called above your welcome mat? Yeah, welcome mat doesn't I don't have it anymore.

You trimmed it? Yeah, go on, just look away.

Oh god, you missed the spot. A couple of little straight A couple of little straight hairs?

Who did that?

Was that very hard to shave that region?

This is going to shave that reason?

How would you do it?

This is if anyone who know. This is like the lower back lower above the butt crack. Yeah, where the love handles are.

Yes.

For some.

Jesus, it's like run where my back six pack is?

I do like the twist, the twist the I go under.

Ill just go right under, and I go from my lower back right through to my gooch.

Or my taint.

If you would, it looks very good. Why did you trim yours?

I want to look better at a bathing suit dream winter. You've had that for a long time.

It was creeping its way up to my shoulders.

Well, dude, that's what That's what I'm experiencing. Mine used to just be that little part there. It's now like it's up to my laps.

Yeah, this is like two dokin granddads. What the fuck?

Why is my pubic hair waited until I've almost hit the age of forty to then go ah, we will start growing on the back.

Yes, get it. Boys like you won't.

Notice why now if you're a medical expert, tell me.

But some people were hairy in school, like man children.

I haven't made whose back was back in ass hairy since we were like fourteen.

Wow.

Yeah, I only got under our hair when I was eighteen. Yeah, that's it feels good to get that off my chest. The look on your face. I remember like every morning looking under my arms in high school being like come on, like waiting for that first little sprout to happen in the garden. I'm like, at any second, now it'll happen.

And kids at school would have given you so much shit.

Oh yeah, like swimming carnivals. It was you know, yeah, it was freak. I used to love the old.

The old comeback would be like you thought you had a pube until you pissed out of it. I never heard that that was a glassy Oh god, yeah, and you could get you be like your one you don't have your pubes, and two you got a tiny dick.

It's like a double up. It's the double the double like it's the one too.

A little while ago, Ash, we were talking about the fact that Oscar had performed very well at his cross country. What place did he get?

It was ninth, But because your shoe fell off, couldn't catch up.

Of course that morning, who was tying the shoelaces.

I don't know if you recall it was a Belk crush shoe. I apologize, Yeah, you should. I apologize, And I was like, oh, that's funny. We don't have country. Yeah, you were saying from year three up.

Yeah, you're wrong. I was very wrong.

I've tried so hard to subscribe to the school newsletter. Why would you want to do that, because because things like cross country, that's how we find out I'm not good East to have parade.

I'm not getting told anything. I'm in the dark.

Can't you get emails but the newsletter. That's all in the newsletter, but I don't receive. I purposely gave them zero emails for me. They go to April.

Would see where opposite and our found that Laura, is that's true, Laura, that they could be like your child is being held at gunpoint and you need to come to the school to pick it up, pick it up, pick her up, and Laura will like see that like a week later and be like, where's where's Marley? A week still being held hostage. She doesn't read her emails. Yeah, okay, God love her.

You and April together would be terrible. Me and Laura together terrible.

So it works if we ever are inclined to swap partners. Let's just remember this conver station. Well we know it's just on that really quick.

Ever went to a party and there was a bowl at the front that said three keys in here as a joke. I must have been a joke. Must have been which party? A birthday party? Don't know, but we're going back next week.

So my sister goes to the same school. Sister is very like, she's.

How old is your sister?

I mean very good, very good, very good, very good, some of your best work now. But she is she's dialed in to the to the school newsletter. She is the kind of mum who like works at the canteen.

You write it right the school.

She's pretty she's the editor. She's the editor. And she was like, hey, you got next Wednesday? You got She actually listened to the podcast and was like, just you know you do have a cross country it is coming up, so you are welcome, and I was like fuck. I was like, So I went to Marley and I was like, she's actually a pretty good runner. Not to like and I sound like a like my child is so.

Fast, so smart, so fast, she could fly. But I sat her down and I was like, hey, you got something coming up and it's going to be very exciting. I used to like cross country. Yep. I used to be the champion of my school. We're going to sit here and he's going to glowed about.

You went to regionals, went to my auntie.

Actually regionals on carry on.

We had zones and then we had regionals after zones, I was one step away from making states.

I'm standing by it.

When you get to ausies, bro, did you make ouzies? Oh yeah, for what?

Lots of things go on to my jump, long jump four hundred meters, beach sprinting flags, battle board.

I was trying to have a moment.

And anything else I can I could. The list goes on, yeah, well what happened here? Ah beer, Well he's naturally sad.

Wow, just ship on me. When I'm trying to have a moment, with the listeners. So it was a big deal cross country for me. You know, not all of us went to Aussie's. Some of us were happy with just winning Reach of the Stars. I say, well said, And I went to Smiley and said, you have cross country coming up, you have to run. And it was like I was telling her that she was going to lose a limb. I was like, hey, next Wednesday, you're

She needs like a real reason.

Yeah, she doesn't get sports. She's not like a like she would rather dance. And I was trying to explain to her, like there's a reason we do this, and she was like I don't understand, Like what are we trying to achieve here? Because you have to Yeah, I was like, it's fun because you get to you get to run.

Run with your friends. And there's two types of kids. I think, kids that like to run for fun and kids that like to run competitively. Oscar is the competitive one. I can't be like, oh, just run over there. He'll be like timey. You know.

It's like you've got like a little whippet dog that's great. Yeah, I've got like a docile great dane. That's like, why would I run? Like, you know, what's gonna What am I going to get at the end of it? And I'm like, you don't get anything. You get like a ribbon if you win, if you come first thing or third, if you come fourth. You don't get anything. And she's like, that's a ship deal.

She sees the logic in it on it and I kind of do realize it is.

It's a weird fucking concept, it is. I think, like it's like it's very gladiator asque, like you will all fight to the jask. I'm all run, drop and die and then we'll learn spelling.

Yeah do you think like that? They're like they get them involved, So it's more like I don't know, like the getting involved part.

You know, you just gotta just okay, Can I tell you a story?

Yes?

At my school. When I was growing up, this is Brookfield Primary School. Shout out to anyone from Brookfield and Queensland close down. I heard absolutely not. It's thriving, it's doing.

They were like, who's going to go to reach it's expanding.

Fuck you.

There was a young boy, Peter Low.

I thought he could say no.

Peter Low was in my sister's grade, one year older, and he was the poster child across country. He was someone who had cerebral palsy and every single year he would run the cross country. It would take him a lot longer than everybody else. He would run this race knowing he's not going to win the race. He just wanted to be involved. And when he would come in at the finish line, we would have the whole school cheering him on because every single year he got involved

It as well. That's pretty encouraged. I'd love to know where Peter Low is. My mum was trying to google in my class. I think he's an accountant really, but it was amazing he was. He could have easily have sat out the cross country totally, but every single year he fucking did it.

Just got it done, got it done.

That's just like, did you tell that story of Marley?

And I said, Marley, let me tell you the story of Peter Low. And she was like, what are you talking about. I was like, Brookfield Primary School.

That's exactly what you would have been thinking.

And I was like, you're so lucky to be able to go out there and you can run. You're so blessed. She was, I don't know if the story was really hidden. Yeah, And every morning she'd fucking be in tears because I'm like, don't forget, you've got cross country.

So you kept spooking with the cross country yeah, wa, like that's tomorrow.

With the pigs with the megaphone.

They got to start training. So this morning was the day of cross country today. Today, I was like, I'm not going to be there because I think if I'm there she's more inclined to not want to do it, and I want to be with me, you know what kids are?

Then like that, April cried at the cross country for what because she was so sad because all the kids that didn't want to do it.

Okay, good to know that it's not just Marley, No, it's not.

She felt like it was a form of torture. Don't maybe do it?

And then like some kids thrive off that sort of ship Likesca loves that sort of stuff.

But this morning we were like putting on her socks and shoes.

She was like, I don't want to do it. I'm like, you're fucking do it. Do it for Peterlo.

So have we got a result yet?

Oh you don't know it fucking got canceled cancer.

Good.

She's probably like it's next term, the next time. So I guess I'm to train. I might'st all they do if anyone.

How long is how long is you want? It's literally I want to say it's like three hundred meters? How just a kilometer? They gave us a breakdown.

A kilometer, Yeah, yeah, a kilometer.

Yeah, we're training for regionals. Bro.

That is that is that is far does torture? Yeah, can we get the Department of Education inspecting your school?

Northern Beaches?

I reckon?

Okay, well, okay, if you.

Live a kilometer and your kid does, he's like four, he's silly, sicks man.

Still very different. The Klombter's not that far. Dude, you're forty.

Forty. If I'm forty, you're forty five.

How does that make you feel?

Stuff it?

You're so close to fifty. It's like twelve more summers than Mars.

Is like twice around thequadrangle? Quadrangle? Quadrangle?

Is this math?

Jesus so canceled? Going in next year? Do you do you know being a subscriber to someone who reads the newsletter? Do they do athletics to like some some stage.

They do have an athletics carnival? Correct. Yeah, I don't know when it is. I'll wait till my sister tells me. I have my goal for like my midyear goal is to get subscribed to the newsletter.

How come you can't? What's this zeal?

I try and on the website, put email in and it says we'll send you a link. Click the link and your subscribed. The link never comes I've never had the link. I've never I've tried someone at school going out.

That's it. I don't.

Yeah, it's not easy, right, Okay, Well I look forward to hearing the results of Marley's run.

I will say that George the year threes, George is my nephew. They did it, They ran.

How did you go?

He came fourth? That's branding. But he had to let me just tell you, he had to go in the grade above because he started school late.

So he's like.

Nine to be fair. So if you had gone into his grade, yes, he was did.

I dropped the kids off this morning and I brought George with me, and he was petrified, like because it was the year above, because he had to race against the older kids.

Did you tell the Peterlow story? Yeah? Yeah?

And then you were like a young Mandy Jo who went to regionals one time ran with would you like me to tell them the story of ash Wicks who went to work? And yeah you should? What place did you come to? Ozzi's did not finish? I can't remember. I didn't like, I didn't win. I didn't win ausies clearly, no way. What did they come? I think in a four hundred. I got fourth. That's the closest shouse.

Well, regionals you played before.

Before I continue, I want to tell you something really quick. How much do you reckon? You spent on school uniforms for Oscar.

No idea and April bought the original ones and then they have a second hand shop at the and it's dirt cheap, like five bucks for a pair. Shure.

See I got they upsold me.

I'm surprised by that. You're not easy to upsell. I know I panicked unless it's business class.

Now how much so we made the mistake?

Boys is easy. Boys?

You give them shorts and a polo. Right, yeah, for girls is hard. Let me tell you. Let me take this is for maciek okay, well Macey and to school.

She will have the.

Option of a dress or a squort, skirt, shorts and a polo.

Okay.

Marley was like I want the dress, and we're like, great, dress is beautiful, you can.

Have the dress.

I think may still go the dress to tell her to shut up.

Okay, let me call her right now when she wants that dress. Don't do it.

Don't do it.

Because they all started on the dress and then all the older kids.

Are in skirts. No squirts. Okay, that's just gonn take a little wile. Get my head around the scot scoort.

A scort is a skirt, but shorts.

Okay with you like jawns, like jean shorts, very good, very good, but they're called like you have to go in and ask for sports sneams, also jeekers.

But I had to get Marlek. She now has these dresses that she won't wear, so I have to get her scorts. And Apollo and I went into the uniform shop this morning and I said, can I have two squats and two polos? And she was like, of course, and then she went for the brand new ones and I was like, but there was a line of people and I was like, I was, I panicked. I didn't ask for second one hundred bucks for two for two scots.

I guess, thank you, But I know that we've got the winter uniform coming up. What's the winter uniform? I'm glad you asked. It's a whole new fucking uniform.

Like pants.

Yeah, so pants it's a button up shirt for the boys, for the boys. What I think the shoes stay the same. I hope so. I would hope so, But otherwise I'm going to be out of pocket.

Yeah, home was button up shirt.

Yeah, I don't think. I think we're going to refuse. We've fucking pushed back on that dude pushing into a hole. If they want to make oscar run like four kilometers for cross country, allow that, but you've got to put your foot down, give.

Him a bear of pants.

Yeah, look, I don't know. I just know that the secondhand stuff is so much cheaper.

You've got a man, don't. They saw me and they were.

They pulled your pants down as soon as you walked in here.

I got bent over, bent over in front of it, in front No, she didn't even spit, she did even spit. Just bent me over in front of my child as well. Marley was like dad, and I was like, don't look at this.

Molly May's like while he's spending. When I was asking for something, I got sucked by a pair of Scots. No, are they really long to oscar shorts like shawts? No?

Three like three quarter they're like three quarters. They're like long shorts or short longs. We don't know, we've got to pull.

The other day, he's like, can you do my string up? I was like yeah, but the things up here. I was pretty much doing up his drawstring and he's fucking up his chest.

And that's probably why he came, because you know, the shoe fell off.

It's different. It was a wardrobe malfunction of a different kind. With Oscar, we had our first parent teaching interview. You had your schedule, you wouldn't know.

It's not in the newsletter or.

The awkward silence. Now, it's really starting to make me feel weird. I'm trying, Ash. I know I'm doing a great dad. I'm doing the best that I can a great dad.

And it's a school's fault that you can't get onto the news.

I can't fucking I can't get in there. I can't subscrip.

You and I are very different.

It's like Bergheim nightclub. You can't get in, are you do you? You obviously have the big group chat. Oh yeah, I ignore that.

Oh man. I was like Ashes left immediately before I even saw read one mess.

People were asking you about lunchboxes and I was like, too hot, too hard.

Okay, parent, teacher, have you been scheduleding for your parents? Had last week?

You had your stuff? Me too? Yeah, it's quick. Do you think I suppose at the end of the term now, fucking hell, life goes fast. Oh man, it does go quick. I'm like, you're only forty sorry, fine, Yeah, I'm gonna have to get you.

I don't know if Oscar was like this, Marley was really and it was it was me, Laura Marley was there and Mary's teacher, and Marley was being really silly, like in front of the teacher. Yeah, she was like she was she was like nervous, silly.

Well, she was just being like like bum we we in front of the teacher. And I was like, what do you shut up?

And then I was like, well, you know you're gonna behave and then she was like smack him in the face.

It was they had the report out there.

She was, you know when sometimes in front of other people she was being super silly, very I was embarrassed. That was.

I was just embarrassed we didn't take Oscar. Yeah, it was. I feel like they're better without.

Yeah, yeah, I mean, no one wants to hear what someone has to say about you in front of you to someone else.

It was it was a light touch. It was like, yeah, it was like here's a picture that she drew. Yeah, Like, what do they say about Oscar?

He's good, apparently he's really I don't know where who this kid is. Let's put it this way, I don't know who this He's really cool.

He's s CR, isn't he s r C?

As I was close, he's really Apparently, he's really kind, he's really helpful. He's really he's like really like picks up things really fast.

I've been assaulted by Oscar. You tried to kidnap He's a violent young man. You tried to kidnap him.

If anything, you should be embarrassed about that, because he beat the ship out of you.

Yeah.

So, like all and all really really good, except like classic, my son does get distracted easily.

I was like, yeah, that makes total sense.

But otherwise really good. But I felt like the whole thing was like really daunting, even for us. I was like, I'm nervous.

What's a teacher like?

So there's two teachers they do a job share for the first term because the regular teachers on long service, right, and one of them was heavily pregnant. I'm talking like that about like she's got just finishes up this week because she's gonna give birth to a child. And then both lovely. But I felt like it's the first time experiencing that, like as it was for you. But April and I both felt like it was nerve racking for

Oh yeah, it'd be awful if that were struggling.

Do you know what? I was really really nervous until I had to sit in one of those kids chairs and I thought, this is all silly.

Yeah, you're like your knees are up by you.

I felt like I felt like I was getting in trouble.

I was like, oh shit, And then I was like, this is a bit silly on this chair.

I was I don't know the teacher listens to this podcast, but I was. After five minutes, I was kind of like I was struggling to stay focused.

There you go.

Now my teacher actually has a little thing for Maddie Ja. I gifted the Schools of books for book Fair? Did you give my calendar? I thought that was inappropriate, but actually, just on the calendar really quick. I went and dropped Macy off at her kindy and one of the teachers came up and said, Laurel's got one of your calendars in the staff room. She was gifted for christ Laurel was She was like, oh, I love Maddie j And

So maybe I should come to the next parent teachers, me and you two gay dads? Yeah, how is Macy? By the way, Macy's good.

Macy has learned to toilet train herself somehow. I don't know how.

Just one day she was like I'm finished, and I.

Was like, okay, good time. I was like, time to change and happy walking, and she's sitting on the toilet. Hm, I ordered she again, she's three and a bit.

Okay, that's like prime potty training.

But I didn't.

I feel like she's watching Oscar.

Dude, what it is?

Oscar?

He's now parenting your other child. Well that he's the man of the he you can start paying for ship.

Then he was like for gods, But like I felt like I didn't like both my kids, I don't even think about like I didn't have to do any real toilet training, like like what other than going.

We should we?

Yeah?

I think Laura would always watch Marley and she'd be like, I want to do that, like I want to, I want to I want to experience that ride achievable goal I'm being on the toilet. So Lola was pretty easy even even now. I don't know if Macy's like this Lola. Whenever she's doing a little activity, she locks into it to the point where she pushes the needle very far

And then she's like, ah still does that. He relisself. He was like drawing and he's like, I'm like, we're holding under your dig for mate, go.

Into the piss and like, okay, we right back, and he sprinted off. Macy's doing obviously just all of a sudden, doing ships on the toilet, right, and then I'll be like.

Still wiping though, right she no, She's banging on wiping and I'm like, what is going I got a check, which is weird.

It's so weird, just like be like, come here and let me check your asshole. What's a fucking weird thing.

Is It's weird when you come in there and you're like, alright, term for the asshole inspection. Don't know if I grab your toes?

Hello, hello, oh my god, everything's everything seems to be on now cough.

Sometimes Laola's like I've finished and I'm like, let me have a check.

Oh my god, this ship everywhere?

Yeah yeah, it looks like when you used to when you're a kid, and then you get a drop of paint put it in a piece of paper and a butterfly butterfly and I'm like, did you wipe and Lalla's like yeah, yeah, wall and I'm like, God, you need help. And I'm waiting to go into the bathroom and just see a ship on the side of the fucking tour

Didn't know that she was on the tour.

And I walked past the toll the doors wide open, like it looked at my right. And then she's like holding the book and I was like, what.

The hell is? And then can she read? No?

And then I was like what do you use the book for it?

She just helps me relaxed, and I was like reading the Financial Times.

And she does this weird She's doing this weird walk at the moment where it's like a real smug like like the like the daker on the shirts by the way shirts like that, where it's like she like struts off down the hallway like she's just successfully back a massive turn out.

What is she reading the toilet?

Oh? Just whatever book she can get a hand on.

Good on her, Good on you.

That's great, that's great parenting take for I love how you like, I don't know who's doing it. April's d like blood, sweat and tears, making sure that leaves rolled off, and you're like, it's she's just done it herself.

Shout out to April.

April, Sure did you ask Ash?

We would normally do lies, but I'm gonna I'm gonna rest lies for this week.

Is that a lie?

Okay?

Gotcha? Gotcha? We're gonna rest lies.

Ok.

We're going to bring back lies next week.

We are, but a little.

Reminder that if you do have any lies, we wan't really obscure ones. You know, the crazy, the better send them through to us. But we're going to jump straight into listener questions, Ash, what precious thing you that's beautiful?

Thank you, thank you?

Next question, what precious thing did you or your kids destroy? This is off the back of just little mentioned little nod to your dad destroying the art peace last week?

Yes, yes, yes, yes, I do have something before this as please. I hate to always flash back, but I can.

I just say, don't you dare apologize for hating a flashback because I love them.

Let's go right back. How old also was about oscars age. I lived in Narrabeen in what they call an asbestos house. It's funny because I live in asbestos house now, so I've gone full circle. They say, closed the circle. Here we are and my dad's quite an avid surfer. And when we were kids, we were all coming back from somewhere. I think it was like it must have been a weekend because no one was working, no one was at school.

Like just like a timber fence, and it's it was not the pretty side.

Of the tim offence. You now, there's an ugly side. It was the ugly side because we're poor. Someone else payer defense, Okay, And I recall us driving up the driveway and getting out of the car.

It can I will say, it is quite a flex to have a defence, to have the fence on the nice side.

Yeah, what's your fence situation?

It's definitely nice. You're a nice guy.

Look, it is the nice side on.

Both sides of the house. Yeah.

Oh wow, I know, sorry, must be very nice.

So I don't know what it feels. I'm going to relate to your story, but I just I can't know, I don't get it and didn't get it to me feel poor.

Anyway, So we've gone up. I am on the passenger side behind Mum in my chair.

Anyway, so we've all gotten out of the car.

And I was so so young, so there's like the memory is not completely clear, what it's hazy, But anyway, we've all gotten out of the car. Dad's put his board in the car and gone to reverse back down the driveway and and I don't know if you recall, on the poor side of the fence is where the posts are that keep the structural integrity of said fence.

That dad's source of getting to work.

And I think at the time he had like three jobs because he worked in sales this time.

Okay, so I apologize.

So this was not this is pre sales rep days. No need to yell, Okay, I won't. I refuse not to. He had a couple of different jobs in different areas. But anyway, he was really ropeable about it, and he was ropeable about it for years.

It was the sort of thing where they bring it.

Back up all the time.

He can I just can I just confirm for one second? Yes, was it your fault?

Like was it? Were you in the was it?

I'm imagining right now that everything's happening really quickly, your dad's like, get out of the fucking car, gotta go, gotta go.

Maybe it'll happen too quick. You didn't get a chance. You're grade too, you're grade too, you're like seven.

Yeah, so it was on my side, my door. Hence my fault.

So I've no, no, no, no. Let me finish the story then we can ask questions. So it was I copped the blame because that's my door.

That's unfair. Sorry, it's not unfair. I don't think it's unfair to It's an assumption. That's what that is, whether it's unfair or not.

He assumed. He assumed, They all assumed.

Everyone's assumed.

If you're the driver, you check the doors before you drive.

For years, it was brought up, always, always brought up for so long, come on, thank you, let go now, all the way until teenage years, where it was continually brought up to be it went from being like how pissed off they were about it and how much it costs them in the end to it being like an embarrassing story, like tell people ruin the family. I just did this somewhere around my sixteenth birthday. You didn't ruin the family, as you chose to ignore that. It's again,

So she just stood there watching you get beaten, pretty much smacked up earlyhood.

Where she has finally said it was me.

What was the trigger point for her admitting I can't remember.

I just the guilt was too much.

I think that the guilt got to her evengual and it might have got to the point where you.

Would hold onto that to your deathbed. Really, yeah, you would expect like if she was about to go, she'd be like, by the.

Way the car door was meat, Yeah, fully, what has happened?

I was unsure, like what why she wanted to clear a conscience?

I'm not sure. I mean, we're still talking. This is fifteen years ago that she cleared a conscience. And I was like, I remember for I remember for so long it was like I because the car was fucking ruined, pretty much like it was an old car anyway, and it was like I was always the kid in the family who ruined the car. My sister could never do any wrong. It shaped the rest of my childhood. I reckon because it was like, I remember when you.

Fuck the car up, your piece of shit. Shit, not that my.

Parents spoke to me like that. Mom might have that would yeah wow, but yeah for so long, and my sister would do the they're like, you remember that, and then eventually, like I.

Said, how's your relationship now with your sister?

That's great, We're great.

We're great friends until I get her back eventually.

But yeah, it's a scarring moment. But I was the precious item that I had ruined of my parents.

I'm so sorry you had to experience that. It's like those stories of the person who was like incorrectly charged with murder and they spent the whole life in prison.

That's exactly how I felt.

I felt like I was incarcerated an innocent man. Yes, I felt like it was In the move the Hurricane, No, okay, it's let me just give you the just really quick.

It's quite a long about a car door that gets broken.

It's about a car door that gets written. It's about a boxer who gets framed for a murder. A long time ago, and there was a really famous song called the Hurricane.

To me right now, I'm getting nothing but one word screaming into my vision.

What do you mean, Hollywood movie imagine they're making a blockbuster movie out of me ruining the card?

This has got I mean, I think screenwriters would be salivating right now.

Years I lived in shamee I lived. I was suppressed for years in my own family home.

Yeah, betrayed.

I was betrayed by your own legend. What I have never been able to trust ever again?

Anyone? Anyone?

Wow, the sight of a car door like it s inspiral, sends me spiraling.

Yeah, every time you shot a car door flashbacks.

Yeah. Now, I'm like every time you see a fence, anytime someone weirs about me slamming their door, I'm like, well, you gotta be sure, you gotta be careful, and you gotta be sure.

This has got to be made into a movie. Surely we should do it.

It'll we know.

A start Man Arrival was a hurricane based on a true story.

It is a true story, but there you go, And there was a ten minute song the was it. This is the story of the hurricane, but this is.

A story of a car door.

How's the go again, Jess, can you just get that song up really quick?

How does it go?

Again?

It's not important anyway. It's goot feature film written all over it.

Who would play me? Probably young?

You have to play yourself, dude. Probably with Ai you could. They could do like a young version of yourself. You wouldn't need to.

Have like an upper up and what up and coming young actor to play me. That's what I want, okay, and then the teenage version of me. Don't make him look as awkwards idea as a teenager. I want like a nice, pristine teenager.

I'll do it the pristine teenager, can we That's a bit much.

Very very very Harvey Weinstein of you.

That's what I was going for.

There's two things that I I originally said that in my mind. So I didn't break anything. Actually I did break a few things.

Just twenty four other women's hearts on the Bachelor.

Jesus, A couple of things, just old old note. We we ended up having our neighbors. It wasn't like a mountain bike. It was like a cruiser bike. Did a few jumps on it.

Sick.

I used to I used to was. I was very bad. I used to love riding bikes. But I would always like trying and hit jumps fall off.

You got to hit jumps, you got hit the jump. What's the point of having a bike if you're not hitting jump?

Well, said sick, So broke the bike. My dad when I was this is like really young. My dad had these machetes.

Okay, what's the name ivan that.

He had bought he was working in Pappa Ne, Guinea. There were like these like carved machetes. They were like I can't again, very hazy.

This is when I'm let's hope. So that's like six.

So when you do get questioned about the machetes.

And I remember they were like not machetes, you would use the old machetes that would be like on a mantelpiece on display.

In a psychopath's house.

Yes, okay, And I have this memory with my oldest sister or brother where we took the machetes. We went down into the backyard there was a big rock and we would then smash the rock with a machete and it made little sparks and we were like, how cool is this. We're making fire And we just like bashed the hell out of the machete until they were all like dinted in from the rock because we like making sparks, and then we just put them back until my dad came home and was like, what the fuck is this?

Okay, you ruined the man's hobby pretty much his prize possessions.

Do we know what they cost? Though?

No I don't, but they were priceless. Yeah, why do kids do dumb shit like that?

Then I will just say as well, last thing, this one is etched into my mind. We used to have a ride on lawnmower shut up, and I used to really love the ride on lawnmower. It's very slow, but we had at one point a little slope and.

To hit the jumps on that too. Well, I.

Got the hose out and we're like with then a bit of an incline. I wet it so all the grass was like real greasy, and then I would hit it at pace and then turn and drift and do a bit sick that is good. And then I did that a number of times until I kind of went faster and faster and sharper and sharper, until I ended up rolling the ride on lawnmower down the hill and

And then you're like, that was sick, Let's do it again.

And then I was like I couldn't I couldn't lift, I couldn't correct the lawnmower it and I think I just left home. I just my mum was away and my dad was coming home, and I was like, well for me, yeah, see guys, my backpack off to the bus and I went to a MAT's house.

A police weren't falsely accused. Man, I've got a question for you. I know we're not really in the you know we did last week talk about Christmas and the guy that had the fucking Christmas music on.

Yes, but in terms of gift giving, of course, birthdays, birthdays are.

They do happen throughout the year.

I am aware of that. Actually, sorry, I didn't mean to just a reminder. I did remind you about Laura's birthday the other day.

Yes, when's your birthday again?

I'm not telling you because you forget every year and you're like, what July seven.

July six, your April. You're coming up. I'm going to missage April.

You're the worst. What are the worst you? What are the worst presents you can give a child? It's birthday, Christmas, regardless, just presents. Top three? Give me your top three worst.

I'm going to start with number three. A carryoke machine. That was my number two.

I think they're like they're a nightmare.

Well, I told that story that I got one from my mother in law and I hit it and we never and the kids never asked about it ever again.

You'll play with it for a day, a week at the most, and then you got you got to bury.

That one day it was gone. Literally it was Boxing day, and I'm like this.

There is one thing that kids do not need. It's a piece of equipment to amplify their voice.

You might as well give them a drum kit.

Yes, Like I say, for anyone out there, don't give karaoke machines to kids.

No good one. What's your do you want to do?

What's your number three?

My number three is hot wheels tracks. I thought that would be a great gift in theory. Yeah, when I first heard Oscar, I was like, oh, who love hot wheels track? But there's a couple of things with them. The firstly is the hot wheels. Cars get left on the ground and in the dark if their flips upside down,

Like, I'm going to do this track and it's gonna work.

And because they don't understand physics at that age, well neither do I. It I know what's kind of going to work and what's not going to work. The frustration just I just end up. I've hidden them. I've got a box full of them, and I've hidden them because it's the worst.

My second, my number two on my list slime that is bad. Slime is just like, if there is one, if anyone brings in slime into this household, within seconds, I'm putting that in the fucking bin.

I'm gonna hard slime through it.

Because it just like it gets everywhere, gets on the carpet gets in the kid's hair, stinks.

That smell it.

Like it just ends up every where and then it dries hard. It's it's hard to get off.

How would you define that smell.

It's like a chemical chemical, synthetic rubbery concox.

It's nuclear. That's a very good word for its nuclear. It's essentially that you're bringing in nuclear waste into a household.

And usually because it's slime and it's meant to be appillion with kids, it's bright colored and the kids don't get it, like, they don't they don't know how to play with it. Okay, they don't know how it works. How does slime work? It's like what are you trying to what are you trying to achieve with slime? It's like even a big thing, a chewing gum, like it just end up fucking everywhere.

And no need for it. There should be. Hey, there's an election coming up. One thing that I want to have as a rule legislation ban slime.

Will stop full stop. Yeah, there's a whole aisle dedicated to slime in like some shops, the slim shop. Now aha, number two for me? Do you know what I hate?

Going in again? In theory, it's like this would be cool. I also going to love this kids.

You anything remote control drives me fucking wild.

Okay.

I think the first time that you get given a remote control calf, your kid does and you you're in charge of setting up, it's like the novelty wars wears off real quick before it's like annoying. They usually make annoying sounds. The batteries never last that long, are expensive, and then there's the meltdown when you don't have the appropriate batteries, and I just think you're setting the parent up there for a lot of failures after you've given

I didn't know that that's very.

Anything remote control. It's simple, okay. My number one number one melted bead kits. Oh you know, you know the ones where you have like a triangle shape and then you put the beads on and you iron it like it's so delicate, it's so near, and but I can barely finish the shape, and trying to get a toddler not toddler that because are not toddler. Sorry, I apologize to try and get my child under the age of ten to complete that.

Like it's just it's essentially it becomes a point where you're just playing with it.

I'm doing and the beads end up fucking everywhere.

There's a moment when done, when you're ironing, like the choices of I made in life for this to be what I'm doing.

I can't tell you in those those cupboards down there, how many times I've gone to get something out, like a charger and then I've hit the bead bowl and beads of bloody who When the kids are like, we play with the beads, it's it's just it's awful. It's guaranteed to end up in tears. The kids are frustrated, they're annoyed, and then like when you do iron it and then they're like, they're not happy with it.

It's just no beads. I'm gonna give you my number one now please. And I received this from my sister, the one who blamed me for the car thing.

So thanks, Beth. A kazoo go on.

So A kazoo is a small mouth whistle sort of thing that goes.

Is it kind of like they had the world Cupella.

It's like a minivozella and the kazoo family.

It's it's it's one of the kazoo relatives.

Yes, it's an offspring of the kazoo.

I thought say so.

It's like a baby kazoo.

Right, no way, vizella sorry, baby Vouverzella is a 's evolution, the evolution of life. Where we going? Where am I going with it? Let me continue though. My child, Oscar was two for his second birthday. Got him. It's like a metal kazoo, and the problem is with the kazoo, is it doesn't. It's like a harmonica, also part of the Ververzella family. It's actually the distant cousin of the kazoo. It's a wind instrument. Would you just like the trumpet anyway? Sorry,

Oh my dad, flying, flying, flying, flying, flying, fine, fine, fine one, I like dressing dance prettings.

But she brought him a kazoo for a second birthday.

But the problem with second birthday, Yeah, but she did.

It from on purpose, you know why? She did it, asshole, to annoy the shit out of me. And a week later I was like, this fucking kazoo. I've got to get rid of it. But the problem is I kept throwing it away and it kept reappearing.

You know how, like just was a cursed kazoo.

It was like a boomerang, not related to the kazoo. Just to clarify, that's more of a hobby throwing hobby. No wind instrument with a It just kept turning back up and I think it was crushed.

It was.

It continued to make noise, and all what happen is at like six o'clock in the morning, Oscar would like wake up and I'd hear this in my own personal hell. So if you're listening to this list, do not buy unless you really hate.

Them A kazoo. A kazoo for a child.

Also vi visella love that in that nothing nothing in the related instrument. Please unless they're talented at.

It, which remember, my kid is talented at that age. My dad got a harmonica.

My dad plays guitar, and he wanted to play guitar and harmonica at the same time, which I don't know if you've seen the contraption that that is goes over your neck and it holds the Dylan. Yeah, very good reference. Thank you, very very good. You've seen it. And he got a harmonica. I remember my sister we hated it. We all hated it. But I think he knew what he was doing as well. Do I just live in a family full of evil people where he would just be like eventually we had to hide it from him.

And on that note, it's been a pleasure. It's been a joy. If you have any listener questions, please submit them to us either on social media two Doting Dads Instagram, Facebook, TikTok.

Give us your lists, your list of toys that you should just well, things you just shouldn't get a child. Weapons, don't get them weapons, no michetes. I wouldn't recommend it. They'll end up damaged or they'll kill each other just don't get any like ka Zoo. And if you enjoyed this episode, please leave a review, subscribe, send to a friend, whatever you like, or you can join us on socials. Two Doting Dads on Instagram, TikTok. And of course I said that before. I just I said that.

I've already said to social media.

I'm just gonna through a lot of trauma these days. Bro repeat things I said it.

And if you want to leave us a review, subscribe, comment very let us know.

That's yeah.

Hey, we'll get out of here. Is anything else?

I think that's it. We'll see you guys next week.

Bye. You are with another man? How's it go again? I can't remember?

He was in the army, he drove tanks, gaba.

It was it again? You were with another man? Hang, and I'll think of it that it's not your best? What's that? Two Doting Dads podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and the connections to land, see and community. We pay our respects to their elders past and present and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torrestrate Islander peoples today.