Frozen Frights #16- Harry

Mm-hmm. It's time for Tales of Terror only on the Mutual Audio Network. The following audio drama is rated previously. for parental guidance recommended. Hey, this is Jeff from the Icebox Radio Theater and we'll get on with the show in just a second, but I wanted to come on first and very briefly let you know about our brand new Patreon page. Now Patreon is a relatively new crowdfunding source.

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New audios, theater of suspense and terror. On Icebox Radio Well, not actually hell, of course. Hell has a better choir. No, this is Earth. Or was Earth some time ago? Years, I think. Or was it centuries? I can't remember. The eons tend to sort of blur together after a while. You would think if he could make a being capable of living 10,000 years, he would have given us a better memory. But no. My memory is similar to yours.

Bits and pieces like leaves blowing in the wind. Diamonds and lint all mixed up together. But this choir, this choir I remember. I remember the church too. Whether it was a diamond or a piece of lint, I won't say. Not yet, anyway. Let's just say it was a place filled with regular folks. Beige on beige, middle-class, upstanding Midwestern Americans.

Americans in the middle of yet another revolution. The 20th century rise of evangelicalism. Whatever that meant, all I knew was that a church like theirs was the perfect hiding place. If you don't recognize it, that was the sound of money. I wish the sound of money told more of a story, but it's as dishwater bland as everything else in this place.

The only reasonably interesting thing about this money was the fact that I was counting it. I was counting the Sunday collection as I did most Sundays. They trusted me here. I was Head Usher, a respected old man, a nice guy. And I liked them. Especially this one. Hi Harry. Pastor Tom, the new associate pastor. That's second in command for you non churches. Young by the standards of the ministry. Pretty young wife who's a doctor, besides.

Very concerned about the soul of the church and the souls of its members. Earnest, sincere, helpful. He would give you the shirt off of his back. How uh how we doing? But today, if you can't tell, he's tried. What was that, pastor? Oh I I I asked how you're doing. Oh about the same, a little down from last week, said Oh oh no, I I wasn't asking about the collection. I was asking about you. Me? Fine. No complaints. Yeah. Something on your mind, Pastor Tom? What? You seem a bit distracted, I said.

NONONONO You seem a bit distracted. Well I suppose I guess I

Now this is the point where things get really interesting. You see, Tom needed to talk. And for some reason, he wanted to talk to me. I don't know why people in his position always seem to trust me, but they do. Tom was in spiritual crisis. He's going to tell you all about it shortly, but there's a couple of things you should know first. Tom was very new to the church and to town. He was still figuring out things in this little community, including why life at this particular church was so

Troubling. We were healthy, hues were full, collection plate too, but that was all the more worrying for Tom. Tom, you see, was the rarest of rarities. A religious type that thought in terms of quality, not quantity. Uh actually do you have a minute, Harry? I'll let him tell the rest. Well sure, Pastor, what's on your mind? I Nothing really, just uh well yeah. You've been here a long time, haven't you? Twenty years, head usher the last ten. Yeah, that's what I thought. I I I was wondering Yes.

Yes. If things have always been like this, she said. Sorry I don't follow. Well okay. Unique. Sure. We're a long way from everyone else remote, I mean. Sure. And and sometimes when people all gather together in remote communities like this, different different sorts of cultures emerge, languages, different customs, uh points of view. Yeah, yeah, I guess. So that's what I'm thinking. Uh our town here it's it's it's different. Different. Different. Yeah, okay.

Different how, you don't mind my asking. Yeah, it's just I'd never been around a place like this before. What kind of place is that? Yeah. Small insular What? Oh well y you you see what I mean though, right? About the town being different. Yes. Right, right. Pastor, if you don't mind my saying so, you look like a man trying to get something off his chest. Oh no, no, no. No Well yes. That's the spirit. Now do you really think that's Of course. Thy shalt not bear false witness and all that yet.

See, because that's that's well okay, here's an example. Okay. People lie in this town. Okay. Well okay, I g I guess that came out a little harsh. Maybe they don't lie more, but it seems it seems like lying doesn't bother people very Yeah. Well, I don't know about that. Ugh, I d th I don't think I'm saying this correctly. Let me explain. You know how some people will sometimes tell a little white lie just to avoid a confrontation?

Sure. My wife, God bless her soul, had terrible hair for twenty years, but she never heard it from me. Well Well we have a we we have a whole church full of folks here. I mean not lies about hair and stuff like that, but we you know what I mean. Yes. To the point of pretty much lying constantly. Oh I don't know. Really? Do you know what I heard Mr. Grunwald say just now? What's that? Well he was talking to Gary Pierce about the election. Those two? Wow, that must have been something.

That's just it. mister Grunwald told Gary he thought the president would do a fine job now that we reelected him.

Well, what's wrong with that? I'm on Facebook with mister Grunwald. He's building a secret bunker in his basement for when the president comes to take his guns away. No, I'm sure that's just talk. He put up pictures. So how as how can he look Gary in the eye like that? Harry, I want to minister to these people, but that doesn't always mean being nice. Tough question, surely. I mean sometimes you gotta you gotta challenge them, right? Oh you're actually asking me? Yes.

Oh gosh, I don't know. Seems like things have worked pretty good so far. Why go changing? Well I'm not really thinking about changing so much. It's uh I'm just thinking about challenging people a little more. That would be a change, yes. Yeah, but would it be a good change? You're asking me again? Yes. Yes, I'm really asking you could could I challenge these people more?

Well, on one hand, folks is plenty tough up here. Winters are tough. Most folks are second-third generation. They're used to facing some hardship. Right. But on the other hand, Mill's been in a bad way. They're talking layoffs again, and the company's already closed that mill out in Idaho, and I heard it was more profitable than ours. Without a mill, well, I don't know if we have a town or not. Oh. So maybe what they need is hope, you know? Someone to tell'em things are going to be okay.

Are things gonna be okay? No idea. Thing is, you don't want people to lose hope. They got their homes and their TV sets for losing hope. Church, they need something else. Something more positive, except of course during election season. You're a wise man, Harry. Uh I'm not a man. Sure. Whatever. Thanks for talking. My pleasure, Pastor. Slight smile of the floor. Obviously. Yeah. I'm just a queer old girl. Hello? Hello, you got home early? I didn't accept anyone's invitation for Sunday dinner.

Oh. Babyborn yet? She's still at eight centimeters and holding. No one's worried. This is Barb's fifth, after all. How is your Your sermon next week? Oh yes, uh it's my sermon next week. Oh I am I I'm sorry. Don't apologize, it's one of the few things about you I understand. Мені Well, when you trail off in the middle of your sentences it means you're really concentrating Yeah. Um Like that. And it's nice because I don't understand much else you do. You don't. Not really.

You're kind yet you scream at the football men on T V. You can build a table or hang a door perfectly, but you can't butter bread or boil water.

You're the one person I trust to interject a logical perspective and Now who's trailing off? And yet you're a minister. I don't suppose I could avoid that question by offering myself carnally. Well it's always worked before. Yes. Yes it has. But alas not this time. No? Well, of course, the more I think about it, the more that changes. But I'm neck deep in something at the moment. I don't really want to think about our old argument. You know, the my faith versus your whatever. Uh doubt.

We're quite a pair, the logical doctor and the flighty priest. Worst BBC sitcom ever. All right. Never mind. You said you were neck deep in something? Yes. वान तक बात बात बात? Oh, I don't know. I'm afraid my sentences will trail off again. It's about church. I tried to talk to Harry again today. Oh that's Just I I couldn't do it. I need to talk to him, but I got sidetracked about the lies. What lies? Oh y you know, the Minnesota nice ones, the little ones people tell constantly.

Uh that's a problem? That's a symptom of a problem. The point is I hadn't meant to talk about it with Harry, but when the time came I just couldn't help myself. I think you're making too big a deal about him. Really? Look, I've been to plenty of churches in my life, and all of them had Harries. There was always some usher or a deacon that seemed to be there, but never went into the sanctuary. You're right, of course.

You help a lot of people. Why worry about this one guy? So he doesn't want to go into church. A couple of hundred do want to, don't they? You're right, you're right. It's it's just uh The lost sheep? Wow, you do listen in church, but Actually I think the parable of the lost sheep is more Sunday school. Uh but it applies. And the thing about Harry, I don't know why he's a lost sheep. You are not letting go of this, are you? I don't know. Yes, maybe D no Hey, hey

Easy. I'm sorry. I just I keep thinking about when we were in school and we spent all those hours at the coffee shop talking about what was wrong with the world. Ah yes, my pretentious period. Mine too, but we were so sure we could go out and save it. Oh, everyone else in our class just wanted to make money, but we were gonna change things. You were gonna save lives, I was gonna save souls, and now I feel like working inside the church is making things worse. I need to talk to Harry. What?

He comes into the building, he goes through his routine, he helps he work. He does everything he's supposed to do, and I never once seen him worship. And that's a big deal. Abbey worship is why everyone goes there. If you had access to the creator of the universe, wouldn't you want to use it? I guess. I've got to talk to him. Harry? Or the creator of the universe? Second one first. Okay. Hello, Harry?

Hello Paston. Oh no, I'm under strict orders to keep quiet during the hymns, my singing could raise the devil. You have no idea. Yeah. Oh, and I I kinda wanted to talk to you. Coffee's on, like a cup. Well uh sure, I guess. You know, in an odd way, that's uh kind of what I wanted to talk to you about. What's that? The coffee? Ah, it's Edna again, isn't it? No, no, no, not that.

Tell her I make it strong because I like it strong, and you can always fill your cup part way and top it off with hot water. But you start with wheat coffee like Ednawatz, where do you go? Add instant? Harry, the coffee's fine. I need to talk to you about something else. Oh, sounds serious. Oh uh well kinda. I guess. What is it? I was uh I was wanting to ask you a question about something. Yes. I notice you hardly ever go into church. I'm not sure I follow. You never seem to go into church.

Uh huh. Still not sure I follow. Oh look I don't want this to be uncomfortable. I mean I'm in church now, aren't I? Well, technically you're just inside the building. Is there something else you want done? Is this about that back garden I said I'd weed? I didn't really want to start on that until the ground dries out. Yeah. Yeah, I think so. Oh well I've decided I'm going to do that. Oh. And I want to start with you. So you want to challenge me? Well yeah, it works out to that. So um yeah.

I'm not sure how to respond there, but I Look, Harry, it it's a simple thing. You do everything for this church. You're head usher, you make sure the heat's on Sunday mornings, sweep the snow off the steps, make sure the coffee gets made. We trust you with all the collection and the banking and everything. You're one of the most important people here. Oh I don't know about that. that. But when it comes time to go in and worship, where are you? Well I generally take a little break then.

Yeah, and that's my point. Why don't you come into church with us? You do so much for the church the rest of the time. Come in and enjoy worship with it. Oh well I really can't do that. Why not? I'd burst into flame. Come on. They're just about to start another hymn. We'll stand in the back. Actually, Pastor, that's not a good idea. Oh I'm not afraid. Well then at least explain to me why you won't go in. I already did. No, seriously, come on.

I know you think I know you think your sins are too great to be forgiven, but that's not how it works, Harry. Pastor, the Almighty and I have an understanding.

Now that I've heard before. Yeah, I'd imagine you have, but in my case, it's for real. Come on, Harry, stand up with me. Wait, what are you what are you doing? Come on, come on. up with you. No, the pastor, you can't. Come on, just one song. I really think uh you you shouldn't do this. Uh are are you dragging me? Wrestling team in college. You forced me to take drastic measures there. No. Just one song, come on. No, it's not so bad, is it? Harry! Yeah. You're on fire! Well, I tried to tell you.

Yeah. Cover was blown. Or so I thought. Before you ask, no, nobody else saw me. I was in the back of the church, and the people were all facing front, and Pastor Larry, who was up at the pulpit, ready to start his sermon, had his head down, scanning some notes. That when a man burns The flames someone would have noticed. But for the life of me I can't figure out what. Tom gingerly pushed me out the door, at which point my little problem took care of itself, and he rapidly took me to a door.

Where he shut and locked the door. White as a ghost. MY is a ghost here, Harry. I can see that. Are you are you all right? Yeah, for the most part, I'll have to get this suit clean, however. I'm I'm I'm sorry, I I I didn't I I w I uh I I wasn't uh Pastor, did anyone ever tell you your voice trails off when you think real hard? Never mind. Here, I'll help you. Sit down. I just um Have a seat there behind your desk. Now take a deep breath. And let it out, please. Oh I'm lightheaded now.

Sorry, maybe that wasn't such a great idea. Yeah. You have to tell me how you did that. Well it's not really something I did, it's more something that was done to me. But you burst into flame. I d How Well, truth be told, Pastor, I can do it any time I want. It's only sometimes I can't help it. Being in the same room as an altar and a cross kind of takes things out of my hands. Understand? No, no, I I I really don't. W was that some kind of a magic trick? Oh heavens no

Have you seen the magic tricks they do these days? Catching on fire is old hat. Besides, I told you, I didn't do it on purpose. Yes. Who are you? You don't think I'm Harry Jones, age sixty three, head usher of your church? I don't know. Come on, what do you really think? Okay, I don't think you're Harry Jones. Good. This process is always easier if people don't keep fighting for the illusion. But if you're not Harry Jones. Who are you?

If it's all right with you, I'd just as soon leave my name out of it for right now. I'm uh kind of in hiding. Are you a fugitive? In a sense. So the authorities are after you. Again, in a sense. Unless of course you're talking about the police or the FBI. In that case, I should remind you that the reason I'm here is that I burst into flames in the presence of an altar to Jesus the Christ. I don't think that's technically illegal. Right. Right. Ah, I can see it in your eyes. Wait a minute.

Coming together for you now, isn't it? Are you are The Lord of Darkness, the Prince of Lies, Beals above Lucifer, old scratch the devil. No, but I work for him, and I really wish you wouldn't tell him I'm here because I'm in far too much trouble as it is. I I don't uh I don't understand. No, I imagine you don't. You can't expect me to believe that you're actually What are you expecting me to believe, actually?

That I am a member of the Army of Darkness, one of Satan's spear carriers, a pawn of the Prince of Night, a demon. Care for a light, Your thumb's on fire. It's closer to the fact to say my thumb is fire. I used to use that trick all the time, but people so seldom smoke anymore. I kind of miss it. Harry early. You're you're gonna have to help me out here. I'm sorry, Tom. I believe I understand your problem. Yeah.

Of course. You thought you believed in the Nicene Creed, the virgin birth, and all that stuff. But like everyone else in this church, the closest you've come to seeing a real manifestation of the supernatural is a last second touchdown pass. you have never been confronted with the reality of what you believe before. But I don't believe in demons. Well don't do that. I detest humans that treat these things like a menu. I don't understand.

A menu. Two from column A, one from column B. Pick and choose exactly what you want, leaving out the unsavory bit. It's a big universe, Tom, and you've never had a peek at the blueprints. You have no idea what exists or doesn't exist. But you can't be a demon, he said. I assure you I am. You're a deacon of my church. You're head usher. You've you've been here for years. Yes, hiding out. How much damage have you done?

Before we move on to the inevitable accusations, may I take your sudden lurch in that direction as a sign that you actually believe me. I don't know what I believe anymore, but I want to know what you've done to this church. Everything you see me do, and nothing else. I swept the steps, turned on the heat, made sure the coffee was made. Are are you telling me that you're a demon and you've served my church for twenty years? Why is that so hard to believe? Why is What are you gonna tell me next?

Jesus and Satan have a poker night? God goes down to hell once a month for a meatball supper and canasta? Now you're just making fun of me. I look like I'm making fun. My whole world has been turned upside down. You're either a lunatic with a neat magic trick or an agent of evil incarnate.

Yes, well, believe me, I'd rather be the lunatic. Okay. I'm gonna humor you. All right. Harry. Of course not, but call me by it anyway. You're here on earth, uh in what mortal form? Why, it is my realm. Yeah. What? Realm, place, job, if you will. I am occasionally called back to Hades, but not terribly often. Isn't your kind supposed to be down down there?

My kind is a little more diverse than you might think. There are those who specialize in torment. They are useful in Hades, where lost souls fall to their eternal reward. I'm more of a recruiting specialist. So you cause people to fall. Drop the judgmental tone. You know as well as I do most people don't need much of a push. So how many of my people have you sent down there? Are you angry, Tom? Just answer the question. You are. You're angry at me.

Mrs. Lewis, she died last year. Where is your She calm down, let me explain. And five years ago they had that car crash with the Parkers? We're just getting over that as a church. If you tell me any of those wonderful people are It's Tom. Trash can. Just relax. Yeah. You're taking a lot in here. Here. Thank you. I don't suppose it would help to tell you that you're taking this quite well. Why are you here? The Icebox Radio Podcast will be back right after this. And there I was. Master's office.

Yes, this wasn't the first time. Good lord no. It's my own fault, of course. I keep trying to hide out in churches among the faithful. What can I say? It's a weakness. I often enjoyed being caught by the pastor, the way their eyes bug out, their heart rates shoot up. It really is quite something to see a man confronted with the realization that everything he'd been preaching for his entire career was actually true. But I took no pleasure this time. Why are you here?

As I've said, I liked Pastor Tom, and this was bound to end badly for him. I told you, I'm highly. Waiting. Thank you. From what? From him, of course. Who do you think? Mean God? Believe it or not, that's impossible. No, I'm speaking of my boss. You can hide from Satan. Don't sound so surprised. His reach is limited. He can go anywhere there's a human mind, but he's kind of limited beyond that. Cast out, remember? So you're hiding? In a church?

He'd never think to look for me here. And that, incidentally, is why you can trust me. What do you mean? If I were to deliver a soul from this church up on a silver platter, the soul would surely blab about my being here. The souls talk plenty, you know. They'll talk your ear off for the first decade or more. Why? Mm? Why? Assuming you are what you say you are, and you're doing no harm, why are you hiding out? Hard to explain. Uh it's kinda like um midlife crisis. But to hide in a church.

I like churches, I like religious people, I like the rituals and the songs and the comforting monotony, the whole thing. That's normal for a demon? Ah hell no, I'm very unpopular where I come from. I can imagine. Most of them can't wait to get up in the morning and fall some people. But then again, they're not sloth. A be I beg pardon? It's my sin. You mean like one of the seven deadly sins?

Evangelical or not, you went right there. I'm proud of you. Yes, one of the seven deadly sins. We're all assigned one. Mine is sloth, and you can't go around inspiring people to be lazy for five thousand years without a bit of it rubbing off. So that's why you're hiding out in my church, you're lazy. Slothful would be closer to it. I don't know. I'm not sure what to say. I mean, I don't believe this naturally. You don't believe what? I don't believe any of it.

Yeah, okay, I mean I can envision a universe with demonic forces. I can believe those demonic forces may take on corporeal forms sometimes, but hiding out in a church to a avoid work. You sound like you belong in a loony bin, Harry. I changed. Tried that once, but it wasn't the same. Besides, there were many other demons around. You talk about lazy, tempting on the mentally ill, please help me. Harry, I don't know how you're doing this and I don't know why, but I think you need help.

No, Tom, please don't. I I mean you've obviously learned that magic trick and and you put in a lot of time here, but I I think the strain has gotten to you. Strain of what? I'm a demon of sloth. I haven't even bathed in two hundred years. Mm. Right, we we have to get you some help. So that's your tact. I'm an escaped lunatic. Right. What's it gonna take? What's what gonna take? To keep your mouth shut. Money. Is that cool?

Yes, I'm not certified for greed, but I did take a course in school. I can do it, believe me. But it'll be a little stilted and out of date. But I am quite good at lust. Here. Your idea of lust is making my cell phone ring. Look at the number. Well I don't recognize this. Beth Dougal? You never had the courage to ask her out in high school, but you did have the courage to connect her. Weren't you surprised when she said it had been reciprocated?

She divorced last year, you know. And she's been thinking about you. And I'm supposed to believe this is her calling me. Answer it if you don't believe me. Went a voicemail.

Course it did. Shake it leader. Harry, I still think you need help. Let's say for the moment that I do. Let's say all the empirical evidence of your senses is lying to you, that the phone call was a salesman, that the money Hey, where'd it go? Oh, sorry, limited time offer. Let's say that the money was all an illusion. What will your next move be? I will get you some help. I'll refuse to do it.

Then I'll tell everybody I had a little joke on the pastor. They'll all think it was funny. Some will think it's in bad taste, and they will all forget about it before the ice cream on their Sunday pie a la mode has melted, unless you make an issue of it. I'll tell them, I'll explain it to them. And I will continue to do that. You, on the other hand, will start to seem to be a little bit more than a little bit.

Strange to them, what is it with Pastor Tom and this weird obsession with poor old Harry? Look, you need help. You're right, I do. I need to stay here a while longer, and I can't do it without you. The best help I can give you is to get you out of here and to a doctor.

You can try, but I can be awfully convincing. I've had thousands of years of practice in front of doctors, judges, tribunals, you name it, all sorts of human authorities made up of frail, distracted souls who are only on this earth for a short time. So short, they don't see how alike they all are. You will have to work hard, Tom. You will have to work very hard to convince them of my insanity, and it's not a sure thing.

If you fail, it'll be you they throw the butterfly net over. Besides, I don't really believe you want to put me away. No. You were angry a minute ago, angry at the thought that I might have tempted some good people in this church into damnation. It was only when I convinced you of the benign nature of my stay here that you played the crazy card. Maybe I just can't imagine a demon with my best interests at heart.

Oh, I don't have your best interests at heart. I just like you. I like everyone here. One of the advantages of um let's see, um going on sabbatical, let's call it, is that you're not working all the time. Since I'm in hiding, I don't feel the need to tempt. Live and let live is my motto. I'm supposed to believe you're going to stay in this state of enlightened laziness for the rest of your life?

No, just for the rest of yours. I can't hide forever. Sooner or later he'll find me and insist I go back to work. The truth is, it's kind of an ongoing problem for those of us in sloth. I doubt it'll be more than a slap on the wrist, but I figure I'm good for another century or so. And I'm supposed to trust you. Help me out. Am I still a lunatic or have we moved past that? I think you're a danger to this congregation. We've moved on.

I don't know who or what you really are, but I think that you need to go. I'll just go find another church. Do you want that on your conscience? You need to go. You have no grounds, Tom. I'll think of something. You can't make an old man leave. What will people think? Besides, how are you going to do it? You can't very well drag me out the door. Ah, you know what I mean. You can't very all drag me out the door and keep your job. People won't understand why you're doing that to poor old Harry.

Don't worry, I won't need to drag you. Good. Now let's I Just need to cast you. What? I can cast you out in Jesus' name. I believe that's how it works, right? Tom, think about this. I am thankful. You might want to reconsider. To cast one of my kind out is to bring much attention to oneself. Is that your idea of a threat? You should consider this. There's no way that having a demon occupy my church is good. The previous twenty years would make an argument against that. Harry, tell me your name.

Don't. Is your name? Tom, you need to think about this. In the name of Jesus, who are you? Else! Or it's Alpha. Very well, Belfagore. I in the name of Jesus Christ cast you out Cast you out Now I will bring them all down. I will bring the fires of hell itself down on this church. I know every last person here, what their secret temptation is, what they fear the most, what their breaking point is. I know them all, Tom. I could command an army of demons with a novel.

over the last twenty years. And how much of a fight would your people put up. Look at them out there. Could they resist for long? Could they? I'd have them murdering each other within the week. Give me a month. I may even have them hanging the cross upside down. Damn you. Too late. Hello? Oh Larry. I'm fine, I I'm just I'm fine. That's right. There's a Uh I'm uh uh still a little under the weather. Have you been to C. I live with a doctor. She says there's nothing physically wrong with me.

What what kind of thing happens? This happens. Why don't you come into my office? Can we meet someplace else? I I I don't want to come into the building if I can help it. My place? All right.

Larry? How's Harry? Yeah. Here's the thing. My uh crisis my crisis has to do with Harry. Why? What would Harry do? I'd just as soon not go into that over the phone, but when you come, could could you bring him? Could you just do it please? I I'd like him to be here. It will. Tom? Yeah. Um are you sure this is a good idea? It's the only way. Only way to what exactly? To get them to understand. Who A con cong congregation stuff everyone. Oh that reminds me. Are you on call tomorrow at one?

Yes, I'm on eleven to nine. What's going on? Could you be here anyway? Right at one, I mean. It should only take a few minutes. What should only take a few minutes? I it it'd be better if I didn't explain anything. The effect would be well okay. Tom, you're scaring me. Very time. You haven't been to work in two weeks. You won't talk about why and now you're building up the first time. What is that thing? An altar.

You're building an altar in our living room. Why the hell is there an altar in our living room? The hell indeed. I've been doing research. I think I have all the steps for a blessing down. I just have to dedicate it and everything should work. Uh Harry said it was an altar and a cross that did it. I need to build a cross. Two by fours. Oh, and I need more shims. Hardware store. Oh yeah, there was a list. What was the mama? Fire extinguisher. That's what I need. Mm. Tell me what's going on now.

Like I said, it'd be better if I didn't. The effect would be so much better. You stink. What? You stink to high heaven when did you last shower? Oh no I don't. I the other day, I think. You've stopped working, you've stopped bathing. You're not cooking on your nights to cook. I like pizza. You're not telling me what's going on. I told you I have to What? You can't possibly understand how important this is. Can you at least tell me what it's about? About church. Okay. And uh Harry.

I wondered what about Harry? And don't say I have to wait until tomorrow. But I think it would be better. Because my husband has gone crazy, and I'm just discovering that I might be a little more dependent on him than I realized. And if I can't depend on him to at least be sane, I'm not sure my patients will be very safe. What are you saying?

I'm saying I need you, Tom. I need you to be yourself again. I can't concentrate at work any more. I'm worried. I'm worried about you all the time, and I don't work at a shoe counter. My patients need me to concentrate or Or or things will happen. I need you to tell me what is going on. I I think I know what you mean. Good. And I can't. Why not? Because you'd think I'm crazy, I'm sure. Look around! I already think that! You need to trust me. to Abby. I I need you to. Need. I don't understand.

I know. And right now I really hate you for that. I know. Be careful. Come in. Hello Tom! Are are you alone? Yes, Harry couldn't make it. Ciao. Yeah, been doing some remodeling, I see. Yeah. What uh what is that? A a sideboard? Why couldn't Harry come? Well, he he didn't say. Maybe he should sit down. He just said he couldn't come. That's all he said to me. Sit down, Tom, please. That's not all he said, is it? No, it isn't.

Oh, in fact, well I'm sure you can help me understand what he said,'cause oh Lord knows I I don't understand it now. Help you understand the thing. Yes. He said he wasn't comfortable around you, Tom. Do you know why he said that? Um no I I don't. Well, neither do I. Um you want to talk about it. Larry? What if I told you Harry isn't who he appears to be? What do you mean? Just what if I told you that? What would you say? All right, uh well I'd ask you to explain yourself, of course.

I've known Harry a long time. Longer than you by far. Are you saying he's um Are you saying he's in trouble? Not yet. But he could be. Well to hear him tell it he almost definitely will be eventually. Oh quit beating around the bush. What is he you have against Harry? I don't know. Well then, Pastor Tom, I believe I'm wasting your time. What are you gonna do? I think the better question is what are you going to do? Are you coming back to church? No. And that has something to do with Harry? Yes.

Then I expect you to deal with it. Take him out for coffee, talk to him. I don't have to explain how wrong you are about this, do I? Okay. Wrong. Well you are the pastor. He may be a deacon, but he's not been trained in the ministry like you have. You need to resolve this conflict and put it behind you, and most of all, you need to get back to church today if possible. People are starting to talk. Does that really matter, Larry?

Oh, you know it does, and it matters to you more than anybody else. You're new here, Tom, and Harry isn't. If push comes to shove, you won't have the support that he'll have. You should have brought him here. Everything would have been so much clearer if you just brought him. Oh I don't have time for this. Get back to church. Make up with Harry and get on with it. Or go looking for another career. People from our line of work don't bounce back from things like this.

What Harry? What the hell are you doing here? Don't be upset. You made me look like a fool. It's gonna cost me my job. I'm sorry. Are your feelings hurt? I don't know what I'm feeling. Just what do you want? I wanted to call a truce. Meaning what exactly? Can I come inside and explain? I'll just get in here. Thank you for seeing me in the kitchen. It would have worked, you know. You're altering everything. That was a very clever ploy.

I've been caught before, but never like that. Very clever indeed. That's why I'm thankful that you're seeing me in the kitchen, away from the altar. Tom You're angry, Mr. Of course I'm angry. Angry. It's not too late, you know. Pastor Larry is nothing if not pragmatic. He won't fire you because that means questions. Better to not rock the boat. That could be your motto. Yes, I suppose it could. You said something about a troop.

That's right. I think you and I have to work this thing through. Meet across the table, so to speak. For the good of everyone, you included. I don't believe that. Everything's in your favor right now. What would you have to gain by changing anything? I like you, Tom. I don't want you to lose your career. And I'm supposed to believe that. Why is it so difficult to believe? I've explained my reasons for being here. They're not illogical, are they?

You are a demon charged with tempting people with sloth, who wants to hang out in my church indefinitely. Why, we can live and let live, can't we? Sooner or later you're gonna bring harm to those people. Sooner or later we've all got to succumb to our nature. Yes, which is why I wanted to talk to you. I don't think there's anything you can say that's going to change my mind about you. Oh, indeed, I wouldn't expect you to change it. That's just my point. You're the only one who knows. Knows what?

about me, about what I am. Hester Larry doesn't. The congregation doesn't. To them I'm still lovely old Harry. Only you know. That means only you could stand in my way should anything You're speechless, but I won't let you trap me like this. You're not trapped. You still have a choice, and there's a lot more to be gained as well. Are you ready to listen to my offer? Just tell me what you mean. I'll check that as a...

I have a deal for you, Tom. Your side of the deal is simple. Let things continue the way they've been. Let the church go on thinking whatever they've been thinking about me. And And in return, I will tell them all a story. It will be a heartfelt story, the kind church people can never resist. It seems lovable old Harry had a bit of a drinking problem. Pastor Tom found out, and Harry, embarrassed by his great sin, swore Pastor Tom to secrecy about it.

But Pastor Tom had such a huge heart, keeping the secret tore him up inside. His health was affected, but he wouldn't break his promise to Harry. Finally, he wore Harry down. Harry agreed to seek treatment with Tom's help. That won't work. Of course it will, and you know it. You'd do that? Tell people a lie just to kick back a while longer? Lying is one of the things I do best.

And I'm supposed to believe that you're doing this just because you're lazy and not because you want to send the souls of my congregation to hell. Maybe I haven't made this clear. If I'd wanted those people in the pit, they would have been there years ago. But I like it where I am. I need to leave some day, of course, but until then I just want to be left alone. How can I trust you? You don't need to trust me.

The whole point of our little story is to return things to the status quo. Yes, I get my little vacation back, but you get your career, and you get to be there right over my shoulder, watching my every move. keeping up people. I thought you said you weren't. I'm not. I'm merely giving you the mechanism to work. We have a deal. Forgive me if we don't shake hands. He didn't trust me, of course. I knew it. He knew I knew. But things had to get back to normal, and I had to pretend.

I wish I could tell you exactly what Pastor Tom was thinking at that moment, but I didn't know. I don't know if the plans he eventually revealed were hatched at that moment, or sometime later. All I know is things stayed awfully quiet for some time. Until that one Sunday morning. Hello, Abby. Hi, Harry. It's been a while. Been on call most Sundays, huh? Yeah. Well we finally got a new GP at the hospital, so I'm no longer at the absolute bottom. Well that's good news.

Uh have you seen Tom? He's not in his office. I don't know. I I know it was his week to speak. He might be taking a walk around the block. He always does get so nervous, and he said he had something special planned today. Oh yeah? Mm. Never told me what it was either. There he is. Oh good. There he is. Come on. Hi, Harry. Hello, Pastor. We kind of thought you'd gone A-Wall there. No, no, I I was just kidding something. Okay.

And I do have a little confession, Harry. There's a reason I asked Abby to come up to you this morning. Oh. Yes, I knew you couldn't resist the arm of a pretty lady to guide you into church. What's that? You're gonna come into church today, Harry, because you're gonna sit right in the front row. So why? It's your one-month anniversary, remember? Clean and sober for one month.

And that's what I want to talk about in my sermon today. Forgiveness, second chances. And I want you to be right there in front of everybody as a reminder. Do you want to escort him in now, honey? I'm really Harry, I know you don't usually go into church. Oh, that's uh that that's okay. Sure, go on in, Harry. March right into the front row. What are you doing? Your story short. I think you're embarrassing him. Oh no I won't. Not Tom, we had a deal. Yeah, I lied about that, sorry.

You can't do this. Tom, don't make him do this if he doesn't want. Hey everyone, let's give Harry a big round of applause as he heads into church. Don't do this! Everyone wants to see you go into church, Harry. You're not gonna disappoint them, are you? Go into church, Harry. It's time to worship. What happens next is on your head. Amen. Oh my god! I told you, I told you, see, see everyone, he burns!

Just because he's in the presence of an altar to Christ, he has to reveal himself for what he is. The man you think you know is a creature from hell. He's a demon. I know he's been nice and everything, but that doesn't change the fact that Harry belongs to Satan, and he wants all of you to belong there too. Abbey dear. What Hand me that stack of bulletins.

Thank you. Well, folks, the excitement's over. Pastor Tom has a wonderful sermon planned. Fred, could you tell Gladys to start playing the first hymn? We need to get going. Thank you. George, would you like a bulletin today? How's the gout? Ah, good to hear. Hello, misses Frederickson. How's the daughter? Still in Phoenix. Well, I hope we get to see her real soon. Head on in, folks. That's it. That's it. I'll just close the door, said Are you going in, Abby?

I I don't know. Actually, why don't you head out toward the car? I think they need you at the hospital. What? Oh Tom, it's work. I understand. Are you will you be okay? I I I'll be fine. Just go. All right. What did you do to them? Oh, you're thinking I did that. I did nothing. It was your nefarious plan to push me into the sanctuary and reveal who I really was. And it worked just like you planned, didn't it? You d you did something to them. You had to have done something to them.

No, that's not what happened. The only thing there's plenty of other explanations. Take for example, the really obvious one. You had to have done something. I did nothing. They are who they are, and they didn't care about what happened. No. You saw it in their faces, the shock, the surprise, and the fear. You forced it down their throats, Pastor Tom, and they responded the only way they knew how.

They just kept to the plan. The plan that had them singing some old songs, then listening to a sermon, then bowing their heads and thinking about anything while a man in a tie prays to a distant, silent god.

Some are probably already thinking of the menu at their favorite post church restaurant. You'll be up there talking about the eternal salvation and the ridiculous notion of God hanging out on earth for thirty three years, and they'll already be trying to decide between the chicken and the pot roast. Some might wonder what happened, some might even talk about it with their bed partners tonight. But what are they going to do? Call the police?

They'll do nothing. And after telling themselves whatever they want to tell themselves for a while, it won't matter. You see, that's what you in the ministry are always blind to. The reality that churches are breeding grounds for lies. Oh the gospels are true enough, and most everything you teach would stand up in court, but them, the people in those pews.

All they do is lie to themselves, week after week. They put on a mask. They behave the way they're supposed to. This god of transformations you keep talking about is foreign to them. They no more want to be transformed than they want a sex change. Oh, there are people out there that want to be transformed, of course. They're just not in here. The people in here want things to always be the way they've been, and they're willing to turn their back on their own eyes to do it. You tricked me.

Day late and a dollar short. You you tricked me. You never were hiding from the devil. You were working for him all along. Two for two. You are after these people. Deliver them up to me with pretty pink bows on. Before you pulled your little stunt, maybe. But you forced me to overload their senses with information they were not prepared to see. Right now, their defense. All working triple time. They're coming up with a million different explanations, some of them quite funny.

I I need to get in there. Too late. Damage is done. I don't know. True and what's false. You're on my turf now. Yeah. Just walk out. Find yourself some people. And he walked to the door and opened it. And left. And that's the story. Things did continue the way they did before at this church. Our membership dropped a bit, but I expected it would. The people that stayed never spoke of what they saw.

I know it doesn't seem fair. They were good people, most of them. They just wanted to be left alone, living in the small, manageable boxes they'd made for themselves. It's still their own fault, so don't look at me. I just take it. Opportunities tossed my way. It's not my fault they decided to go through life living the lie. As for Tom, I never saw him again.

I never looked him up either. Honestly, I didn't want to know what happened to him. I preferred to believe he went on to help people, maybe inside a church, but hopefully not. to tell myself a little lie and believe. Sort of like when a child believes a beloved pet has gone to live at a farm instead of the truth of the pound. Tom is helping people, and the church is what it is. As for me, Me, well, I stay here, making sure the coffee is made and the snow is swept from the front steps.

After all, we do want to put on a welcoming face for those seeking a way to get by in this challenging section of the Ice Box Radio Theater. Our cast this evening features. Jeffrey Adams S Tom. Karen Chickle as Abby. Was Pastor Larry? And featuring. Bell. As Harry. Sound effects by the first one. Program Copyright two thousand thirteen by the Well, yeah. for its content. Become an IBRT member for special privileges and content online. is available on the web at iceboxradio.

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