The cost of my infidelity. At the suggestion of my therapist, I've decided to write out and share what has transpired in my life over the last year. To get this to make any coherent sense took lots of edits and couple of rewrites. I used to be a fairly talented writer, but I fell out of practice years ago. This forum was recommended to me by a friend as a method of confession, penance and a warning to share with others.
I did something truly horrible, for which the consequences were beyond even the worst thing I could have ever imagined. I am sharing this with the full knowledge many will despise me for what I did and the events that took place because of my betrayal. Reading my own words is rebolting, because I know, in a very real sense what I did is unforgivable. I understand far too well
how needlessly tragic the events that transpired truly were. My hope is simply that my story can be shared with anyone in any relationship, and perhaps some future betrayal won't happen. More specifically, I hope someone who is currently cheating on their significant other or even thinking about it, might read this, and it makes them pause. Many might think my example of what can go wrong being unfaithful as an extreme
rarity that seldom occurs. I've been told by people far more knowledgeable than I am that my situation is sadly far from unique. But I'm willing to take the hate I will receive by sharing this if it keeps even one person from breaking the heart of someone they love. I am a twenty eight year old female, and I was married to a wonderful man I will call William. Eight months ago, my husband confronted me with proof I
had been both emotionally and physically unfaithful. A few days after he confronted me about my infidelity, my husband committed suicide. I realized just typing those words out has caused people, people I don't even know, to hate me. I couldn't believe I had the capability to do something that evil, to harm someone I'd loved since we were children, But I did it. If you'd asked either me or William if either of us would ever be unfaithful, we both
would have laughed. But to my own shock and surprise, I allowed myself to lose focus and straight I knew it would destroy him if he ever found out. But I took the heart of the man I loved and crushed it so cruelly he couldn't endure the pain of this life anymore. Those of you thinking right now that I don't deserve to be breathing, I agree with you. I agree with you so much. I've attempted on two occasions to make that a reality. I'm assured there is
a reason I'm still here for the moment. I've convinced myself that the longer I live, the more I suffer, and I don't deserve the mercy of a suicide if we're being honest. William and I grew up together. I can remember my very early youth, and at no time in my memory did I not know William. We were in the same Sunday school classes, public school classes, and our families had been friends long before he and I ever came along. He could always make me laugh. Kids
can be mean, but William never was. I realized I thought he was cute in sixth grade. It wasn't an official crush until high school. William and I had been our one and only loves from early high school all the way through college together. We were best friends and cherished each other so much. After graduation, we took a year to get good stable jobs near our families and decided to get married. We took vacations together. We made love at any moment we got the chance. We were
ravenous for each other. The only time TAX was at the table was during that time of the month. But we'd make love for hours, beautiful moments of passion, and I threw it all away for something tawdry, cheap, and worthless. We were planning to have children. We knew their names. We were both virgins. He was my first everything and I was his first everything. Part of me wishes I could say I had a drunken one night stand. Tried
to keep that from my husband, but he found out. No. I got emotionally and physically involved with a man who was inferior to my husband in every way, shape and formed. I didn't even consider the possibility that a friendship with another man could lead to an attachment for me. My husband and I had a strong marriage. As foolish as that sounds to say now, we really did. My husband was the epitome of strength. I was the one who was weak. Though before this I considered myself a strong woman.
It's just that no one ever told me that while our relationship was so very strong, no relationship is bulletproof. There is not a day that goes by that I don't wish someone had walked up and shot me the minute before anything I did became secretive. It is an indisputable fact. The world would be far a far better place with my husband here and alive instead of me.
There is no rationalizing away truth like that. I had so many chances to stop it before anything happened, and I had absolutely no reason to allow anything to happen. After a brief and heated conversation, he walked out and I never spoke to him again. I tried to contact him in any and every way I could think of. My God, I tried to reach out so many times, just to let him know that I am truly sorry,
just to know I hate what I did. My texts to him never showed anything but an unread status to me, so I doubt he read any emails or heard any voicemails either. But everyone said I needed to give him space and time to think. Two nights after William confronted me at three seventeen am, there was a loud knock at the front door. I turned on the lights. I thought at first it might be someone in a drunken
stupor wanting to curse me out, or worse. Then there was another loud knock, and I threw on a hoodie before heading to the door. When I opened the door to see two policeman, I knew they could have been there for many things, but I knew in an instant why they were there. Their words telling me that my husband's body had been found due to an apparent suicide destroyed me. I dropped to my knees and wailed a shriek of agony. I tore at my skin and hair
as the police tried to calm me down. By the time the EMTs got there, I was sitting on the steps, rocking back and forth, repeating that I was so so sorry. Yeah, there was no way I was making it to the funeral, even if William's family had allowed any of my family to attend. I was kept sedated for days. The first thing I wanted to do when I got out was visit William's grave, but nobody knew where his parents had
him buried. They had every right, but that cut deeply, and I tried to cut deeply that night when I tried to take my life for the first time. I've now been hospitalized now twice for attempted suicide. Not asking for pity. In fact, I don't want it. Nothing can take this heartache away, and nothing can even numb it. Part of me wishes I had somehow forced him to see me, just for a mere moment, to tell him how sorry I am, and that I knew our marriage
was over. But I didn't get that. No, I didn't deserve it, and I have to face the fact that what I did was in fact so while that making my husband see me might have forced him to take his life even sooner. Many people have said to me my actions were what led him to take his life. I don't think there is any doubt. Until that horrible day, he'd been and so unbelievably happy we both had been. He left no suicide note to verify I was his cause of death, but we had been so happy, we loved,
spending nearly every moment together. To go from that kind of bliss to that kind of grief in such a short span of time ended him. I ended him. My words, actions and thoughts betrayed us both. Regret doesn't kill you. If it did, I would have died before my husband ever confronted me. When COVID hit, William and I quarantined together. I was fortunate enough to teach for an exclusive private school. The benefactors assured us our salary was paid as long
as the need for isolation persisted. William worked from home and made a lot of progress on a project he was placed in charge of. The entire world was worried and afraid, but we had each other, and we so enjoyed making the most of it, watching movies in bed, feeding each other food, playing like two little kids. I am utterly, truly, completely sorry to those that lost a loved one due to that horrible disease. What the world went through was a literal plague upon humanity that caused
so much needless death. But my husband and I got closer in those weeks than we ever had before, and our bond had been strong. We joked about how so many people were hating having to spend time with family or god forbid their wife or husband. We simply couldn't get enough of each other. After the first month, we had to agree to limit text to once a day for about a week. Our only argument the entire quarantine was about having to do laundry just to put clean
sheets on the bed yet again. And I cheated on that man, which drove him to exit this life due to my evil actions. A man I had such a close bond with I was an idiot in so many ways, But for me to think because of that bond, no temptation was enough to get me to stray with idiocy. I hate myself in so many ways for so many reasons, but knowing I had at all is the most difficult pill to swallow. My affair was atypical of most in many ways. Some aspects of the relationship and betrayal were
slightly less vile. Some were colder and even more evil. The man I had an affair with I will call Paul. I first encountered him in group zoom meetings during the pandemic. I found him brash and smug, with no valid reason to act that way. He was the school's lacrosse coach, and I remember in those Zoom meetings being glad that as an English teacher, I would have too interact with him. Very little. The first time we met face to face,
we shook hands and had some small talk. There was zero attraction, at least for me toward him, but I didn't sense any lustful attention emulating from him toward me. During that introduction, I learned he was engaged, and I told him I was happily married to a man I adored. No actual attention, nothing even hinting that would ever be a possibility. The school began allowing half the staff in all areas and half the students to attend school for
a week while the other half used zoom. The next week, the other half would attend on side and vice versa. That was supposed to assist with social distancing and the student's feelings of isolation. While eating lunch one day before my next class began, I got an email from Paul. He had written out some toasts and jokes for his upcoming wedding and wanted me to edit what he'd written.
I was used to being sent writing to edit, so that was nothing I felt important enough to tell William, Coupled with the fact it all pertained to Paul's wedding, and I saw no reason to give my husband a boring detail about that day. The email contained a toast to his parents as well as to the parents of the bride. He took what he'd said and added a few phrases to pull at the heart strings of all
who attended. The jokes directed at his brother the best man, were absolutely hilarious, but a little vulgar for my liking at a wedding. I said as much when I sent back his edited speeches. He laughed and said, I just don't know his family, and that ball busting was a family tradition. That email exchange began several months of corresponding back and forth, but as difficult as it may believe, not until the very end did anything become inappropriate. Not
once did anything become flirtatious or as true. Well, we did talk about tax but from a purely scientific and psychological point of view, our tax talks at that point would have made the biggest an infomania in history drier than the Sahara. There was nothing emotional or physically stimulating to those conversations, and I enjoyed our corresponding due to the fact I was certain there was no temptation on
either end. We discussed race, politics, religion, science, sports, all the things people are hesitant to discuss due to differing opinions. Some of the discussions even got heated. I was called to Proude more than once due to my opinions about tex. Yes, I proved him wrong, but I wish to god he'd been right for the longest time. All of this took place during work hours. My husband and I had a landline for emergencies, but as soon as we entered the
door at home, our smartphones were turned off. Paul didn't even have my number to text until I emailed him with a zinger at the end late in the day, he demanded my number to refute what I'd said. Dozens of other coworkers had my email, and I thought nothing of that. I seriously don't think Paul had any interest in pursuing me either, as at the time he was
smitten with his fiance. But about a month before their big day, Paul found out his girlfriend had been carrying on an affair with her high school boyfriend for over a year. He was in shock and deeply hurt by the whole situation. I ownwittingly became his person event too. I don't know where in our string of conversations that things crossed a line, but I began to feel truly sorry for Paul. I truly despised his fiance for what
she'd done, and I saw nothing wrong with that. But after a particularly rough night for him, he came to school looking frazzled and I could tell he'd been crying. I gave him a hug and talked to him a bit. He asked if I could day after school to talk, since I had a couple hours after work each day before William got home. I agreed. In hindsight, I realized now what drew me into my conversations with Paul was a different opinion. William and I had discussed most any
topic two people could discuss. I knew before his reply what William would say when I asked him a question. The vast majority of the time, I guess I wanted a surprise when I talked, or verbal conflict. It was stupid, pathetic, and weak, but that is what led to the affair. Things with William were ideal and we spent every available
moment together. I had mentioned a coworker named Paul in passing to William, but as there was truly nothing going on, I didn't expound upon anything, and he saw no reason to pry. When Paul started seeing a new woman, I felt no jealousy and honestly only happiness for him. But William had to go out of town to a construction site in Tulsa for three weeks. While he was away, we facetimed every day and I missed him morning, noon, and night. But with sudden spare time, I found myself
also texting with Paul just to pass the time. Instead of an occasional hour or two after school, Paul and I often had time to grab a bite to eat and a drink or two before heading to our separate homes. Oddly enough, the thing that led us to become physical was me being a klutz and a school nurse not working that week. I sprained my ankle one day walking up some steps to go get lunch. Since the nurse was not on site, I went to Paul, assuming he's
a coach, had numbing spray or an ace bandage. He was working on my ankle when I happened to notice he had an apparent direction. I was a bit taken aback he was getting aroused in some way, until I realized from his position he could see slightly up my skirt. I have to admit, for a moment, I found the fact I was turning him on was stimulating in some way. I adjusted myself to see if a slightly better view would get him more worked out. He called me out on it. I laughed and told him he could work
out his frustrations with his new girlfriend. Suddenly, he kissed me, and I pushed him away. He kissed me again, and I didn't. We made out for a few minutes before I realized what I was doing. I hurriedly got out of his classroom and made it down the halls to my classroom. I sat in disbelief of what had just occurred. I didn't plan for it to happen, and I was certain Paul didn't either. I didn't know if I should call William and tell him that moment will wait until
he got home that night. But when I talked to Paul after classes, he apologized, urged me not to bring any conflict into my marriage and remain just friends. I didn't want to give William more distress about as he was out of town and focused on his job assignment. After talking with William that night about how things were going in Tulsa. I decided to wait and tell him when he got home. His company was having some issues with the client having the manpower to keep the project
running smoothly. There were things William could not get done due to the delays, which many had to spend two extra weeks in Tulsa. Paul was there for me to discuss what had happened between us. I couldn't tell any of my women friends. I couldn't rely on any family members, as they all rightfully loved William to pieces. I guess random strangers on a site like this would have been the best option had I known about it, But the person I was venting to was the very last person
I should have been discussing it with. One Friday, after work, Paul and I went to a new restaurant near the school for dinner. We sat at the bar and had a few drinks as I explained how unsettled I felt knowing I had to tell my husband what had happened. He asked me how I thought William would take the news, and I told Paul he might want to call in sick.
The day after I told William, just in case, He asked if I seriously thought William would beat his ass and I told him no, but I knew it would mean the end of Paul and I conversing and messaging, and rightfully so. Paul confessed he didn't think he would have made it through his breakup if it hadn't been for me. I assured him I was glad to be of assistance and didn't regret helping him. When the realization our friendship would end sunk in. I think we were
both a little depressed. I drank too much, he drank too much, and I ended up back at Paul's apartment doing a lot more than kissing. As soon as it was over, my conscience kicked in. Yes it should have kicked in long before, but I knew, beyond all shadow of any doubt my marriage was over and done with. William and I both had said society has allowed far too many second chances for people that didn't deserve them. Yes,
humans do make mistakes. While we both believed anyone who cheated did deserve a second chance, it could never be with the one they betrayed. Life might give them the opportunity to love someone else again, but any opportunities with the cheated spouse was totally undeserved and detrimental to both parties. Things got very complicated when William arrived home from Tulsa. I happened to be having my period, so I knew
there would be no intimacy between us. Thankfully, not in a million years would I have subjected my husband to any diseases. Regardless of how much I wanted to make love to William one last time, I couldn't allow that to happen. I wrote out a long letter to William confessing what I'd done and planned to give it to him after a face to face confession. To this day, I don't know what happened for William to discover what was going on. For all I know, he had been
monitoring my online conversation with Paul from day one. I never got to ask him how he discovered my betrayal, and the realization he'd learned what I'd done before I had the chance to tell him caused me to fall to my knees and swear I planned to tell him. William didn't believe that, and I wouldn't have either. He had a stack of the text between Paul and I printed out, though I didn't deny any of what he
accused me of. That honesty came far too late. He packed a few things in a suitcase and left me on a Monday evening. Wednesday night, he drove to a shopping center, parked his car, and took his own life. To know I had destroyed our life relationship was torture to my soul like I'd never known to know. I'd even robbed him of a chance to find someone else
to be happy with ruin me. The realization I didn't just end my relationship with William, but every relationship he'd had or would have caused more guilt than I could ever express. I could go into all the things that have happened since William passed away, but a lot of it would be details far too many wouldn't truly care about. Suffice it to say his family hates me and my family. My family was disgusted by my actions and continues to
be to this day. Their love for me didn't die, but their disappointment and shame toward me will never end, and that's how it should be. No, the results were not anything I intended, But when choices are made that cause pain and suffering, we are still guilty for causing that grief. I see a therapist twice a week to try and work through things. I was introduced to someone through my therapist that is genuinely helping me sort through
my feelings. Years ago, she intentionally set a small fire to set off alarms to scare her ex boyfriend and the girl he just started. Seeing the fire spread quickly in what had been intended as a joke, caused multiple people to lose their lives. She and I have discussed so many things about her story. In mind, things can never be the way they once where, nor should they be. But if I am to keep living, I need a plan to make what is left of my life as
meaningful as possible. So that is basically my story. Anyone who wants to post messages of hate for me and tell me what a wretched person I am, go right ahead. I won't be replying to it, but if it helps you get rid of any rage you have, make me your verbal punching bag. Those with specific questions, I will answer as best I can, no matter how much some
things may hurt to discuss or admit. For those that read this who have been cheated on, yes many If you may have been intentionally betrayed, but those who had a significant other who was just as perplexed why they cheated as you were. Listen to my story. It doesn't make one damn thing I did right, just the opposite. But if it helps you to understand that you did little to nothing to cause the infidelity, so be it.
Those unrepentant cheaters, I hope you do read my cautionary tale and know that you have the ability to destroy. You won't just be destroying someone else, You will be destroying your relationship with many people and a huge part of yourself. I realize I have no room to preach to or judge anyone except myself. I just don't want anyone to find their william ant lose them. I don't want anyone to sink to the depths I did, or
cause the pain and sorrow I did. And most of all, I want all the people who have great relationships to cherish it and never take it for granted. As humans, we are not immune to being able to be swayed under the wrong conditions and series of events. One we love someone, we carry part of their soul around with us. Just one betrayal makes it impossible for that person to
hold that peace of you again. I had my husband's heart in my hands, and I now deserve the fact I will never again hold his heart, nor will he ever again hold me. This life has far too much pain without harming the very ones we love, and love is far to precious to risk on anything. Tld are I cheated which caused my husband to commit suicide mere days after confronting me. This is intended as a final response update. First, someone shared a link to a post
asking if William posted it. William didn't have read it that I know of, and considering he's been dead a year, I doubt it was in that was a sad story as well. I truly hope they op did not take his own life. For those trying to psycho analys me to make some sense out of the things I've done, I appreciate the effort, even if it was for your own self interests. None of the many professionals I have seen so far have a good theory as to why
I let things happen. I feel like there should be some valid reason why I did what I did to I just can't come up with one, and it wouldn't be a valid reason to do what I did if I found one. For those that swear this is fate, I can't fathom a reason anyone would post this for a reason other than to warn and perhaps help. It certainly wasn't a karmograph. I've barely responded, so it wasn't for attention, and it certainly wasn't to lift my spirits
because I've rightfully been slammed from my betrayal. Admitting to something horrible is not easy. Imagining it never happened doesn't help me, But you all do you. I do not keep in contact with Paul and have not heard from him since before William committed suicide. The only things I know about him are secondhand from people I worked with. I have no interest in being with Paul or having
him in my life in any way. So those thinking I plan my vile actions to write off into the sunset with a first year lacrosse coach, no, bless you all. I won't be commenting anymore, but I'll leave the post up as resource in case someone needs it in the future. Bless you all. May you have stellar lives full of happiness, but most of all peace. Okay The kiss happened. Maybe you could call that a moment if weakness, But even then, you were asking for it and you're enjoyed it. You
wanted it. But then, instead of staytf away from the guy who is threatening your marriage, you go out with him. Can you honestly say you didn't know what was going to happen, that you didn't want it to happen. You came back and spend time alone with Appen at a bar, no less you drink and confide in each other. Can you tell me honestly not only that you didn't know what would happen, but that you didn't also want it to happen. Affairs can begin as innocent friends, the perpetual
sliding past boundaries until the infidelity occurs. Emotional infidelity occurs often before the physical aspect, string boundaries that shouldn't be crossed that are enforced swiftly and effectively. I hope that you've learned how easy it is to go down a path to infidelity, and that you can find happiness in the future while being faithful to someone.