E113 - Asking Empowering Questions featuring Carol Boston

But this is often a skill that has to be learned by asking many , many , many terrible questions long before we get to the point where we learn how to ask the right ones .

And in this episode we're going to hear from Carol Boston , a business development and leadership coach , who will offer her insight into empowering questions .

Carol will share her definition of empowering questions , along with providing some example questions , and , in the end of it , what we're really hoping is we're going to take away some of those many's for the leaders out there listening to this podcast , so that they can ask their empowering questions a lot sooner in their leadership journey .

Before we get into that , though , I would like to do the visual representation and paint the picture for everyone . For myself , I still have my black golf shirt on , with the Red Trench Leadership logo over my heart . My glasses are still rimmed with black .

I still have far too much gray hair on the top of my head and my background is a screenshot of the stone wall with the trench leadership logo in white and highlighted in this beautiful purple , which is ironic because the actual trench leadership logo is red . But that's a whole other story for carol . She is wearing what looks to be like a blue shirt .

She has shorter hair and I think is it kind of a grayish color . It looks like .

Do you mind taking a moment and just telling us a little bit about yourself , your story and , ultimately , how we got to this point ?

Now I come from the deep South and there are rules , both written and unwritten , as to how little girls are supposed to behave , and my mother was not happy with me , but at least my dad was my cheerleader . I was always involved in sports very competitive household and I started playing tennis at the age of 15 .

I started very late and I wish I had time to tell you that whole story , because it was one of the one of three very pivotal times in my life where I trusted in someone else's vision for me until I could believe it for myself . Even my dad didn't believe that I was going to get a tennis scholarship .

I was offered several scholarships , but the one that I chose took me to LSU . I am an LSU fighting tiger through and through and

I took out a student loan because my dad was not going to help me go to school . And off I went Fast forward . I graduated , I played on the pro tour for a while , I got married , was going through a divorce and I knew I didn't want to be a tennis teaching professional my entire life . I really didn't know what I wanted to do .

My car caught on fire and the insurance wouldn't pay for it . There's some loophole , so what do you think I ? did ? I called my dad . My dad had been in the insurance business 35 years Now he's from the deep south .

He says now , "arol , you know I ain't in that kind of insurance , but if you come home I got somebody help you get a car , even if you don't have a job . I thought , oh my gosh , I'm going to have my first new car . I was 20 , I don't know , 26 , 27 .

And I went home and got a new car and I went over to Dallas , texas , and I lived with my second cousin . She was head of personnel for Neiman Marcus . Now this is in . 1987 was when the government the US government had just broken up the monopoly of AT&T and all the baby bells . So competition was fierce in a long distance market .

And she taught me how to wear the pearls and the Navy suit and the pantyhose . I don't do that anymore , but that's what I did back then . And I got hired by a company called Metro Media Communications and the ladies said can you come back in tomorrow and meet my boss , the vice president ? So I said sure .

So I went back in and she interviews me and Simon , she kind of sat back in her chair and she looked me up and down in Miami in a week and I said no , you won't . Now , mind you , I needed a job , right ? I said I'm interviewing in Dallas .

You have an office in Dallas , my friends from the tennis tour are in Dallas and my family's three and a half hours away . I'm working in Dallas Pretty ballsy huh . And she calmly looked at me again and she said I need somebody really strong in Miami in a week . I said how do you know I'm strong ? I'd never done this before .

And here's what she said , and this was the second time I trusted in someone else's vision . She said trust me and be there in a week . So I packed up my car and off .

I came to Florida , didn't know anything about my job , didn't know anything about Florida , I didn't know a soul , and that led me to a very successful 26-year career as a sales expert for Fortune 100 companies .

So if you've got someone out there in your corner , you're listening to this and they have a vision for you and you're a little nervous , hang on to their vision until you can believe it for yourself . It's important . It's important . So back in 2014 , 2013 , I'd been through a bad car wreck .

2014 , I'm still working at Paychex in corporate America and I get a call and they told me they were cutting my territory by 80 percent . I'm like 80 percent . I've been building this territory for six and a half years now . I really didn't want to leave .

I loved my boss , but my partner at the time kept whispering in my ear that they were taking advantage of me and blah , blah , blah , blah , blah . So I took an interview with a really small up and coming company and after two interviews they gave me the job . They doubled my base salary Plus . They gave me a director title .

I could just see the potential Right , the potential right . So there I was , six weeks into the job , on vacation , negotiated that up front in my contract and I did what I thought a good employee was supposed to do .

Now I don't advocate this for my clients anymore , but what I was doing was staying in touch with my boss , the CEO , while I was on vacation , and I got an email asking my opinion on something . So I replied right back and he usually replies right back , but he didn't .

So we went out and we enjoyed the day , came in in the evening , ding , there goes my phone . Carol Boston , you've got mail . And here's what it said Simon . It said Carol , comma , that's what you really think . And it had five question marks behind it . Then it said do not come into this office on Monday when your vacation is over . You are done here .

And I looked at my partner and I said did I just get fired ? I don't get fired , but I did . And I came back and I'll tell you . One of the things that I help especially my female clients with is I help them learn to advocate for themselves , because I didn't do it back then .

Florida is considered an at-will state so I figured I could get fired for any reason . I didn't , whatever . And I came back and I went on an interview the very next day and I interviewed all over this country . Some companies flew me cross country three and four times , took crickets . I looked for a job so long I used my entire 401k savings .

Now I tell people that my next book is going to be called . You Can't Read the Label when You're Inside a Jar and we're all in a jar . And there I was , in my jar .

All I could see is I was a buttoned up corporate sales professional and I thought how ironic that I could sell $70 million in revenue for somebody else and I couldn't close a deal to get a job . Now , faith is my foundation .

That's where I always go , and in my prayer time I'll be honest I was basically yelling at God and I'm like , look , you created me . You know , I'm not cut out to be an entrepreneur . I do not want to own my own business . You've got to help me find a good job . Guess what happened ?

Two weeks to the day from that prayer , out of the blue , I get an email from a woman that I met one time out of town at a conference . She and I probably didn't even talk 30 minutes at that conference . She gifted me a $3,500 ticket to go to Los Angeles to go to what's called Gorilla Business School , which is a foundational school for entrepreneurs .

So you see , my God has a sense of humor . So I figured what I'm doing isn't working and I don't know what I don't know , and off I went and that's where I really got the title of my first book and that's where I was first introduced to Empowering Questions . This is in 2015 , in May , and I was amazed at them . I've always loved communication .

I determined that I was going to master them and I've been working to master them for the last eight years . I was interviewed on the show a few weeks ago and they go well . How do you do that so quickly ? I'm like I've been working on it for eight years , right , because it's a different way of thinking .

It's going to change the way that you think , and that was in 2015 . Fast forward to 2017 . And I was still holding on to three . I had two coaching certifications

, I had coached people and I was still holding on to three services . I was trying to do what sell into freaking corporate America , like I couldn't get out of my own way . And then I heard Lisa Nichols say this I couldn't get out of my own way . And then I heard Lisa Nichols say this I don't know if you know who Lisa Nichols is . She is amazing .

She's the only black female CEO on wall street , the only one and the only one with the coaching and speaking company . And I heard her say this . She said I hear you say that you're committed . And she said look , people decommit all the time , don't they ? They'll say I'm committed to this marriage for life until the day they're not .

She said but when you're convicted , you will not rest until you get it done and you understand that your comfort and your convenience and your conviction don't live on the same block . They're not even in the same zip code and I laid down all my services and I went all in January of 2018 coaching , and here I am , five years later , talking to you .

I , when I was getting ready for this episode , I was looking up the different definitions of what an empowering question is and what it means to have , even create one . Like we need to understand what an empowering question is before we can create them .

So what are the one I came across was is that an empowering question is a thought-provoking , open-ended , challenging question that allows a person to look for answers .

Uh , it also goes on to talk about and new opportunities , but that's not what I'm really concerned for in this particular episode , because in the context of emerging leaders , it's about looking for answers in an open-ended perspective . Do you have any thoughts on that ? And I'm curious as well what your definition of an empowering question might be .

I teach on this . They help you take the judgment out of the conversation and they take the emotion out of the conversation . I mean , how many of you know that if you could take the emotion out of your conversation , you'd have fewer arguments ?

Right In Stephen Covey's book the Seven Habits of Highly Successful People when he says seek first to understand and then be understood . These questions are just a little bit different , because that then be understood part is not about you trying to get somebody else to understand you . It's about you understanding .

You Now think about what I told you in my book right , can't read the label when you're inside a jar . The answers that you're trying to call in and bring into your awareness are right outside your jar . So I'm going to disagree with that last definition where it said so you can figure it out . Your job is not to figure it out .

If it was inside your jar , you would already have the answer . So , empowering questions here's some of the caveats . They are specific and I'm going to give you examples . When you get through listening to this episode , you'll be able to walk away if you choose to , and craft empowering questions . I'm not saying it's going to be easy in your everyday conversation .

It's going to take work . They're simple , but they're not easy Because it changes your way of thinking .

When you put an empowering question out to God in the universe , what you're really saying is I'm willing to hear , see , say or do something I've never thought of before . Come on , you've been in conversations , haven't you , simon ? Or maybe it's happened to you , and all of a sudden you went oh my God , I never thought about that before .

Right , something new came into your awareness . You were ready for it . This gives you an opportunity to call them in even faster and quicker . You can use them . Here's another key thing they do is they help you get other people on the same page as you , faster and easier , with less resistance . Who wouldn't like that right Now ?

One of the things I teach on when I teach to sales teams , I teach to HR teams in corporate America , I use them with myself , my clients is they help you quickly learn the dominant modality of your prospect . What in the world does that mean , carol , most of us are either visual , we're auditory or we're kinesthetic .

Right , kinesthetic are your touchy , feely people . Now , there's 10% of our population . That's what's called audio digital . That means these people are our geeks , they're the nerds , they are all about the process . They want the steps . They're going to write them down .

So if you're trying to sell your services or your product to that 10% of the population and you keep talking about how does that look , what does that sound like , you've lost them because they don't care . They want to know the steps that I'm going to take to get from A to B .

When you can speak into that dominant modality faster and easier and quicker in your conversation , you will much more quickly get a lot of little yeses . You're going to get their head nodding little yeses until you get to the close , if you will , of your sale .

If you asked me enough questions you were trying to sell me something , you would understand that I'm like almost off the charts auditory . So if you had this great product and you're trying to sell it to me and you got to the end , you said well , carol , how does that look to you ?

You might not get much of an answer , but if you said , how does that sound ? I'm like that sounds awesome . It's critical that you understand , and I've had people that I've trained and they said well , what if I can't figure it out ? In the conversation I said you ask them they go what I said . I've done that before .

I said you ask them they go what I said , I've done that before . Some people aren't very forthcoming , they're not easy to read . I just tell them hey , you just changed the tone of your voice . Go ahead , I'm curious , what is your favorite way to learn something ?

And they'll tell you , and then you can begin to craft your empowering questions directly from that . I'm going to teach you a little bit about how to craft them .

When I get really angry , I always say something I wish I hadn't said , and that's because we tend to label anger as negative . Here's a writer downer for your audience . Nothing in this whole world has any meaning , nothing except that which you choose to give it . What about the lady who goes to Las Vegas to have a fun weekend ?

She wakes up the next morning with a ring on her finger and some dude in her bed . She's like , oh my God , she was having a great time , but what ? Her emotions were out of control . Her intelligence went down .

Before I tell you exactly how to craft them , I'm going to give you a little story around the word why I've had parents ask me to put together a course to teach parents . One of my past clients said Carol , I keep telling my husband , stop asking the kids why , right , you're never going to get the answer that you truly want by asking why .

These parents also say to me but Carol , my kids ask me why all the time . Of course they do . They don't know how to articulate the question to get the answer they really want . They're not getting the answer that they want . So I was in seventh grade and I came home with my report card and I had five A's and a B .

I was so excited I couldn't wait for my dad to get home . I gave my dad my report card . I told you he's from the deep south , right . He looks down his nose at me . He says now , girl , why'd you get a B ? What do you think I did ? I got defensive . But dad , I got five A's . See , now I'm trying to defend my position . It's an automatic response .

He said that's not what I asked you . Why'd you get a B ? Then I used my older brother as my defense . I said but David got two C's and a D . Now my dad looked at me and he said we expect a lot more out of you , young lady . Now , how I heard that as a child is that I had to be perfect to earn love .

It impacted every area of my life for decades until I learned how to reframe it . These questions are why I'm called the queen of reframe . You can bring me any challenge . I can quickly reframe it for you and give you some empowering questions around it and some effective action steps you can take to get the results that you really want .

Now I want you to hear me when I tell you it impacted every area . I overgave in relationships , didn't have boundaries . I was trying to earn love , overgave at work , became a workaholic , almost destroyed my health trying to earn love . It impacted every area of my life . But what if my dad had asked me an empowering question ?

I probably wouldn't be talking to you today , but if he had said this and parents , I want you to listen up If he had said

Carol , what one thing remember folks , they're specific what one thing could you do differently next semester ? They're time bound to improve upon that grade . Now my mind is spinning .

It's going to open the door to possibility and when I come up with an answer , I am far more likely to actually go do it , because you have empowered me to come up with a response . I don't feel punished . I don't feel you know it's not punitive anymore . How many of you parents ? Your kid comes in and breaks curfew ? What do you do ?

Why are you late and you end up in an argument ? Right , that's number one . It never starts with one . That's going to be a challenge for everybody out there to really . I tell you , put it up on your sticky note , put it everywhere to catch yourself . It's going to take quite a bit of time to change that .

They start with who , what , how and sometimes where . They are used both to ask questions of the other person or an outside situation , and they're to ask questions of yourself . Here's one that , as an entrepreneur or business owner , you could ask yourself this on a regular basis . If we all did this consistently , simon , this world would be a different place .

Everybody would change . You could ask yourself this question how would the person I want to become do the thing I'm about to do right now ? Can you imagine if we started checking our behavior with that question on a regular basis ? We would make different decisions . Who am I being today behind closed doors when nobody else is watching ?

You can use them when you're prepared to go . Let's say you're going to own your business , you're going into a sales call and you can prepare these , and I have tons of stories . If you want another story , I'm happy , but I know we're time bound . You use them many days in advance to prepare Because , remember , the answer is outside your jar .

It could take time to bring it into your awareness . So when you get ready to say these out loud , you get quiet . You set the intent because they can be used in many different areas of your life , many different areas of your life . So if you just throw it out there , are you talking about your relationship ? Are you talking about your health ?

Are you talking about your job ? Are you talking about your business ? You must set the intention and then you say the question out loud and you go right back to what you're doing , and I have a powerful story around that . You go right back to what you're doing .

He says you've got to take this kid through your leadership program or we're going to kick him off the board of his own company . So I said , well , I'm happy to take him through my initial process , but he gets to decide whether he's going to . You know , it's a six month program and there's an investment .

So young kid comes in and I take him through the process and I tell him what the investment is and he goes oh , I don't think I can afford that . And I said is that the question ? And he said , well , yeah , I said , perhaps the question is can you afford not to ? They're going to kick you off the board of your own company . He didn't sign up .

So I gave him and I'm going to give you and your audience one of the most powerful of all empowering questions . It will open the door to limitless possibilities . Remember set the intention first . What else is possible today ? I gave that to him .

Now there was a cafe up at the front of this office building and my office was at the other end of the hallway . So when I had new prospects or clients come in , I would go to the front and bring them back . And I would see this young man . His name was Diego .

I would see him occasionally , I'd give him a big hug and I'd go Diego , what else is possible ? I don't have a credit card . I want you to think about where his mind . I didn't ask him if he had a credit card . What else is possible today ? I'd see him again . So what else is possible today ? I can't ask my parents for money . Time goes by .

This man from the board comes in . A few months have gone by and he goes . Carol , will you talk to him one more time ? And I said no , my time is valuable , I've given him enough of my time . But I'm a sucker to help a friend . So I said okay . So I'll never forget is on a Monday night . I get this young kid on the phone , we have a conversation .

I hung up . Drive home . Three nights later I'm sitting at home in my easy chair after work and my phone and my email start blowing up texting emails from this kid . You tell whoever's trying to be CEO of my company they can't have it . He was just ticked off . I want to see you next week . I want an appointment .

I thought , oh my gosh , what question did I ask that opened this door ? So he comes in my office the next week ? And I said before we start , I get to know how you're going to pay me . And Simon , he reaches down , he pats his pocket , he says cash , can I give you cash twice a month ? And I said , yeah , I love cash . That works great .

Tell me what happened in that conversation . What question did I ask you that opened this door for this massive change ? Here's what he said to me . He said you know , carol , every time I saw you , you'd give me a hug go what ? What else is possible ? And every time you walked away , I'd go . That woman is so woo , woo , you should drive me crazy .

He said , but that night on the phone , you told me a story and it tied it in . So I finally decided I would try it . So I did what you told me to . Before I went to bed , I set my intention . I said what else is possible today , went to bed , got the next morning , said it before work , said it on my way to basketball practice .

He said and after three and a half days and folks , you've got to listen to his answer he said after three and a half days , all of a sudden , think of all of a sudden , there's your Oprah aha moment .

All of a sudden , it came to me that all I had to do was find two more Think about this , not just two two more people who wanted to learn how to speak and read and write Spanish . Folks , he was already teaching people outside of his regular job . They were paying him all these . What did it cost him ?

All these months went by because he stuck in his jar and he said so I did . Went and found two more people , took him three days , went and found two more people . Took him three days , went and found two more people . The power of these questions is incredible . He was so excited . He stood up and I gave him a high five and I was grinning too .

But I'm going to tell you what I was thinking . Right , I was thinking TSW , tsw , this shit works , it does . I had a client send me a t-shirt last year for Christmas . It says hashtag TSW on it . She goes we're going to get people asking what that means . Another I'd like to give you , just from a different perspective , another quick client story .

So drop us a note and let's talk . This podcast is made possible by listeners like

you , and if you feel we've earned it , please tell your friends and leave a review to help us grow our following . And now back to the show .

So I give her a big hug and I sit her down . I said get out your pen and paper . We're not missing this coaching opportunity . Now , we don't typically jump in like that , but this was just a prime coaching opportunity . So the first thing I had to write down and if you're listening to this show , write it down . How I do anything is how I do everything .

She said what I said . Write it down . How I do anything is how I do everything I said . And next I want you to write down where else in your life are you not showing up for you ? Else in your life are you not showing up for you ? Now she's really confused and she says what I said . Write it down .

Where else in your life are you not showing up for you ? You pay me in advance for my time . I am not giving you any money back and I'm not giving you extra time because I have a schedule that I keep . So she kind of sheepishly looks at me and says is that my homework for the week ? I said , honey , that's your homework ad nauseum .

I want it on your refrigerator , on your dashboard , on your shower , everywhere . I want you to put this out , set the intention , six to eight times a day . Will you do it ? She said yes . And Simon , a few weeks goes by . We're sitting in the office working . All of a sudden her eyes fly wide open . I said what's up ?

She goes oh , that's another place where I'm not showing up for me . And as she began to have these awarenesses , we began to replace the habits that no longer served her with good leadership habits and skill sets Changed her life . We doubled her income in six months in her business . Not just because of that , but that whole piece is so powerful .

How many of you would have said to her why are you always late ? There would have been no growth , there would have been no learning , there would have been no breakthroughs . There are so many coaches that ask why . It boggles my mind . I spoke in front of 1100 coaches summer before last . None of them truly understood this . None of them I spoke .

I don't know if you're familiar . It's an American company . It's called Rider Trucking and Logistics . They're about a $9 billion company . I did a keynote there back in January and I taught on leadership be do , have empowering questions .

They worked a lot on communication and how you tie in the art of celebration from an NLP perspective to get results even faster . And after all was said and done , this young man comes up to me and he says but Simon Sinek , his book , right , the book on why , simon Sinek ? And I said they're not the same thing .

I said , simon Sinek , when he says , what's your why ? That's what's driving you , that's your underlying , foundational reason for what you're doing , everything else that I'm giving you context for you're challenging somebody to get an answer . They're very , very different . He goes oh my gosh , that makes so much sense .

So you could ask yourself what is my why to grow my business ? What is my why to get married ? What is my driver ? But when you're in conversation and communication , that's a powerful , powerful story . Folks , 99% of the population , would have said why are you late ? Powerful ?

I know in the military with my 26 years in the regular force , a lot of the times questions were just meant to be directive in their nature and quite often they had a negative tone to them , like you said . Well , why are you like that and talk about that ? And my experiences when I started in the civilian organizations ?

I had to really adjust how I was asking questions , because when I first started talking to people outside of my little military bubble , I would ask questions . I don't understand what you mean by that and that's how I would say the question . I didn't mean it in a negative way .

It was just how I had been the the environment I had been exposed to for my entire career .

And now , all of a sudden I'm in a world where I don't want to say soften the question , but certainly be more aware of the tone of the question and where it's coming from , because it's a different environment and I think there's something in that we need to be very aware of the environment we're in and when we prepare to ask these questions .

Some of the the first empowering questions that I came across from a , from a very formal perspective of looking at an important and empowering question , are the how might we questions ? They're open-ended in their nature how might we achieve success in this particular domain or whatever it it ?

The question is framed in such a way to allow people to feel as though their answers are required because their thoughts and feelings matter . And that's the great thing about empowering questions , from my perspective , is they . They tend to create a sense of positivity around them . Does you have any thoughts on that ? Does that make sense ?

I was teaching this to the hr department at american express back in 2019 and I divided them up and I gave them an exercise to do so they could embed the learning . And the VP who hired me was over at this one side , and so I go over there . And the woman who was playing the role of the salesperson was so frustrated and I listened .

And I listened and I said would you be open for some help ? There's some secret sauce for you . We could talk about that phrase . That'll open a lot of doors . And she said yes . So I asked this young man . I said how would you feel if , blah , blah , blah , blah , blah ? He sat right up in his chair and he goes ? I would feel awesome .

I would love that . This woman almost throws down her papers because she hadn't been getting any response from him . And she said how did you do that ? I said because he's told you many times in his answers that he's kinesthetic . So I asked him how he would feel if he got that result .

She goes oh my God , you mean this is going to make me a better listener too ? Oh my God , you mean , this is going to make me a better listener too . And I said , yes , listening is absolutely critical and crucial , because these questions allow you to begin to see from another person's map of the world .

You begin to see things from where they're coming from . We all see things through our own lens and I tell people we don't see things as they are , we see things as we are . What do you mean by that , carol ?

Well , if you put five people on a street corner and there's a car crash right in front of them , someone like me who was injured in a bad car wreck , is going to be oh my God , that's a bad car wreck . Dude next to me , who's never had a car wreck , wasn't that big a deal . Completely different lens , same car wreck .

It's why people who give testimonies that you know when they take , they give you a different story . They saw the same thing they saw , but they saw it as they were Super , super powerful , but they saw it as they were Super , super powerful .

it . Uh , I've certainly . Again , if I come back to my time in the military and the transition , there were quite a few instances , quite a few three to five where I would have to have conversations with people and be like , no , no , I don't mean this in a , in a , in an angry tone . Just for me , email is a tool to convey required information .

It's not a conversation tool , it's a , it's an information conveyance apparatus and that's because that's the way the military tries to treat it . So now I'm using it as a conversation tool and then in the , in the , when we talk about things like covid and how we're all most of us are working through zoom , like we are now , that completely changes things .

It's even changed how I start the opening of my , my podcast , and I talk about housekeeping notes and I am always make a point to tell the listener or , sorry , the guest . Hey , just so you know , I'm going to be looking off to the right a whole bunch of the time because I'm I'm writing notes down .

I'm not ignoring you , because we don't know what we're thinking and in the end , finally , my long winded Simon point to this is we don't know what the other person is thinking often unless we ask the questions . Ironically , we're talking about empowering questions .

So in that type of a thing it sounds great to just ask a person , but quite often it can be challenging because we're expecting , more often than not , an aggressive or angry type of response .

So , in the spirit of emotional , or sorry , in the spirit of empowering questions , can we please have some empowering questions to help us , help new leaders ask those types of questions to get them through those potentially awkward moments ?

And that sparks the investigation in my mind , and then I go forward and enter my questions out there .

If you're getting frustrated in a conversation , take a couple of deep breaths , right ? Well , what one way could I ask this question in a different manner to get the answer that I'm truly looking for ? How can I frame this question so the other person feels seen and heard and not challenged , so that I get the answer I'm looking for ?

You're putting the so that in there , so that you're also looking for the result . Does that make sense ? Another thing I teach and work on is oftentimes people will go . You ask them a question , they go . I don't know . You ask them again oh , I don't know .

I had a prospective client sitting across me in my office a few years ago and I asked her a question , probably five or six times . Every time it was I don't know , I don't know . So here's what I did . And , folks , this takes practice . To do this you must change the tone of your voice , you've got to change the state of your body .

So I just kind of went like this and I go , I get it . You don't know . But hey , I'm . If you did know , what would you say ? That woman started giving me stuff so fast I couldn't write it down because now it's a game , the pressure's off . If you did know , it could be a game changer .

As a leader , leading people , a key thing you get to do is ask yourself leadership questions of yourself before you ever engage with the people who are your direct reports . Right , let's say you have a message you want to convey . Maybe it's a difficult message , I don't know .

Something came down from corporate or up above , and you know some people aren't going to like it , and these people are vocal . Oftentimes , when people get like that , the leader if they're not in their leadership , they'll react instead of respond . Right , those feelings will come up , they'll clench their fists or their heart starts racing .

They feel like they've got to be right , they got to attack . No , no , no . Well , what one thing could I say to this person right now ? You can ask yourself these questions in your head . There's nothing wrong with pausing in a conversation . Silence can be your friend .

What one thing could I say differently in this conversation so that this person feels heard and valued ? And you may not get an answer right away , but you might Sometimes . If you would plan out and ask these questions many times , several days in advance , you will walk away from a meeting and go oh my God , I can't believe . I said that .

I never thought that before , because you've opened the door to possibilities and I use a lot of other . You know leadership . This is not the only thing I use with my clients , obviously .

I'm wondering , though , before we move on to getting me having the ability to ask you some questions , would you mind offering some empowering questions , some actual examples , from both a personal and a professional perspective , that leaders could use going forward ?

Keep that in front of you , like , is the leader you want to become the person who's going to watch Netflix for two hours in the middle of the day ? But you might do it , but if you kept this question in front of you ooh , is that who ? It's a reminder , right . Who am I being behind closed doors when no one else is watching today ?

Another way to really check where your focus is in your business and how you're spending your time . You could ask I wanted to give you one with how , as a leader , how can I ensure that I'm being the most effective listener and making my people feel heard and valued today ? Great one , that's a great one for preparation for meetings , things like that .

What one thing . Oh , here's a good one . What one thought that I'm not thinking about my business , that if I were to think it would radically elevate my results today . Powerful question . You could actually take part of that question and turn it into a relationship question .

What one thought that I don't have about my spouse that if I were to adopt , it would allow me to have this relationship blossom today ? Right ? What one thing that I don't say to my spouse that if I were to say it , they would truly know how much I love them today Really opens the door to possibility .

In your languaging , in your communication , I've been giving you a lot with , with , with what . Who am I being In this relationship ? Right , because as a leader , we get to look at our ways of being . So often in America well , especially in America people say how much can I have and what do I got to do to get it .

But as a servant leader , we want to come from . Who do I get to be ? And I want you to really pay attention to my languaging . I'm not ever using the word need . I don't need to be a certain way . I don't need to be a certain way . I don't need to have a . I really work with my clients on this . It's a powerful exercise .

So it's who do I get to be ? My personal contract with myself , and I have it on a big whiteboard in red ink , because I get to remind myself , too , my top three ways of being . If I'm being the leader that I truly want to be .

I'm a powerful , courageous , loving leader , and I get to keep that in front of me because you know , there might , something might come alongside me that takes me way out of my comfort zone and I'm not feeling very courageous , right , but I don't want to make decisions based on emotion .

So I get to look at uh , that's I am , I'm courageous , that's who I am . I get to step back into my ways of being . Does that make sense ?

I tell my clients and I tell people I speak to all the time other people's opinions and judgments of you are none of your business , because it's not about you , it's about them , right ? Their insecurities , their challenges . Maybe they're in a comparison mode and they don't want to look at them , so they're going to put it off on you , but it's not .

It's a buildup right . People feel seen , heard and loved . Make me feel important In today's world . It's make me feel important If you're speaking to me , asking me questions in my dominant language . I feel important .

If you sat down in front of me and didn't pay attention to that I was highly auditory and you started giving me step by step by step by step by step , I'm going to be bored to tears . You have lost me , just lost me .

So you did yourself and you did myself a disservice , because what you have might be something I could really use , but you didn't speak to me in my language . I'm telling you , if I had known this back when I was in corporate America and sales , you and I would not be talking . I would have made a whole lot more money , easier and faster I'd be retired .

And that's actually one of the reasons trench leadership came about was because when I was going through the master's degree and I was learning about different leadership theories and styles outside of the ones the military taught me during my formalized military leadership training , I kept saying to myself , gee , I sure wish I had heard about this back when I was a

new leader . Or I sure wish I'd had been exposed to this , not necessarily talking about graduate level training or understanding or education of things , but at least knowing they exist . And that would have opened my eyes to other possibilities . We in this episode we talked a lot about empowering questions , how to make them , why they're important .

You offered some examples to vote for . People could use going forward Before we close this out . If people want to engage with you more , have a conversation , talk to you about your services , how might they do that ? Oh my goodness .

Cause you and I private message ? Um , yeah , love to love to chat .

people , and that's just what we're all here to do . Thank you so much for that and thank you , Carol , for your time . I really appreciate it . Thank you for having me Right on . Take care . Well , that's a wrap from the front . In this episode , we spoke with Carol , who talked to us about empowering questions .

We talked about how empowering questions open doors to limitless possibilities and how they allow us to come from a place of curiosity , empowering us to create building spaces , not destroy the spaces where we all need to work , live and just enjoy what we're doing . Thanks for tuning in and remember leadership without passion limits the depth of your vision .

Music provided by Ashamaluev Music .