Living With ADHD Does Not Make You Broken

Hi, I'm Shelley. And I'm Cam. And this is Translating HD. Last week, we talked about the I must not be doing this right perspective. And once we finished that recording, Cam and I got to talking and we realized that this is very closely linked to what we're going to talk about today, which is the belief that a lot of our clients have. many of whom don't realize.

that they have or that they're carrying this perspective around, that they are somehow broken. So this is that one down perspective that we touched on some last week as we talked about. why we often feel like we're not doing things right. But we want to dig in more on that perspective because it really has long reaching effects in a number of areas of our lives.

There's a statement that we came up with last week that it's going to be the theme for today. And it's this idea that we're the ones that have to adjust because we're the ones with the problem because we're not doing it right. We have to reposition or tolerate or back down. And so I think the statement that we came up with was, I'm the one that has to bend.

Because I'm the one that's broken. Yeah, that's exactly it. And this is something that, as I was thinking about this topic over the last week, it's sort of fascinating, Shelley. I was originally, I was like, no it's kind of a downer you know it's a little bit of a bummer but as i started to think about the different areas of focus here i think it's really relevant and actually it's something that is

It's kind of, it's at my core of why I do this work. As we started to discuss this and kind of kick the idea back and forth, I realized the relevance of it. It's because there's a lot of suffering out there in the world of ADHD. There's a lot of hurt. And that really emanates from this misunderstanding. Years and years of these.

messages and statements that might mean well, but actually can do a lot of damage. So I want to kind of break this into two parts. There's the bend part. think we need to bend because we're the broken one is to focus on the broken part first what that means what it can mean and if we address that then we can start to address the the not bending so much or negotiating and not negotiating from that one down position as i said earlier this is something that it is why i do what i do

We talk about kind of the big agenda. My big agenda is helping people get accurate information so they can be informed. It's why I do this podcast with you is get the word out to people about. what the adhd experience actually is and they can let go of what it isn't because so much of it is understanding what it actually is and how it manifests it's something that It is consistent in its inconsistency. You can have extremely sensitive moments. You can have moments when we're...

Absolutely unaware of our surroundings. That hyper-focus and hypo-focus. Moments of efficiency and moments of inefficiency. And we're always sort of scratching our head and people around us are scratching their heads of like, we don't get it. I don't understand. And it's so hard to put into language. And so this is this whole thing behind this whole thing, right?

translating, of being able to understand, own, and translate. So is it okay if we dig in a little bit around broken? Kind of my thoughts there. Absolutely. But before you do, I have something I want to add to what you just said. And that is the paradox of our ADHD experience. It sounds kind of nutty to talk about. understanding our experience we live in these brains why is it so much work to understand our experience well those of us with adhd are not good at reflecting on and learning from.

our experiences and that is really the core of the work that cam and i do with our clients every day and that is the core of why we approach this podcast the way that we do trying to get you, the listener, thinking about and reflecting on your own experience so you can come to some understanding. Listener, it's okay that you don't totally understand your experience. It's paradoxical. Again, it's your brain. Shouldn't you know what's going on?

That's part of the ADHD experience. That's part of what makes this stuff so tough is when those around us say, why can't you just? We know we can't just, but we sure as hell do not know why. Well said.

So let's just take an example of somebody who's, say, 45. They're 45 and they've had a diagnosis of, say, two years. So at 43, they're diagnosed because they go in and they have their kid. tested and they're sitting there and they're listening to what the physician is saying about what adhd is and what it isn't and it's like light bulbs are going off oh my god That's me. That's my experience. And all of these answers start to come. This sort of reckoning or this recognizing.

closing these connections and that's happening at 43 where we're finally getting some answers to what was so confusing

and contradictory over the years. And in a word, as you said, paradoxical. Over time, let's just go back to where we don't have those connections closed. To think about... we're getting all these kind of external and internal excuse me external and internal question marks right on the inside we're questioning on the outside it's reinforced teachers parents like why can't you sit down and stay in your seat my mother actually took a bathrobe and half jokingly but like tied me into my chair

to make me sit and stay and do my homework. I remember that. And it was not like abuse, okay, people? Not abusive. It was a joke. But it was kind of like, you know, why can't you just sit there? and do your work. And I'm the inattentive type. It was sort of like, it wasn't that I couldn't sit still. It was just get pulled off and start playing with something, drawn to something else.

But kind of trying to sit down and break into that work was so difficult. And I watch my peers just seem to have it so easy. They would just do. And I didn't. And so it was this big question mark that I couldn't close. I couldn't make sense of it. And I had testing and I had tutors and I had. You can't believe the amount of support that my parents were striving to help me. And this is 1977, 78, 1980.

This is before the whole ADHD thing really started to have that understanding, that appreciation. And so people are, you know, they're trying to help, but in that they can actually be doing some damage. Because exactly what you said, it's that all you got to do is just take that first step or here, here's a planner. Work the planner cam. But this is not about. working skills. This is about managing attention. This is about managing memory, effort, emotion.

So over those years, we have these messages around performance or their lack of. And that starts to take a toll. The sense of. I must not be doing this right. There's something wrong with me. And that takes hold. That becomes our sense of self, that somehow I'm not okay. And there it is until we get to that diagnosis point and we make that connection. But we still have the behaviors. We still have the practices, those coping mechanisms to make things happen.

Delay, delay, delay. Work at the 11th hour to get things done. Works pretty well when I'm 20 or 23. Doesn't really work really well when I'm 43. And I've got a family.

And I got to get up in the morning at seven o'clock. I had a client who sort of beautifully articulated the experience that you're talking about. So the not knowing, meaning you know that. You're different. You know that you struggle with things that other people seem not to struggle with, but you don't have that ADHD diagnosis. To knowing, but not... understanding, certainly not owning. And then to the place where she is now, she's a coaching client who's doing very well and has had.

incredible shifts in her perspective. So I'd like to walk you through what she said to me because it was just so good. So the not knowing, she called that the fantasy bubble. This was when she was in grad school. She thought everything was fine. She was riding the Ark hamster wheel. She was often late to things, but nobody was saying anything to her. Everything was fine. And she was getting by. She was passing.

Not in the most healthy of ways, but she was getting by. Everything was fine. The fantasy bubble. And one day somebody dressed her down for being late to a very important meeting with fellow students. Pop. There went the fantasy bubble, gone. Just gone. After that comes the diagnosis because now she's curious about, well, what the heck is going on with me? Why are these things a struggle? Post-diagnosis was the trying to pass as neurotypical phase. So this is very much that one down.

I have to conform. I have to bend. I have to be like everyone else perspective. So not only not understanding, really understanding what's going on and certainly not owning, but hiding and trying to. Make sure that nobody sees any sign that her brain is different than her peers and those around her. And then we have where we are now.

And this is the understand, own, translate. She has done that work. She is doing that work. I would say she's certainly at ownership, which is where we all strive to be comfortable in your own skin, knowing. What are your challenges? What you have to manage? Because owning is not about, oh, I have ADHD. Therefore, you have to deal with all of my screw ups and not say anything. It's not that. It is about.

being comfortable in your own skin, knowing what your strengths are, what your challenges are, being okay with the fact that you have to approach things differently.

And that might look odd to those around you, but you're okay with it because you know your brain and you know what works. So last night I was teaching a class and the question came up around disclosure. Someone posed to the group of like, who's disclosed? at work so this is a group that's sort of relatively newly diagnosed individuals who are trying to figure out this ADHD thing with respect to their relationship. And it's often happens where you're working hard with the kids.

The kids are kind of launched and then sort of there you are, the two of you, and you start to turn and look at each other and sort of like, oh, you know, the chaos is still here. The kids have launched and yet. It's still a bit chaotic. What's going on? And so here's this group kind of trying to understand their own ADHD, that they've found success in other ways.

through grit and determination and perseverance and falling down and getting up. That's the incredible thing that happens with ADHD is that resilience, that carrying that. kind of broken mindset but still pushing forward. So listeners, the opportunity here is to move forward and let go of that sense of one down. And so back to this question of disclosing, we're still unfortunately in a period of time where ADHD is not really and readily accepted. That if you disclose...

It's sort of like, oh, well, what do you want? You want special treatment? I've known people who have disclosed and they find a pink slip because something like the ADA will not protect you in a high stress. corporate environment, you can be fired for just about anything. And so what Shelly and I are talking about here is not standing up in your cubicle or your office and saying, I have ADD.

Accept me for who I am. No, it's you being able to understand it, recognizing it for what it is and what it isn't, and then articulating your experience and your needs to others. Finding those supportive circles. But most importantly, starting as you do this to make room for your own magnificence. That's hard. It's hard that when you've gone through your life. This sort of, I'm the one who has the problem. To come to this place of, you know, there's a little bit of magnificence in me.

There's magnificence in everyone. And that word just came to me right now. But listen, if I can do it, you can do it. I'm realizing the magnificence in me. And as a coach, I see the magnificence in my clients. They don't necessarily see that. So as coaches, we hold that for them. This is, in a sense, a coaching skill called championing. Championing the client because they're unable to do it themselves in that moment.

I'm always fascinated by that, Cam, because I have the privilege of working with some of the smartest, most creative, most interesting. most caring, incredible people. And every last one of those people comes to coaching, starting in this place, this one down. I don't measure up place. So a lot of this is really about perspective. It's about understanding your experience enough that you know where your challenges come from.

And you can stop letting those challenges define you. You can start seeing your strengths and seeing where those show up and how those show up. And that's always a cool moment. When you have a client who recognizes a strength that has always been there and that oftentimes as coach, we know it's there, but they have to find it for themselves.

in order for it to really resonate. So I'm going to add a machine to up on above the lunch counter on Mount Rainier. And I'm going to call that machine the Heaper. Uh-oh. I don't like the sound of this scam. I don't want the heaper. Make it go away. I'm not going to. It's there. We have to see it for what it is. The heaper is just like. the crap that we heap on ourselves. It's the heaping on the, this, it should be different, that self-criticism.

That is just so automatic, that negative self-talk that we just heap on the criticism, the hurt, the shame that is so toxic. to our own sense of self, you know, so move through that lunch counter and go find that machine. What is it heaping on you? What are you telling yourself? It's keeping you in that broken. or one down place? Is it right next door to the time travel machine that's sort of like, can I have a do-over please? If only, if only I go back and fix things. Anyone have that going on?

All we can do is really address what's happening now and move forward and proceed. And start with coming to this place of acceptance of it is what it is. And the fact that the heaper is there and that you have a tendency to be pretty hard on yourselves. But wait, Cam, I got to be hard on myself because if I'm not, I'll get ready. complacent anyone have that experience like I can't I can't let off I can't I can't let off the accelerator now that's not an accelerator that's

That's criticism. That's the whip. That's not the carrot. And to start to think about what are your strengths? What are your contributions? Back to what you said is. Likewise, I'm amazed at the creativity, the intelligence, the resilience, the fact that these people have been successful, that do show up. carrying this weight of all this brokenness with them and finding a way to set some of that down so that we can start to address the bend part of

When you get into a situation or dynamic, you're not always in that one down position. You come in as an equal, recognizing everyone has work to do.

That's another thing that happens in relationships where it's like, oh, we found the problem. It's ADHD. It is a factor. And it's a contributing factor. But it's not the only thing that's at play. They call it a dynamic for a reason. It takes two to tango and sort of starting to see, again, if you don't have ADHD and you're trying to support somebody, to see them as an equal.

To see them that, okay, they process differently and that their different way of seeing things is valid. To not get caught up in kind of societal norms of... what it should be. I'd like to give two examples, one funny one and one more serious one from my own marriage, if you'll allow me. So my husband is just the absolute most neurotypical, neurotypical that ever neurotypical. I love that.

A software engineer. He is a total detail guy to the point that he could tell me the full plot, including minor details of any movie we've ever seen ever in our lives. Insane. We're very different people. So let's start with the funny one. And this happened yesterday. Yesterday, I decided that I needed to pitch in more.

I'd been feeling pretty guilty about how much my husband is doing around the house and how little he is doing. So this is that sort of story you're telling yourself, right? Piling on guilt and shame. That's where I was. go into the kitchen after dinner and I look at my husband and I'm like, would you just stop? Just stop and get out of the kitchen and let me do this. Well, he had a total deer in the headlights look like, whoa, where in the heck did that come from?

Because he had no idea about all this stuff I was telling myself. He wasn't telling me that. I was telling me that. And that reaction came from that place. So I wanted to tell this for two reasons. Number one, to... highlight the fact that this stuff still happens to me. I'm aware of it. It happens less. I manage it better, but it's still there. And I still get into those places. But number two, when I was able to step back.

Because my husband understands my ADHD, because neither one of us look at me as the one down, the one that has to make up for, we were able to have a really lovely... conversation about it and that came from doing our other work and the thing is is we both have to account for the other person's processing style the other person's modality preferences and so here's the more serious one

I'm a verbal processor. Cam, I know as my former coach, that shocks you that I'm a verbal processor. You would have never known, right? My husband is not. And so when we would get into serious discussions, I would get very frustrated because I would be talking and he wouldn't be responding. Well. What we discovered in therapy is my high verbalization was overwhelming to him and is overwhelming to him. So he needs a minute to sort of take.

all of those words and digest them and make sense of them so that he can respond from an informed place. It takes him a minute to process all that language. So that's an example of my compromising, not from a place of weakness or ADHD, but from a place of, I see you and I understand your processing style and I can bend here.

I can make an adjustment for you. So it's not the bending that's the issue. It's the bending when we feel like we have to because we're the one that's screwed up. I really like what you just said there. Respond. from an informed place. And central to that is this appreciation of the other, your appreciation of your husband and how he processes, how he sees the world. And likewise.

His appreciation of how you do so too. This mutual appreciation place, which can be hard to get to in the moment. I know I've said this before, but I think it's worth saying again.

That another thing to think about, like, you know, in steps of kind of addressing this one down is that we get overly focused on the thing that's not happening. We look at our task list and it's like this reminder of everything we haven't done. And then we go on and get in our time travel machine and go back to all those things we didn't do. And then the...

the emotions that come with that. Oh, let's throw in emotional dysregulation, right? And we can get really feeling, feel that really intensely and strongly. And I believe I said this in a previous. episode around kind of separating out who you are from what you do, that we tend to kind of collapse that or just sort of see ourselves in our last experience.

our last performance, that we evaluate from that. How did I do? How did they do? And that's our evaluation. And often it's with mixed results. And so we get this, oh, there we go. reinforcing that i i am i'm not whole i'm not cool and so starting to kind of consider this sense of self we did talk about in an episode sense of self and going back to that

And kind of seeing yourself, who you are, what you stand for. To capture that and to actually put up a little bit of a partition there. A partition that's not like a castle wall. or a vault, but more like glass over that important document. When you go to the museum and you see the Bill of Rights, when you see...

the Declaration of Independence. They don't just let it be out there for anyone to touch. They put it behind glass so you can witness it, you can admire it, but you can't just pick it up. that sense of self to sort of partition off or compartmentalize a little bit who I am, that this performance that's happening right now is not directly tethered to my sense of self. There's some separation there.

In addition, is doing some of your own work around the term I like is fill your own well. We can be so externally wired to be seeking. recognition, seeking validation from others and wanting this sort of from others to do that, you've got to pick up the bucket yourself and fill that well yourself. And start to get into that practice. That you are somebody who is worthy of being treated as an equal. And it takes practice. Absolutely. Everything we do.

takes practice this is a process and it's a lifelong process of self-understanding you know cam you've been at this for what 20 something years and you still have your moments You still have your moments where those old tendencies, those old patterns, those old habits, those old ways in which you saw yourself show up.

So the work never ends, but the work gets easier. It gets so much easier. And I want to emphasize that. Well stated. Well said. And that sounds like a great place to wrap things up today. Absolutely. So if you like what we're doing here on the podcast, you can help us out by leaving a rating or review wherever you listen. If you have feedback to share, you can hit us up on the website, translatingadhd.com or on Twitter at Translating ADHD. And until next week, I'm Shelley.

And I'm Cam. And this was Translating ADHD. Thanks for listening.