Posh show.
Hi, everybody, it's me Daniel Tosh, host of a podcast called Toss Show. All right, Eddie, hit me with the emergency pod sirens. You're right, what is this emergency pod about? Roll the clip. Hey, guys, it's your boy d to the t driving myself to my vasectomy. Oh, this is exciting now. The reason I'm driving myself is because nobody my family cares and I'm not going under. So they said I could drive myself, so we'll see what happens. Get to watch the procedure. We'll see if they let
me film, how bad can it be? Huh?
That's right.
Spoiler alert. I'm still alive. I had a vasecto me. Oh man, now going in to this vessectomy. I was not nervous during the vasectomy. Was not nervous. Was humiliated, embarrassed, sure, but wasn't nervous.
Now.
The reason I did it, first of all, having kids past forty nine seems weird. But also, hey, and my wife, she birth controls tricky with her with her bleeding disorder. So I was like, no, you don't need to do this. I'll take care of it now. I talked to a lot of people and they were like, Oh, I can't believe you're not getting put under now. My doctor, he's
the number one vasectomy reversal doctor in the country. I had to go in a few weeks earlier and they just check you out, you pull your pants down, they squeeze your balls, you know, the normal stuff. And he tells me, I have to tell you before you sign this that this is not reversible. Now that being said, I'm the number one vasectomy reverse doctor in the country. So I was like, oh, okay, that's good to know,
but I don't really care about reversing it. He's like, you're gonna have the procedures in Beverly Hills, h You're gonna be in and out. Then you're gonna have to come back to my office about six weeks later. Uh, we're gonna have to test your seamen. And I had went to their bathroom when I first got to that doctor that appointment that day, and I noticed there's tons and tons of pornography and I was like, oh, I know it goes on in this bathroom, a little jerkshack.
Ugh. Anyway, I didn't I didn't touch anything, and I washed I'd be instead. It's just weird.
To see so many publications of pornography still in print. Anyway, he looks at me and he says, you know, are you sure you don't. I'm like, God, listen, I've got two kids. I've got tons and tons of semen that I store in all my socks. Now, yeah, I had some. I've got some stored if things would ever change. And then leading up to it, I've talked to some friends and people sort of tell all, you're not getting put under. I'm like, ah, he told me, fifty percent of people
get put under, fifty percent don't. So I was like, all right, I'll drive myself, I won't get put under, and I'll watch it. I get there for my appointment, and lo and behold, it's at a place that I know very well. It's at a fertility doctor's office where the surgery happened, which was not where his office was originally, and that i'd been there before, and that those places are. You know, there's a lot of emotion going on there. There's there's women in there getting you know, egg retrievals,
embryos implanted. You know, they're being told that they can't have kids. So there's just there's just a lot of stress there. There's a sign when you go to that facility like don't bring your kids, don't show off, you know, and people are getting cysts drained. It's it's just all bad. And then me and they're just im just in here to get my balls singed. It's just a circle of life,
is what I'm saying. This place does everything from we'll make sure that your seemen, you know, makes the baby, all the way to we'll make sure you never just again, that's not what they do.
But you understand. Okay, I get there.
I get They give me the questionnaire to fill out and I always get furious and I don't read it.
I just check no.
It's just a thousand boxes because you feel like if you hit yes on any of them that they might not do your surgery and you have to come back. So I just hit and I checked no on everything. But some of them were like really silly, like have you ever had back pain? I'm like nope, never, of course I have.
You know.
Finally they call me, they call my name. I go back there and she's like, here, put this with RoboN, leave the backside open. You can just keep your socks on. I'm like okay, and I go in there. I never know how to tie the thing because it's behind me. I can't do a good job. But I didn't have to tie this one because it only had one string
on one side. The other side had ripped off, probably from someone's frustration, so I just had to pinch it closed while I walked out of the bathroom through the common area to back to my room, and then I sat down. Now, the nurse that I had was was young, kind of cute. Immediately felt bad for her. I, oh, man,
you're gonna you're gonna see a lot today. What I picked up on later is she was relatively new, or at least new to doing this procedure, because some of the couple of the older nurses were, uh, we're giving her a lot of oh, this is what you should do here, this is what She might have just been an intern. Maybe when I wasn't looking at stuff, I signed that, yeah, sure have some intern, uh sit in on this one.
So anyway, I keep my phone with me, of course, and and uh.
And once I get into the into the operating room, they lay me out on a table and they open these arm things for my arms, and then they immediately pull up my thing and expose me from belly button to mid thigh. So I'm laying on my back, arms spread, just dicking balls in the you know, an operating room. So well that and at least three to five people at any any moment are inside this room, and I'm
like this, balls and penis just up. You're probably gonna see my penis in this emergency pod from time to time. I'm gonna show you my testicles. Okay, but we need to be mature here. This is medical. I want other people to learn from this, to know what to expect going into it. I don't need people taking my penis or my testicles and then putting them into some AI generator and doing funny things with them. You know, Oh my my penis just endorsed Trump.
I don't want it. I had trimmed.
I didn't shave going into this surgery, so I wasn't I didn't look like a monster. But you know, she's like, oh, did you shave? There was an older nurse and she's like, did you shave? I said no, I didn't shave. I'm sorry, and she's like, no, it's fine, and then she grabs this like a little tiny hand raiser that doesn't have like a stick on it, like she just hold her to the finger and she just starts doing my ball
so fast. And then the girl, the young girl, she comes over with some tape, like just a big piece of it's not duct tape, but it's it's wide, it's about the same with and she just starts sticking it to my balls like sorry, and like is collecting the hair. It's like a lint roller. There's quickly shaving my balls. And then just she's just patting him. Then they begin cleaning,
and I say they there's three. There's three nurses, two older nurses, and then this one young girl and they're just my floppy sad Penis who's you know, scared and rightfully so doesn't know what's going on.
It's literally like the dream scenario.
Remember if you've ever gotten a massage, and not I'm not talking about like a place that the owner of the Patriots goes, but a real place like a nice spa, and they're rubbing and they get really close to your private and you're like, oh, my goodness, is so close, but they don't. They don't actually touch anything. They tuck things the right way. This is the exact opposite. This is they exposed your penis and only touch your penis,
all of them at once. They're just and they're just like it's just moving around, you know, they're putting eyed eye everywhere, and it's just it's just embarre. It's just whipping around. This is ten fifteen minutes of more and she's spraying it with some cleanser, which it felt like if you had a can of lighter fluid on a charcoal grill that you was like going shit because like it was cold. I was like, well, oh I jumped a little bit at that, and she's like, oh, I'm sorry.
And then casually my doctor walks in and goes, oh, guys, what are you doing. You never want to hear that. Guys, what do you do? Like, oh, they're definitely doing something wrong. He goes, oh, just tape is his penis down because he saw it doing the helicopter thing. So they took a piece of tape just across my waist and taped it to my stomach. You know, like if you ever when you were a kid or on a plane and you got a boner, you hide it under your waistband.
You know, keep it flush against you. I don't know.
He made to a long nap on a plane. You woke up with a heart on. It's happened anyway. Now it's time. Now it's time for the big show. He comes in and he's just gonna he's got his own concoction of whatever is gonna numb me, and he's like, this is gonna hurt just for a second, about twenty seconds, he's gonna puncture and you know, fill me.
And he's and he's gonna pinch hard.
He basically, you know, finds the Vaz deference with his finger and that's where he's going to go through. And so he pinches. He injects, I'm feeling it. I'm like oh, and he's like you're doing fine. I'm like okay, but like that hurts.
It hurts.
I'm like, okay, now we just wait a few minutes. There's small talk. He's telling me all kinds of things about other celebrities, and you know, he's like, I can't tell you who this athlete is, but just celebrity gossip.
It was fun. By the way, Well I'm having the surgery. Guess what music they're playing?
Literally eighties rock ballads like everything is about like losing love, and I'm like, is this a joke? And it had to have been, but he's like, oh, it's just what's on anyway. Next thing, you know, my balls are not can you feel this? And I'm like no, and he's like are you sure? And I'm like, whoa now, none of that. So then he goes in there with his thing. It's just like it's like a puncture hole, clips it and you know it cauterizes it and people say, oh
you can like it smells like bacon or something. I didn't smell anything. I've got a great sense of smell, and smells sometimes freaked me out. I didn't smell anything. And then I was like, oh, that wasn't so bad. And he's like, okay, now we got to do the other side. And I was like, oh, I didn't think
about that. You know, you got two balls. It's basically you're going in for two surgeries, one for each boy, and so then the exact same thing, pinch, painful, inject a hole, sticks it in, clips, cauter rises, and that's it. I pulled my phone out At one point He's like, put your phone away, man, I'm like all right, sorry.
Then I pulled it out again.
I took a phone over my penis because I'm like that if I'm gonna have one dick pic in my phone, it should be of this again.
So many people just in there seeing this. He's done. I thank him.
I guess I was like, I'll see in a few weeks, and I'm like, okay, hey, I have to go home. I have to heal, and then I have to masturbate for twenty ejaculations in twenty four hours. No, not twenty four hours. I think he said six to eight weeks.
I'm like, easy.
Yeah, I didn't think that impressed him, but whatever. So he finishes. Then the nurses begin cleaning me up, and they're like, can you like lift up. There's a lot of stuff underneath now, like wiping my butt. Like I'm just like a and I'm fully awake and like, you know, everything is normal, so I can help. But I'm like, just keep doing it.
You know.
There's rubbing me clean, all of them at once, like just it's almost like it's like a team at a car wash where they're just as fast as they can. Let's let's get this dick out and get the next one in here, and yeah. Then they're like, okay, let's you know, we'll go over. And by the way, when she was like, go over your post of the young girl again, I could barely look her in the eyes at this point. I'm like, you should see me erect And I didn't say any of that, but no, She's like,
you can read. That's what she said to me.
You can read. It's just this paper base.
I need you to ice your balls for twenty four to forty eight hours every twenty minutes. I'm like, well, what about when I sleep? As she's like, oh, just go to bed. I'm like, okay, good. And they give you a jockstrap to wear, and then they give you like thirty medical gloves that they just want you to fill with ice and tie it ont And I'm like, why don't you guys have your own ice pack mechanism? Why am I using a glove? Is like a little funny hand job joke that you got you have for
people to give vasectomies. But you put that down there, you wrap it in gauze, and you put it there twenty minutes on, twenty minutes off for the first twenty four to forty eight hours. I don't know if I was good about it. I didn't have any swelling. They gave me some tile and all three you know, the coating one. I took that one time because I wanted to get ahead of the pain when the numbing wore off.
And I never felt pain, so I never took it again.
And then I took the You have your antibiotics that you take, and you can't go into a pool of jacuzzi for a week or work out for a week. I guess I'm on day four right now, and I'm not allowed to ejaculate for five to seven days. And I'm told that feels a little different on your first ejaculation. But I will see. I'm gonna do it on air.
But all in all, you know a good thing. Now I have to go back after fifteen ejaculations, fifteen to twenty, and I have to get two zero sperm count, you know, all clears before they say you're good to go to bang roadhors. I have to go back to his original office, go into the bathroom with all the pornography. You know, he's got to collect a sample. I don't think I can bring a sample in. I'll check pete. See if I can bring a sample in. Yeah, you can. It just can only be like an hour old. Oh man,
that's gonna be tough. So I can bring my own sample in What kind of container am I gonna put it in? They sent us a link to some on Amazon that we can use.
Okay.
I thought I was gonna have to use some of my tupperware, because I know Carly get mad because we have tupperware that we give away to people.
You know.
I gave some way to my cookie dealer, and then I've got the good stuff at home that we use glass. The next day, my wife scheduled a back to school pool party, so a bunch of my son's friends were over, and she's like, well, you can't swim, so you can be lifeguard. Just keep an eye on everybody. I'm like, well, if somebody's drowned, I can't jump in, and she's like, yeah, that's a good point. But then all the dads were asking me like, oh, I wouldn't do it. I wouldn't.
There's no way. I always think that's weird. Why but yeah, the amount of people are like, you lose some of your libido when you do this. I'm like, how much libido do you need? How much libido do you guys want tons? You want tons? No, how much more productive would I be my entire career if I had thirty percent less libido. That's a high number. I think you only lose like, I don't know five. I don't even know what you lose. I don't even know if you
lose any and some men. I know there's some side effects. So one of the side effects is dementia, which I think is a great side effect. Love to get dementia right now. That's not my problem. That's my wife's problem. I'm not gonna remember shit anyway. I've got a reversal scheduled for next week. I wonder what the fastest someone's done a reversal. I wonder if I could come in the next day and get a reversal, that would be That'd be interesting.
Doc, I made a huge mistake. It just seems like such an easy thing.
For a guy to take care of, versus counting on women to take a pill every single day at the same time.
That's just nonsense. I know how you're responsible. My wife is. Meanwhile, I've been sending anybody who asked, oh I was of a second. I just send him a.
Photo of my balls during the surgery, all right. That does it for me and my sad boy balls. Eddie hit with the siren. It's just sad sounding. My poor little balls, my poor little balls.
Man. They went through a lot