My Tour Life

a camera on them. I don't fucking want to buy another camera. That's reason one. I got to buy another camera just to put it on Eddie. Second reason, I think there's only one reason. It's also more to edit. Yep, it's more to edit, and I don't want to do that. Were trying, We're trying to streamline this process until this show becomes a huge juggernaut and we can employ thousands of people, because right now it's just it's just the

three people and all they do is go. I don't think you realize how much it actually takes to do this each week. I mean, we're basically putting out an Academy Award winning film every single Tuesday. I'm like, oh, man, jeez, so there's no camera in Eddie's future. Here's gonna put that dumb still of him up? Then I'm sure he made himself.

I guess I've just known you too long. I don't think anything of your voice, but your farts they sound. I mean, I don't know how to describe it. I think we're just gonna have to let one rip.

before we start, just to make sure everybody's settled. Don't like Eddie going out to an audience that's just fine in their seats. We want them to be settled. Then Ed goes out there hits them with some best of.

months long. This one was just a week in different city every night, a couple shows a night. I was. My wife was like, I don't want to go, and so she kept my daughter and I kept my son. It was boys versus girls. And I gave her the dogs because she doesn't feel safe at home without my dog constantly barking. We left day of the first show, headed to Louisville, Kentucky. We landed and our bus was waiting for us. Now we had a tour bus. We were using Heart, the music group Heart. You guys familiar

with Heart? Yeah, what's one of their songs?

watch our sports. Then there's the bunk area. You can set that up to be three bunks, which only gives you about this much space, so you're really lying in a casket in that scenario. Or you can make it just two on each side and that's a little better. That's for Pete. Eddie and my son likes to just play in one. And then my son and night we slept in the back room and that has a it's like a queen bed, but a corner of it's cut off. I put him next to the wall, and we just

hope for the best. When you're on a bus, you have to sleep feet first because whenever impending death is near, you don't want to just snap your neck right away. You want to give yourself a fighting chance when you hit something. That's the rule. Anyway, Louisville, we didn't even get a hotel. We just flew there, took the bus to the venue. My son and I backstage, semi gross. It's a pretty old theater, the Palace Theater. See, it's

about twenty six hundred. We're downstairs in my green room, you know, I'm getting him ready for bed before the show, getting in pajamas. We're taking a quick shower, and I'm just like, oh, if somebody busted into this green room and saw me backstage showering with a five year old, that's exactly what I thought was going on back here, Eddie, what age did you stop showering with your kids?

with me. And I just also, I don't want my parenting to be judged too much here, but I kept my son on West Coast time the whole time because those normal bedtimes eight o'clock was at a nine ten eleven, that's eleven o'clock Eastern, so he could basically stay up for the shows and then sleep till nine in the morning every day. And Eddie over there. Eddie steps off stage and his suit and my son is just waiting there just to either hit him or take a sword

and try to fight him. And they go hang out on the bus, wait for dinner to come, and as soon as I get off stage, we eat dinner, and then we go to bed. That's pretty much the routine. My show are usually around an hour in five minutes to an hour and thirty minutes. That's that's about the range. Uh, you know usually, and usually if I'm doing really poorly, that'll be an hour and a half because I keep thinking, oh, no, eventually they'll like me if I just stay up here

long enough. But the second I say good night, there's no oh, I'm gonna come back out and give you five more. I'm just I walk off stage. I bline out the back door, onto the bus, onto the next city. That's it nothing. I'm not hanging out. I'm not talking. I'm not meeting fans. Sometimes somebody will scream they've been waiting out and they'll be like, hey, can I get a quick photo? And I'll do it. I'll do I'll do those people that have waited for a photo. But

there's no like meet and greet. Meet and greets now are just cash grabs, you know that. People like like, oh, you pay extra for a seat to talk to the performer afterwards. I won't do that. I don't like money or people enough. Louisville surprisingly went well. Show was good, show was fun. Did you like that show?

fifteen years ago at this larger venue. I didn't get to do the main pretty theater, the Murat theater that seats twenty five hundred, and we did two shows there that night. But the first time I played it, I played like a ballroom that had a you know, big round taps. Eight people sit at each table. It was weird. But I went there the night before and I watched Henry Rollins perform and I was just like, what am I doing? Man? And then I was watching him, I

was like, what is he doing? I don't know. It's not comedy really, right, isn't it.

find a toy store. We buy a couple of toys and that's what he plays with, and he's excited about that. We found this mall downtown. It was like three levels. Every single store is closed, but there was a toy store that was open at the top and it was, you know, had enough stuff in it. I just let him look. I wasn't even going to push him and like hey, do you pick something out? Just let him go killed an hour and a half. It was great

just picking. He was just picking up every single toy for an hour and a half in that toy store and I was like, I don't care, take as long as you want. He's like, do I need to make a decision. I'm like nope. I ended up buying a few games myself bottom racco Junior. We started playing that on the bus. But anyway, this is that mall was disgusting. It really was disgusting mall, but it killed our our time. He was perfect. The strawberry Festival was going on in Indianapolis.

I don't know if you're familiar with strawberries, but they're not local to Indye in any way, shape or form. But that's what the strawberry Festival was. Everyone in the city or the state was lined up to get strawberry shortcake. It wasn't even free, I thought. I thought, oh, this is why this line is so crazy. No, no, it's like ten bucks and and you get a scoop of vanilla whipped cream, a biscuit and strawberries. And everyone was

walking around with them. It looked delicious. My bus driver got one, he said, he thought about getting me one, didn't, at least he told me about it. Then we headed off to Michigan to a fire keeper's casino, you know, and they never when you arrive at these casinos, you always ushered through the back the belly of the beast. And that's as awful as you can imagine. As you know, bright neon lights and it's in the middle of the night.

I'm trying to keep my kid asleep, and that's awful, you know, as we go through the kitchen and then a million different hallways to eventually get to our room, and then the key didn't work. The casino was nice, they took care of us. I had the presidential suite,

had a piano in my room. That's always fun. Although this time Pete messed up because he normally these security guards ushering us through the belly of the beast all the way up a private elevator, and by private elevator, I mean the gross, disgusting elevator that the staff uses. That's not really called a private elevator, that's just a service elevator. But this time they walked us right to the main elevators and we got in and then they're like, well,

you guys, can you guys know how elevators work. We'll see you later, and the doors just closed and they weren't in there. Well, so we didn't get to tip them, so they probably were like, well, fuck these guys if they're not going to tip us, like you're supposed to tip everybody. Anyway, Pete thought they were walking us to the room. We meant to tip you fire keepers, casino security. Now,

I'm gonna be honest with you. Anytime you're performing on these casino gigs and not talking about Vegas, just these random reservation casinos, the shows don't always go great because a lot of tickets get given to people that don't really know what your show is about. So my show, if you have no idea going in and then I'm ranting about abortion for fifteen minutes, that's that's like, whoa what do we walk into. Here's another thing about the

reservation casinos that you need when you're performing there. Sometimes in the front row you might have an unruly person, and if you're sitting in the front row, that really affects the show. If you're being you know, a little unruly or allowed. Even if it's if you think it's being positive, it affects the show in a negative way. Well. At a lot of the Indian reservation casinos shows, the

front row is saved for a lot of elders. And what that means is if that person is being unruly and I want them out of the show, They're not going anywhere. No one gets to kick them out. That's the that's their that's their seat land. I don't know, I don't you get you get what I'm saying. Yeah, so I'm I'm aware of that at all times, so I'm always trying to like, you know, it's it's it's like riding a wild horse. I probably shouldn't use that

analogy either, but you get what I'm saying. It's like, oh, this could go off the off the reservation real quickly. That's probably the wrong word too. You get what I'm trying to say. This could go off the rails real quickly. So you you just you you take the money and run, as is basically what I'm saying. Now, you say, well, why do you take those gigs if you don't want to? They pay so well and you don't have to sell the tickets. They don't care. It's just a flat fee.

So that that always becomes very appealing. Let me tell you something about the fire keepers. Uh, because you know my son, he asked he didn't want any more toys. He when I say he gets toys, I'm telling you we get like we got three dumb little things on the whole tour. But we were like, he was like, I want something else. To a snuggle at night, like like a lovey, a stuffed animal. I said, okay, we'll go to the gift shop here. So then we go down to the casino floor and I say, where's the

gift shop? And then I gets over there. But you're not allowed to go there with a child. I'm like what, and they oh, you have to walk through the casino floor and kids aren't allowed to the casino floor. I'm like, so you tell me I can't bring my kid, my five year old, into the gift shop. And he's like, yeah, that's what I'm telling you. I'm like, that's that seems weird. That seems like a design problem. I understand that my five year old isn't allowed to play Roulette, but he

should be able to go into a gift shop. And they're like, well, let's you can't walk on casino floors. I'm like, when rules are stupid, I do get angry. And I didn't ask to break them. I just I just told my son I just sit here and if anybody ask where your parents are, just say they're trying to make a better life for me. No, I didn't do it. So I found Pete. He was eating breakfast. I said, here, watch my kid. I'm gonna run to this gift shop and I bought my kid a backpack

that was like a monkey. It was like a monkey backpack, and then we cut the straps off and then he just had a monkey that had a zipper on him that you could put things in. Yeah. Whatever, kid's not smart enough to figure out that that it wasn't really toys. So my son and I were sitting in the jacuzzi together and he said, you know, I should have told and he's talking about the security officer. I should have

told him that I'm sixty six. I'm like, oh, that would have worked if you'd have told him you were sixty six. So he was playing a lot. We then went for a bike ride just around the parking lot of the casino, and almost immediately everywhere we went, we had a security guard to come up to us and tell us we were not allowed to rider here. And we're like, okay, well yeah, and this is when I do it. I'm not gonna say that I don't do it. I'm not I'm not proud I go. I don't say

do you know who I am? I do say, hey, I'm Daniel tosh, I'm performing here this evening, uh, and just wanted to get my son a little exercise. Can you get the fuck away from you, cheap piece of shit?

let's watch this. He's like, I don't think this is appropriate. I'm like, mom's not here. Shut up. Anyway, next night we were off to Detroit and I don't stay in Detroit and for obvious reasons, downtown can be a little depressing. We were in Birmingham, outside of Detroit, just beautiful, cute little town. They were doing yoga in the park. Guy immediately came up to me and was like, hey, Daniel, you and your son, come do We're gonna do kids yoga in a little bit. And I'm like, this is wonderful.

Couldn't find a toy store, found a paper source. Those places aren't toy stores. But they've got a few lovies in there, so that gets my kid excited. And then I say, hey, we're not going to buy anything here, and he throws a tantrum. Whatever, so we weren't bike riding. This is good. And then that show that night the Fox Theater. You know, it was a five thousand cedar and it's just breath taking beautiful, too big for me.

It makes me a little uncomfortable. I think there's two people in the front row that were appalled by my set. That put me in a weird headspace. But the sh was fun, The theater is beautiful. People in Detroit are great. I mean they're great. But we were there the right week when it's not miserable hot, and it's not you know, whatever, the six months of misery that they lived through in the winter. Guess what we had for dinner in Detroit, John, you want to take a guess what we had for dinner?

and we all again the next day. No one got sick, no one pooped in the bus, No one pooped on the bus, including my five year old son. We always made it to a hotel or backstage at the theater. After Detroit headed over to Columbus, we stayed on the campus that one hotel at Ohio State. So that's kind of weird, but it was really close to the venue. But what's weird is then the next morning, which was Father's Day, my son and I are eating in their restaurant,

which is just a cafeteria. It was completely empty. They had no music on and just like some kid that doesn't have a dad that decided to work that shift and He's like, what do you guys want. I'm like, I don't French toast. I'm like I was just that was the only meal. I pulled my phone out. I was like here, I told my kid, just watched something. This will all be over soon. Then we went on a long bike ride. We rode around campus. It was beautiful.

Just we went everyone to like a reflecting pond drove. We dotted the eye of our cocks. We dotted, We dotted the eye. What did we do?

that are like, it's five o'clock. Man, remember my rider that you have to have like a veggie tray. I've got to update this because it's it's getting people are just buying shitty veggie trays that just looks sad. So I have to get, like, get better vegetables. There's got to be a better way to word how I want my vegetables to look. You know, I want colorful polliflower, the purple one, you know I want. I want fancy carrots, not just you know, the little nubs you throw in

your kid's lunch box. And he fucking wings at some other kid. Uh But anyway, and then I asked for the two candles Columbus. Screw this up, two big fat Yankee candles. Oh, is that where they're from? Is the Yankee candles from Columbus is disgusting? Didn't light those, didn't use them? Getting better candles, guys. One time I broke down and had fast food on the tour for a lunch, and it was the fastest of fast food And he guesses, what do you think, John, what do you think? It

was the fastest of fast foods? So fast? Oh? I bet you had No, that's not the fastest of fast food so fast. Smells are free. This is definitely gonna be a new sponsor to the show when they find out that I'm plugging him. I had the turkey tom. Oh, what place do we eat at?

when I was performing at Ohio State. I was with Greg Hawn, comedian, and he met us at this place for lunch and we were already eating and he comes in and again I don't know why things infuriate me, but this does. He's one of these people that will ask the server whether they like and I'm like, who gives a fuck what this person that has this job likes at this restaurant? You know nothing about them. Their

opinion should is meaningless. Anyway, we're all eating. Greg Hahn comes in late, sits down and he's big energy, and the server comes up. Oh, what would you like, And he's like, what do you like here? She's like, well, I like the nachos. Okay, fair enough. He goes, O, great, that sounds good, I'll have two of those. He ordered two nachos. Nachos, just like you would think at a restaurant where there is shareable for six people, he orders two massive plates of Note we're all like, that wasn't

a taco. It wasn't even a burrito a burrito. Ordering two burritos at a Mexican restaurant would be ridiculous. Ordering two nachos. I just stared at him. Of course, he didn't remotely finish eating the second one. I don't e think he started on it. But I just sat there and I watched him just the whole time, mouth agape, like, hmm, you had to order two nachos, right? Oh no, a successful tour. My son, the champ of the tour, totally

handled it. On On the the last night, he went to the bathroom in the venue in Columbus and then fell asleep on the bus. And then the bus went to the airport and I carried him into his plane seat, strapped him in, still asleep all the way home. Landed unstrapped him, put him in my car, drove him home, put him into bed, still asleep. Woke up seven thirty in the morning and was like, oh what happened? Ye just fifteen things he missed, just slept through the whole thing. Yeah,

good for you kid, All right, best venue? What was your favorite show?

like tired of the grind. He wasn't letting anybody else talk. He was dominating. But he was like, I could go down to Mexico and play, but I think I might take this coaching job in Oregon. But I just don't know what God wants me to do, you know. And then I felt selfish because I wasn't praying enough, and I was like, why would God tell me the answer unless I prayed every day. I can't just pray once a week and expect to have good things come. And I was just like, well, I don't think that's how

it works. But I couldn't stop listening, and I was like, fine, let's go ruin my morning. I'm now in a Bible study. Carl couldn't have cared less as well. He shouldn't care, knowing that all dogs go to heaven as it's written, you think you're going to heaven? Not unless you stop with that Copraphasia die at a year disgusting. Uh the Goat is available all episodes on Prime Watch It. Check out boysworpink dot com. If you have a toddler in

your life, come see me. Do stand up if I'm near you or if I'm not, just fly to see me. Come to Hawaii. Let's go Thanksgiving. Let's have fun. My son, another bedtime story. Let's do it again next week. Guys, enjoy wait see you next week.